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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Husband left and I feel hopelss

Topic: Husband left and I feel hopelss

  1. Jayne106
    Jayne106 avatar
    55 posts
    9 November 2019

    My husband of over 16 years decided to break the news to me that he is no longer in love with me and needs time and space to find himself. He works a hugely demanding job and has been unhappy in his employment for a long time although he claims this has nothing to do with his unhappiness. He has now moved out of our home. I am madly and deeply in love with my husband. I know he has expressed he has had suicidal thoughts and has also tried to take his life recently. I have asked him to get help and I believe he has seen a GP but I have no idea if he is booked to speak to any one further and every second of the day I think about him. I really want to be there to support him. Our children are missing him dearly.They see my pain daily as I feel utter despair.I know people would tell me I have to look after myself and children and the children are my first priority although I am not able to function for myself.I just want to sleep as at least when I am sleeping the pain stops. I have always been a happy bubbly person and involved in many things and now I am finding I am withdrawing. I don't eat at all maybe a mouthful of food at each meal as I feel sick. I don't sleep more than 2 or 3 hours per night and I need sleeping tablets to get that. I begged for him to come to counselling with me to work on the marriage and he went to 2 sessions and didn't say alot except that he didn't love me. he was done and felt I didn't listen. I begged to keep going and to let me be his support through this. I am gutted and I feel I am losing it. My body is numb. I cry all the time. I am constantly thinking of him and how he is. I have booked to see a GP although not certain I will go as worried he will think I am weak. Do I continue to hold hope my gorgeous husband just needs time away and help? Am i just living in a fantasy. Can depression turn around and people see that there spouse was not the problem and they can make things work. Has anyone experienced this and had there spouse return or am I a fool and he really doesn't love me. One of my children told me today.. mum I believe dad does love you and I hope he soon will see it. Our friends are shocked and taken back at his lack of ability to try and this is why I am concerned for his mental health. My husband is the most amazing man and I see the hurt in his eyes now. I look at him and he looks broken ... I am a broken unit but should I be looking fine so he doesn't feel pity on me. I don't want him to come home from pity

  2. Summer Rose
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    10 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106

    Hi Jayne

    Welcome to bb and thank you for sharing your story.

    I am so sorry that your husband is experiencing mental health issues and that he has left the family home. I can understand how hurt, confused and helpless you must feel.

    Please know that you are not alone. I have been a member of this community for years and have sadly seen many similiar posts. When someone in the family experiences a mental health issue there is a ripple affect and this can be significant.

    I believe the single most important thing you must do right now is look after yourself.

    Try to imagine a window frame and within that window frame is room for a range of emotions. And every day our emotions go up and down within the frame in response to life and we can cope. But when something happens to push us "out of our window" we need help. Because when we're out of our window we can't cope.

    Going to see your GP is not a sign of weakness, it is brave and smart because I believe you are going to need some help to get back in your "window".

    Just imagine the consequences for your children and you should your health continue to decline. And you will be a better position to deal with the marriage situation when you are feeling better. Please make yourself a priority.

    It sounds like your husband is quite unwell and his illness will most definitely be affecting his outlook on life. Like you, I truly hope that he is receiving appropriate professional help. He will need time to heal and it's impossible to guess how long.

    If I were in your shoes, I would give him time and space whilst always keeping the lines of communication open. I wouldn't push him but I would make sure he knows that you will be there when he's ready.

    Does any of this make sense to you?

    Kind thoughts to you

  3. Jayne106
    Jayne106 avatar
    55 posts
    10 November 2019 in reply to Summer Rose

    Thankyou Summer Rose

    I am so lost and my heart hurts so badly. I am not fully aware if he is getting further help although I really hope so his sake and also our children and myself as I don't want anything to happen to him.

    I am willing to wait for him as long as it takes as the man I am currently looking at is not my husband.

    10 months ago I had weight loss surgery and habe lost over 50kg but since i am not eating my weight is rapidly still declining and i am scared i am starting to get to thin. I am not sure if he looks at me as someone different and this has made him worse. I am so unhappy I had this surgery as i have lost the weight and now my husband. It feels so terrible.

    Our sex life had not been great although things were improving. He told counsellor and close friends a main reason was a lack of intimacy and feeling rejected and then turned that around to say I said he must of felt this way!! I spoke with counsellor on a single session he approved of and she told me he takes no responsibility for the break up and he had said it was due to lack of intimacy.

    It feels like everything I say is turned around and he is starting to make up stories of things i have said.

    He looks so broken and I just want to lay with him... hear his heart beat and cuddle til the sunrises. I would love for him to be here with our children who do not understand why dad is doing this.

    He doesn't want them to know he is seeing a Dr and he was honest and told them it was his decision to leave the marriage. The children are well aware how much I love there father and the eldest has been a huge support and bee there to pick me up when crying.

    I lay on his pillow trying to smell his aftershave but the scent has gone and I am so lost.

    I understand he is suffering but this has changed how i see life. All i see is darkness and a hole I cant get out of.

    He has leased a placed with a 12 month lease and i am devstated as I thought he would take this slowly and think about things more although the more i read the more i learn that people suffering the way he is obviously do irrational things and unfortunately hurt alot of people.

    Will time... help and medication maybe ever help him realise what he has given up. I really hope so and I am not religious but I pray everynight for him to be safe and for him to come back so i can love him.

    I cant think much about myself it seems as I am so focused on him and don't know how to cope

  4. Summer Rose
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    11 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106

    Hi Jayne

    I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can feel your pain through your words and it's heartbreaking.

    You have said that you can't think about yourself, as you are so worried about him and that you don't know how to cope. I get that.

    My daughter fell seriously ill with a mental health condition 8 years ago. To say I was worried, feeling helpless and scared is an understatement. I too could not cope.

    But I had too because my daughter, son and husband needed me. If I went down the whole ship went down.

    I started with my GP and the a mental health practitioner to help me. This support literally kept me going through my darkest days. It's ok to ask for help.

    You need to be able to function. You need good sleep and you need to eat. Please pop in to see your GP. You matter and the kids really need you now. Think of it as putting yourself in the best possible position to support your husband if that helps.

    One of the key things I learned whilst caring for my daughter was that this was not a problem I could fix. She had to do the work. It was her choice how much health information would be shared with me. It was her call to decide on her treatment.

    What I am saying is that you can only help as much as your husband permits. But you can help yourself to find a way back into the light.

    Life can get better. You just hang in there.

    Kind thoughts to you

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Jayne106
    Jayne106 avatar
    55 posts
    12 November 2019 in reply to Summer Rose

    Thankyou once, again for your kind words. you are inspiring!

    I have been seeing my counsellor and I have made an appt for Friday to see my GP. The counsellor is also going to run a session for my children and I as well this week and the boys have accepted to go. I think it will be good for us all.

    It is amazing the stories they tell you when you think they dont really think much of the situation. I am stunned with things they have said and it has made me realise I am going to have to hold it together for them as they are looking at me to be strong. I dont have a choice to have a melt down right now and even though I want to just scream and yell I haven't and I am trying to remain positive and I make sure I speak to my husband with respect and love as this hasnt changed. as much as I know he tells me he is done and doesn't love me I feel that I need to hold a little bit of hope that he will get better and see that we are great together and worth another chance.

    He left without any willingness to try at our marriage and this is what has made me so upset. This isnt him... he has always been a great husband and father but I know the stress of his work and the feeling he has now with his emptiness .. has made him feel like he needs to flee and run out on us.

    The kids don't understand how he wouldn't try even for them and I suppose even i myself don't understand this not sure we ever will.

    I could never walk out on the kids and I would try til the end of the earth to be with them everyday.

    The kids are not really interested in spending time with him and I am unsure if I should be forcing them.. they are not babies and I feel they have a right not to go of they don't want too.

    It is so hard to hear my husband sorting out his new house and life without us being a part of it but i am really hoping he has this time to reflect and decide that he does want to work at this and start things slowly and take our time to learn about each other again... a movie night... a dinner... a cup of tea... a walk on the beach... one day I will pray he calls me to invite me for one of these. Hopefully this day will come in the future.

    I really feel like he has died and the grief I feel is like I just buried my husband. I hope this never happens and we get to grow old making more memories one day.

    I saw a photo of him recently and it doesnt look like the man he was... he looks broken and lost.

    My kids are so important to me and I will protect them always.

    step by step

  6. Here I am
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    123 posts
    12 November 2019

    Hello Jayne106,

    I have been reading this thread for a couple of days now just waiting for some words of value to come to me so that I might have something to say. Unfortunately, none have come and I am at a loss as to what words might help. But, silence doesn't help much either! So, I thought I'd at least chime in to say that my heart has broken for you, and with each post I am even further impacted by what you're going through.

    I cannot imagine the feelings this would stir up, and I have no experience even close to this. What I can offer you though is the assurance you have been heard here in these discussion boards, and for what it is worth you are not alone. I can offer you an ear or two, and I can offer you a shoulder. I do however wish I had the magic words that could fix this terrible situation. Unfortunately, they are beyond me.

    Hope to hear from you soon.

  7. Summer Rose
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    12 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106

    Hi Jayne

    I think you are doing an amazing job to have organised help for you and your children. Great work! Good luck with your GP.

    How old are your boys? I have a 23 year old son and he has always been quite protective of me, as I imagine your boys are of you. Having said that, I know my son also adores his father.

    Are your boys normally close with their dad? My instinct would be not to force your boys to do anything. They may think that it will further hurt you if they spend time with their dad and this may be holding them back. If it was me, as hard as it might be, I would let them know that it's okay for them to see their dad. Release their guilt for their sake and see what happens. I'm sure the counsellor can probably advise you more on this.

    I know it's hard to understand your husband's unwillingness to try but please remember that he is unwell. He may need to focus on getting well before he can deal with the marriage issues. Recovering from depression and a suicide attempt is tough and even harder without professional help.

    Does he ever open up to you about the state of his mental health?

    Kind thoughts to you

  8. Jayne106
    Jayne106 avatar
    55 posts
    12 November 2019 in reply to Summer Rose

    The kids are 18 and 16. The eldest has gone out with him and I have encouraged them both the see their dad and spend time with him.

    I think tue relationship was strained which I never realised before he left them as they have come out with things about how they have felt he has been as a father. I feel guilty for not seeing that they felt this way.

    I am going the counsellor will help them open up and know that we are going to be ok as a team together for the time being.

    my husband came to collect his stuff and my eldest told me he was so proud of me that i didn't cry and helped and was nice and calm and for this is was super proud of me even though he said he could feel me shaking.

    when inside away from kids my husband asked to give me a kiss and cuddle without it being weird and I said of course as I love him and would cuddle and kiss him all day off I could. He told me how good I looked and didn't seem to want to leave.

    The boys are hurting and trying to get their owns heads around it all. they are protective of me and I have promised them that they have safe ears with me if they need to talk.

    I am really hoping my husband gets some help for his sake as he looks unhappy and very lost.

    depression and mental illness is a word i have heard many many times but I never thought it would affect someone I love.

    hoping the gp might be able to assist and I am really hoping I can start to eat a little as I am not feeling great.

    my brain hurts and my heart aches. if he didn't love me and was so happy with leaving why would you ask for a kiss? I think if I did leave my family it would be the last thing I would ask for but because I love him I never refused.

    He told me today he is going back to see doctor and I asked if he considered counselling and he said he might think about it. He said he has taken extra time off to "get his head right".... this surely means he is aware something isn't right. said he has only slept 5 hours in 4 days. this can't be healthy for him and it makes me feel horrible.

  9. Summer Rose
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    13 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106

    Hi Jayne

    You sound like an amazing mum and the boys are so lucky to have you. I feel that you three are going to get through this and come out the other side with a unique and stronger bond. It will get easier.

    I fully understand your shock that mental illness has entered your world.

    Mothers of teenagers have a lot to worry about but mental health wasn't even on my radar when my daughter fell ill. Mental health conditions don't discriminate, they affect people at every age and stage of life. Depression is unfortunately common but the good news is that with the right treatment most people do recover.

    Sounds like your husband is doing it tough. Perhaps reality is setting in--there is no doubt in my mind that he is lonely, sad and missing "home".

    The wierd thing about us humans is that we all need to learn from individual experience and our own mistakes. For whatever reason he has to make this change, but it's going to be a learning experience to live it. Good that he's getting help along the way.

    Did you manage to eat today? Hope so. Will you see him again soon?

    Kind thoughts to you

  10. Jayne106
    Jayne106 avatar
    55 posts
    14 November 2019 in reply to Summer Rose

    Hi Summerrose

    Thanks for the reassurance.

    My boys and I are very close and I think this situation is bringing us even closer.

    Currently I see him a couple of times a week for activities the kids are involved in and soon that will stop and might be a good thing for him not to see me for a while.

    He has expressed he is upset with the youngest as he is ignoring him and i am unsure what to tell him. the youngest at this stage wants nothing much to do with him and feel abondoned. He has expressed that he only wants to spend an hour with him xmas day and doesn't want to be with him without his brother there who is hos voice I believe. His brother has been very supportive and has even expressed to me he thinks better his brother doesn't go at the moment.

    The eldest is also now making excuses and doesn't really want to go see him and I know I should encourage but I also know they have opinions and are young adults and are hurting.

    We are all booked to see counsellor this week and I think it will be good for them and I am hoping it helps all of us.

    The children don't know anything about the mental health side of things and he doesn't want them to know. I believe it is hos choice to tell them and until he has help and can work out what os wrong I think this is a good idea.

    I am not sure how it all works and what is right from wrong anymore but I do feel he needs to experience the full force of his decision to leave the family and that the children have a right to be upset at the fact he turned his back and walked out on them and I. They feel betrayed and so do I.

    Only ever had eyes for him and we all love him so much but the 3 of us have a feeling of no worth to be just tossed aside and left.

    my children are my world and even more so now so I will do anything to protect them.

    not sleeping much at all and no I am barely eating. i have a GP appointment tomorrow so going to hopefully get some support.

    I know i need to just be strong for my boys and hopefully I can do this moving forward and hopefully my husband gets some help before he loses his children as I feel they are going to turn away from him with the way he has acted and kids acting currently towards them.

    They have commented all of a sudden dad is trying to be nice and its just all an act! It is very hard for me to comment so I don't say much to them except he is your dad and needs to find himself!

    let's hope he does before anymore of our lives are further destroyed

    1 person found this helpful
  11. MO2TG
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    49 posts
    14 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106
    Hi
    I found your post last night. I turn to the forums to seek comfort & advice knowing others go through similar situations. Alot of it resonates with me personally. I have only posted once before. I will give a little background of my situation, to maybe explain why I feel your pain/struggle. I can also feel your strength shining through and the love u have for your family.
    Our family is struggling to from a significant suicide attempt and mental health condition of one of our children. This happened 18 months ago. And teenager is coping and dealing with the situation really well now.
    As a parent it's been rough. My HB a complete rock. However he too has now left the family home and is not coping. He has removed himself and is remote , lost and irritable. He expresses that he hates his family and cannot be around us.
    I love.my HB and my family. I have had to put my own oxygen mask on first and make a lot of decisions for my own well being. I knew he had to go as the anger inside him was unbearable.
    Now I wait, being supportive of my teenagers , encouraging them to maintain communication with their dad. I maintain communication with HB.He knows he is unwell, but not seeking medical hlp. He needs counselling at the bare minimum..not sure if he is doing this either. I am giving space in the hope that he can heal. He was a complete family.man. Now he is stranger.
    From me to you, I feel u
  12. Jayne106
    Jayne106 avatar
    55 posts
    14 November 2019 in reply to MO2TG

    Hi MO2TG

    I feel for you too and you are so right that we need to put our own oxygen mask on first. It has always been me trying to hold this all together and I habe realised I am not able to control his actions.

    My husband has a very demanding job which he has always put first and in saying this we have always had a good life from his hard work and i admire how much he has given to his role although it has now come at a huge cost that he is unable at present to see. the kids are now vocal about how they feel this has affected our family and them individually.

    In saying the about he has always been a family person and a fun loving husband and dad and now he tells me he feels empty... feels clouded... feels he doesn't love me like a husband should love their wife but he does care for me very much! Then he comes to pick up stuff and asks to cuddle and kiss me and this is confusing as how do you asl this if you are so certain you don't love someone.

    I haven't yelled of gone off and out family ajd friends that know are shocked and said I have been exceptional in my behaviour given what he has put our family through so far but I am concerned for him and hos health and I want my boys to know I tried everything to the best of my ability to help their dad.

    Do you feep your husband will come back?

    my HB has seen a GP already but not sure if he will continue with this to get help or will seel counselling.

    I am seeking both for the kidsand myself as i need to know i have done evrrything to make sure they are ok.

    At present I am finding they are starting to ask more questions and they want only the truth and this is what I have given them. The longer time goes on the more they are feeling lost and abondoned and i can understand this as I feel the same.

    We have great support network and everyone is trying to be there for us which is great. I hope he seeks some support as the closer we get to xmas the harder things will become or maybe he will be really happy with hos choices and enjoys the time as a single man.

    It is hard to work out how they feel this when we as mum's and wives are standing here loving our hB and lost in the situation.

    My days are filled with work and the boys and I are making plans all the time of things to see and do to keep us busy ... hope is all we have on our side at present and everyday I keep telling myself to hold that space of hope in my soul and heart and he might come back

    Am I crazy for holding hope... who knows!

  13. Summer Rose
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    14 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106

    Hi Jayne

    Good to hear from you again. Thinking about the situation with the boys and their father ...

    I agree with you about disclosure. It's really up to your husband to disclose his mental health condition to the boys (and others) when he's ready. And, if you were to do this, it really would amount to a huge betrayal of trust and could potentially impact your husband's recovery and, of course, your relationship with him. However, not understanding that their dad is unwell is probably making this a lot harder on your children.

    I think you should gently share how the boys, especially the youngest, are feeling about their father with him and, at the same, time encourage your husband to consider telling the boys about his mental health issues. This is because it may ease their hurt if they understood that their dad was unwell. It's the difference between thinking their dad chose to leave them and knowing that their dad really doesn't have a choice right now as he's very unwell.

    You could even call the bb support line on 1300 22 4636 and order some printed resources about depression etc, so the boys could learn about the illness and better understand their father's behaviour and situation. The boys could also support their dad's recovery if they chose to. This would be a win win for the entire family.

    Just my thoughts.

  14. Summer Rose
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    14 November 2019 in reply to MO2TG

    Hi MO2TG

    I felt ready sad reading your story, you've certainly been through a lot and in an ideal world you sure deserved a happy ending.

    Maybe it is still to come. With the right help, there is always hope for your husband's recovery.

    Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers

    1 person found this helpful
  15. Jayne106
    Jayne106 avatar
    55 posts
    14 November 2019 in reply to Summer Rose

    I have tried to gently pass this information on to my husband but he acuses me of trying to make him feel guilty to come back to the marriage so I have said to myself I will no longer tell him how they are suffering. He needs to walk this path and will need to see what has happened with he is ready.

    I have no idea if he is strugging from depression as he has not said it to me. It is my opinion that he is suffering as you dont have thoughts and an attempt on your life if you are fine and I know he has said things but since seeing the GP he has not disclosed anything to me of what the Dr has thought about it so I am unsure how bad it is and what the GP thinks.

    I believe it is up to him to speak with the kids when he is ready but I know the kids are going to ask questions of why he wasn't able to stay and work on things whilst here. He never wanted to try it no matter how or what I suggested.

    I understand from so much research and reading that people can feel this and the only way to cope is to isolate themselves and remove themselves from the people who care and love them. It is hard to stand on the sidelines and not be able to help him through this.

    All I can do it hope that he will seek help... hope that my boys will be ok and hope that I also can survive this loss in my life.

    When I see him he tells me how good I look as he did again tonight when I sae him at a function and it makes me wonder if you dont love me how do you tell me this and even look at me in that way. I have now lost over 50kg and sometimes I dont recognise myself in the mirror and I am wondering if he feels it isnt me. I am in a forum for people that have lost weight like I have and they have said they have experienced this with their partners. I am trying to look for anything i could have done to make him feel like this.

    The children need their father and I need my husband but I suppose I am trying to remain positive that he needs himself at the moment and needs to work on this first. since we are fine we need to cope with it to support him. I feel by allowing time and space and not losing it in front of him and being a good mum he will he able to have less stress so he can focus on himself.

    The hardest part of this all is you feel destroyed and I feel like my own mental state has taken a huge hit and I am slowly fading away into nothing.

  16. Summer Rose
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    15 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106

    Hi Jayne

    You are so not "nothing".

    You are loving and kind to your boys and husband.

    You are a resourceful problem solver, organising family counselling.

    You are looking after yourself by seeing your GP.

    You are holding it together.

    I think you're doing great, although I imagine you are tired with all you are doing plus working, plus parenting, plus looking after the house, plus, plus, plus.

    Hopefully this weekend you can take some "me".

    Kind thoughts to you

  17. Jayne106
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    55 posts
    15 November 2019 in reply to Summer Rose

    I am so very tired. overwhelmingly tired.

    Saw my gp today and he has started me on medication to calm me a little and to try and help me sleep.

    Not sure i want to take it but he was great with his advice and told me not to give up hope yet on my husband.

    he has said he needs to take this time to find himself and get help and hopefully with help he will see the light again and the happiness he had with our family.

    He has asked me to tell the kids this...

    A man walked past a letter box and placed in a bomb. The 3 of us were out walking and as we went by the po box exploded and the 3 of us were injured in the cross fire. it wasn't our fault we were just there and currently we are injured and in hospital where we will need to work on healing. the man who placed the bomb is fine but needs to seek help to find the root cause to why he placed the bomb in the letterbox.

    It is an interesting statement and one that has stuck with me all day.

    The GP believes I am caught in the cross fire and I hope that eventually my husband will find himself and then work on finding himself back with us at a counsellor together to work on us but only once he has done it for himself.

    The boys expressed today they have no interest in staying at his new house overnight and at this stage neither have any interest to even go to the house. I have said for them to take their time.

    the eldest took the younger one out today and he said they actually had a nice lunch together etc. it was so nice too hear that they were together as normally they aren't always that close but this has brought them closer. i thanked him for being their for his brother.

    each time I go to melt down I am telling myself to stop and reevaluate the situation. my boys need the stability and support.

    I have tried to get excited about xmas but this is another hurdle I need to face so need to give myself another couple of weeks til I think about this.

    counsellor tomorrow with the children and I really hope it helps.

    this forum has been amazing and your support as a stranger is oh so lovely and i appreciate it.... I really mean this.

    some have question could he be acting or really have mental health and this isnt been my family as they want so much for him to be back here with us.... I have always said it is an issue with mental health and I will stand by this as I know my husband and I know someone who has admitted to harming thoughts can not be acting or making this as an excuse just to get divorced, true?

  18. MO2TG
    MO2TG avatar
    49 posts
    16 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106
    Hi Jayne106
    Thankyou for your reply.
    Until he gets help or makes progress I don't see him coming home anytime soon.
    It's hard, i just try to look after myself and our teenagers.i go to counselling monthly now but it's a bit repetitive atm. Ike I'm in a holding pattern
    There is a lot of loneliness.
    I try to plan things so I have something to look forward to.
    I have got the teens getting help as well.
    The ricochet of depression....It affects all of us not just the individual with depression. I blame the disease not the person.
  19. Summer Rose
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    17 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106

    Hi Jayne

    Based on everything you've shared here about the situation I can't imagine your husband to be faking a mental health condition as an "excuse" for divorce. That just doesn't make sense to me.

    What would be the point of acting as though ill? Not sympathy, as no one knows. How would this benefit him in a divorce proceeding? I can't think of any possible advantage. Why would your husband do this? Seems like quite an elaborate lie, complete with a suicide attempt, when he could have just said he wanted out and walked out the door.

    I think it far more likely that your husband is acting to put on a happy face in front of you and the children, than acting as though he is ill.

    You have seen the pain and emptiness in his eyes. You know him better than anyone. The right answer is in your gut.

    I'm glad you find talking here helpful. I feel honoured to have met you and grateful for the opportunity to lend a helping hand.

    We are strangers but we are connected through our humanity, and the shared understanding of the devastating impact of mental health conditions on the entire family. We have a bond, my friend, and as long as talking here helps you, I will be here.

    Kind thoughts to you

  20. Tess2
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Tess2 avatar
    458 posts
    17 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106

    Dear Jayne,

    i have just read through your thread and feel so much for what you are going through. You have been given great support and advice from Summer Rose and MO2TG. I can also see the change in you over this brief time. Although you are grieving so badly you have been there for your children and are doing the things to keep your life with them together. That is huge.

    Your husband must be feeling terrible, even though he has made all these changes. Depression is a truly dreadful illness and the sufferer loses control of life and their ability to manage it. Sometimes just looking after oneself is hard enough.

    You are doing all the right things for your sons and they are supporting each other too so you are doing a lot right.

    Just keep doing this one day at a time. Give your husband the space, it is clear that he still has feelings for you, but he is the only one who can sort through what he is feeling.

    Meanwhile, keep seeing your GP, and being open to your sons.

    tess

  21. Jayne106
    Jayne106 avatar
    55 posts
    17 November 2019 in reply to Tess2

    I feel so blessed tonight to have found this support group. It is so nice to have the extra support.

    I agree totally that he isn't well and I will keep hope he will seek help he needs to assist him finding his happy place and as I have expressed I am holding on that this is back here with us. I have also expressed to the people who have questioned the mental illness that no one attempts to take their life or does go and see a doctor if they arent unwell. my family have been supportive and can see he isn't himself. I can understand friends questioning him as again they are only concerned for me. I think they are concerned I am holding on to hope to be crushed again.

    The boys and I have seen the counsellor and it was so great for them to have someone to talk to.

    the youngest is struggling really hard at the moment and doesn't want to have anything to do with his father from here on. I think he needs some time away from his father at the moment to get his head around everything. I hope my husband can respect this. the eldest son is also starting to feel the same way and I think has gone into protection mode over his little brother which I can understand.

    The irrational decisions have been so hurtful but insightful also that if he can make so many irrational large decisions so easily then I can hold onto the thought that he might stop at one point and realise what is happening.

    I am very mindful this must be a difficult time for him and even though i am hurting and sometimes angry at what has happened I also know that I am needing to be there for him for support if needed.

    My days are full with work... home duties and of course activities for the boys and this helps keep my mind active and busy all of the time so I don't have as much time to sit and cry.

    People are expecting me to be strong and keep telling me they are amazed how I am handling it but all I can see is a broken woman that has lost her way. It is hard knowing you are looked at under the microscope as to how you are coping with the loss.

    nights seem to get longer and longer and the mind runs wild when you have so much time to think.

    so many emotions tonight. so tired and so confused most of the time.

    my gut tells me he is so lost and so unwell that he needs this to find his way home one day and to find his way out of work at some point. I really hope my gut is right as I am concerned what next stages look like.

  22. Jayne106
    Jayne106 avatar
    55 posts
    18 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106

    Today has been awful as I have had to tell my husband that the youngest wants nothing to do with him at the moment. the youngest suffers from aniexty and is not able to express to his dad, how much he is hurting. The counsellor has said I will need to be his voice. I rang my husband to tell him what the youngest had asked me to say and it honestly killed me. it killed me that he also then accused me that I had great enjoyment basically for telling it to him. I tried to explain it is such a minor amount too what they have said and i am trying to protect him and the kids in this situation but I had to respect the youngest wishes to ask him not to contact him at the moment.

    I feel like I am expected to keep it altogether and I just sometimes don't know how to.

    he is clearly upset from the youngest not wanting to talk to him and I feel for them both.

    it was acceptable in his mind to walk out on the 3 of us but heaven forbid anyone says how we are feeling. I truly believe he doesn't believe a word of what has been said and his words are we are trying to make him feel guilty.

    I know he isn't well as truly my husband would never have thought this especially about his children. This has gone beyond me and he is now not thinking straight when it comes to the boys.

    He wanted time but doesn't want to give it to anyone else to grieve about what he has done to our family.

    To our friends and to the kids I have only ever tried to protect him. Never have I said a bad word and i tell the boys I love him everyday and hope he is ok with his life.

    Does depression cloud your mind so badly that you continue to try and destroy everything in your life. I feel he is trying to destroy me to justify why he left without trying.... is this a possibility. I won't allow myself to be consumed by his behavior towards me. I dont deserve that and neither do my boys. We love him.

    it's like it is a constant battle.... he changes around things that have said and i write alot in a journal normally straight after a discussion and I know he is doing this to me but he won't listen to any reasoning or explanation and just seems to want to be oppositional about everything.

    why?

    is this a sign of someone in denial.... someone depressed... someone who may realise they are making a mistake in their life.

    I don't care about anything that has been said or done to present.... the past is the past and I will always be there.

    my boys are really hurting badly and he doesn't even realise!!

    1 person found this helpful
  23. MO2TG
    MO2TG avatar
    49 posts
    19 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106
    Hey Jayne
    It's a terrible situation to be in. You are doing the best that you can right now.
    Unfortunately depression like all disease does not care. Being an advocate for your child is right.
    At times it feels like we are the only ones standing up fighting for our family.
    We still have to work ...Still have to be there for our children...Still have to continue to run the house food ...bills.. And we still want to be there for our partner with depression. It's a big task.
    I try not to resent the behaviour of depression. I just manage what I can. I have great support in my job and family.
    Today is a new day, and when it's really tough it's a new hour and a new minute.
    Be good to yourself. Give yourself a break. Your helping me by starting this post.
  24. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1558 posts
    19 November 2019 in reply to MO2TG

    Hi Jayne and M02TG

    You two women are doing an amazing job. I am in awe of your resilience and strength.

    Jayne, I think your husband is not only unwell but very unhappy. I'm not surprised that he is directing anger at you and trying to blame you instead of really listening to what you are saying. It's easier than really seeing the situation.

    One thought. You can write him a letter to explain what's happening with the boys. Your counsellor could even help you. It will be harder for him to twist things. Just stick to the facts, no judgement or hidden meanings.

    Keep on the high road, even though it's hard. What was it Hillary Clinton said? Something like when they go low, you go high.

    When you and the boys look back on this time in 5 or 10 years from now, I believe it will be important for you to know that you acted with both integrity and compassion.

    Kind thoughts to all

  25. Jayne106
    Jayne106 avatar
    55 posts
    21 November 2019 in reply to Summer Rose

    It has been a huge couple of days.

    The eldest isn't happy with his dad and the way in which he has walked out. He is also upset that his dad makes out they and I are only saying stuff to make him feel guilty. The kids feel undermined and I can't blame them.

    I have had to start telling people we aren't together as most of the friends talk more to me more often as he is normally working. funnily enough each person I have told has asked me if this is work related as they have always seen how tough he has had it at work. It is truly amazing to listen to them speak. My husband tells me it has nothing took do with his work.

    I hope that the time he has on his own he reflects on this and gets help and one day he will want to be with us.

    The boys at this age really understand so much and they need their dad but at the moment they have both told him they dont want to speak to him or have any contact.

    I can understand there position as they feel in their words.... abandoned.

    Depression is such a huge part of this and I really hope he never feels like it is looked upon badly to come back and want to start again. I feel he will be too proud to want to come back and I hope that isnt the case. its ok not to be ok

    The boys have told me they truly believe their dad loves me and he just needs to have time to realise it and I must admit I hope they are correct.

    My GP gave me some medication to help and it has been great to calm me down a little especially of a night time and help me sleep as I am a nervous wreck most of the time.

    tonight I took the youngest xmas shopping and met with his step sister... My husband was married before me and left with the baby was 9 months. She is now 20 and she came to dinner with us which was awesome. it is so good for the boys and her to be together and she has told me she knows this isnt me and she hopes he sorts himself out and comes back to us so it is nice to know she supports him coming home. She said he needs to find himself ....

    The boys have decided and told him they will not be going there for xmas.... they don't want him to call or message and when they are ready they will be in touch.

    I have told the boys I am happy to continue taking them to counselling to help them and they can go in with or without me.

    I will head back next week for counselling and will continue as I believe it helps. I have to see my GP in another week and will continue to be their for my boys and look after me so I can look after them.

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1558 posts
    23 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106

    Hi Jayne

    You've had a lot going on but are still ploughing on. I'm really proud of you.

    Like you, the boys have a lot to process and it's going to take time. Thankfully you have put supports in place to help them work through their emotions. Just be there for them. Listen with an open heart. Lots of hugs.

    Wonderfull to hear of your encounter with your stepdaughter. I imagine that she is also struggling with this and worried, so lovely for you and the boys to give and receive support from her.

    Interesting comments about your husband's work and the potential impact of these pressures on him. Certain occupations and professions do take an enormous toll on a person.

    My husband is in a high risk role in terms of potential impact of mental health conditions and I have always made generous allowances for this at home. It's not easy but we talk openly about it now which helps (one of the positive outcomes of our daughter falling ill).

    Once you realise that anyone can fall ill at any time, life changes. Learning the people also get well changes things again.

    You are right to believe that your husband can heal. Life can get better.

    With regard to Christmas, you know what the boys don't want to do but have you talked with them about what they want to do? Just thinking about how hard it might be and thinking a change in routine might help.

    Kind thoughts to you

  27. Jayne106
    Jayne106 avatar
    55 posts
    24 November 2019 in reply to Summer Rose

    What a terrible nights sleep I had last night. Trying not to take the medication the doctor has given me lead to a night of no sleep and when I did sleep.. nightmares. Might be a few nana naps today!

    His job pressures are huge and always have been but more so recently. He was demoted from a management position a few months ago and the doctor and counsellor all have said this is the trigger but he won't have any talk of his work being the issue. the counsellor has even said in our first session you need to leave your job. Before our kids knew he was leaving one of our sons told him that he puts work in front of our family... interesting how the kids saw it and more has now been said to me about how they felt and I feel for them and my husband who can't see that his job has played a huge part. after the demotion he was drinking up to a bottle of scotch a night and staying up late. He has admitted to this to the counsellor and friends.

    I wish I would have seen it but I didn't know he was drinking that much and this guilt now lies with me daily. The fact we weren't able to communicate about how he was feeling.

    I have had my own demons losing 50kg since Feb and to be honest I was so exhausted from not eating alot and the mental exhaustion from the huge change my body was going through.

    It has been an enormous year and when I have said the challenges I have faced he just turned his back like I don't even matter.

    Whilst I understand how he must feel horrible it hasn't made it any easier knowing he turned his back on me at a time I was most vulnerable.. that hurts alot. It hurts he did this whilst our eldest was trying to do his HSC and whilst the youngest has been just diagnosed with epilepsy in August and can't drive so we have been faced with alot and he decides to go. knowing how my husband used to be I know that the depression has caused this as he never would have meant to hurt our family the way in which it has been hurt and torn apart.

    My husband had told the eldest he has written his resignation for his job but doesn't know when or if he will hand it in and to the kids in their mind he has again selected to walk out on us but keep that job! instead of trying anything with me to help the situation he has selected to leave but still work in the high pressure role.

    On top of that signing a 12 month lease on a rental gutted them as they thought he might come home and try but this sealed he isnt at least for 12 months in their minds.

    really gutted

  28. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
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    Summer Rose avatar
    1558 posts
    24 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106

    Hi Jayne

    Sorry you didn't sleep last night and then nightmares. Ugh! Couple of naural remedies that I use in situations like this ...

    Warm bath in Epsom salts before bed. The magnesium relaxes the body and mind but you need to soak in it for as long as you can. You can also purchase magnesium powder and drink it mixed eith water before bed. It works for me. Camomile tea and Hoarlix (you can buy this powder at the supermarket) are also good before bed.

    To me, as an outsider knowing only what you post, I'd bet my last dollar that your husband's issues at work are at the heart of his current mental health issues.

    I'm going a bit out on a limb now, but I'm guessing that he was the "provider" and you were responsible for meeting everyones emotional needs in the marriage. So, anything that threatens his ability to provide threatens his whole being, his complete sense of self.

    You or I would just go get another job but for him it's far more complicated. The demotion meant failure as a man, husband and father because that was his role.

    I don't think he's choosing to put the job first, he has to. Because without that job and status, who is he? It's a lot for him to come to terms with.

    I know you feel gutted that he's left when you and the kids are vulnerable but I encourage you to consider that no one can choose the timing to fall ill. Would you feel so hurt if he was diagnosed with cancer or had a heart attack at present? What's the difference?

    Please remember that he isn't choosing to be ill at an inconvenient time to hurt you, this is something that is happening to him and he has no control over it.

    I hope I haven't said anything to upset you. If I have, I apologise now because I do really care.

    Kind thoughts to you and the boys

  29. Jayne106
    Jayne106 avatar
    55 posts
    24 November 2019 in reply to Summer Rose

    Most certainly not offended at all and you are so right. He didn't choose to be ill. He only chose to leave us because he didnt realise he was ill and I am not sure if he even has yet realised how ill he has been.

    You are 100% correct he has always been the provider. He has been in this job for the same time we have be together. Almost 20 years! Only recently has my career taken off and I am now almost even with him and my job has gone from strength to strength and although a tough place I manage it plus our home etc. I always have been good at organsing as it is one of my things I just seem to be good at.

    I am not sure if this has also played a part that I am succeeding and his work is failing him. He isn't failing at it... it has failed him with lack of support and guidance and I really feel sorry for him that he didn't speak to me about it. I had lunch with my step daughter and eldest son today and they had a chat at lunch about how they both feel he has always put work first. My step daughter told me this is the reason she moved out from our house back to her mother when she was 12 now 20 as she was angry that he always worked and never had time for her and the boys. I apologised to her today and said I was sorry that I didnt speak up for them when they were younger. I should have said something. They both were great and said it wasnt something that was easy to see at the time. My step daughter said he has been seeking help at a counsellor so this makes me feel comfort a little that he is getting some help and I really hope it does help him to see that we can be a family unit again and that we really really love him and want him happy and home.

    He really does mean the world to us and we hate seeing him this way.

    Both of the kids were very open and my step daughter said she hasn't said anything to him about how she feels as I think she is scared to hurt him. The boys have been more open as they are here with him every day.

    They would be lucky to have eaten dinner with him 2 nights a week most weeks as he was always late home and he literally works 3 minutes from our house! my daughter said today she even found that so odd that he was never home to see the boys and when asked he would sometimes say I havent seen them for x days so dont know what is happening at home.

    His mental health is a main concern for me as I know he has made huge decisions on all our lives with clouded headspace but there is nothing I can say or do to tell him this at present

  30. MO2TG
    MO2TG avatar
    49 posts
    25 November 2019 in reply to Jayne106
    Hi Jayne
    I can hear your despair. I can relate yet again. Sometimes I just want to scream .....
    12 month lease...that would have hurt. Your feelings and reactions are normal.
    The depression won't let them see their families hurting from their actions.
    A big year for you to and who was there for you. The most important person yourself. Don't forget that. Cut yourself some slack. You were doing the best u could at the time. We are all responsible for ourselves. In a family yes we are meant to support each other but when there are big events happening and then the recovery it gets hard. We focus on getting through the day. We end up emotionally exhausted. I didnt see my husband start to slide into depression and he covered it for a long time. Now he's so bad he thinks hes still able to hide it.
    Your kids are angry hurt and understandably so . Your are doing a great job of supporting them through this. You reaching out helps me too. To know others are going through something similar( though i wish they weren't..its horrible), some that might understand where you're coming from Take carexxoo

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