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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

Topic: I've had enough of being a nobody -just need to vent

  1. Lee lee 73
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    13 March 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello lovely Grandy,

    Thank you for what you said dear friend. ..it almost made me 😢.

    Oh my goodness Grandy, Zac is an adorable little man...he has absolutely no fear. Iszy is still struggling, still scared of him. My poor sweetheart. I was almost in tears today I was stressing so much. It's selfish but I miss my Iszy.She is still cuddling me and giving me headbumps. She still loves going outside. I opened all the doors yestetdsay and thid morning. There were a few 'stand offs' so I have and wi'll keep them separated from now on. I feel guilty when I'm with her and not Zac....and vice versa... We will all get there soon I hope..

    I'm still feeling pretty good thanks Grandy. ..feel guilty for saying so... We're in the 3rd stage now of the trial. .I've been offered treatment once a month for 6 months ( treatment last week was the first of 6). I'm truly grateful for this. I do now have to pay my way getting there and back so I bus it in and cab it back home to reduce the cost. It evens out given I'm not paying for the medication.

    I found out yesterday I got the job I had the interview for. I'm so pleased and relieved. I start mid April. The organisation has great reputation in aged care, so I truly was hoping to get it.

    I hope you are doing better than ok ( pinching your line there ) beautiful lady. You are in my thoughts often. Hope you have been able to sleep.

    Sending you caring comforting thoughts and hugs dear friend

    Love Lee 💓

  2. Tess2
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    14 March 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hi Lee

    it sounds like things are going quite well for you, apart from the cats . Congratulations on the job.

    the cats will adjust. It just takes time. A mature cat could find a bouncy kitten quite annoying , let alone taking your time and jealousy, but she is still cuddling you and head bumping, so she is not too put out. Try not to be too anxious as Izy make react to that too.

    I am pleased that life is going well at the moment.

    tess

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  3. Lee lee 73
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    15 March 2019 in reply to Tess2

    Hello dear Tess,

    Thank you so much for your kind words.

    The kitties are slowly getting better..... !

    How are you going dear friend? I'm going to have a coffee....want one?

    Lee

  4. Ggrand
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    17 March 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello lovely Lee..

    Im super excited for you that you got the job...I know how much you want to go into a nursing home....You’ll do really well and the residents will be very lucky to have you care for them...

    Awe gee..I hope your furs babies. start to accept each other..I am pleased to hear that it’s getting slowly better, I think once Izsy realises that Zac will be staying..she will be okay...poor little Izsy...I read that if an adult cat hasn’t interacted with a little kitten..they are unsure what to do and are frightened of them..but usually the adult cat accepts the new kitty....Fingers..and heart are crossed they become friends soon 💜..

    Sweety..please don’t ever feel guilty for feeling pretty good...please try as hard as you can to be happy about feeling pretty good....You deserve happiness just as much as anyone else..so please Lovely Lee embrace the good feelings and enjoy them as best you can...That would make me so happy if you did embrace the goods...

    I hope your having a really good weekend dear friend....

    Sending you some love 💜 and caring hugs 🤗🤗.

    Grandy..

  5. Ggrand
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    20 March 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello lovely Lee..

    Im just calling in to ask you RUOK?..

    Youve been very quiet and I’m concerned about you..no pressure at all only when you feel up to it..

    How is your two gorgeous fur buddies get along...

    i hope so much that they are settling in together..

    sending you my love and hugs dear friend..💜🤗.

    Grandy

  6. Tess2
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    21 March 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Yes lee, what Grandy said. I have been thinking about you and hope things are still good and those kitty’s are settling in to each other.

    Tess

  7. Lee lee 73
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    24 March 2019 in reply to Tess2

    Hello dear Grandy and Tess,

    Sorry for late reply..... I've been feeling yucky..... am ok, not depressed - just sad and... empty. I'm eating sleeping and still kind of exercising. My furbabies are going ok.

    Thank you both for always being here for me. It means alot to me, truly.

    Love Lee

  8. Ggrand
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    24 March 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello Dear lovely Lee,

    Thank you so much for your reply..I have been both concerned and missing you...I’m pleased you say your not down, I feel being sad and empty is in its own way also is being down..

    I can understand so well the sad and empty feeling..and I’m really sorry that your feeling these emotions....I wish I could say something to help you feel better..🧡

    Im pleased to hear that your little fur family is getting along okay....Do you take them both outside on a harness..I could imagine little Zac exploring the outside world and would love playing with the little leaves, flowers, 🐞 🐛 🐜 and 🦎 etc....

    It’s good to hear that your still eating, sleeping and kind of exercising, I’m proud of you for doing that because I know it’s very hard to at times....

    I wish so much that I could be their for you, I would give you a long comforting hug, and let you cry as much as you need to on my shoulder sweetheart until your pain has eased..It’s so very hard on our own, and needing as I am...and I think you are, a real hug of someone that cares about us....I care for you and can only give virtual 🤗 hugs..but they really are from my heart..given with love, care and comfort....

    Please dearest Lee, never be sorry about a late reply...as long as I/we know your okay is nice to know and as much as you might not understand it comforts me to know you are okay......Much love to you dear Lee..

    sending you love and hugs dear Lee, Tess and all..💜💜🤗🤗🤗..

    Grandy👼..

  9. Lee lee 73
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    28 March 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello lovely Grandy,

    Thank you for your beautiful words my dear friend. What you say is always very touching and comforting, I thank you.

    Feeling empty and lonely is so soul destroying isn't it? It goes to the core of who I am. I'm not sure it will ever leave me. I can't help but feel so worthless, so ashamed of who I am, I feel so much a loser and a pathetic excuse of a human being - not that I feel human. .... I'm so empty. ...

    I do keep going. It is what it is. Iszy and Zac keep me entertained. Seriously, it's like the cartoon Tom and Jerry except cat and kitten. They both antagonise one another. Iszy has gone from being petrified to cautiously displaying dominance to couldn't care less but with a bit of bullying in between. Zac just wants to play, sleep and disobey mum. Thankfully Iszy still remains affectionate towards me (she doesn't hate me 😄🤗). It took her a week but she's back to giving me morning and night time cuddles. My baby girl is back. I love them both so so much. They are my everything.

    Thank you for your virtual hug Grandy. I wish I could give you a real hug too....and to you too Tess, even if you're not a hugger. I am ok - I don't feel depressed just sad still.

    Grandy. .and Tess.. I hope your day has been better than ok (steeling your words again lovely Grandy )

    Please take good care

    Thank you Grandy 🤗❤❤

    Love and hugs

    Lee

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  10. Ggrand
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    28 March 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Dearest Lee,

    I want to talk to you about your words about you..Your so hard on yourself beautiful friend...it hurts to hear you talk so negative about you and being so hard on you......You took me by surprise...and saddened me a lot..but I’m okay lovely lady..I have never met you, more likely never will...We talk to each other and learn about each other that way...it’s a kind of deep soul friendship we form..and it continues to grow by us caring each other as best we can....

    I have grown to love you by your words, which come from no where else except your heart and soul...I have learnt that you are a very valuable person, you do a job that a lot of people can’t do..you care for the frail and elderly, you give daily a piece of you heart and soul to those you care for that really do find you a very worthwhile person in their lives...

    Oh no sweet Lee, don’t ever be ashamed of who you are, nor feel like a looser or a ..(I’m sorry I cannot repeat the next words you spoke, 😢..)..oh my goodness lovely lady, how many people have you helped here..a lot, you have helped me so much, more then you’ll ever know.. Your a beautiful caring human being who I am so very proud and lucky to be able to call you my friend....I so much wish with all my heart and soul that you can see the gentle, compassionate, lovely, caring person you are with a beautiful heart.....love you Lee💖...Try very hard Lee to believe in you..

    Iszy and Zac sound so adorable, I would be laughing that much watching their antics..I’m happy for you that your gorgeous princess still loves...and no doubt unconditionally, our fur babies never loose the love they have for us...because it’s unconditional and pure it’s what love really is..and I’m glad that your little prince is settling in..😁 oh how are your toes?..😁😁..has Zac found them yet?.😁🤗..

    Im sorry if I said any wrong to you Lee, it’s just that I care so much for you and want you to see what I see in you...

    Sending you love and such big squishy hugs 💜💜🤗..That goes right through and warms your heart and brings peace to your soul dear friend....

    Grandy..

  11. Lee lee 73
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    29 March 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello dear Grandy,

    I'm so sorry, I've tried to write a reply 3 times. ..but I'm a bit emotional at the moment. ..if it's ok, I'll write a proper reply later.

    Grandy, I can't remember ever not feeling this way about me...

    I'm so sorry beautiful lady for upsetting you. I do hope you are ok.

    Thank you for being you gorgeous lady. Love you too ❤.

    Love always

    Lee

    P.S omg..... yes...my toes....ouchyyyyyy

  12. Ggrand
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    29 March 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello Dear Lee,

    Thats okay beautiful friend, take your time to reply, there no need to reply if you don’t feel up to it...

    Is it okay if I come to your tonight and keep you company..🤗 dear Lee, We can sit down quietly if you want to or if you feel to dear friend put your head on my shoulder and let those tears fall..I have a special cloud soft towel to dry your eyes...Then a cool damp cloth to cool them off.... I got hold of your hands Lee and I’ll not let you go.....

    Oh I made two very soft Pom poms..The bright pink one is for Iszy...it’s got some noisy plastic strips Pom Pommed, into it..so nice and noisy for here....The bright blue one is the same, but a little smaller..also with plastic made into it....They are both on a long piece of string that you can hang in the doorway and adjust the length.....😁 Oh Little Zac is climbing up the string, look at him,,Oh no..now he’s on your curtains, look out he’s jumping, right into you lap....Izsy is jumping around and flicking her Pom Pom all over the place, look how high she jumps wow, Izsy is having so much fun....Just try sweetheart to relax your thoughts and use the antics of your gorgeous fur buddies for doing some mindfulness...

    Lee...It’s okay, I’m okay just hurt because I care a lot for you....and I know how much of a gentle, lovely, beautiful soul you have......Can I ask you if I said the same to you..How would you feel? What would you say to me???..rhetorical lovely friend...

    Please Lee, be ever so gentle and caring toward you... as you would be to me....You matter to me a huge lot..

    Sending you big love and hugs..💜🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗..Dear Lee,

    Grandy..

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  13. Lee lee 73
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    31 March 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello Grandy

    Thank you for sitting with me lovely lady. Thank you for being you ❤.

    I think I'm sinking again dear friend 😢.

    I hate this so much. Why does it keep coming back to torture us....it is so not fair. I'm running out of steam - have fallen off the wagon.

    It doesn't help I've only been working 2,3 days a week with only 4hr shifts. Everyones hours have been cut. Starting to stress financially. I need to keep busy with work otherwise my mh declines. I still question if my mh is now more environmental -is loneliness the cause of my mh??? If I had a good connection with faulty or had a partner (or both even) , would I still feel lonely? Would I still be depressed? Just thinking out loud here. I feel like a freak and a waste of space for having neither. If only I wasn't so needy....how does one not want to be loved (in all its forms). .?...I'm still wondering. ......

    Lee

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  14. Ggrand
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    1 April 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Dear lovely Lee,

    Im always here for you when I’m able to be sweety...

    I read your post and really had to think about it..

    Wanting to be loved...Oh yes big time I would love to be loved in r/l...but I have lost my trust to get close enough for anyone to love me....I feel like an inconvenience to my sons, they don’t ring...youngest does msg..but it would be nice to hear his voice...I have found people who love me here on BB....I would give anything to meet them...This is my lifeline..I feel loved and cared for here, it’s a beautiful feeling, but I really miss being hugged..I haven’t had people contact for so long now..and that hurts a lot...I really don’t know how people do not want to be and know what love is...

    It won’t be long until you start you new job..I’m not sure if you will have more days, hours etc..but I hope you do, if that’s what you want dear Lee...

    I looked up dr google and found that loneliness can cause depression, especially in adults...I’m truely sorry Lee, I wish that you could find a group or club that you could join and develop a good friendship with a member or two...It hard for me to suggest good for you...I’ve not had friends, I was afraid to have friends..(reasons)..I don’t know how to socialise, but I’m learning...I don’t go out to develop friendships, or meet people...im to scared to...but I miss being hugged 🤗 so much at times that I 😢.....I just so much wished that you had a close friend to share your life with...Deebi has a thread called “Loneliness what are our choices”. It had lots of ideas on there, maybe if you feel like it you might have a little read...it might help to give you some ideas..

    Sweety.., iI hope you have a good sleep tonight, with sweet dreams.....thinking of you often lovely friend.......I knitted you a pair of kitten proof socks 🧦 only took me a few seconds to do...while you wear them..Little Zac can chew on the sock and you won’t feel him.... 🐈 🐈....I hope both Izsy and Zac are doing okay...

    How are you feeling today lovely Lee....Sending you my love 💜, hugs🤗, and care⛑..
    Grandy..


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  15. Ggrand
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    3 April 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Good night lovely Lee.🌹....adorable Izsy and Zac..

    Thinking of you lovely lady and hoping you have a beautiful and restful sleep with special dreams of peace..

    RUOK.?....

    Sitting with you tonight dear friend....Ohh I found a chocolate 🍫 outside Peppys thread......I thought I would share it you....shhh...shhh..🤫..our secret...

    Love and hugs..Dearest Lee....💜🤗..

    Grandy...

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  16. Lee lee 73
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    12 April 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello dear Grandy,

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your friendship love and care.

    I have been hiding under a rock..... am starting to poke my head out. I hope you will forgive me dear friend for being so distant. I feel weird Grandy, my mood has been relatively ok but my head my thoughts so debilitating. Probably just wallowing in self pity....

    Iszy and Zac are going pretty good. Iszy still chases and growls at Zac but at least her hissing has stopped. Zac is such a handsome little man. Still so full of beans but he is still a kitten. I love my afternoon naps with him and so look forward to my morning cuddles with my baby girl. These two beautiful babies have kept me going. Thank you for their lovely gifts and my slippers to protect my toes....his teeth are so sharp....

    I have 2 days of orientation next week with my new job then my shifts will start the week after. I'm feeling both anxious and excited which is to be expected.

    Sending you my love and care dear Grandy. .you are always in my thoughts. ..that is the truth 💕💕.

    Love Lee

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  17. Lee lee 73
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    12 April 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    ......... and thank you the chocolates and for sitting with me 💕❤

    Lee

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  18. Ggrand
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    13 April 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73
    Hello Lee,
    You have nothing at all to be sorry about Lee, I understand about being depressed and cocooning or hiding under a rock, you need to do what you have to do...to look after yourself the best we can....if that makes sense...I’m pleased to hear that you’re slowly emerging from your rock sweety...Sometimes I get scared that I talk to much to people and I get annoying..if I am please let me know....I can get to much at times ..I know.....

    Lee..is it possible to try to distract your thoughts or challenge them...I found an app called thought diary, where you write down your thoughts, and there’s a section as well that you challenge those thoughts...I’m finding it hard to do. 😁 I’ll continue trying to..

    Im pleased that Iszy and Zac are becoming better adjusted to each other...They will later on become the best of friends....Our pets are our reason aren’t they? Without us they will never get the love or care we give them...I consider myself very honoured to be given the chance to be my fur buddies carer...I know you would be feeling the same about your gorgeous Izsy and mischievous Zac...

    Good luck sweety on your orientation next week..I was thinking about how many people applied for those jobs..probably hundreds and you got the job...Im Proud of you..and you’re new employers can see the kind and beautiful person you are....because they selected you out of possibly a hundred or so applicants...💜💥.. I can imagine how you would be feeling both of those emotions...I have a lot of belief in you..I know you will do good..and I really hope you will enjoy it....

    Try not to forget to breathe dearest Lee..come on we can do some now, if you want to...just hold my hands and we’ll do it together...in for 5....hold for 6.....and out for 5....again, let’s do it 3 times....Gets the blood oxygen level up , makes us feel better...

    Good Night Dearest Lee.. I’m wishing you a deep relaxing sleep with the sweetest of dreams ever...

    Much love 💕 and hugs 🤗 lovely Lee..

    Grandy..

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  19. Lee lee 73
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    14 April 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    I'm tired of b

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  20. Lee lee 73
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    14 April 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    I'm tired of being me, so so tired..I don't like waking up. ... so sorry to be writing this....I'm ok...i will be back later.

    Thank you beautiful Grandy ...will be back soon xxoo

    Lee

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  21. Ggrand
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    14 April 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello Lovely Lee..

    Please Lee, take good care of you...I’m really pleased you wake up daily...hun..your new job starts soon...How many days or hours per week will you be working?...I remember you saying your hours were cut from your other job, and you needed more hours to be active and distracted...

    Im sitting with you tonight dear Lee, If that’s okay..your last post has me really concerned for you....RUOK?.....Lee....No pressure to reply Lovely lady...I’m not going any where..💕..

    sending you much love and hugs dear Lee...🤗🤗 your important and very special to me Lee......Please take care of you...💕👼..

    Grandy....

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  22. Lee lee 73
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    14 April 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello lovely Grandy,

    You're a beautiful and caring friend Grandy...I'm sorry to have concerned you hon.

    I'm truly struggling, it feels like I'm sinking further, my mood has plumented...but do you know I got to thinking, my hot flushes have started back again so maybe it's hormonal as well - and pmsing too. Plus I'm not exercising (only yesterday ) or eating properly. I'm my own worst enemy me thinks. I looked at the app you mentioned. It's a good idea...I too struggle with challenging my thoughts Grandy mainly because I have trouble deciphering between thoughts and facts. I need to at least try though. Thank you for sharing the app with us Grandy - I did see it on your thread too.

    Grandy I just want to say, you never talk too much beautiful friend. Your posts are always comforting and put a smile on my face....I am truly grateful for our friendship Grandy and Iove that we're getting to know each other. .even if it is only online.

    I hope you are able to sleep tonight my dear friend. Please, you take care of you too. ...thank you for sitting with me. .... thank you for saying you're glad I do wake up..

    Sending you love and care too beautiful lady. ..and hugs.. be kind to yourself ❤

    Lots of returned love

    Lee

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  23. Ggrand
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    15 April 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hello lovely Lee,

    Thats okay , I listened to you previous post and felt your pain so much...because I also feel tired of being me a lot of the time..and get sick of waking up to nobody and nothing to do..I just completely understood your pain and got really scared for you....🤗

    Im really sorry that your sinking deeper into your depression,,,Lee your not you’re depression, your so much stronger than that little voice invading your mind....Try as hard as you can to disregard what you hear it saying, do the complete opposite, believe the complete opposite of what beasty is telling you...Choof..Choof..Choof..it off 🤜👿🤛..Inknow you can do it. I believe in you dear friend....

    Your amazing..over the past 6 months, you’ve sold your home, you bought a new home, bought you and Izsy a new fur buddy..applied and got a new job...So Much hun, you’ve done on you’re own..I’m so very proud of you..

    Not sure when your two days of orientation is for your new job...I know you’ll do good..Just letting you know I also have faith in you....

    lee ..please be kind and gentle to you....meaning to try as hard as you can to eat healthy meals 3 x per day..drink plenty of fluids, and when you feel up to it a little exercise is also beneficial....although I think once you start working in the new nursing home, you’ll have plenty of exercise..😁...🏋️‍♀️...

    Please keep talking here when you need to...we are here for you to try to help support you...We care deeply about you lovely Lee..I’ll sit with you again tonight lovely lady, and each night until you are feeling stronger...holding your hand while you rest your tired self on my shoulders....

    Much love 💕 and caring warm hugs 🤗🤗..sweet dreams Lee...good night ..

    Grandy..

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  24. demonblaster
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    16 April 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Hi there Lee ☺ and everyone

    Just tagging Lee I'd like to support you too ☺

    Hope todays a bit well a lot easier on you.

    See you later darl oh and still adoring your beautiful kitten.

    Hi beautiful Grandy 🤗

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  25. Ggrand
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    21 April 2019 in reply to Lee lee 73

    Happy Easter Lee..Iszy and Zac....


    I’m popping in here with some Easter goodies for you all...
    For Iszy and Zac, I have a catnip egg each...for you dear friend I have some Easter eggs, Easter bunnies and a little crystal jar full of happiness..when your sad, just open the little crystal jar and you will be reminded of some happy times you’ve had with your gorgeous fur family.....

    I so much hope your doing okay dear friend..


    Love and hugs dear friend..💕🤗,.
    Grandy..

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  26. Ggrand
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    24 April 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello Lee...and waving to you Deebi........

    Just popping in to see how your feeling lovely lady..I hope your feeling better then okay and your looking after you..

    RUOK?...

    Thinking of you....Please honey be safe...Looking forward to hearing how you and your two precious fur buddies....💜...🤗🤗..

    much love and hugs..💜🤗🤗..

    here if you need to talk..

    Grandy...

    1 person found this helpful

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