I am offended by nothing you have said. I don't mind being called a victim. Women in my position are often called the offender and worse. Their pain is rarely recognised as being a victim. Should I have known better? Looking back even with hindsight? No way I could have known it would end like this. The counsellor and I discussed how his total self interest and the selfish way he broke me (I am broken) without any thought to my feelings, was motivated by fear for his children.
However, for that he CANNOT be forgiven because he knows that staying in a bad relationship will do more damage to the child in the long run than separation. He KNOWS that I would have been an absolute beneficial influence in his children's lives. He KNOWS despite his wife's threats, he would still have access to his children.
I thought it'd get better, that he would acknowledge honestly what happened and even if he made a free choice to return to his wife, simply give me the respect I deserve and talk to me about his decision.
And this is what I now have to come to turns with. So Croix, and everyone else who has said more or less the same thing, he is a total b......d. No matter how guilty he feels about how he hurt me, it does not nullify that he chose to hurt me, that he did hurt me, over and over again.
I take heart from this forum, your sage wisdom, and the millions of sad break up songs out there that are telling my story so eloquently, that I have been used, abused and left to repair myself. Was I fool? I don't think so, perhaps only in not believing that this man of all men could be so cruel, that even now I want to defend him.
I agree that he is weak. He was given options, I showed him a future where there was happiness, support and dreams. He CHOSE darkness, misery and hate. Hate, he and his wife having a common enemy, me. He didn't think I was worth the more difficult path of divorce. Perhaps that is what is difficult to understand. And his total indifferent, patronising manner that he exhibited in the last couple weeks when our paths crossed at work. I'm only seeing it now, but even so I still adore him... the other him - I guess that's what you are saying this is him too.
Yes, naiive and now forever suspicious. Anyway, that's enough. No more self ingulgent poor me, Croix, I hope I am stronger but without being cynical and depressing to be around. I want to be resilient without being tough.
Thanks and truly, love to you all,