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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I can't find the right place for me to post

Topic: I can't find the right place for me to post

  1. quirkywords
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    28 August 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Moon,

    Sorry I did not explain myself. What you said was what I was trying to say am my confused way.

    Quirky

  2. Moonstruck
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    3101 posts
    28 August 2019 in reply to quirkywords

    ...

    relax dear Quirky....I am not confused...you are not confused...we both know what we mean...(even if no one else does)....I hope with every fibre of my being that this respite from my crippling, overbearing anxiety lasts as long as possible...I am not afraid ...just knowing it is possible is something I must keep in the forefront of my mind as much of the time as I possibly can.

    How are you these days anyway? Have you figured out who the person in the mirror is yet.?...could it be...ummmmm...you ??? (sorry couldn't resist).......love from me x

  3. Croix
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    1 December 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Dear Moon~

    I thought it more appropriate to discuss matter here than on the other thread.

    I tend to disagree with you about this specific set of circumstances. By letting it be kown "He was unhappy in his marriage for a long time and was certain he was going to leave" does create an expectation and possibly an obligation.

    By suggesting a plan this does two things, firstly it helps see if he is genuine, and secondly it gives a cut-off date which can assist if hope has to be abandoned.

    I'm not saying anything about any other relationship, just this one.

    You may well disagree.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Moonstruck
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    3101 posts
    1 December 2019 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix.....I can well understand your point of view...and also the frustration and confusion felt by our Forum friend who posted...

    I can only speak from my own personal position as "the other woman" for 8 years. I knew from Day One...he was married! that's it...the bottom line!! I went in with my eyes wide open at all this meant. (no obligations, no expectations..)and that I was risking heartache for myself ; that being "the other woman" meant I could not intrude upon, nor make any demands or pressure him with ultimatums to commit in any way; no matter how "unhappy" he may have been in his marriage..His marriage was none of my business.

    I feel most women who go into these relationships, need to understand they are not in a position to demand, or pressure for anything at all..to embark upon an affair with a married man, with the hope that he will leave his wife and family for you, is setting yourself up for heartbreak...his foremost obligation is to his wife and kids..if you accept this from Day One, you can spare yourself a lot of pain.

    of course you and I can disagree Croix..I am just speaking from another "other woman"s position..

    I wish our friend well and that she enjoys her man of choice for as long as she has him....it may well turn out to be permanent if that is what she really really wants....no one can predict the future.....and all relationships are different......best wishes Moon x

  5. Croix
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    1 December 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Dear Moon~

    I understand what you are saying, and one can of course go into a relationship with eyes wide open, though I suspect one's heart can take over in time. Zenobia ended up in that situation and was heartbroken.

    In this instance I do think there was hope they would end up together, maybe I'm wrong.

    I guess I look to myself, the only way I could have an affair would be to lie to someone, possibly my partner, and that is corrosive to the soul all by itself. Even a simple question like 'what did you do today' might require a lie or evasion. Frankly apart from the harm I might do my partner or the other woman I'd end up a mess.

    I emphasize this is just me and is no way a judgment on anyone else. I would think it was perfectly possible to see the whole matter from a radically different point of view, I can actually imagine circumstances where it is good for all parties involved - I guess it depends.

    I am not young enough to know everything.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Moonstruck
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    2 December 2019 in reply to Croix

    Thank you for understanding. The point I was trying to make is ..when a woman begins an affair with a married man with whom she is also deeply in love....she must be prepared for the inevitable heartbreak (except in very rare cases where he chooses her, over his family).

    The reason my lover ended our long term affair included just what you mentioned....the guilt he felt over lying to his wife all this time, the secret "other-life" he couldn't share with anyone, knowing while with him, I would never pursue nor let myself become involved with another, available man who could give me what he couldn't...i.e. commitment, a public relationship, perhaps marriage.

    No other man stood a chance...and he knew that...so he let me go.

    As I said, a family crisis sort of made him "wake up" and realise he was short changing both of us, his wife and me......it ended "well" if any affairs can ever end well...well this one did. (remember we are the best of mates 30 plus years on, each other's best friend and support and yes he is still wonderful.)

    There is a poem partly recited by Richard Chamberlain in the TV series "The Thorn Birds"...if you look up the original full length poem, I think it is called The Thorn Bird, not sure....you will see what I mean.....that's how committed I was to this man.

    (just for the record, I don't believe monogamy is natural to the human species and yes sometimes an affair can have a positive effect on a marriage)

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Moonstruck
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    3101 posts
    2 December 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Suddenly I began feeling very depressed since writing the above,,I shouldn't even have mentioned it...combined with the heat and Christmas pressure with its endless questions "Are you going to see your grandkids for Christmas, or are they coming up here?"...answer: Neither....and then I feel obliged to give a reason why (not that its anyone's business where I am going, or with whom, or to do what on December 25 any more than any other day of the year.....

    I shouldn't even have replied to our forum friend who had problems relating to being "the other woman". I feel I shouldn't post on her thread any more...don't want to upset her.

  8. quirkywords
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    2 December 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Moon,

    I am sorry you are regretting writing your posts.

    Sometimes people think they are showing interest in you by asking questions unaware they will be seen as being nosey.

    I think your posts were very helpful but I know how vulnerable I have felt when I write something very personal.

    I hope you are feeling better.

    Quirky

  9. Croix
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    2 December 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Dear Moon~

    I read the poem.

    You are a person of great depth and passion. I think the gentlman you talk of was privileged to know you then, and is equally so now. A love that remains as enduring friendship is a precious thing, saying a great deal about each person.

    I found your last few posts to be more than fine, they show the soul of a relationship and help give everyone understanding - that is no mean feat.

    Please do not underrate yourself.

    Please talk as frankly as the mood takes you

    Croix (no quote this time, too serious a matter)

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Peppermintbach
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    3 December 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon and all,

    I think matters of the heart are rarely so Black & White. I felt moved, elated & sad when I read your post about your devotion to your lover & friend of 30+ years.

    I think there are so many different ways to love. Monogamy is one way, but it is also the current social norm/dominant “way” in most parts of the world. But it’s not the only way. There are many different types of relationships & different ways to love....

    2 of my relatives both had romantic relationships outside of their marriages....

    1 of them met his love 15 years into his marriage. He wasn’t looking for anything, but somehow their paths crossed, & sometimes the heart wants what it wants. Long story short, he ended up filing for a divorce and is now married to the “other woman” (now his wife) and they have a son together.

    Another relative has always struggled with monogamy. In his case, I just don’t think monogamy suits him. But due to family & societal pressure, he ended up “settling down” in his 30s.

    An affair was discovered by his wife when they were both in their 50s, & he ceased contact with the other woman that he was seeing.

    His wife told me she stayed, not out of love or commitment. But because she said that she didn’t think she had many options, because for most of her life, he was the primary breadwinner. Coupled with limited work experience & limited education, she said that she would rather stay in a loveless marriage than separate & end up in a dire financial situation.

    I suppose my point is relationships are complex. Matters of the heart are complex, and there’s not necessarily one “right” way to love or to be in a relationship...

    I think people who have extramarital affairs often don’t set out to hurt people, even if that is sometimes what unintentionally happens. Sometimes people find others that they love more. Sometimes they weren’t suited to monogamy to begin with...there are many reasons.

    I think this man clearly meant something very special to you. It may be an “unconventional” love to some people, & maybe not everyone will understand, but in my own way, I think that I get where you’re coming from to some degree...

    Thinking of you...

    Much love xoxo



    1 person found this helpful
  11. Moonstruck
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    3101 posts
    3 December 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach

    It's so good to know you understand Peppermint....of course I was heartbroken when he ended it, but I understood also. This is always a risk one takes when choosing a relationship with a married man..this is clear from Day One.

    If you go in with the hopes and dreams that one day he will leave his family for you, you are setting yourself up for trauma and disappointment.....this is what I feared our Forum Friend may be hoping for right now. If it happens it happens, and good for her but I hope she is not counting on it for her sake. I missed my guy over all those years, course I did...but the memories were wonderful and I never regretted one minute. there was no ugliness, no possessiveness, just laughter and joy.

    To have been reconciled as best mates all these decades later is an added and unexpected bonus..we can tell each other anything...about our other partners, romances, whatever....not many ex lovers, particularly ex "forbidden" lovers get to do that!

    3 people found this helpful
  12. Peppermintbach
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    4 December 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi Moon and all,

    “Forbidden” ex lovers who became friends...all those years and your connection has remained.

    Sometimes people connect with others and there is always that latent pull towards them. It can even last a lifetime, as it has for you...You and your lifetime friend clearly share a mutual understanding.

    On a somewhat different note/a stray thought of mine: I think people don’t always marry the one that they love the most...a considerable number of people that I know would be able to vouch for that.

    So I think if a person ends up with someone who is also the one that they love the most, they’re very lucky...but that doesn’t always happen...just chance sometimes...

    That aside, I hope things work out for your Forum Friend. Who knows what the future holds, but I wish her the very best.

    I suppose all relationships are different...maybe she will be heartbroken but maybe she won’t be. As we are wired to connect and love, we are also unfortunately wired to feel loss, grief and heartbreak. But I think you’re right that most people don’t usually choose their other lover over their spouse...

    As for you, whatever did or did not happen in the past, you and your lifetime friend are now each other’s best friend & confidante. Maybe parts of the world will never understand or approve, but the two of you share a mutual understanding... and that genuine understanding is more than what many of us have :)

    2 people found this helpful
  13. CMF
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    7684 posts
    7 December 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Dear Moon,

    I think it's lovely that you are such close friends. You share a bond that only the 2 of you will understand.

    Pepper's comment

    'I think people don’t always marry the one that they love the most...' Is so true. I also believe the one we marry is not necessarily our soul mate. We connect with people on so many different levels.

    Cmf x
    2 people found this helpful

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