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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

Topic: I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

  1. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Grandy. Thanks for saying you can relate to my post, I’m sorry that you can relate but it’s nice to know I’m not alone in those feelings.

    I don’t know what I did to be blessed with such a loving supportive husband. I do feel he deserves better and always tell him I’d understand if he wanted to leave. My husband just cries and tells me he wants me. My psychiatrist tells me I try to self sabotage the relationship sometimes because I feel undeserving - I really need to stop doing that. As it’s affecting my husband. I hate my mental illness for the effects it has on him. I’m not the girl he married. He reminds me of our wedding vows and says he knows I’d support him if the role was reversed.

    Sorry to hear that you lost your husband four years ago. And sorry that he wasn’t a nice husband. I’ve never experienced people that are narcissistic so not sure what they are like, does that mean when people are wrapped up in themselves? Grandy it must be hard to be estranged from your sons - do you see much of them or talk to them?

    I’ve seen that thread you asked about. I think I commented on it. My answer was obviously no. So that’s why I say I choose to survive for my husband. Cause if it wasn’t for him I know I would not be here. Hard to admit and hard for people (my family) to hear but it’s the truth.

  2. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Smallwolf. I like the sound of your happy place. There’s something so beautiful about stone buildings isn’t there. Thanks for sharing with me.

  3. Guest8901
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    1634 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Good morning Emmy. We met briefly in the Cafe a few days ago, so hello again.

    I have been filling in some time and trying to distract myself through the early morning, so have read some of your thread.

    Like many others here, I am saddened by your situation. I am only on my mobile phone now, as I am away from home. So I will read further when I get home, and will write a more detailed response then.

    I note that you have a little doggy companion. I do too, and dont know what I would do without her.

    Talk more in a day or two.

    Mandy 🐶

  4. Chloe_M
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    Chloe_M avatar
    836 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hi Emmy,

    I finally had time to check out your thread. I read your first post, I had goosebumps and my eyes were watering 😢 You have been and are dealing with a load heavier than most people's, it's not fair. But then again, life isn't fair. Which is why we need to be strong. And you are the epitome of mental strength. You are a role model Emmy, and very important. Don't you ever forget that. You give support and speak words that I know come directly from your heart. I'm glad you've come back to BB. I wasn't here when you were before, but I reckon they would have missed you.

    😘 Chloe

  5. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Guest8901

    Hi Mandy. Thanks for reading my thread. Hope you’re doing ok - you said you were trying to distract yourself this morning.

    My little dog is everything to me. He’s what you call a “Velcro dog” so follows me everywhere (even to the toilet - lol - too much information). No but seriously I’d be lost without him, especially in the evening when my husband is at work. It gets lonely. I was considering registering him as a service dog as my psychiatrist thought it would be a good idea... so I could take him on planes, into movie theatres, shops - anywhere I have panic attacks. Just lots to organise so I’ve put it off.

    Do you have a thread of your own where I can come say hi.

    Hope you have a good day. Emmy x

  6. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3268 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Velcro dog - that did make me giggle, although that might have been the visual I got of having a dog stick to everything that helped.

    I think the service dog idea is great - could you make a start on organising it, perhaps?

    Buddy follows me to the bathroom too, sometimes he sits on the toilet mat and sometimes he just does a lap and walks out again,,,he's a strange cat!

  7. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Chloe_M

    Aaww Chloe thanks for coming and finding me ❤️ Sorry to have made you cry. Yeah life is hard but for some reason I’ve been given this life to live. Sometimes I wonder if we keep coming back to learn different life lessons. Probably a bit heavy. But we are all struggling in our own ways. There’s a quote I love ...

    “We’re all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell just different levels”.

    Thank you for your kind words Chloe - it’s really touched me. You don’t know how much. ❤️ X

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Chloe_M
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    24 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hi Emmy

    I like your user picture, its literally me.

    Same with me; this life kills me but for some obscure reason it is the burden i was given to carry. So i will carry it as best i can.

    I actually found it quite refreshing to cry, i needed to let it all out. Hope you have a good day,

    Chloe x :D

  9. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Chloe_M

    Quote was meant to read

    “We’re all in the same game, just different levels. Dealing with the same hell just different devils.”

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Chloe_M
    Sometimes it’s good to have a cry... let it all out. Xx
  11. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Music_Freak

    I found all the necessary paperwork to fill out him to become a service dog but there was a lot of different requirements he’d need to pass - I was unsure he would and thought the training would be too much. I’m hopeless, so slack and never commit to anything. It’s another thing I hate about myself - lack of commitment.

  12. Ggrand
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    9817 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hello Emmy,

    I hope you are feeling okay today.

    Emmy, your words to others here on the forum are so compassionate,kind and tender, I really think you are judging yourself so harshly, all I can see from what I hear is the total opposite of who you feel you are,

    Your husband sounds really lucky to have you and visa versa, your husband loves you deeply for who you are, please darl, don't put yourself down anymore, look at yourself through your husbands eyes see what he sees in you, a loving supporting wife who he loves very much, and he is easily hurt by you being to hard on yourself, embrace his love and enjoy each other, go out, picnics, theatre, beach, just have fun together and make each other happy, life is too short not to.. I wish you could see you as he does and others do here.

    Narcissistic well they are self centred, controlling, manipulative, and physically,mentally and sexually abusive, I was married for 38 yrs to him.. I wish my husband was as kind as yours is to give my love to..

    Emmy, please darling, look after yourself and be gentle with yourself you are so deserving of doing this.

    Kind thoughts,

    Grandy.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3268 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    If you know the training tasks involved, could you maybe commit to 10 minutes for a week or month etc. and see how you go using treats as an incentive.

    A weeks worth is only a little over an hour :) I'm sure you can do that Emmy, I have faith that you can. After all YOU WENT TO HAWAII!!!

    1 person found this helpful
  14. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    24 April 2018

    I’m so tired today. I want to reply to you Grandy and Narelle but I need to sleep. I’ll try to come back on later. I don’t know why I’m so tired.

    Most days I’m tired. Probably just the depression? But do any of you really struggle to do continue to daily tasks over a long period of time. Like the little things. I hate admitting it ... I’ve never really admitted it... but I struggle and I don’t know if it’s laziness or part of my MI. (E.g. like today I was in the shower and I noticed my cleanser... I reached for it and realised I’d prob not used it in like 6 months. Same with my moisturiser after I got out. It’s like I just get in the shower and only have enough energy to do the essentials - soap, shampoo / conditioner and that’s it. It’s all the energy I have. And all the effort I want to put into myself. I’m clean but just not willing to make any extra effort). The shower is just one example. I don’t work, and we get a cleaner! Cleaning makes me feel overwhelmed and I break down in tears. Is that my anxiety or laziness? I just don’t know.

    Anyway sorry I should be replying to you individually but I suppose I wanted to admit that. I hope someone can relate and people don’t judge. Don’t know where this has come from just something I noticed today.

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3268 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.
    I used to think I was lazy too Emmy. My dad called me lazy, maybe that's why I believed it, I was conditioned to...but I think it is to do with depression - everything is exhausting when you're not functioning to your full potential. I have been known to do the bare minimun, it's not just you
    1 person found this helpful
  16. Ggrand
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    24 April 2018 in reply to Music_Freak

    Hello Emmy, MF,

    I agree it's our depression that takes our motivation away, I used to be constantly busy cleaning my home, gardening etc, but once depression got its claws into me, I have no motivation to even make my bed daily, if I get up..

    Its not laziness Emmy I think it's our depression.

    Grandy

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Chloe_M
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    24 April 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Count me in Grandy.

    i used to be so excited and ready for school, dancing, homework, seeing friends, seeing family, going out etc and now I'm just no into it. It's not appealing. I just want to stare at the wall and do nothing...

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Thanks Narelle and Grandy. Sometimes I guess I just doubt myself and think it’s laziness. I’ll try not to be so hard.

    Grandy it broke my heart when I read what your said narcissistic people are like. You deserved so much better from your husband and I’m sorry you had to experience that.

    I judge myself cause of something that happened to be when I was younger. And I forever blame myself for that. My psychologist and psychiatrist tell me I was not at fault they groomed me and abused my trust but yeah anyway prob sharing too much. I just can’t seem to get past the shame of that. And now when I have found the love of my life he get the broken version of me. But everything I do, I do for him. So I am trying. We definitely have fun together but the anxiety restricts what we do cause of my panic attacks. And I don’t like being out of my comfort zone too much.

    Thank you for always being so kind to me Grandy.

    Narelle I totally should try to make the effort for him to become a service dog hey. I should think about how much more life I’d get back. Thank you for your encouragement. I’ll talk about it again with my hubby and see what he thinks. Imagine him coming to Hawaii with us :)

  19. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Chloe_M

    Ahh yes - staring at the wall. A favourite pastime of mine too. Chloe I’m so sorry that you’re having to experience depression and anxiety at such a young age. Hugs Xx

  20. startingnew
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    24 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.
    Hi Emmy


    the book club seems like a great idea. Having lots of ideas isnt a bad thing but take baby steps. A small group at quiet library with something your interested in sounds like a good step.
    The end of april is when I lost my nan, itll be 3 yrs this yr. Doesnt really feel any easier though does it. Having a connection with the afterlife is really special. Many choose not to believe but like you I do and often see those smaller or co-incedental signs.
    A close knit small family is better than a huge one that no one talks to one another in hey.


    I was reading your post about feleing tired and strugling with the basics. Thats something I struggle with too. Its like a deep seated tiredness that rest and sleep doesnt help- is that the same for you too?
    Im forced and on auto pilot most of the time with everything I need and have to do. When I do stop and hit a lower mood I barely move out of bed.


    Hugs and hugs xoxo
    1 person found this helpful
  21. Guest8901
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    1634 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Evening Emmy. I love the term 'velcro dog', very apt, I must say. Does your husband work shift work? Yes my little dog keeps me company when my husband is not around as well. He used to be away a lot, travelling etc, and Charli was my constant companion. Still is, for that matter, even when hubby is around.

    I think that would be a fantastic idea to have your dog as an official 'assistance' or 'service' dog. They are being used officially more and more for all sorts of reasons these days. I dont know what is involved in organising the official bestowing of the tag on him, but it would surely be worthwhile. I expect he's already very well trained, so training is unlikely to be the issue. Of course red tape is a pain, but an necessary evil I'm afraid.

    Yes Emmy (thanks for asking) I do have a thread of my own. Its in the Long Term Support section and titled "Am I opening up a Pandora's Box?". I suffer from PTSD and have panic attacks too, so I understand how distressing they can be. Typical of most people with PTSD, I have extreme anxiety and bouts of severe depression. I know nothing about AvPD, but am interested in learning more from following you and your thread.

    I believe that the lack of self care you spoke about earlier today, is very common for people with depression. I know when depression hits me, I feel as though I have no energy at all in which to do anything. And even if I did, I simply do not have the interest in doing so. This carries through from hobbies or jobs we normally enjoy, right through to very basic everyday self care tasks. I can definitely relate to you on that, and would certainly not judge anyone for that.

    I have been to Hawaii, but quite a long time ago now. I loved it. Did you get to the Big Island of Hawaii when you were there, where the volcano is?

    You mentioned that you are feeling very tired tonight. Please do not feel obliged to respond tonight. Try to have a relaxing evening and get an early night if possible.

    Amanda

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    24 April 2018 in reply to startingnew

    3 years :( You must miss your Nan a lot. Do you and your Pop and sisters do anything for the anniversary. My sisters and I just go to Mums memorial and talk with her and take her flowers. It’s hard this year as the anniversary falls on Mother’s Day. Mothers Day was the last time we ever saw her 4 years ago - and then two days later she was gone. I found this poem and it, for me, it’s the truest description of grief..

    “ I had my own notion of grief.
    I thought it was the sad time
    That followed the death of someone you love.
    And you had to push through it
    To get to the other side.
    But I'm learning there is no other side.
    There is no pushing through.
    But rather,
    There is absorption.
    Adjustment.
    Acceptance.
    And grief is not something you complete,
    But rather, you endure.
    Grief is not a task to finish
    And move on,
    But an element of yourself-
    An alteration of your being.
    A new way of seeing.
    A new definition of self.”

    So accurate what you said about the tiredness. It’s so deep that sleep doesn’t even help it - you wake up exhausted already hey. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t have stopped working but I was recommended to and I know it was becoming too much for me, but work does give you a reason to keep going in a way hey. Sometimes I think of my MI as my job. Like its my job to get myself better. I’m trying. It’s all I can do right.

    Big hugs back to you SN. Xx

    2 people found this helpful
  23. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    25 April 2018 in reply to Guest8901

    Hi Mandy. Hope you’re having a nice day.

    Hubby and I have our own restaurant (opened evenings) so that’s why I’m home alone most nights. Tuesday is his only night off. Why type of dog is Charli :) Glad you have him, especially at the moment with your husband being unwell.

    Sorry to hear that you’re having to battle with PTSD and panic attacks :( Avpd is avoidant personality disorder ... it’s hard to explain. Basically I avoid things in fear of being rejected. Here’s a description - avpd is characterised by a hypersensitivity to rejection and criticism, feelings of inadequacy and inferiority, intense self loathing and a strong desire for isolation.

    What you say about not having any interest in self care is so true. Things you use to love you just don’t anymore.

    YAY that you’ve been to Hawaii. Did you love it?? We went to Oahu, Maui and Kauai. didn’t get to the big island. We are going back in September again but staying the whole time (3 weeks) in Kauai... actually I lie we will hop over to Maui for 3 nights.

    1 person found this helpful
  24. startingnew
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    25 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    it only seems like yesterday she was gone an we had that dreaded 2am phone call Em, i wouldnt wish that on anyone. um we always got to her grave but i also light a candle here for her- a pink rose scented one- fave colour and flower and i also write her a letter. the poem is pretty powerful isnt it, thank you for sharing it <3

    MI is indeed like a full time job, perhaps you could find a few smaller jobs to do? like part time work somewhere quiet, or volunterr at the library? do dog walking, or pamphlet walks (the ones who walk around with 'junk mail')

    but yes work can become way too much at times.

    hows things today?

  25. Guest8901
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    1634 posts
    25 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Dear Emmy,

    Thanks for your reply. Ahhh, the restaurant makes sense. Lots of night work of course. Do you ever work in the restaurant in any capacity as well?

    My dog Charli is a mixed breed terrier, only a very lightly built little thing, but gutsy as they come. She is a female however, Charli being the feminine form of the Charlie name. She is a very dear sweet little girl. The best companion you could ever hope for.

    Thanks for the explanation of what avpd is, it gives a clear picture of what it is that you contend with on a daily basis.

    Yes I really liked Hawaii, and I'm pleased to hear that you will be going back again this September.

    I saw your post to my thread yesterday and I thank you for taking the time to read and post there. I very much appreciate it.

    I read the poem you posted yesterday for Startingnew. Its so true and very powerful. I'm really sorry SN for the pain you continue to feel for the loss of your Nan. And Emmy, for the loss of your Mum. I too have lost very important people in my life, and they have both been young. Way too young, and the pain of their loss never really stops.

    Emmy, I will just touch briefly on something you said to Grandy - And now when I have found the love of my life he gets the broken version of me. Firstly I think its wonderful that despite all your difficulties, you still managed to find the love of your life. And secondly, where you consider yourself to be a broken version of yourself, your husband obviously loves you for who you are. Your past difficulties and traumas have contributed to you being the person you now are. And that person is clearly a very lovable and loving one. Not broken at all, but a very feeling sensitive and precious woman. Please do not continue to think of yourself as broken. Your husband clearly does not.

    I hope you've had a good day today?

    Mandy

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    25 April 2018

    13 years ago today I stood at Anzac Cove in Gallipoli, Turkey.

    Tonight I’m in tears cause I have to leave the house tomorrow, alone, and see my GP.

    Where did it all go wrong.

    3 people found this helpful
  27. Ggrand
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    26 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Awe Emmy,

    Im so sorry sweetheart, I know how your feeling.

    Try to sleep tonight, maybe put a soft instrumental on with earphones in, without sleep tomorrow will escalate so much.

    You can do it, breath deep in then out, keep doing this counting as your breathing. I so wish I could go with you tomorrow..

    What time is your appointment tomorrow? Please can you tell your Gp just how hard you struggle to get out by yourself.

    Can your dr call in to see you at all, mine did once when it was an important appointment and I couldn't get out my door.. Sending you huge hugs 🤗🤗🤗, I know not the same but if you close your eyes and concerntrate you can feel them..

    My heart goes out to Emmy, because I've been there and still am..but believe in yourself sweetheart, you can do it..i have faith in you, you are stronger then you think 💜.

    kind and caring thoughts,

    Grandy.

    ps I'll sit with you tonight if that's okay and I'll hold your hand, tomorrow..

    2 people found this helpful
  28. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    6176 posts
    26 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Emmy,

    I don't think that question ever has an answer. And looking back, if I did know, what could I do now? What could I change? Would it change where I am now? For me the list of questions become endless.

    I am also going to see my GP tomorrow - alone, but I recall it more difficult for you? Sending you courage and strength and determination. We can tell each other how it went.

    I read your earlier post about the support your husband gives. It was refreshing, touching, sad and every other emotions all in one. Most importantly, it is true. And it reminded me of my wedding vows also. This next part is really writing for myself, but it takes a MI to show me the amount of support I actually have. Of people who care. I never really knew what I had til I saw the GP the first time, except that I could not manage it alone.

    Maybe we should say to our partners in the morning "l love you" and at the end of the day. To remind ourselves that others love us also.

    Peace and calm thoughts.

    Smallwolf

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    26 April 2018 in reply to Ggrand

    Thanks Grandy. Think I’ll diffuse some essential oils and listen to music like you suggested. I hate the doctors the most I start hyperventilating when I get there and that’s when I’m with my husband. Have to remind myself “I want to get better. And the doctor wants me better.” Appointment is 11.45am. Doctors one hour drive away (one way) from home so I have to go to him. I’ve seen him since I was 8 and the doctors in the new area I live in just aren’t as thorough as him. Thanks for being here. Feel bad I’ve not been here tonight for anyone else (selfish of me).

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3268 posts
    26 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    No Emmy it's not selfish, not at all!! You are so allowed to have time for yourself - it's healthy to do so. None of us are on here 24/7, nor should we be

    Obviously I can't be with you for you're appointment, I would volunteer in a second though...rest assured I will be thinking or you and sending good thoughts to you and am interested to hear how you went (only when you are really to talk about it though!)

    Try your best to relax and sleep, go to your happy place if that helps and allow yourself to daydream happy thoughts.

    Good luck, but you won't need it :)

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