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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

Topic: I Choose To Survive (Battling anxiety, depression & avpd)

  1. Sapphire*
    Sapphire* avatar
    309 posts
    29 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Sorry to see you had a rough day too. Its hard when you dont know what your triggers are. Im still figuring mine out too. I hope your feeling better now and have a better day tomorrow.

    Xx

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Chloe_M
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    30 April 2018 in reply to Music_Freak

    Wow Emmy did you write this?? It's insane, I love it. It's beautiful really. And I can relate to it as well...

    how are you today?

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  3. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    30 April 2018 in reply to Chloe_M

    Yep I wrote the poem. Enjoy writing as an outlet. My psychiatrist says I’m not to as they’re too dark - oops. Oh well.

  4. startingnew
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    30 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    HI Emmy

    ive just been catching up on here, it sounds like youve been having a rough time too. i wish i had a magic wand so i could help everyone and rid of their mh issues. i loved reading your poem. your very talanted. writings a great outlet for me too.

    how are you going today?

  5. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    30 April 2018
    Does anyone else battle with excoriation disorder (dermatillomania)?
  6. Ggrand
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    30 April 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hello Emmy,

    Sorry I haven't been in to visit you for a while, I haven't been well with a cold, but that's changing now yay..cold dissapearing and I'm feeling better..

    I used to battle dermatilliomanial, a year back, I'd be at my skin constantly when my anxiety was high, I didnt even realise I was doing it..ended up with an infection that helped me to stop.. I stopped doing it with with a lot of concerntration, but I changed that habit to rubbing and twisting my hands when I talk to people, I suppose it's better the hands instead of the mess my skin got into..

    Warm hugs,

    Grandy..

  7. Chloe_M
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    1 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Nope I don't sorry Em, I'm actually undiagnosed but seeing the gp next Monday

    How are you feeling today?

    hugs 🤗❤️ Chloe

  8. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    1 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hello Emmy

    I have not met you before on the forum so want to say hello. It's amazing how someone can write as many posts as you have and I have not 'seen' you. I gather you started a post elsewhere but I have not seen it. Can you you tell me which forum it is in and the thread title.

    I have not read all your post, first and second page, as I wanted to reply to you. I see you have similar interests to me. I am a member of a book club. Have been for about 15 years. I also embroider. Some of it is counted cross stitch and some the more conventional embroidery. Many years ago I embroidered a four foot square tablecloth with a map of Australia. Never used it on the table and instead have it hanging on the wall. I like many crafts and sometimes get frustrated that I cannot do them all at once. I also knit and found lots of pleasure knitting for my family.

    I see you have a very low opinion of yourself. Not having read your earlier post I am unaware of why you feel like this. It is of course the depression that makes you feel like this and the depression that stops you seeing yourself as other see you. The Black Dog has a lot to answer for. I have said this many times about my thoughts on the dog. Your job is to teach it some manners. Teach it to walk at heel and not bark all the time. This barking stops you hearing the voices of those who care for you.

    I know it's frustrating that others do not understand depression and why you are so dispirited at times. It is a hard concept and often only understand by those who have been there. How long have you been seeing your two psychs? I am surprised they think you not strong enough to look at some of your past. I most certainly acknowledge I am not an expert in this field. In my journey I have found the wonderfulness (is that a word?) of laying a ghost to rest. Yes it has been painful and it is only one of many but oh how fantastic to know the whys and wherefores.

    For me the important part has been to understand how my past has impeded my present and potentially my future. I have a fairly low opinion of myself and I find I hide behind it at times. It has taken a long struggle to even think about somethings because it has meant getting past the emotion and that is so uncomfortable, well painful really. We get led astray by our emotions and the dog joins in to further confuse us and leave muddy paw prints all over.

    I hope to continue chatting with you if this is OK with you.

    Mary

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  9. Music_Freak
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    3263 posts
    1 May 2018 in reply to Chloe_M

    I had to google what it was but, yeah, I kind of think I do. I've always picked, I always thought it was a form of self harm with me. Not diagnosed, just thinking it's maybe yet another flaw of mine...

    Anyway, I get where your psychiatrist is coming from about your writing being too dark in a way, like by doing it you're staying in/comfortable with the darkness/dark mood. But I also think if you have to get it out onto paper, do it.

  10. startingnew
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    1 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    HI Emmy

    i did have to look it up, im undiagnosed however its something i do constantly. i was told its a subconscious reaction so often i dont know im doing it until someone points it out or i scratch to much or something draws my attention to that spot.

    how are things going for you today?

  11. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5880 posts
    1 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Emmy,

    Another dark, scary, shocking but "good" poem - if I can say that. There are things in your poem that I can relate to, which I will come to in a minute. I was wondering, however, whether you find writing poetry as a release of negative emotions? That once written and out there, you feel a little (even if 0.25%) better about yourself? Rather than using a journal you use poetry? But again Wow!

    (You don't need to answer the above questions unless you want to.)

    Here is how I relate to your poem (even though it relates to a 'she')... Outwardly I appear normal. That might be the mask we are all wearing. As you might recall, I started anti-depressants recently and this resulted in suicidal thoughts (which I did bring up with the GP) initially in dreams. These thoughts have very much dissipated, but the dream are still vividly etched in my mind. My wife and family know "of" the dreams (or nightmares) but I won't go into the detail. Too much information there for them to cope with and/or worry over. And so we play this game. At the same time we are both healthy, and yet unhealthy. Outwardly looking we are healthy. Inwardly, we are not.Out of genuine concern for our loved ones, we play this game.

    I trust the 2nd last stanza is more of a symbolic action, if only because another verse follows. As I think there is a small element of hope in the final stanza through a cry for help in looking past the disguise.

    I just had a thought, and you don't have to take me up on this... earlier in your story, you had a post about reasons to live etc. Could you write a poem based on that? And if not, no big deal. I have a work search game in visual hope box. The words that I have to find are only positive words, like yes, whole, nurture, truth, amity. It takes about 3 (or 4) puzzles for me to get out of that really low space, by doing a activity with only positive words. You have a knack and style of the writing i can appreciate. And this is only a suggestion, and nothing more.

  12. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    1 May 2018

    Thanks everyone for your messages ❤️

    Grandy - no apologies necessary hun. I’m glad you’re feeling! Re dermatillomania... I never even knew there was a name for it. My husband made me tell my psychiatrist a while ago and he put me onto an antipsychotic medication and told me it was a form of self harm. I don’t believe it is. Anyway I’ve been doing it a lot lately (all in areas where my husband can’t see). I don’t want to tell him though cause he will make me tell my psychiatrist and that medication was no good for me. I’d have the worst psychotic dreams on them - things i wouldn’t even be able to imagine unless in my dreams. And they cost like $170 per script. Anyway just wanted to see how others have gotten through it. Basically it’s a way to punish my body. I’m told that I disassociate while doing it too. Don’t really understand that (if anyone can explain that’d be great). Xx

    Chloe - thanks for the hugs. Sending some right back to you. Today I’m doing ok :) hubbys day off work so that’s always good. How are you feeling about Monday? Hope you’re having a nice day. Xx

    Mary - nice to meet you. Thanks for stopping by my thread. This is my only thread on the forum, I had a break for a while and have just come back. I asked for my other thread to come down. But I find I’m need a safe place to talk again. Needing some support. Would love to join a book club and get into embroidery. Have found both options nearby but I have no confidence in myself to go, and don’t really like leaving my house. Your map of Australia sounds amazing!! Love that it’s become a wall hanging. My anxiety came first, something I’ve always battled with I think. Wasn’t diagnosed till 2013 and the depression came as a result of the anxiety. Have avpd also - joyous lol. I was put down a lot by my mother, and then something happened in my teenage years by two men and it all accumulates to me having no self worth, no confidence, fear of rejection & abandoment. I always feel like I’m not good enough. And I hate who I am. REALLY hate who I am. I like how you talk about “the Black dog” and teaching it some lessons. I’ve been seeing a psychologist since 2013 & psychiatrist since 2016. My psychologist wanted me to start EMDR but my psychiatrist said no because i disassociate a lot. Do you think I should be stronger by now? I hope you don’t think it’s strange I’ve not made better progress.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    1 May 2018

    Narelle - my psychiatrist told me it’s a form of self harm. I didn’t believe him. Still don’t in a way. Anyway it’s back which isn’t good. Probably never really went away if I’m being honest. I’ve done it for year plus other forms too. I probably should tell him.

    SN - I do it too without realising :( todays been ok. Quiet day at home.

    Smallwolf - thanks for saying the poem is good. I think in a way the poems do feel a little bit like a way to purge. But I’ve been told not to do it unfortunately. Too dark and some of them (which I don’t feel comfortable sharing) are about past traumas which my psychiatrist doesn’t want me working on just yet. Which I’m starting to over analyse why they still don’t think I’m strong enough. Maybe I’m stupid and not getting what they’re teaching me. I should try to do a more positive poem, perhaps about why I choose to survive this. Thanks for the suggestion.

  14. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    2 May 2018

    Off to psychiatrist today ...feeling anxious. Don’t want to tell him about the dermatillomania. Just feeling really down today too. Over life.

  15. Chloe_M
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    836 posts
    2 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hi Em, hope all goes well with the psych appt. You mentioned having dermatillomania. Do you pull out your hair strand by strand when you are depressed as well? I do, but i don't pick my skin, was just wondering if they're related.

    I'm over life too, but don't worry. I'm sitting next to you at your psych appt. holding your hand xx

    take care

    Chloe xox

  16. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    2 May 2018 in reply to Chloe_M

    Consider me the third member of the over life squad...maybe we need a cheer or something?!

    Good luck with the psych Emmy, I'll be thinking of you. Be honest with them...they're there to help

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    2 May 2018 in reply to Chloe_M
    Aaaww thanks Chloe.  Thanks for holding my hand. I’m at the hospital now waiting to see him. I have brought a squinkie toy with me to hold onto. Lol. Sorry you’re not having a good run at the moment. How’s school been? You on lunch?? Xx
  18. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    2 May 2018 in reply to Music_Freak

    A cheer sounds good lol 🤣

    Just feel as though I should be “better” by now.

  19. Music_Freak
    Music_Freak avatar
    3263 posts
    2 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.
    Me too Emmy...I doubt we're the only ones to think that here either :)
  20. Chloe_M
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    2 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hi Em,

    Yeah am quite stressed atm, was pulling in science but nobody noticed and told me to stop because all my friends are away. I was on lunch, am in history now and I've finished all my work so...

    How was the appt?

    Chloe x

  21. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    2 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hello Emmy

    First off I must apologise for giving you the impression that you should have made better progress. It really was not my intention and certainly I am not qualified to make that kind of suggestion. I went to a psychiatrist for seven years and felt I was no nearer being well than before I met him. It's true I was very suicidal and that dissipated over time but there was no sense of sorting myself out, understanding what was happening and little idea of what was wrong. Oh yes I had a diagnosis but I have come to believe they are pointless. Someone who is diagnosed with X is immediately stuck with all the symptoms listed for X in DSM V. This is not necessarily so. It is then disheartening to try and get over some symptoms accredited to you but which in reality do not apply. Stupid.

    My GP managed my MH and I was far better with her. I felt I could talk about anything and she was not judgemental. These are important characteristics when you have a MH problem. A few years ago she referred me to another psychiatrist and I have learned and absorbed so much and a bit cranky I did not have this treatment with the other psych.

    It's nice you have found a book club. What do you find difficult about joining? At first I was a bit shy about giving my opinion. It was easier for me as I was invited to a book club with people I already knew. Starting totally from scratch is much harder. Can you contact the person who runs the group and perhaps meet with her for a chat about how the book club works. All groups have different ways of operating. This person can then introduce you to the group and it is more comfortable.

    Can you sew? I learned embroidery at school and I simply sewed when I felt like it. I tried different types of embroidery such as cross stitch which I had not come across. Because I had a good basis I was able to teach myself with no problems. If you join a group you will find they will help you if you get stuck. I expect they will talk a lot which means you can listen without comment. If you can already sew, complete something small at home and then join the group. As before, see who you can contact and talk it over.

    Our past experiences have a huge influence on our present lives and we often do not realise how far that extends. When you feel like it ask one or other of your psychs to start talking about it. Find a small area to discuss. Do you have any pets? How would you feel about having a dog? Lots of pluses there. Write more later.

    Mary

  22. Ggrand
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    2 May 2018 in reply to White Rose

    Hello Emmy,

    Just popping in to wish you luck, probably to late to say to you with a lot of warmth and care for you..Please be open and honest with your psych..I'm only saying this because they cannot help you properly if The don't know everything your feeling, thinking or going through... Good luck🐿..

    Grandy..

  23. startingnew
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    2 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    HI Emmy

    i imagine your feeling pretty tired and drained after your psychiatrist but i hope it was helpful and you felt comfortable talking to him as well. sitting with you, offerring a shoulder to lean against and a hand to hold.

    hugs xoxoxo

  24. Chloe_M
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    3 May 2018 in reply to startingnew

    Hi Em, hope you're feeling okay xx

    ❤️

  25. Music_Freak
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    3263 posts
    3 May 2018 in reply to Chloe_M

    Hi Emmy,

    Just popping in to say hi since you haven't been around for a bit. And to add that I hope you're feeling OK and the psychiatrist session wasn't too rough for you :)

  26. Emmy.
    Emmy. avatar
    1870 posts
    3 May 2018

    Hi everyone.

    So sorry I’ve not been around. Still feeling exhausted from yesterday’s session with my psychiatrist. I’ll hopefully reply to everyone’s messages later tonight.

    Going out for a family dinner tonight. Should be nice.

    Hope you’re all doing ok. I’ll pop into everyone’s threads before I go out.

    Love & big hugs to all. Xx

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Ggrand
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    9346 posts
    3 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hello Emmy,

    Just rest and relax before your family dinner tonight. I know after my psych appointment, My emotions are exhausted, I go down and am quiet..So please take care of you first..

    I really hope you have a good time tonight...

    caring hugs..🤗🤗

    Grandy..

  28. Guest8901
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    Guest8901 avatar
    1634 posts
    3 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    I understand your exhaustion from psych sessions Ems, so no problem for not being around subsequent to that.

    Enjoy the family dinner.

    Amanda

  29. startingnew
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    5860 posts
    3 May 2018 in reply to Emmy.

    Hi Emmy

    No pressure to write when your not up for it. i hope you have a good night out xox

  30. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5880 posts
    3 May 2018 in reply to startingnew

    Hi Emmy,

    Hope you have a wonderful dinner. Is it like a reward after your psych session?

    Smallwolf

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