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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

Topic: I don't know what to do - a mess of a situation

  1. Aaronsis
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    27 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    Happy Wednesday indeed, but a kind of hectic one but hey, Home and Away is on so life is good..lol...yep sad I know..

    Just thinking about what you said about how "she had every reason to feel secure with me"..she felt secure, that is the horrible point that she felt so secure that you were not going anywhere that she could treat you so poorly and manipulate so as every fight was your fault and left you begging for forgiveness, that is why it has come as such a shock and is so painful to her as not only have you left her when she never thought you had the courage to but you are also doing just fine too, that will be a double wammy for her as she probably truly believed you would not ever be able to be without her.....now she is left with not only pain but humiliation too.

    I am so terribly sorry that you had such low self esteem that you actually could not look at people and had to sought counselling and self help books to manage it, I am so glad you did but relationships are just not supposed to be like that. I am sure she is really surprising you at the moment with her sweetness but you are so right in that she is only seeing you in short bursts so it is easy to maintain.

    Not "should I ever enter a new relationship"....more like WHEN you meet a new person as to whom you would like to start a relationship with, and yes...you will be so much more intune with you and how you are feeling, which in turn makes for a better relationship, so all in all it is just positive.

    I am not suggesting the lighthouse keeper was a cop out, just that we always want what we haven't got,,human nature, and we don't always see how great we are or how good life really is. You will look back on this time in the future and really be able to fully appreciate how much you have learnt and grown, that is never a mistake.

    Enjoy your run, the fresh air will be wonderful and the freedom of running.

    Hugs Aaron

    Sarah

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  2. rhinoceros
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    28 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    It's not sad! We all have our guilty pleasures. I personally love watching "The Office" or "Peep Show". A great way to wind down after a hectic day. Sometimes we need some light TV viewing where you don't necessarily have to think too hard, but rather just be entertained.

    It certainly is a double whammy for my ex. I hadn't really considered the humiliation part of it,you're so right. It makes me feel bad for her. I would never mean to cause her humiliation. That said, she wasn't afraid to belittle me and make me feel really humiliated earlier on in the relationship. I suspect her lack of empathy was a big factor there.

    I'm the opposite - I'm always worried about how my actions or behaviour affect other people. Honestly I thought I wouldn't be able to go on without her - I was dependent on this out-of-balance relationship, it gave me purpose in a strange way. Being a pseudo-carer occupied all my time and I just accepted that's how life is.

    The low self esteem really was a drag. It still is, but it's getting better with time. The counselling and self help books were of great help, and partially responsible for me realising the relationship was actually abnormal. I only have had one relationship before this one, so I'm far from experienced, I really had no idea of what was or wasn't normal.

    I'm enjoying the fact my ex is away in Brisbane at the moment. The space is good. I can focus on this theatre show I'm working in without all that baggage to deal with. I would love it if we could just be friends eventually. My biggest regret is waiting this long to leave her, I should have left the first time she yelled at me. Like I said, I had no idea what was or wasn't normal in a relationship... I really was very clueless!

    I went for a good run last night - also went for a quick drive. Opened the sunroof while listening to a Barry Manilow tape. All my troubles seemed miles away!

    Tonight I have a dress rehearsal at the theatre - it's going to be a really late night, but I'm sure it'll be lots of fun too.

    Have sent coffee-girl a message to see if she's free tomorrow too, was great seeing her last week, would be good to do it again.

    Hope you are going well and that you're having a good Thursday. :-)

    thank you for the hugs - sending hugs your way :-)

    Aaron

  3. Aaronsis
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    29 November 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hi Aaron

    Yep the old guilty pleasures, another one of mine is going to the massage places after work on a Friday for a neck and shoulder massage..ohh what do you know..it is Friday..lol

    I didn't mean to make you feel bad about perhaps suggesting that your ex feel humiliated, but if she was so very sure that you would never leave, the comfort in that and the arrogance that goes with it I am sure would be very shocking for her and humiliating as you have left. Not to make you feel bad but perhaps just to understand the feelings behind that comment about " I didn't think you had it in you..".

    I am so glad that you are working on your self esteem, it really takes some work to build up when you have been made to feel so worthless. You are doing so many things right thou and I can see that it is starting to build so very much, even just reaching out to coffee girl is awesome.

    Try not to have regrets, regret nothing it is all a lesson and look how much you have learnt, about yourself about relationships and about your ex, nothing is ever a waste. Maybe you weren't ready to receive the lesson yet that is why you didn't leave before.

    Hope your dress rehearsal went well, how exciting, getting very close to performance time. Great that you have the space to enjoy this and the weekend without the pressure of catching up or having to spend time with your ex.

    Ahh Barry Manilow in the car whilst driving, I could see the smile on your face while you were typing that...soul food, great to hear that you have that joy. Also the running, all really good things.

    Friday at last and the weekend is in sight...yay.....

    Hope today is going well for you.

    hugs

    Sarah

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  4. rhinoceros
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    29 November 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hello Sarah

    Yay for Friday! Are you getting a massage today? That would be a wonderful way to finish the week as well as a great start to the weekend.

    You're right about the confidence and arrogance. Outside of the relationship she actually doesn't really exhibit those traits, if anything she's actually very reserved. Only in the relationship do those traits make themselves known. It's great to be secure and comfortable in the relationship, but feeling like you can trample over the other person and know they're so worn down that they can't leave is wrong. I hadn't realised how bad it had become.

    It's good to see things a bit clearer now. For so long I had no idea what was going on. I just assumed it was because I was a terrible boyfriend that I was being treated the way I was. It made me feel like I was completely and utterly inadequate.

    Interesting day. I saw my other ex, my first girlfriend. She's recently engaged - we still talk and get along well. I'm really happy to hear things are going well for her. She's a very sweet, genuine person, and it's good to see she's happy. That made me feel good. We were together for over five years, I broke it off because she was wanting children and to get married, but at that time I was only 23 or so - I wasn't ready for those things. She basically wanted to start trying for kids in the next year or so... all a bit too soon for me.

    Sadly coffee-girl was busy today, but that's okay. I went to a guitar shop in the city during my lunch break. I didn't buy anything, but it's nice to have a look.

    This weekend should be fun (although busy). Lots of shows for that production, but I also have a car show on Sunday morning. I need to polish the Merc up and make sure it looks its best! It's a very big car to polish, I'll be exhausted afterwards. In between all that I'm hoping to fit a decent run in... I'll see how I go.

    Do you have any fun plans for the weekend? :-)

    Hope your Friday is treating you well!
    Aaron

  5. Aaronsis
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    2 December 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hi Aaron

    I hope that your production went well over the weekend, I was thinking of you and all the hard work and efforts you have put it, I am sure it was amazing! How was the car show? That sounds super fun too..I love the old cars and it would have been awesome to see them all together. You sure have had a lot on so hopefully you are feeling really good and having a bit of a break too from your ex will allow you to try to see what it might look like with some space between you both.

    I was so pleased to read that you are feeling like things seem to appear clearer to you and that is such a wonderful thing to start to experience, that you can see, that you can acknowledge and grow, really cool experience. I am happy that these things are starting to happen for you.

    I felt really ..I dont know...disappointed when you wrote that perhaps I am just a terrible boyfriend, I actually can't even see how that is possible to be honest, and I am not just saying that, from the time that we have communicated all I can see is a warm and caring, honest and selfless person who would do anything for his partner, include compromise his own feelings to put someone else's first, someone who is thoughtful and who is so very loving. Can I ask you to reflect on the relationship that you had previously, that albeit the want for children, was this a happy relationship? did you feel valued? I think this can help paint a picture too.

    Hopefully coffee girl is available to catch up with you at some point this week, I am so pleased that you have a good friend you can catch up with and make you smile, face to face is always really lovely.

    My weekend was full of kids sports and starting to do some Christmas shopping...that crazy time of year...I am heading off to Cooma to be with my dad for a few days at the end of the week so I am really looking forward to that.

    Monday again...meh x 2..lol

    Chat soon

    Sarah xx

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  6. rhinoceros
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    3 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    The show went well - it was exhausting but a lot of fun! The music was pretty challenging at times, but by the last show I was pretty sure I nailed it all haha!

    The car show was really fun - it's so much fun bringing my old car out, and getting to see all these other beautiful old cars. There was all sorts of nice cars there, beautiful old Fords and Holdens, but quite a few more exotic cars like old Lancias, Ferraris and even a Bentley. It's nice brining my old Merc because in a strange way I feel like I can share it with other people, even if one person gets a kick out having a squiz at it, that makes my day.

    It was a frantic weekend for sure, but fun! Space away from my ex was good. Honestly I think we're just better suited to being friends. It's probably what we should have been all along.

    I guess regarding feeling like a terrible boyfriend; I guess her behaviour towards me made me feel that way. It was a way of making sense of why she was so unhappy all the time. She was mostly unhappy/grumpy in general, and had really no interest in me in any romantic way. It was the only way I could rationalise all that. When we had issues with intimacy she made it very clear she's never had any problems with anyone before me. I figured her ex boyfriends must have been more rich/successful/better in every way than me. Once I digested all that the only thing that made sense to me was that I must be a hopeless boyfriend.

    I've always treated my ex the way I would like to be treated by her if that makes sense.

    To be perfectly frank my previous relationship was better. I felt loved and valued. The problem really was that we were both too young - well at least I was. We were only 18 when we got together. We both grew up in different directions, when you're only 18 you have so much growing up to do still.

    Coffee girl was busy last week but I'll try again for this week.

    I haven't done ANY X-mas shopping yet... argh!

    Cooma sounds interesting! Spending time with Dad will be nice. It's so good to spent time with family. As I get older I appreciate spending time with my family more and more.

    Monday was meh indeed haha!

    Hopefully Tuesday will be a bit less meh :-)

    Aaron

  7. Aaronsis
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    3 December 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    Wow, you had a huge weekend, need to come back to work for a rest..lol. I am so glad that you had a great time at the car show and can get a thrill when people appreciate your car and love it like you do, that is really cool.

    I am sure you nailed more than just the last show, you sound like you are a pretty talented muso so I am sure you nailed all of it....

    How are you feeling with the physical distance between you and your ex, I see you say you are better off as friends and it is great you can identify that too. How is she feeling with the physical distance? This time apart is probably the most "broken up" you have probably felt and just wondering how it is feeling for you?

    I am glad you were able to reflect on your previous relationship and see that it was better, sure the circumstances were sad that the pressure of a family and wedding etc was daunting and not for you yet but I am so happy to hear that you have had the feeling of being an equal and that one is not controlling the other. That you have felt loved and valued, that is the point of a relationship, to make you feel good not bad.

    Off to Cooma tomorrow night, then the whole school speech thing...I will be crapping myself but anyhoo, I will just breathe and get on with it.....I am really looking forward to hanging out with my dad and my kids are coming too, will be some lovely family time. He has a pretty dry sense of humour like me so we gag alot...I love that. I also love for my kids to spend time with the older generation and get some tips on life.

    Yes CHRISTMAS...it is getting so darn close..I have two presents..arrgghhhh...

    Wednesday already tomorrow...office cake day.....

    Cheers

    Sarah xxx

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  8. rhinoceros
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    4 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    It was a huge weekend! So busy. Thankfully this week I only have one gig - although there's a weekly jam session that happens tonight that I'm considering going to, just for a social thing. Might be fun. I'll see how I feel later this afternoon, depends how tired I get at work!

    The physical distance with my ex and I is good for me. I don't think she like it so much though. She's gone from being completely dependant on me to having to fend for herself. That adjustment takes time. I feel like I have a lot more freedom in general. After work I can go to the gym, or go for a drive, head out to a jam session even. Before, I didn't feel like I really could do those things. It was a case of get home, make dinner, do dishes, watch garbage TV and go to sleep ad nauseum. For my ex, she loved that routine - however it's not really my thing.

    For a while I was getting up early on the weekends to go for a run. She basically said I'm not allowed to do that, as it would wake her. I was getting up at about 7:30 or so- so it wasn't crazy early or anything. I had to basically stay perfectly still/quiet until she eventually woke up. She used to really get angry if her sleep was interrupted for any reason.

    Not having to deal with that kind of thing is really liberating. I still miss her of course, but I don't miss that controlling environment / dynamic that existed. It's nice to do my own thing and not feel like I have to answer for myself all the time. I really forgot what that feels like.

    With my first girlfriend, it was one of those cases where we both were wanting different things at that time. Aside from that it was a good relationship. It didn't feel like hard work like my most recent one did. We're still good friends, I'm really lucky in that regard. She's recently engaged actually, I'm really happy for her.

    Speech night! That's nerve-wracking. Time with your Dad in Cooma will be nice though. I love a good dry sense of humour. It's great to have a laugh. I'm sure the kids will soak up some wisdom from the older generation. I was like a sponge when I was a kid , just soaked up whatever was around me haha!

    I so far have ZERO presents - this situation needs to be addressed STAT!

    Office cake day sounds great! Wish we had that here. I do have a stash of Oreos in my drawer... I might raid that stash later this afternoon... :-)

    Aaron

  9. Aaronsis
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    5 December 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    Just a short note to let you know I am here still and hope you have a great weekend.

    Just got home from the speech day which went really well,emotional but it went really well. There was a really cool part of the day in that Stuart Diver was one of the dignitaries, he was in the Threadbo disaster of 1997.

    It was a pretty emotional day but just about to teach my son how to drive....lol..so that will be interesting. Then we are off to do some Christmas decorations.

    Hope you have a great weekend and chat some more next week.

    ..and yes..you better get cracking with that Christmas shopping..lol

    Hugs

    Sarah

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  10. rhinoceros
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    9 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Thank you for the nice message :-) It must be a pretty hectic time for you! Glad to hear the speech day went well. Teaching you son to drive! Now that sounds interesting! It's one of those fairly stressful things at times, hopefully it goes well :-)

    I remember my first driving lessons - mum and dad taught me. They did a great job - were really patient with me. Is your son learning in a manual? That can be funny at times , especially all the bunny-hopping and stalling!

    This weekend was really busy, kind of draining at times. I had a couple of rehearsals, they're generally fun and a nice social activity, but at times can be tiring! I did see my ex - that was okay, she's doing fine - she had a job interview last week, it went well. In other ways she isn't doing all that well - her kitchen was full of dirty dishes and judging by the ants etc. they've been there a while... not god at all. It was nice to check in, but I do find I feel very exhausted afterwards.I need to make more space between us. I've not been very good at suppressing that carer's instinct to be honest.

    We had beautiful weather yesterday, would have been perfect for a cruise in the Mercedes but unfortunately it's at the mechanics - needs a few bits and pieces done. There's always something to do with these old cars. Hopefully it'll be ready to go for next weekend :-)

    Hope you had a safe trip to Cooma :-)

    Aaron

    xx

  11. Aaronsis
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    9 December 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    Well here we are at Monday again, lol, they just seem to come around so quickly.

    You sound like you had a pretty busy weekend too with rehearsals and with your music, is so great you have that as part of your life and that you are good at it, I would love to be that musically talented.

    Not so great to hear that your ex appears not to be in a great space, yes the dishes and the state of the house does sometimes reveal more that what people verbally say so that is so good of you to pick that up and notice. Did you mention anything to her about it? How did the rest of the house seem? It is a good sign though that she has been going for jobs and that the interview seemed to go well, perhaps she is ok and just hadn't got to them yet, ants can come pretty quickly...but if you are concerned you can just ask her if she needs some help, not that you should be doing it, but you can ask her if she is coping with the jobs around the house and with daily things in general that need doing? If she says she is not coping with that then perhaps you can suggest she put a call in to a friend or to a family member, I know you said she doesn't have many people, but I just don't want you to be in a position to do it as I know you will feel like you have to help her if she says she needs assistance. Perhaps this is a conversation for over the phone so you are not physically there and are compelled to do it for her.

    You are doing so well Aaron and have come so far, please don't feel like things like being her carer and worrying about her are bad or things you should just get over in a day, this sort of stuff takes time and you are doing so well, especially seeing this is a pretty tough one to manage too. I am so very proud of you.

    I actually saw an old Merc today as I dropped the kids off at school, and it was gold too...I did think of you in your car cruzin down the road with your old tunes on...lol...not long and it will be back on the road and you can enjoy the beautiful weather and the summer in your car.

    Time to get my act into gear and get some Christmas shopping done...yep I will be still saying this on December 24..I just know it...grrr...

    Have a great night.

    Cheers
    Sarah

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  12. rhinoceros
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    10 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    I know - Mondays are relentless... argh, every time we get rid of them they're back again! It was really busy weekend for sure, probably a bit too busy, it would be nice to be less tired all the time! That said it's a great outlet and in a strange way a good form of self-therapy if that makes sense.

    I didn't mention anything much about the ants etc. She did mention that she hasn't had a chance to do any dishes for a while. We all let things slip a bit at times, and I've seen her kitchen get to that state in the past, it still made me worry a bit. If I do talk to her about that, I definitely would prefer doing it over the phone - the last thing I need is to become her cleaner! I can barely keep on top of my own cleaning/washing!

    She isn't very good at keeping her house tidy etc. at the best of times, so I should try not to stress. Her mum is actually a hoarder, she has a fairly serious problem with that. I suspect my ex has inherited parts of that.

    I think regarding the carer thing, it's a source of frustration I guess... I try hard to be assertive and try not to let that instinct get the better of me, but it's so hard. I'm kind of glad that I have that level of empathy, but at the same time I wish I could turn it off for a while just to get a break. Some people are the total opposite, they're narcissists... I'd rather be stressing about everyone elses problems than be that!!!

    Right now the stress of this mess is getting to me a bit, that combined with too many late nights gigging is a recipe for trouble! Unfortunately I have a gig this evening, but thankfully it finishes fairly early, so hopefully I can get some much needed rest.

    Yes hopefully not too long before I can cruise around again! We've had such nice weather over the last couple days, it's a shame not to be taking advantage of it. Hoping to go for a nice drive on the weekend if it's ready by then.

    I'm planning on getting some Christmas shopping done this weekend... the soon its done, the better!! I'm terrible at buying gifts for people too, it's such an agonising time !

    Hope you've had a wonderful Tuesday

    Aaron

  13. Aaronsis
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    11 December 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    It is actually really funny (well not funny haha) that you mentioned in your post that "Right now the stress of the mess is getting to me a bit"...I was actually thinking yesterday of saying to you to look at the title of your thread and to see how far you have come, and do you still view this as " I don't know what to do - mess of a situation"....I feel like you have pulled yourself so far out of the mess and now it is an "experience" that you are managing every day and that it is perhaps not a mess anymore but more of a situation that you are controlling and do have control over. Do you feel like that? Do you still see it as a mess that you don't know what to do?

    I am so glad that you know yourself in that too many late nights and too much gigging and music can make you a little emotional, I am so pleased that you are so very self aware and can identify that, that means you can manage it. I can say "get to bed early!"...lol....but you know that....

    I have to shoot off to Sydney on Friday as we are doing a tree plant at the University for my brother which will be beautiful and emotional and all that wrapped into one..my aunt will be there, she lives in America so it will be some wonderful family time that i am so looking forward to. We are going to have stones with conversation starters under the tree and it will be acting like a point where people can chat and talk to each other. So special.

    Christmas shopping...arrgghhh yep..haven't done that yet either...ah well...there is always the 24th...lol

    Hope you have a great Wednesday and yep..cake day here..whoo hoo

    Sarah xxxx

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  14. rhinoceros
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    12 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah :-)

    That's a great point - it's not so much of a mess any more. It's more just a series of hurdles and obstacles I suppose. I've pulled myself together as best I can, it's been a very interesting/strange time in a lot of ways! Right now my strategy is to take each day as it comes, that's really all I can do for now. I have a gig tonight, but before that I'm having dinner with my ex quickly just to catch up and check in.

    I'm actually weaning of AD medication at the moment, reduced my dose by a little bit yesterday. Feeling a bit second hand today as a result of that but after a week or so I start to feel a bit more normal again! On the bright side my Merc is back - last night I went for a nice night-time drive in it, was good fun. Had Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons blaring through the old tape player... I would have looked ridiculous but who cares ?! :-)

    Today we had a work lunch, it was nice to have a laugh with my colleagues outside of the office. They're really nice people and have been really supportive to me over the past few months. Had a couple of beers and now I feel a bit sleepy.

    Hoping for a fairly relaxed weekend, I think I'll try and tackle that Christmas shopping situation... get that under control finally...

    Hope you have a safe trip to Sydney. The tree plant is a beautiful thing, I'm sure it'll be hard in some ways too though. It's a lovely thing to do - it would be such a profoundly emotional time. It sounds like a lovely way to bring people together.

    Hope it goes okay and I'm here if you need to talk!

    Aaron

    xx

  15. Aaronsis
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    16 December 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Good Morning Aaron

    Happy Monday and also it is Christmas next week..can you believe it!!

    Hope that you had a great weekend, mine in Sydney was emotional and awesome at the same time. It was so beautiful to plant the tree for my brother and to see all his friends again and just feel the love they had/have for him. I wish he had only have known how much he was loved and how many hearts he touched, I hope he did know that. We then went and had a really beautiful lunch together as a family, my aunt and uncle are here from the States so it was just really lovely family time. My dad was so very emotional so that was really hard to see AGAIN..these are the times when I really have to dig deep and manage the anger feelings I still have from time to time for my brother doing "this" to my dad.

    I am so happy for you that you can see that you are not really in a "mess of a situation" anymore and that you do have a plan and that you have managed this journey so very well, as bloody hard as it has been for you. It really is a credit to you and you have come so far you really have.

    How is the weaning off the meds going? It is a bit of a journey too, but I am glad it is not too taxing on you and that you are feeling like you are going well without them.

    Yay for the Merc being back, I am sure you got out and about in it over the weekend, we had some nice weather here so hopefully you did too.

    I agree with you about the work lunch thing, it is nice when you have an awesome bunch of people who you work with, my two best friends in life I have found here at work and they are my rocks,they go through all my dramas with me and are there for me to cry and laugh with. I would be lost without them.

    Hopefully you have managed to get that Christmas shopping under way..I did some shopping at the airport while I was waiting for my flight..two birds...one stone..lol

    Thanks so very much for your support and offering to be here for me, although we have never met I enjoy chatting to you and consider you a friend too.

    Have a great day.

    Sarah xxxx

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  16. rhinoceros
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    16 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah!

    Welcome back :-). So glad the time in Sydney was good. It would have been a bit of an emotional roller-coaster I'm sure. Having everyone together like that again would have been special. Sounds like your brother was very much loved by those around him. Often people when they're in such a dark place mentally stop seeing that. Sorry to hear about your dad, it would be so hard for him - I can completely appreciate the feelings of anger arising, it would be hard to see him hurting like that.

    Weaning off the meds is a bit of a drag but I'm doing okay. Feeling a bit strange but it will pass soon enough.

    After Christmas I am going to tell my ex that I can't keep seeing her. I kept seeing her with the hope we could work through some issues and potentially start anew, however I know deep down that will never happen. This weekend was draining. She's having issues at work but she's dumping the burden of that on me. It's that feeling of being a carer coming back again and I don't want that any more. Keeping on seeing her like I am is preventing me from being able to move on and get my own life together.

    She is a good person, I've given this relationship every possible chance, but it's ultimately not what I want. When I saw her on Saturday I arrived in a good mood but within minutes I felt miserable. Some people are just so negative, they inadvertently suck the joy out of things.

    Took the Merc for a good spin over the weekend - very nice to have it back again and it's running better than ever now. Hopefully no further tinkering required for a while :-).

    Starting my Christmas shopping this week! Leaving it to the last minute as usual!

    I like talking to you too Sarah - you're a wonderful friend :-)

    Aaron

    xx

  17. Aaronsis
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    17 December 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    You really made my day yesterday, there were so many great things in one message I actually jumped up of the chair and yelled "YES"...hahaha...you have come so bloody far and I am so bloody proud of you!

    Sydney was great and I will have that time in my heart forever, my Aunt and Uncle will be here until the 3rd of Jan so lots more family time to be had. Glad that the weaning off the meds is being kind to you and that you are feeling ok, strange is ok as long as you can just watch it from a distance and see that it stays good.

    I am so very proud of you for making a decision to call it a day with your ex after Christmas, she is a good person and so are you, but this is about what is good for your mental health and how you are feeling and you have acknowledged that it is taking the life out of you and draining you to the point of being able to move on with your life. I am so happy you have come to see that and that you will address it. You have so many good things in your life and you can start to enjoy them, build on some new things that make you happy and start the new look Aaron, how exciting for you. You don't need to be dumped on and you are no ones carer, except yours!

    You have given this MORE than anyone could ever ask of you and I think you can walk away with your head held high knowing you did everything and more to do the very best break up in history, I really mean that. You are so very caring and you really did go above and beyond with her.

    Great that you got to get back out in the Merc, it really is your happy place and I am glad that you have that.

    I had to laugh, Christmas shopping, Christmas Eve..I can see it now..frantic ..lol

    Thank you for saying I am a wonderful friend, I really value that coming from you.

    Have a wonderful day Aaron

    Sarah xxxx

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  18. rhinoceros
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    148 posts
    23 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Sorry for the delay in replying - it's been crazy the last few days- the lead up to Christmas is full on! Thank you so much for your lovely message! I'm glad that I made your day - I'm happy to have some clarity in my thinking and know what I want. A lot of that has come through your help, I'm so very grateful for your generosity!

    I'm so happy to hear Sydney was good. Family time is great, as I get older I appreciate family time more and more. The weaning off meds situation is going okay- has been a bit rougher than I had anticipated but the worst of it is over now. At the same time I've had lots of very late nights from gigging so I'm sure that hasn't helped.

    With my ex it's hard in that she's a good person, but at the same time she is such a negative person. When I stop and think about what we actually talk about, it's generally her complaining about things. She is always the victim, doesn't matter what the situation is... even if the problem was her fault... she approaches things from such a negative angle. That way of thinking is contagious, and the last thing I need!

    I've tried as hard as I could with her, I did my best - it's all that anyone can do. I still care about her and I hate the fact she will be hurting, but I'm hurting too and that's not really something I can sustain indefinitely.

    On the positive -I've done most of my Christmas shopping! Hooray! I have one last thing to get today and it's all done. What a relief. Looking forward to time with the family and hopefully a fairly relaxing time.

    Hope you're well and that your X-mas shopping has been successful :-)

    Aaron

  19. Aaronsis
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    23 December 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    Great to hear from you, no need to apologize, you are out living life and that is exactly what you should be doing!

    I am so glad to hear that you have some clarity, does it hurt any less, probably not but you are closing off the last part of the equation and that is surely not going to be easy, however, you have identified how crucial it is for you, and you are so very right, you have done all you could possibly to and give, so very much more.

    Great to hear that the weaning part is going well and that you are doing well in that space, I am sure that the late nights are not helping at all, but in saying that you are doing what you love so that probably has some benefits too. Hopefully you can get some rest over the holiday time, do you have much leave over Christmas?

    Yay for the Christmas shopping being done, I am done too, I just have some pre Christmas cooking to deal with now so that is not too bad. My aunt is american and she will be doing a whole massive turkey, she is the expert at that as they celebrate thanks giving and turkey is essential..so my kids are super excited about that, oh and the Mac n Cheese that she does...almost like a heart attack on a plate by OMG..sooo goood....I am not sure how our day will go, I am sure that there will be tears but I am hoping there will be laughs too, none the less there will be lots of love and family time. I hope that your day goes well and that you will have some awesome family time and spend the day with your loved ones..and get some good pressies!

    My son had his mates stay over on Friday night, wow...15 year old boys are kind of smelly..lol..they had a great time and did not sleep at all, but they are so interesting and I really don't remember boys being like that when I was 15, times sure have changed. They hug each other and take care of each other, don't get me wrong there was wrestling and running down the street at 11pm having races....wt...lol...I am just so glad he has found his crew, he has really struggled to make friends and it is so wonderful to see the kids he is hanging out with.

    Ok, off to try to get this work day over..half a day tomorrow then holidays..woooo hoooo

    Hope your Monday is great.

    Chat soon

    Sarah xxxxx

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  20. Aaronsis
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    25 December 2019

    Merry Christmas Aaron

    I hope that you have a wonderful day with your family and enjoy the festivities of the day.

    Merry Christmas!!

    Huge hugs as always

    Sarah xxx

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  21. rhinoceros
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    148 posts
    28 December 2019 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    I am so sorry I've been AWOL! Christmas time has been more hectic than I had anticipated. Hope you had a lovely Christmas :-). My Christmas was mostly quiet, just with my immediate family.

    Actually I had a pretty terrible boxing day- not in a really bad way, but just lots of bad luck! I went to check out some sales in the city, and when I went to pay for what I had bought, I realised I lost my bank card! But if that wasn't enough, I went to the car and it wouldn't start - fuel pump died! It's an old BMW, I love it, but I've had so many problems with it lately. I had to get towed out. So embarrassing! Anyway, will have a mechanic come round on Monday and hopefully get it mended soon. I can't even drive my Merc because the broken old BMW is in the way :-(. Thankfully I can use my mum's car.

    Have had to see my ex a bit lately, her mum is down visiting. She has serious mental health problems. It's sad but she's basically in a child-like daze. She is on a massive number of medications, physically she isn't very mobile. She lives like a hermit sadly. My ex isn't actually nice or patient with her. I know there's probably more to it, but on a surface level I find my ex's lack of compassion disturbing. I actually try to include her mum in conversation and engage with her because my ex won't.

    So that's been kind of challenging. Thankfully I've had most of today to myself. Went for a run this morning at the gym, aimed to do 10 kms but only did 4kms - I think all the Christmas food etc. has made me rather unfit!! I've entered another half marathon which is happening mid January, so I need to get my butt in gear!

    How has your holidays been? Did you take any leave? I'm back at work on the 2nd of January. Actually I'm looking forward to getting back- just for the routine if nothing else. There's something strangely comforting about being in a routine like that. Also, I really want to see coffee-girl again!

    Lot of hugs!!

    Aaron

    xxxx

  22. Aaronsis
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    28 December 2019 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    Great to hear from you..do not apologize for being AWOL..you are living your life..that is what you are supposed to be doing. WOW..Boxing day sounds like a debacle..but hey, at least you managed it and didn't fall in a heap and just put it down to life..I hope you have found your bank card though..grr how frustrating...and yay for your mum's car. It is frustrating when stuff like that happens ..and all on the same day.....but hey, you are soldiering on and that is great.

    My Christmas has been pretty much immediate family too, which has been great, so nice to have this time with my Aunt and Uncle who are here until the 3rd, so really great to just hang out with my dad, with them and with my grandmother, who is 89!...she is amazing tho..it is like she is 70!

    I am off to my friend's tonight for dinner as it is her birthday, get the kids back tomorrow and movies with them and dinner on Monday, Tuesday all the family here for dinner, Wednesday recover and Thursday back to work also...I too will be happy to have the routine back, although I have been enjoying just going at a slower pace.

    Good on you for getting out there and exercising...here is some news for you..ready...today is day one of me eating plant based only food. I watched game changers on Netflix and I really am not sure why after this we eat meat and dairy..oh dear...I feel like I am a preaching vegan on day 1....oopsss....

    That is really sad about your ex and her mother, to her defense I am not close with my mother either and it is hard when you are not close and they are suffering and you see them not doing what they can to help themselves..not sure this is the case with her but none the less it is so wonderful for you to spend some time with them and to try to make her feel like she has some worth and value which you ex may not be tapping into. I am sure this is all going to add to the complete picture that you are putting together of your ex and establishing the role she will play going forward in your life.

    Ohhh coffee girl hey..lol...that is really good that you have her as a friend and that you are obviously making a great connection...that is really great. So happy for you that you can see that you are able to be valued in a friendship with a woman and if this goes further with her, to see that there are good relationships to be had.

    Huge hugs Aaron, from your friend the vegan...lol

    Sarah xxx

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  23. Aaronsis
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    31 December 2019

    Happy New Year Aaron

    Hope 2020 is totally amazing for you filled with health, happiness and every best wish xx

    Happy New Year.

    Your friend Sarah xxx

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  24. rhinoceros
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    148 posts
    2 January 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Dear Sarah

    Happy New Year!!! Wishing you a wonderful 2020 :-)

    Yes Boxing day was a bit of a debarkle but getting my car fixed today - will be happy to have it fixed. Fingers crossed there will be no more problems! Thank goodness for Mum's car - she's in Queensland at the moment seeing her dad so the timing worked out really well. Sadly no bank card but that should be on its way soon I hope!

    Your grandmother sounds amazing! She must be really young at heart. That keeps people young. My grandfather was like that, he was in his mid/late late 80s but looked like he was closer to 75. Family time is so good, it would be nice spending time with your dad too. I'm sure he really appreciates it as well.

    Wow- you've gone Vegan! That's really cool. How is it going? I've tried going vegetarian but I didn't last very long before my carnivorous ways re-emerged. I'm not big on dairy, never have been actually - I always drink my coffee/tea black etc. I will check out that documentary - sounds really interesting.

    With my ex and her mum it's been a bit tough - I can totally see why my ex is frustrated. Her mum is really lazy and has no initiative at all, but at the same time I can't begin to imagine the chaos that is in her mind. My ex isn't the most patient person (bit of an understatement there).

    I can relate regarding your mum , I'm not close with my dad. It's hard when people won't help themselves. He tends to play the victim - everything is always someone else's fault!

    Bad news re coffee girl, turns out she is in a relationship. That's okay though, glad to have made a friend. Nice to know that I still can actually feel something towards other people, that in itself is really good to know and positive.

    Back at work today - arrrgh! But it's been fairly quiet at least :-)

    Hope you have a wonderful day

    Aaron

    xxx

  25. Aaronsis
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    2 January 2020 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    Look at us all back at work already for 2020...guess we have to come back one day..lol

    It has been some of the best few weeks with my family and with all the generations together, it is so cool and I really love that my kids can hang out with their great grandmother..she is the only living grandparent of mine now so it is really special. It has been good spending this time with my dad too, we get along so well and have lots of laughs (tears too), but it is so great.

    Bummer coffee girl has a partner but as you said, you have made a friend and that is so wonderful. You just don't know who is going to cross your path when you least expect it and that is so exciting to think about. Yes you can feel and you will feel love again but even more exciting, receive love as it is truly intended..when you do it will floor you...yay..so much good stuff to look forward to.

    It is quiet here today so have done so much personal stuff to get the year started, I am struggling writing the date thou..lol

    Yep Vegan..today is day 6 and I feel amazing, I have prepared well with the food side of things so have lots of options, and even the kids have really enjoyed some of the things I have been eating and they are trying..they are still eating meat as it will have to be their choice not to, I am not pushing anything there. I feel less tired and I feel less bloated, over all I feel amazing, not sure if it is psychosomatic but I will take it...

    Hope you are having a great day too..try writing the date...lol...02/01/2020...gee i could hardly even type that..mind blown..lol

    Huge hugs as always Aaron

    Sarah xxx

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  26. rhinoceros
    rhinoceros avatar
    148 posts
    3 January 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Yes being back at work is a bit of a drag but that's okay! I'm lucky to have colleagues I get along with really well, it makes the whole thing so much easier.

    That is so cool that the kids can spend time with their great grandmother! That's so special. The great grandmother would love it too I'm sure! My family came to Australia in 1950 so we never got to meet our great-grandparents. Most of them died a long time ago, but my grandmother on Dad's side, her mum was alive until the late 1990s I think. She used to write to my grandmother.

    It's so nice that you've been spending time with your Dad too, he sounds like a really nice man. He would be so happy having you around.

    It's a bummer with coffee girl for sure! She's so lovely, it's no surprise she's been snatched up already! I'm very glad to have her as a friend. People like that don't grow on trees, so just being friends is a huge positive as far as I'm concerned. I'm sure when I do find someone it'll hit me like a ton of bricks (in a good way of course...!). After all the issues with my ex it's probably good to have a bit of time to fully get over all that stuff before inflicting myself on someone :P

    It was quiet yesterday at work for me too - today has been a bit busier. I think next week will be a bit more crazy. Bracing myself for that!

    Glad the vegan diet is going well! Honestly I think most of the meat that we buy from the supermarkets has got to be bad for us...all the hormones/antibiotics etc. pumped into it. That can't be good for us! My ex used to eat meat but she had chronic stomach problems, once she went vegetarian her stomach came good. Huge difference!

    Yes the 2020 thing is doing my head in!! I still think that 1980 is 20-something years ago....

    What's even scarier is that 1990 is as far away from 2020 as 2050 is... now THAT is frightening!!

    Have a great day Sarah :-)

    Aaron

    xxxx

  27. Aaronsis
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    3 January 2020 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    Happy Friday, I can really get used to this come in for two days thing and then it is the weekend...I have got alot done so Monday will be alot less crazy which I am looking forward to.

    That is so great that you know your family history and that you have access to that information. I kind of know about my family tree but not like you, that is really cool. It is so great to be able to have a mix of generations and for us all to spend time together, even the conversations between my son and his great grand mother around phones and technology, you can see he gets frustrated as to "how does she not know this stuff" and her not having a clue what he is talking about, it is funny, but also scary as to how far we have actually come with technology and is it a good or bad thing??? not sure yet!!

    That is so very sweet of you to say that about coffee girl and that you are not surprised she has been snapped up..and that people like her don't grow on trees, that you appreciate her friendship, that is so very nice to hear and once again just shows what a genuinely great guy you are Aaron. I had to laugh when you said that it might be good to have some time before you inflict you on another person...funny but I think that there is a very lucky lady out there and she doesn't know it yet....

    The vegan diet is going so well and i am really surprised at how I have stuck to it and how much I am enjoying it. I am already down 3kgs..not that I am doing it for weight loss but just eating better obviously agrees with me. I feel alert and awake and clean if that makes sense. I am going to stick to it firmly for one month and see how I feel and what I am missing if anything and then go from there. It really is scary the thought of what they do to our food. Dairy is a really tricky thing for some people and it really hurt my inside so I get what you are saying about your ex and her pain around meat, it really can hurt bad when foods don't agree with you.

    I had to laugh also at the whole date thing, I still think I finished school like 10 years ago, it was actually 29 years ago..omg.....that is insane!!!! 2050...I can't even get my head around that....!!!!

    I am out for dinner tonight with my friends and my kids, I am trying the pancake parlor's plantcake!!! Hopefully it is yum!

    Have an awesome weekend and hope that the weather is good for you, it is so smokey here is it crazy how the whole darn country is on fire....frightening!!

    Chat soon Aaron

    Sarah xxxxx

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  28. rhinoceros
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    148 posts
    7 January 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Hope you've had a nice week so far! I too was busy on Friday but it meant Monday was a bit less full on. It's been pretty busy here since then, but it makes the time pass quickly if you're busy.

    The conversations between your son and his great-grandmother would be so fascinating! My grandfather and I used to talk a lot about how things have changed during his lifetime. He was really tech-savvy, he even had social media accounts! Not bad for a 90 year old :-). I personally am not so much a fan of all this technology - I don't like how it tracks/monitors everything we do. There's really no such thing as privacy any more.

    Bumped into coffee girl yesterday, had a quick chat - it's great to have made a nice friend like that. I feel like I'm slowly getting myself back together again. When look back and think about how I was feeling a few years ago, I'm so glad to be where I am now.

    So glad the vegan diet is going well. 3 kg - that's amazing! Sounds like you're feeling heaps better. I don't really eat dairy either - it doesn't agree with me. I've always had my coffee/tea black for that reason. Occasionally I'll "treat" myself with a hot chocolate with milk but I regret it after.

    It's so scary how time flies!! I find things that honestly seem like yesterday are actually 10 years ago now... it's really scary.

    How was the plant-cake?? I went to a vegan restaurant on the weekend and had a Oreo shake... coconut ice-cream, and almond? milk I think - OMG it was so good.

    This Sunday I'm doing another half-marathon eeeek! It's going to be full on. I'm not terribly well prepared but I'm just going to do my best and see how that goes. I also have lots of gigs on this week, I'm really happy about that because I have no money at the moment as getting my car mended was more expensive than anticipated.

    The fires are horrible. I feel so sad for all the wildlife that have been killed and the people who have lost their homes. We've had fires here in Tassie -there was one last week awfully close to where I live. Thankfully no harm done. I think it was deliberately lit too.

    Hope you're having a good day

    Aaron

    xxxx

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  29. Aaronsis
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    7 January 2020 in reply to rhinoceros

    Hey Aaron

    Good luck for the 1/2 marathon on Sunday, that is so awesome that you are going to do another one, I will be thinking of you, even though you feel unprepared, it is so great you are going to still do it..yay!

    The Vegan diet is going so well, I am so surprised at myself that I am still at it to be honest, although it is not hard at all and I am not missing anything YET...I thought it was going to be so hard. Today is day 11 and I am 4kgs down and feel so clean and fresh and healthy..ok..you get the idea...lol. I am going to have a real crack at it for one month and see where to from there, I would love to think I can maintain this lifestyle. The plant - cake was actually amazing, it was soooo delicious, and if you didn't know it was vegan you would have never known....if you know what I mean...lol...

    I am so happy you have coffee girl as a friend and that she makes you feel good about you, she is also acting as a friendly reminder of how far you have come....awesome, you really have come so far and I am so happy you can start to see this too.

    The fires are just devastating and I am so sad our country is burning, the people, the houses, the animals..it is just horrific. We have bad smoke here in Melbourne as a flow on from them and it is horrible, I can hardly imagine what is like for the people living in these areas and the people who are fighting these fires....bloody horrific. Oh god..stay safe and I am so sad to hear that you are experiencing this too....

    I am keeping happy with listening to music...I am at work today with my ear phones in listening to Stevie Nicks, INXS ...happy places....do you know "No Myth" by Michael Penn....my tune atm...showing my age..lol

    Have a great day Aaron and glad to hear you have some gigs on to keep you happy and in some dollars...

    Sarah xxxx

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  30. rhinoceros
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    148 posts
    13 January 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah

    Sorry I've been AWOL - it's been a hectic week and weekend. I ran the half-marathon yesterday. Really pleased with how I went, I bet the time I set in the previous one by almost 15 minutes. Feeling pretty darn sore today though. Will go for a walk at lunch time and try and keep moving if I can!

    So glad to hear your vegan diet is going well! I actually went out for dinner at a vegan restaurant a while back. Honestly I wouldn't have even known some of the food was vegan - it was delicious! I had an Oreo smoothie, it had coconut cream and coconut ice cream, I think they used almond milk.. anyway it was so tasty and just as rich and creamy as something made from dairy.

    I was invited to a birthday party on Saturday night. I had gig right after so couldn't stay for long. It's the first time in a long while I've been invited to something like that. I was feeling pretty anxious about it, the thought of people I don't know being there... having to start conversations etc. Not things I generally like doing much! Thankfully it went okay, I was worried for no good reason really!

    Things with my ex are a bit tricky at the moment. I want to distance myself away from her more but with her mum visiting etc. it's not a good time. She's been very angry/irritable due to spending time with her parents. I don't think she like doing that much.The fact her time is occupied by her parents right now isn't a bad thing as it give me a bit of space.

    The fires are so awful, it's so horrible what's happening. Here in Hobart we have some hot days ahead, I worry about a lot about fires... there's so much bush land here in Tas... it's all so dry as well so it wouldn't take much for a fire to start.

    Music is the best medicine! I've been listening to Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons... I don't know what that says about me but it makes me happy ahaha! :-)

    Hope your Monday is treating you well

    Aaron

    xxxx

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