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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. BballJ
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    9 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Sorry your weekend has been rough, I have been there many times, alone at home on a Saturday night, feeling sorry for myself and hating so many things about myself, believe me, the feeling is crap and I get it... one thing I wish I was doing at your age during those times was getting the help with psychs and meds... I wasn't getting any help... I was battling through, pretending everything was ok... I want to point out what you wrote a few days ago... about your core belief... you are getting the help you need and are on the track to recovery.

    I know it's tough... you need to keep pushing through these dark days.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  2. HamSolo01
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    10 July 2017 in reply to BballJ

    thanks jay :)

    appreciate it

    i have my week planned out with all the things i need to do so thats good

    its just such a drag on the system going through all this.

  3. HamSolo01
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    10 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    I find my moods vary throughout the day

    today has been okay

    I have applied to Uber but i feel like they won't let me in considering that I've got a fine 3 and a half years back while i was on my green ps. I'm also on medication too which may not help my chances. Frustrating really because I thought this would be a good stepping stone for me.

    And I'm yet to hear from group therapy. I don't think I've got in to be honest. Considering how long I was there for and the fact that I mentioned I had suicidal thoughts in the past. I don't think I care for group therapy anymore though. It's too hard to find anything. Like I got no idea how to navigate all this stuff. Decided I might start my own one through meetup but I don't wanna make it worse on myself by adding the stress of organising it.

    I need money and need it fast and it's just causing me more anxiety. I don't know what I want to do with my life and I'm sick of seeing EVERYONE around me figuring things out.

    I have a small social life and that's all. No work life.

    I feel like I'm a failure again. I have no idea what to do. And it's just too late really. I'm over positive spin.

  4. HamSolo01
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    10 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    to be brutally honest i just hate everything

    i have no prospects in life.... like my degree won't get me anywhere

    i have no job at the moment and my anxiety and depression is just holding me back from getting anywhere.... nothing is going to change and im just going to end up on the dole....

    distractions aren't working, exercise isn't either.... like im just sick of feeling like this all the time

    and the thought that i have to vent all this on a forum as a means of therapy just feels pathetic....

    i dont even think i will get better by year's end... its all just the same... like im just stuck for ideas on what i can do to improve because it feels like all my experience is not good enough and its better if i just curl up and die..

  5. BballJ
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    10 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I think that's great that you have the week planned out... honestly with mental health.. having things set really help ease the mind... I have become pretty big on "to-do" lists, they help organise stuff as my mind is always running and thing slip through the cracks and I forget to do them. Organisation can really help the mind.

    It is such a drag.. I know... but it's all worth it in the end when you come out of this and see the struggle has made you that much stronger.

    My best,

    Jay

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  6. Quercus
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    11 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    How are you doing? Jay has had some solid advice for you this weekend. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help though.

    Thanks Jay your words helped me too... I appreciated you checking in on me too 😊. Lists and plans are gold to my confused mind! Good advice there.

    Having a mental illness sucks. I get tired of the amount of energy I have to expend just to feel somewhat stable.

    I think its pretty normal HamSolo01 to have days like we're experiencing... Where it all seems neverending and exhausting and the hopelessness kicks in. But it will pass. Just put on foot in front of the other, ask for help, plan out your supports and coping mechanisms and wait it out stubbornly. The good moments will come back. They will. We just have to keep trying.

    But it sucks. Majorly.

    Thinking of you and hoping tomorrow is a better day for you.

  7. HamSolo01
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    11 July 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey

    i feel like giving up because its too late and im gonna end up nowhere in life...

    i just like the idea of disappearing..

    ive got nothing going for me and im just a loser.. always have been always will be..

    not ringing the support line because they are useless.. not going to hospital either because they are too..

    i hate myself

    i want money so i can get sense of self worth but i cant even do volunteering.. i just get too anxious.. i get angry at myself for being weak and i wanna hurt myself but i cant do that

  8. HamSolo01
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    11 July 2017 in reply to Quercus

    i'm sick of feeling like i have wasted my life doing something that will get me nowhere

    i hate the tragedy of my life too

    why even bother with anything..

  9. HamSolo01
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    11 July 2017
    no one listens and no one cares
  10. james1
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    11 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    We're here and listening to you though I realise it's not the same as having people around.

    One of the pitfalls of pitfalls/unhelpful thought patterns that depression often causes is negative generalisation. Let's see if we can try to reverse this.

    Are there particular people in your life who who feel like aren't listening and caring at the moment? Is there a particular thing you are doing which you feel like won't get you anywhere?

    James

  11. HamSolo01
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    11 July 2017 in reply to james1

    hey

    i went to the hospital this morning and spoke to the registrar nurse there in the mental health unit

    same story really, just need to keep on track with it all

    i guess its just been a rough few days

    on the mend now, just need to stay on task and remember that things are actually getting better

    i also want to watch more comedy because i find that helps lol

    anyways, thanks again :)

  12. BenignSky
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    11 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    *wraps arms around you tightly and rubs your back*

    Sometimes all we need is human contact.

    Wish I could offer more help. You're on the mend, and you always are. One step backwards = two steps forward. You're always going forward, no matter the setback.

    Comedy is pretty great. You're from NSW, yeah? Perhaps ask some of your female friends if they'd want to go to one of the millions of comedy festivals that happens? Could be a fun time out. I'm not sure how expensive tickets are, so I apologise in advanced if this idea is not possible for you. Maybe a birthday present? I dunno.

    Do you know where your interests lie? Or you don't really know what 'turns you on' right now?

    Can I make a suggestion? Tell one of your friends how much they mean to you. It doesn't have to be a long paragraph. Sometimes just a message or phone call out of the blue. Don't make the mistake I do which is expecting a reply straight back. This ties in with what I said the other day. I know you said you had tried, but you didn't 'succeed' because you were feeling pretty low. Maybe now that you're feeling a little better, a message to one of your friends might lift your mood even more so?

    Just a suggestion, feel free to completely skip this haha.

    Hope you're doing okay man. Onwards and upwards.

    2 people found this helpful
  13. ehj
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    11 July 2017

    Hi HamSolo01, just read your post. My whole life, all I ever wanted to do was get married and have kids. I was almost there, got married and about to try for children and I was faced with depression. I had to make lots of lifestyle changes. I had to learn to stop 'wanting' things and realise that everything that makes me happy is right here in front of me. It has made me a better person and I have gone on to fundraise for beyondblue since they helped me in times of need. When I was unwell, I never thought I would be able to go on and help other people because I couldn't see light at the end of the tunnell but... here I am. Goodluck and I hope this helps 😀

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  14. BballJ
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    11 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    You'll have to excuse me, when I replied to you yesterday I didn't see your last two posts above my last post and didn't see that you were struggling, my last response would of been more different to you so I apologise about that.

    I was glad to read your most recent post was that you are feeling a little better... just keep reminding yourself you are getting better... write it down and look at it every day. I know the financial side is tough... did Uber say they would reject you or are you thinking they will due to a fine you got 3 and half years ago? Do they not let anyone drive for them that doesn't have a 100% clean driving record?

    We do care and we are listening.. please don't think you're alone, you are using these forums exactly correct and that is by venting on here, it is exactly what they are for.

    My best,

    Jay

  15. Quercus
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    12 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I'm relieved to see you seem a bit more on track after your visit to the hospital. How are you holding up now?

    This bothered me a lot...

    no one listens and no one cares

    You know that's not true right?

    When is your next psychiatrist visit? Do you think the new meds are helping you or too early to tell?

    I'm pretty worried about you to be honest. Those last few posts were really brutal (there is was a lot of despair and self hate and anger in them). I struggled to read them they were a bit too familiar to how I was feeling.

    That said I'm asking my psychiatrist to review my meds tomorrow because I feel unstable. Do you think this might be something you need to discuss too?

    Hope you are ok.

  16. HamSolo01
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    12 July 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey all

    Thank you for your input and help. I appreciate it.

    It's been a rough week or so.

    I think in the darker moments I forget the real truths - that people care. They do. It just doesn't FEEL that way. When your perception is mucked up by depression and anxiety it has the ability to screw with your sense of reality. I've always known this, but then again it's different to know something and feel it.

    It may sound trivial but the reality is that I need to continue living my life. I am doing this anyway, but it just feels like I'm on autopilot. The registrar nurse lady person (whatever they are) who spoke to me yesterday made the point that it's not all over yet. I'm only 23 and have so much more to live for and look forward to. This is true as day. It just doesn't FEEL like it. (Feelings again right?)

    She suggested that I just go and do stuff, be involved and soak it all up. Tbh I kinda found that unhelpful because I want to do all that but I can't due to the nerves, angst, self hate, self esteem problems... But it's a process. A step by step process. I've never been able to swim in the deep end and when I've tried it's been met with failure.

    But I think now I'm getting better I can start doing this. So, tomorrow I see my psych (Who will be informed about my hospital visit yesterday) and I want to talk to him about how I can set up my goals to ENSURE that I actually do them. I know for a fact that I'm on the right path atm but I just want to make sure I don't get lazy, unmotivated or overly anxious.

    I have a skype interview today for a job i found on the uni website (teaching english as a second language to young korean students). I wrote up a letter and sent my resume (that's easy for me to do). I always need to remember how my interview skills are actually good. That I can master that stuff easily. This goes to what the lady said yesterday - that perceptions and thoughts are not going to be accurate when it comes to anxiety and depression. There will be bad days indeed.

    I've also finalised the funrun stuff. Just need to post it on my facebook and hopefully people throw some money at it haha.

    So while it may still FEEL bad, things are certainly improving. This is where patience plays a role.

    Off to the gym later today with a friend. Then I might do the same tomorrow.I have some good friends around me too which I need to remember :)

    Thanks for sticking by me though guys. It's really helpful.

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  17. james1
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    12 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey what distance is your fun run? I did a 10km one on Sunday? :) It was enjoyable....foro the first kilometer haha.

    James

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  18. Quercus
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    12 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    When you're in a good head space it's obvious that you're capable and you really do help yourself (gym with friend, job applications, fun run...). I think you're right about the key word being FEEL. On the low days you know you're on the right track, have support, are working towards goals... but the FEELINGS utterly overwhelm logic.

    I wish I had some advice on how to help with that. But I'm drawing a blank. I'm very similar. My husband is very logical. He tries to work out practical solutions when I'm down and I'm all about the feelings and all over the place. We drive eachother nuts 😊.

    The only thing that seem to help is just waiting the mood swing out. Just giving myself TLC however I can and distracting myself. If your psychiatrist has any ideas let me know 😊.

    Anyway take care of yourself HamSolo01.

  19. HamSolo01
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    12 July 2017 in reply to james1

    @Jay - it's about 11kms. But I will be walking for the most part haha.I might run a bit of it, but i'll need to train up my running skill. Hopefully i raise some good dineros (spanish for cash/money) and can put it toward the mental health charity I'm representing.

    @quercus - Hi. I think a good thing to recall is the fact that thoughts are not the same as emotions. I'm slowly learning what this is and what it looks like to be able to "diffuse" the two. Say for instance I feel a bit low (as I presently do atm despite having gone to the gym and caught up for lunch with a mate), I need to be aware of the fact that thoughts which will enter my mind are not emotions and they certainly are not legit. I feel like I've wasted time and the thought that enters my mind is "too little too late" or "the horse has bolted". This is because of the emotional aspect, then it triggers off a thought and i ascribe emotion to it.. "Yeh it's too late, why bother, it's all futile" and i get depressed af. The way around this I think is to remember two fundamental truths. Firstly, as a result of my mental illness I will naturally catastrophise and make things out to be what they are not. Secondly, I need to realise that while I'm in a lower mood then I must be cautious about what i think about, what I say and what I feel. The second bit requires me to be self-reflective which is something I do anyway, however I need to apply it in the right way - what I am slowly learning to do.

    I also need to cut myself some slack, set some overarching goals and also have realistic expectations. Case in point? Work. I'm not gonna be making top dollar at this point in my life (due to uni timetable being so abstract and illogical) so i need to look for work that is basically going to cover essential costs and recreational ones too. This is why tutoring works well for me - so long as it is close by. Looking on the uni database is proving very effective so i will keep at it with that. Just saw another job advert for note taking for disability services so i will defs put in for that. Just need to be practical, logical and thought out in the work i look for. In theory i could apply for a baseline job but i can't fit it in without sacrificing uni.. not worth doing that imo.

    I also need to get back into some hobbies. Some old and new ones too. But baby steps really.

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  20. BballJ
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    12 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Glad to read you are in a lot better of a space right now... just remember when you get into those dark and down moods, come back and read these last couple of posts and I think they will help pull you through those dark days. There is always hope and your attitude at the moment is spot on.

    Tutoring is something you seem to be really good at and I am glad there seems to be some more opportunity arising for you in that and even the note taking for the disability service. I think jobs like that for you are perfect, where there isn't much added stress for you, currently it's not needed, just stuff that is practical as you said. Can't say I have met many people in their early 20's who earn top dollar, this is the age where you find yourself and learn everything you can about yourself which you are doing.

    The fun run sounds awesome as well so well done for doing that.

    My best,

    Jay

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  21. HamSolo01
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    13 July 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hey.

    Yeah i agree.

    The dark, lowly moods are tough. Luckily i think my new med is slowly kicking in too which may counter it.

    I must admit too that having a sense of humour helps in all this. When i saw the psych person at the hospital the other day she said i was a cynic (which i wear as a badge of honour lol) but that i was also a pessimist. When i really thought about it she was right. So ive dropped the pessimism, or at least trying to. I would say however that depression makes you pessimistic anyway. So now im just focusing on what i can and need to do. I think im a cynic still but i apply it in a good way (i can explain that further if need be haha)

    guesa its just a case of remembering good core beliefs. I remember my psych saying that one day it may all click. I feel like that "day" is going to be a drawn out period. Either way its good.

  22. HamSolo01
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    13 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Just got word back on a grad program and i didnt make it through

    basically leaves one left...

    i guess i have 2 options... either give up hope or research and find new stuff...

    the latter is easier because it is what im used to doing but i know it wont make the situation any better

    im just getting angsty over all this graduation stuff...

    genuinely feels like a new wave of depression is about to spring on me...

    off to see a friend soon so that might be a good distraction

    psych tonight as well so that's good

    either way.. what am i going to do ?

  23. james1
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    13 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey sorry abuot the grad program news. Just don't forget it's not about whether you are capable or not. Some of the most capable people I've known just took a while to get jobs. A lot has to line up for you to get the job and sometimes it doesn't work out at first. You'll get something.

    Some (i.e. many) of my friends didn't get jobs the year after they graduated so they just took up casual jobs or went back for an extra year of study in masters or honours. Some even did a whole new degree and found something then.

    There's a lot of options available, so it's just about keeping your options open. Keep an eye out on the job market whether proper grad programs, or just regular jobs. And even further study can be a good idea if you are keen on research. You sound like you've got a pretty inquisitive mind.

    I hope the time with the friend is good, and your psych appointment goes well.

  24. Quercus
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    13 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Sorry to hear about you missing out on the graduate program. Keep on trying. You'll find something. I liked how yesterday you were looking at jobs that worked with your social anxiety and actually applying. I think that is a great idea.

    Just focus on a job. Any job that you find interesting regardless of what it pays... the work experience and build-up of confidence will be worthwhile. Not to mention the income.

    Enjoy your day out 😊

  25. HamSolo01
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    14 July 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey

    Yeah. I figured what i need to do is research more. Seems like postgrad will be an option for sure.

    My anxiety is playing up today. Even if it doesn't prevent me from doing things when im out places doing whatever it is i gotta do it still bugs me in the back of my mind. Today is a classic example. I'm starting to see how it effects me in subtle ways as well.

    It also seems like there is an in built idea that i need to meet a certain measurement or metric to feel like i fit in. I guess its feelings > logic thing kicking in again.

    I find im also more prone to feeling bad when im wondering around aimlessly at a shopping mall. I always feel like i dont fit in and that i stand out somehow.. people are looking at me or something.. they can read my innermost thoughts.

    I think in some ways ive come far in all of this. I just have to remember to take a seat and relax at times, knowing im on a good path.

    Venting on here helps as well.

    I find at times i have really negative thoughts about my self worth and esteem. But outside my own mind its not that bad. I can actually function.

    Its a hard thing because i doubt myself yet still manage to find some energy and push through.

    Im beginning to think postgrad is maybe going to be my next option next year. Because itll help me pursue a career in an area im interested in. That requires research. Only through that can i find more info. Its also because i think i cant live in a routine driven lifestyle.. but im not sure

    Ive also learned about radical acceptance therapy. Its proving quite helpful for my stress and anxiety. Depression is the harder side of it though.

    I think i just need to keep doing what im doing. Remember that life is by no means over at 23. Maybe there are bigger things in stock for me.. again with postgrad study haha. I like the idea of doing that iverseas for a year.. work in a bookstore while living in the US.. idk.. Lately ive thought of that as a dream i could fulfill..

    Again its just a question of balance in life and not caring so much about what others think. I do that because i want to feel approval but i think its silly because i do already have approval. I need to learn to drop stuff thats holding me down.

    Its all part of it i guess.

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  26. Quercus
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    15 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    How is your weekend going? I hope you've made some plans. Get out and enjoy yourself 😊

    I like this...

    Again its just a question of balance in life and not caring so much about what others think. I do that because i want to feel approval but i think its silly because i do already have approval. I need to learn to drop stuff thats holding me down.

    That makes a hell of a lot of sense. You already have approval. I forget that too sometimes.

    Just wanted to cheer you on. I like this positive analytical mood. It's great to see.

  27. HamSolo01
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    15 July 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey quercus

    so far so good

    gym this morning, then ate breakfast out and got a haircut afterwards

    i actually found that while i was at the shops, i felt a little anxious and decided to do a bit of exposure therapy - walk down the other end (its a massive mall) and get a juice then walk back. Seems rather small, but it counts for a lot i thought. I had a renewed sense of value. This is because I told myself that I wasn't my past.

    I remember thinking to myself that I'm taming demons in my mind. I've had to deal with some horrible people and some horrible experiences. I realised this when I saw people I knew from church when I used to go. I was able to function fine. I remembered to tell myself that I'm not my past and that it's not as bad as I feel like it is. I also felt better that I had increased some of the weights at the gym. Just to feel the extra resistance. It all builds.

    It's kind of good having the physical example of gradual increase in front of me at the gym and having the experience in real life in my battles with depression and anxiety. Just have to keep on keeping on I guess.

    when I wrote that post yesterday I was feeling pretty low. Even though I was outside doing stuff.

    I find that being outside in the world or at home makes no difference to my moods and anxiety levels. Going out and doing something is always beneficial. But it won't solve the problem of my anxiety, in some cases it can make it worse. What I need to do is have a grip on the angst and depression first. That way when it inevitably hits me when I'm out places it won't hurt as much. That was an example today.

    I've made 100 bucks for the funrun too. Many people liked the facebook post, but they haven't donated. I don't really care though tbh. I guess just doing the thing will be enough for my own personal journey really. Nothing else. Someone donated from high school whom I haven't spoken to since my 21st lol. Howsabout that.

    The rest of today I'm taking off. Doing what I want. I don't go out and party much, not really interested in that. I've kind of moved on I guess. Matured a bit.

    I'm about to make a tea and go out on the balcony and read my book in the sunlight.

    Might have an early night too. Feel really sleep deprived.

    Tomorrow it's the coffeeshop as usual on a sunday and then planning out what I need to do this week.

    There's a rundown of my life for you haha.

    Take care :)

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  28. Quercus
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    15 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Cuppa, book and sunshine. Now that is a good plan!

    It's probably only recently I've started accepting that it's ok to have your own interests. I remeber being so anxious at uni because I didn't like parties and crowds and clubs and felt like I was just missing that "being young and carefree" gene. So just do what suits you. There's nothing wrong with doing what YOU enjoy.

    The fun run sounds really good actually. Something worthwhile. And it does feel good seeing physical progress. The gym is a great place to be. The roytine is even better. I'm enjoying exercise lately just because of how it makes my joints less painful. It's weird to be enjoying focusing on the feel of muscle movement but I suppose knowing what it feels like to be physically restricted makes me appreciate this improvement.

    I like how you said you're not your past. So true. Hubby told me once that our pasts are just experiences good and bad that we learn from and change. Who you were then doesn't have to rule you forever because you grow.

    Look through your posts HamSolo01... You have ups and downs but you are learning and changing and pushing yourself and helping yourself. And you know when to slow down and rest and take care of yourself. These are all good things.

  29. HamSolo01
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    HamSolo01 avatar
    894 posts
    16 July 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey all

    thought i would post up a couple of things that have been on my mind of late

    - I'm starting to see how my religious experience in high school has really formed some negative, deep seated emotions within me that have stuck around for a while now. I know some of you are religious and I accept that. I take your advice on board because you are people who've dealt with the same. Not because of your religion. But in my life I am starting to really see the negative impact it had on me growing up. Especially seeing the biblical counsellor at my school, telling him things that I shouldn't have really did not help. But I guess I was at an age where I was trying to figure things out and at that point in my life it was the answer. Half of me must come to terms with that fact while the other half is still dealing with the negative ideas I have about myself. That's a kettle of fish to work on. But I can accept in principle that it's a demon that will come and go. Compartmentalising like that helps too

    - I'm beginning to see that if I want to change things, I must put in the effort. This is something that I've always known and believed. I've seen the impact it has on me. I've experience the bettering it has had. But due to my mental health conditions it is foggy to me. But this last week has taught me that I just need to press through the darker moments. No need to pitty myself and feel sad about it. Just accept the fact it will come by. So long as I keep my eyes on whatever it is I need to do next it's okay.

    - the relationship thing that has plagued me for a while now is fundamentally linked to my self-worth (which relates back to the first point I made). Being taught that sex was only for marriage had a lasting impact on me and has no doubt shaped my self-worth. But I have moved past that idea. But I don't accept the hook up culture. I just do as I want and accept myself - that's most important.

    - I've made progress in my mental health journey. Even as I write this I feel a bit surreal but it's a sign that things are indeed getting better mentally. That's all that matters really.

    continued:
  30. HamSolo01
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    HamSolo01 avatar
    894 posts
    16 July 2017

    - I'm engaging myself more. I will do my best to start the airport volunteering in the next week. I need to find out about music. I'm joining a political party at uni. I'm trying to find group therapy (but they havent got back to me, so time to find some new ones - any ideas?) I've found that even sending an email can be hard. But that's social anxiety i guess. I just have to dispel the myths that come with the thoughts that people think I'm weird. In the end it's baby steps. I have that new job starting in a week and a bit. It's only a temporary thing but it'll look good hopefully. And it's some cash I use to spend on something nice.

    Today at the coffee shop i looked back over the past week and felt nice that I'd achieved some stuff.

    This is however always tinged with a hint of regret - regret that I have not done things sooner. But then again, at that point in history I did what I felt was right and good. I need to remember that this mental health journey has been 5 years in the making.. not the past 2 months.

    I kept telling myself yesterday at the shops that I am not my past. People do not know my past. I only do and I don't even need to think that it's got a hold over me.

    Just need to accept myself and be patient.

    In terms of next year I just need to keep researching postgrad opportunities overseas. That's all that's required. I've had a few people say it's not a good idea to do it so soon. But it's my own choice. I think I'm smart enough to make an informed choice. I guess that's the "Seeking approval from others" thing kicking in. I wouldn't let myself run into something dumb anyway lol. That's the point of researching and getting help (Reminds me I need to contact my tutor soon)

    Onwards and upwards I guess. Just keep on going :)

    1 person found this helpful

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