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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. Quercus
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    8 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    You've been very quiet thought I'd come by and check how you're doing. So uni is back? How are you finding it? Have you been pushing yourself to talk to people in your classes?

    How did you go with finding more tutoring work? That sounds like a good plan.

    I hope you're quiet because you are busy and feeling well. Thinking of you.

  2. HamSolo01
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    8 August 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Quercus

    nice to hear from you

    I think I've been okay lately. Uni is back yes. Started last week in fact. The two classes I'm doing are great. I knew they would be as I have had the tutor/coordinator before. This means I only have 2 tutorials. They always make you introduce yourself in class so it's somewhat awkward for everyone involved. The good thing is I know someone already in my tutorial from last semester - but wasn't near them on the day. Nevermind though because I made smalltalk with those around me. I find that applying my cynical yet approachable sense of humour really does help.

    Last week I ended up catching up with 3 people all in one day. That was different. But it was good. Had a graduate info evening and managed to speak to the graduates there with no trouble. My social anxiety is deep seated so I can fake it til i make it but still question everything I said and dwell on it - sometimes even while I'm talking to the person... I'm trying hard to work on that.

    I have a second interview on thursday for tutoring. Over skype. Pretty nervous actually because I'm not used to people watching me tutor. But then that's life I guess. I can do it. I just need to act as if the person watching me is not there.

    I also went to a political part meeting on friday night. Was a good change to meet likeminded people. I sort of wish I did it sooner because it is my last semester but I don't think it mattered tbh. I feel like that is a potential avenue I could take - not being in the spotlight but certainly being behind the scenes. I do like debates about politics, so long as they don't become personal - which they often do these days. But that's the glory of free speech I suppose.

    Today I filled out an application for a job at uni. I've also got tutoring this afternoon followed by Spanish. Really don't want to go to Spanish because I feel stupid there. Don't know anything and it's hard to learn when I get tired at night. But I'm not being tested on it so that's okay.

    Off to gym now.

    Hope you are well! Thanks for dropping by too. Was meaning to post on here soon anyway.

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  3. Quercus
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    8 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    That is really lovely to hear actually (that you're busy and active and getting out there doing things for yourself). I'm happy for you. Good for you going to political meetings and talking to people 😊. It doesn't matter if you are awkward and faking it... At least you can finish off your time at uni saying you tried to push yourself and try new things.

    My first few years at uni were very isolated and controlled and my last few I tried to push myself. Maybe not enough in other's eyes but enough for me to be able to say yes I did have fun at uni. I think given what happened it was a good thing for me to not allow him to have taken that experience from me. It doesn't matter how long you have left there. Just keep trying.

    I made good friends. Attended an exam after doing shots (and passed it haha). Made a fool of myself. Tried flirting. Dyed my hair and did the experimental fashion thing. Considered kissing a woman and decided it wasn't something I wanted. Went dancing. Considered going home with a bloke and decided casual wasn't something I wanted. Joined a club (also not my thing). Volunteered at a sporting event for a sport I knew nothing about. The list goes on. They weren't major things but for me uni was supposed to be a chance to get to know myself a little and I did do that eventually. I hope you have this opportunity too.

  4. BballJ
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    8 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Sorry I hadn't messaged you to see how you were going, I am glad Quercus reached out to you and you responded. I was very happy to read how well things seem to be going for you, that really is showing that everything is starting to work for you, I know there are little things still playing on you like the social anxiety but you seem to be in a much better spot than you were and you have so much going on which is great. Being busy is a great way to keep the negative thoughts of mental health issues away.

    I like the politics avenue you said, I enjoy discussing politics as well, can get heated of course as it can get personal but if it doesn't and its a mutual discussion then it can be very beneficial and good on the mind too.

    My best,

    Jay

  5. HamSolo01
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    10 August 2017 in reply to BballJ

    hey quercus and jay

    this morning i feel pretty average

    im filled with regret and self pity over my mental health.. i keep thinking and feeling that its held me back for this long and will continue to do so..

    It doesn't help when i see people around me hooking up all the time and people being happy. The psychologist i spoke to at the hospital way back when i ended up there was helpful as much as she was unhelpful. It sucks because i can agree with her - my anxiety has held me back.

    I also saw some photos of me recently when i did that fun run and i really did not like the way I looked. I felt like I looked like a freak. A tall freak. I hate feeling like this. It just undermines my already small amount of confidence. Constantly being picked out for it in life does my head in. I basically learned to ignore it. But I always feel like people think I'm a freak.

    I've pretty much resolved i will be single for my life now. People will start thinking all sorts of horrible things about me (they probs do anyway) and i just hate myself for letting me pushed around for this long. It really feels like I've wasted all this time. No right minded girl would want to be with me anyway. All this potential for love and intimacy is gone. I had my chance when I was younger and now it's all over. I know a defeatest attitude like that can breed problems but can you really blame me? I'm 23 for goodness sake. I haven't got any money and I probably never will. I'm just gonna be sad my whole life.

    I am trying. I really am. But I just keep finding myself back where i was - the middle of the storm again. I mean I thought I was getting better and it turns out that I'm just going in circles. It's making me dizzy.

    Is there seriously any point to this stuff?

  6. BballJ
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    10 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Sorry to read your day has been average, I can 100% relate that sometimes it just feels like we go around in circles, my mental health issues seem to have come full 360 degrees at me recently, especially when I thought I had got through most of them they have snuck back on me and each day is hard so trust me I understand where you are coming from.... I and we just need to keep reminding ourselves that we deserve better in our life and we can only make that happen ourselves. The psychologists and GP's will give us the tools to help but we need to use them on our own to make it happen.

    Remember, you have come around like this when you have a bad day and the next or so day you generally will look at the bigger picture again and remember you are getting better. We want our mental health recoveries to be a straight line from point A to point B but in reality that straight line looks more like a figure 8.

    You are still only 23 and so young, I know to you, it doesn't feel young but in scheme of things, it is very young and you have so much ahead of you. Remember, every day is chance to get better even if it doesn't feel like it.

    My best,

    Jay

  7. Quercus
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    11 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I owe you an apology. I was so busy being happy that you were taking control and trying new things I didn't consider that my last post would have been difficult for you until I saw today's post.

    Jay is right this low will pass. You know this too. In a few days you'll be back taking those strong steps forward. But I'm sorry if I played any part in triggering the return of the self doubt.

    Doubting your ability to attract someone is a pretty normal feeling I believe. Fearing being alone forever or everyone leaving you is another. I'm very familiar with these even though I'm happily married. The way I deal with these thoughts is to ask for feedback if the thoughts are upsetting me. I'm my worst critic. So I ask. Are you happy in our marriage? What isn't so good? What's great? Hearing from people I love and trust helps me fight these feelings.

    So...You have girl friends... Ask them for an honest opinion. What's good? What needs work? Or if you can work through the anxiety... have you ever asked a girl out on a date? You mention you don't feel you have anything to offer but have you even put the offer out there?

    It will pass HamSolo01 you know this. Just let the shit feelings wash over you and focus instead on these three things...

    1. This is the depression and anxiety magnifying every little self doubt you have. It is not fact.

    2. You are worthwhile and have skills and features which are desirable to a workplace, to friends and to a partner. See #1 again.

    3. You have your whole life ahead of you. There will be ups and downs even without a MI. There's no hurry. Would you judge a friend if they hadn't had an intimate relationship by 23? So why are you being so hard on yourself? See #1 again!

    Please take care of yourself.

  8. HamSolo01
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    11 August 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey guys

    thanks for the help

    today started off okay but then i got annoyed at my mum and sister. They just expect me to chaffeur them around everywhere.. i dont have to be reminded i have no life.. i do that enough..

    as for relationships? i really dont care.. like i would love if it happened but its not going to. Its a good idea quercus but i wont believe any of it. I'll just criticise it and take it to heart. The problem is that i dont expose myself to enough of the world and i cant do it because of my anxiety and anger. I just get angry with myself because i should've done all this sooner.

    I know 23 is still young but it feels like you still gotta grow up a bit. I feel like i havent. I just picture myself as this sad lonesome, skinny freak who cries too much and wants nothing other than the world to accept him.. god its awful.. im just there cowering in the corner.

    Im sick of being told to be positiv and all this rubbish. It gets nowhere.

    Im really annoyed this morning. Im not going back on meds because they just ruin everything. None of it helps.

    Now im really upset on my way to uni and im not gonna be taking things in... god sakes

  9. Quercus
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    11 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Reading your post one thing really stands out. Anger. Have you thought about this?

    I struggle with anger. Sometimes rage. Resentment often. Through therapy I now understand that it is mostly self directed and coming from frustration for my lack of action and control and feelings of helplessness.

    But it doesn't show like that. I lash out at people. I throw out things I wouldn't usually say to get a reaction (to offend and hurt). Sometimes I'll lash out with things I know aren't true or that I don't even agree with just to upset people. Because it's easier than accepting that I'm doing this to myself. That by changing nothing I end up in the same position where I'm so angry that it's either bury it and end up hurting myself or lash out wildly to get it out of my system for a while. Neither work. I sabotage myself by pushing people away and then stew in a pity party of one.

    The hard thing is I kind of notice similar in your threads. Either everything is great or it's awful. I'm like this too. I don't want to upset you but I wonder if you're aware you're sabotaging yourself?

    When you are upset and angry like this part of me wants to back off completely. Not because you're not worthwhile but because I find the level of anger intimidating and unpredictable. I'm aware I'm a complete hypocrite seeing as I'm the same. But it makes me realise what I do to my husband. Repel him purposefully. Will you think about this? You say friends leave you. Women aren't attracted. Do you think you might be unconsiously pushing people away? Sabotaging?

    I apologise in advance. This is probably not the right thing to say.

  10. HamSolo01
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    11 August 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Quercus

    No need to apologise.

    I see where you are coming from.

    You are right about anger. I hate it. I hate myself and everything around me because I'm always reminded of how I keep screwing things up for myself. I keep remembering the dumb things I have said or done. I keep remembering all the stupid bad things I do to myself. I keep hating EVERYTHING about me. I really do not like myself.

    I have moments where I can accept it. I have done this lately and it seems to be working a bit.

    I feel like I've just a hit wall. Almost everything I do to improve myself is hit with the "should've done this sooner because things could be SO MUCH BETTER now" attitude. It's the worst. I just have to drop it. Tbh I think I'm in the process of doing it.

    I don't think I do anything unattractive - I'm just awkward to be around maybe. I hate that. I can understand how people work yet I can't seem to be able to do it myself. I get thrown too easy. It's awkward. I just feel like crying because it's not getting easier.

    I'm beginning to see how you find the level of anger and frustration intimidating. I might raise it with my psych next time I see him. Mum said it was 'unfair' what i did this morning - but i mean I still stand by it. No one seems to be caring enough. I'm really over having to clamour for people's attention. People have left me in droves... I'm losing friends quicker than I gain them and even then I feel like they really just don't like me.

    I've kind of gotten to a point now where I simply do not care enough about anything. I'm just going to do whatever I have to do. I'm sick of people telling me that I have to 'have fun' and 'enjoy myself'. Why should I? In all honesty I'm done with that crap. At this rate I'm going to get nowhere in life.

    The rational side of me know this is all crap but then the emotional side of me knows that it's bloody difficult in life just generally so why bother...

    Feels like I just progressively shoot myself in the foot all the damn time... I'm sick of fake it til you make it because I've been doing that for years and its gets nowhere..

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  11. Quercus
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    11 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo01,

    I understand. I could have written that post. At therapy the psychiatrist said something that got me worked up and I couldn't figure out why.

    He said: why do you think I'm not listening to you?

    I took me a week to figure out why this upset me. Because in therapy he IS listening to me. It's the first time in my life someone has. And it's only because I pay him to listen. That made me sad. That it takes me 8 months of trying to communicate to my husband that my job is upsetting me. That it takes me years of asking for help for anyone to accept I have a problem. I don't want to talk to the psychiatrist. I want my loved ones to pay attention to me because they think I'm worth listening to.

    In therapy the psychiatrist said I am extremes. Like your posts today vs the ones you posted a few days ago. A world apart with no half way days. He said I am so used to being ignored that I bury it until I explode. That I don't know how to communicate issues and conflicts quietly as they arise because I have learnt to say nothing because I'll be ignored and to wait until my feelings become so bad that my extreme reaction feels warranted. My way to force people to PAY ATTENTION 😊.

    But the downside is feeling resentful and hurt and unimportant and unworthy. And while I continue to act like this improving my self esteem is almost impossible because I reenforce to myself daily you're opinion doesn't matter.

    And then the kicker... I miss out on what I want to do because I can't communicate. Like sticking in this toxic job for ages and feeling like life is a waste because there are so many things I want to do but I'm trapped.

    The solution isn't easy because it involves change and risk. Earlier this week I exploded at my husband expecting him to leave me but I was done with feeling hopeless. To my surprise he listened and said he had no idea why I thought my opinion didn't matter because it does. And he made the minor changes that I asked for and has been encouraging my decisions. My point.... It is only hopeless in OUR heads HamSolo01. But when we actually decide and choose and take action things happen.

    One example... You wanting a relationship. You think social awkwardness limits you but it's also a benefit. Your GF will get the benefit of knowing the 'real you' with the security of knowing you're unlikely to flirt with other women as you're socially anxious. Same situation. Different perspective.

  12. HamSolo01
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    12 August 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey quercus

    Good morning

    You are right yes. Dad told me yesterday that i'll get there in the end. By 'there' he means the right place and at the right time. Just because i cant see it yet doesnt mean it wont happen. It comes with the territory of uni too i guess. Its such an angsty time...

    I got that new tutor job. Have to sign a contract etc this week. Hoping to get some new students. It's helpful to do but I still worry about finances. Hopefully he will have some international students i can tutor though. I get depressed when i put in effort like that and it goes nowhere or has very little impact.

    Right now i havent got out of bed yet but i will. Need to take it easy today. I will maybe look at stuff for my end of year holiday. USA here i come haha.

    I'm gonna say a few things now which may be uncomfortable but i need to get them out there. The whole thing with relationships seems to have been tarnished by my experiences with religion. This is because i was taught at a very young age to keep sex til marriage and what not. Sex was and is everywhere. I then became hooked on porn as a result. It was a horrible combo of guilt. I eventually gave up the religion because of my own realisations that it was made up. I also learned to accept that i can be fine without it. It helped me in every way.

    The relationships thing that hangs around in the back of my mind does so because of the sense of adequecy/acceptance i think i will get from it on a personal level. Its wrong. I can have moments where i feel fine on my own and i am good with things.

    I might have social anxiety but i know how to relate to people. I can do it, i just find it exhausting. But i have made improvements. I guess for now i just have to wait a bit longer.

    For now my goal is money. Thats the focus. I know when im able to start saving more ill be happier. All the relationship will come by at some point. I do have social skills. Im just anxious about it. I keep reminding myself that in differing circumstances i probably would have a gf. But the reasons i dont are many and they include monetary ones, mental health and the fact that i want to travel and study overseas. I guess relationships are also time and place dependent. I thought of maybe getting tinder again or other dating sites but i will do thst when i got some more cash.

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  13. Quercus
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    13 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Congratuations on the tutoring job. That's great news. And planning a holiday sounds awesome. A reward just for you when you finish your degree. My sister went to the US last year and loved it. Didn't want to come home. What did you have in mind to see?

    This is interesting...

    The relationships thing that hangs around in the back of my mind does so because of the sense of adequecy/acceptance i think i will get from it on a personal level. Its wrong. I can have moments where i feel fine on my own and i am good with things.

    That makes sense to me. A relationship truly does confirm in your mind that you are a desirable human being in a way that casual sex or being alone can't. I've always felt like that. I'm happy enough in my own company but there is something so very appealing about having someone who cares about me just as I am. I'm unable to make myself feel as good about being "me" as I feel about being part of an "us". Maybe it is wrong but you're not alone in feeling like this.

    Ah porn. You can't escape sex unfortunately it is everywhere. Nothing to feel guilty about HamSolo01. My friends and I have discussed porn being one of the hardest influences to explain to a young adult in terms of how to relate it to a real relationship. Most especially when you try to relate it to teaching ideas such as keeping sex for marriage. It's bloody confusing and such a mixed bag of feelings.

    I decided one day I'll explain it to my kids as the content in porn being more like casual sex... All about appearance and lust and taking what you want with no real care factor.

    A true relationship in contrast is being with someone who respects and cares for you. The lust and fun and excitement is there but there is also the element of trust that they will respect your boundaries and the knowledge that they desire you for more than what your body can give them. What they choose to do is their business and I won't judge will probably just encourage my kids to at least keep one thing for marriage so that they have the joy of learning something new with their husband/wife.

    As you can see I suppose I'm not good at being religious haha. But where you started feeling it's all BS... I went down the path of I can be a terrible Catholic and have faith regardless 😊. Neither is wrong in my mind.

    Try to be patient with yourself HamSolo01 you're Dad's advice is solid. Just look at your progress and keep trying.

  14. BballJ
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    13 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I have caught up on your posts since I last posted a couple of days ago and it seems from your last post things were looking a little bit better for you, which is great.

    Congratulation on getting the tutoring job, it seems to be something you are good at and that is helping people so well done for doing it.

    One thing I picked up in one of your posts was that you hate getting told to stay positive. I actually agree with this so much... the stay positive and things will get better statement is one of the worst things you can say to someone suffering from anything, it's almost a cop out, just as worse as saying, oh things aren't that bad, you'll be ok. I get that so much and end of the day, we need to just use each day as a chance to grow in ourselves and simply try and get better as best as we can and that is working through our mental issues with psychologists and doctors.

    You never know regarding the relationship that you might meet the girl of your dreams overseas, if you manage to travel think of it as a new opportunity to sort of reinvent yourself as you never would of met any of the people you will meet overseas and sort of have a fresh start. Your current goal is just to earn more money, that is great, you are young and these are the best times to work as hard as you can to travel and do the things you want to do.

    May I ask, about your social anxiety, do you get all flustered whenever you have to go out anywhere with people or is more just not wanting to feel awkward when you are out with people? I don't know much about social anxiety so just wondering.

    My best,

    Jay

  15. james1
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    14 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    I just wanted to drop by and say congratulations on the job.

    Also a big good on you for trying to keep an eye on what you know when your feelings are going haywire. You are totally making progress.

    I went on and off okcupid so I think it's good that you're thinking about using it when you feel comfortable. Like you said to Em, love can pop up at the most unexpected times so it's not the most important thing to go chasing after.

    James

  16. HamSolo01
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    15 August 2017 in reply to james1

    Good evening everyone

    nice to hear from you james and jay

    Things are going relatively okay I think. Certainly not as bad as they were back 3-4 weeks back.

    I signed the contract for tutoring today. Should be interesting to see if I can get some students coming in.I immediately started worrying about it this afternoon thinking that if I did not get any I would be back to square 1 with finding work and a job. I started to regret not taking up that job offer at the book store... But then I caught myself out and realised that things were different back then and they are better now... so the point I had to learn from there was that life is transitory. things are okay but then they can be bad... it's just how life is.

    The good thing is that I am still at uni. The choice to remain was a good one. Gives me more time to piece things together. I need to remember not to rush fixing things.. because every single time I have done so it has backfired.

    the loneliness I feel on a daily basis can either be from feeling alone (just a raw feeling) or not being in contact with humans (whether they are friends or just people in general doesnt matter). I think I've been conditioned somewhat due to social media to care too much about what others are doing and how I measure up. Stopped using facebook regularly about 3 months back and it has helped a lot. You can't be effected by what you don't know is happening. Even still, change it a bit and live in the real world. Today's journey into the inner suburbs was good - gave me a sense of independence. A sense that things are working out for the better.

    I still think the relationship thing is hanging about a bit but the trick for me is to make sure I am happy. In order to do this I need to make some more improvements in my life. It's all a work in progress. And I keep reminding myself that I'm only 23 and I still have a lot of life left to life. I also have my intelligence/mind which is my greatest asset/strength I would say. So long as I keep a clear head and focus on whatever it is that is coming up next then it's okay. It's a work in progress though and it's not always easy.

    Anyway, just thought I would drop by and check in. Things are a bit better. Still working on the finance thing but that'll take some effort. I managed to finish up my graduate application last night for a role next year with the govt. It was hard to complete given i felt depressed. Still got there in the end though. Its so nerve wracking lol

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  17. BballJ
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    15 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Amazing post again, when you are clear headed you really show how much progress you have made on this mental health recovery you are on. Be proud of yourself, please... it really is great how far you have come. Remember when you are feeling down what you said as well...

    "I still think the relationship thing is hanging about a bit but the trick for me is to make sure I am happy. In order to do this I need to make some more improvements in my life. It's all a work in progress. And I keep reminding myself that I'm only 23 and I still have a lot of life left to life. I also have my intelligence/mind which is my greatest asset/strength I would say. So long as I keep a clear head and focus on whatever it is that is coming up next then it's okay. It's a work in progress though and it's not always easy"

    This should almost be printed off and to remind yourself of this every single day. You are only 23 and have so much life ahead of you, all the amazing stuff is yet to happen to you, just keep going and it will.

    I like the fact you stopped using Facebook, I have read so many articles about how much better it is when you get rid of it or stop using it and living in the real world presence. It can be very refreshing.

    My best,

    Jay

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  18. james1
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    16 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    Good to hear from you as well.

    I love that you took those steps to stop using Facebook once you recognised it was becoming problematic for you. I actually did the same. I noticed I checked too much and just decided to stop using it. I deactivated a few times but kept getting tagged in so I'd log on and check, but I think I've gotten so used to not having Facebook now that I can keep it active and check it maybe once every week or fortnight.

    Nice one finishing that gov grad application. When do the next stages roll around?

    James

  19. Quercus
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    16 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    It is lovely to see how positive you are in your last post. Accepting of the bad and optimistic regardless.

    I'm with Jay on the topic of facebook. I deleted my account 4 years ago and don't regret it at all. It's an interesting way to sort out who is worth you investing your time in.

    I used to get burnt out trying to maintain friendships where the effort was onesided. When I deleted my account I told everyone and the ones who never bothered to text or email or call to include me I stopped making an effort for and focussed instead on the people who found me worthwhile enough to make sure I was included. My friendships are a more satisfting now as I know they are give and take and I'm as valuable to them as they are to me. I hope this works out for you too.

    Good luck with the tutoring and the graduate positions. Getting your foot in the door in a gov position would be awesome at least you can say to yourself you tried... More than I ever did.

  20. HamSolo01
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    16 August 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey all

    I'm feeling pretty sh*t atm

    had to do some psychometric testing for that same grad role.. i dont even think i did it at the right time so i might've butchered my chances before even starting.. ah well..

    I'm more worried about what I'm going to do with my life. Yes I know I am 23 but I just hate the thought of being stuck at home my whole life. Tutoring doesn't pay enough and I haven't got any money to pay tax. I'm really starting to regret my choices in life. Again I'm only 23 I know, but I hate the thought that I'm going to be stuck back at square 1 with my degree. I honestly can't see any hope at the moment...

    ... here comes the depression..

  21. BballJ
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    16 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    This is just a down day, things will come up again... I don't think you'll be stuck at home your whole life, you are working through your life, I don't think many people at 23 have their whole life sorted out and know what they are going to do with it for the rest of their existence.

    Wait until the results come in for the psychometric test, you might of done really well, it is common to think you did bad on a test as you starting running through each answer in your head and question it.

    Hopefully tomorrow is a better day for you.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  22. HamSolo01
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    17 August 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Jay

    You are right yeah, it's just that it feels pathetic at this point. I almost feel guilty. Guilty that i dont have enough money. I feel like a loser.. probably because i am

    I'm gonna drive to uni today to see a mental health seminar. Then i am gonna go to a cafe near uni i like for lunch. Do some reading while i am there.

    Im not doing anything today so i figured i might as well. Beats sitting around home. I could go to the gym but i cant do much when im this depressed.

    I know i have failed the psychometric test because i was guessing a heap of them. It feels like i should know them. They are not meant to be easy but i dont think that means i have to guess it... god its depressing.

    Anyway. Thats my plan for today. Just exercising a bit of freedom. Because why not

  23. Quercus
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    17 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Sorry to hear you've gone downhill but I'm glad to see you're making plans to keep you busy. These feelings will pass this is a bad day just go back through your thread and read and confirm to yourself that it does pass and this is the depression speaking.

    You're being extremely hard on yourself HamSolo01. It is shit being broke but isn't that part of life as a uni student? Go ask around I'm sure the students who don't have family to live with are in the same position. I know being a uni student meant there were days I didn't eat so you're doing pretty well if you're able to go out for lunch my friend 😊.

    As to work...you start at the bottom and work your way up. You're expecting so much of yourself but the reality is you're not pathetic at all just totally normal 😊. And being harsh on yourself! Consider this...I'm 32, I don't use my degree and am applying for jobs as a cleaner. Am I pathetic? Would you judge me as hard as you judge yourself? I don't think so. I think you'd go well she has a MI and an autoimmune disease and two kids to support and she's doing the best she can. So how about giving the same kindness to yourself??

  24. BballJ
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    17 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I am yet to meet a 23 year old with all their financial situations sorted out, I know many people who haven't sorted it out until their early 30's.. there is no time on when things have to be done by, it all happens in time... I know it's not what you want to hear but it is the truth.

    How did the rest of your day work out anyway? How was the mental health seminar?

    My best,

    Jay

  25. HamSolo01
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    19 August 2017

    I'm done with this holiday plan for the end of the year. Bloody waste of time. Nothing good on offer because everyone apparently wants to go at the same time and we can all just put our lives on collective pause.

    I'm just angry and annoyed at the moment. At myself and the world. I don't care anymore. I'm sick of depression and anxiety and wish I could just man up and get a job and make money and actually enjoy my life. But I always have to find something wrong with it. Something has to be wrong. It always is. Why can't things just work. Work and not screw up.

    I'm just gonna be some sad loser. I already am. No one cares for me. I mean my family do which is good dont get me wrong. But why should I bother with any of this really...

  26. Quercus
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    20 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Hmm you've really got the intimidating anger going today. I'm almost worried to reply thinking I'll say the wrong thing. But I'll say it anyway....what's with the pressure you put on yourself about money and work?

    Yes money makes life a hell of a lot easier but you don't have to put your life on hold just because you're strapped for cash. And you do have a job tutoring. Ok so maybe it's not what you had in mind for yourself but give yourself a break please. The standards you're setting for yourself are so high.

    Once I cared what people thought about me using my degree. About my job and how people viewed me. Then I could barely walk. And I wanted to die all the time but couldn't because I had children to care for. And I felt like my whole world had been ripped out from under me at 30 years old. It puts things in perspective.

    Take a deep breath HamSolo01 and remind yourself of the techniques you use to get through the lows and manage your anger. These bad days will pass. And when you're in a better space you'll see all the alternative options. Ok so US over Xmas is busy and expensive.... So when is a quiet time? The earlier you book tickets the cheaper it is so ok maybe it won't be December maybe it will be March? In the meantime what are you doing to help yourself feel good? Been for a walk lately? Hit the gym? Find a quiet lawn area in the sun and read? Go for a bike ride with a friend. Doesn't have to cost much. Just get out and enjoy something.

    Please take care of yourself HamSolo01.

    1 person found this helpful
  27. BballJ
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    20 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I know you're having a patch of bad days but you always come out of these and look at them in such a good perspective, the storm will pass. Remember you did get a job, you got the tutoring job... you already ahead with that, tutoring is what you are good at, you are good at helping people.. that is a character trait not a lot of people actually have.

    My best,

    Jay

  28. HamSolo01
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    21 August 2017 in reply to BballJ

    hey guys

    i had a pretty sh*t saturday but an okay sunday. I went to a convention yesterday with a couple of friends and some others. It was all anime and such, not something I'm into but i really liked the art there. I think it motivated me to find art as a form of therapy.. weird hey. They had a section where you could draw and i did a bit.

    Going yesterday also motivated me to look for something like that for star wars fans. Might as well look for something.

    The money scenario is bugging me though. Tutoring simply is not enough and im not happy just sitting idly by waiting for something to happen. This was my logic in applying for the bookstore earlier this year but at that point in time i hadnt worked through a lot of my anxieties. Thats all there is to it. No point regretting it.

    I think the best thing now is to leave it where it is. The students i have already dont seem to be showing interest in tutoring anymore. Idk why. I cant be bothered trying to motivate them because i feel like im not motivated myself. I dont see value in many things because ive tried and failed too much. I just need to be smart.

    Im depressed today but i just need to work through it. Gonna book in my psych too. I have a new ESL student ill be meeting at uni so thatll be cool. And i have a group interview on wednesday for the phone centre at uni to call alumni to get their money into the uni donations lol. Thatll be something different i guess.

    Im still depressed that i havent got plans for post uni. Travel wont be enjoyable until i have a plan because i will spend my time worrying too much. Its annoying that depressiok just makes me so unmotivated. i need motivation in order to get anything done in life. Its such a catch 22... sucks.

    I hate psychologists that tell me i should be happy and young and free and all that. Im depressed for gods sakes... and im probably too smart for my own good. Uni is hell because im alone. Life is hell because im alone. Im just exhausted and running on empty everyday.. But i have no choice

  29. james1
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    21 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    It sounds like yesterday was nice.

    What do you think helped you about the convention? It sounds like that was able to break the pattern you later in your post described as not being motivated.

    Sorry, I'm not ignoring the rest of your post. I can see your day today's not looking good, but it seems like you're trying to get yourself going? So I wonder if we can think about what worked yesterday, and why it's not working on days like Saturday or even today.

    James

  30. BballJ
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    21 August 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Glad your Sunday was better, it's good you realised that the day was better than Saturday... that is part of the key to recovery I think. I think it's good you found the art interesting in the anime.. as mental health sufferers we find things that soothe our minds in the most unlikely of places.

    I am glad to read you are booking your psych again, you do seem a lot better after you see them. I understand the issues with the tutoring as well and motivating others can be tough when you struggle to motivate yourself but I think you find peace in helping others which if you're anything like me, helps me when I help others.

    Hopefully the job comes through at uni for the call centre. I know making plans can be anxious and worrying especially regarding travel but I think once you make them it will give you something to look forward too and something to aim for.

    Hopefully you have a good week.

    My best,

    Jay

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