Hi HamSolo01,

I like what Jay said about seeing your psych (hmm Jay first on CMF's thread and now here... you keep reading my mind 😊).

Time to check in with the psych and get some help to back on track. Check your meds, regroup and keep trying. This will pass but maybe it will help to ask for support until it does.

I keep meaning to ask you what came of the group therapy? Have you kept up with it? If not why don't you go back it helped last time you went.

Right. Well money is an ongoing theme. So what are you doing about it? Have you applied for any more jobs? I'm only being harsh because this sounds like me... I get ideas and then stop trying and get angry and frustrated at myself. So pick yourself up HamSolo01 and keep trying please. You have plenty to skills to offer but you've got to put yourself out there first. Don't worry about what the job is just focus on getting something to practice building your confidence.

Art therapy sounds great by the way. Are you any good? Any chance of selling your work?

Hmm sorry I'm not much help today. Am not feeling great but maybe I just need sleep.

Please keep your head up HamSolo01 and keep trying. You'll get through this.

Hey guys.

thanks again

My degree is causing my anxiety to flare up because i dunno what i can do with it...
its too late for me to swap to anything else because ive nearly finished. I still hate the fact that i have seemed to have left a lot of my career planning til the last minute. But then again i guess this is just what depression and anxiety can do. Best do it now because i have time. Time is still on my side.
By the end of the week ill have a better idea over the financial situation i am in. My parents keep saying that its no big deal but i disagree. I need SOMETHING on my resume and i need money to be able to afford things i like and that i enjoy. I feel like a failure otherwise and i know i am capable. I won't save much because i wont be earning much but thats okay at this point. I guess my plan at this point is a basic level of money and to start researching internships again. Even graduate roles. Its really hard because it requires effort when i am exhausted but i guess thats life. Plus i am slowly starting to discover im not all that bad at social situations.
Part of acceptance and commitment therapy is just accepting my depression and anxiety for what it is and then getting on with my day. So far I have been able to do that. But lately it just caught up with me.
Yesterday i came up with an idea to do a tesol and then teach english as a second language. Just as a back up/safety net between graduating and finding internships/graduate roles.

I think i might pursue postgrad overseas too in which case i will need to finish my degree well. I dont think i will have great marks but they coulda been so much worse if i didnt knuckle down last year. Im glad i did :)

Tonight i have a social event at uni that is hosted by a political party i joined. Should be interesting. Its a debate. But also a speech by someone from the current govt. I find im starting to understand where i stand politically.

I think i can put myself in 5th gear too. By week's end ill have a basic income figured out because i have a phone interview today for a tutor college ive applied for. Im gonna suss it out and make sure they have students for me and ill figyre out how much i earn. I cant short sell myself. Then i have the new esl student on thursday and then i have the uni phone centre interview tomorrow. Its all just about making plans and sticking to it. I have to ignore people mouthing platitudes as well - thats a big part of it

Well the phone interview was a waste of time. The lady told me that I 'wasn't the typical type of tutor we hire' because my ATAR wasn't high enough. Then proceeded to tell me that ATAR's were not the be all and end all. Evidently they are from a business perspective. That's how the market operates in the tutoring industry. Sad but true. I told this to my mum and she said that there would be a risk that I could get underpaid compared to other tutors. It's frustrating because I know that I'm an alright tutor but I just doubt my own abilities based on the fact I didn't get a good ATAR result. Everytime I tutor I feel like I am ripping the kids off. Then I just hate myself. I think I've determined from this that tutoring is now over for me. I knocked back the offer because of this. Bloody ridiculous. It's really not something I'm all that passionate about anyway - teaching on the other hand could be. So that's a potential pathway. More capacity to bring about change I suppose? Anyway. Tutoring is a no go. I have signed up with a new company already and I will leave it there. Might consider doing English as a second language teaching though. I feel like that'd be better. The lady also said that my approach to next year after uni was not good. I'm being realistic though. Graduate roles are competitive and it's brutal so I'm not going to sit about and 'be positive'. I need to make plans and set them in motion. I'm doing it but it's hard. Really hard. Feels like I'm getting nowhere.

I feel like "wasted potential" is my middle name. It just keeps happening to me. I'm so done with myself.

I just feel down atm is all. Just in regards to every aspect of my life actually.

I guess I just have to suck it up princess.

It's not like I was relying on tutoring and it was my life's goal. It's just it feels like I could've done good with it. But it's too hard to compete in a market with people with high ATARs and I have a group interview for the call centre at uni tomorrow anyway.

So my life isn't over. It's just it feels like I've wasted time. I'm really good at that I guess. Graduate roles will not come through I don't think (because of how competitive it is) so I have to make long term plans.

I hate this sh*t I really do.

@Quercus The group therapy is once a month. The next one is this thursday but I will miss it due to a careers event. I feel like the careers event will be a waste of time. Thanks though :) I appreciate your words of help.

Hey mitch,

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so disheartened by the interview. It's your decision to make whether you pursue tutoring or not, but I am sad to hear that you felt so down by what she said that you felt like you had to knock back the offer. If you're really not passionate about tutoring those kids, I understand that. I just hope you're not too discouraged based on a mark which, honestly, measures very little about teaching potential or even intelligence. I think you're very well qualified to tutor based on your communication style and focus.

I get what you mean about the graduate roles are competitive.

I actually got a graduate role at a major bank and let me give you a little secret: not everyone who got in is a straight HD student. I was in the low distinction range, and I only did a three year degree compared to everyone else who did 5 year law degrees with honours and went on conferences etc.

The reason why I got in was basically luck and determination. I backed myself to be able to compete intellectually against HD students even though they got better marks, and because I backed myself, I put my name in the lottery. Turns out my name got drawn.

So I guess my point is it sounds like you've shut a few doors and looked at other doors. This is all fine and part of the natural course of job searching, but like you said in your previous message, you need to make sure you're not short selling yourself.

You have your talents and you can totally punch above your ATAR's weight. If you put yourself out there enough, you'll get lucky. But if you limit yourself to what you think your ATAR says, that's a lot of doors that get closed automatically.

Hope the event tonight goes well. I went to a few of them and we have John Hewson speak once. That was pretty fascinating.

James

Hey James

thanks

im really down lately.... sucks

thought i was getting better.. apparently not

everything is just so dull and i hate it.. i try to make it interesting..

i simply just have no energy or enthusiasm for anything..

im at uni now and i dont give a sh*t... so impersonal..

i have an interview this arvo so hopefully im okay for that..

Hey mitch,

You've sounded pretty exhausted by everything. Will you have much of a break over this weekend?

Sometimes I find it helpful to plan for nothing on the weekend then just let my instinct guide me. If I feel like going for a walk, I'll go for a walk. If I feel like sitting down and listening to music, that's what I'll do. The key is that with nothing planned, I can do whatever I want.

James

Hi HamSolo01,

I'm sorry I didn't reply earlier was in a pity party of one and feeling pretty rubbish too. It passes. Just try hold onto that and distract yourself however you are able. I like James' idea of going for a walk. Even better if you go with someone so they can keep you out of your own head for a bit. Have you hit the gym lately?

How you're feeling about careers isn't unusual I think. It is hardest to build yourself up and do the sales pitch required for jobs when you don't feel good about yourself. So ask for help. Look at the selection criterias and potential questions and ask your family to try help you find examples. You have skills. Regardless of your work experience there are skills you can offer you've just got to sell them. Once you have a foot in the door your career will begin. It will happen! The first job is always the hardest I find.

Look at me for example I struggled to find work out of uni and confidence was rock bottom yet when I found a job I truly wanted I got a position (there were over 5000 applicants) I think simply because I was enthusiastic and reasearched and prepared with examples. I remember sitting and practicing for interviews and preparing for the medical. I was passionate about the job and it showed.

It will happen HamSolo01. Just keep trying please. I know you dislike the throwaway comments.... Like it will happen and you're so young but they are true. It doesn't feel like it when you are in such a low mood because it is hard to feel hopeful. But we have a little insight into who you are and are hopeful and confident for you mental illness and all 😊.

Good luck with the interview HamSolo01. Just think they gave you an interview so there are skills they have noticed already.

hey guys

i feel a bit more positive now thanks to your help and also what i learned in class this morning

learned about Alexis de Tocqueville.. An early polotical theorist from the 1800s. It was interesting to hear how when he started writing about America, he argued that in order to establish his neutrality as a spectator he had to accept his origins and who he was. He was born at the end of the French revolution and before American democracy stsrted. So he was in the middle of 2 key historical events. This is controversial because often in political sciences one needs to rid themselves of any subjective bias in order to make their argument credible and stand up to scrutiny. But Tocqueville did something different. He established who he was and when he was born in order to argue that he was the ideal commentator on the matters at hand. Its a bit like if each one of us were asked to give an independent account of "our own life". The best person who could do that would be our own selves. Who else could possibly write about the most intimate and closely gaurded parts of our life..

Somehow this made me feel better. I guess it has given me a new sense of self importance. In a similar way, I need to establish myself and realise who I am before I look at things in life independently. Trying to establish what to do in life won't come by until I have a better sense of self. This is what Tocqueville did and I guess it paid off for him.

So it was a cool little bit of history that helped me when I needed it.

I think a big thing that will help me will be making some plans.

I have plan A: accept a graduate offer of employment

plan b: use my tesol (which i am going to look at doing very soon) to work and earn some money teaching english and maybe tutor a bit too

plan c: postgrad in the usa

plan b and c could work together i guess but idk.. early days..

Hey mitch,

Oh boy that sounds like a fascinating class. I remember doing a political philosophy subject once (I was doing a philosophy and politics double major at the time) and from an academic point of view, I can see how his views would've been super controversial at the time. But yes, from a modern historiography perspective, of course it makes total sense nowadays.

In philosophy, we have two branches - epistemology and metaphysics - which deal with the fundamental questions regarding knowledge and the nature of things. Both rely on reducing massive questions like who am I, to Descartes' famous question: do I exist, and what is human? Even though it seems pointless to many people, it's hard to get anywhere without a foundation.

It sounds like you're trying to apply the same principle to your understanding of life. First you need to understand you, because any of your knowledge of life is experienced through you. You can't take a good photo without understanding how the camera and lens themselves work.

It's wonderful to see you trying to put some plans in place. Just remember they're not the only possibilities out there - just the ones you're looking at right now. And plans will change, but it's always nice to have them there :)

James

Hi HamSolo01 (waves to James too),

So how did the interview go? I'm glad to see the class picked you up. Strange isn't it how we can feel awful and then something distracts us and breaks the cycling thoughts.

I like how you have plan a, b and c. How about making more? Like James said give your self more options.

Hope the interview was alright.

well i didnt get the job...

didnt even feel like i got a chance to rehearse when i was there...

Hate my anxiety and depression... idk why i bother with anything really..

Now i have to go to a networking event while depressed..

you know what im sick of? trying. I been doing it enough. I'm sick of it.

I'm going to end up failing horribly...

I coulda done that job too.. i was ready for it.. actually enthusiastic..

probably because of my age or something..

now its just stressful and annoying.. i dunno why i bother in all honesty... no one takes me seriously and i just keep failing at everything...

its only 1 job i failed at getting but its just depressing because it keeps happening.. then everyoe thinks i must be fine..

THIS is what depression and anxiety have done...

Hey HamSolo01,

I'm sorry to hear about the job. I'm not going to irritate you by saying just keep trying cos I'm in a hole today too and it is shit.

Personally I'd say stuff the networking and go ask a mate to see a movie with you. Or challenge your Dad to shots or something (don't laugh I did that and failed miserably).Take the night off and just ignore work for a while.

Maybe this isn't helpful to you but thats my plan tonight anyway. Surprise hubby with a nice dinner I'm cooking, put the kids to bed and then relax. Maybe a movie. Maybe a run and bath. Nothing but stuff for me.

Take care of yourself tonight work will wait.

hey quercus

thanks for you suggestions

im just really fed up at myself and im going nowhere....

i wish i had the confidence people expected me to have and im sick of feeling like a dork that people think i clearly am... all this built up frustration comes from not being able to progress in my career life, social life and financial life - i know i have the potential to but it's just not working.. and i really can't be bothered trying anymore.

I'm basically done. Age has nothing to do with it. I'm afraid the horse has bolted and that's all there is with me. I'll just be some single loser dork for the rest of my life and then I'm done forever.

Tonight was a CLASSIC opportunity to network and i just couldn't do it. I hate having potential to do things with my life and get places but not having the ability to do anything about it due to my anxieties and depression. All these psychologists are useless.

I made myself an early grey tea and then I'm going to bed after this.

I posted up on SANE forums too (same username I use here) if you want further information... these two forums are better than any bullcrap the psychologists tell me about... to think i even sacrificed going to the group therapy this evening to go to that stupid careers thing... it woulda been worth it had i actually tried to network..

I'm sick of seeing couples embracing in the streets, I'm sick of seeing people be happy... I'm not happy and I'm not liking anything and it's bringing those around me down.. it's why I've been excluded... because people are shallow... I hate all this stuff... I try to do stuff and nothing happens... everyone just mouths platitudes and i've had enough.

Time to become a recluse.

I have no money (200 bucks) and I do lousy tutoring. I also 'study' part time.

My psychologists are wasting their time and my folks are wasting their money.

I'm sick of posting on here. Soaking up tragedy..

Hi HamSolo01,

I have just caught up on all your posts from the past few days and will just speak based off your last one. It seems in life that the hardest people on us, are ourselves. We feel there is this outside pressure to live up too that we almost double the pressure and put it on ourselves and pretty much say we must live up to it or else we are deemed a failure. I know you got rejected from the job and I know it sucks, I have been there as well, you almost talk yourself into the fact you will get the job because you know deep down you are the perfect candidate for it but then they take the wind out from under you and say you were not successful, I was at the same point you were at in my early 20's as well so I can understand the feelings you have and almost feeling like no understands but believe me, I do. I don't have the magic piece of advice for you that doesn't sound cliché but you have to keep going and keep pushing on and keep applying for jobs you like.

I don't think the psychologist are wasting their time, you have done so well with seeing them and have come a long way in your recovery weather you think it or not. These set backs like not getting that job or not getting a date with someone.. that's apart of growth, I am trying my best not to be cliché but it is quite hard. Think of it this way, you got the interview which some people don't even get that opportunity, that is a learning curve for you, yes it wasn't successful but you earned some interview experience and that is quite valuable for future job considerations, sometimes asking the interviewer why your were not successful is a good idea. I remember my first job interview, I arrived with a tie that wasn't done properly and my top button not done up, the interviewer said I was too young and that I needed to present better. I took that advice into every job interview I have had since and I believe it has helped.

We are always here to help you and give advice so please keep posting.

My best,

Jay

Hi HamSolo01,

Wow your last post struck home. Just today I wrote a post which was just as angry and tired and frustrated and hopeless and over it. What do you have in place to manage your anger? Have you spoken to the psych (I'm with Jay please give them a chance) about this?

Right well I'm just going to say this. It's not nice but it needs to be said. I don't think people leave you out because they think you're a dork HamSolo01 (you're not a dork), I think they are intimidated. When you're angry like this it is uncomfortable to be around because you lash out and knowing what to say without upsetting you is difficult. My psychiatrist said when I lash out it's not a conscious action but I stop people from helping me by doing this. Read your last post HamSolo01 are you able to see how aggressive it could be seen?

When I get like this my plan is manage the anger and stuff everything else. How are you supposed to see any positives or accept support if you are raging at the world? Your anger is a valid feeling. But not helpful to you. All it does is push people away (self sabotage).

I find writing is good when I'm mildly angry but not enough when I feel rage. Rage needs a physicaI outlet for me. I run on the crosstrainer every evening just to regularly burn off some steam but if I'm angry I run for as long as I need to. I find meditation etc makes me angrier when I'm like this so action is needed. Do you have a technique that works for you?

I hope you feel a little better after some sleep. Please take care of yourself HamSolo01 and keep writing if you feel able.

i only ever get angry on here in writing or at home and i always end up crying... like last night

none of my "friends" see me angry and im only ever angry at myself not anyone else.. i just get really upset with myself for driving people away..

i repress it because it will drive peiple away otherwise.. but they leave anyway so it makes no difference

im annoyed i didnt get the job because i dont think they got a chance to see me practice and it woulda been good to do to help my self esteem.. meet new workmates.. im alone in life and work so clearly i deserve to be that way... god i hate my depression and anxiety..

im exhausted and sick of fake it til i make it... ive been faking it for 5 years and made it nowhere

all my other posts are dead to me now.. all that positivity was useless..

i am a dork and its clear.. i hate everything about me and i try to change it but its useless..

simply do not care anymore..

i have a class today then was planning on catching up with a friend but im not doing that now because im too upset and i have to save money.

Can you believe that? i have to avoid lunch with someone because i cant keep spending money.

Im in a great situation aren't i?

I hate myself and i feel like crying... i cant because i dont care...

Im not going to hospital because they just tell me i dont need to be there..

Specialists are useless wankers. Medication is useless on me.

I hate religion for this..

I'm going to wait til the end of the year and if nothing comes of grad offers then thats me.

Joining the dole queue to be scorned at by society.

Im sick of shallow positivity and stupidity.

Im sick of looking at everyone else and seeing how they are happy.

I am truly going nowhere despite the facade i put on.

Just want to fall asleep and never wake up

Hi HamSolo01,

Mitch. Deep deep breaths. You can get through this.

If you're not going to go to the hospital then you need to get on the phone with your psychiatrist and make an appointment. Yes you think the psychiatrist is useless but give them a go please. Yes it's a neverending cycle of shit but it takes trial and error to find something that helps you. That might not even be more medication. Maybe a different type of therapy?

Right. Now onto the "facade" you spoke about. I do this. Call it masks though. Psychiatrist said noone can help you if you don't show how you feel. He said I'm so worried about people leaving me that I carry on the performance. Bury my frustrations until they either explode because I've reached my limit or manifest as dark thoughts and hopelessness because I have too much hidden rage at myself to cope with anymore. The anger is scary yes and pushes people away but it is healthier to learn to manage it than to just bury and try to hide it.

Yes people will only tolerate what they are able to but the benefit of allowing people to see you for yourself warts and all is that the people who remain in your life and the new people who come into it are worth keeping. I have found people in my life are surprised by the anger I have previously hidden but they are pleased that I'm committed to managing it rather than hiding it.

So I ask again.... You are currently in a pit of self hate and anger and helplessness and hopelessness but what are you doing to help yourself?? Forget about money and work and sex and religion for a moment this is about your survival. If you want to live this rage and self hate has to be managed. So how are you going to do it? What can you do right now to help yourself? What helps you to calm down? Exercise? Sleep? Meditation? Deep breathing? Crying? Mindfullness apps? All of these? Then do it. At my worst moments the temptation to end things is not about me not wanting to live it's about me wanting my brain to just stop. To just stop thinking and worrying and raging.

I am worried about you. I'll be out today with the kids but will check on you later on ok.

Hi HamSolo01,

My reply is in moderation but I want you to know I have seen your posts and am worried about you. Please take care of yourself!

hey quercus

thanks again

you are helping :)

i came to uni early today as i had to

i ended up trying to do some work but wrote all that instead

it was 100% genuine

i got annoyed again and went and sat in the quad at uni. Its the really old part. I started writing more of that book/story im making. It was a way of processing the sadness. It was escapism.

What im writing is fiction but its based on real events both good and bad. Im trying to explore my own depression and anxiety in the context of university and transitioning into early adulthood.

Each friday ill be getting to uni early just because its easier. Im going to sit in the same place and write this story. I hope to have a draft done by the end of semester.

A core part of it is a young romance. I put myself in it but every character is fictitious based on real peoples' character traits. I feel like doing this will ground me better. It'll serve as a reminder of all the experiences i have over the past five years at uni. I realise uni has changed me for the good. Its allowed me to grow and change.

Today they are setting up for open day. On sunday. That same open day is the one i came to back year 12 during 2011. I remembered going to info lectures about what uni was like and what you did.

Capturing all this experience in a story will be awesome. I also believe itll be really therapuetic. Itll challenge the notion that ive 'wasted' 5 years of my life. On the contrary they have been filled with all sorts of memories and experiences. I think ill throw tragedy in there as well, just to make it real. Its a creative outlet.

Ive had a big week.

I need to rest.

Going home now to do nothing.

I also booked in to see the psychologist and psychiatrist next week

had an appointment up and coming with the psychiatrist anyway

Hi HamSolo01,

Good to come back online and see you are calmer, more focused.

Creative writing sounds like an excellent outlet. Hmm combines well with political studies too. Have you ever thought of doing study in that field? I love the idea of writing as a way to remind you of your experiences.

This week in therapy I was raging at the Psychiatrist about how I'm so angry to have wasted my time doing a degree I have zero interest in and will never use because I was too weak to stand up to my family and say no. His reply... was is it really a waste? There are so many skills to learn at uni and experiences that have nothing to do with the actual course. No matter what you have had worthwhile experiences. He has a point.

Anyway less waffling from me. Keep taking care of yourself HamSolo01 😊

Hi HamSolo01,

It does sound like from your last post that your Friday was a lot better for you and you made a little of a progress back to being happy which is great. The book sounds fascinating... the best stories I think come from one's own experiences, it can give it a very realistic approach. May I ask, are you writing it just for your own self or do you plan on one day maybe getting it published and releasing it? People find solace in stories like one you are trying to tell.

I know you have had a big week and I was glad to read you have booked in the psychologist and the psychiatrist as well, make sure you let them know everything that has been happening and don't hold back.

Have you got much plans on for the rest of the week?

My best,

Jay

hey

today i feel crap

upset and annoyed

sick of faking it til i make it...

im not happy..

no wonder im single..

why do i have to be such a wet blanket..

no wonder no one likes me

im sick of being told im great because it clearly counts for nothing

i give up

Hello Hamsolo,

Sorry about the delay in my response. It wasn't letting me post for some reason.

How are you today? It sounds like yesterday went pretty badly. Have you had much time to process stuff?

James

hey james

ive had a bit of time yeh

today i took it easy and then did some tutoring this arvo followed by my pschiatrist appt

was gonna go to the gym but decided against it because i was too angsty and depressed.. saved my energy for tutoring

im still upset but im coping a bit better

in waiting room for psych now

im just so sick of this

hello mitch,

That's okay if you want to save energy for tutoring. It can be exhausting having to battle your mental demons constantly.

Let us know how your psych session goes. Sounds like it could be a useful one to have.

James

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry about the delay inbetween my posts, like james1 it wouldn't let me reply last night.

It's good you were coping a bit better today and took some time off gym to just unwind and focus on the tutoring. How did all the appointments go with your psych's? Hopefully they were able to shed some light on how you have been feeling the past few days.

My best,

Jay

Hi HamSolo01,

How did you go with the psych? Im glad you gave it another go even if you aren't feeling like its helping.

I couldn't reply either but for some reason the BB cafe thread worked so I left you a shout out there. I hope that didn't embarrass you doing that though.

Hope to hear your appointment has helped.