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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. swtpotato
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    16 October 2017 in reply to james1

    hey mitch,

    I've been following a little bit, I think I get the general gist of what's going on. I'd like to get to know you more and help out :)

    Sounds like you've had a dip lasting a few days - getting worse by the weekend. It's exhausting, frustrating, confusing -- but you have gotten out of it many times before, and like others have said, have improved a lot over the time you've been here.

    Do you like the group therapy you go to? What are the things that have helped you from it (feel free not to answer no worries).

    Also, a lighter question, any thoughts on the new star wars movie trailer ?? (i'm sure you have plenty ;) )

    I enjoyed how much passion you have for those sorts of things. Question.. as a kid/young teen, were you really into pop culture/movies, tv? If so, what were you most into?

    m

    1 person found this helpful
  2. HamSolo01
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    17 October 2017

    Jay I haven't really spoken about this at length with my psych or with the group. I don't see the psych that regularly because it costs too much (150ish) and I have used up the MHCP rebates for the year. I have no form of income at the moment so basically I'm just trudging along and it makes me depressed. I keep feeling like I should be contributing and doing something for myself but then my anxiety just gets me all worried and hyped up over nothing. That's what happened over the weekend even when I had something planned. I was just nervous. It's because I can't fake it til I make it. I just hate that. I hate ego and I hate fakeness. It has to be real or else I'm not living my life. The irony is that I am not anyways... I think I will go "nowhere" if I don't do something about it. That's what I mean when I say I am going nowhere. Because I look at all the opportunities that have come my way over the past couple of years and just keep remembering what psychologists have told me about how my mental health will "ruin my life and hold me back". It's so incredibly frustrating. I have an essay due tomorrow which I made some progress on yesterday so that's good. Something to work with at least. I also want to make a start on another one due in 2 weeks. It's hard to find motivation to do any of that work when I am depressed and feeling like I am wasting away. I hate everything about myself. I just want to escape this body and move into a new one. One that isn't tall. One that isn't as easily noticeable. People feel like they can just comment on this stuff. Being called lanky and "lurch" is not fun let me tell you. I struggle with my body image as a result. I can't demand everyone around me not call me things because people never respond well to being told not to call someone something. I'm trying to put on muscle and weight but it seems like I just lose it. End up getting skinny and I always get a bad headache after I go to the gym but I still go anyway because if I don't then I end up worse off in the long run.

    See how depressed I am at my own situation? It truly sucks.

    This is why I feel like a loser. I always think about what other people must be saying about me. I would say it about me. I am embarrassed. I have group therapy this arvo so that might be good idk. It's hard when they are all older than me though. I thought it might be a good way to meet people dealing with similar but then they are all older than me. Makes it hard to talk about deep stuff....

  3. HamSolo01
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    17 October 2017

    Nat going around in circles is definitely just part of having a mental illness. What makes it worse however is when you know that it is happening and you don't what to do to stop it.

    I think I am trying to fight my Mental Illness tbh. It's because I feel like I shouldn't have it. I have it good in life by comparison. So why am I like this? It really annoys me. I think it's partly genetic tbh. Essentially yes, we do just have to manage it and I guess I have been a bit better at that lately.

    "If i could fix the circumstances in my life then I would be better". I feel like that is a mantra I have been trying to instill in my own life and it really doesn't work does it? But I guess when we are really depressed we start to sort of lash out at the world and this includes ourselves. We want to fix "things" in our life. I want to earn money and have self respect. I want to enjoy my 20s. I am 4 years into them and I have very little to go with. 6 years left and I have every reason to fear the future because I feel like my depression is holding me back (anxiety as well).

    I can't seem to see it. You are right Nat, I really can't. I don't believe I ever will. Perhaps that's just how it is? The reality is I will always find someone who is better off than I am. Always find someone who is happier. Saturday night was annoying, seeing my old school friend smooch up with his new gf while I just sat there on my phone. Prior to that I managed to last a couple of hours with the two of them. Felt like 3rd wheeling but I just stopped caring after a while. I really did end up caring. So I left. It was part of a bigger group of people and I tried to make conversation with the people there. But it was hard given that they were younger than I am. The girl I sat next to was cute and I tried talking to her but I just had no conception of pride or self respect. My friend was saying that apparently someone in the group is keen on me.. but I kept thinking about how I have no job and am pretty much going nowhere (similar to what happened last year with that date I was on). I start trying to improve how I look but I don't really do it to impress women or anything because I know I can't do that (given how crap my life is atm). I guess I do it for self respect. Pride and ego just don't exist in my life - how could they?

    I actually don't think I am doing fine. I have next to no money in the bank and am about to graduate. I am setting myself up for failure.

    Thanks for your help though :)

  4. HamSolo01
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    17 October 2017

    James I really like the analogy of the gym.

    The way I add weight? So lately I have been trying to go regularly (3 times a week) but that has proven difficult with different things happening and my moods screwing me up, sleeping patterns buggering up. Not being able to eat enough in the morning because I am not hungry also prevents me going to the gym, because I get woozy if I don't enough. I need the energy. Sometimes I have headaches when I wake up as well. They can get worse after I go to the gym. I look at photos of myself and hate how tall I am. I actually do hate it tbh. It's just annoying. It means I have to work twice as hard as the average male in order to put on weight. I look like a cuck...

    Anyways, I add weight when I can lift 40 reps (or similar depending on the exercise). For instance, I do the bench press (currently at 20kg) and I will be increasing that today actually to 25 probably. Because I can do 40 reps with that with not too much trouble. Lately I just needed to boost my attendance as it dropped off a bit back 3 weeks ago.

    This analogy is good though because it actually gets me thinking about how my mind is essentially the same. Basically it needs to be the same. I can't expect my mind to be able to "lift" or "tolerate" stronger experiences without preparation and building on what is there already.

    I guess I have been doing a lot of "mental exercise" lately. So in theory I have actually improved my mind's muscles. Never really think of it that way so that's good.

    I probably sound like a gym junkie but I'm really not. I am just trying to figure it out. I go for mental health at the end of the day. Nothing more. I have no ego so it's like I don't care. It's good though because I listen to podcasts when I am there - intellectually stimulating things. Sam Harris has a really good podcast actually. I find it's good to concentrate on actually. I hate the music they play at the gym... there are other songs than the top 40 on the charts. I swear everyone listens to that because everyone else does too... pathetic lol.

    Anyway, your analogy got me thinking which was good. Thanks for that :)

    I am planning on going to the gym shortly after writing up these so I guess I will be thinking of it that way too.

  5. HamSolo01
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    17 October 2017 in reply to swtpotato

    swtpotato thanks for your encouragement :)

    The group therapy has given me some perspective on my mental health. I don't think it's pure coincidence that the majority of the group are males actually. There seems to be a problem with that in our society. I'm guessing it has something to do with the perception that mental health is feminised (which in some cases it can be) but then it's not accurate to say that it is 'feminised', it's just that it is emotional in nature. Emotions are more commonly associated with women. I hate the phrase 'toxic masculinity' because what that actually refers to has nothing to do with masculinity and EVERYTHING to do with a toxic attitude towards the self, society and reality too I suppose. It's toxic. Women deal with it too... all it tells me is that it has nothing to do with masculinity or femininity (which are time and context dependent anyway). Sorry I had to rant there lol.

    Haha, yes I have many thoughts on the new star wars trailer. I already secured a spot with a friend and his group of uni friends to see it with. Last year I ended up seeing Rogue One on my own (Which was bittersweet) but then I saw it three times and one time was with a friend anyway. But yeh, I guess it reminds me of how I have had a bit of a problem with some people as I've grown up.. Then again Rogue One has a coming of age archetype to it (given that jyn erso basically has to grow up and fight for a cause that doesn't directly effect her) so it was good timing hey? lol.

    I think Rey will go to the "dark side" or maybe even the "grey side" in episode 8. Leia may die as well, omg did you see that bit where Kylo Ren is about to launch a missile? wtf lol... And then Rey is there with Snoke.. who by the way has some mad eyebrows.. have a look next time haha. The fight between Phasma and Finn looks awesome as well. So much stuff to soak up. The fight on Crait (the planet with the barron landscape and red dust) looks like it will be intense af as well. I'm really pumped haha. What did you make of it?

    As a kid I really like star wars (evidently). I also really liked Lego. My sister used to buy me it as a joke present haha. This year I asked her not to though and I ended up getting money which I put towards an xbox one (figured it was time to move away from pc because it is less nerdy haha) Got Fifa18 which is really fun. And I want to get star wars battlefront 2 as well. I had a nintendo 64 and ps2 as a kid. Were you into games that much as a kid?

    :)

  6. swtpotato
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    17 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    You have put a lot of thought into your replies, I appreciate it.

    A lot of what you have said resonates with me very strongly. I think I understand where you are coming from, as much as I can as a totally different person with only your posts to go on of course...

    "It's because I can't fake it til I make it. I just hate that. I hate ego and I hate fakeness. It has to be real or else I'm not living my life."

    I feel exactly the same. I think when you are depressed, or have this certain kind of social anxiety - you have a different part of the brain contributing to conscious thought. The one that can see the underlying meaning and insecurities driving some people's interactions. Do you feel like you can 'feel' the fakeness, or when someone is being disingenuous? This obviously makes it hard to interact with others. Are you over-aware of when you yourself are being 'fake'?

    I have a different perspective to this now I've recovered a bit. I am able to put on persona's now rather than be my vulnerable self all of the time. The persona's aren't fake, they are just an exaggeration of certain qualities I possess in order to play with the social interaction and make it more interesting/enjoyable. I don't feel fake anymore, it feels more like I am expressing another side of myself, which is just as authentic as my core emotional self. I think depression makes these other parts of you less accessible, but they still exist and are just another mode of interaction and connection with others.

    I still can tell if people are being actually fake, and I just avoid those people. If they don't also open their vulnerable side to others, or acknowledge it in any way, they are not worth my time.

    I have a lot to say about what you have written so I'll write multiple posts, hope you appreciate my rants...

    m

  7. swtpotato
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    17 October 2017 in reply to swtpotato

    following on---->

    "I just want to escape this body and move into a new one."

    I definitely hear you on this. Is this something you have felt for as long as you can remember? Or has it fluctuated or intensified at a certain age?

    I would recommend checking out the body image thread on the staying well section. I wrote something on there, I basically felt what you have felt, but also kinda the opposite (too small).

    You sound very distressed about everything happening at the moment - particularly about how you don't believe you have the 'right' to feel depressed about it all. Is this a significant thing you struggle with ? (everyone does, but I am asking if you think it is like a key issue you may think about more than others).

    Even though you have written a lot of negative things, like an uncontrollable compulsion, can't say something positive without dismissing it in the next sentence right? I don't believe that's 'you' speaking, I think it is the depression speaking 'through' you. Not something to try and stop, just something to be aware of. But you've also got a few positives in there:

    • Looking forward to group therapy. It sounds like overall it's been really helpful :)
    • Managing to make it to the gym regularly. This is really hard! Well done!
    • Recognising the mental exercises you've been doing and how that strengthens your resilience
    • Understand your own interests, dislikes etc. shows you are passionate and have a sense of who you are (something I notice, simply because I used to think I had no personality/opinions/interests = worth nothing, when I actually did at the time I just didn't count any of it)
    • Your whole post to me

    Which I'll comment on now...

    Mental health and toxic masculinity: I like your observation about it having nothing to do with masculinity at all. It's a good way to re-conceptualise it. It would help men to stop identifying with it just because it's 'masculine'. I agree emotions are mostly associated with women. But when we do express our emotions 'too much' people tend to perceive us as 'little girls' who need protection, and they become quite condescending. It goes for both genders: this idea that we cannot be emotional and vulnerable, and display agency and integrity at the same time. Which we certainly can. I think being vulnerable actually strengthens your agency and integrity - as you show acceptance of your faults, confront them, and become an agent of your WHOLE self, not just the strong/confident parts. (oh ran out of words)

  8. swtpotato
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    17 October 2017 in reply to swtpotato

    more rants!

    Also I am a fan of rants so rant all you like and I'll rant back.

    It does seem like rey will try see what it's like on the other side. I guess the second in each trilogy has to be pretty dark and a little demoralising for the good guys right? So it may all change in the 3rd movie. That's why I think it might be likely that Leia will die, but idk... to show that in the trailer? Maybe they want people to think that but then he won't do it. Something bad will happen to her though I think, she can't be in the 3rd movie as carrie fisher isn't around (so sad I'm going to read her autobiography sounds like a very tough interesting life).

    Maybe kylo ren and rey will switch places? like copying elements from the 6th movie. Actually... that might be a reason he DOES kill his mum, just so it doesn't predictably follow darth vader's redemption arc by refusing to kill luke. hmm. But the rey with snoke scene looks fun. I hope they don't over-exaggerate her abilities though, she does need SOME training at least in order to be better than literally anyone. But yeah it's an exciting trailer, I can be very cynical about movies if I care too much about what they do with the characters/plot just because I know I'll be disappointed as I overthink it and they usually go for the plot that will entertain the lowest common denominator (but also not really I'm just preparing myself to be disappointed so I'll enjoy it more!).

    I like how you know all the minor characters and the places in the star wars world. It must make it so much more interesting/exciting to watch when you know all the little details!

    I used to play ps2-4 as a kid but not seriously at all and only because my brother played. I love the star war games as you get to be so powerful they have more interesting moves than the movies aha. I mostly just played black ops zombies badly with a friend every now and then.

    I was more into tv shows e.g. game of thrones, doctor who, and firefly (love love love, which I had kind of forgotten about).

    hope your studying is going well...I should get back into mine and stop procrastinating

    m

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  9. BballJ
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    17 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Thanks for your reply to me, the insight was quite good and I read your responses to everyone as well. I don't know if I have ever said it but you articulate very well. Very good trait to have.

    We all know mental health is just a constant cycle and we forever feel like we are going round and round in it, we take a small step out of the cycle and feel we might on your stable ground soon only to swept back up into the cycle going round and round until we can reach another foot out onto the ground to try and get some stability in our life. Silly analogy but it is one way you can look at the mental health cycle.

    I understand the costs involved are a lot but have you been back to your GP to discuss what other options you have since you cannot afford the full fee currently due to your working status?

    Has anything come up about the jobs you were looking at? Prehaps the one your dad set up with someone in politics if I remember correctly?

    I know it is so cliché but you have to try and not let your situation define you as a person, it never should. I just wish I had the answer for you that would help ease your situation. All I know is that when you thinking positive, it can be so powerful and I have seen when you have an understanding and grip on everything that you seem more energetic and know you can battle this.

    My best,

    Jay

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  10. james1
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    18 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    Glad to hear the analogy helped you think about mental health a little bit differently :)

    I'm similar to you actually. I really struggle to put on weight. I used to row and I'd eat about 10 weetbixes with milk and fruit and nuts for breakfast. Then a sandwich and sausage roll for recess. A pie and foccacia for lunch. And dinner was always my biggest meal. After 2 years of doing that, I went from 55 to 58kg.

    Just for funsies, I kept up the same diet when I stopped rowing and you'd think that with the reduced exercise, my weight would go up. No. It went down to 56kg.

    So I think I'm perpetually stuck in the 56-58kg zone, lol. Literally nothing I do to my diet or exercise habits has changed that.

    Oh I have an xbox one too! I still play skyrim on it and recently picked up dragon age inquisition, but kinda not feeling it. I've had the various xbox's since they came out and I used to always play halo with one of my friends. I'm pretty sure we played through one of the campaign levels at least 20 times. I kinda miss that life, lol. nothing like chilling on a couch with a friend on the xbox :)

  11. HamSolo01
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    19 October 2017 in reply to james1

    Hey everyone

    Wrote this up before on the other forums

    Was an alright day. Had my psych in the night. Then was up finishing an essay which i have probably buggered up)
    Had 3 hours of sleep then woke up at 5 45. Took a medication and went back to sleep. So no gym today.. i can never go when i feel tired or have little energy.
    I have my assessment centre next week for that graduate program. Bit nervous about it. But today i feel really bad so im not gonna think about next week today.
    Just have to get through today.
    I always feel like i am getting nowhere in life. That i "should" be doing more. I feel guilty that i am at home today.
    I have about a month left in my degree. I think once i have done my last exam then i will put more effort into finding a job. Just as a 'thing to do' that soaks up the time.
    I keep remembering and thinking about what everyone else is doing. How they bfs or gfs.. and im just on my own.
    Such a crappy feeling today. I cant do much because i am headachey and stressed out.
    I feel paralysed.

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  12. james1
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    19 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch, if you're not feeling good today, then yeah best put aside the assessment centre from your mind for now. That's a good way to take care of yourself.

    Sounds like you're having a rough day. Comparisons with other people is always going to drain you because everyone else's life always looks better. You've probably heard of confirmation bias - well, I think it happens to a lot of people struggling with negative self image. We think we're worse, and so that's all we see.

    Did you know that in the 2011 census 24% of households were single? And what about those in unhappy relationships? We don't see that.

    And how about the poor people stuck doing manual jobs, wishing they could get a uni education? Sure, they have a job, money, maybe a partner and friends to have a beer with. but they want more.

    Point is comparisons will always drag you down. Think about what you're doing:

    - you're learning new skills at uni (tbh the actual content is often pretty useless, but the skills are useful)

    - you're keeping physically healthy

    - you're in touch with your emotions

    - you're actively trying to build a better life for yourself

    - you're not compromising on your values and actually working them out too

    I think if you were to ask any of your friends whether this is something they'd want, they'd probably say yes.

    Instead, they might be more like me. on the full time work train towards a mid-life crisis. Choo choo!

    I think you know you're on the right path. You've said so yourself a few times. Just gotta hang tight some days and bunker down.

    James

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  13. HamSolo01
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    19 October 2017 in reply to james1

    hey james

    thanks for your help

    that statistic is interesting to me.. i had no idea that 24% of households were single

    it seems like people are lonely now more than ever... but that still doesn't really offer much in the way of condolences

    i am really freaking out and getting very depressed today.. i have to go to the shops to get a new suit for the assessment centre next week and my friend is coming over to validate the passport photo i need

    but all these things are just being ticked off a list... nothing else

    i submitted a body pic to a fitness website too and they told me i looked okay but needed to do more weight training.. something i could've figured out myself though.. i don't really care for putting on weight yet.. at least not until i have other parts of my life figured out (namely what I am going to be doing next year) but then I will still keep going and trying to increase weights and such

    today i played a bit of xbox but progressively got worse and also played pc

    i have 0 motivation to look for odd jobs and work but i might try it now through the uni site

    i also want to improve my social life because i feel like i am too dependent on pre-existiing friendships and they can go stale or overused too

    i was going to go to a meetup last sunday but bailed last minute because i was too tired

    I don't have much self respect left because i dont see why i should bother

    i lose my appetite and can't eat much which means i don't have enough energy at the gym which means i can't put as much weight on...

    i can't stand living life like this because I am only just surviving and not living..

    part of me doesnt want to finish uni because its a reminder of how i might've wasted my time..

    i can't handle this world anymore... i really can't

  14. BballJ
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    19 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I feel for you, I can see how much of a tough cycle you always find yourself in and you come out of it with flying colours and get slowly dragged back down, the mental health dog is just pulling at your leg. You're such a good person and I just wish I had the perfect piece of advice to offer you to make you feel better.

    I understand everything you are saying but I want to point out that graduating from your course should be such a proud moment for you. Like I have said before, not many people can finish their courses and the fact you have is awesome and you should hold your head high.

    May I ask, if you had one goal to achieve by the end of the year, what would it be? Curious to know.

    My best,

    Jay

  15. Quercus
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    20 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Wow! Outpouring of support. That is really lovely to see. Sorry I have been a bit absent.

    Swt Potato had some really good points about your body image. Did you end up checking out the thread? I keep worrying about how much emphasis you place on gaining weight. On your height. Do you enjoy going to the gym? For fun?

    I hate the gym. Probably because the ex would drive me there and say walk home afterwards you need the exercise. And he would monitor my weight. Only recently have I started enjoying exercise for me. Just to feel good. To play music and relax. To expend angry feelings. If the gym doesn't make you feel good about yourself why do it?

    You seem really angry and frustrated at being single. I wonder if you notice that you're self sabotaging again?

    You talked about going out with a couple... Who is going to try talk to you if you are angry and ignoring everyone for your phone?

    Or the girl in your group who likes you... Whoever told you about her was giving you the easiest set up ever. Find out who and ask her out. You know she'll say yes. You'll have a date for the weekend with someone you are comfortable to talk to. She already knows you're awkward and inexperienced and likes you anyway.

    So why have you not asked?!? Self sabotage right there my friend!!

    Next time you start worrying about not having anything to offer anyone consider this... Is that really your choice to make? Isn't it up to a partner to decide what they like about you?

    Can I ask if you will go back and read your whole thread? All of it. It is a facinating read. I've noticed you ignore a lot of questions Mitch 😊. Seriously... Check it out.

    That's ok. You choose what makes you comfortable. But it is interesting. You change topics. Direct the conversation elsewhere. You're smart so the topics are interesting... We forget to notice you haven't answered the question. But it's self sabotage. I realised for all the posts I don't really know much about you.

    You have many people who have made it very clear they value what you have to say. Want to know more. Find you interesting and worth knowing. But you answer what you choose to and haven't really let anyone in to know you.

    I can't help but wonder if you do that offline too?

    Oh dear. I'm really hoping this doesn't make you angry. But the mum in me says you need a kick in the butt. Self sabotage! You're doing it too. Stressless gave me my kick in the butt earlier today....

    Your turn now. Sorry in advance 😊

    Nat

  16. HamSolo01
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    20 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey all.

    Nat you might be onto something there. The self sabotage is something I have noticed i do. But that is part of social anxiety i guess. I just accept it for what it is. In a lot of ways I dont care because the more i care i the more i have found it harder to deal with. I just leave it alone.

    In relation to that girl? well for a start she's only 18. I dont really feel comfortable doing that. Just a thing i have. She's younger than my sister for gods sake. Her older (i think older) sister is the one i was talking to a little bit. But i found it hard. It's just really hard to try to be in the moment. Considering i wasn't really keen on going at all i think i did a good enough job.

    But i cant date at the moment because im not happy with where i am at. I struggle to enter pre established groups. But i just dont care anymore tbh. I am content with myself and doing my own thing even if it bugs me. I go when im invited because its the only way i will improve.

    Uni is nearly done and people are stand off ish. Always have been. I have friends from uni which is good. Ones that i share stuff with. So i count my blessings.

    I guess i always twist the conversation as a form of aversion. Because i dont like my reality? if that makes sense.

    And i dont know for sure if she likes me and i dont really care. Things always end up apeshit anyway. Potentially ruining friendships.

    The reality is the only thing i have to offer anyone is depression and anxiety. They are not fun. When i have no money and no proper sense of purpose other than "degree" im really not rated high enough on the scale. But i gues i am actually starting to accept that. And i a basically just using the freedom i have at the moment for the next month to enjoy myself. I will worry about work after i finish uni.

    I have my assessment centre day next wednesday. Need to be well rested for that.

    I go to the gym to.maintain a baseline fitness. Its good for mental health. If i dont go my arms turn to beanpoles and i hate the look. I used to be very skinny but hated it. Thats why i go. Going is better than not going basically.

    tbh nat you havent upset me, but you've made me think. That isnt a bad thing. Its just uncomfortable.

    I have noticed i do it a lot.. steering the conversation that is. I think i must do it in real life. I blame my dad lol.. lawyer..

    i think i will find a gf one day.. just need to graduate and get on a bit in life.

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  17. HamSolo01
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    20 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01
    really not feeling good right now
  18. Quercus
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    20 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Sorry I made you feel uncomfortable. I wasn't trying to. Was just trying to shake you out of comments like this...

    The reality is the only thing i have to offer anyone is depression and anxiety

    You know thats complete BS right?

    Jay and James and Swtpotato and I don't keep writing because we feel sorry for you... We write because you have interesting things to say.

    We want to know more. Because you have plenty to offer others. You just can't see that right now... your self view is warped. Bloody depression. You're ok.

    How are you holding up? What are your plans to self care till this passes?

    Nat

  19. HamSolo01
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    21 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey nat

    i just dont feel like i have anything to offer...

    i don't really have self esteem tbh.. more like a self-push mechanism that occasionally works

    I am also sick of people... i need more friends or new ones but it's just hard because people must categorise me into a certain type of person

    i avoided potential calamity by organising to see episode 8 of star wars already with a friend whom i have been speaking to about it for ages.. last year i missed out on seeing rogue one because i was apathetic and sure enough found out the friend who i saw other movies with didn't invite me.. i'm not on people's radar basically..

    i hate that.. because it feels like i dont matter

    this is usually when i start to get suicidal and upset... but then i just remember that suicide isn't really a solution to anything and it's also a way out that can't be undone.. plus the damage it will have on my family (specifically mum, dad and sister) is way too much to think about..

    it's more like i would be "better off" dead as oppossed to want to be dead.. if that makes sense? that's usually the case.. but then other times it can get a bit much and i actually start thinking of wanting to die... but that's suicidal ideation i guess isn't it ?

    I have struggled to go to the gym today and all this past week. I am trying to go tomorrow but I honestly just feel so lethargic and done with things. I haven't got an appetite either. Food puts me off. That's not normal for me.

    My meds have increased a bit and I think this might be effecting my hunger I don't know?

    I'm getting so desperate that I kind of just don't care anymore..

    I still feel alone in all of this..

  20. Quercus
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    22 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    This stood out....

    I haven't got an appetite either. Food puts me off. That's not normal for me.

    "Not normal for me" is one of my warning signs. Time to go see the doc or psychiatrist and be blunt. No appetite. No energy. Not sure what's going on but it isn't normal for me. Have you got an appointment soon?

    i'm not on people's radar basically.. i hate that.. because it feels like i dont matter

    Yeah I pretty much wrote the same on my thread this week (psychiatrist that I see every week called me someone else). I got the kick in the butt I needed to get out of the pity party but I get it.

    I read somewhere that we try so bloody hard to build self esteem and then we get exhausted and crash. I understood that. The book recommended to not try so hard to change just to aim to accept what is. Part of me felt it's a load of BS but the other that has slowly been trying to accept my many many flaws feels there might be something to it. What do you think?

    By the way ... it doesn't help but hubby is always reminding me people are inherently self absorbed. So where you feel like you're invisible they probably are just too caught up in their "stuff" to even realise how it impacts you. Doesn't help I know but I like to remind myself it isn't purposeful. And that they probably do care... They're just having a "me" moment. And that's ok. We're all human huh.

    Do you find the SI creeps in when you're past exhausted? I do. On those days I alter my safety plan. Skip the distractions and either sleep or choose something that takes zero energy. Do you think maybe you're pushing yourself too hard? Yes the gym is healthy but not when you're exhausted. Would you consider swimming laps or just going for a walk? It is ok to have times when you're just shattered and want to sleep. If it keeps up it's a worry but everyone crashes now and then I think.

    I hope you enjoy seeing your movie when it comes out. I'd try comment but seeing as I thought Chewbacca's name was Julie my opinion is worth squat 😊.

    Take good care of yourself please.

    Nat

  21. HamSolo01
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    22 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    good morning nat

    i have a bit of an appetite this morning but its not strong..

    i am really just done with caring so much about getting better..

    tomorrow i have uni class in the morning then if my moods allow me i will focus on applying for a coupld of jobs advertised through uni. I also need to start an essay due in a week that i was hoping to make a start on with the lecturers help. But with one week left it doesn't look good.

    I don't care about that tbh.

    I'm so over waking up thinking there is no point to my life or that its boring etc.

    these are hard times..

    walking bores me and i worry people will see me.. people who i once knew well...

    i just feel really empty and or bored as well as anxious and depressed.. such a crap combo..

  22. BballJ
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    22 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I agree with what you said, these are hard times, and I know how much it sucks and feels like it nothing is going right, you are right in the middle of this battle with your mental health, I know you have come so far but you need to keep pushing and finding any motivation you can. You said you have pushed looking for jobs out until after graduation which is good and I think should give you a little more clarity.

    We all need to find a purpose and I know how tough that is, I think your purpose is far greater than you give yourself credit for as well.

    How was your weekend if you don't mind me asking?

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  23. HamSolo01
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    23 October 2017 in reply to BballJ

    hi jay

    my weekend was as average as can be, it usually is..

    just chilled out at home really.. saturday night was grizzly to say the least..

    i am getting sick of feeling isolated and all that..

    idk.. i don't really care about all this stuff tbh.. i just want to sort my life out by knowing what to expect next year and what i will do..

    feels like i am losing friends and not making them..

    i managed to go the gym yesterday which was useful given i really didnt think i would be able to manage it

    i am very depressed, exhausted, anxious and alone.. i hate it

    this forum and SANE forums are probably the only thing keeping me going at the moment..

  24. james1
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    23 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    It's very hard when we put that expectation and pressure on ourselves to get better. I don't know how it happened, but I tried to stop doing that and just let myself get better 'naturally'.

    So rather than expecting myself to get better, I just expected myself to try and do things. I ran instead of going to the gym, and I went to meet up groups. I think the biggest thing for me was making the commitment to go to therapy even if I didn't want to or had nothing to say.

    It just sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself in terms of having your life sorted, making friends, being less boring and getting better. But these are hard targets and they're long term targets too.

    I know it's a slog to just look at it day by day and struggle to see results, but from what you've told us about what you're doing on a day-to-day basis, you're doing really well to get yourself in a good healthy routine. It's just a matter of continuing to try and make friends when the opportunity rises, and just focus on doing things that are good for you. Gym, uni, applying for jobs - all good things.

    James

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  25. HamSolo01
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    23 October 2017 in reply to BballJ

    hey again

    i feel like the putting pressure on myself thing is something ingrained into me since i was a kid. If i dont do it then i feel like i am getting nowhere. People always talk about their lives and what they are doing and i look at mine and i see barely anything interesting. Then people are probably talking behind my back. I say that because they always talk about others behind their back..

    I'm just sick of it. I really am. I am over just trying to get by. I am over failure and I am over mental health.

    I don't care about therapy and I don't care about medications.

    It has been this way for too long. I dunno what I gotta do to change.

    I am stressing over wednesday's assessment centre. I feel like therecis more riding on it. It's more than just an interview.. its like it will define my whole life path. It basically will.

    I am over being the loser but i have no choice.

  26. BballJ
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    23 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I don't think you are a loser at all, I try my hardest to understand why you put so much pressure on yourself, you put all the weight of the world on your shoulders and you don't need too, you only have to do what you can control. Let's for arguments sake say the assessment centre doesn't go as planned, you need to look at back up options and give you self a back up plan. Not everything works out as you would like it too in life and I know there are a lot of people who would happily admit that, myself included and you really do not know what is in store for you. I think half of the battle with mental health isn't getting too far ahead of ourselves, it is such a long journey to overcome mental health and believe me you are sometimes feeling so optimistic about everything and usually it coincides with seeing your doctors because they give you a lot of motivation. I know you feel alone and these battles can be so tough and I like that you are still going to the gym because you know it is better for you and makes you feel better, you should apply the same approach to the doctors, seeing them and keeping up with your medication if it is prescribed is only there to help you. People do want to see you happy and better as much as it may not feel like it, your family, friends, they would want you at 100% and happy with life. There is so much out there for you.

    You're a really great person, don't ever forget that.

    My best,

    Jay

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  27. HamSolo01
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    25 October 2017 in reply to BballJ

    hey

    had the assessment today

    i will post up more tomorrow as i am rather tired atm

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  28. james1
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    26 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01
    Cool. Looking forward to hearing how it went.
  29. HamSolo01
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    26 October 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey all

    Frst things first, the assessment centre yesterday was alright. It was split into 3 parts. Interview, individual task, group task. The group task was first. I weirdly enough found myself taking charge of it at times. Pushing ideas forward and listening to the other members. My biggest worry is that my shirt was untucked and potentially showed off my belly lol. Not to worry. The other components were okay as well. They all seemed like a nice bunch of people. One of the girls there said i looked really red in the face.. after the group presentation. But i brushed it off and made some other comment or joke about it.

    Wat i actually learned was that i seeem to be able to command respect from people.. more than i thought. A couple of examples yesterday were the group presentation, the fact that i was making small talk with a few people and they proceeded to sit next to me, the fact that at the end i asked a question at the end that was "good" according to the guy running it or something idk. It's weird. But whatever. I guess I don't wanna become a maniac and get off on controlling people. Anyways.

    I have to come up with a plan B now and i think i am edging closer to teaching english overseas. Need to research it a bit more though. I think it'd be good to get away from things actually.

    For now i need to keep regular with my attendance at the gym and also eating right. Well, eating often i guess. Thats the bigger issue.

    Limiting social media helps too. It limits my knowledge of what people are doing. That way i dont feel as bad about myself. I also realised today that friends are time and context dependent but there are occassional diamonds in the rough and they are the ones you hold on to.

    My loneliness is still there, but i suppose distraction is a helpful tool. Very helpful actually.

    Aother thing i have noticed too is that i have a good memory. It is a blessing and a curse. But the reality is that meeting new people, going on with life.. doesn't mean i am fixed in the past. I need to be grounded in my past.. but not fixed by it. It is not as rigid as i thought.

    I guess the reality kicked in yesterday when i was there. My past did not matter.

    Reminded me that there is much more to happen in life. Theres still time. Comparing myself is something i do a lot of.

    I will continue the rest in another post

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  30. HamSolo01
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    26 October 2017

    I remember reading something once that said we seldom compare ourselves to those whom we consider inferior. I think it was David Hume.. anyways. In my own life that is certainly true. I often do so with people who are a little younger than me and who have their lives sorted more or less. What ive noticed is those people have a silver spoon in their mouth.. i think i was born with plastic fork in my mouth lol. So i have some sort of advantage but definitely not as good as others.

    Depression and anxiety warp your sense of self.

    I guess i can remember that as a start point.

    Keep that in mind and then go and do what must be done.


    1 person found this helpful

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