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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. HamSolo01
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    9 November 2017

    hi all

    thanks for your well wishes

    nat thanks :) i feel like a burden has been lifted to be honest. Uni finishing was a weird experience. But a good one. The date 'situation' is currently being organised so i'll be sure to fill you in on the details once they are organised :P

    swtpotato thanks :) I don't know if 'smooth' is the term I would use haha. More like.. 'smooth intentions but rough around the edges'

    james I don't know about a cheeky bugger, but I will take it :P

    Jay yeh it was alright, felt awkward and strange but i guess it was special because we just got along really well :)

    In other news, today I am at home due to my flu/cold that I managed to pick up.. again.. Was going to go to the gym but i can't be bothered when I'm sick like this because it's gross. Dressed up like it's winter.. absurd really.

    I have now come up with plan a and plan b and will be waiting to see what happens between now and the end of the month. I guess I'm happy to play the waiting game atm.

    I feel okay with things atm. I might start looking for a bit of work somewhere before I get too bored, but for now it's only been less than a week since uni classes stopped.

    I emailed my lecturer today to tell him that i will let him know about the graduation ceremony. Me and another student were talking to him at the end, like we had been the whole semester. I asked him to be a reference on my resume.. all of a sudden i have a bit more confidence to do these things. Weird hey?

    the group program finished up last tuesday which was good, tbh i was kind of sick of it by this week. It was useful for a time.

    other than that, things are okay i guess. Saw my psych yesterday and that was good too.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. BballJ
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    9 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Sorry to hear you have the flu, not the best time of year to be having it but just need to keep rested to get better.

    You think all of this is weird that you have this new confidence but I see it that you are coming to terms with your mental health and honestly overcoming it, you are learning to not let it control your life, re-read what you just wrote, if I said to you two weeks ago that you would write that you probably wouldn't of believed me but here you are writing all these things and it seems you feel almost content which is great. This is you becoming the person you are destined to be. Mental health will not run your life.

    My best,

    Jay

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  3. HamSolo01
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    13 November 2017 in reply to BballJ

    well that was all short lived..

    i dont wanna go to laser tag today because i feel sad.. i feel like a loser and i feel like i am desparate.. i cant handle people anymore and i cant handle the world anymore.. its almost like the universe just doesnt want me to be happy.. or to enjoy my life.. wtf do i have to do.. everything seems futile and useless.. why do i want to be on my own.. why do i want to do my own thing.. why do i have to be so tall yet so alone.. my lot in life is unhappiness..

    i cant handle myself and i want to disappear away into the night.. where i can meet people who are the same... but when i do it fails and falls apart.. i feel like i am in limbo betwwen being normal and being a loser and i dont belong in either so i end up stuck in the middle.. 

    im condemned to be on my own in life and i have to reconcile myself with that.. i hate it.. but i guess its how it is.. people are too hard to figure out and they are complex.. you tell them too much and they leave.. you tell them not enough and they leave..
    i dont wanna go outside my room... im staying here..

    i just wanna run away... i cant handle the world.. people think iam a player or a cool guy.. i am really really really not and they cant reconcile that with themselves.. so i get shunned..

  4. Quercus
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    13 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    You want to talk about it? What has happened to trigger this slump?

    Nat

  5. james1
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    13 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi mitch,

    I hope you don't mind if I'm a little bit blunt. We've spoken enough and I'd like to see you feel better about yourself.

    I can't help you with feeling like a loser and feeling like you'll be alone forever. I can tell you that it's not true, but that's not what matters, right? It feels true to you.

    Can you tell us what has happened? I know it feels like things have fallen apart and you just don't belong, but that's what happens sometimes.

    Sometimes things don't go the way we plan. It's super disappointing.

    If you want to stay inside your room, that's totally okay. We'll be here when you want to talk some more.

    James

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  6. HamSolo01
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    13 November 2017 in reply to james1

    hey james and nat

    i just rang lifeline too

    you are not being blunt at all btw

    i feel really over all this mental health 'stuff'

    i am sick of feeling like this and i have been so for 5 years... just getting by is not enough..

    i am at home on my own and i was feeling really bad so i rang lifeline to tell them and speak to someone.. but right now i just dont want to get better or i dont care for anything much really...

    i am averse to telling people because all i get is platitudes and also being told that i shouldn't feel this way.. because i have it good in life..

    idk.. people must expect me to a player? or a cool guy who knows what to do with his life or something and i'm not that at all... people are shocked when i tell them im a virgin, had no gf, (havent been kissed, although that's not the case anymore) and that i have no money... and i know that because i have told them that. On the way ghome on saturday night these guys (randoms i didnt know on the train) asked me where the girls were at and that i was really tall... and i dont know what to say.. its all just banter and a joke and they were probably on something too but why do they have to ask me that.. i just keep thinking im going nowhere BECAUSE IM NOT

    I am at home today and doing nothing.. like usual. I'm sick of feeling like this. And to be honest im sorry i even started this forum because i just drag you guys down as well..

    i texted my mum and told her i rang lifeline.. but that's it..

    i am not happy and i am not fulfilled in life in any way... i have chosen not to hang out today because i cant stand seeing the world in this state of mind..

    i don't know what to do with myself

  7. HamSolo01
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    13 November 2017 in reply to james1
    i just dont care anymore... about anything
  8. Quercus
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    13 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    It is ok to feel like you don't care.

    It is ok to feel like you're not what people expect you to be.

    And it is ok to not have any drive to do what everyone else seems to do.

    I think all of these feelings are normal. Maybe I'm weird but I don't think so seeing as in group therapy people said the same things.

    You're not bringing us down. Just think there are people online the same as you who will read this and think thank God I'm not alone.

    But we give you the tough love because you tend not to try to help yourself (self sabotage!) or speak openly about what is really happening (avoiding questions).

    Right. So deep down what is going on? You don't have to reply just write it out for yourself. What are the specific problems that have set you off? Are you worried about asking your girl on a date? Are you worried about work? Are you bored?

    Once you know WHY you feel so low you can do something about it. But going around in circles dwelling on you being a failure (BS by the way) is not useful. Work out what is happening in your head and pick it apart into things you can change.

    Aknowledge the crap feelings and get to the guts of it. It helps. That's my psychotherapy in general. He guudes me to dissect the feeling into little parts so I can actually see WHY I feel that way. It doesn't stop the feelings but most of the time it lets me brush them off and say "right. Hating being in my own skin. Hating the mirror. Ok that's shit. What can I do to make myself feel better about me?".

    Does that make any sense? Probably not. But I do care. Come on Mitch you've got this. Break it down into pieces you can work with.

  9. Ulysses
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    13 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01
    Hi there. I know exactly what you’re going through. I had the same problems and ended up attempting suicide I got so depressed BUT if I had have waited and not nearly killed myself I would have found out that something so good was just around the corner. I got on a serious dating site. That means pay a small fee for better returns. You can find someone who will support you and love you. I did. Let’s face it I’ve had depression my whole life. I couldn’t just say “well when I sort myself out I’ll find someone”. It’s about working together to manage it and there are good people out there. Good luck and something big might be around the corner. Ps I’m not the only one on this site who met the man of a lifetime despite being depressed
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  10. Quercus
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    13 November 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Oh I forgot the PS...

    Get off your butt and go play laser tag!

    Run. Shoot stuff. Laugh. Take it as an opportunity to exercise.

    Maybe you'll get home and still feel rubbish. Or maybe it will give you the kick you needed today.

    That's me. The hardest part is getting ready and leaving the house. I can dread it days in advance. But once I'm there I'm ok. Not always great or even fine. But it does help to stop dwelling.

    Get out of the house and out of your head for a while... The dissection can wait.

  11. BballJ
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    13 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Wow, was a little shocked to come on here and read this from you but this is mental health 101... as much as it can bring us up, it can bring us down just as quick and I am sorry you find yourself in this situation again. I want to firstly point out that you haven't dragged us down anywhere. We are here to support you during the good and bad times, simple as that. Why is it that this triggered all these feelings but, that is the part I am struggling to understand, why do you think that being tall somehow means you are a player and "cool"? Is it because those guys on the train asked you? You feel how you feel and that is ok but one thing I think you have learnt from this mental health is that you do know how to bounce back and pick yourself up from these low feelings. I am glad you rang Lifeline, that is exactly what it is there for and even happier you told your mum.

    I can say it 1000 times and 1000 times more, you are not a loser at all. Like james1 I will be a little blunt and please know it is coming from a good place, you let your situation bring you down and you let your situation define you as a person, you always fall back on the being a virgin and not having money as a reason to fall back down under these dark clouds. You are so much better than the situation you paint of yourself in your mind. The point is your situation will and can always change, especially for the better and every day you need to work on that. Go back and read some posts from last week that you wrote, you were in a clearer head space and like I have said before, when you are in this clear head space literally I think you can achieve anything.

    We all just want to see you happy.

    Please, speak to us, let us know how we can continue helping.

    My best,

    Jay

  12. james1
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    14 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    Quick one from me.

    Good work calling lifeline and for telling your mother as well. That's exactly what you needed to do - reach out, get help, be open about your troubles. We all have our insecurities and deficiencies and perceived failures. We understand.

    As Nat and Jay have both alluded to, situations can really affect our emotional state. You had a bad experience with the guys on the train which hit your insecurities. Go find a good experience to help you out of it.

    We are both only just now getting into our mid-20's. We don't have a bank of good experiences to rely on as a way of knowing who we are and what we have achieved. 50 years later? Yeah maybe we'll know then.

    Until then, we will be making mistakes, insecure and totally not a "proper" adult. Most likely faking stuff as we go along. It's a pain when people, including ourselves, expect more. But nobody is entitled to decide whether we are doing enough or not, except for us.

    Life's a bitch, as they say, but it's the only one we've got and when we look at it properly, there's a lot of pretty good times as well.

    James

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  13. HamSolo01
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    14 November 2017 in reply to BballJ

    So i wrote out a whole message and stiwched tabs and now its gone.. not happy..

    Anyway. Guess i can straight to it now.

    I went on a date to dinner and movies on saturday with that girl. Was alright. We seemed to get along well. Neither of us really liked the film.

    But on sunday she said she wasnt really keen on anything more than friendship. To be honest neither am i. I am just sick of loneliness and feeling unwanted by girls. I hate it because i get to know one close enough and then i must do something to shun them off. Its like as soon as they get to know me better then they just want to be friends. Everytime this has happened. I am done with relationships. Everyone else can seem to have one and be happy and then i cant. And dont try to tell me otherwise because the record shows EXACTLY what i have described. I must give off a certain vibe or something i dunno. Im alone and always will be.

    I hate all this mental health stuff and thats what i told them on the phone to lifeline yesterday. Im sick of meds, therapy.. you name it. Its made no difference.

    I didnt go to laser tag yesterday because i was too depressed. And im not faking it til i make it.. because i have been doing that for 5 years. Its silly. Plus i dont wanna hang around that group as they are too young for my liking.. younger than my sister and i feel weird doing that.

    So there you have it. My current situation.

    I dont care about much anymore.

    I just dunno what to do.

    I am tempted to just focus on my health. Try to get back to the gym (been off because i was sick), eat right and sleep better. But right now i dont care for that either. I am planning on meeting a friend for dinner so hopefully that might help and i can chat to her about stuff.

    Btw i have to solve my depression if i want a girlfriend. Thats obvious. Because i dont look depressed, i dress reasonable and can socialise - the notion that i am depressed does not sit well with people so maybe thats why they leave? Idk to be honest. Its okay for girls to be depressed but not guys it seems. Must be an evolutionary thing. I think it will change for me though. Once i know whats going on next year and im not in limbo.

    I did say this to her also, that idk what im doing next year and such. I dont wanna lead her on, because thats happened to me and its the worst. But i guess its just gonna happen until i sort out my sense of self and have confidence in my own ability. Because i really dont at this point.

  14. HamSolo01
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    14 November 2017

    Continued:

    I hate all this mental health stuff and thats what i told them on the phone to lifeline yesterday. Im sick of meds, therapy.. you name it. Its made no difference.
    I didnt go to laser tag yesterday because i was too depressed. And im not faking it til i make it.. because i have been doing that for 5 years. Its silly. Plus i dont wanna hang around that group as they are too young for my liking.. younger than my sister and i feel weird doing that.
    So there you have it. My current situation.
    I dont care about much anymore.
    I just dunno what to do.
    I am tempted to just focus on my health. Try to get back to the gym (been off because i was sick), eat right and sleep better. But right now i dont care for that either. I am planning on meeting a friend for dinner so hopefully that might help and i can chat to her about stuff.
    Btw i have to solve my depression if i want a girlfriend. Thats obvious. Because i dont look depressed, i dress reasonable and can socialise - the notion that i am depressed does not sit well with people so maybe thats why they leave? Idk to be honest. Its okay for girls to be depressed but not guys it seems. Must be an evolutionary thing. I think it will change for me though. Once i know whats going on next year and im not in limbo.
    I did say this to her also, that idk what im doing next year and such. I dont wanna lead her on, because thats happened to me and its the worst. But i guess its just gonna happen until i sort out my sense of self and have confidence in my own ability. Because i really dont at this point. I think i know i have the ability, its just not being matched with results or anything like that.

    so today i am at home again and i am planning on going to the gym in an hour or so, coming home to start study for friday's exam. I dont want to do any of that because i am really depressed but i guess its just a continuation of the mundane that i do. I think i am bored but i am also depressed and i dont care about changing the fact i am bored. Video games are a sanctuary when i feel crap so i think i might just do that. Until new year where i found out what i am doing with my life.

  15. BballJ
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    14 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    It does seem like when the girl said she just wanted to be friends it triggered your mental health alarm to go off, I know you don't want me to dispute the whole friend thing, but I feel I have too, For all my late teen years and early 20's, exactly the age you were at now, I was always just the friend, I was always the sweet guy but just a good friend to have in your corner... I can 100% say that it can change because you will meet that person that won't see you that way. I continually comment to you because I have been in your spot on a girls level, I was there in my early 20's just like you are, so I like to think I understand your situation and try to tell you, that you are not the only one who has gone through this and everyone see's you in a negative light. You simply haven't met the right one yet and you are still so young and I know in your head you feel you should have because everyone around you is happy and with someone. Don't forget you do not know what is happening behind closed doors with those happy people either, they may look at you and think how easy you have it. Point I am trying to make is yes it sucks, but again this is not your situation for life, this is your current situation but you cannot let it define you as a label as you are so much better than this and again like I have said before when you are at 100%, you are unstoppable. You are very intelligent as well and I know it all counts to your overall personality.

    It's ok that you didn't go to laser tag, how did that dinner go with your friend? Did you get some more stuff off your chest? We are all sicks of the meds and the constant drain that is mental health but you have come so far from where you were, don't let this take you back over. It's ok to take a break for the daily fight against it but remember to get back up and keep fighting because you can get through this.

    My best,

    Jay

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  16. HamSolo01
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    14 November 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi jay

    Thanks for your help. I always remind myself of that small yet important fact.. that this is not my situation forever. Thats a really important part to get a hold of. Also to remember there are plenty of fish in the sea.

    I think its a case of diet, sleep and exercise now. Just need to get those 3 things in order. I have an exam firday so thats gonna be tough. But bearable.

    Hd to postpone dinner with the friend because she was sick.

    Went to the gym and managed to get on track. Gonna try to go each day for about 30mins. New routine im testing to put on muscle because of my body type. But also just to do something physically good for myself.

    I need to go to bed now though. Good night

  17. Quercus
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    14 November 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi Mitch,

    Jay is right. You haven't met the right one yet. We are all weird (anyone who says otherwise is a liar). Every single one of us has problems. And yet we do manage to find love regardless.

    I always tell hubby he is just "my kind of weird". And it's true. He is paranoid AF. Took me ages to get used to the fort knox that is our home. OCD about cleaning. Antisocial. This is just him. And I am crazy about him anyway. You will find this one day. Someone who sees the problems and shrugs because the positives shine stronger to them. And no that's not a BS platitude. It is fact.

    I'm not sure if I've ever mentioned but the 20s suck. Teens are ok. 30s are good. But 20s are crap. The hardest part is the lack of responsibility.

    Now I get depressed and want to just lay in bed... But can't. I have kids to care for. It forces you to move. But in my 20s.... A whole other deal. I remember laying on my bed staring at the ceiling and feeling awful and there was nothing to force me to move.

    There is the expectation of FUN. And ACTIVE and SUCCESS and so so much bloody pressure and fear and doubt about everything most especially where you fit in the world. By 30 that changed. I have changed. I just don't care what the expectations are anymore. What matters is the people I love. That's it.

    I'm starting to learn this is my life and if that means I want to slow down and do what I want to do then so what? What is the worst that can happen? I've decided I don't want to end my life. It is hard to care about social media and society's rules when you think I tried living by that and it made me want to die. So stuff it.

    Again Jay is spot on. It takes time. At 22 I was destroyed, guarded, naive, desperate for approval from others... At 32 I'm broken but rebuilding myself how I want to be. I am very guarded but I have learnt to let people I trust in. And I am desperate for approval... But only from myself and the people whose opinion matters to me. These changes took time.

    You are in the middle of the crap part. It will not be like this forever.

    Want a visual of your worth? Reach out to others on here. Try writing to others and see how they respond to you. It is an eyeopener. I feel like a worthless excuse for a human being deep down inside most days. But others write back and say... I needed that. I appreciated that. It feels so bloody good and makes you see that you do have something to offer others.

    You will be ok. Doesn't feel like it but hold on please.

  18. james1
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    14 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    Jay and Nat have said pretty much all I wanted to say.

    The only thing I wanted to add was that I'm seeing you do something that many of us, especially me, can fall into the trap of doing. (Cue: "It's a trap!")

    It's the "all or nothing" way of thinking and puts a false dichotomy in our heads. At the moment, it sounds like there's a dichotomy in your mind that goes: other people always succeed in relationships; I never succeed in relationships.

    Phrases such as "every time", "never", "always"...they do not help you pick yourself back up.

    It simply is not true that all other people succeed in relationships. I am a testament to that. I have had two 'failed' relationships where I f'ed up. Jay and Nat have shared similar stories about their disjointed 20's.

    If you're done with relationships for now, that's a perfectly fine option. I always joke with one of my friends that dating is literally the worst thing in the world. We both say that if our current relationships don't work (since relationships are never perfect and we always have that thought in the back of our minds of, what if?) then there'd be no way in hell we'd go back to that dating phase.

    Dating. Totally. Sucks.

    But when we meet the right person, it almost seems worth it.

    James

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  19. HamSolo01
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    15 November 2017 in reply to james1

    hey all

    so i got news today that i wont be doing the govt graduate program. The irony? Its kinda nice to say that. It means im not locked into a heavy contract yet. It means i have time to enjoy my 20s. It gives me a chance to travel and look at the world. It was something i was worried about but i dont need to now.

    nat what you said really helped thanks :) its something i have needed to hear from someone else. I have always maintained that i need to be the one to set the standard and the goal and the precint for my life. But to hear it from someone else just about confirms it. Reaching out to others is something i do on the SANE forum and it does help yeh.

    james you are onto something there.. im happy being single. It means i can keep my options open. Free to interact with anyone (dare i say flirt lol).

    One of the greatest consolations is that my present scenario will not be the case forever. It never has been. History is an example.

    So here i am now. Its my life and its my freedom. Bounded only by imagination and attitude. In a way missing out is a blessing.

    I guess im okay with it. Its been a crazy year.

    think i will visit the US in the new year.. need a holiday.. with the money from grandparents. Thats gonna be a fun conversation lol.

    i have an exam at weeks end and an essay in 2 weeks.

    I have a few fears for the moment like ending up on the dole and such. But in the short term its not a concern. I just feel guilty for soaking up resources and all that but i guess again its okay because it wont be forever.

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  20. BballJ
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    15 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    You see, this attitude of yours is an unstoppable one, just looking forward and thinking a positive light. You really can achieve anything and I am glad you saw the positive of not getting into the graduate role, I think if it was a few months ago you may have reacted negatively to it but this is a testament to how far you have actually come in your battle against mental health. Great work. I like the part where you want to travel to the US, that would be such a good experience for you I think, a chance to get out and meet new people as well.

    I know you are afraid of the dole but end of the day it is there for people who need it and if you do, then so be it. You are clearly working towards bigger things so do not feel like a drain on resources.

    My best,

    Jay

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  21. HamSolo01
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    15 November 2017 in reply to BballJ

    jay it was short lived.. because now i realise i have my HECS debt to pay off, i need to become independent and have a sense of dignity.. but all this seems impossible at the moment..

    i know yesterday i was positive but i think it was because i just wanted to talk myself out of negative emotion. I am actually quite dissappointed i didnt get it. I stuffed up my interview. Thats the only explanation. I always do that. If i hadnt stuffed up the interview then i would probably have gotten in... but like usual my anxiety takes over and i make a mess of it..

    but thats life.. cant change it..

    i hate my situation now.. i cant be bothered going overseas to teach english.. at least not any time soon because i just havent got the stamina.. feels like i would be running away from my problems.. all this self improvement stuff is doing me in because im not meeting any of the requirements..

    i cant put things out of my mind because its too serious.. i cant just focus on my exam tomorrow and my last essay because the stress and anxiety of next year are getting to me.. a lot.. its just hit like a tonne of bricks...

    i dunno why i bothered going to uni..

    im off to see my sister graduate high school today so yeh.. her loser brother will be there.. great for her..

    need to cram study for tomorrow..

    hate this life

  22. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    15 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    hi mitch,

    Talking yourself out of negative emotion is not a bad thing. It's one way of coping and is often preferable to having the negative emotion spiral out of control.

    Another way is acceptance.

    Have you ever talked to your psych about how you struggle to accept the situation you are in?

    It is very difficult to be struggling to manage study, personal goals, mental health goals an finding a job. You're not a loser for feeling unable to manage. But you're also not the only one who has to do these things, nor the only one who struggles.

    A big part of how to not get bogged down is acceptance of where you are and who you are. I mean in in a completely non-judgmental way.

    For example, I am currently stagnant in a job I do not enjoy, 130k in debt, and with no time to really do my hobbies. Most of that is because of choices I made, so yeah, I'm mostly responsible for where I am now.

    But I'm also responsible for getting myself out and that's what I'm doing. Slowly, but I'll get there.

    You've listed a lot of things that you can't do. What about the things that you can?

    There's a whole bunch that I could list, but I think it'd be better if you were to do that.

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  23. HamSolo01
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    16 November 2017

    Hi james
    I got a call from the beyondblue help team which kind of helped..
    I have spent the arvo just doing whatever..
    Needed to after today..
    Im not in a good place atm and i am just exhausted..
    i told a friend today how bad i was and she went ahead and rang me which was good.. i was at my sisters graduation though
    Anyway. Its been a rough day.
    Nxt week i will have the houuse to my self as mum dad and my sister go away for a week. Ill be here on my own so i get to have a holiday from them which will be good i think.
    Then nz for christmas.

    It seems like i get triggered by many things which tells me i need to re assess my core beliefs and opinions on myself.

    Tmorrow i wont be attending my exam as i will sit the replacement one in 2 weeks. Ive had to call lifeline and also speak to beyondblue in the past week. Ive also contacted my psych and hopefully can get an appt to make sure the application goes through.

    Im not happy with my life. I need to find out what can make me happier. Its really hard atm. Very hard. I want to never have to interact. Its just exhausting because i feel fake.

    I feel very lost and confused. Abandoned too. So yeah im not too good atm and i feel alone.

    Thanks

    1 person found this helpful
  24. BballJ
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    16 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I am sorry you are struggling so much, like I have said before, if there was that magical piece of advice I could offer that would change your situation I would say it in a heartbeat but there isn't, these mental health recovery journeys are such long bumpy roads and they just seem to go on and on. I think reassessing your core beliefs will be a good thing and I am glad you are trying to get an earlier appointment with your psych. I was happy you are also using the support lines in place in the way of Lifeline & Beyond Blue. I don't know how many times I can say it, but you're not a loser, just someone who is trying to figure out life, as we all are. The HECS debt is there but it doesn't take effect until you start earning a certain amount of money from my knowledge, correct me if I am wrong. Please do not lose sight of your goals. You are too good to let them get away from you. Take a time out, that is fine, you are doing the exam in a couple of weeks, great, use this time to find yourself again. You can get through this again, you have done it before and you can do it again.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
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    16 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    I don't really have anything useful to say that James and Jay haven't said already.

    Just wanted to remind you that you're not alone and that we do care even if we're a bit helpless to do much other than listen.

    Next week when your family are away it's really important that you have some offline supports in place and arranged. Hopefully this horrible feeling has passed but just in case maybe book an appointment if you can. What do you think?

    Please take care of yourself. And shout out if you need support or to talk ok.

  26. HamSolo01
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    17 November 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey guys

    Its been a rough ride

    Thanks for your help and such lately

    Im really done with some things in my life i reckon.

    But today again i need to actually force myself into thinking better.

    I brought my appointment forward to tomorrow which is good.

    Before i do anything else i need to learn to give myself a chance, cut myself some slack and such. I really have no idea how to do this, so im gonna raise this with the psych tomoz. I think its almost impossible tbh because i really do not like myself. At all. I think i weird people out. I think im weird. I dont like how i look or anything. I hate my body and i hate my mind. I really dont want to be this person anymore. Physically and mentally.

    is not that i think im undeserving. Its that i feel incapable of making good choices. I get bored easy and i get irritation from small things.

    Im not sure what i have to do to get better. Ive basically hit a wall. I guess its good then, that i am seeing the psych tomorrow.

    Im not interested in finding a source of income for the moment because i feel too exhausted and anxious. All i remember are moments where i have buggered up interviews or similar. I think thats what happened in the govt graduate role. I just speak too much and overcompensate. Its my pet hate. God only knows how happier i would be if i didnt screw myself like that.

    I have never been this stuck before. Ever.

    Im struggling to eat.. have no appetite.

    Ive been at home today. Sick of playing videogames. I dont wanna go outside because the world just reminds me of how much of a failure i am.

    I honestly think ive tricked myself into thinking im going well in life.

    Way too much on my mind.. all i want to do is sleep

  27. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    17 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi mitch,

    Glad to hear you got the call from both the support team and your friend and that it helped.

    I understand if you are sick and tired of mental illness. We all are and we've all been there.

    I know that's not what you want to hear, but please hear me out.

    There's a quote from a new movie where a main character thinks he's a special missing child, only to find out that he's not actually. He's just one of many, and he's pretty shattered by this revelation. He really wanted - needed - to be that special child for purpose in his life.

    We all have this strange desire to be the only one that suffers. Even when talking to other people who we know have a similar issue, we still feel like we're the only ones and we hang onto that for comfort. "Nobody else knows what it's like..."

    But the truth is that we all feel that way. We all feel alone, perpetually alone, in our struggle. And mostly because we're not honest to ourselves and to each other that even though we are victims, we are not special victims.

    Do the things you need to do, but remember that you are not the only one even if nobody else is showing it, nor are you the only one who feels they can't cope. You don't need me to remind you of the statistics - there are many who really really struggle in their relationships, and in life generally.

    We need to use each other, use everyone's experiences, to help us on our little fumbling attempts to "get better."

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  28. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    3061 posts
    17 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    hey mitch,

    Your post only just came through after I posted a reply to your earlier one.

    I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow.

    It sounds like using the time tomorrow to review your situation and give yourself breathing space is a good idea.

    Sometimes we can overcomplicate a problem and make an already difficult challenge seem even harder to overcome.

    Hopefully you can get some more clarity tomorrow.

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  29. HamSolo01
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    925 posts
    18 November 2017 in reply to james1

    hey james

    idk man.. this is actually the worst i have been in my whole journey.. just flat and bored and upset.

    its as if all those times i spoke about how things get better or where i sounded positive were just lies or fake it til i make it..

    feels like i been faking it for all this time..

    im just at a point now where i dont care for myself.. im not eating enough (admittedly i poached 2 eggs on toast this morning at ate them both which was good) but its probably the only proper food i will eat til dinner.. i avoid lunch on weekends.. its just a reminder of how much i have failed at organising things..

    i know 24 is young and all that.. but when i cant afford new clothes? the latest videogame? a coffee each day.. it becomes unbearable..

    some days i cant even look in the mirror.. im grossed out at what i see.. too tall.. arms not bulk enough.. hair stupid looking..

    i sweat too much during the day so it fades my clothes.. but i cant buy new ones.. and my folks would lend me money but i get depressed when that happens..

    im glad i am seeing the psych today because i can raise these things with him..

    its a telling sign that wanting enough money to buy my own things and get somewhere even if it is small in life is a fantasy. I fantasise abou having enough money to buy clothes.. to actually be able to walk with a sense of pride and dignity.. both abscent at this point..

    i cant talk to people about it because they either disagree or just say things which upset me even more...

    this is really not a good time in my life..

    but thanks for sticking by me this long guys :) i really appreciate you listening in and being here too..

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
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    Quercus avatar
    3557 posts
    18 November 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Thank you for writing this...

    i cant talk to people about it because they either disagree or just say things which upset me even more...

    That's where I am at offline too. Sick to my eyeballs of family and friends telling me it will get better and to be patient. I know they are right but I am sick of waiting for life to get better when right now it is crap.

    I am so bloody tired of being told by my family..

    • To think of others less fortunate
    • To focus on the positives.
    • That what I'm sacrificing now will make life easier long term
    • To enjoy the moment.
    • That the kids will grow up so fast and I will look back fondly.
    • That financial hardship will pass.
    • That I'm being responsible.
    • To just keep trying.
    • To make changes.
    • That I've made progress.
    • To be thankful for what I have
    • To put myself first.
    • That I'm doing such a good job.
    • That I am ok.

    I know I'm guilty of these too. They are good advice. But I'm exhausted and sick of it all. I am tried of waiting for the future where life is going to be better. I'm sick of feeling helpless and hopeless and useless. Sound familiar?

    My point. I get it. You're not alone. But we have to find ways to help outselves or we will not survive. I want to live.

    I don't have any money either. Friends live on credit and have all the nice things now. But I won't do that. We chose not to gather debt just to live how others do. Being responsible can feel rubbish. And if your self esteem and body image is poor it makes things worse.

    My solutions have been hard too. Pride. I have some apparently because I have had to swallow it. I went to a nice suburb and went op shopping. It was awesome. Got 11 tops and a dress for $80. I told my mum and a friend and we're going again soon. They were so excited. It felt good.

    I was ashamed when my mum sends me money "just because". I would tell her I went for dinner when really it goes on the mortgage or on bills. So I refuse to lie now.

    I got a cleaning job at a school. Part of me felt shame. Why did I bother with uni? I feared judgement but I AM HAPPY. This works for ME. So they can all either learn to love seeing me happy or leave me alone.

    More to come... Sorry.

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