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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. HamSolo01
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    5 December 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    I am averse to showing too much of myself to new people as a result of being bullied, being thrown in the deep end and also failing in front of many people. This fear I have is informed by experience - not an irrational phobia. I was once afraid of dogs and had no reason to be - the solution was to get a dog and it worked wonders. What I had there was an irrational phobia. This situation is very different to the one I am in now.
    There are a couple of experiences that I need to share in order to process this more too:
    - Growing up I was quite religious. This wasn't forced or pushed on me in any way, shape or form. I came to know it via school. My folks sent me to a christian school because it was a good school. That's all. But what happened was that I took the religion seriously - becuase it was taught seriously. It WAS the truth. It was REALITY. It was REAL. No negotiation over that. This then meant I started to go to bible study and church and youth group a lot. This negatively impacted my self esteem as I was constantly told that I was undeserving of 'gods love'. It has no doubt played an intergral part in the way I view myself. Love and acceptance were part of this message I was taught, but it was always criss crossed with judgement and damnation. Those two things are not reconcilable in my mind - not in any moral sense anyway. The experience itself probably looked normal and healthy, but on the inside it did a lot of damage.

    I would often meet with a religious figure who worked at the school i
    went to as well as being a member of the same church. I will refer to
    him as 'person a'. Person A was a revered figure in both the school and
    the church. He never abused me sexually and I need to say that here. I
    firmly believe however, that he did indeed abuse me emotionally and I
    was simply unaware of it at the time - because i believed what i was
    doing was right, true and honourable (gods will in other words). Growing
    up as a teenage boy means sex is something that is constantly on the
    mind. Welcome to puberty right? Well I would always have to bring this
    up with him because the religious element of my development as a young
    male would always tell me that masturbation and porn were always bad.
    ALWAYS bad.

  2. HamSolo01
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    5 December 2017
    I remember distinctly being told that I had to get a grip on it otherwise i would be controlled by it and be led down a bad path. I was scared and also very judgemental on myself. I also believe this is why my sex life is non-existant at the age of 24 and why i struggle with any form of intimacy. There is a stigma associated with male virginity and i think part of it stems from the inability to be intimate. I quit religion despite doing a confirmation in year 12 and am now agnostic/atheist. I don't believe in an interventionist god and this isn't because of negative experience but because the central claims are nonsense in my mind and make very little sense when analysed critically.
    - I was part of the band in my high school. This was a positive experience for the most part, however i have memories of the band instructor singling me out telling me that i had to pull my socks up because i wasn't good enough. I always felt as if I didn't belong in the band program. I remember before year 12 started, about considering dropping band altogether to try to focus on my HSC. I think it was better from a point of hindsight to stay because it distracted me from a lof the other crap that was going in my mind at that point. I also remember some of the other students in the band talking about me from a distance and seeing them do it on occassions. I was always treated differently. Even by those i thought were friends. Nevertheless, by the stroke of luck i actually saw this band conductor one day at my uni because he was on a school tour. I thought about saying hello but then I couldn't be bothered. Why should I even bother talking to someone who clearly didn't think I should've been in the band? He was a charasmatic teacher and was able to earn the respect of parents, teachers and students alike. I still shook his hand on the last day of school and thanked for his efforts because it helped me have a love for music. I was the only one in the jazz band to never receive an award for effort or improvement or anything. I got over that long ago, but I think about it sometimes.. reminds me how bad it was in my mind at that time. Nevertheless, at the start of this year I tried getting involved in the band program at my uni but then had to quit because i had too many memories of a hard childhood experience in music. I needed to play a part on my own and i did relatively okay at it but it was exhausting.
  3. BballJ
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    5 December 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Thanks for the more detailed information, I know a lot of the story is expanded on stuff you have mentioned previously, but if anyone is reading your thread from new, they will get a good back ground on you. You are still more than welcome here too, I don't know what's happening behind the scenes but I am here to support as often as you need.

    How is all the stuff going with your psychologist and the support groups?

    My best,

    Jay

  4. james1
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    6 December 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Thanks for posting the rest of that. It sounds like you have had many instances in your past where your needs and wants were just ignored in favour of someone else's.

    Have you started DBT yet?

    James

  5. HamSolo01
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    6 December 2017 in reply to james1

    hey james and jay

    thanks for reading all of this so far.

    here is the rest and i will post up a bit of a reply after

    Music is still however, a passion of mine and that has not changed at all.
    - Team sport is basically non-existent in my life. I always struggled to fit in with teams. I never knew what or how to play the sports in a way that was good or normal. I remember being dragged to alot of the events by my folks because they were probably just doing it out of a sense of normality. Because it's the done thing. I remember flat out refusing to get my photo taken at AFL because i hated it so much. This is the case with all team sports. The closest thing I came to was reffing soccer because i could get money for that, even still there were still some instances were i came home in tears (even as a 21 year old male) where i would constantly beat myself up for how i reffed (because the players gave me all sorts of grief for bad calls). But it was more than just being mouthed off at by soccer players, it would take me back to a place where I have often found myself growing up (fear). Fear of judgement, fear of failure, fear of lack of respect, fear of condemnation. A common theme. I would look at myself on these days and realise just how pathetic I was - that reffing was my income and that I was a loser who never knew how to get laid or do anything right.
    I think Ive said a lot and I honestly don't think that I've touched on a lot of it. I feel like I've briefly mentioned stuff. But that's the reality of my predicament I guess. I don't want sympathy and I don't want pity. I just want to be normal. On the outside I probably do look normal. But on the inside there is pain, anguish and torture. But over 5 years I have had to adapt and adjust to it. I've been through therapists like underwear and been on different meds and been to hospital (one time being admitted) and I don't really care.
    This month has been wild for me. This whole year has in fact. I've lost a lot of people. It's hard and this forum will need to be a form of outreach to be honest.
    Anyway. I will leave it there. I wanted to share this with you so that there is a common place in which I can share and come back to with a steady group of people on these forums - that's what i need, rather than just checking in randomly on other threads.
    Thanks
    Sharing all that was very hard.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. HamSolo01
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    6 December 2017 in reply to james1

    so the support groups are finished - except for the anxiety one which is still going because it is once per month

    the last one was a woman sharing her story and also someone talking about yoga and another person talking about hypnotherapy.. it was okay

    i haven't really started DBT just yet.. still waiting to because i like to space out appointments.. i dont like becoming too reliant on them

    i have just submitted my final essay ever for uni and i have my last exam tomorrow too so i will be off to bed now

    thanks again :)

    hope you are both going well

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Sophie_M
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    7 December 2017 in reply to HamSolo01
    Hi everyone, we've made some edits to this thread regarding complaints about moderation of posts.  Please remember that if you have an issue with the individual moderation of your posts, then talk to us offline about it - not here on the forums.  

    The easiest way to avoid the disappointment of having your posts edited or removed is to be familiar with our community rules.
    3 people found this helpful
  8. Quercus
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    7 December 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Lots of soul searching going on. How do you feel putting it out there? Does it help you?

    A thought about Sophie's comment if that's ok? Journal the private stuff so you organise the thoughts and don't lose them.

    Sometimes thoughts are not PC or are too aggressive or explicit for a place like this. The rules keep us safe because we are vulnerable people (look at the impact my slump had on you if you need an example).

    But these thoughts are the important ones to keep to discuss and work through with the psychiatrist. The things that really make us emotional are usually a clue to what we really need to work through.

    I haven't been able to reply here sorry. It has been nice to have you write on my thread though. Thank you.

    I hope you are holding up ok. Good luck with your exam.

    Nat

    2 people found this helpful
  9. BballJ
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    7 December 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I think it is a good idea to space out the appointments, I think the practical use of that is perfect not becoming reliant on them. I am glad you got to write all that out and I guess seeing it in writing is also a good thing for yourself, did you feel a little better after writing it?

    Hope the last exam went well.

    My best,

    Jay

  10. HamSolo01
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    8 December 2017 in reply to BballJ

    hey james and nat

    thaks for dropping in

    I reckon it really does help nat. It needs to be articulated like that. I am considering printing all that out and giving it my psych to put on file. Hopefully will help with the new approach we are taking.

    I get the point made by the mods about content etc. But then at the same time i only share stuff i am comfy sharing. This is after all anonymous. And yeh i do get that it might upset people who are damaged, but i too am in that camp and i only share what im comfy sharing.

    But all good that you havent been able to reply :) because i know you are going throuh renewal too. I think its great youve been limiting time on others threads - because we can only take on so much of other people's stuff. I really like the new assertive version of you too :) i believe it is catching on.

    jay, writing it out did help yes :) gives a lot of pent up "crap" the air time it needs i think.

    My last exam was yesterday so alas i am now finished.

    Weird old thing lol

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Chris B
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    8 December 2017
    Hi HamSolo01,

    Thought I'd reply here to your comments rather than offline, as this is a message that would be good for everyone to read.

    It's good to read that you get why we moderate the forums the way that we do. What bears some further thinking is the responsibility that every member has when posting in a group space like this.

    This is not a psychologist's office where you can share anything you like without having to think of the impact on others. This is a shared space where your words and actions do have an impact on the members you interact with - just like in real life.

    Using your own vulnerable status as a way to absolve yourself of responsibility for upsetting others is not an excuse. We all have to take responsibility for the way we behave and the words we write.

    In an online peer support community like ours, everyone posting is managing their own mental health while trying to support others. It would be unreasonable for us to expect that conflict or upset would never occur in this environment; as moderators we try our best to keep this to a minimum and satisfy the needs of everyone as best we can. Sadly, we are not able to please everyone all of the time.

    Our forums can be a great support, but they aren't intended as a replacement for offline professional supports. Some people will find the forums helpful, others will not. Some will find that they work for a time but not any longer. We would always recommend that if you're not finding our forums to be a place where you feel you can be supported in your ability to manage your mental health, then stepping away to seek alternative supports is the best approach.

    We won't be publishing any further posts regarding moderation of this thread, and we would now ask everyone posting here to return to the main topics of discussion please.
    3 people found this helpful
  12. HamSolo01
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    10 December 2017 in reply to Chris B

    hey all

    just wanted to post this up

    feeling particularly bad today... not sure what it is.. other than
    the usual "i feel like i have screwed myself over heaps" mentality that
    always sets in.

    This week i have a careers info day on tuesday and also a potential interview on thursday for volunteering at something vaguely related to my course. I am okay with all of that because they are long term interests. But it's the short term that is bugging me the most. I don't exactly know what to do other than research stuff I can potentially do.

    The money situation is bugging me and I don't wanna be put on unemployment benefits because that's just going to DEMOLISH my self esteem. The only thing I have really done is tutoring and that market is saturated with people with better test scores than me so I won't be attractive enough in that regard.. you need the marks not just the brains. It's weird because that actually makes me regret not studying harder in high school
    - something that was 7 years back. Stupid I know but it's just the fact that it is there that bugs me.

    I really don't know what to do and I think the reason it bugs me so much is that I'm not overly bothered by it.... is that bad? I think it is. I'm 24 and the more I see other people sorted out the worse I feel about myself. I mean
    I am taking some steps towards progressing my life. I'm still depressed and anxious. Even though people might say I seem okay.

  13. BballJ
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    10 December 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Sorry you are feeling bad today, when we sit and think about everything and ponder on the what if's, it has a tendency to slow us down, I actually woke up this morning with a heavy chest and some good amount of anxiety, I didn't want to get out of bed, I wanted to stay there, I jumped on YouTube, watched a heap of clips, I watch things that upset me more to be honest, which may sound weird but I use it as motivation that I am not alone going through it, I then move to happier stuff and pick myself out of bed and try to get on with my day. It sounds like you have a bit of a busy week ahead, have you been looking at like SEEK to try and find any sort of job just to start earning money, have you thought just about a casual job in retail or anywhere that is kind of easy for you? It shouldn't take away from your long term aspirations but something just to simply earn some money and I would imagine with Christmas here, there may be some casual jobs available? Just a thought anyway.

    My best,

    Jay

    2 people found this helpful
  14. HamSolo01
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    18 December 2017 in reply to BballJ

    can't even land a volunteer role...

    I'm honestly beginning to think I must do something wrong in the interviews...

    I don't know what to do and I'm actually really bummed out about it...

    Maybe I overcompensate i don't know..

    It's shattered my damn confidence actually..

    What the hell am I meant to do if I can't even get a job that's a volunteer position..

  15. Ulysses
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    18 December 2017 in reply to HamSolo01
    Oh I had the same problem! I felt so bad about it. Relieved someone else did too
  16. BballJ
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    18 December 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Have you asked them why you didn't get the position? Volunteer roles have also become harder to get because you want the right people in the right roles regardless of pay or not. I know it is tough but asking why you didn't is a step you need to take so if it is something that you are doing or saying wrong, you can correct it.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  17. HamSolo01
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    21 December 2017 in reply to BballJ

    hi jay

    yes i replied and asked for feedback and he said i was a strong candidate

    i just needed to know more about the internship and also that other people had experience/skills more directly related to the role

    he said try to utilise the STAR method more as well so I'm gonna work on using a bank of examples with STAR methods

    got something else to work on today (Sample writing piece for a think tank) so that's good

    hope you are well jay

    1 person found this helpful
  18. BballJ
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    21 December 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Thanks for the update on how things are going. At least you have some stuff you can focus on and work on. Have you been feeling any better?

    Much plans for Christmas?

    My best,

    Jay


    1 person found this helpful
  19. HamSolo01
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    8 February 2018 in reply to BballJ

    Hi forum

    havent been on here for a while now

    Thought i would jump on and see how it is

    1 person found this helpful
  20. james1
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    8 February 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Welcome back. How've you been?

    James

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  21. Quercus
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    9 February 2018 in reply to james1

    Hi Mitch 😊

    James said it all... Welcome back.

    I had been meaning to post a while back and say I had crossed paths with you on another thread giving your support to another member. Wanted to cheer you on actually. I've said before and I'll repeat myself, you're good at expressing yourself.

    What's your news? How have you been?

  22. HamSolo01
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    9 February 2018 in reply to james1

    Hi there james

    Overall i have been okay yeah. I think last time i was on here was before christmas. Christmas was good, went overseas to auckland with mum dad and sister. Enjoyed it a lot.

    New years was pretty low key. Wanted it to be that way.

    I had to go back to uni because of a weird technicality but at least i only have 1 week left now.

    Other than that i am trying to find things to do and also manage my mental health.

    1 person found this helpful
  23. HamSolo01
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    9 February 2018 in reply to Quercus

    hey Nat

    nice to "see" you :)

    self expression is something i am good at via forums, writing and chat screens. I tend to struggle a fair bit in real life lol

    I have tried to 'come out of my shell' so to speak in real life, especially with a new friendship group that is kind of forming atm but I need to do it in a controlled way. If I go too far then I am just a psycho

    I hope you have been well. I haven't really been on forums, so that's why I haven't seen yours. I was occasionally jumping on and reading up stuff but that's about it. Pace is crucial for me atm.

    My new psych has worked wonders as well. I've come a long way in the small space of time that I have seen him. I only wish I knew of him sooner because then I would've gotten to a better headspace earlier and not be in the predicament I am in atm. It's silly to do that though because I have absolutely no control over it.

    Today I have a few things to do which include gym visit (followed by coffee), checking a website for a job my mum told me about, not checking facebook, reading (even though my book won't get here til march lol) and also not using screens (tablet, phone, pc) 30 mins before bed so i can get a better sleep.

    I feel quite sad today and I'm worried tbh. But I can't pin it to much at all aside from the things I already know. Trying to stick it out.

    On that note, thanks for dropping by Nat. Take care :)

    1 person found this helpful
  24. james1
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    10 February 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch,

    good to hear that you were able to go over to NZ. I love it there.

    Have you been continuing the gym? What else have you been up to?

    I've been doing heaps of gardening. I didn't think I'd ever enjoy gardening because I despise worms, but here I am growing probably some 20-30 individual plants! It's very satisfying.

    James

  25. HamSolo01
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    16 February 2018 in reply to james1

    hey forum

    yeah james i am trying to keep up at the gym.. but the past few weeks been a little slack. At least once or twice a week so far. Been trying to improve other aspects of life.

    Managed to land a job at uni (even though i am now finished haha) so i can get some of the money back that i have spent there.

    Also go involved with a good advocacy program for disability employment. Volunteer basis. It's good to do things beyond your own self i reckon.

    At the moment i am pretty okay. Uni finished this week so thats all done. Just got a test to do when i finish my coffee that im enjoying after dropping my sister off.

    This past week was heavy and im happy with how i handled it.

    My new psych has really allowed me to open up and go deeper into whats giving me grief. You should look up Jordan Peterson too btw. Really good psychologist.

  26. BballJ
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    18 February 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I just got back on the forums myself from an absence dealing with personal stuff but I must say, well done for how far you have come since late last year. Things really do seem to be looking up for you which was great to read.

    Really proud of you.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  27. HamSolo01
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    11 March 2018 in reply to BballJ

    Hey thread

    I have checked into hospital yesterday and will hopefully be leaving tomorrow.

    I had a bad episode of SI and ended up checking myself in to the ED near work. This is the same place I came to some number of years ago. It always helps when I come here. Even if it is the second time.

    At the moment I have never felt so alone than I do right now. It makes little sense. But that's how it is.

    Other than this set back I am okay

    Hope you are well

  28. Quercus
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    12 March 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    I'm glad you went to the ER and are safe. I'm sorry to hear you feel alone. We do care. Might not seem like it when the replies are slow I'm sorry.

    Setbacks happen. They suck. I'm there too (not at hospital, just sliding backwards).

    But it's ok. Sounds trite huh. We stay safe and do what we have to to get through this stage. Ask for help (which you've done, good on you). And when it passes we get up and try again. And again. And again.

    It feels shit though.

    You sound more in control and confident if a bit flat. That's progress in itself.

    I'm sorry I'm not helpful. Have taken a needed break from forums and today came back to see if I'm ready to try again (I'm not yet). But I had to reply because you sound very down too.

    Can I list the cliches? They may make you angry but I need to hear them too. Cliche doesn't mean they're not true.

    • It's going to be ok.
    • This feeling will pass.
    • Just wait it out.
    • There is hope for something better.
    • You're a worthwhile person.
    • Be kind and gentle to yourself.
    • Your life is worth living.
    • There are people who love and care about you.
    • Just breathe and wait it out.
    • Try and get some rest.
    • You know you've managed these feelings before and survived.
    • You're stronger than you give yourself credit for.

    I'm tired and need sleep. I hope this doesn't bring you down. My intention was just to let you know others read and care and you're not alone.

    ❤ Nat

  29. HamSolo01
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    12 March 2018 in reply to Quercus

    Thanks Nat :)

    I have been having a break from these forums as I found it was too much to have two going at once. Dealing with this stuff once over is enough I think

    I am at home now and I will try to take it easy this week.

    I want to thank you for your post too - you said you were struggling yourself so it's great that you were able to help out just a bit like the way you did :)

    I like to think that cliches are cliches because they are true. There is a reason they are cliches in other words.

    I do sound flat because I am. Makes sense right? haha.

    The interview with the doctor/psychiatrist today was useful. He said that i was intelligent and that I need to find the balance (well he more or less inferred this in what he said). Sometimes I need to "just do" things. Other times I need to step back. Other times I need to gather information then decide.

    The challenges ahead are MASSIVE but I have determination to get there.

    Thanks Nat :)

    Take care of yourself.

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Quercus
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    13 March 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Thanks for letting us all know you are home and safe.

    And for putting up with my garbled reply. I'm glad it helped, it helped me to write it too.

    I think your writing style has changed. You seem a lot more calm somehow. I took it as flat but now I'm not so sure. Yes you're struggling right now but you do seem more in control. Maybe this psych and your work is helping you?

    Or maybe it's the online psych you mentioned a while ago (I did look at his stuff but it didn't suit me).

    No I haven't been feeling very well. Am slowly trying to find posts I can reply to and log off not feeling triggered. But writing does help me usually. I can imagine you would need a break. I'm not sold on the idea of using multiple forums it sounds too exhausting. But that's just me I suppose.

    Anyway I just wanted to say I am glad you're safe. Please take care of yourself too.

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