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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    25 November 2018 in reply to james1

    I agree James. Respect is the most important part of this human relationships thing we do.

    Understand that people are different, but then we are also similar in many other ways too. As I write this I am overseas. Staying with a friend. Some the others were telling me about a crazy friend of theirs. Made me think of the same thing back home lol.

    Anyway. Hope you are well.

  2. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    1 December 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey peeps.

    I am in NYC atm and just dropping in.

    Travelling with mental health can be daunting but always remember that you can still do it.

    I had a bit of a break down yesterday but managed to pull myself out of it with a bit of help from my dad. Thank God for that.

    It can be daunting and hard to navigate in a new place and new city on the other side of the world.

    But I am learning how I have to treat myself and how much I can realistically expect from myself. Basically a testing ground. For everything.

    While it can be hard and a challenge to motivate, I believe that for every time you push yourself a little bit. Then there is a lot that will meet you there. A reward. An achievement. A reason to it.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. james1
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    3 December 2018 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    Good on you for pulling out of it and also reaching out to dad. I'm glad to hear you feel like you're pushing yourself, but still in a safe way and finding rewards and seeing the achievements in being able to do so.

    Hope you enjoy the rest of your trip :)

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  4. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    9 January 2019 in reply to james1

    happy 2019 thread

    Just wanted to post a bit of an update

    - I am intending on heading back to the EU to continue the rest of the course/workshop. This involves finding a job somewhere and I thought I had one organised yet they kind of buggered it up. Thought I could start earlier. But that's okay, wasn't passionate about that job anyway. Probably would do more harm than good. Currently looking all over and hoping on finding something soon.

    - There is a real trick to purusing a career in international relations and government. Seems like it is a case of finding "something" and then just going from there. So far so good on that front, because that's what the workshop is about. Let's hope it can help with that.

    - I have given myself 5 years to organise all of this. I think this is a decent time frame in which I can pursue this goal.

    - my Mental health remains on balance. I have the right dosage of medications and the right balance of good food and regular exercise. While overseas, this will likely be the biggest "Adjustment" i need to get used to.

    - I no longer feel anxious or depressed about my relationships scenario. I went on some dates last year and learned a good deal about myself. Focusing on my career goals and aspiration (considering they are rather vague at this point) is my main focus. I still haven't had sex or anything like that which I originally posted on here a while ago now (about a year or so ago) and I'm unbothered. I really just don't care about fickle things. Curiousity can get the better of me at time about that stuff, but in reality there are more important things to focus on.

    Hope you are all well and having a good start to 2019

    1 person found this helpful
  5. blondguy
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    9 January 2019 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo

    What an inspirational post/update...and huge thanks!

    With a proactive attitude like yours I would be very very surprised if you weren't successful in a new career....no matter where you apply...globally!

    You have words of wisdom and encouragement about relationships too...........I really like when you mentioned "in reality there are more important things to focus on" I have taken a mental note on that for myself...Nice1

    You are an amazing person HS...and Kudos to you :-)

    my kindest....and thank-you for being a part of the Beyond Blue forum family for so long too!

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  6. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    17 January 2019

    hey BB forum dwellers

    Just wanted to say hi and let you know I am back for a while on here. I think it was good to take a break from BB forums for a while. Just gave me some space over on the other ones I use too.

    Currently I am looking for work in the UK. It's hard. Very hard. I think I am getting there. I am going to the UK because I am going to a course in Poland - it is easier to work and live in the UK because I don't have EU citizenship.

    My mental health is on par with where I am at in life - so in other words it's alright. I moved my psych appointment yesterday to next week because I don't feel like I need to see the psych at this point.

    It is hard to believe the progress I made since I first posted on here. But there you have it.

    It's just the way things panned out I guess.

    At the moment it is hard, but I have some endurance in me after all my stuff I've gone through.

    Onwards and upwards I guess

    1 person found this helpful
  7. james1
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    25 January 2019 in reply to HamSolo01

    hey mitch,

    Yeah there's been such an improvement from when you first came on. And the great thing is that I don't feel like you've had to change yourself in any drastic way. A lot of it is, as you say, an endurance/resilience and perhaps a new perspective.

    It's great to see.

    Good luck looking for work in the UK. Perhaps you'll like it enough to stay there for a while, lol. I have a bunch of friends who moved there for work and are still there a few years later!

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  8. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    4 February 2019
    Hey all.

    I have to share something.

    I am reconsidering my trip overseas. I have my visa processing atthe moment.

    But I am feeling very overwhelmed with all of this. I need to post here because I need a bit advice from some who don't know too much about it all.

    I think sometimes I can create an impression with people that things are okay and alright yet they aren't. I'm worried this has happened again with my trip and plans for 2019.

    As it stands I am meant to go overseas in three weeks for the remainder of the course. This involves working and living in a new country. I am intimated by this tbh.

    Although I overcame a number of barriers last year by travelling solo. Thus is quite different.

    I'm not 100% on what to do
  9. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    5 February 2019
    Is anyone here???
  10. james1
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    james1 avatar
    2977 posts
    6 February 2019 in reply to HamSolo01

    hey mitch,

    I think it's quite normal to feel intimidated by big life changes like this. After all, there's a lot of things that will feel really different and difficult, and we may worry that we aren't equipped to deal with it.

    Still, it's often in hindsight that we see we are more capable than we think...only for another challenge to pop up and cause us to forget just how far we've come. The trick is to recognise this and remember that, actually, you've been here before. In your previous messages, you've felt like you were creating an impression with everyone that everything was okay, then you found a way through and felt okay. Worrying is a totally normal thing, but its important to not let it stop you from doing things that you want to do.

    So I guess the question I have is: you've said this feels different. Do you mind elaborating on that? What is different compared to before and what makes this less manageable than before?

    You've been through a lot in terms of your mental health, yet you're still here living your life and thinking about your future. If nothing else, I think that speaks volumes about your ability to get through with life's challenges.

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  11. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    7 February 2019 in reply to james1

    hey James. Thanks for replying mate.

    In the past couple of days I took a hit for the worst. I saw my psychiatrist this morning and we are approaching this whole thing differently.

    Simply put, he made the point that I am pressuring myself to do stuff far more quickly than what I thought I could. When this approach fails, it feeds back into the loop that was there before (the "i am not good enough", "I have limited time", "I have wasted my life" etc).

    He said it was good I didn't go to hospital and avoided ending up there. This doesn't help. What does help is changing the approach etc.

    It was a good appointment. I see him again in the morning and then maybe someone else next week.

    So it's not entirely hopeless or lost now.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Quercus
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    7 February 2019 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Glad the psych could help even slightly. It's ok to fall in a heap and to feel hopeless and exhausted sometimes.

    Just want you to know people are reading and do care (thank goodness for James being able to reply).

    Speaking from my position (being also in a hopeless heap at the moment) it helps to tell the internal critic to just back the f off and give you a break! You are putting pressure on yourself again but compared to old posts the change is evident.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    8 February 2019 in reply to Quercus
    Hey Nat. Thanks for dropping in.

    I agree with you. The internal critic can be a nuisance.

    I saw the psychiatrist and psychologist today.

    He asked me one thing to take away from todays session: that I have progressed.

    As you pointed out. Maybe I should rest on this for a while.

    I can refocus my attention to things in the new week I hope.

    Anyways. Thanks for checking in.

    How are you going?
    1 person found this helpful
  14. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    1 March 2019

    And just like that I feel like I'm back where I was 2 years ago...

    Today I received some news that a close mate of mine has finally "done the deed" as it were. For a while there I really stopped caring about all this stuff. I was on an even keel and doing okay. Then things sort of went south a few months back and then tonight they've really gone down hill.

    My whole plans have failed and I'm sexless and cashless right now. I have managed to get a casual job for the next few weeks. But I'm just seeing that as a means to an end. Not permanent or worthwhile. Idk..... I feel terrible atm.

  15. Quercus
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    1 March 2019 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    I'm sorry you're feeling so miserable right now.

    What you wrote reminded me of the feeling I have gotten sometimes when others experience something exciting or new or special. New job. Newborn baby. New trip around the world. New award. I feel left behind and useless and like my life is pointless.

    Your friend most likely didn't share this with you to make you feel crap but it is a reaction you're not alone in feeling. More importantly it will pass in time.

    Ok so you have short term work... That means you have time and income while you look for work. That is worthwhile.

    Money makes life easier I agree but it is still possible to get out and meet people without cash.

    Please try to give yourself a break. You don't have to live up to other's standards and expectations... Just your own.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    2 March 2019 in reply to Quercus
    Hey Nat. Thanks for jumping in. :)

    I had a chat to my friend and it sounded pretty much like it sort of "just happened" because of the circumstances they are in.

    I am actually pretty happy for him. But at the end of the day there's more to life and I know that.

    I spoke to him about my confidence basically plummeting. Again I'm not going out anywhere tonight because I don't have the emotional strength to do it. Does that make sense? It's been a rough and ready two weeks already. Since the whole overseas plan changed and such.

    This small casual job is related to my field of study so that's a plus.

    I think yesterday I just realised more than simply "being a virgin". Like that's not the issue. It's deeper than this.

    Im the type of person who needs to attach confidence to things I have succeeded at and things I've progressed with. There is a good deal of that over the past couple of years.

    Starting this casual thing should put me a good position to feel a bit better about myself.

    So it's okay-ish atm I guess.
  17. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    2 March 2019 in reply to HamSolo01
    I mean I have basically become a different person altogether now.

    The past few years have taught me this.

    Far more capable than I thought and used to believe and far more worthwhile than I never thought.

    It's not that this news from my friend effects me in anyway negatively. It's just that it brings up some stuff that's always been hard for me to deal with.

    I guess this is worth bringing up with my psychologist next time I see him.

    I managed to avoid hospital last month which is good. I also travelled to the USA and went to the first part of my course in Poland. I also completed my course and finally got my degree awarded. I have made new friends through meetup. I have support and I'm making progress. THAT is what I can base my confidence on.

    Eyes are useless when the mind is blind
    1 person found this helpful
  18. Quercus
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    3 March 2019 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    I think you have progressed a lot since you first joined the forums. It is good to see that you can remind yourself of what you have achieved and changed and experienced.

    I believe most people have a subject that makes them feel vulnerable and uncomfortable. People can mean well or just want to share and we end up triggered and feeling miserable.

    It is good that you are able to be happy for your friend and also that you can pinpoint things you need to talk to your psych about. It seems like a much healthier mindset overall and I do wish I had the same self awareness.

    Its ok to be too overwhelmed to go out. Sometimes we are so bloody hard on ourselves huh. There is nothing wrong than wanting time out alone.

    Please take care of yourself ok.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    3 March 2019 in reply to Quercus
    Agreed Nat. And thanks. I've missed your wise counsel :)

    The good old Orange Dingo-Fox haha.

    Sometimes we really are so hard on ourselves.

    You know I believe that there is a reason why certain issues can take on greater relevance for our individual lives than others.

    This issue of intimacy (because that's what it actually is) is one such thing for me. Exactly like you said.

    I genuinely think that I am in the latter stages of the negatives of my mental health. I'm not saying I am cured because that's a bit too obtuse for something so broad. I just think I manage things better.

    I am actually unsure if I have spoken about religion and the church environment that I used to be in. But this issue of sex and intimacy always came up given that the age I was at when I attended church was right in the middle of puberty. So not only do people see changes happening to them, they see themselves in certain ways which are different.

    Maybe a lot of the reason I have taken "the high road" as it were to sex and intimacy is due to this. I'm talking subconscious thoughts and responses to certain things.

    I mentioned, I think, that I went on a few dates last year and learned a great deal about myself. That was progress in itself. Before that? Very little.

    1 person found this helpful
  20. HamSolo01
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    820 posts
    3 March 2019 in reply to Quercus
    I believe that "something" like a soul exists. And for a good deal of my younger days as an adolescent I was tormented by a negative experience with religion.

    So perhaps it is time to revisit these things with my psych. Do some trauma based work or similar. We did this in relation to work and employment and I already feel a bit better about that area of my life.

    I won't see my psych for a little while... About three weeks. But I think this might be a good amount of time to wrestle with this intimacy and sex issue in a new way. In a healthy way.

    Self torment is terrible and I am guilty of that. But perhaps I need to revivify my entire approach to the intimacy and sex issue.

    We are complex beings and I believe that problems exist that are comorbid. I heard this term this morning and I like it. There are comorbid issues for me in this entire area.

    But rather than have that negativity towards myself in the area of intimacy it is better perhaps if I park the bus. Get to the core issues. Write them down. Develop on them. In a healthy new way.
    1 person found this helpful
  21. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    3 March 2019
    I had a chat to my sister this morning in the care about employment.

    My new job I start in Thursday will pay well. Then if I get another after I can save up and travel.

    This idea occurred to me yesterday because I keep recalling the good, beneficial experiences I had when I was overseas last year in November and December. I came back from that trip feeling like I'd learned a good deal about myself, people and the world.

    I think I caught a bit of the travel bug tbh. I am beginning to think that I need to do this again perhaps?

    I learned heaps. I learned that there is so much more to me as a person deep down that I can appreciate.

    Before I left I watched a neurology/psychiatric lecture and the person mentioned this:

    "We think more than we can say. We feel more than we can think. We live more than we can feel. And there is much else besides"

    I think that this sums up my experience.

    There is definitely much more to us than meets the eye.

    This is true for every one of us.
    1 person found this helpful
  22. Quercus
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    5 March 2019 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Sorry for the delay I had a bad night. Thank goodness for meds that work.

    I think your idea to revisit the idea of intimacy and beliefs and religion is a fantastic and worthwhile idea.

    When you write about being religious at school I feel like there is a lot of anger but also sadness and confusion and guilt. I'm probably wrong and most likely projecting my own emotions. But sexuality and religion were difficult for me to work through too so I do relate.

    I have mentioned an abusive relationship before. Part of why I stayed for so long was immense guilt and a feeling of disgust in myself. It was hard to accept that I had allowed myself to become intimate with someone who made my skin crawl.

    There was a huge element of shame when I realised the idea of a family with this man repulsed me. The idea of marrying him revolted me. But I stayed because I had sex with him and I felt strongly that that was supposed to be for my husband alone.

    I compare that to now. Even though hubby and I argue like mad and there are good days and horrible ones and times where I worry he will pack up and leave it feels right to me to be with him. There isn't any shame or guilt.

    What I'm saying I suppose is there is nothing wrong with not feeling the same as others about sex. I couldn't care less about what other people like to do. It took me time to learn what matters is that I feel comfortable with my actions.

    Part of that is figuring out what it IS that you feel comfortable with.

    For me marriage was sexually liberating. I hadn't realised that my own beliefs were what made me feel uncomfortable about sex.

    The difference in how I felt before we were married and after was surprising to me. It was like committing to my husband allowed me to accept that I am quite a sexual person which before was a source of shame and guilt.

    Enough. I am waffling about myself and it is boring. Definately worth talking to your psych about.

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    427 posts
    7 March 2019 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    I thought I'd jump in here just to give you some feedback.

    I think the way you look at your condition is quite inspiring to be honest.

    I haven't met you in person so I don't know how badly this affects you. I know you have spent time in hospital and I can relate to that. But I have been reading your most recent messages and your attitude and perspective on this must be commended. It's inspiring actually reading your takes on this and I only wish I could have as much as you do.

    I'm in no way attempting to diminish your own situation. I just think the way you discuss it on this forum is very enlightening and is badly needed in the way we talk about relationships in public discourse.

    "I genuinely think that I am in the latter stages of the negatives of my mental health. I'm not saying I am cured because that's a bit too obtuse for something so broad. I just think I manage things better."

    Wow, that's a powerful thing to say and I hope you can take great pride in that. You have come an awfully long way and you still have so much to look forward to and to develop on.

    "We are complex beings and I believe that problems exist that are comorbid. I heard this term this morning and I like it. There are comorbid issues for me in this entire area."

    Yep, so true. This is something I'm coming to realise about myself as well.

    I thought I'd mention that because I really think you have made progress. Generally its hard to see what kind of progress we have made unless someone shows us.

    2 people found this helpful
  24. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    11 March 2019 in reply to Azzdog
    Hey Aaron and Nat.

    Thanks again for your support and ongoing contributions. They mean a lot.

    Nat, what you wrote is familiar to me because of what was taught in the church I attended. So I do see what you are saying. Bad stuff. I am glad to hear you are where you are now :)

    You're quite right in fact.. Regret and sadness, anger and guilt over religion when I was younger. However most of that is now dead. It's just a ghost that haunts. I'm agnostic but with a tendency to think that there might be some greater designer to all of this. But definitely not the strict interpretation of the Christian God and jesus christ etc. Deism > theism.

    The only part that remains now is the regret. But so what. Life goes on. And so the journey continues. That's all in the rear view mirror now.

    I admire hour attidue Nat, I really do. It's encouraging :)

    Thanks Aaron. You are a good man. I can see this progression in myself in fact. At times it hits me and others I forget. But hey, where I stand now is better than where I was and maybe that's all that matters?
    2 people found this helpful
  25. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    427 posts
    11 March 2019 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    No worries, I think its important that you receive that feedback. It's inspiring and encouraging me to actually make some small changes of my own.

    You are certainly in a better place now than where you were before. It may not feel like much but its a start and something that you can keep building on. Don't have a ceiling on what you can achieve. Just keep improving day to day and build yourself into a well rounded individual. I don't know if that means much to you but it is what I am trying to do and I got that motivation from you. So keep at it my dude 👊

    2 people found this helpful
  26. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    29 April 2019 in reply to Azzdog

    Hey followers.

    Two years it's been since I joined the forums here.

    A lot has changed and yet much has stayed the same. I believe that life is like this.

    In terms of where I was, where I wanted to go back then and where I am now I think it's fair to say that there is a heap of different things have eventuated that I never would've foreseen.

    Words are strange things, but sometimes they aren't enough to express a raw feeling.

    Presently I am looking for work. That is my main priority. I managed to get a role with the elections in my state a few weeks back. So that was good, except it was temporary. But, it still counts.

    I also reached out to an old colleague who more or less, over stepped the line when providing feedback on something I did. I was basing what I did off of very vague instructions and I thought I did my best - only to be told otherwise. I think a mark of how my attitude has shifted was found in my response. I didn't respond right away. I let myself sink in and then process what was said. I even haven't read it in its entirety. This is because I don't want to read it with a bad mindset - where small things become big things. Not worth my emotional effort really. But this new level of self control is something I'm happy with.

    In terms of dating and relationships - I'm not bothered as much as I was. Since my post 2 years ago I've been on a couple of dates and learned some things about myself in the process. Now though I have shifted focus to my careerpath. I want to figure that out.

    I've learned to silence the bulls*** i hear about sex and relationships. Most of it is cheap. Built off the notion that I should feel inadequate. It's silly. I have no time or patience for it. I chose to focus on what matters.

    There is a beauty to life that I haven't appreciated for a while. Recently, I sat outside and watched the sunset over the hills opposite where I live. I just sat there and thought about everything from the past and where I am now. It was beautiful. I nearly shed a tear lol. I imagine if i had some music by Hans Zimmer then I would've.

    I think that focusing on the direct, the physical and the tangible has really helped too. What do I mean by that? Well by eliminating the concerns of the vague and the conceptual I have redirected my attention to the things that matter - friendships in real life, family and the things I care about. Priorities I guess?

    There are still challenges for me now. But then this is a sign that things have changed.

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3546 posts
    29 April 2019 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi Mitch,

    Such a positive post and a great attitude towards life. Thank you for sharing it with us all.

    I'm glad to hear you sounding more at peace within and accepting of yourself.

    In terms of work I've found thinking about what I need and want from my workplace a valuable activity. It helps a lot to love your work and find it interesting or challenging. What sort of work are you looking into?

    Good for you Mitch. Happy to hear you're feeling ok.

    Nat

  28. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    30 April 2019 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Nat. It seems I posted that positive post a bit too early. Today I feel crappy. I'm sick of feeling like a loser and failure.

    It's not as strong as it has been in the past but I'm just feeling really lethargic and annoyed. Maybe I should get off to the gym and see if I can work through this feeling. Maybe it is meds related idk.

  29. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    427 posts
    30 April 2019 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    That sucks that you are feeling down again. Feeling like a loser and a failure is something I feel like everyday so I can relate... but you knew that already.

    How did you go at the gym? Did anything bring it up or was it just another drop in mood?

    Hope you are okay brother.

  30. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    2 May 2019 in reply to Azzdog
    Hey Aaron
    Thanks for checking in.

    Yeah the gym helped me. I was really lethargic the other morning.
    So it spiked a bit of activity in me and I was able to come home and apply for two jobs.

    My new daily goal is to apply for two jobs. Yesterday I managed three. They were sitting there. So my weekly total is now at 7 which I am happy with. That's more than I've applied for in the past month (minus the last few days of course lol)

    I have a conference in a few weeks and I also will be working at the election. I did the same thing in the NSW election however this time around its obviously federal. My older role was more involved so I was hoping they'd see that and give me a similar one but no matter.

    It's better than nothing.

    As things go by I am making small improvements and I think i need to be patient with myself.

    Thanks again for checking in bud
    1 person found this helpful

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