Sorry I haven't checked in in the past few days. Girl problems doing my head in (I kid you not)
That said, it actually sounds like you've mentally been making some small steps along the way which has been nice to see.
"In the end I think I just need to refocus and readjust EVERYTHING in my mind. Start employing CBT in my spare time."
This pretty much sums it up. I mean, it's easier said than done, but it won't be done unless it's said, you know? So there - you've started already, haha.
Anyway, I thought I'd chime in on your thoughts about relationships because it's something I'm banging my head against the wall with at the moment.
Between my two long term relationships, I ended up doing exactly what you said - I got comfortable with the idea that I'd be alone, at least in the foreseeable future. I mean, it was kind of forced upon me when I got dumped then rejected/friendzoned repeatedly, but once I just focussed on what I wanted to do and met friends that way, I was just a lot more comfortable in my own skin.
And, yes, that's how the second relationship started - from a dancing class a friend dragged me into which I didn't want to go to. It was completely by chance.
Sometimes we can put so much energy into satisfying a need we think we want that we can actually miss these chance encounters which only occur when we focus on ourselves.
So a relationship/sex/love would be wonderful, but your need for it stems from a perceived emasculation without it. If that's a self-created thought and if we can't get rid of it, how else can you feel more comfortable as a male? Do you even need to be comfortable as a male and not just as a person?
I think of some people, who are male, who I respect - Lin Manuel Miranda is a songwriter who looks like he's never even been outside. A friend of mine is really into rock climbing and happens to have the body for it. These are things which are totally non-specific to gender, but also completely unrelated to their relationships.
So for me, it helps to just accept that I will feel pretty inadequate out of a relationship for now, but I know I value these things about people and if I develop them in myself, perhaps that feeling of inadequacy will slowly leave as it did before.