Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry to read your appointment got moved, sucks when that happens and no idea how they let is happen to be honest. I like the positivity of the stuff you plan to do in the meantime however. I have seen others almost curl up and go into hiding until the appointment... keeping the positivity up and doing things to help yourself is a major key so well done.

I know it's tough but try to never lose those values, I do not want to be cliché but the right girl will come along and absolutely adore that you are like that, you sound like you have so much to offer someone and in the end the right girl needs to be almost worthy of that. I know it's so damn tough cause you see how it seems to work in the real world that the nice guys finish last when it comes to dating but I still like to think myself it is not true and just keep true to yourself, if this is really how you feel hold onto those values cause they are great.

One thing I love doing when I'm down or want some pick me up.. google motivational videos on YouTube and listen to some, people put them together with various motivational speakers, speaking on life motivation and how to get motivated. You may find some useful stuff in them, not every single speech will resonate with you but some might.

Keep venting as well, it really seems to help you which is great.

My best,

Jay

Hey mate,

Sorry I haven't checked in in the past few days. Girl problems doing my head in (I kid you not)

That said, it actually sounds like you've mentally been making some small steps along the way which has been nice to see.

"In the end I think I just need to refocus and readjust EVERYTHING in my mind. Start employing CBT in my spare time."

This pretty much sums it up. I mean, it's easier said than done, but it won't be done unless it's said, you know? So there - you've started already, haha.

Anyway, I thought I'd chime in on your thoughts about relationships because it's something I'm banging my head against the wall with at the moment.

Between my two long term relationships, I ended up doing exactly what you said - I got comfortable with the idea that I'd be alone, at least in the foreseeable future. I mean, it was kind of forced upon me when I got dumped then rejected/friendzoned repeatedly, but once I just focussed on what I wanted to do and met friends that way, I was just a lot more comfortable in my own skin.

And, yes, that's how the second relationship started - from a dancing class a friend dragged me into which I didn't want to go to. It was completely by chance.

Sometimes we can put so much energy into satisfying a need we think we want that we can actually miss these chance encounters which only occur when we focus on ourselves.

So a relationship/sex/love would be wonderful, but your need for it stems from a perceived emasculation without it. If that's a self-created thought and if we can't get rid of it, how else can you feel more comfortable as a male? Do you even need to be comfortable as a male and not just as a person?

I think of some people, who are male, who I respect - Lin Manuel Miranda is a songwriter who looks like he's never even been outside. A friend of mine is really into rock climbing and happens to have the body for it. These are things which are totally non-specific to gender, but also completely unrelated to their relationships.

So for me, it helps to just accept that I will feel pretty inadequate out of a relationship for now, but I know I value these things about people and if I develop them in myself, perhaps that feeling of inadequacy will slowly leave as it did before.

James

Pretty much

I just feel like I'm dealing with about 6 different things at once right now.... making me stress a hell of a lot.

Had to do psychometric tests for the graduate positions.... bloody horrible haha. I swear I used to be good at that stuff. My moods ALWAYS effect my ability to think clearly and logically and sure enough my mind chooses this period of my life to screw with me - when I'm doing tests to determine whether or not I'd be suited to a job like that. A job like that would be perfect for me as it offers security and stability. But naturally in order to perform well at it you have to be secure and stable.... Catch-22.

On the plus side I'm not THAT keen on it anyway. I don't like the idea of being stuck in Canberra. Especially if there's an entire world out there. At least by doing my own thing and working for myself I'd be happier right?

I feel like these days people are conditioned into thinking one way or another. Whereas I'm like so not that.

Just gets demoralising with the constant stress.

Anywho, hope yous are well :)

Thanks again

Haha psychometric tests are the worst. I remember I had to do one while I was overseas in this little town called Whitby. I had to find a computer (it was the only place I stayed in a B&B rather than a hostel, so this was difficult) and had to do quick maths calculations with the bloody computer calculator. At the time, I didn't know you could use the numpad so I had to click all the damn buttons :( Yeah, I didn't get the job, lol.

I think it's good you're evaluating and re-evaluating what you want to do. It shows you're willing to consider options, but it sounds like you're a bit frustrated by that as well. Sometimes being a little less...thinky...is less stressful.

I've been working in finance for the last 4.5 years and I've now figured out that it's not for me. That could happen to you as well, but it's actually for the better. We learn a lot when we're doing different things - things that we wouldn't normally have picked.

So you sound like a pretty well-rounded guy from all the experiences you've had. Now it's a matter of letting yourself see that, and appreciating yourself for these qualities. After all, it's hard for others to see that if we don't let them, you know? :)

Stressful, for sure. But that's why we're here - to remind you that you're plugging along for a reason. Plus, you know, you're an interesting and well-spoken guy.

James

"Plus, you know, you're an interesting and well-spoken guy." hahaha if only chicks said this to me yeh? hehe

Idk man, I'm just stressed af and angst ridden while also being depressed.

New psych in 2 weeks will help I think. Group therapy I dunno what is happening there - they are going to contact me when they have a new round of sessions - 9 week commitment. Either way, I hope it goes ahead.

That's life I guess right?

I gotta admit though, this relationship things is really deep-seeded in me. I can't figure out why. I wish it would either go away OR I'd find one. It's weird. Everyone else seems capable of doing so. I dont have any friendship group that I am a part of - Just different friends dotted around the place and I kinda move around. Maybe that's why? ehhhh i just feel unwanted you know?

Hi HamSolo01,

Just seeing how you're doing 😊. How're you holding up?

Did you end up going to the old psychologist again? Hopefully he was helpful and didn't say "we've been over this before" again!

I don't have much of use to say today (in the process of lowering my dose to start a new lot of meds so I feel crap to be honest). But I just wanted to drop by and make sure you're ok.

Hey

Unfortunately I got the dates wrong and I missed the fact that the psych appointment was a day earlier. Ah well. I have more pressing matters to attend to with my mental health and I guess I could ask you considering this has been an outlet.

Here's the thing that's just come up today. 2 of my 'closest' friends still dont fully understand the fact that i deal with all this stuff right? Now, why is that? Because I've grown apart from them. Let's call them *tom and *jerry. Right. So, I’ve been on/off again with them both yeh? Well today for lunch I organised to catch up with tom. But naturally jerry came along too - they were probably talking to one another like normal… surely enough I
came up as a subject - given that I’ve been off the grid. Anyways, I was hoping to speak to tom about this mental health stuff. I want to because I’ve known him since childhood, same with jerry actually. But I can’t tell them both at once. Now they have some thing on tonight and they invited me - but it’ll be a repeat of last time I went. I’ll hate it and I’ll want to go. Jerry kindly reminded me that I did that last time with his stupid sense of humour… which annoyed me because I left becuase they all started talking about sex who was hooking up with who etc... I brushed it off but it made me remember that they both have no concept of any of this. Considering Tom recently told me that I can talk to him about this stuff last week, I might as well take him up on that offer. What I’m considering doing is just sending him a message and saying “thanks for inviting me tonight, but I kinda wanted to talk to you on your own today because of the mental health stuff. Jerry being there threw me off because he has a tendency to over-react etc etc.”

Basically something like that… But I dunno. It’s such a risk. What do you
reckon?

The easy answer is say no to going out tonight and that's the end of it. BUT I know that just makes it worse. Sitting there at the table... listening to them.... I'm surprised I didn't just get up and walk off. I knew I had to stick it out. But there comes a time where that has to stop and serious discussion must take place. I have been suicidal in the past. I take medication. I see a shrink. It's more than just 'feeling' depressed. My worry is that they'll brush it off and make fun of me. IF that does occur then fine. Friendship done. I don't want that, nor should I pre-empt it. But something needs to happen now. It's been this way for too long.

Hi HamSolo01,

Sorry I was out today just checked my phone.

Obviously it's your call but I think texting your friend and reminding him you needed to speak to him personally is a good idea. It's a good feeling having friends who actually understand what is happening with you so they can have your back.

I'd give the plans for tonight a go to. You can always leave if you feel uncomfortable. But at least you'll be out and hopefully enjoying yourself.

Hope you have a good weekend HamSolo01. I have my fingers crossed to hear tmw that you really enjoyed yourself 😊

Hey

Ive texted them. Will speak tomorrow. I figure that its best to be honest. "To thine own self be true"

I asked a couple of friends and they thought it was a good idea. If it works then good, im on the same level as them. Can work it out. I need a more male-based support. If it faultures then so be it - did what i had to. Was honest. Itll be interesting to see where it goes. I have a generally good feeling about it to be honest. He is a good guy. Its just hard at the moment. As long as he understands where im coming from and listens - after all he said he was there to talk if need be.

I decided against going tonight. Last time i went it was bad. Just left. Need an early one, been a busy week. Lack of sleep doesnt help either.

Thanks ! Hope you can too :)

Good for you HamSolo01!

I truly hope your talk goes well and he is supportive. I'm a firm believer in honesty after the last few days so I hope your talk helps you too.

One of the things I'm noticing is when I'm honest people open up more. Like my sister I didn't really know much about her personal life. Then we talked and now I understand why she is the way she is sometimes. It's a good thing to have real relationships not just people we hang out with.

Hope you manage to catch up on some sleep. I'm off tmw to take the kids to see my family (no reception) so will pop by Tues to see how you're going. Take care and hope everything goes well 😊

Hey Mitch,

I think you did the right thing by doing what you wanted and not going. If you're not going to have fun, don't put yourself out to be more stressed for the sake of others. There's a time and place for that, and this wasn't one of them. So good on you :)

Hope your chat to your friend goes well. He sounds like a good guy and it can be scary opening up to people, but it's better we try and find the ones that really matter, than stay closed up and mentally isolated.

James

Hi HamSolo01

Arrgh I just saw James called you Mitch and realised I hadn't asked if you preferred another name! Which do you use?

How did your weekend go? Was your friend receptive? Do you think you'll be able to speak to him more? I hope it went well.

How have you been progressing? You didn't go out to the thing with your friends (fair enough) but have you been trying out other interests?

I actually wanted to ask you if you had any ideas about ways to build self esteem? I spoke to my psychiatrist who says my self esteem is shattered and I'm not really having much luck thinking of ways to improve that.

The external approval of other people is helpful but he (psych) seems to think it's healthier if it's from within. What do you think? You've mentioned you struggle with this too has anyone given you good advice?

I'm going to raise this is psychotherapy Wednesday so if I get anything useful will let you know too.

Hope you're ok. Take care.

Hi HamSolo01,

Are you ok?

Just checking in. No need to reply unless you want to. Just know people are thinking of you.

Take care.

Hey guys, nice to hear from you.

I've been well i guess, given whats going on.

Spoke to my friend and all, was an interesting experience.

He said he had dealt with similar, but im sceptical of that. I didnt say too much, just apologised for bailing social things in the past and explained it wasnt because i hate them or anything. Probably got permanently uninvited to that group now, but oh well. He said in the end people will be there for me. I appreciated that, but again im sceptical as to whether or not it will lead to any positive change. Just gonna leave it for now. But i was honest and thats all that matters, i imagine he respected that. If not then so be it. But i didnt say too much. For fear of him trying to set me up with a girl.... which is a joke of a reply tbh. Anyways, time to leave that in the past i reckon.

Sunday was interesting. Had a good chat to parents and sister over what was going on for me. Happened to crack the sh*ts at dinner and ended up getting upset but it got worked through in the end. That is all that matters - if its worked out in the end. I can see my folks are proud of me and that makes me happy. I can see that i'll graduate and this will be a good step of progress in life for me. All the regrets i have kinda fall out of significance when i look at what i deal with on a daily basis.

As for my mental health...its relatively okay. Just gotta maintain a base level of health (eating enough because i lose my appetite easy due to depression, gym attendance, meds, sleeping right) i asked the GP about sleeping meds cause my sleep has been very average lately. Gave me melotonin - sleeping hormone.

As for approval.. ive been doing some thinking on that. I think we are all reliant on external approval to some extent. Some people have that streak more than others, people who crave attention for example need their approval. Internal validation precedes external i would say. Only when you validate from within can you determine what external validation is worth your time. Or else you will value yourself according to ANYONE elses standards. Sometimes i think to myself about people i cant get along with and ask if i even want their respect anyway. I reckon the trick is stop caring about other people for a few moments and remember why you deserve things. Easier said than done, its something i still struggle with though.

Hey HamSolo01,

Good to hear from you and even better to hear you're focusing on your health.

It's a shame you didn't get the reult you were hoping for from your friend. Don't give up on him though. Sometimes people aren't quite sure what to say or how to help. Maybe if you think of a few things he could do which would benefit you you could ask if he'd be willing to try. Like making sure if he hasn't heard from you in a while to harrass you to go out with him even if it's just to a movie or for a walk? Or maybe asking him to join you at the gym or a sport or something regularly? Sometimes people need to be told what you need or they get a bit stumped. What do you think?

Also I love this....

I think we are all reliant on external approval to some extent. Some people have that streak more than others, people who crave attention for example need their approval. Internal validation precedes external i would say. Only when you validate from within can you determine what external validation is worth your time. Or else you will value yourself according to ANYONE elses standards.

Totally echos what my psychiatrist said. He asked me why was I vulnerable to abuse? Why did I accept it even though I knew it was wrong. Because I think I'm worthless and inferior. Self esteem at 0%. I pretend beautifully and noone seems to notice but I know how I feel. What you wrote makes sense. I need to work on how I feel about myself. What do I want to do? What interests me?

The same applies to you... You worry about your degree and job prospects. If you closed your eyes and thought about it do you love your degree? Are you passionate about it? If you won lotto and money wasn't an issue what would you do? I know it's in the realm of unpractical advice which you find unhelpful... Sorry. But what do you want to do? Just for yourself not to please anyone else but you. Have you thought about that? I ask because I haven't.

I'm interested in your opinion on this. I figure building self esteem and self worth means following your own passions and doing what interests you. What do you think?

Hello everyone, it's your friendly neighbourhood busybody here. I haven't posted in this thread before, so I hope I don't come across too much as the neighbour listening in over the fence and butting in, but I've been enjoying reading through the posts here and seeing how you Ham Solo have been coming along.

Dealing with the rollercoaster of difficult emotions is tough at any age, but being aware of your feelings and being able to reflect on how you behaved in situations, where it got you, and how you might adjust that in the future to get closer to what you want is a skill that many of us twice your age are still figuring out. So thank you for inspiring us all on that front.

I wanted to support what Quercus is saying around following your passions. The lotto question is one I often ask myself when I feel really stuck, and yes it can sometimes lead you to some uncomfortable places.

Let's say, for example, that someone asked me, what's your absolute dream if there were no barriers, and my dream was to be a professional tennis player. Now, it wouldn't matter how much money I had, realistically at my age and with the best will in the world it's just not going to happen. So where do I go from there?

Well, there's going to be a period of grief and acceptance around letting go of that particular dream. But all is not lost. If I reflect deeper on that dream, and ask myself what do I imagine life would be like if I achieved that dream, how would I be feeling, it's going to throw up answers like - I would be fit and in shape, I would be more confident, I would feel validated, I would feel I had achieved something, I would feel respected.

Now, it is possible for me to achieve all of those things above in OTHER ways. And the beauty of it is, those things I describe above are really my actual goals. Very achievable! They will still be hard work, but now instead of one, unrealistic and unachievable path to getting there - being a professional tennis player - there are now potentially many paths I can try.

Heading back inside for a cup of tea now...

Hi JessF 😊

Sorry I had to have a giggle at your neighbour comment. I'm glad to hear your thoughts echo mine.

Sometimes I worry I don't have much to offer in the way of supporting you HamSolo01. So it's nice to hear JessF thinking along the same path.

What do you think? Hopefully it doesn't irritate you but I just keep thinking I'd have liked it if someone told me at 23 to sit down and really think about where my passions lie.

Hey Quercus and welcome to you JessF

I'lI reply to you tomorrow as im simply too tired at the moment. Non stop today and the whole week.

But im not too bad lately.

Thanks for your help

Take care :)

Hey Quercus (still trying to figure out how to pronounce that by the way haha) and JessF!

In regards to that friend, I figured it was best to let it lie for a little bit. In the future something may occur but I'm not actively going to try to cause something. There is a respect there still. But I think, because he has moved on in life (as have i) it makes it difficult. It's weird. He's the same guy, but different... Makes no sense right? lol. In the end though, it's a friendship - so by its nature its not something that can be cultivated through too much action. Kind of like a plant... you can trim it, and water it... but you can't actively make it grow in front of you.

I believe you are onto something when you say "Because I think I'm worthless and inferior. Self esteem at 0%. I pretend beautifully and noone seems to notice but I know how I feel." I think this is a common theme. I guess I ask myself the question at times, "do i KNOW this or do i THINK this?" There is a big difference between thinking and knowing something. You may think you are worthless... but that doesn't make it true. What you know is that you have a problem with regard to having little to no self worth. I do too. I think we can't risk entertaining the notion that we are undeserving. We are. That's it. No need to question it. If we must question it, then it has to be done in a good, safe way. I'm yet to figure that out though so your guess is as good as mine.

In regards to your question about closing my eyes and visualising? I think if I won the lotto and money was no problem I would go to EVERY country on earth. I'd take something of sentimental value from it and place it on a shelf in a room I would've added with the same money (let's say its 50million haha). The closest thing I can get to that? Travelling. Be it for recreation or work I have no preference. The advantage is that I am open-minded. It's just a matter of researching what I can do with my degree. Which is hard when I have all these assignments to do and money problems.. I saw something the other day that was open to graduate allowing you to travel and work which would be cool.I think I have to work in days and weeks though. Not years and decades.

I plan on going out this evening too, told a friend that I needed help with introducing myself and making new friends. This is a potential solution I guess.

Take care and thanks again.

Hi HamSolo01,

Hopefully you're out enjoying yourself (good for you for asking your friend for help)!

Yeah I wish I had ideas about self esteem. You're right when you say we just need to accept we are worth it (but my brain doesn't seem wired to accept that). Oh well small steps, small reminders and maybe a bit of help from loved ones and keep trying hey?

Hmmm travel. Ok. I can work with that. You have a degree so that opens up a lot of government departments and graduate positions. Yep I hear you groan and know you weren't keen but hear me out. I'm a public servant. In my department there are jobs advertised regularly asking for people to apply for overseas roles. Many govt departments offer similar. So it's worth looking into.

Then there is English teaching. Highly in demand in many countries! You tutor so there is some work experience. I'm not sure what extra study you'd need to complete but again worth looking into.

If you don't want to use your degree you could try jobs with cruise ships. Or bartending. Loads of people work abroad after uni so employers don't usually look down on work like this because you have kept employment of some sort.

I'm drawing a blank on your degree (remember it's humanities but detail escapes me). Is it something that the army or navy would or could use? One of the girls from my work left to become a Navy communications technician and she loves it.

There are ways to work and travel you've just got to be a bit creative about it. What do you think?

As for your friend I'm glad you haven't given up on him.

Enjoy your weekend 😊

I feel like everything is lost

pressure is killing me and i have been thinking to end my life.

I can't face that I am failing and cannot imagine what my life will be in the next two months.

Hi Givemehope,

I'm sorry you haven't had a response quicker. When you post in another thread like this you risk getting lost as people often look for new threads instead. Could you please consider starting another thread in welcome/orientation so that you are given the support that you need?

I'm sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment. The most important thing is to make sure you are safe. There are phone lines available all hours such as the suicide phone back service 1300 659 467 or the helpline at the top of your screen. Please consider using these because the forums aren't always an immediate response. Or please know that going to your nearest ER is absolutely appropriate too.

Have you made an appointment to see your GP or psychologist? If not make sure you book a double appointment so that the GP has the time to dedicate to help you and talk.

Now that the necessary parts are explained... You are safe here and welcome to talk about whatever you need to. And there are lots of people here who just want to help you and make you feel welcome and supported. Please keep talking.

Take care of yourself and I'll keep a look out for your new thread (or talk here either way is ok).

Hi GMH, welcome to BB

I am sorry that you are feeling a bit lost, and I applaud you for reaching out for assistance, it's not the easiest thing to do... ask for help. May I recommend that you pick up the phone and ring the hotline 1300 22 4636 or lifeline on 13 11 14.

It is a better idea to start a new thread than to post on an existing thread. Many of us support champions actively look for for the threads that haven't had any replies yet. So please create a new thread with whatever questions you may have. We'd love to hear how you are doing.

SB

ps; you're not alone, there are many of us out there ready to help.

Hey there

Weirdly enough you are amongst people with similar experience. I myself dont have ANY idea where ill be in 2 months. Its really stressful. But atm im at hospital. Knew this would help in the moment i needed it.

I hope you find thehelp you need :)

Hi Mitch (is it ok if I call you that?)

Are you okay? If you need to vent or talk we're here.

Hospital is sometimes the best place to be. I'm really glad to hear that you went to hospital to keep yourself safe.

Thinking of you and hoping you are getting the help you need. We'll be here when you go home. Little steps and day by day.

Hey.

Yeah call me that if you so desire.

the psychiatrist said that there wouldnt be much point staying in the hospital given that it may make things worse. My moods are low but its not medication that will fix it (good thing im moving to a new psych yeah?)

Most of my sh*t is social and emotional thoughts that get in the way. Anyway, im waiting to see what they say now. They may refer me on to the acute service team near where i live.

Good thing too, hospital is enough to make anyone despressed. My last experience here was dull and i was bored the whole time. But it was the rest and recharge when i needed it. Today was just a very bad day. Thats mental health though i guess right?

Hi HamSolo01,

I'll stick with that until you ask otherwise 😊 It's not about what I want it's about what you prefer.

You sound very low. Did anything happen that triggered you? Obviously tell me to bugger off if you don't want to talk. The last few posts you seemed to be doing ok. I hope my posts about work and travel haven't upset you. I agree MI are exhausting. You think you're doing ok and then out of the blue a single comment can undo all your good work. But we've just got to keep trying. Little steps. Good support networks. And being honest. You'll get there HamSolo01. So will I. It's just crap at the moment and hard to see forward to something better.

How long now until your new psych? Maybe book a few sessions closer together until you start to feel a bit more stable? That way you don't have to worry about not being able to get an appointment if you need it.

Take care and keep talking. I've got to go take the kids for a playdate but will check back in on you later on ok. Try and rest.

hey :)

I think what set me off was talking to a friend i ran into this morning about internships/experience/work etc - same old thing. I've begun to realise just how much the 'odds' are stacked against me in regard to the career path I've chosen. It's all networking, it's all overseas experience, it's all ideas, it's all how well you put your case forward. I said all this sort of stuff to the psych at the hospital which was a good outlet to get off my chest - but it's not like I can expect them to change that right? lol.

All I can do at this stage is make use of what connections I have left. My plan is basically to contact a person I know through a social enterprise I'm 'involved' with already, and hopefully conjure enough confidence to get one of my current tutors to provide an academic reference (advantage is that I've been in contact with him lately vis a vie an essay on America i have to do). the process of applying for internships with think tanks and such is easily something I hate doing - it's just a reminder of how little I have. It's a bit like that whole "you need experience to get experience" quandry that exists. I've also got in contact with the australian network on disabilities who help out with networking for those with disabilities - hopefully they will help me out in some way.

Work and travel haven't upset me. In fact they've helped me think outside the box. I am totally 100% open to getting experience overseas, even if it means having to to another country for a volunteer internship. I'm adaptable.

My greatest fear after graduating is that I'll waste my mind and intellect. That is something I value about myself. It's just a case of being able to display that, work through my own depression and get to where I would like to be.

that's about it for me with regards to career prospects - My goal is just to graduate. Even if I get bad results I don't care too much. One's intellect isn't just represented by their academic merit - sadly in my case my academic merit has taken a hit due to my mental health. My determination is to fight through that and get control of my mind again - by employing good CBT. so everything comes back to my mental health again.

I'm seeing my psychiatrist tomorrow, the hospital said it was good idea to. I see my new psychologist on friday this week and im going to get a phonecall from the acute services team too who are really good.

"little steps, good support networks, being honest" bang on! Thanks :)

Hi HamSolo01,

I'm glad to hear you've got the psychiatrist and psych appointments coming up. And it was a good call to go to the hospital when it got a bit much.

Graduating is a big achievement worth being proud of. It really doesn't matter if you pass or graduate with distiction most employers just care that you've put in the effort to complete the degree. So just keep going. Do the best you can at the moment that's all that matters.

The only advice I can give is just get your foot in the door. Use what connections you have and just start at the bottom. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that! So many people at my work get employed because of who they know and they're so bloody rubbish at the jobs they don't last. Meanwhile the people who have worked their way up and actually earned their positions stick around. 1 because they are good at the job they do. And 2 because they have the respect of their peers who know they have earned their position.

Don't bother listening to other graduates and what they're doing. Just focus on getting your foot in the door regardless of if you think the job is beneath you. Once you're in you can work your way up.

And above all that your health comes first. There's no point fighting for a fantastic job of you are so emotionally exhausted you fall apart.

Like I said little steps. Take care of yourself, finish your degree, take any job or experience you can and go from there once you feel able. It will be okay HamSolo01. Little steps 😊