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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. HamSolo01
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    13 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey

    Yeah yesterday was a bad day no doubt. Started out bad too. Having said that, it's usually the bad days that make me see what's really going on. It might be a heightened sense of urgency that shows through on a bad day that makes me catastrophise? But then again I can't help but think that it's somewhat true. I feel like days where I'm okay or relatively good are the result of me deluding myself into thinking it's all okay. And I hate that because it feels like that's what has been going on for the past 4 years anyway.

    You are absolutely right about finding out about her being religious and that it might put me on the defensive. The reason religion upsets me is it screwed me up on a subconscious level throughout high school. Constantly feeling guilty for feeling and saying certain things. Thinking that I would go to hell if I didn't accept all of the bible etc etc.. The list goes on. I went to a religious school (even though my family were not religious, they sent me there because it was a good school. I maintain it was average, it wasn't THAT good but they were easily impressed). All the way through high school that poisoned my sense of self and sense of self acceptance. Now I can wholeheartedly say that it's all garbage. I believe none of it. I don't need an ancient book written by illiterate shepherds to tell me I'm a worthwhile human being. THIS is basically what it took to believe all of that. I'm not interested in any of it. My concern is that she will try to convert me back or try to tell me what I was taught wasn't "real" or "true"... I've been there done that. They all say that the other person is wrong or untrue... None of them know anything lol.

    To be honest, I feel like my experience with religion is to blame for a lot of my issues of self-worth and self-esteem. It could also be why i obsess over relationships and sex. They were always big on sexual morality. I remember freaking out about this stuff and seeing the biblical counsellor for help and he would always judge me and tell me i was being sinful.  I just feel like I need to talk about it freely with a psych so I can get that 'chestnut' out of the way. But if she is religious herself then it's going to be like I offend her. I'm considering seeing a second one already. I raised this with my mum and she said to be careful because i dont want to offend her (typical mum, always worried about others lol). But it's my appointment ffs..

  2. HamSolo01
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    13 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Two posts today lol

    Volunteer work etc is good yes. I must always remember that I'm taking small steps in the correct direction and as a result I'm making progress.

    The sense of urgency i have is weird. I'm beginning to feel like I'm fixing myself for someone else (religion again right?) and not just so that I can be happy and fulfilled in my own life. You know I think I am somewhat. It's just a matter of finding it at a deeper level.

    Indeed. There is nothing wrong with being introverted. Someone once told me that the tall, reasonably good looking guy who was shy was hot hahaha. I'll gladly take that role up if that's the case haha. That's basically what I am. Thing is I need to own it. I've mentioned in the past that I've seen girls (generally just people as well) looking at me and I think initially i took that the wrong way. As a kid I always felt like people were looking at me and judging me... but they were just looking... doesn't mean they were judging..Perhaps this is also something that impacts me from childhood coupled with religion?

    I'm not sure and this is why I want to ask my psych. I tried raising it last week but she pretty much denied it from the outset without letting me explain. I pressed her though, and got my explanation out. Then it became that weird dichotomy all religious people put forward where it's "this is what society says and its bad" vs "this is what I think and it's good because it matches religion" and is therefore better. Problem is I don't like either lol.

    I've found that lately having a sense of humour about things helps as well. It takes the edge off. Plus it releases endorphins.

    Yes, I had to knock back that job offer but so what right? That's how it is. Big deal. I also applied for it a month ago when things were different so yeah.. must remember this. Back then I was still fulltime uni. I had a hospital visit as well.. gee whiz..

    You are right yes :) I need to pay more attention to things that are going on which help me too I think. Again.. pay myself more credit. People do speak to me about this and want to help. It's just a matter of remembering it.

    I spoke to someone on the online counselling with beyondblue the other day about that religion stuff too. They said maybe try calling mensline to see if they can help with getting a psych etc. Might as well give them a ring later today.

    Thanks again Quercus. You are really helping me with all this :) Thanks again :)

    *fist bump*

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  3. Quercus
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    14 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    ​I'm glad talking here is helping you even a little. How has your day been? Are you ok?

    I'm a bit confused about the religion stuff you talked about. Your school sounds incredibly forceful and strict. I have faith even though my parents refused to let us do religious education or take us to church. I asked to go to a catholic high school and my experience was very very different from yours. A lot more acceptance and room for grey areas. I thought I'd better tell you that in case you find talking to me uncomfortable?

    I've found holding on to blame and anger is unhelpful. I am angry all the time at myself for being weak and at my ex for what he did. I'm not quite sure how to move forward but I do know blaming him and being angry doesn't help me feel better. It was an experience. I can't change what happened but I can choose to learn from my experience and start fresh. Same with you. You can accept your own beliefs now and act as you think and feel is right for you.

    Oh and there's nothing wrong with wanting to be better for someone else. Even within a relationship that doesn't fade. Even after so many years of marriage I still want to impress my husband. It's a good feeling to feel wanted and loved. But you're also right that it should also be about what you want.

    I wonder if you can think about accepting that there isn't a need to 'fix' yourself. You bring this up a lot. Everyone has faults. My hubby is a cleanliness fan and bossy. Would like me to mop the floor twice daily. Can't cope with mess. At all. If I'm energetic it's annoying, if I'm tired it makes me angry. But I wouldn't change him. He is how he is and I love him. We find a compromise. My point is .... Yes you need to manage your mental condition but also consider that when someone cares strongly for you they will focus on your good points and accept the things that frustrate them as part of 'you'.

    Anyway I need to sleep. Take care of yourself HamSolo01.

  4. BballJ
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    14 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I haven't been on the forums recently but caught up with reading a bulk of your last few posts... had a couple of days a few days ago and once again came out of it... A theme I have noticed in your posts, when you have bad days... you don't ignore them the following day.. you justify why they were a bad day and think about everything in a more rational frame of mind which I think is a great skill... you may not see it as a skill but many people would just shove the bad days under the carpet and never think about them again, but you almost think them through which is great.

    I understand everything you are saying about religion and what not. I imagine it would be hard to find a psych without religious beliefs but mensline may be able to help, even the Beyond Blue helpline or online chat may also help with finding another psych if that's the route you 100% want to take.

    One thing I read in some of your posts and that you don't think you're worth it and that you should be all find by now.. unfortunately there is no time frame for getting better, it is a journey and I know it sounds cliché but it is. Think about the people who need help and never ever ask for it, you are and that is the best thing... mark it as an achievement... you know you want to get better... others tend to hold onto it and never seek the help they deserve... you are... you are worth it and owe it to yourself.

    Hopefully last couple of days have been better for you.

    My best,

    Jay

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  5. HamSolo01
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    15 June 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hey guys

    the past week has been very up and down. I'm just sick of feeling like this day in day out. It honestly does feel like im going nowhere in life. Im still quite angry with my parents. I cant actually explain why. But i am. I think i feel like they are to blame because none of this would've been happening had i been raised right. I feel like ive had my social growth stunted or i havent developed the social skills required at my age. Age is a big thing that seems to be coming up as well. I feel like at age 23 i should be enjoying life. Im really not. I hate it. I have no money and i have lost more friends than i have gained them. Im alone most of the time apart from family and they are starting to annoy me. I keep seeing everyone around me enjoying themselves and having the time of their life and yet im here sulking like a little kid. Its sad. Whats worse is i have no idea what to do to fix it. It feels like im going in circles. I keep trying to do new things, put in effort to find work and make new connections but its failing. I think i hate everything and everyone. Im just not happy. Im just bored with feeling this bad all the time and i can't figure out what to do. No one has any idea. I fail socially and just about everywhere else as well. It feels like im wasting my mind and my youth. I could've set up a good career by now but instead im just sad and unhappy all the time. I hate how everyone around me is hapoy and seems to be figuring things out. Im just lost and sad all the time.

    I even get to a point where i question my diagnosis. Im so over all of this crap.

    On the better days, i only am able to look back over the bad days and question why it was bad when i feel like it has any worth. I dont think it does tbh. Maybe i just look back over things anyway regardless. At the heart of it i just dont care. I really dont. Im just going through the motions to see if it will help. I dont think it will tbh. Im just a lonesome, friend losing, introverted, unmanly, virginised loser who wont go anywhere in life and will always hate himself. Its been that way so far why would it change? 4 years has done nothing. People just abandon me and dont give a crap.. im clearly nlt worth people's time.

  6. Quercus
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    15 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    ​No. You're not a waste of time. You're not a loser that is the depression talking!

    Time to go to your psychiatrist and show him the post and be honest about how low you feel. And ask for a medication review.

    I'm worried about you. You need to take care of yourself please.

    I'm not in a good place right now am changing meds. I'll write whenever I can ok.

    You're not alone HamSolo01 and there are people who care about you and want you to feel well.

    Just small steps. One day at a time. And hospital if needed. But seriously are your meds helping?

    Please take care of yourself

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  7. BballJ
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    15 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    You are definitely not a loser... as Quercus said, that is the depression talking. You are stronger than this mental beast... I call it a beast because it is so hard to overcome. You are worth it and you think you're not worth peoples time but look at all the people who have responded to your post, especially Quercus... we care about your well being and just want the best for you. I am glad you find the forums safe to vent in, I truly think it helps. I know you are angry at your parents but this is where you need them the most I feel.

    May I ask, do you speak to your psych or have you spoken to your psych about all those feelings in your last post, that you feel you are going no where, I'd be interested to hear there response to it all. I know its dark at the moment but believe me the light is there. You will get through this.

    Side note: Quercus, I hope you are doing ok, I know you said you are not in a good place, please get better, these forums are much better when you are posting.

    My best,

    Jay

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  8. HamSolo01
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    15 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey

    thanks again for your concern :)

    He said no amount of meds will help if my thinking is out of whack (or words to that effect)

    I'm off to the psych tomorrow. Round 2. Will see how it goes I guess.

    Thanks again and I hope you are going well with your med changes

  9. Quercus
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    16 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Firstly, thank you Jay that was a nice feeling seeing your comment. I will be ok and will get back online once I'm stable. And thanks HamSolo01 for your thoughts because they echo some of the things in my head and responding to you helps me too.

    Changing your outlook and the way you think? Ok that's a good idea in theory but if your moods are all over the place it's very hard to even put one foot in front of the other let alone expend the energy on changing yourself.

    I'd get a second opinion to be honest. You said you worry about your diagnosis... would another viewpoint hurt? Maybe discuss this with the psych and get her feedback too. And maybe your GP?

    Maybe consider letting your psychiatrist see your thread. Are you as open to him as you are here? Look at your thread... Your moods are all over the place. It doesn't seem unreasonable to me to feel that these mood changes are not right. Especially given that you are on medication. What do you think? What do your family think in terms of your mood?

    Take care and I hope tomorrow's visit to the psych is helpful to you. Please keep venting and writing if it helps you.

  10. HamSolo01
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    16 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey

    I plan on going today to the psych and I will raise it with her - the up down moods thing. Sometimes I worry I could be bipolar... but then I dunno if my lows and highs are totally sporadic or if they are brought on by good strategies that I have learned? Hard to tell really. Especially when you yourself are the primary source of info, it means your biases can influence what's interpreted.

    I might book into the GP at some point next week and ask him to put me onto a male psychologist - just to check if it will be different. The religion thing really pesters me tbh. It's silly to blame every problem in my life on religion's influence in my formative years but then I can't help it. I really despise it. (btw that has no bearing on your advice even if you yourself are religious). My mum said it should make no difference and she is right... but it does in a very subtle way. You can tell this by what some psychologists say in regards to meaning and values. Kind of like what I was talking about before. It also means I can't talk to her about certain male related stuff if you catch my drift. It's just awkward. So I should probably get onto that ASAP actually...

    Tbh I don't really think that's the source of the problem though. I think the source of the problem is deeper. That's what I want to tackle today. Spoke to a friend of mine who has bipolar about that stuff yesterday too so that was helpful.

    You are right about the moods thing though. I think I will bring it up in today's appointment.

    Thanks again :)

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  11. Quercus
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    16 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    How did your appointment go? How are you today?

    I guess it makes sense that your religious learning bothers you. Because I find when I'm depressed or anxious I go back to what I learned early in life... To be quiet. To appease and perform and be a moderator regardless of how I feel. Does that make any sense. Probably not. My mind is all over the place today.

    I hope you can try and push through your anxiety and speak to the female psych first before going to a new psych. I think you might find her responses useful. I feel uncomfortable talking to my psychiatrist about sexual issues but his responses have been very useful. A completely different way of looking at the situation because he is male. Worthwhile taking the risk and pushing myself to speak.

    Anyway hope you are ok today. Take care and keep those little steps happening.

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  12. Quercus
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    18 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey HamSolo01,

    Just popping in to see if you're ok? How'd your appointment go?

    Just have to share this with you....

    I really hope it gives you even the slightest measure of hope.

    Yesterday I took my ferals for icecream after swimming lessons and the only spot outside was next to a couple who were on a date. Unavoidable not to eavesdrop even though I tried not to.

    It was quite possibly the most awkward yet gorgeous date I have ever witnessed. He had the worst anxiety I have ever seen. Wouldn't make eye contact with her. Mumbled. One word answers. Painfully shy. And she stuck it out. Patient. Endless patience!

    Kept catching his attention when a person walked by and freaked him out. Kept trying new topics till she struck gold and he felt comfortable enough to open up. I cheered in my head 😊.

    By the time we left they were happily chatting away. It was pretty clear to anyone she was smitten.

    As we left I gave her a smile. She blushed and gave me a massive smile in return. Then pointed out my kids covered head to toe with icecream to him and he laughed.

    My point. There is hope. There are women out there with patience. You just haven't met her yet 😊

    Hope you are feeling ok today.

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  13. HamSolo01
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    18 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey

    my appointment was good because we spoke about the importance of accepting myself and actually realising that having mental illness is just "the way it is". Rather try to fix it, or get rid of it, or fight it I just need to accept it for what it is and move on in life. I must stop expecting to be able to fix EVERYTHING at once. There are basically 3 things I always need to have in mind. Make sure I'm on the right track, give myself more credit and go easy on myself. I really don't know why I'm so hard on myself but it's just making the entire process worse. A large part of me still wouldn't accept my mental health for what it was. I think this was born out of fear or out of something like it. Possibly even realising that if I accepted it then that would mean I was on way to getting functional and better again. I think I kind of wanted to avoid that or else I would feel more regretful about not having done it sooner. So often it plagues my mind about how life is going to be hard and that means less chance to enjoy youth. I feel (Still) that I've wasted my time on nothing at all. But I guess that's the demon of mental illness right? Things could've been so much worse really.

    So many of my depressive episodes are normally brought on when I look over the past few years and think "I've achieved nothing and I'm still poor, why did I pick my degree, I'm wasting time etc etc etc".

    Focusing on the past gets one nowhere. It's literally THAT simple. I guess the path forward now is just taking more and more things into consideration. Focus on the immediate needs for my mental health and give myself room to practice what I've worked on during CBT.

    I think the next step is to find things to do to take up my time. I'm considering (strongly) signing up with Uber. Just to earn some extra cash. Money is making me nervous. So I need to get onto that. Also going to extend my tutoring sessions into 2 hours. Justify it by saying exams are around the corner. I'm trying to look for work as well but I think it may still be too soon. That's the logic of volunteering I guess isn't it?

    continued below..

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  14. HamSolo01
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    18 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    oh hey haha, didn't even realise that you had posted that... I'll continue my response and then respond to your new comment

    The relationships thing still bugs me (and it comes from the whole "focusing too much on the past" thing too). I'm planning on going to a few new meetups (reading and tabletop games) over the next couple of weeks. Last Friday I went to vivid as a friend invited me. Was hard because I thought would be 5th wheeling but I actually got past a big hurdle in my mind that was plaguing me. Basically I thought "either go and be a 5th wheel and just embrace the hell out of that OR stay home and get one step closer to agoraphobia". When I looked at it like that I was able to kind of see that I'm not at an agoraphobic stage and that is a VERY good thing. So I pushed myself and went along. Luckily i wasnt 5th wheeling as some other friend was there too so it shattered that whole thing. But it didn't make the experience "less hard" if you know what I mean. But I stuck it out (in the cold too haha) and had a reasonable time. My friend is really good because she has depression and helps me with stuff which is good. I know the people vaguely well too so that's nice to be able to kinda catch up and see where things are at.

    I had to knock back a job offer at a bookshop in the city too - I applied for that before I dropped to part time. Couldn't even call the people back. Went over it with my psych, problem was I got way too confused and lost over how to be a "normal" human again. My thoughts go into overdrive and it spirals. I catastrophise about it still (even though its old news), but I must remember that there are always going to be opportunities. Just a case of managing my thoughts and moods and then being able to see them. There is plenty of opportunity. Just a matter of keeping an eye out for it. Back into a solid routine with gym as well. Was worried I was losing weight but it's just a case of putting more weight on the bars I guess haha. Sleep is improving somewhat and I'm working things out. Going to run in a funrun in july too. Raise money for a mental health charity I've been involved with in the past. Should be a good way to raise awareness but also tell people that what I have is serious and not just a weird thing.

    still more to come haha, got a lot to say

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  15. HamSolo01
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    18 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    And your story made me smile. I feel like that would be me haha. In a weird sense I think that girl was probably smitten by him because he was being honest enough to show that he was shy but still trying. THAT gives me hope. He wasn't putting on a show like most guys do. I think once I really begin to accept my mental health for what it is then I can improve my self-esteem. Things will always be in a state of "could be better" so it's about time I accepted that and focused on whatever was next. Maybe I will find a nice girl via uber haha? Imagine that. THAT would make me laugh. Actually, part of the reason I want to do uber is to work on my conversational ability. Generally it's not something I struggle with, but when I have conversations there are MILLIONS of thoughts in the back of my mind about how I'm screwing up. This is a way out of that I think.

    I actually realised I kinda asked a girl out back in march. Not a date at all. Not into her that way. But it was basically asking someone to do something when I barely knew them. Helped by the fact I know her through a depression help site. Funny old world isn't it? Nothing romantic there though.

    I think this is what happened to me last year on that tinder date I went on too btw. I was just really nervous because it was the first date I'd been on. We had a lot in common too, but it still seemed awkward for me. I remember I actually told her from the outset that I had mental health trouble and she was understanding. I think she respected that about me. But hey, it's the past now and I learned from it. (See how I reflect positively on it now? different hey?)But then again i was also kinda surprised because she looked different. She probably thought the same about me too I guess haha.

    Considering going back onto online dating. I feel like that's the best way I can be honest and also work on my self-esteem. But I'll go out a few more times in the next weeks and develop my skills. I will get there I can see it.

    I hope that date those two were on was successful haha. You can't help but smile when you see things like that. People who aren't afraid to be real. I think this is a strength I have. Being real. Once I accept it in myself then it will become reality. If all those times i have seen a girl look at me in "certain" way count for anything then I don't think I need to worry about how I look. Just about how I view myself hey? But anyway. As I said, baby steps at this point.

    thanks again for your help :)

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  16. BballJ
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    18 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Caught up on your last few replies to Quercus... seeing a lot more positivity coming through your posts now.. I feel the counsellor is doing good things for you which is great to read. Did you end up going back to your GP and seeing if you could see a male psychologist or are you sticking it out with this current one? They do honestly seem to be helping.

    I like the idea of Uber driving, I know people who have done it and they love it, one guy was friendly and got a girls number haha, so I guess you never know that you might meet someone doing it. Online dating may be an option as you said to look at again, this day and age, most people meet online and I love it because you can be yourself without the awkwardness of a first date which can make you shy, makes me shy and I found it a lot easier to speak to girls I met online than in person cause I would go into a shell and not be myself. I like that you are challenging yourself to go out as well, I am a big believer in throwing yourself into the deep end and just adjusting, generally you're better off for it.

    How was your weekend been anyway?

    My best,

    Jay

  17. Quercus
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    18 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo01,

    It's great to see you in a good place. The psych really seems to help you. Have you considered scheduling appointments more often?

    I like the idea of taking things slowly. Just one step at a time. I'm working on self esteem at the moment. Just focusing on one thing at a time I suppose to avoid being overwhelmed.

    Good for you getting out with friends. It is great to hear you're not agoraphobic but I agree just got to keep talking to people and practising. Uber sounds like a good idea. Short conversations and again practise 😊.

    I'm with Jay (pro online dating) met my husband that way actually even though we'd probably passed eachother every days for years at uni (our schools were right next to eachother haha). Just be careful. Hubby and I talked online for months and then texted. I was so guarded and not sure I wanted to meet anyone but he was patient and I was a goner 😊. I think Jay is right if you get to know them first over time it makes it a lot less nervewracking when you meet.

    Anyway I'm glad to hear you are in a good place right now. Hope you keep taking the psychs advice and taking it slowly and taking care of yourself.

  18. james1
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    19 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    I loved reading those little stories of yours, haha. It's nice to sometimes reflect on things that go well because we can forget that we are doing lots of good stuff.

    I'm an excellent third wheeler. It's something I've just gotten used to and I totally embrace the fact that it's a couple + me, haha. I even went travelling for a month as a third wheel!

    I met the girl I'm currently seeing online. Not tinder, but one of the other ones. And it was after a darn long time of having half-relationships or just being rejected outright. But yeah, each one's a learning experience and the biggest thing is just to remember to relax and have fun. I try to take one little bit of my weirdness in so it's not too strange, but by letting down my guard in that way, it just breaks the awkwardness a little bit :)

    Baby steps for sure, but that's all we need.

    James

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  19. Quercus
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    21 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Right well now that I've given myself the kick in the butt I needed and got myself back to breathing space and staying safe it's time to say the hard stuff. Sorry in advance but it needs to be said.

    I just saw your other thread. About giving yourself till the new year to make changes. What has happened today? I understand you are in pain. You are lost. And down. And sick of the mood swings. But giving yourself ultimatums is not helpful to you.

    You're back down again. It sucks. I know. I've clawed my way back out of it today too. And I hate this feeling. I hate feeling out of control and hopeless and helpless. But it will pass. We just keep trying.

    I took a huge reality check today. Realised that even if I wasn't depressed my life is going to be crap a lot of the time. That's just part of my circumstances (small kids and immune disease). Funny thing is though I realised I'm ok with that if I can just stop wanting to die all the time. Went from big expectations and feeling good to settling for not wanting to die.

    My point is you are expecting massive changes of yourself. Setting time frames. Being so hard on yourself. Yep I could be talking about myself there too. But we undermine ourselves doing stuff like that. We set ourselves up to feel like failures. But that's the depression speaking. You are worthwhile. You're not a failure.

    We've got to try be realistic and set goals that can happen and time frames that make sense. For example accepting that depression and anxiety are conditions we'll have to learn to manage over years.

    What is an achievable goal that will help you?

    How about finding a psych you trust and can talk to?

    How about examining your triggers. What are they? What happens in your mind and how can you avoid them or change how you approach them?

    I'm worried about you HamSolo01.

    Please try be gentle to yourself.

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  20. HamSolo01
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    21 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey

    thanks again for sticking out for me. Appreciate it.

    About 5 mins after posting that i booked in to see my gp today and im going to explicitly say that i want a non religious psychologist.

    People keep saying that religion shouldn't be allowed to influence psychology... but in my experience this is a very naive attitude. I've been too negatively effected by religion in order to risk having a therapist who believes it. I tried raising the issue of religion and its effects on me with the new psych and she dismissed my concerns out of hand. That really fustrated me. Plus i cant talk about these things with a woman psych anyway. Too awkward. Especially if she's gonna get offended.

    Hopefully the GP knows what to do. But if he is clueless (he's contracted by the medical centre i go to) then screw that. I'll have to go back to the family gp i hate and start over. Tbh i dont care really. I just want a bloody psych who knows what they are doing and wont try to subtly throw religion in with what they are saying.

    Im beginning to identify my triggers and its helping. Sex and relationships is a big one. And this is due to religion i think. In fact it has to be.

    You mentioned in previous posta that you were religious? that's okay because this is a forum to express ideas over what works and doesn't work and to share strategies. Don't think i won't listen to you because of your religion. I value people and not their religion. Thats the best approach i find. But for the purposes of my therapy i need to talk about this and having a religious psych wont help.

    I also want to try group therapy. I enquired with acap about it but i havent heard anything back.. its a numbers thing. So im now back into looking for that. Any ideas? specifically youth based ones? I will raise this with the gp. But again if he is clueless, then i am out of that place and going back to the family gp. Might even give headspace a call and see if they can help. They are an intervention model and not so much a continuing treatment option but they may know. Could even ring where i used to work at.

    Thanks again quercus

    will keep you posted

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  21. Quercus
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    21 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo01,

    You're welcome. It helps me too. And I've been there (in my 20s feeling like a failure and depressed) so sometimes you say things and I'm like yep been there it sucks.

    Ok. So a new psych. Thats good. If you don't feel comfortable you won't let her help you so keep trying. I have no idea how it works to find one who doesn't practise religion I suppose the doc will have more knowledge on that. On the other side you seem ok talking to us online so maybe it's more you need to find one who won't push ideas onto you and will accept your right to feel differently. I think most professionals should be like that but religion is a difficult subject I suppose because it does shape how you feel about certain things professional or not.

    But also keep in mind the idea of going back to the old psych in the meantime. He didn't sound great but you seemed comfortable to talk openly to him and he knows your story so while you look at least you have someone to talk to. What do you think about this?

    In my view relationships and sex will continue to be a trigger and probably get worse if you're not even trying to meet someone. You mentioned online stuff. Are you going to give it a try? I just find one of your common themes is frustration at yourself for letting time pass without acting. So what is the harm in talking online? Meet some new people? Maybe you'll be surprised to find someone and even if not you'll probably make some new friends. At least you can say you are helping yourself.

    The support groups sound like a really good idea. Maybe contact them again and ask? If nothing comes up look into a group activity some sort of class maybe that gets you out enjoying yourself and meeting people. Local libraries have heaps of free courses they run. Hubby just went to a free beekeeping one.

    Anyway I am thinking of you and hoping you can keep trying. And I'll be here growling quietly in my mum like overprotective way when you make threads like yesterday. Come on HamSolo01 we can do this yeah. Small steps. Little changes and if it all goes to pot we pick ourselves up and keep trying.

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  22. HamSolo01
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    21 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    the gp visit was useful

    he told me about a local psych who had good reviews and feedback. He is younger too which i think will help. Whether he is religious or not? who knows. I feel better about it already and thats all that matters. I think its more important i speak with a male about the sex stuff because i can find it awkward otherwise. If he is religious then so be it? but the point is i feel comfortable talking to a male about it. Thats all that matters really. Part of his approach is apparently goal setting etc so here is a chance to set some up hey?

    Today has been a good day. Im slowly figuring out my post uni options and ive narrowed it down a tad. Sounds bold i know, but im thinking of going overseas to do postgrad. Set myself up and become totally independent. Ive contacted a tutor i had this semester and im getting some tips about how to find out more.

    I think a move out of home to a new place will give me a sense of control and freedom. Im very independent but i just struggle with self esteem. My anxiety/depression stems a lot from feeling like im out of control of my life. My mum reckons its a good idea. Maybe even melbourne could work as we have family there who could help me get work.

    A lot of this comes back to embracing myself and who i am. I have started doing this and it helps. Gradual exposure to things will help too. Once i really accept myself then it works out. There have been times in the past wherecsuch things come about. Lately im unstable because im actually dealing with the problem.. because im shattering the mirrors around me that reflect negativity..

    How? accepting them. Thats how you deal with it. You accept it. And then you move into new opportunities. By and large i am doing this. Im making progress and i can see it. In really small ways It all counts.

    The group sessions must be starting soon too. Got a call today from them for the initial assessment. If i get in then itll be good :)

    I did some reading on reddit last night about relationships and virginity. It seems as if its attractive to hold on to your virginity if you are a guy (attractive to the right girls that is) so Im moving forward in that area too.

    In terms of meeting new people and online dating etc i guess im making progress. Downloaded some apps which ive had moderate success with in the past. The trick will be not to obsess over it. Baby steps really.

    Overall i feel okay. Gradually accepting things and making plans.

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  23. HamSolo01
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    21 June 2017

    I think too that by accepting all this i can start to figure out how things are not all that bad.

    My friend told me last week i was cool when i was out at vivid. So that was good. Tbh i felt like it went well so its nice to see. I have a few meetup groups on the radar too including art and reading and videogames. Took a friend out for his bday and shouted him lunch yesterday and we were talking about this stuff and how some of our mutual friends just dont get it.

    Again more impotus for doing the funrun.

    i think im gonna make a list of all the things i got going for me tonight. Or tomorrow. Just reflect on my life as a whole.

    Anyways better leave it there. Shops are closing now lol

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  24. HamSolo01
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    21 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    for some reason my last post hasn't got through and i sent it over 2 hours ago..

    really annoyed by that because i had some good stuff in it. Ah well. What you gotta do..

    Basically more of the same really. Looking forward to seeing where this psych will go. I have still got my appointment booked this week so i will probably go to it. I have this new one in my back pocket so i will definitely use it when i have to. Soon I reckon.

    Slowly it feels as if things are piecing together. One step at a time i guess hey?

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  25. BballJ
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    21 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I know Quercus is doing a great job replying to you and you respond really well to them, I do hope my posts are helping in some way, I am here purely for support and I read all of your posts and try to add value where I can so I do apologise if my advice isn't great.

    You seem to be doing well again which is great, I like that you have the new psych in the back pocket as well, having options I think is great on your journey to recovery. I was taken back a bit by one thing you said and that was about moving out of home, I think that is another great idea of yours. Moving out and getting that real freedom can really be liberating, I know it can be tough financially but it is worth it long term because of how independent you become even though you already see yourself as independent. Moving overseas would be awesome, I would love to do it personally so if you could do it, that would be amazing.

    Regarding the religious stuff, I personally have religious beliefs which I keep to myself of course, I don't find putting them onto other people helps me or the other person. I can see it has caused you a lot of heartache and understand completely your reasoning for not wanting a religious based psychologist as well.

    How did the list of things you have going for you, go tonight? Hopefully it was filled up.

    My best,

    Jay

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  26. Quercus
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    22 June 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Hi HamSolo01 (and you too Jay),

    How are you doing today? Are the positive feelings from yesterday still going strong? I like the recent posts from both of you.

    Jay is right your Mum makes a lot of sense. Smart woman. I'm not sure why I didn't pick up on that you lived at home ... I'm sorry.

    Leaving home is an important step of being an adult. Part of accepting you are free to feel how you want to and are truly independent and have the right to do what you want and to learn who you are for yourself.

    My sister told me once it is really difficult to feel comfortable putting yourself out there in a relationship if it's under the eyes of your family.

    And then there is the part about judgement. As a woman... meeting a man who lives at home is a concern. When I met my husband he had moved back home while he sorted out buying a home of his own. Once this was explained to me I understood but my initial response when he said he lived at home was to back off.

    Maybe it's just me but I would find that more of a concern than lack of sexual experience. You are 23 so it's not a big deal but that said I think your Mum is right. You need to be independent. Learn to have to cope with life on your own. It sounds harsh but living on your own and paying your own bills and making your own way in the world is a vital step because it is hard work. But it also teaches you that you're a lot stronger than you thought you were.

    The biggest thing I learnt when I left the ex, finished uni and moved out by myself is that I am not my parents. I am not my partner. I have likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses and choices and responses that are all mine and noone elses.

    It was scary but liberating to realise I am an unique human being and that I can make my own decisions just for me. I think this will be a really good thing for you too.

    What do you think about this? I don't even think overseas is necessary just renting your own place is a massive achievement and shows you respect yourself as an adult independent of your parents. Paying your own bills and budgeting is a good feeling too.

  27. HamSolo01
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    22 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey.

    Thanks to both of you for replies :)

    Today is running okay so far. Went to gym and then got my meds topped up. Ran into a mutual friend while I was drinking my coffee at the bakery I go to afterwards. Was a good chance to work on my improv conversation skill. I think i lead myself to believe im not that great at it.. thats where it goes downhill. I even saw the dude there and called him out by name. Was shocked by my assertiveness lol. The tempting thought is to think to myself "well if i could do that then why couldn't i have gone up to that girl at uni in the lecture" but thats a seperate thing entirely.. foolish to be retrospective like that. Requiring different skills too. Baby steps yet again.

    in regards to moving out? there are 2 options.. either i get a graduate program in canberra and take it up or i do other stuff. Postgrad overseas seems like a good option. The reality is that what i study is arbitrary and i havent really got expertise... just a really well developed ability to argue and write. So it seems like postgrad would be a great option. Overseas because the postgrad opportunities are very average here.. less competitive overseas.. and i can reset the grid if i go overseas too. Guess this could be the case with melbourne too hey? Either way i wont be staying in sydney for that long. Too costly and im not gonna run myself into the ground and make myself worse.

    Family friend has offered up experience at his company so that'll help. Build up my skill and confidence to be able to progress into new opportunities. Baby steps yet again. Ill be part timing with uni so its a chance to build up skill prior to graduation.

    Will be back in an hour to fill out more, just gotta shower up after gym haha

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  28. HamSolo01
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    22 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Back

    thing is that I have the skills and abilities to live on my own - no trouble there

    At the moment it is the financial side of things. I can see that I am getting closer to that level of functioning so that's good.

    I think this goes back to the whole 'comparing myself to other people my age' thing that I tend to do a lot of. Making age the factor in those comparisons is rather silly. But I mean so many of the things we do are silly aren't they? Over time it is going. So long as I am on the right track with my mental health I see everything else as slowly coming together. So glad that I postponed study and will be going back next semester. Best choice this year dare I say.

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  29. BballJ
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    22 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    I think it's great that you got that person's attention.. the assertiveness I think is stemming from the fact you are slowly gaining confidence in yourself. I can see it in your writing so I think it is slowly coming out, baby steps as you said, you will work the confidence to speak to that girl at uni or any girl really... I don't think it ever gets easier to speak to the opposite sex in my opinion but with time you just build a confidence and that's what helps.

    I like the idea of studying or working abroad, the experience you will gain will be priceless. It is great that a family friend is also giving you some experience as well, that is like gold these days and I think that will give you such an advantage going forward.

    Regarding the financial issues of moving out, it is true and there is no hiding from it, but all it means is you have to live within your means and budget accordingly. The independence is so great however.

    My best,

    Jay

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  30. HamSolo01
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    23 June 2017 in reply to BballJ

    hey all

    at the moment im feeling pretty low

    its good i could identify what it was that has brought it on (finding out that i may not get to do that volunteering thing) has annoyed me. I just get sick of rejection letters.

    Psych was okay today. I do feel like ive made progress, its just at times i feel like im leading myself on. I dunno i guess.. just depression and anxiety in a nutshell i guess right?

    i think i need to focus this next week on uni. I have an essay to finish and an exam to prepare for. They must be the focus. I might also apply for a tutoring gig insaw advertised on the jobs list through uni. That's something i have exp with so it wont require new skill. And ill also need to get on top of uber. So thats 3 or 4 things for the week ahead.

    I think the REAL reason i feel bad right now as i type this is is a combo of tiredness and low moods that come from feeling like ive failed. I know i havent failed but as im sure yous are aware.. we can feel differently to what we know.

    I need to try to stop worrying about my image and attractiveness. Went over this a bit today with psych but not too much. Might book in to see new psych next week too. Goal setting would be good.

    But yeah right now im gonna read my book, tune out from the world, eat dinner and go to bed early. Got gym early morning tomorrow which will be help. I find its a good oultet for depression and anxiety. Progress is progress. And i must stop worrying about "wasted time". Too often i rip into myself about how i couldve found new friends and got work experience, got laid, travelled etc.. but all this time there has been nothing. Problem is that its not accurate for starters.. and its also my own life we are talking about here. Thats all. Bo one else's. I will do my own thing at my own pace.

    This pain i feel at the moment is temporary.

    Just gotta ride this one out. And remember the good things. Hard as it may be to see them, they are there.

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