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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I just feel like i have no chance..

Topic: I just feel like i have no chance..

  1. HamSolo01
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    29 June 2017 in reply to BballJ

    hey

    yeah ive had a bit of a better day... but the night was terrible..

    i keep feeling so inadequate and ugly. I deleted all the photos on my online dating profile cause i hare the way i look in them. I can just see sadness.. Plus i dont even know what you have to do in order to get a response.. I'm clearly not cut out to be in any sort of relationship. Im 23 for goodness sake. Thats it. Im done now. Not even going to bother trying. Im letting go of any hope because i just get upset and disappointed. Im off to the new psych today and i guess if im feeling this bad its a good thing... be able to talk about it. But im sick of talking about it tbh. Im ovee this feeling of ugliness and disgust. Feelings count for nothing in todays world. I dont care how nice i might sound... it doesnt mean anything in todays dating culture. All my life ive felt like ive never fitted in and that ive been a loser. Now its just confirmed to me. I really must be.

    Anyway i havent even gotten out of bed yet. I sleep like crap coz i wake up at night feeling alone and isolated and ugly. I got bo hope in this world. Im 23 and never been kissed... its just sad... i swear if i had then i wouldnt be depressed..

    I hate myself for getting this bad. Today is my last hope. Im just gonna be honest and upfront. I feel like a failure because of my inability to get a date, my lack of relationship history, the fact im wasting my youth, i have no life, no hope and no point to any of it. Im sick of it. I cant sleep right, my parents dont care, ive lost friends and im OVER being told otherwise. If it WAS otherwise then it wouldnt be this bad.

    Rant over

  2. james1
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    29 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mitch, maybe having a break from the dating website is a good idea. I kept going on breaks because it really hurts your self confidence even just being there and not getting views/likes/messages or whatever.

    I found it helpful to be unavailable and notice the other things in life. It's hard when you equate life with relationships but you know just as well as any of us that there's more in life you want to do.

    LIterature, for example.

    I loved BNW too and the ending is so very dark. I think the dark stories are wonderful because they're the ones that expose the ugly side to life. But in a way, it's kind of necessary right? The ugly side. We wouldn't be human without it. Not that we need to get better at being bad, but at least BNW acknowledge them and show us to be what we really are: savages, but with a side that is very pure.

    Have you ever read the play (or watched the movie adaptation) of "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"

    James

  3. Quercus
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    29 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo01,

    I'm glad you've got the new psych today given how you're feeling. Being honest sounds like a good way to go. I'm sorry you're in such a hard place right now and mist of all that you're feeling hopeless.

    I do understand the need for external validation. I struggle with how I feel about my appearance. Always have even before some experiences made those feelings worse. It is nice to have someone validate that you are attractive to them. Sometimes I find we need that initial approval to start feeling ok about ourselves.

    Ok story time. Private one so please be kind. Not my usual feel good be strong stuff but maybe a different approach.

    My friend who I dated after the abusive ex (the one who felt like a brother to be honest... Yep disturbing but we were pretty messed up). The one who was your age and a virgin. He felt the same as what you talk about. Told he's attractive but can't see it in himself. Feeling embarrassed of himself. Somewhat ashamed to even entertain the idea of someone liking him because he had been "left on the shelf" for so long.

    Now the other approach... This is incredibly unhealthy! But it worked for him I suppose. He accepted a date with his friend (me) after being talked into it I suppose. I was pretty honest "you're nice, your cute and you don't frighten me". So he let me work on his self esteem. And taught me to relearn some of the harsh lessons I'd learnt. We were friends helping eachother out I suppose. Ending this was painful. I left him because he was confident and ready to move forward and I didn't love him. I told him so.

    We stayed friends for a little while. Until we both fell in love with other people. It wasn't healthy for us to remain friends. Or fair on our spouses. He is happily married. His wife is a wonderful woman I have a lot of respect for.

    My point... You are distressed about your lack of experience. This is understandable. But is this distress is stopping you from moving forward? If never having kissed someone is going to stop you from living your life and be a constant source of hurt and embarrassment can you ask for help. You said you have close girl friends. Is having an honest discussion with them possible? Would you be able to ask if they'd kiss you?

    I know it sounds morally repugnant. But that's why I started with this is unhealthy but a different viewpoint. Ask yourself and your psych would this cause you damage or maybe help you?

    Just my random 5 cents. Ignore as you will ok.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. james1
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    29 June 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hey Quercus,

    Wow that's super brave of you to share that.

    One of the things I had been thinking about before but never ended up saying, but you've opened that little door...

    Mitch - you know that movie Perks of being a Wallflower? Maybe you haven't seen it, but the main character has a lot of internal struggles which basically mean he's never really been kissed. Anyway, a friend kisses him because she wants his first kiss to be from someone who loved him, not from someone who wanted to use him (as she had been used herself).

    I guess my point is two-fold:

    One is that the kiss was one way of her showing him that she cared and loved him, despite her having a boyfriend at the time. But it wasn't the only way - it was just the one way that he felt mattered, and so she wanted to make sure it was special for him.

    Two: if it hasn't happened yet, that's nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it just means it hasn't happened. I know you know this, but I'm just saying it because the alternative is made very clear by this movie. Get that first choice wrong, and it can hurt really badly. Look too hard, and that first choice may be someone using you, rather than with someone who you truly care about, and who truly cares about you. Far better to wait for someone good for you to come along, whether it's a wonderful friend or a potential romantic interest.

    James

    2 people found this helpful
  5. BenignSky
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    29 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey, Mitch,

    Night is always the hardest, it's where everything creeps up on you and you feel really alone. Just the other night I was crying because no one was in bed next to me, and I firmly believe that no one will. It's what our mind does. Our brain picks on us when we are at our most vulnerable state, and plays on our weaknesses, and for most, that weakness is romance/love. It's cruel, what we do to ourselves; we often forget all the good inside us. It's weird, you know, how we can convince ourselves that we are nothing, yet there's people around us or people we pass that would give you a double look or have this urge to know you.

    I will keep telling you every day what I think of you, and you can choose to believe it or not, but I will prove to you that there is someone who thinks a lot about you. I know you said you're over it, you're over feeling like this, over talking about it, over listening to people telling you how nice you are yet no one wants to prove it to you. I would prove it to you. If I could.

    I like what Quercus suggested about asking your female friends. It could be something to try, might give you that little confidence boost, or that feeling of "hey, I can do this". You're not a bad guy. You're really sweet. You're worth it. You're special.

    I care about you, and I hate that you feel this way, it really breaks my heart. I think you're an incredible guy. I will keep reassuring you that a girl will come along who will get you, and you can have your first kiss, your first time, your first everything.

    I know what it feels like to not be loved, and it's the worst feeling.

    I'm here for you, and everyone else on here is too.

    *hug* I'd hug you very tightly if I could.

    Take care, lovely, it will all be okay,

    - Em

  6. Guest_128
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    29 June 2017 in reply to james1

    Ok Ham, I'm back.😬

    I haven't read everything as it wouldn't all sink in.

    So

    go to the biggest gym near you,see if they have other classes ie yoga etc

    if you don't have all ready get a dog,big chic magnet.

    Get your girl mates all together and tell them what's going down,tell them you want help with a makeover,haircut,clothes shoes,whatever they think,ask them what they think you should do.

    Make a game of it ,they will all compete to be top dog(sorry)

    And for god sacks have some fun

    Later

    ps you can get help elsewhere and no one needs to know.

    please give it ago or I'm gonna belt you,can I say that?

    1 person found this helpful
  7. HamSolo01
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    29 June 2017

    hey all

    thanks for your help

    saw the new psych today and it proved quite helpful, raised all this stuff too. A lot it is tied inextricably to self esteem and self worth. So Quercus, while your idea sounds okay i honestly dont think it'd work. Believe it or not i tried to do this on monday through reddit.. and i freaked out when i got a response. So i planned it out to meet up with this girl who i "met" through reddit. But i didnt get a response from her on the day itself and i nearly crapped my pants. I think is because what i need in an intimate scenario is a certain level of security and safety - intimacy basically. Besides, the female friends i have aren't exactly.. "like that" if you get what i mean. Having said that i do talk to them about this, two in particular. Both in relationships. They both know what crap is going down for me. One of them told me that its hard to operate in world where sex and relationships are everywhere. She said that she got busier in her life by trying to enjoy it as best as she possibly could. This is something the new psych will help with too. But my friend told me that when she did this, people came into her life. Its funny because exactly the same thing has happened to me, even if it were limited.

    I guess this is proving to me that its not that im gross or ugly or anything. Its that i must improve a) my life generally and b) realise now is not too late to instigate this change.

    I think its far better that i get this advice from female friends than asking them to practoce kissing lol. Performance will not be a problem when i actually care and have romantic feelings. I feel like anything else would be wooden.. fake too. Id rather my first time and all be with someone who cared. Why? cause thats what i would want from someone. This leads me to the conclusion that the root cause of the depression is deeper than merely a relationship thing. It goes to the core of how i see myself. I guess this is truly the thing to work at hey?

    While the feelings of jealousy and angst may hit me hard on some days... the strength is in standing up again. Rise each time you fall. Batman quote again right?

    Em, Jay and 9names thanks again for your help. Em you are too kinda haha, sending muchos hugs back. Stay strong kiddo :) Jay, i think youre exactly right. 9names i loved your approach. Ill adopt it, but in my own way haha, thats what a real guy does yeh? lol

    I feel like today is a line in the sand. A good one. Onwards and upwards :)

    1 person found this helpful
  8. james1
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    29 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01
    Big thumbs up mate!
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  9. BenignSky
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    29 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    It makes me happy that you were able to find a psych that you can open up to, and that you finally realised you're not all the horrible things you proclaimed yourself to be. It's true what your friend said, about how keeping busy and getting involved in activities that she loved, brings people who also have similar interests into your life. You're guaranteed to meet someone who is like-minded as you. You know, it's not bad that you haven't done anything with a girl yet; as I've mentioned before, some girls will find that insanely adorable and sweet.

    I know what you mean about intimacy. It can't just be anyone kissing you. It has to be someone you connect with, someone you want to be with, someone who wants to be with you. Not an act of kindness from a friend or a random hook up. It shows that you're mature enough to handle a solid relationship; it's just a matter of finding that other half, but I'm sure she will find you if you get yourself out there. I think the hardest thing for you will be getting yourself out there, and trying to break through those walls you've put up.

    I told you, you aren't a bad guy, and I'm glad that was reinforced today. You're special. You just grew up faster than the majority of your age group, so it just means you're on the outer for the moment. But people come back and sort themselves out and get back on the horse. Love comes when you least expect it. So don't expect it, I guess.

    They anger and self-loathing will hit you, like you said. Being able to stand up to yourself and force those negative thoughts away is a really strong and powerful skill to have, and something I admire, something I struggle with every day. Yeah, there will be times when you can't cope with them, everything is too much, but it doesn't mean you're not a man or worthy. Just means you need to feel for a bit.

    Same thing goes for relationships; if you haven't had one, doesn't make you any less manly. I believe it makes you more so, because you didn't confine to society's expectations of your stereotypical young male, and your stereotypical young female, and your stereotypical relationship. Be weird, be awkward, be a geek. It's who you are. I love that. Nothing is more sexy and attractive than someone who accepts themselves for who they are, and isn't afraid to do the things I love.

    You are you. And you is amazing. More than amazing, but I don't want to go too far, ha.

    I'm happy today got better for you <3

    - Em

  10. BballJ
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    29 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Excellent stuff mate, the positivity is shining back through, when you are in a positive mindset, you really believe you can do and achieve anything and that is what I get when I read those posts from you.

    I honestly believe that when you stop chasing a relationship and just focus on your life and being a better version of yourself every day but doing it for yourself then someone somehow will just walk into your life and you won't remember anything different. It is a classic love story scenario really. I like that the new psych seemed to of helped you as well, these mental health issues are always deeper than what we think, it's getting to the roots of the issues and we understand them a lot better.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Quercus
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    29 June 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo01,

    Good for you. It is a great thing that you know your own mind. What matters to you and what doesn't. What you want to do and what feels wrong. You can make your own mind up.

    Personally I'm kind of pleased you weren't struck with my idea because in a lot of ways it sucks and hurts. It was ok for me I suppose because at the time I was broken. I hope for better for you.

    So good for you. Wait for someone special. Someone you are comfortable with. You know that is an awesome thing right? It says a lot about the strength of your character.

    Glad to hear this new psych has helped. You sound a lot calmer in yourself tonight. It's good to see.

    Take care of yourself Hamsolo01.

    A few side comments...

    Thanks for your comment James I appreciated it. That wasn't an easy thing to write so I was comforted to hear someone else had thought similar.

    And Later.. You crack me up 😊 for someone who worries about not having the right words you do brilliant things! I hope your daughter is stable and you are taking care of yourself too!

  12. HamSolo01
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    1 July 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Morning everyone

    pretty intense this past week

    Today i woke up early... like i seem to do every day now.. I don't know why..

    Anyway, I decided I would go to the gym and beat the cold.

    It was okay. I had to bail though because for some reason I felt really angsty and depressed.. to the point of actually wanting to vomit.

    I jumped in the car and started crying and getting annoyed - similar to how i felt the other day when i made that other post. Just angry and resentful. If I'm honest I'm really annoyed at my parents for sending me to that school. I feel like it did more damage than good. Naturally they will look at the fact I got a HSC and went to Uni... but like there is more to it than that. Those meetings with the biblical counselor really had a negative effect on me and I think I'm only beginning to appreciate it.

    When I saw the new psych on Thursday I could tell it will get better. He can only do 3 more due to him going on leave for a bit which is okay. I feel that by then I will have a bit more of a routine in play. That's something I'm going to work on with him too btw.

    I've been doing some thinking in the past few hours and I think I'm going to set myself a goal. The goal is that by Christmas 2018 I will be independent. By independent I mean that I will be living independently. I'm taking into consideration everything the psychs and what you've all been saying and that is that I am mature. I feel like maybe it's time I take advantage of that. To be honest, I think my folks would be happy to help me with that. But I would clearly need to be able to support part of it myself. But that's why I've set the goal for Christmas 2018. That way it will depend on what I'm doing, my grad roles etc. I figured that my mental health experience has taught me a good deal of resilience and that is not up debate. I am resilient. No doubts there. What is in question is my self worth and self esteem. That's being worked on I guess.

    I saw my old psych yesterday for the last time and couldn't help but think "yeh good thing im leaving" because i really did not like her approach. Had to go though, because of the fee - they make you pay all the cost if you cancel...

    Anyway. Got a friends bday tonight in the inner city, then tutoring tomorrow. Airport training on monday.

    Onwards and upwards i suppose..

    2 people found this helpful
  13. BenignSky
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    1 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey, dude,

    Im really happy that you've found a psych you're comfortable with and set a go that is achievable and gives you room to move, and that you're going out and doing things, keeping occupied.

    Onwards and upwards indeed my friend.

    Lots of love,

    Em

  14. HamSolo01
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    2 July 2017 in reply to BenignSky

    hey all

    just got some stuff to get off my chest and out of my head

    when i saw the psych on thursday he made the point that i have this self awarness element of my personality. I made the point that it either works for or against me, in my case its more of the latter.

    As a result of letting this go unchecked/unkept ive ended up in the sh*tstorm that im now in. I have to admit this and its damn hard. Ive had good and bad moments but i feel like when i look back i have nothing ti show for the past 4 or 5 years of my life.

    This is when regret, self pitty and self hate kick in. Why? because thats the default status of my mental health. I guess the self awareness is like a ying and yang thing.

    Secondly, to go back to what i was going through earlier in the week about feeling gross ugly etc.. i realised i felt like this REGARDLESS. Its like it was a default status. Like what psychs call core beliefs. A core belief list is something im gonna do tonight (actually do, not just say i will). Last night when i was out they were taking photos and occassionally they wanted me in it, but they took it and i saw that i looked cringeworthy. Actually hated it. Its because i see a tinge of sadness behind the eyes. The sadness that has plagued me for so long, the very sadness that im now starting to overcome. I realised this, but later in the night my friend held me accountable to my request to take photos of me (so that id break out) sure enough an opportunity came up and took some. Coz my friend is smaller thn i am we took a photo comparing heights, and we are both laughing. Thing is i WAS happy in it. I noticed that by accepting what i initially saw (sadness) i was able to spin it around and enjoy myself.

    Today im at the shops before tutoring a kid this arvo thinking it was good to be out foing something right? i brought a new coat and the girl at the counter was saying how cold it was and she was going to the snow... BOOM there goes my confidence. Two things i CANT do. Afford a holiday and go with friends (due to losing them). But as i sit here writing this eating my lunch the frikin batman music comes on spotify. I had my ears plugged in so i dont have to listen to the noise of the shops... W

    What i begin to realise is that in the past 4 years or so.. ive survived suicide. Ive come THAT close. Ive hated myself.. I hated everythinh but STILL got through it. This has come through accepting it.

    im getting teary haha..

    anyway, point is its working.

    cheers :)

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  15. BballJ
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    2 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    You are spot on right... it is working.. slowly and carefully but it is working. You will become that inspiration soon that people look to and will gain strength from knowing you have come out of mental health battles and overcome them, like many great people on these forums have. I like threads like these because it allows people who are afraid to post maybe that there is up and down days on the road to recovery but my gosh with determination like yours, you will get there.

    The new psych sounds awesome and I really like the goal you have set yourself. It's very achievable and I do hope you achieve it, the fact you said your parents would support you in wanting to do that is even better as well.

    What's plans for this week?

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Quercus
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    3 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Those last posts of yours were interesting to read. Seriously.. Reread them.

    You said.... About self hate and pity...

    Thats the default status of my mental health.

    I understand that. And you can see it in your posts..

    Put yourself down, pick yourself back up.

    Negative thoughts, positive thoughts.

    Plans to help yourself...then self doubt self sabotage.

    When I read your words my impression was that you're almost fighting yourself. I do this too. It is so incredibly exhausting. No wonder you feel teary.

    But your strength shows clearly too. Changing your default behaviours, actions and feelings is bloody hard work. I'm in the process of this too. We fail. We try again. Have a good day. Plummet. Steps forward. Steps back. Try and try again. It is hard work but you are strong and you have help and supports around you. You can do this.

    Another user Blond Guy says often about not fighting your mental illness. I think this has been a significant thing for me to learn. Have you considered this? You expend so much energy trying to fight the way you are. I do this too. It doesn't help me. It exhausts me. I feel like I fail.

    So I'm trying to focus on what things are essential for me to change and what can I afford to let slide and accept. For example I know I need to work on how I feel about myself. It is unhealthy the way I see myself and I sabotage myself by feeling and acting inferior to others. So that is my essential change. Self esteem building and accepting I have needs and feelings that are equally as valid as others. That is it. The rest of it I don't have the energy to fight.

    So I'm moody and weird. I say the wrong things am too honest to strangers. I waffle and forget to get to the point. I yell at my kids and my house is chaos. I don't use my degree and am crap at my job and couldn't really care less. I have no drive or competitiveness. I don't call or text my friends for weeks sometimes. I don't leave the house sometimes. I have panic attacks and forget who my husband is. All in all my faults could go on for ages. But you know what? I'm over fighting all of those things. I am who I am. Mental illness and physical illness has changed me and I am not who I envisaged myself to be. But that's ok. My family and friends love me regardless.

    The only person who can't see that I'm worthwhile is me.

    Sound familiar? What do you think about this?

    You're doing great HamSolo01 give yourself a bit of credit for the progress you've made 😊

  17. HamSolo01
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    3 July 2017 in reply to Quercus

    hey

    i think accepting it is a form fighting it in my case

    this is because i still struggle to accept it

    yesterday when i wrote that i realised that i was indeed on the right path

    I did tutoring after and was able to help the student get back on track, went wildly off topic too but it was good. This particular student struggles to accept that they are very capable. Sound familiar? lol

    anyway im now at the international airport departures gate, got training for that volunteer thing. Its funny you know as i stand here in the freezing cold, with my coffee looking at the sun's reflection on the building opposite... i feel at peace or something. Like there's still plenty more opportunity out there as long as im on the right path with my MH then things shall work out :)

    btw there are people who are smoking here and just standing around lol.. in the freezing cold... there are better ways to warm up haha

    anywho

    i think this thread is slowly going to become a diary of sorts

    thanks guys, have a good one :)

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  18. james1
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    3 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey mate,

    It's funny you mention that bit about just standing waiting with your coffee in the cold and looking at the sun's reflection.

    I've had the same thing waiting for my flight to central australia and even the odd moment just watching the sun set over a river where I run.e

    I think there must just be something in being cold and in nature that just grounds you in the real-ness of the massive world full of opportunity, rather than getting stuck in our comparatively smaller minds.

    You've made lots of progress in the last few years and it's good you've found the right support with your psych.

    Remember that each day with mental illness is very long, so while the progress we make each day and each week seems minor compared to how long we think it's taken, it adds up to be a lot over a few months and a year and a few years.

    James

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  19. Quercus
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    3 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey HamSolo01,

    Good luck for the volunteer training. Hope you enjoy yourself! Airports are fun places to people watch (well... so long as you don't get a smoker come and people watch next to you... Yuck).

    It's good to see you in a peaceful state.

  20. BballJ
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    3 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    That is exactly what the thread is for, your little diary, your safe place to vent with no judgement, that is perfect and as you can tell, you can have a fair few people cheering you on here. Maybe one day you can read back from the start and see how far you have truly come and I think you will be pleasantly surprised.

    Keep us updated with your progress as always.

    My best,

    Jay

    1 person found this helpful
  21. HamSolo01
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    4 July 2017 in reply to BballJ

    I have to admit that today I feel really really angry with my folks.

    Feels as if mum and dad have given more attention to my sister. This is based on history. I had a weird/angsty childhood which scrwed me up to some extent yet they still felt like it was a good idea to send me to school i went to (the religious one). I dunno how they came to this conclusion, but i know it pretty much was made on the whim of a really good presentation night.... because that's a great indicator of a school isnt it? (sacarsm)

    I never wanted to go there anyway. I was only 11 or 12 so its not like i could put up a fight. I of course ended up going, but i took a whole term to settle in - often spending times reading books in the playground because i had no friends. Eventually I did, but it was too long. I threw up from nerves on the first day. I was THAT kid. For some reason I still feel like they sent me there because it was for the better, so that i could go to that high school. Year 5 camp was terrible. I had to especially call home becuase i was homesick and i hated sharing a room. I remember this one kid in the grade always prodding me and asking why i was calling home. I felt like I was weird because of it. They still kept me at the school.
    High school was the same, except this is where religion came into it. I wasn't allowed to call home. This bugged me heaps. A lot actually. I "said a special prayer" that allowed me to be a christian. I "felt" something different but like i was 13 for goodness sake.. hardly the skeptic. Saw myself as a loser with no friends. To some extent that's probably still true. Year 8 was the same too. I was hassled by this one kid and my parents were crap with dealing with it, they didnt know what to do. I can't even say the kids name.. Everyone knew he was weird to me but they just watched it. Didn't even help or do anything.
    Then in year 9 my sister nearly dies from a tumour. That's when EVERYTHING changes. I became a religious nutcase. I kept worrying about hell and whether or not i was sinning and whether or not i was being good. It mattered more than anything else. More than friends, more than girls (which is something i never did and probably explains the problem i have now), everything was about god.

    (I used to go to youth group because a religious friend invited me in yr 5 and 6 and then i tried going in yr 7 too but i hated it. I was always nervous and scared. Didn't go on the camp because of it.)

    ill make a new post

  22. HamSolo01
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    4 July 2017 in reply to BballJ

    Year 10 then came by and im still obsessed with god. Parents are still just letting this all sit by. Even had arguments with them about it at times, about what was right and wrong and why the bible was right etc.

    Then to top that all off, the biblical counsellor (an older man in his 60s) kept telling me that if i couldn't get a hold of "sexual immorality" then i will spend my life away from god. This frightened me, and i believe its also why i still have the issues i do with sex and intimacy. It feels like this older man screwed it up (NB he did not sexually abuse me), but emotionally abuse me yes.

    This in my mind, is why i now hate myself and my parents. I see myself as overwhelmingly inadequate. The guilt and religious authority screwed up my self esteem and confidence and my parents just let it happen. In year 12 I went on the church camp and i did a testimony thing about how "jesus changed me" It was apparently very popular. To me, it's all garbage now.

    Still, my parents kept letting me got involved in religion.

    I self hate, feel like a loser. Even still see myself as one because of high school and the xperiences i had. Rather than develop to a functioning child like everyone else does, i became the mess i am now. It's also why ive never had a relationship, im still a virgin, still no kisses. Why? religion and the authority it had on me as a kid AND HOW THIS PLAYED INTO MY ALREADY PRESENT ANXIETIES. IT MADE IT WORSE. I worry about this so much, it's so ingrained in me and gets me in the most subtle forms too.

    The whole time i have been diagnosed, i have kicked aside because of my sisters issues relating to her tumour. The tumour is gone, but she has conditions from it. They care more about that. I'm the one who has nearly killed himself. Yet they still care more about her.

    Dad took 2 years to even realise what i had was real. Mum is depressed too. It's bleedingly obvious. She doesnt want to quit despite the fact that she can, but its the only thing she has that is not related to my dads life. Everything else they do together. Mum hates it. I can see.

    Dads become a self obsessed nut. All about his new job now, its all we ever hear. He bloody well carries on all this time. I've had enough

    My sister has been treated better than me. Her stuff is physical and can be explained. I feel like i was the guinea pig growing up, and they are just using me to make her a better person. They don't care. They just dont.

    Another post coming

  23. HamSolo01
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    4 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    my sisters stuff is phyiscal and can be seen whereas mine can't. They've bent over backwards to accomodate her all this time, and they've neglected me from the bloody start. It's their fault I have this.

    Sent me to a religious nutbag school where i was already vulnerable. I was conditioned by that experience and it's only now that im beginning to realise this. They don't care though, i mean im 23 they just wont. They will pass it off as just "being part of what i deal with". It's not, it's the damn cause.

    It's their damn fault I have no life, no money, no job, no gf, no experience in life, haven't travelled on my own, have been stuck in this damn house where im the largest occupant but have the smallest room.. Can't even spend enough time in there because its too hot upstairs in summer. I have like no area to myself in the house as a result. People just sprawl their crap around the house and I GET IN TROUBLE IF I LEAVE A PAIR OF SHOES AT THE DOOR. Now I'm just stuck where I am. Wasted my time at uni where i could've made a change for myself and i couldnt because of all of this. If my parents actually made good choices then it wouldn't be the case.

    I want out of home. NOW. While there is still time. It's their fault. They won't accept it because they take all criticism personally, but then again this is personal criticism so maybe they need to hear it. All they do is pay the therapy, the therapy that wouldn't need to exist if they didnt screw me up. I saw a peadiotrician as a kid because of similar issues which still exist.

    I had to get my own bank account at the start of the year, and risk feeling like a loser. I was never able to before as i had no job. They used up money i had to pay bills, because my dad bought a car he thought he could afford. They still owe me 8 grand from my grandparents but i wont ever see that, because they cant handle finances. IF they didn't screw me up as a kid, I could have my own money now and life. They did all this.

    Its why i want to die. I hate it so much I don't care. All these good posts ive made are an act. An excuse to hide the reality inside.

    I want out of life, out of home and to start over from the very start. I'm lucky that I've even made it this far. But now I can't even fathom volunteering at the airport for people. Why? Social anxiety. They anxiety that my parents gave me by sending me to that damn school, where it was made all the more worse.

    another post coming too btw

  24. HamSolo01
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    4 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Had I not been brainwashed when i was a vulnerable child then maybe i would have confidence, maybe i would have money, maybe i would've developed enough self esteem to be able to approach a girl i found attractive and speak to her, i have never done this and probably never will. Maybe i could've got a car by now. MAybe I would have a chance in life. Maybe i would be getting somewhere now. I could've developed enough rapport with lecturers to get good grades and contacts and make something of my degree, which i now wont be. Maybe i could've played team sport by now and developed enough skill to be confident, have mates who supported me, be getting offered scholarships... maybe i would be better off now than i am. Not hard.

    They forces me into team sports as a kid, rather than let me join it myself. Instead i was worried about god, angsty and nervous and bullying myself. That hasn't gone anywhere and its still here. That's why i did reffing btw, it was the closest i could get and it gave me some cash. But then i had to bail on a number of occassions as i couldnt take the criticism when it got out of hand. Felt like the biggest pussy on earth in those moments and i could see it. IT's my parents fault for exposing me to all the crap.

    It's why i struggle to work and find a job. This is why i have deferred uni. This is why my life is worthless. They screwed up my childhood and im now here as a result. A lonely, depressed, anxious, tall and hunched guy who is a loser. I try all this stuff to improve me (eat right, gym, sleep - which i cant even do because my room is too small and my dad snores too loudly) and its doing nothing. The has been no change on the inside.

    I want to just leave home and never come back. It's the only way. Suicide is the only other one.

    But the latter is starting to become more attractive.

    The more I try to recover, the more steps i take back. the more useless the whole thing is.

    I'm 23 for gods sake and look at me? LOOK AT ME. I HATE IT. I HATE IT ALL. WHY IS MY LIFE LIKE THIS THROUGH NO FAULT OF MY OWN?

    im seeing my psychiatrist this arvo and i will raise all this with him. He probably wont like it, because he is religious but whatever. The crap i had to deal with from that biblical counsellor was absurd. Guilt tripping me into stuff. Making me feel horrible and scared. Look at where I am. I've done nothing to deserve any of this.

    I hate the world and all it has. No wonder I just want to disappear.

  25. Quercus
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    4 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hi HamSolo01,

    Your anger and pain is blasting through loud and clear. I'm really glad to hear you have the psych later. I suggest you let him read those posts. That way you'll have more time to talk it all through.

    I'm not sure if you'll be happy with my reply but it needs to be said.

    Your parents are utterly human. They make mistakes. Big ones. They don't know what they're doing as parents ... noone does. They're dealing with their own skeletons which you may not even know about and doing their best to muddle through.

    You have every right to be angry but know that they haven't done this intentionally to hurt you. Your parents love you.

    I speak from experience here. I faced my Mum about feeling betrayed that she said nothing even though she knew how toxic the abusive relationship was. About not even trying to protect me. Her reply was that I was an adult. And she didn't want to push me away. It wasn't the reply I wanted. It upset me. But I realised she is human. She did what she thought was best at the time based on her life experiences. It was a shit decision. But ultimately it doesn't change that she loves me.

    Only now as a parent myself I realise how hard it is. I have no idea what I'm doing. Will me having a MI completely screw up my kids? My psych told me we can only do our best. As long as we keep trying. Some days it is just about keeping the kids safe and fed and a roof over their head.

    And as a parent you constantly doubt yourself. Thats why we get sucked into fancy schools. They give the impression that they know what they're doing and that we don't. It's easy to trust that. Especially if your child seems troubled.

    This doesn't help you but it's a view to consider... That your parents love you and probably thought they were helping you. That they don't love you any less than your sister. They are just human and can only do what they can. Having one child who almost died and one who has tried to kill himself they must be terrified and have no idea what to do and helpless.

    I am thinking of you HamSolo01. Please show your posts to the psych. There is so much rage and despair there that you need to talk about.

    I will write more when I can. Please stay safe and take care of yourself. It will get better. Today is a day for very small steps. Just get through the day safely.

    1 person found this helpful
  26. james1
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    4 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    Hey Mitch,

    I read through each of your posts and you sound like you're feeling very helpless which is leading to the anger.

    I hope you don't mind if I don't comment on the specific examples you talked about. I hear you on them and it sounds like there's been a lot of stress put on you in your family life, most of the time unfairly.

    It is good that you have come here to talk to us about what you're really thinking, including the fact that you feel like the positive talking has been an act for you and that you're really angry about your situation.

    Can I make one small suggestion?

    You are seeing your psychiatrist this arvo and it will be useful to try and distill what you are trying to say.

    Your anger is totally valid. You sound like you're feeling helpless in your situation which feels like it's been forced on you.

    We can relate to that.

    But it's difficult for your doctors and us to know what specifically you're angry about if you show us the hatred and anger. These are confounding feelings that distract from the hurt inside - they are the outward projections of something else that can be fixed.

    And both we and the doctors want to help you with those things which are causing you pain, so distilling those thoughts and focussing on what is actually painful will make it easier.

    Still, we can definitely understand just how in pain you are by how angry your posts feel.

    James

    1 person found this helpful
  27. HamSolo01
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    4 July 2017 in reply to james1

    i rang the mental health services team and that useless

    the girl just wasnt even listening i dont think. They must have my number on the system with a warning.

    One thing she suggested was going out for a walk and get food. I laughed at first and then i thought about. Jumped in the car and drove a few suburbs away to the beach. Lasted 10mins. I cant fake it. Im just too upset atm. The walk helped a bit but im just exhausted now. Hopefully i dont fall asleep at the wheel.

    I honestly think they gave up on me quercus, i know how harsh it sounds but like im the only one trying to get help.. its me who has to get it and admit myself.

    Theres no point to it

  28. HamSolo01
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    4 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01

    bo one even cares about me

    people are just leaving everywhere and im on my own

    im at home atm and im on my own like i will be for my life

    my mum wants her to call me but i dont wanna ve told im getting better

  29. HamSolo01
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    4 July 2017

    im sick of the life i have... im just wasting away eaxh day... why eve bother.. im too to care...

  30. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    6658 posts
    4 July 2017 in reply to HamSolo01
    Hi HamSolo01,

    It sounds like you're at turns angry, frustrated and despairing of the future today.  

    How would you like us to best support you through this moment?

    It can be helpful sometimes to work through negative and distressing emotions by writing them out, but too much of this can stir them up further and keep you stuck in a loop rather than working your way out the other side of the tunnel.

    That's part of the reason why we keep a character limit on individual posts, to make sure this space is focused on having conversations, rather than just being an echo chamber for the thoughts we all have to fight with from time to time.

    What has worked to help you cope in the past when these feelings have come up?  

    Stay strong and take care.

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