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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I NEED SOME ADVICE/HELP

Topic: I NEED SOME ADVICE/HELP

  1. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    24 September 2017 in reply to Nellym
    I'm sitting in my car in a park. I can't drive anymore. It blew up with my husband this morning. I don't know what to do now
  2. Sad Puppy Dog
    Sad Puppy Dog avatar
    97 posts
    24 September 2017 in reply to Nellym

    I'm having a crap day myself. The hardest part of these forums is the delay between the writing of the post and the approval/arrival on the board and then waiting for a response. So much can happen in the meantime.

    I guess all I feel I can do or say is ask, are you safe? and is there someone you can talk to (Any crisis line) right away?

  3. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    24 September 2017 in reply to Sad Puppy Dog

    I've called a line so a bit safer now. Just been one of those days.

    Are you ok?

  4. Sad Puppy Dog
    Sad Puppy Dog avatar
    97 posts
    24 September 2017 in reply to Nellym
    Just a little steadier. The tears have dried. Writing on these boards helps a bit because of the focus needed to type. Thinking of having a hot bath then dinner and take a break with a dvd for a little while. Just trying to distract myself.
  5. Sad Puppy Dog
    Sad Puppy Dog avatar
    97 posts
    24 September 2017 in reply to Nellym
    Good to know you are more stable. Are you still out or back home yet? Spoken to your partner? Anyone you can go to, friend or family member?
  6. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    24 September 2017 in reply to Sad Puppy Dog

    Hi Sad Puppy Dog, thanks for your concern, I am back home now. Not great but ok! Sent him out for a boys night (I think he needs it).

    Writing on here does help me too. Hope your bath was nice and you can distract yourself a bit tonight

  7. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    25 September 2017 in reply to Nellym
    Why can't I have one day that is normal? Just one day without my thoughts taking over and feeling like utter crap. Can't be too much to ask can it. Damm people with their opinions thinking they know what is best for you and thinking they have a clue what you are going through. And then they think they have a right to tell you what is best for you. People suck at times. Either stick around and help or go away. I don't care either way, just don't give me you uneducated, unrealistic and unwanted opinion on something you have no clue what you are talking about. Next time just keep your mouth shut and walk away.
  8. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    25 September 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hello Nell

    Sorry not to be around. What happened with your husband. I see you have sent him out for a night with boys. I was thinking that another immediate support for you would be the Chat Online service. This is an email service but in real time. It operates between 3:00pm and midnight. See bottom left of page or top right.

    I agree, the no doubt well-meant comments from those who have not been there are very irritating. What did you get? The "I understand" or the "I know how you feel". It would really be great if everyone simply sat down and listened. We know there's not a lot they can do and we know our MI will not disappear in a day no matter what remedies others suggest.

    Well I don't entirely understand your particular difficulty but I know you are in pain and I understand that. Writing here does help a great deal I have found. I have often said that I am writing as much for myself as others.

    Remember we are here.

    Mary

  9. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    25 September 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    You don't have to apologise for being not around at all.

    So to make a long story short, Sunday morning got into argument with hubby, he said a few things about my MI, I cracked it, got in car, drove to park, had SI and SH thoughts. Rang helpline, calmed down, went back home, sent him out for boys night. Still a bit tense but he has apologised and so should be ok.

    Today had my cousin at my house. She decided to give me her advice on what I should and shouldn't be doing. Even better, she gave the great advice of "I will get over it". At that stage I was actually keeping it together. But then it was even better when she saw where I had SH yesterday and decided to give me a lecture that went something like "how could you do that when you have your kids, you are so selfish". Ohh, did I tell you she is highly educated as a hairdresser!

    So me being me lost it at her. Told her politely (well maybe not cause I swear a lot) where she could shove her opinion and told her what I thought of her. Probably a bit harsh, but calm and composed are not really my thing.

    Well she stormed out into the rainy afternoon. So that was what the above rant was about. If it is not one thing it is another. It is hard enough dealing with my MI that I can't deal with peoples uneducated opinions of what I should and should not be doing. So now I am ignoring the calls from my Aunt (her mum) and my mum because no doubt the whole family know about it. And I am sure I am made out to be the bad one in all of this. That I don't really care about, got much bigger things to deal. Just change my name to black sheep!

    Nell (sorry its soooo long)

    1 person found this helpful
  10. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    28 September 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Dear Nell

    Now I am even more sorry I have neglected you for a couple of days. Yes it is at the least irritating to be told how and what to do by someone who has no idea what is wrong or how to support someone.

    You said when husband returned he apologised and things are back to normal. Do you think he can talk to your family about not bugging you? I think I have mentioned the information available on BB but I will say again. Much of the information can be downloaded but not booklets. You can send for these from BB without charge. I think they may be useful as there is specific information on how family and friends can help and support you. It does give some information on depression and anxiety which they may find useful.

    Have a chat to your husband about talking to his family when your information arrives from BB. It's easy to say I know but the more educated people get the less stigma will be around. I'm almost afraid to say they mean well as no doubt you have heard this many times. Perhaps you can build on this.

    With your husband present for moral support, perhaps you can invite a couple of key family people to your home and give them the information to take away. Explain how depression affects you and cannot be 'cured' by thinking positively, looking for the good, getting on with life and ignoring it plus any other ill-informed comment. If you can use the information pages to demonstrate that it is not like having the 'flu which gets better by itself, it may be the start of your family having more understanding and compassion.

    If your name does not identify you it may be a thought to ask the family to browse the forum. I presume you would not necessarily like them to read your posts and if your avatar or name could identify you then it will not be a useful idea.

    I have had conversations (?) such as the one you described. Not very productive to either party and most importantly makes you feel exhausted, not to mention the spillover to more general family relationships. Not good for anyone and sadly can alienate people. I do understand and as I have said, been there, done that, got the tee shirt.

    Your general information about yourself is on the previous page. Going there will lose what I have written. So just a quick check, do you see a counsellor at all?

    Mary

  11. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    28 September 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    Firstly, please do not read if you think it will trigger you at all as it is quite distressing.

    please do not feel like you have neglected me at all. I haven't really been around that much anyway, had a few things happen which I will get to which has meant my husband has already found out a lot more.

    First thing is yes I see a psychologist weekly. Unfortunately he is away for a couple of weeks so has affected me more then I thought it would. I have got an appointment to see a psychiatrist in mid October.

    I spoke to my mum about what happened and we smoothed it over a bit, but the whole truth sort of came out the other night anyway.

    So yesterday I had to see a mental health team and also a psychiatrist on short notice because I came extremely close to ending it all the night before. So I had an assessement and they said I was ok to be at home, just needed to be monitored by my husband. Have been given tablets to take to try and calm me down and also help with the SH and the SI. From this I guess my family found out bit more, they don't know how bad I was however. Not that I have spoken to anyone yet (except my husband), I am not ready to.

    So the last day or so have been filled with a lot of shame and anger directed at myself for doing this. But I guess that is something I will have to learn to live with. Thankfully my children were asleep when all of this happened and are oblivious to what occurred.

    sorry if this is too heavy for you.

    Nell

    1 person found this helpful
  12. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    28 September 2017 in reply to Nellym

    My Dear Nell

    It's perfectly OK to talk about these things here. Yes I have been in that situation and I know how ashamed we get because of it. Talking to a mental health team can be heavy. They want to know if you are still at risk and if so what to do. Once it has been decided you are OK to be at home then you can go. When this happened to me I had no one at home and it was very hard. I imagine you need comfort and reassurance.

    Being angry with yourself is also a normal reaction. There is a huge amount of shame attached to self-harm and it does not help anyone. The good part is that you did not end your life and whatever stopped you was in part your care for your children and other family members. It's easy for me to say put it behind you and I know it's by no means easy. Keep yourself occupied as much as possible, not necessarily doing household chores but in more pleasant ways. I hope you husband has taken time off work to be with you. You need to be cared for when you are fragile like this.

    I think you are right to be out of contact with your family for a little while as you need to process the whole thing. The first time someone told me to process something I had no idea what they meant. Just let it sit without trying to push away your thoughts and not trying to investigate them. If you can manage to think of other matters that will help, but no forcing yourself in any way.

    If you need to cry then do so. If you want to scream and punch your pillow then get husband to take the children to the park first. These are hard emotions and trying to stop expressing them will deplete your already low reserves. Make sure you drink lots of water. Sounds very trivial but it is important to keep yourself hydrated. Tea and coffee in small amounts is OK but no alcohol. Try to eat snacks if a full meal is too much. Perhaps tell your husband what you would like and ask him to get it. It's not an excuse to be picky, you need to eat well or as well as possible.

    I hope I have made practical suggestions. Be kind to yourself as much as possible. I am sitting here remembering what happened to me and wishing I could sit next to you and and just be with you. Well these words are all I have but I send them with much affection and compassion. Write in whenever you want.

    Mary

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  13. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    28 September 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    thank you for your kind words. I am ok at the moment. I don't like the way the meds they put me on feel but I know if I don't take them then they said I would go in hospital and I really don't want to go there. I had thoughts about it before but that night everything seemed so hopeless and felt like I had no way out and ending it all was all I had left.

    So now I have to deal with the aftermath of my actions. I am so ashamed and angry at myself for putting my husband and children through this. I feel like I don't deserve them for even thinking about putting them through this. I guess I didn't think about how my actions would affect them. I guess I wasn't thinking.

    i don't know what I need now. I feel numb but not sure if that is the meds talking or me.

    So I have to see them tomorrow again and am just trying to take it minute by minute. It's about all I can cope with now.

    Thanks for your understanding and for your suggestions. It is easier to talk to someone where I don't have to explain myself, they just understand.

    Nell

  14. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    29 September 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hello Nell

    If the ADs have a side effect that is troubling you, you can ask for a review. You will only go to hospital if you do not take any meds. Not all meds work for everyone in the same way. Stick with it for a couple of weeks as these side effects sometimes go away after a while. Keep some notes on how you feel to discuss with whoever is prescribing.

    Yes indeed take it slowly and look ahead only as far as is comfortable.

    I know very well how you get to the last stop and can think no further. Emotional pain is as painful as physical pain. Well in many ways it's more so in the way your whole body is involved with the pain trying to get out and you desperately fighting to hold yourself together.

    I faced that same shame with my children. They were desperately worried and for a while I could not see this because of my own hell. During this time I discovered I had breast cancer. A few years ago my daughter remarked that I had not seemed very concerned about it. I said as far as I was concerned it was just another day in hell. What I am trying to say is that you cannot think of others when you are in this state and of course we become more guilty because of this.

    I know how hard it will be but please try to put your anger, grief and shame to one side and concentrate on those things that make you happy and help you to get well. You will still have to deal with it but hopefully you will be stronger and better able to manage. If your children ask, and I don't know how old they are, tell them you will explain later but for now you need to get well. My children were grown up and left home.

    Mary

  15. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    29 September 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    thanks for those words of encouragement. My children are 12 and 9'so have been able to shield them away from everything that is happening.

    I see the MHT this morning so will talk to them about my meds. I had a bad morning and SH so I don't know what they will say to that. Hopefully they still let me stay at home.

    I understand trying to put the anger and shame to the side, but always much easier said then done!

    Sorry to hear about your own struggles and with your cancer. I hope you are cancer free now and on the road to recovery.

    Nell

  16. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    29 September 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Dear Nell

    I was hoping you had found a little peace but not so. I really wish I was with you, but I can metaphorically hold your hand. If your children do not know what's happened it may be best not to tell them. By the time you read this I expect your meeting with the MHT will be over. How did it go? What about your medication? I hope they gave some strategies for not SH. It is important that you have an alternative action you can take that is not self destructive.

    I've been trying to think of things that might work. I have not SH. I don't want that to be seen as a self righteous or judgemental comment. It's simply that it never occurred to me so I don't know what you can do instead. I imagine it would need to be something active. I'm sorry I cannot suggest anything.

    My first cancer was in 2001 and the second 2015. Not a bad distance between. The hospital will keep tabs on me for five years. Annual mammogram and check up with the breast specialist (not surgeon) and six monthly checks with the oncologist. Lots of time but if it happens again I don't want a year's wait before it's discovered. Thank you for asking. All is well at the moment.

    Yes it is hard to put some thoughts aside. I have a list of activities on the fridge to go to when life gets tough. I needed to make the list in advance as thinking of what to do is really impossible when you are so distressed. Are you a cook? I most definitely am not, but many people enjoy making meals and snacks and I'm certain your children would love it. One of my go to activities is gardening. I am redesigning it at the moment. My daughter visited yesterday and looked at the work to date. She wants me to have straight borders because they will match my patio tiles. It will all unfold as I find other plants I want and as I make paths.

    Be kind to yourself. You didn't choose depression and it's not your fault. Sometimes crap happens.

    Mary

  17. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    29 September 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    the meeting with the MHT went better good. They spoke to me for about an hour and thankfully decided not to put me in hospital. They have altered my meds a bit which isn't to help with the SI and the SH. I am hoping so. I am being monitored closely by them. I know they are doing what they think is right, but if they alone more time that they understand than I might just loose it.

    They reviewed my safety plan so I am hoping I can use that when needed. I have to keep seeing my psychologist weekly (when he returns from holidays) and also see the psychiatrist. I have got a list of distractions that I work through but haven't got them on my fridge, might have to put them there!

    I Don't know if all of this will work or not but I have to give it a try and somehow hope for the best.

    I am so glad to hear that you are cancer free at the moment, that is great news.

    all the best,

    Nell

    i am glad to hear about the news of your

  18. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    30 September 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hello Nell

    This sounds like great news. I hope the meds feel better for you. I must ask, I have been hoping for a revelation but so far none has appeared. I know SH but what is SI. I'm a bit confused with your sentence, They have altered my meds a bit which isn't to help with the SI and the SH. I am hoping so. Not sure what you are saying.

    Are you using the BB safety plan on the app Beyond Now? It's really useful to put it on your mobile so it is always handy.

    It will be good for you when your psychologist returns. Is the MHT going to write to him/her? How often will you see the psychiatrist?

    Distractions are just that, distractions. They do not make you better. What they do is help move your thoughts to something more gentle and enjoyable. It gives you time to get yourself together again. One of my favourites was to listen to a CD of talks and embroider at the same time. The talks occupied my mind to some extent and the embroidery filled the rest of my mind plus giving me something to do with my hands.

    I got though so much sewing that way. More importantly I found I was relaxing more and letting the tension go away so it was an all-round winner. You can get audio books from the library which I always enjoy.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    30 September 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    OMG I think I need to read back what I write before I post!!

    Should read, they have altered my meds a bit which is meant to help with SI and SH.

    SI = Suicide idelation/ thoughts

    I know I have to take the meds but they make me feel like I haven't got control anymore, which from my past, is extremely hard to handle. But if I go off them, than I would hate to think what would happen. The mental health team is going to let the psychologist know everything and I am meant to see the psychiatrist every 2 weeks.

    i am hoping that it doesn't feel like one appointment after another. But we will see how it goes.

    i have downloaded the app and put my safety plan on there to use when things get bad.

    Unfortunately you are right Mary, distractions don't make us better which is such a shame. I wish they would! My mindset is so bad at the moment where I feel I am never going to overcome this, but I guess that is just something I have to try and work through.

    i do listen to music a lot. I listen to a mix I put together especially in the car. I can't listen to the radio, too many songs are a trigger for me.

    i have never tried audio books, I might try them. Could be something different to the music.

  20. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    30 September 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Thanks for the clarification, I should have guessed the SI after all that happens to me at times.

    Sounds as though you have a good support team round you. I am pleased you are being kept safe. I don't what meds you have been prescribed and it's not my business. I want to say, as I did above, keep some notes on the progress of the meds. The effects may wear off and you will be OK but sometimes the wretched side effects are worse than the illness.I know I had a lot of trouble find something that worked and didn't make me feel crazy. Or perhaps I should say the psychiatrist had trouble...

    I think it will help you a great deal to see both psychs regularly. They work in different ways and hopefully talk to each other. You need structure in your life at the moment with less time to brood. I am including myself here. I find it very easy to brood over what I cannot change and it makes me cranky. I have a list of distractions which help to keep me on an even keel and allow me to work on getting well. I think that's the value of distractions.

    I like music and I do listen to the radio a lot. I am a bit of a classical music fan. I am in a book club which means reading a book a month. Not very hard you would think but it was often difficult to read in the allotted time. That's the reason I turned to talking books. I found to my delight that having someone reading to me added a whole new dimension to the book.Some readers change voices for each character and that's good. Others simply read but have such great skills they do need to alter their voice. And I become immersed in the story.

    Did you find the app easy to follow? I was talking to my counsellor (like you I have two people to talk to) one day when I was not feeling good he reminded me about the safety plan. It did help. Does your husband know of this plan? Do you think he will remind you if he sees you going downhill at all? Chat to your psychs about showing him the app. It may help, or may not, but keep trying.

    I've been thinking about this control aspect of taking meds and I presume you feel that way in all parts of your life, or at least many. What is it about the meds that distresses you? I have been assuming your difficulty lay with side effects but maybe this is not so. Again I think it's a good discussion point but before you do, can you write down what it is that upsets you. And also other events that you want to control but cannot. Whoops, words gone.

    Mary

  21. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    30 September 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    i find the app really good to use. I haven't shown my hubby it yet, but will in time. He has had to deal with a lot lately, don't want to make it worse for him.

    The problem I have with my meds is that they make me feel like I have no control over myself. Part of my problem with anxiety and PTSD is the control problem so I need to speak to my MHT because taking them heightens my anxiety. I took a long time to respond to this post because I have had high anxiety this afternoon and had a panic attack.

    i am not sure if I have explained myself that well or not

    Nell

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  22. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    30 September 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hello Nell

    I don't think you have taken long to reply. It's still today. I do understand how you feel about your meds. For a long while I would not take them and like many people there were several reasons. Just taking a medication meant I agreed or admitted I had a MH problem and I did not want to do this. I saw it as something to be ashamed of because I could not get well without help which meant I was a weak person. Meds would take over my mind and I would not be able to control the way I acted. I mean, really, what part of the world was I living in.

    The only way to get over these fears was to take the meds. Sadly for me I had to try many different ADs before I could tolerate one. So that added to my dislike of of taking these meds. In fact I never had an AD that really helped and did not upset my system until two years ago. The difference is amazing. This is what I was trying to get at about your meds. Are there physical reactions or is it an antipathy towards meds in general.

    Yes the good old panic attacks. I appear to have stopped these lately and I am most grateful. It is a really horrid thing to cope with. Please don't force yourself to reply if you feel unwell. There is no use by date. When you feel comfortable is the best time to write. I have found when I am in a high anxiety patch that even if I write it doesn't make much sense. Well not to me anyway.

    It is important to discuss this with your MHT. It's good that they all know how you feel and can work together to help you heal without setting off further traumas. I hope your husband will be able to catch up with you so to speak and understand what is happening. Showing him the app with your plan may help to make it real for him, though I expect that is in future.

    Mary

  23. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    1 October 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    I struggle to want to take my meds for that plain fact they I don't think they work. Had a rough night last night. Had new flashbacks, panic attacks, SH,SI, rang SCBS, then another panic attack this morning. So it's pretty much sucked and have really had enough of everything at the moment.

    My strength to keep going has hit rock bottom. Luckily I see my psych on Wednesday, cannot come soon enough.

    I don't know what tonight will bring. I am hoping to get some sleep and have taken some sleeping tablets to help. Although I did take them last night and they were not helpful

    Ive got nothing else left in the tank tonight. Am going to try and get some sleep now.

    Nell

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  24. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    2 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hello Nell

    I hope you had a good, or at least better, night's sleep. It must be catching as I seem to be operating on a couple of hours sleep each night. I am sad you are not sleeping well and feel everything piling up in your life. I do know how overwhelming it can be. Trouble is these situations you often cannot think straight and need someone to look after you.

    Did you talk about this with your MHT? It may be like antidepressants and it can take up to six weeks for the full effect to show. After one week you should be starting to feel a slight improvement at least. Nothing left in the tank is bad. I do hope you can get some real rest soon.

    This is your psychologist you are seeing on Wednesday is it? May be a good idea to check the meds out with him/her. Although they cannot prescribe and may not have the in-depth knowledge of a psychiatrist, they can at least talk about how you feel and make a record of it. Hopefully the information can be passed on to your psychiatrist or MHT.

    Be as aware as possible of your energy levels and try not to overtax yourself in the name of duty. Spend the day doing those things you enjoy which may help to restore your energy and give yourself something else to think about.

    Mary

  25. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    3 October 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    I hope you have been able to get some more sleep. I think my meds are starting to have an effect which is good. They gave me some medication to work short term also, so that is helping.

    Yesterday wasn't great, anxiety was high. Extremely anxious about tomorrow when I see my psychologist. It is meant to be the session my husband is coming to so he can know exactly what is happening. I still don't know if I can tell him about what happened to me when I was younger. I spoke to him the other day about putting it off, and he just ended up getting annoyed at me and then I just gave in.

    I feel like disappearing at this stage so I don't have to go through with tomorrow. To make him happy I have to go through hell.

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  26. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    4 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hello Nell

    It's not your job to keep your husband happy. It's your job to keep yourself well and happy. Mostly in marriages both partners want to help each other but you cannot sacrifice yourself for his sake.

    I expect the meeting with your psychologist may be a bit stilted and uncomfortable, but it will be OK. I want you to remember to say it like it is. No agreeing with husband so you don't upset him. This is your opportunity to say how you feel and what you need. You are in a safe place. If you feel there may be consequences at home, then say that also. For example, if you say you would like more support from your husband, but believe at home he will ignore your need or make nasty comments, then say so. It's no good bottling it all up to shield him or so the psych will not think badly of him or you.

    Yes you need to go to this appointment. Why do you want to put it off? Nothing will change until you, with help of husband, start working on your MI issues. You will stay at this point for much longer than necessary. Take a deep breath and go. No matter when this meeting happens you will always be nervous, so jump in now rather than give yourself more days and weeks of feeling miserable.

    I look forward to hearing how well it went.

    Mary

  27. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3544 posts
    5 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hi Nelly,

    How did your appointment with the psychologist and hubby go? I hope you are alright and that the psych directed the session so that you felt safe.

    I hope it's ok that I join in. There is a lot of your story that (like Mary) I can relate to. Did you manage to get any sleep last night?

    Thinking of you and hoping the appointment was helpful.

    Nat

  28. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    5 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Mary and Nat,

    It has been a big few days so will fill you in,
    So the session went for about 1.5 hours and was exhausting. I think I cried the whole time. I spoke to my psych for about 20 minutes before Hubby came in.
    So hubby came in. Psych went through how it was affecting me and about my nightmares, panic attacks, flashbacks etc. I could not get the words out so the psych did most of the talking. Spoke about that when I was about 8 I was sexually abused/assaulted for about 2.5 years. Hubby asked who, but psych said that we need to take things slowly with me and that was not able to be discussed today. Spoke about how my mental health was the most important thing. Hubby asked a few questions. He questioned about marks? I had told him I had fallen over. Psych didn't really answer him but spoke about him monitoring my safety closely and would take the steps needed if he had to. Talked about how it was important to go at my pace so I felt like I still had control of the whole situation. Spoke about how hard it was to tell him as the only other person I had told face to face was my psych. Hubby took it better than I thought. I think he is still in shock and in about a month he is going to come to another session.
    I haven't really spoken to him privately yet (kids around) but will do that at some stage. I am not sure if he is ready yet, think he is still processing it all. I did give him the numbers to a mens line and a sexual abuse line that he could ring if he needed support.

    I LOVE MY PSYCH!! He was so good and because I couldn't say it and just kept crying, he took over it for me.
    So now he knows. I am not sure if it is a relief yet. My mind is still jumbled up and I am still mentally exhausted. It was the hardest thing I ever did (even though I didn't speak much!), but I am glad I saw it through.

    It was extremely hard to go in and since he came straight from work we went in separate cars which I think was a good thing. Thirty minutes before hand I was not going in and was seriously thinking about how to end my life. But I knew I wouldn't do that to him or my children.

    So now he knows. One day I might tell him who it was (hard because he meet the person early on when we first started dating) but I will never tell him the details. I don't think I would ever tell anyone exactly what happened. Those demons will stay in my head.

    Last night I slept better than I had for a long time, but still with the assistance of meds.

    Nell

    4 people found this helpful
  29. White Rose
    Champion Alumni
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    6 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Nell

    I am so proud of you. I understand that it was a very hard thing to do, that you wanted to pull out before it started, but you didn't. Even when you were having suicidal thoughts you still went.

    I expect it will take several days for your husband to process everything he has learned so don't rush into a conversation about it. Let him come to you. It will happen.

    Did I say I was proud of you?

    I need to be away from the forums a bit so is it OK if you talk to Quercus? I think you two have a great deal in common and will get on well.

    I am proud of you.

    Mary

  30. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    6 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Dear Nell,

    We spoke a couple of weeks ago when I replied to one of your posts here. Since then I have continued to follow whats happening for you. I havent responded since then mainly because I have been dealing with a few of my own issues but also because Mary has been offering such wonderful support, and I really had nothing further to add.

    However, it appears that Mary is taking a break? I hope everything is okay with you Mary, and that you will soon return. Your care and support of others is a gift to many. If its a case of needing to take care of you for a change, then its a good move to take some time out. Please take good care of yourself.

    Nell, you and I also have a bit in common, so once again I offer you my support. I'm not Mary, but I'll certainly do my best. I'm here if you need someone to talk to, and I will try to monitor your thread more closely now. I know Nat will still be here for you as well, dispensing her wisdom and care.

    I will add to what Mary said ........ I too am proud of what you've achieved over the past week. So far you have noticed at least one benefit ... improve sleep. It must have been such a relief to finally get all that out in the open. I agree with Mary, let hubby come to you when he's ready. He has a lot to take in.

    Anyway, just wanted you to know that I'm here for you.

    Sherie xx

    1 person found this helpful

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