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Forums / Long term support over the journey / I NEED SOME ADVICE/HELP

Topic: I NEED SOME ADVICE/HELP

  1. Quercus
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    Quercus avatar
    3544 posts
    6 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Wow Nell I'm blown away by your strength 😊

    There's a reason Mary and Sherie's responses both expressed pride in you. Even scared you saw it through. The psych may have spoken most but that's what he gets paid for. To make it easier and less threatening. But I've been there struggling with finding the words so I'm so so so proud of you.

    Please remember when hubby does want to talk you can always say no. I'm not ready for details.

    I'm glad your husband reacted better than you expected. Mine did too. I remember looking at him and blurting out "aren't you disgusted?" and he said no, that he still loves me the same.

    How are you feeling today?

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    6 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi all

    Mary I understand that you need to get away for awhile, you need to put yourself first. I will say thankyou however for all the advice and kind words you have given me along the way.

    Sherie thank you for the reply. I am happy for you to comment or watch from afar! You too, like Mary, need to make sure you put yourself first.

    Nat, thankyou also for those kind words. I am feeling ok today, it still feels a bit surreal at the moment. The psychologist did say to hubby that it is important to go at a pace I feel comfortable with and still feel I have control, so I don't think he will ask me probing questions.

    I did say to him that I was scared to tell him because I thought he would look/view me differently. His response of "why would I do that, you are still the same person" made me feel so much better. I think the fear of not knowing how he would respond scared me the most.

    I do know that he wants to know who it was which scares me because he knew this person. I am not sure if I could ever tell him that. Maybe with time I could, but not yet.

    Thanks again all 3 of you for taking the time to respond to my post. I appreciate you words of wisdom and encouragement and it is nice to know that I am not in this journey alone.

    Nell

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Quercus
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    7 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hi Nell,

    I'm glad to hear the psych set some boundaries for hubby in terms of questions. Maybe one day you will feel able to tell him who, maybe not. Either way it's your choice.

    I feel you in fearing the reaction. I was so afraid of hubby not seeing me anymore. That he would think I was pathetic. Not sure why seeing as if the tables were turned and he was telling me he had been raped it wouldn't change for a second how I feel about him. So why do we worry so much and doubt ourselves hey?

    Did the psych talk to you at all about taking things slowly and being gentle on yourself right now? I found once the initial relief wore off admitting it to people made it feel very real. I struggled for a while with memories and low moods. Hopefully you don't experience this.

    But if you do please reach out ok. I'll check on you but seriously shout out on any thread (mine is in long term) if you need extra TLC ok.

    Nat

  4. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    7 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat,

    So after Wednesday and how well it went I thought I would feel great. But instead I feel the exact opposite. I feel depressed and worried. Worried how hubby is coping with the news. And I feel on edge about when he is going to ask me a question about what happened and what that question might be. And this is making me more anxious to be around him which sounds silly because he has been so supportive so far.

    And I don't know if it is because of what happened on Wednesday, but the last two nights new memories have come up from my CSA in the form of flash backs during the night which I think is adding to my distress at the moment since I've woken up having panic attacks from them.

    I guess I just expected my thoughts would calm down somewhat and they haven't. I am still experiencing thoughts of SH and SI. Maybe I am expecting too much of myself, I dont know. I just feel like i dont have any answers at this stage.

    Nell

  5. Quercus
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    7 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hi Nell,

    I'm sorry to hear about the flashbacks and thoughts of SI and SH. Yes I think you're expecting too much of yourself. Slow. Slow. Baby steps. One day at a time. That was my goal. Would that be helpful for you? Just take each day as it comes. No judgement. Just focus on self care and take it slowly

    How's your safety plan looking? I noticed previously it failed to help you stop SH so time to have a good hard look at it.

    I wrote mine out and put it on the fridge. A bit embarrassing but hubby liked it because he felt less scared seeing I was taking control and had step by step plans to follow.

    Mine was in 4 categories and each one had dot points of activities listed. Distraction. Talking it through. Physical support. Emergency. Each heading had dot points of what to try. So if I was in a bad place I didn't have to think. Just work through the steps slowly. Section one dot point one. Section one dot point two. The list was HUGE. I gave myself every option I could think of so the list would take ages to work through.

    You were abused too. This is not going to ever be erased. The goal is to learn to feel sad or angry or upset without that emotion taking over your body and you being overwhelmed. The safety plan in my mind is about getting through the urges. Lots of steps to pass the time and wait out the urges.

    Talking to hubby is an enormous step. So bloody brave Nell. Maybe you can ask him to help you with the safety plan? No doubt he will think of options you won't and it gives him a solid way to help you as well as a realistic sense of how much pain you are. Also it's a gentle reminder to take care of you and not push too hard. What do you think?

    And yes I felt like you too. Like I'd opened the can of worms by talking about it and couldn't stuff them away again. It's was time for me to learn to cope with my memories. And heal. It does feel awful and raw for a while but give it time and ask for help.

    Maybe you could ask to see your psychologist more often until you feel a bit more stable. Is that an option. As for fearing questions please remember the word no is totally ok. No I don't want to talk about this now. I need time please.

    Take care of yourself please Nell.

    I'm on a kid free hubby free road trip but will check in later ok.

    ❤ Nat

  6. Quercus
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    8 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nell,

    Sorry I had barely any reception and gave up on trying to load threads yesterday.

    How are you feeling? Are you managing to find ways to distract yourself from the SI and SH urges? I hope so.

    Just checking in and seeing how you're holding up. If you want to talk I'm back and listening ok.

    ❤ Nat

  7. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    9 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat,

    I stepped back for a bit, a rough couple of days but in a better headspace today.

    The last few days were bad. New flashbacks from a new sexual abuse that I had forgotten about and decided to come back. All came to a head yesterday with SH happening and SI thoughts. But got through it and today is a much better day already.

    I have started making a more detailed safety plan because I don't think mine has enough in it. I am going to talk to my psych next session about my safety plan and how I can improve it. I see my psych weekly at the moment, and there is normally a phone call in between that to check in.

    I start seeing the psychiatrist next week, so hopefully that will help too.

    Hubby has been good and hasn't asked any questions or approached the subject at all which is good.

    I hope that your kid and hubby free weekend was nice and relaxing!

    How are you going too?

    Nell

  8. Quercus
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    9 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hi Nell,

    I'm glad to hear you're going to review your safety plan with your psych. That is great. Also the psychiatrist too. All solid helpful ways to help yourself 😊.

    Also good on you for accepting that the SH happened but moving on and making changes. To me that seems like a positive attitude. We go backwards sometimes but then brush ourselves off and try and try again 😊.

    I hope you are enjoying your day if you're feeling happy. What have you got planned?

    I needed my mental health weekend. Do feel better for it. There were some unexpected triggers that threw me but it has passed. Thanks for asking though.

    ❤ Nat

  9. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    10 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat,

    I can't talk now, too many things have triggered me, Will come back when I can and post

    Thanks for listening to me

    Nell

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Quercus
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    10 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hi Nell,

    That's ok there is no pressure to reply on here. Just take care of yourself.

    Sorry to hear you're not in a good place right now. Time to distract yourself and work through the saftey plan.

    There is a thread on here about managing triggers. I'll find it. Maybe there will be an idea you haven't tried.

    Be gentle to yourself Nell. This will pass just wait it out and be safe.

    ❤ Nat

  11. Quercus
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    10 October 2017 in reply to Quercus
    Forums / PTSD & Trauma / How do others deal/manage their triggers?
  12. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    10 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat,

    So the last few days have been hard.

    Yesterday I got a call saying my Aunt had passed away from a suspected heart attack. Totally unexpected. I had just seen her last week and had planned to have lunch with her on Thursday this week. So that was hard news to take and sent my anxiety levels up high.

    Then yesterday afternoon I had to see my GP. I hate her. I stuck with her because she knew some of my history but not anymore. I don't know where she got her degree from but I keep repeating the same things every time. You have got it written down, look it up.

    Then she asked me about sleeping. I tell her I get next to no sleep, it's affecting me in everyday things, I have no motivation or energy to do anything at all. I tell her the tablets she gave me do nothing and is there anything else I can try to help me sleep. So her stupid answer is to print out a good sleep practices sheet. What, doesn't she think I haven't already tried all of them already. I told her I've tried lots of them, her answer, try them again. She said it's to do with the flashbacks. REALLY, I think I know that already, it's my brain.
    Then she has the nerve to say 'you have been seeing the psychologist for awhile now, you should be getting better'.  So supposedly I am just meant to magically get better. I was so close to telling her where she could shove her opinion. So stormed out of there (she knew I was annoyed) and then cried all the way home. So my own doctor ended up triggering me. I ended up having SH and SI on my mind and sat outside because there are too many dangers inside and needed to calm down. Obviously my doctor missed the lessons on mental health! That was yesterday.

    So today, I had to go see a work cover psychiatrist for an assessment. Had major anxiety issues before hand and ended up SH. So got myself under control and went in there. Something I didn't want to do but knew I had too. The questions that were asked were probing and hard. Set my triggers off in front of him. Had a panic attack in front of him. Finally calmed down enough to get out of there and drive home.

    So now I am ok, just mentally drained and exhausted. Need to sleep but know that I won't. Spent this afternoon looking on the net for a new GP because I am not going back to her!

    I am hoping tomorrow is a quieter day. Have my psychologist tomorrow but he won't set me off, he does the opposite, makes sense of all my rambles and calms me down.

    BTW, how are you?

    Nell

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Quercus
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    11 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hi Nell,

    I'm sorry to hear about your Aunt. That must have been horrible. I'm guessing you were close to your Aunt? How are you coping with the news?

    As for your GP give her the boot! You can always request your medical records for a fee and give them to your new GP. Maybe ask around. I've always felt a personal reference was worth more when it comes to doctors.

    Wow. You have definately had a tough few days. It's good that your psychologist is tomorrow. Apart from that what do you do to manage your MI? Mindfulness? Exercise? Maybe it's time to bump up the self care activities. What do you think?

    Good luck tomorrow. I hope the psych session helps you and that he has some solid ideas for your safety plan.

    ❤ Nat

  14. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    11 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat,

    I was close to my Aunt. She was my fathers sister. My father passed away 2.5 yrs ago so since then I kept in contact with her a lot more. She lived close to me too. I am coping ok, was hard to tell my kids however but you know kids, they seem to process it better than most adults!

    Yes, my GP is getting the boot! To manage my MI I have a list of things that I do depending on how anxious I am, if its a panic attack, that sort of thing. So mostly I use the smiling mind app, 5 senses and breathing exercises, a muscle relaxation exercise, I have a script I read to myself.

    My self care is very low, it is something the psychologist is working with me on, to try and be kind with myself. I struggle to do that and to remind myself that I can let people in. I am one that shuts out people to protect myself and also to protect them from my problems. I am a work in progress!! My psych session went well, my psych has a calming effect on me. I have his voice recorded on my phone which takes me through a relaxation exercise which I listen to a lot!

    So that is me, but what about you! What brings you to this forum? (If you don't mind me asking)

    Nell

  15. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
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    11 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hello Nell

    I too am sorry to hear about the death of your aunt, especially because it was so unexpected. It is hard to lose the important people in our lives. I take it you will attend her funeral. Can you make sure someone is with you to help you over the hardest bits. Saying goodbye is something we have to do but it is not easy. So if another friend or a family member will hold your hand, metaphorically speaking, I think it would be good.

    If there is a gathering after the funeral I think it would be beneficial to attend. Use the time to talk about your aunt and remember all her little quirks, her kindness and all those things that made the person she was. It's good to talk about people and remember them in this way. It is honouring their lives.

    I agree, ditch the GP and find someone worthwhile.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Quercus
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    11 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hi Nell,

    "Work in progress" I like that 😊

    I imagine having the psychologist's voice recorded would be very helpful seeing as you find talking to him "safe". Closing your eyes and imagining you are in his office in a safe environment. I like that idea.

    Sometimes I imagine I am walking through my grandparent's garden in my mind. It is a peaceful and safe thought too.

    I do have a thread in the long term section you are most welcome on (just be aware there will be triggers ... SI and abuse mostly). It's pretty long and I talk a lot about gardening 😊.

    In a nutshell I took a long time to be diagnosed with depression. Started psychotherapy which has ups and downs. Am old hat with chronic pain and dealing with toddlers. And love lists and letters to myself 😊.

    I hope this peaceful mood stays with you today.

    ❤ Nat

  17. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    12 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Mary - thank you, I don't think it has sunk in yet but will on Monday at the funeral. I will have my hubby with me so will be ok on the day and have enough support around me. And yes, I am ditching the GP!

    Nat - I did find your thread and have yet to explore it. When I am in a better head space I will.

    Unfortunately the peaceful mood didn't stay. Am still dealing with some new flashbacks from overnight. The brain certainly has a way of making you take notice, in the most traumatic way possible.

    But, I just have to keep on going, take my baby steps and try and make some sense out of all of this.

    Nell

  18. Quercus
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    13 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hi Nell,

    How are you going with managing the flashbacks? Did you manage to work on your saftey plan at all?

    I hope you're feeling ok today. Don't worry about my thread ok. I'm worried it will have a few triggers and now isn't the time to give yourself extra stress.

    Do you have some relaxing plans for the weekend?

  19. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    14 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Nat,

    Big 48 hours but I won't go into too much detail. Did some silly things, got myself into a bad situation and had CAT team out to my house yesterday. Which ended up being a good thing because I am getting the proper help I need now.

    I am not going on your thread just yet!! TV and radio trigger me so am going to stick to threads that are safe!

    Weekend is pretty full on, going to see hubbby's Nan who is in a nursing home. Haven't seen her for awhile since she lives 2 hours away but important that we see her. Then Sunday is taken up with kids sporting activities.

    How are your going? Have you got a busy weekend or can you relax and get out in your garden?

    Nell

  20. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
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    14 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hello Nell

    So sorry you got into some strife but it's great that now you are getting some proper help. It seems that sometimes we need to have a huge crisis before we get help. I hope this start you on your journey back to good health.

    I find many programs on TV trigger me so I am quite selective what I watch, but even so something can pop up and I am away again. I love the radio which is on much of the time. I like classical music which is often instrumental so there are no words to set me off. It's all about meeting your needs and what you can tolerate.

    I hope the visit to your husband's Nan gives joy to all of you. I know about children's sporting activities and the need to be in two places at the same time. Weekends were always a rush.

    Mary

  21. Nellym
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    15 October 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    I tend to watch movies rather than tv shows so I know what is in them. I have a playlist made up that I listen to in the car instead of the radio. It has lots of classical music on it too which I find very soothing.

    The visit wasn't that good. I use to be so good around people and could deal in any situation. Now, I can't seem to deal with anyone, hate crowds and too many triggers when I go out especially to unknown places. I just want to hide under my doona today!

    But I've had two nights with no nightmares, so new meds must be working. Unfortunately I can't stay on these forever, just s short term solution at the moment. Spoke to CAT team yesterday, speaking again to them today too.

    Anyway enough about me, how are you going?

    Nell

  22. Quercus
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    15 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hi Nell,

    Sorry for the slow reply. How are you holding up today?

    I find the pressure to get back to the "old me" comes around a bit. Usually from myself to be honest. But the thing is the old me wasn't crash hot. Yep I could perform for people. People thought I was happy. I had energy to expend on coping and BSing my way through situations that freaked me out.

    How is this a good thing? Old me was burning herself out. Putting herself last. Burying the hurt. And slowly destroying herself from the inside out. New me is less BS more self care and blunt honesty. What's wrong with that? I'd rather be alive.

    What do you think? Are you being too hard on yourself?

    I really hope the CAT team can help until you feel able to start again. We have bad times where we need help to get back to stable. It's ok. Time to regroup and try again. You are dealing with trauma and the loss of your aunty recently. It is ok not to be coping. It's ok to ask for support. And it is ok to drop the masks and admit you don't feel so great right now.

    Thinking of you Nell and hoping you're taking good care of yourself even if you're busy with sports today.

    ❤ Nat

  23. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    17 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Mary & Nat

    Just writing to let you know I am not in a good place at the moment. Will write more when I can but not at the moment.

    I hope you are both doing well and thank you for your continued help

    Nell

    1 person found this helpful
  24. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    17 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Dear Nell

    Sorry you are in a bad place. Has the CAT team visited you or can you contact them? Another good place to phone is the Suicide Callback Service available 24/7. 1300 659 467 When you are feeling this dreadful it's a fantastic service and the people answering the phone will talk with you for quite a while. I've probably given you this number before but it is handy here.

    Did you look at your safety plan? It's times like this we need it most and also that times like this when we forget. This is a reminder. Stay safe. Write again when you are ready.

    Mary

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  25. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    17 October 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    Yes CAT team have been out. Have got safety plan in place, and used SCBC multiple times the last few days.

    I will get there, just a rough patch at the moment. I will write more when I can

    2 people found this helpful
  26. Quercus
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    19 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Hi Nell,

    It's been a few days just checking in to make sure you are ok? No pressure just focus on being safe and know we care about you.

    Sending you support and gentle thoughts.

    ❤ Nat

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    19 October 2017 in reply to Quercus

    Hi Mary and Nat,

    I am not ok but I am still here. On Monday I came into contact with the perpetrator from my childhood sexual assault. it was not by choice. Unfortunately this has led my to a very dark place since Monday. I am still not in a good place, but have professionals around that are helping me. I saw a psychiatrist yesterday and have been placed on different meds. So for now I am just trying to stay safe and avoid lots things as I am getting triggered very easily at the moment. I do come on here but just stick to about 3 threads as I can't cope with anymore at the moment. I am just taking it hour by hour and just trying to survive.

    Thank you to you both for your wonderful advice and your concern, I appreciate it.

    Nell

  28. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
    6325 posts
    19 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    My Dear Nell

    What a dreadful thing to happen, no wonder you are all over the place. I am thankful you have your team around you. It must have quite scary to see him. I know it can take a little while to climb back up out of the pit. Please remember we are here whenever you need us. Sending you lots of hugs and love.

    Mary

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Nellym
    Nellym avatar
    211 posts
    22 October 2017 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary,

    Thanks for your reply.

    I have spent since Wednesday between the bed and the couch. Have had some new flashbacks from the incident on Monday which have been very disturbing. Had CAT team in touch and am using SCBS to get through the nights. I will get there, it will just take some time. Just trying to get through each hour, continue to use my safety plan and get the help I need.

    I hope you are well and things are going ok for you.

    Nell

  30. White Rose
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    White Rose avatar
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    23 October 2017 in reply to Nellym

    Nell, you are a treasure.

    Keeping yourself safe and working with the safety plan. I understand how painful it is for you at the moment, so remind yourself you have managed nearly a week. The first part is always the hardest because of the shock factor.

    How is your husband going? Does he know what happened? Leaning on him a bit and talking when you feel it's OK will help.

    Oh dear, more flashbacks and new ones no doubt triggered by that encounter. I imagine you are worn out with the whole thing. Try to do the ordinary things like eating good things, even in small quantities and perhaps a short stroll with husband. There's lots of data on exercise and the value to improving mental health, or at least this is what my GP tells. She's probably right. Small steps.

    I am managing OK . I have to see a specialist tomorrow about the constant high levels of inflammatory markers. My GP cannot find a reason although she says that different inflamed areas in my body may be due to different reasons. Great! Take a pill for the arm, a different one for the legs, surgery for the brain (joking), and another pill to stop the first two from fighting. I don't think it will come to that, probably just arthritis and me having a whinge.

    I'm pleased you find the SCBS useful. I think they are pretty good and don't need lots of explanations, though it may be because I explain well (?). 😊

    Lovely to hear from you.

    Mary

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