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Forums / Long term support over the journey / In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

Topic: In so much pain because of mood swings (Schizoaffective).

  1. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    21 January 2016

    Hello.  I never thought I would be posting here because being sad is just not me.  And my psychologist is not responding and i don't know  what else to do.  And i know night time is coming again and I'm scared

    Because i am in a very lowly way and i can only manage short burst of sleep like naps.  My head hurts so bad and i can't stop thinking.  Strange sentences form in my head and roll on like those movie credits for HOURS.   And last night i was ok for abit but come 4am i was mess and the headache was making me feel like i had to vomit but had nothing there.   I have  no appetite and I'm feeling the paranoia - Yesterday i cried. ranted. couldn't breathe properly. That went for4 hrs and I'm still exhausted from it

    I told partner please help me.  I just kept repeating it and he kept walking away and then got angry and said "I'm sorry i don't know what to do OK!".     I said please please take me to hospital because i don't want the children to see me like this and i'm so scared but he said no because he said they wouldn't let me out and that he needs to work so we can eat.  Plus not to involve his parents so i must straighten myself up.

    I told him these thoughts I'm having are BAD.   So far today I'm ok i think.   I wish i didn't live so rural. I'm trying to relax. i don't think it's fair.  A massage is not helping. Plus i have to listen to this machine gun noise because partner plays this war game

    Ps: i know i say things like i want to die but that's not true ok.  I just want whatever is wrong with me to stop

    beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.


  2. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    21 January 2016 in reply to Simona
    Also I have to say; the psychosis - it was here all weekend.   I really don't know what the hell I was doing in the bush in 40 odd degrees.   Because now the person I was looking for doesn't exist. 
    2 people found this helpful
  3. Scotchfinger
    Scotchfinger avatar
    303 posts
    21 January 2016 in reply to Simona

    Sounds like you need some help, urgently Simona.  I'm not  qualified to give you expert advice. I think you need to speak to someone else besides your husband. Can you speak to someone in town? How about calling lifeline?

    Take care anyway.

  4. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7378 posts
    21 January 2016 in reply to Simona

    Hey Simona

    I'm so sorry you are feeling sad and scared, I wish I was at your place to physically help you or something. Did you call your mum? I know you have spoken of her before. I want to help you so much, but I don't know how. Maybe you just need a nice long rest, or something. I am sending you some love now.

    Will you post back, and let us know how you are going?

    With much love to you

    Shelley xx

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    21 January 2016 in reply to Scotchfinger

    I can't talk about it because talking about it makes it worse.  The head pain the lot.  I have been struggling to just get this out because I'm stuck in this word maze. 

    Thank-you

     

  6. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    21 January 2016 in reply to Shelll

    Oh Shelley anne  -

    Gosh you know; there wouldn't be much you could do.  I'm really not good for psychical company/interaction but I so appreciate your warmth and concern.   Please know that.  Because i do feel it. 

    The way i am: i would like to be put under general anaesthetic and just left in dark room with no noise

    That weird head pain is was I fear most.  It made me feel like i had to be sick. Because I fell asleep with it and I woke up with it and it's all on one side and no matter which way I turn my head it hurts.  It's like something is in there.

    I'm here but not really.   Yes I spoke to my mum yesterday. She called right in the middle of it all .  She mainly listened and said oh no please take your benzos.     butI just can't.   I don't know why but i just can't 

    *Thank-you*

     

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    21 January 2016 in reply to Simona

    I had one of those OBE dream experiences again.  I was walking down the street and I began to slow down. First my thoughts then my body. It was that fading out feeling again like a battery going flat. And I turned back to ask for help because there were people getting out of a parked car but the nearer I got the more erased i felt . And I said please help me. Please call the ambos but they didn't hear.

    And just like in that other dream i collapsed but i didn't float up.  Instead i was sucked down a long dark tunnel away from the light and i was travelling at high speed with that light at the top getting smaller.   

    I felt i was dying and i panicked enough so that i woke up but i felt like i was in a dream still. My bedroom looked the same but it was like i was in a different dimension.  So i lay there in bed too scared to shut my eyes but this incredible pulling feeling dragged me back and i was in that tunnel and hurtling down again and i had such a panic attack this time that i woke up and got out of bed.  Phew that was so scary!   Been awake since. I was scared i was going to hell.

     

    1 person found this helpful
  8. romantic_thi3f
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
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    romantic_thi3f avatar
    3083 posts
    21 January 2016 in reply to Simona

    Hi Simona,

    Thanks for reaching out. I'm sorry that you've been going through such a tough time and it sounds incredibly exhausting.

    Were you able to get in contact with your psychologist?  Did she help at all?

    Sometimes when people are feeling this way it helps to try and have a panic or anxiety box.  In this box are things that help make people feel a little more calmer and a little less lonely; maybe it's candles, smelly perfumes, a teddy, photos or even some music.  It can sound silly at first but remembering that what you're going through wont' last forever and that you are strong enough to get through it.  It's also okay to ask your husband to stop playing for a bit or play at a different time; I know how confronting gun noises can be even if they are from a game! 

    Hopefully you'll have a bit more insight from your psychologist - and maybe even she can give you some numbers to call if you get stuck like this again, such as Lifeline or Beyond Blue support line.

    Hope this helps,

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7378 posts
    22 January 2016 in reply to Simona

    Hey Simona

    I am glad your mum called you up. Those dreams do sound quite scary, I'm sorry. Did you manage to get any proper rest at all? I am thinking of you, and I wish I could free you from all the things that trouble you. 

    With much love

    Shelley xx

     

  10. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    22 January 2016 in reply to romantic_thi3f

    Well I haven't tried to reach him again and he never did respond to my earlier call.   If it wasn't the school holidays it wouldn't be so tough. But I just don't get a reprieve.   I have had children come and go, sleep-overs. Drop offs, pick -ups , movie nights etc etc.   Squabbles, hissy fits and all the rest. 

    Despite my own mental struggles/insomnia I think I have been pretty damn accommodating to all because there's really not much out here.

    But some of my child's mates deliberately play tricks on me/set me up on wild goose chases - crank calls until I scream because  they ring home line and my mobile over and over and then they get together and laugh about how loud i scream.    I know this by word of mouth.   Things like that. And my son has confessed to being in on one of these gags and that made me feel puzzled because i love him so much.

    And when I'm in that really happy way they seemingly zero in on me because they know that just about any idea is going to be swell by me.    I can say this now because I'm down in the gravel again but when I'm in the middle of a 'high' or whatever you want to call it i don't have this level of clarity and i get reeled in .  By children

    Because I have no history in print as in a diagnosis I think perhaps my psychologist assumes I'm just a stressed out mother.  Maybe that is one of the reasons for his mutiny.  I haven't even had my 1st session with the man so he knows nothing except that i called for him crying.

    Anxiety/Panic box -  For me it's the shower cubicle and well; i like standing in there with the water running over me.  If i can't shower i listen to my Ipod.    I like my time in another room just for a 'breather'. 

    Sorry if this post is abit all over the place. 

     

  11. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    22 January 2016 in reply to Shelll

    Hello Shelley anne

    Rest? ha.  No such hope.   Thank-you so much for your kind thoughts  : )  

    I hope tonight is better. In any case i don't think there is any hocus pocus at work here. Just the effects of insomnia coupled by moodiness and mild anorexia. 

    For the time being i feel stable (7pm here).    If i disappear for few days don't worry. We tend to lose internet coverage during storms    

    : )

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7378 posts
    22 January 2016 in reply to Simona

    Thinking of you today, just wanted to say hello to you and send some love to you at your place.

    With love

    Shelley xx

  13. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    24 January 2016 in reply to Shelll

    I'm feeling so not good.   I just feel so grinded down.  And maybe I shouldn't fear that dark tunnel so much because in a lot of ways I feel like I'm in a living hell anyway

    I try so hard for a good morning. A good day.  And when I'm feeling relatively stable after catching up on sleep, gathering all my reserves together someone else explodes (my 10 yr old) and I try to duck and weave around them.  Because I don't want to lose my self control and end up like I was couple of days ago.

    Here: take your benzo and get on with it.   But I can't.   About 4 days out of 7  i'm woken up by my son through the night though his on melatonin.  That's if I'm actually sleeping.    He's not well. I'm not well.    What to do..what to do...   somedays like today I just want to run away but I can't bring myself to do it.   I know I wouldn't last out there for long. 

    I love them all with every fibre of my being.  But I can't just tune out like their dad with his Playstation.   Half days they all sit there gaming alternating between the ipod, ipad and playstation and it eats at me.   Machine gun ratatatatat.   My children don't play those but none the less sit and watch their dad playing.    And that is 'family' time  : (

    No-one want to go anywhere with me even for drive.   I'm lonely and miss my 17 year old so much.

    Shelley anne  : )    Your light and love received with gratitude.     I'm touched you have taken a moment to think of me.

     

     

    2 people found this helpful
  14. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7378 posts
    24 January 2016 in reply to Simona

    So what did you get up to today. Did you go for a walk with your dog or anything? I'm sorry you and your little boy are not well. I do wish I could do something. 

    With lots of love to you

    Shelley xx

  15. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    29 January 2016 in reply to Shelll

    Hello Shelley anne  : )

    Well I'm pleased to report I successfully moved family out of the lounge...eventually.   Got them out and into the state forest for a good 3 hour nature walk.   Master 10 grumbled and kicked the dirt. Threw fallen branches. Thrown sticks and repeated "I 'fricken' hate this MUM!!!   I'm going to die here, my legs feel weak....ba ba baaa".   I told them all this will be a routine event every weekend depending on weather.  

    Australia Day we went to the lake and the children had a swim with their new paddle boards.  Partner had to work though.  The water sure worn us out

    We are ok so please don't worry. Master 10 is very similar to me.  He just needs to move. If he feels prickly/frustrated better he be walking and throwing sticks then playing car racing games or going through the recycling bin to find potential 'missiles'  

    Lots of love right back 'atcha'    : )

    Simona

     

     

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7378 posts
    30 January 2016 in reply to Simona

    Hey Simona

    That swim sounds really nice. I am glad you are OK. Boys seem to like  finding and or making missiles and such.

    With love

    Shelley xx

     

     

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    1 February 2016 in reply to Shelll

    Bad things have happened.

    1. Someone (social worker) has gone behind my back and reported my mental status and now an individual has been assigned to haunt me every week via phone.  They ask me about my feelings which is the equivalent of trying  to pick a scab until I bleed.     I have no choice about this and it's not easy for me to talk because I have to be very careful with what I say and how I say it.    And this individual want to assign some kind of person to come and spend time with me.   And I said NO thanks. I like being alone in a quiet house

    2. Partner was cooking for a change and I was playing Pop Weasel around the table with Master 10 when mum rang.   And I love my mum but this woman can turn into a downpour on my parade. Because she gets paranoid when I don't call and she wanted to know how I am.     And she said 2 very upsetting things to me that make me feel like a rusty cheese grater.    A.  She is concerned I'm going to suicide  and B. My son will grow up to be a psychopath.        And I got quite tense inside but restrained my tone which I'm proud of. I told her not all psychopaths do those terrible things.   Some are very successful business people or even anaesthetists.   And I will love him anyway.  And she said there is no such thing called "unconditional love" : /

    I love my mum but her imagination is out of control.  And it frustrates me so badly because I was having a good time/I was happy.     Sometimes I really wonder who is mentally ill  : /

    I will sooner run away and re-invent myself than die.  And next week I'm supposed to see the psychologist and I'm ultra paranoid.   It's not an offense to think stuff.  Thoughts = clouds.  They drift and hurt no-one.

     

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7378 posts
    2 February 2016 in reply to Simona

    Hello Simona

    I know you love your children. Thinking of you.

     With much love

    Shelley xx

     

     

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    2 February 2016 in reply to Shelll

    hello Shelley

    For you i will smile  : )

    My mum phoned earlier. She really wanted to train it up and stay for a couple of days .  She said to please just think about it but i will say no. I don't want her to see me. Nothing personal.

    I don't understand why people have to make such fuss.   There's concern if i 'm really happy ( i actually think there's a degree of jealousy there).  And then likewise worry if I'm silent like stone.  Life could be SO simple if people could just learn to relax and kick back a little.  I have hurt no-one and have no plans to. I'm just for fun and i am who iam.  I'm whistling my own tune and was actually daydreaming for the better part of the day - about visiting Machu Picchu if i win the tatts tonight.  There a lake there i want to swim in.

    *Thank you Shelley*

  20. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    5 February 2016 in reply to Simona

    I love my children yes. I love them so much.  I'm not  able to talk much but i kiss them gently while they sleep and stand over them watching 

     

     

  21. Shelll
    Shelll avatar
    7378 posts
    6 February 2016 in reply to Simona

    Just saying hello, and to let you know I am thinking of you !

    Love

    Shelley xxx

    PS. Please feel free to answer or not. No pressure.

    1 person found this helpful
  22. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11220 posts
    6 February 2016 in reply to Shelll

    Hey Simona

    My heart aches for the feelings you have right now...

    We are here....(if you wish to answer..no problemo)

    Paul

    (just a hug if thats okay)

    2 people found this helpful
  23. Bluey moon
    Bluey moon avatar
    514 posts
    6 February 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Oh Simona 😭 

    I wish I could help you! 

     

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Graceeeeee
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Graceeeeee avatar
    414 posts
    6 February 2016 in reply to Simona

    Hey Simona!

    I am so so sorry to hear what you're going through, earlier I was just imagining going over to your place and give you a hug, hug tight hug and I won't let go until you do. I feel pain from your pain, and even if I'm not a professional I still hope I can help by making you feel less lonely, I, and all everyone on this forum, will be here and love, support you whenever you need us :)

    I understand how little kid's pranks can be hurtful sometimes, but I think the fact that your son confessed to you about being in one of those pranks means that he feels guilty, and kids are kids, they don't understand how pranks hurt you, because when they get pranked they find it funny, and your son probably just wanted to fit in with his mate :) I find myself less myself when I try to fit in with people too :) So don't take it personally, when he grows a little older he will understand more :)

    Also, the swim on Australia Day sounds nice! And although your good time with Master 10 sounds really good too! Even though it was interrupted it'd still be pleasing to have hung out with your little buddy :P

    When I'm down at times I find listening to music or reading helps, or sometimes I talk to people, it's so much better since I found the BB forum where everyone understands :) And I hope I have made you feel a little better, even if just a little less lonely, know that my heart is here with you and I love and care about you, like everyone here does :)

    Sending you endless love for you from the bottom of my heart, and big big hugs that might just suffocate you a little bit <3

    Hope this evening has been a little better for you! :)

    With Love,

    Grace xx

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    7 February 2016 in reply to Graceeeeee

    I'm feeling so overcome. I come here and people react and respond to me. Show me emotion.   I'm stuck behind thickened tempered glass or so it feels.  I wish I could feel something other than confusion, adrenalin and fear.   I go from laughing to crying just like that.  I don't get jokes and am not good at making them but I laugh at my own comedy

    This morning I'm writing this with clarity. I'm feeling sharp and not serrated.

     Some time ago a man said to me "it must suck to be you'.

    And this moment in time I have to agree.  I can't just unscrew my head and place it on the bedside table although the thought of parting with it is fierce.   All weekend the psychosis.   I was alone since Friday.  That is alone in my head. Partner came home very early Friday but I shut myself away in another room and pulled down blinds away from the sunlight.    This is not about him or feelings.  I just have to do it.

    This is what it's like to be me.  I sometimes go weird but I'm not aware until I come to and I'm bent over the kitchen sink scooping  soft boiled egg into my mouth with yolk running between my fingers only to lick them off. And then I feel like some ravenous animal dripping yellow.  For that was dinner to me and i was trying to outrace the clock again in fear of losing time. Because the clocks around the house try to trick me hence my interest in time-travel tutorials and Donny Darko.

     I feel more with 'it' this morning.  My heart is pumped and I feel like I need to out run something/someone. But the children are in school with their healthy cut lunches and I'm all nicely lacquered and perfumed for the day. Because whatever is in the head appearances must be maintained especially in small town. I'm 'pulling' myself 'together'.     This for me is a mental picture of a rusty piece of barbed wire that I'm trying to bend and knot. I see this in my head now.

    I spent Saturday in my darkened room talking to my dog because she was making too much noise.  Except she was never in the room with me but everything I heard was true and real. Something was in there with me and it was not a mouse. It was much bigger and moving around at the foot off the bed.

     Came night the vertigo hit and I was on spin cycle again.  I think from all those head movements I do. It comes with a dirty smirk on my face. I'm not aware of this but partner and my children notice.   "Why are you smirking mum?"    "What are you up to now"?     Me;   oh nothing.

     

     



    1 person found this helpful
  26. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    8 February 2016 in reply to Simona

    So I hide away because I feel the sepsis creeping through me and they are beginning to notice. Just put me in a room because when I'm like this i  NEED those walls.  This is not something new.  Since  I was 13. But now I'm woman and I forget myself. I forget I'm not a child as I race them around the house or crawl on the carpet pretending to be an animal.  That is how I crawled into my 17 year old's bedroom one night.  God I love to make them laugh.  My own children gently push papers under the door when I'm gone for long.   "When are you coming out mum?" or "Can I come in"?    They have all become letter pushers because knocking/banging is too startling for me.  I hear partner trying to keep them away from the door.

    Sunday I was unwell because I didn't know where I was or what I was about to do.  I stood in the hallway about to just burst into tears and asked what am I doing.    And partner told me and gave me a list except I lost the list for few minutes and panicked.  He kept my 2 younger children away from me (10, 8).    Master 10 provokes me greatly. I'm really no good with him.  He works me up into a frenzy.  He is my detonator.    He and his friend upset me again playing cruel trick on Saturday.  It involved a dead animal and partner got very cross with them and asked them what they were thinking.

     Thank-you so much for reaching out to me.  Your KINDNESS and CONCERN is grounding/anchoring.  I'm trying really hard here but I feel schizoid and communicating incl physical closeness is not easy for me as is speaking.   This week I have to see my psychologist.  And I'm terrified of not coming home so much so that I have booked myself in to a salon the next day .  Some incentive to hold myself together so that barbed wire doesn't bleed me out and expose me

    Sorry for his long long reply.   I didn't mean to get carried away. I just feel I ought to explain myself because I'm not a monster

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Starwolf
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Starwolf avatar
    2521 posts
    8 February 2016 in reply to Simona

    Simona, sweetheart....seeing you in such bad place breaks my heart.

    It seems to me your OBE experience contains a clear message : you want out, you NEED out for a while. It seems your loved ones are contributing to your distress as they have no idea how to respond. Sometimes, input from others -no matter how well meant- only complicates an already difficult situation. The fact that you lock yourself away in your bedroom shows that time alone and away from external turmoil is what you need. Could this be organized in a way that makes you feel safe and supported ?

    Bringing order to chaotic personal head space is difficult enough without being bombarded by too much outside stimulus. How would you feel about taking a break for a while ? Would your partner be willing to run the household in your absence ? Machu Picchu sounds like a good idea, but the logistics involved might make it too difficult. You may have to opt for an easier alternative !

    I hope your therapist can help with creative suggestions to ease the pain. As you well know, this exhausting turmoil has to stop. Peace of mind is our birthright.

    My love and thoughts are with you.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Graceeeeee
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Graceeeeee avatar
    414 posts
    8 February 2016 in reply to Simona

    Hey Simona!

    I'm here to let you know that my love and thoughts are here with you, it's good to hear that you love your kids and love to make them laugh :) I think it's good that your partner left you alone when you needed to be too. I don't think it 'sucks to be you', I think you are an unique, beautiful, intelligent and strong woman, who is still battling with her mind although it's just so hard and she just wants to run away so bad sometimes, but you are special and you are so tough and amazing, you may not see it yet but one day you will :) 

    And I think it's good that you're seeing your psychologist next week, it's good to see what kind of creative suggestions he/she could come up with to help you ease the pain a little, and (if you are willing to of course) you could ask for his/her opinion on whether or not you could take some medications to help control the mood swing a little, hope I'm not offending you in anyway :)

    I am glad to hear that me being here has helped you, just letting you know that as always, me and everyone here will always be here to support you and love you whenever you need us :) Even to just tell you that we care, and you are not alone.

    So so much love to you my dear Simona!!! <3 Hope you're feeling a little better today, don't hesitate to post anything on your mind :)

    With much Love,

    Grace xx <3 <3

    2 people found this helpful
  29. Bluey moon
    Bluey moon avatar
    514 posts
    8 February 2016 in reply to Starwolf

    Simona honey, my love, thoughts and prayers (if you beleive in that sort of thing?) are with you! 

    If I could take away your pain I would! 

    You are not a monster! 

    Skye

    2 people found this helpful
  30. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11220 posts
    8 February 2016 in reply to Starwolf

    Hey Simona

    That guy that said 'it must suck to be you' .....Just a quick note on that comment...

    * Avoid people who are overly critical and negative....

    * I have many people I know that dont have the confidence to post the way you do.....

    * You are a Legend

    Take good care....there are a lot of very kind people on here that support you...

    Hugz

    Paul

    3 people found this helpful

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