You don't assume too much. I'm just realising how closely my reaction under pressure is the same as it was back nearly fifty years ago; nothing has changed. I shrink, I want a way out, can't find one, except in my own head, can't communicate, fear if I did I'dmmake what is happening go on longer & worse, so want to, yep, get it over & done with. I create my own little barrier to hide behind & let them do whatever.
That's NOT what I want to do, not as an adult - it makes me feel so awful about myself, as awful as I've ever felt at my worst.
It doesn't help that I feel easily overwhelmed.
Wen out shopping it's too much noise, too much visiual stimulation for my brain to manage, choices. when I'm not sure what the there is to choose from, too little time to take the time needed, too much physical discomfort/pain, I dont even manage a couple bags & my cane without dropping something. I think,, 'I wish I was an octopus', but no, if I was I'd just be in more of a tangle.
At the medical things, it's keeping track of what is being said & asked, remembering thing I need to, & facing the possible need to undress at all or be examined, with the pushing prodding & positioning my body & limbs & having to co-operate & permit whatever it is they are going to do. &, most frequently, I don't see them coming. Most time they announce what they are about to do, but still I feel the touch as an intrusion & I am inclined to 'block' my mind & feelings from registering it - though, obviously, I already did! It's so irksome.
I'm still trying to process, rationally, what happened several minutes after, while my helper is babbling, (to my ears), talking about what we're doing next.
But I have to do these things. Part of looking after myself, my health, in particular... but you are right, too. All the fatigue & worries, imagining 'what if' too much, doesn't help.
Trying to decide when I feel incapable... but these are MY decisions. As horrendous as it feels trying to make decisions for myself, to be in charge of myself, I feel, if I let others take over, I'd feel much worse.
Except there is this conflicted part of me that says, go on, let people take over - it would be so much easier to just let them take care of me, like ... all the crap is true,. There is an attractiveness to being so 'cared for', if I just stop fighting & thinking, & caring myself. Who would not like to stop struggling?
Yet, so much I forget, can't seem to track, & then feel confused & uncertain.