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Forums / Long term support over the journey / My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

Topic: My wife isn't the least bit interested in sex and I am taking it personally. Should I?

  1. Alice in Wonderland
    Alice in Wonderland avatar
    6 posts
    27 May 2015

    Hi Steven1,

    I hope the experience with counsellor was better than your previous ones and has given you a chance to vent if nothing else. I think the fact that you are willing to see a counsellor by yourself is a really good sign about your attitude to the relationship and dealing with your own depression in all of it.

    It sounds like your wife might benefit from a chat with a counsellor too, but it can be a difficult one to suggest. I am still finding my way to a counsellor, but definitely need to see one. I don't want to make this about me, but I have some more recent thoughts/experiences that might help.

    I had a massive meltdown/panic attack at the Drs surgery the other day and the way it was handled made me realise I need to find a new GP. It also made me realise that even though I'm out of the stage your wife is in, I obviously have some deep issues that haven't been dealt with since my son arrived.

    I'm realising that motherhood has really messed with my sense of identity and I had started to resent how much my life had changed, while my husband's remained relatively the same. I never thought I would enjoy being back at work, but the mental break it gives me, and the sense of being 'off' mum duty for a few hours and 'on' teacher duty (I'm a teacher) makes me feel like I have a bit of my old self back after feeling lost for quite a while there. I find being solely a stay at home mum much harder than balancing it with a bit of work, which really surprised me as I was so looking forward to being a SAHM and quitting work (lucky I didn't quit!).

     

  2. Alice in Wonderland
    Alice in Wonderland avatar
    6 posts
    27 May 2015

    I can understand it was very hard for you to do much on Mother's Day and I totally get that it's a hard balance and I don't know your circumstances or what your relationship with your parents is like, but I reckon I would have felt a bit resentful of you seeing your mum while I was stuck at home with two young kids all day. You can't go back in time so it's not worth feeling bad about it, but I think giving her another day when you do have the opportunity would be really appreciated.

    It can really feel like you are on mum duty 24/7, even when other people are around to help. You just can't switch off. One thing I found really helpful in this regard was when my husband minds our son so I can do activities for me (e.g. exercise, cocktails/coffee with friends, shopping, baking etc.). Anything that gives me some 'me time' where I am physically and mentally away from mum duty. I also do this for my husband so he can work on the car, go to the footy etc. It is so important for both of you to look after your sanity and have some time alone doing things you enjoy and I really haven't been doing that enough. My sister in law books a day like this with her husband every 3 weeks and calls it her RDO.

    Hopefully, once your wife has some more 'me time' and less 24/7 'mum time', she may feel a bit more like her old self and have more emotional space for some 'us time'. I was doing exactly the same thing as your wife at night with Facebook and buying baby things online. Honestly, part of it was that it felt like the only time of day where I could have uninterrupted time to get stuff done that I wanted to get done (keeping in touch with people, buying things we needed, asking questions on forums) and part of it was avoiding intimacy because our relationship just felt so awkward. 

  3. Alice in Wonderland
    Alice in Wonderland avatar
    6 posts
    27 May 2015

    One night I just turned to my husband and asked 'what is going on with us?' I knew that he was feeling increasingly frustrated and so was I for different reasons. It sounds like you are doing all the 'right' things helping around the house and talking to each other about your days (a great start!), but maybe it's time for a deeper conversation about where your relationship is at and where you would like it to head? Not just talking about sex, but the whole deal. How is she feeling about her life? How are you feeling about your life? What problems do you both have with your relationship at the moment? Try to listen and give each other time to fully express your feelings before giving your perspective on the issue (which is also important for the other person to hear).

    Our relationship has vastly improved in all areas since we had this kind of discussion (over a few awkward nights) and now we can just check in with each other every Monday night to see if there are any issues between us that we haven't talked about from the previous week. Having more emotional intimacy (e.g. sharing our true feelings, dreams, fears etc.) naturally lead to more physical intimacy. It is not perfect, but we're both pretty happy with where it is at right now, all things considered. 

    Good luck and I really hope you can make some progress in your relationship soon.

    P.S. It might be good to say that you would like to talk about your relationship at a time that suits her (in the next few days). Then she can be mentally and emotionally prepared for it like you.

    2 people found this helpful
  4. UpNDown
    UpNDown avatar
    9 posts
    27 May 2015

    I'm in the same situation. I've been struggling with what I believe is bipolar for years (never been diagnosed, but my father is and I'm exhibiting the symptoms) and have learned to identify and control my manic episodes. However my low times are usually triggered by something and quite often it is my wife, and she doesn't know it.

    We are completely mis matched in terms of our 'needs'. I adore her and let her know every day. But in response I often get either passive acknowledgement or sarcasm in return. What's the worst thing is if I make a sexual advance more often than not am rejected and I feel gutted. It has come to the point now where I don't make any moves in fear that I'll end up back down in a dark place in my head again. I'd prefer for her to want it but the wait is often long. Our longest that I've been able to count is 21 days. At the moment we're at longer than that but I have lost track.

    Some think, sure it's not important, but to me it is. It's how we have been before and my love for her hasn't changed after about six years now. I've raised it with her before and it was the most uncomfortable conversation to have and I can't even remember what the result was but we obviously didn't end up getting anywhere.

    I used to come up with exorbitant holidays or weekend getaways with romantic setups so something would happen. Sometimes it did but not to what I was expecting. Eventually that stopped working so I stopped trying. The best success in recent times is when she would go to the odd night out and get completely blind drunk and go into a wild sex frenzy getting home. Not the ideal situation as she is quite a handful after a big session, loses control and forgets about it all the next morning.

    One of the big factors was her weight (which never concerned me) then even went through a huge process to lose the weight with the promise of "I'll be more confident and we'll be able to have showers together and more sex...". That's all be done yet I'm still waiting.

    There was even a line dropped one day when I said something sort of jokingly about out huge 'dry' periods that I will never forget, "I could go for months without sex". How do you suppose that made me feel?

    We've never talked about my issues before. Especially since she has made it clear (due to others we know dumping their problems on her) that she doesn't want to be "dragged into other people's depression". I've simply put on a brave face, worn it and let it cut me up inside.

  5. Steven1
    Steven1 avatar
    65 posts
    28 May 2015 in reply to UpNDown

    Hi there up n down. Thanks for your post. I am sorry to hear that you are having the same issues as me. I know exactly how you feel and can relate to others not understanding or thinking it's no big deal.

    I have made some progress I am glad to report. My wife and I had a really good talk the other night and I spilt exactly how I have been feeling about the breakdown of our relationship and non existent sex life. It was a hard talk to have but it made a difference because last night we had our first sexual experience since Christmas last year. And she initiated it. 

    I have been to counselling once so far and was meant to go again yesterday but the psych was sick so have rescheduled for next week. I am pleased to report the first session was really good and I felt the counsellor really listened. 

  6. Jacko777
    Valued Contributor
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    781 posts
    28 May 2015 in reply to Steven1

    That's great news Steven1, on both fronts! Obviously communication without accusation is a key for all of us.

    And welcome UpnDown. I'm sorry to hear how it has been going for you. It's interesting that your wife says she could go without sex for months, kind of means to me that she has a lower sex drive than you, it doesn't mean that she is not attracted to you. Keep communicating with each other, tell her how you feel.

    Jack

  7. LittleLost
    LittleLost avatar
    1 posts
    30 May 2015
    Hello, I haven't read all the posts I'm sorry. I did want to comment though. I can very much relate to how you feel and I too take it personally. The only difference is... I'm a girl. It's my husband who isn't interested in me. I have talked to him about it, written him a letter, dressed in sexy things in his favourite colours, told him I want sex etc. nothing changes. I feel so undesirable and lonley. It hurts a lot and I'm so embarrassed 
  8. Sparkz
    Sparkz avatar
    1 posts
    5 August 2015 in reply to Steven1

    I have a question for you Steven1,

     

    If your partner was to continue as is, very little sex, would you leave or just continue on status quo?

     I'm in a similar position as many, many other men. I've looked around at hundreds of posts about this sort of situation generally the pattern is the same:

    1. Guy not getting any, ranges from once a week to once a year or less.

    2. Guy loves his wife/gf and presumably wife/gf loves him back.

     3. Woman often is 'too tired' or something similar <---- this comes up a lot. I'll come back to this.

    4. Man tries to do whatever he thinks it takes to address that 'too tired' problem.

     5. It doesn't change a thing, not for very long at least.

     

    I see it time and time again, it does not work to 'do more chores' or whatever you think will help her not be 'too tired', not for 90% of the stories (I followed lots along to the end of the thread). It could be higher than 90%. In fact I can't remember a single thread/story that ended 'I did more of the work around the house and now we have sex all the time, it's great, thanks everyone'.

    Many of these people and their partners sought councilors. Sometimes it helped, more often than not nothing changed.

     

    Now lets look at this 'too tired' comment.

    I ask you to think back at exciting times in your life. Times when you were most certainly tired, but still did rather physical activities. Skirmish is a great example for me, even if I'm really tired the moment I start to get into skirmish gear I start to get rather excited and I have plenty of energy for the next 2 or so hours. Adrenalin and all that. The point is, the emotional excitement is plenty enough to overcome and physical feelings of tiredness. It doesn't even have to be anything adrenaline pumping, think of those times were you are again tired and just thinking away in your head, when all of a sudden you realise the solution to a problem you are having, BAM you start to get aroused and wake up, physical tiredness be damned.

    Well, what happens if this 'too tired' is more a problem of "I'm not aroused by you"  In other words, 'at the moment I'm not attracted enough to you to have sex'. Then the question becomes one of 'What reasons could it be she is not attracted to me' rather than 'what do I have to do to make her feel less tired'. The answers to each question can be very, very different.

     

    5 people found this helpful
  9. fj_1980
    fj_1980 avatar
    9 posts
    5 August 2015 in reply to Steven1

    Hi Steven, I can sympathise with you and your situation because I have been there, with both of my wifes.

    It was very different with my first wife, all she wanted was a child and after pressuring me within the first year of our relationship to have a baby, I gave in and she was pregnant very quickly. After his birth I soon realised that all I was was a sperm donor. I stayed for 6 1/2yrs after our sons birth trying to make things work and not wanting to walk out and leave him. When did have sex I could tell it was only for my benefit so I didn't enjoy it and it didn't last all that long as a result. I honestly thought it was me and because I couldn't perform she didn't want me. Ultimately a few months before she threw me out I said I needed more, she was completely cold, no affection, nothing, she said she wanted to make it work, nothing changed though. Not long after that we had a fight over her texting other guys all the time and she said she couldn't do it anymore and wanted me out. I left and a few days later found out she had been seeing two other guys. I was gutted because I had tried for so long to get her to talk about things and fix it and going elsewhere was her choice. Im not saying this is like your situation but for years I felt the same as you. For me sex was the only time there was any affection, she just thought that all I thought about was sex, but it was the affection that really did it for me.

    I am re-married now and my wife and I really enjoy sex, even after 4yrs. My first sexual encounter after I split with my first wife showed me that it wasn't me, it was her that was the problem. My current wife had out first child in December last year. It took several months for things to get back on track and it took me sitting down and saying I needed more, we used to hold hands everywhere, cuddle in the kitchen whilst cooking dinner, snuggle on the couch etc, it had all but stopped, we both played a part. My wife was going through much the same as mentioned in this thread, body image issues, being tired etc but she realized that once she took the plunge and we had sex it was amazing and she wanted more, for a while there it was almost every night. It slowed down a month or so ago due to teething causing the bub to keep her up a lot, but she is still making the effort.

    I was happy to hear you guys had been able to talk. Hopefully now the ice is broken it will increase slowly. Sometimes its that first step that is the hardest.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Steven1
    Steven1 avatar
    65 posts
    6 August 2015 in reply to Sparkz

    Hi  Sparkz. I am glad that you posted - I was just thinking about how the situation hasn't been improving and was going to post again to get some ideas off everyone.

    I can't imagine leaving my wife but I also can't imagine going through the frustration and feelings of rejection that I feel at the moment for the rest of my life either. It is now August and we have had sex once this year (I see I posted back in May). Again there are plenty of excuses from my wife to avoid intimacy. Just this week she sent me a text message saying I was sexy and hinted she would initiate something that evening. Then after dinner she said she felt sick so that was the end of that. Last night it was that she was too tired. To me it feels as though she avoids me at all costs. I try to bring it up but she dismisses it like I am being ridiculous.

    I went to 6 sessions with a psychologist (paid through work) but they finished and work wouldn't fund anymore sessions. My wife attended 2 sessions with me. We didn't explore her avoidance of intimacy because she said she didn't feel comfortable talking about it with a stranger. I thought that was quite immature but she didn't want to go there so what can I do?

    The psychologist talked to me about "setting the mood" for intimacy. I know what he is talking about but unfortunately we don't have time for romantic dinners and walks along the beach like people in the movies do. We have a 4 month old baby and a demanding 3 year old. Babysitting is at a premium. It's not that easy! A few years ago we didn't need romantic evenings to have sex -  we just did it when we wanted to. That is long gone.

    I am really confused and feeling hopeless about the whole situation now. I don't know what to do

  11. Jacko777
    Valued Contributor
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    Jacko777 avatar
    781 posts
    6 August 2015 in reply to Sparkz

    Hi Sparkz and LittleLost,

    Welcome to both of you, good on you for posting. This is certainly something that can affect either male or female and LittleLost, I was sad to hear your story, it can be so frustrating and upsetting I know. In the past I have had to take a look at myself and have belief that I am desirable, this way I can try and not take it to heart. Then, for me, it's a matter of getting some help, find out what is really going on.

    Sparkz, you make some very valid points and thanks for your humour, I had a few laughs there. I really think personally that there is hope through counselling. It might be for some people that they are too tired, or need more to get them going, like a night out. But for many I think it probably goes much deeper and it takes a professional to get to the bottom of these things. It might take time too, sex and intimacy are surely deeply seated aspects of our minds, I imagine it can take some unravelling. But it's worth it and if you love someone, you give it your best shot, keep on track, find a counsellor that you both connect with. It's tough, someone has to keep the plan rolling.

    Jack

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Mr Cool
    Mr Cool avatar
    12 posts
    7 August 2015 in reply to Sparkz

    Sparkz has done his research and I have been there too. The following are just my thoughts and feedback. Your situation could be quite different, so make your own judgement.

    If you are not in a good place yourself, it can be hard. But being the best "Man" you can be, was my goal. You're not her friend youre her husband. You probably are her friend also, but you are NOT just a friend.

    Firstly address any physical or mental issues. Real ones that must be removed first.

    Communication is important however actions always speak louder than words. Sometimes it more important to just shut up and do what needs to be done.

    Secondly, Improve yourself. The more you improve yourself the more she will be attracted. Exercise, improve your body, buy nice clothes, be that cheeky boy, but overall be a fun person and have fun.

    Thirdly, initiate more. That was my biggest issue as I hated the rejection and thought I'll wait. Well 12 months is a long time to wait. When rejected (and it will happen a lot to begin with) just smile and say something light. Pouting and whining doesn't work. 

    Be clear that you have needs and maybe their are other ways to be intimate with her. I really had an issue with that one, as I was the good boy and found it hard to talk about.

    It didn't happen overnight for me, by it did happen, and I am in a better pace now than I have been for the last 30 years. I'm fitter, more energy, smile more, and have a happier wife. Yes that was Wife, but also life.

    3 people found this helpful
  13. Steven1
    Steven1 avatar
    65 posts
    11 August 2015 in reply to Mr Cool

    Thanks again to everyone that has posted. There have been some really good comments and suggestions. 

    I am getting worried about my marriage now. I am not sure if I'm in love with my wife anymore and I get the feeling she feels the same, although she isn't saying that. 

    We just don't have anything to say to each other anymore. Things have changed so much. I really don't know how to fix it. We keep going around in circles. 

     

  14. Jacko777
    Valued Contributor
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    Jacko777 avatar
    781 posts
    12 August 2015 in reply to Steven1

    Hi Steven1, it's good to hear from you.

    So is your wife willing to find a therapist that she can talk to? I am no doctor but it sounds to me like she is having trouble making a move on this, it all seems too hard for her to change how she feels. You can tell her that it will take some changes, some small doable steps and she will come to feel better about this and hopefully stay on a path of recovery.

    A therapist can help you both to break this cycle, of going around in circles. It takes two to make it work, there will be ups and downs but you both have roles to play in recovery. I'll be honest, my wife does seek help for her issues with intimacy some times, but it nearly always takes a heated debate to make it happen. She would rather this problem go away, but then she feels guilt for not being intimate. It just has to be worked on and I try and foster compassion for her condition, if she tore a ligament I wouldn't make her go for run would I?? I try and take the middle road with my response to no sex, yes it would be lovely but I am not going to turn inside out if I don't get any, I won't let my whole life revolve around it.

    I hope you can calmly communicate with her about each others situation, she might be feeling a bit different to what you think. I found that talking in way that suggested that the relationship was shakey was detrimental to building trust and in the longer term, intimacy. By the way in the past I have decided to not have sex, say for a month. Under no circumstances are you to have sex in the next month (yeah funny I know right), you can be intimate all you want, but no sex, forget about it, for a month. How you value your self does not have to be determined by how much sex/intimacy you have. It would be nice to be desired of course but it is partly out of our control so it helps me to practice a kind of disconnection from it. 

    Jack

  15. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    12 August 2015 in reply to Steven1

    Oh gosh that is so sad to hear.  I had read your earlier posts and pondered in the quiet.  I have been like your wife due to some nasty contraceptive implant.    The whole idea behind it was very attractive (no periods or risk of pregnancy ) but it annihilated all my desire not just for my partner but for all men included which is so unlike me.  I felt nothing and felt borderline psychotic all the while my poor partner started his obsession over his penis size which got on my nerves really badly.

    For almost two years we hardly had sex and when we did I did it only to please him.

    In the end I said to him to please himself . It was diplomatic thinking. I could not expect my man to live sexless life.  It is depressing and not healthy. So I told him if he absolutely requires sex for relief then to please have the decency to pay for it & come home to me.   We have a business & children and he works hard.  Sex/flirtations comes and goes but love & security is paramount. I love him & I'm pretty laid back.  As long as his heart is for me...

    Anyway I had the implant removed & I'm back to myself again more or less.  We still have arguments over petty things and send each-other to hell but at the end of day we still sit down together by candlelight and preen/massage at least 3 times a week. My partner is not much for words but he loves the touch. 

    Maybe try massage Steven?   entice your woman into bedroom with a jar of virgin coconut oil. Light the candle. tell her you want nothing more than for her to just lay back and enjoy it & butter her up slowly.  Or watch adult movie together and do massage after. Hopefully it's just a hormonal thing - I too had lost my mojo after baby.  Still I never stopped loving him.    Have hope

    You are in my thoughts - good luck :)

     

     

  16. Steven1
    Steven1 avatar
    65 posts
    13 August 2015 in reply to Simona

    Thanks simona and Jacko for your comments and support. Much appreciated.

    Was great to get a female perspective again too. Your post really got me thinking Simona. I am hoping that a lot of what my wife is experiencing is hormonal too. But I also understand a lot of it is about being physically and mentally exhausted by looking after the kids. 

    We are still really struggling with communication. My wife could tell I was feeling pretty low yesterday but I just couldn't express myself so I just said I'm fine. I didn't have the energy to talk about everything again and it wasn't the right time with our 3 year old constantly interrupting us. She eventually got it out of me that everything isn't fine but when I told her I was worried about us drifting apart and not being close anymore she said nothing and changed the subject. At the time we were out walking with our two young sons. Usually females communicate a lot better than us guys but not my wife. She isn't much of a talker. That is what I am finding so difficult.

    The massage and candles is a great idea and I must try that. I just don't want her to think I'm just trying to butter her up for sex. She always thinks that if I try something romantic I must be doing it for sex. 

    Because I have been rejected and turned down so many times I don't tend to initiate anything anymore. I have started neglecting the relationship because I have felt unloved which I know is feeding the whole thing because now she probably feels that way too. 

    My next step is trying to communicate again when we get some alone time. It's impossible with the kids around. Thanks again everyone

  17. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    14 August 2015 in reply to Steven1

    Hello again  :)

    I'm happy you found something positive to subtract from my 1st post because i kind of cringed after i posted it. I was trying to offer advice based on personal experiences that worked for me and gosh, yes i fully understand your wife being exhausted and probably over-sensitized from all the contact with your babies all day.  Also if she is breastfeeding...that is mojo killer for many women because of the high levels of the hormone prolactin.

    I feel you really ought to do something for yourself* - easier said than done i understand but...amidst cautiously trying to resurrect the intimacy, brainstorming and doubting ...don't lose sight of yourself Steven . If you do - you may just end up consumed by resentment.  Shift your focus a little and find something for yourself no matter how small - do something that makes you feel good even if it is only for 10 minutes and SMILE.   Find an outlet for your frustrations.  A distraction.  Look after yourself . 

     

     

  18. sydmum
    sydmum avatar
    1 posts
    14 August 2015 in reply to Steven1

    Hello Steven1,

    i cqn relate here. My partner and I split up due to this issue (no form of any intimacy what so ever), it finally took its toll when I asked for a break. During this time I pondering on my own self worth and attarativeness ect. I found out within 2 weeks my partner had moved on, (so it wasn't me at all). The hardest thing was explaining it to our daughter. Time went on and within 6 months he was asking to come back home to me and the kids. I had my doubts as I had felt very very rejected and unloved. Within another 7 months he showed me he cared and wanted me back, buying me gifts, telling me how special and lived I was. I eventually said yes and it was good for 2 weeks. 4weeks later we are in the same distant boat. I'm confused and hurt. I have discussed, cried and yelled my feelings to my partner only to have him shrug me off. I am at the point where I deserve better. I have told him I love him though I can't handle a "loveless" relationship anymore it's killing me! I am a 34 yr old "somewhat attractive" woman with needs too. I try and show my interest only to have me shut down and left alone. 

    My advice is try to get through to ur wife. From my "own" experience it's not worth feeling this alone and isolated even after numerous talks, discussions and fights. 

    Oh btw, when my partner left me for another woman he went abouve and beyond to show her he was "interested" in a sex life with her. Sometimes love isn't enough to keep a relationship together and this is defiantly something I do NOT want my children growing up thinking it's ok to have in a relationship. It takes two people to work and keep it, if it's only one sided it's time to move on. Sorry I am going from my own personal experience and this is my end result. I have a lot of love to offer though the person I'm trying to reach is intractable. Council long did not work either for us 

    I do hope for u and ur wife u can get back on track and both feel loved and appreciated. God bless u xoxoxo 

  19. Pilot45
    Pilot45 avatar
    1 posts
    20 August 2015 in reply to Sparkz

    Hi Sparkz  

    Your comments really resonated with me. I am going through a similar problem with my wife. I have had no sex for 6 months and my wife has absolutely 0 interest in sex or affection. Yep we are busy, we have kids, she is tired, I’m tired. I would have sex in a heartbeat if she wanted it but I have essentially given up asking her. The number of times I have been rejected or she simply goes to sleep when propositioned is starting to sting.

     We don't even sleep in the same room anymore. I either sleep on the couch or in one of the kids rooms. I think she prefers it that way. I am very certain that she is just simply disconnected from me and is not aroused in any way. I think our problems are deep and I know we are in a huge hole. I have raised this with her and have tried to organize counseling but she is so disconnected I don't think she cares anymore.

    I travel for work a lot and expect my bags to be packed and outside when I return one work trip. I feel the best analogy to describe us is that this relationship is a plane and the engines have cut out.. We are just waiting for the crash now.

    Yep, feeling pretty low at the moment. Not sure what to do. 

  20. Nickname_AA33C937-CA71-4272-A4BB-523BC5D8C75F
    Nickname_AA33C937-CA71-4272-A4BB-523BC5D8C75F avatar
    1 posts
    8 September 2015
    U try another i think .. Relationships are constant work - at least in my experience. You at least need to talk about what you've said here.And at time without distraction or when she is tired. Creating such a time can be hard enough
  21. Brother of Love
    Brother of Love avatar
    1 posts
    19 November 2015 in reply to Steven1

    Hey Steven 1,

    Sounds like what you've been trying hasn't been working. Therefore you have to try something different or else you will keep getting the same results. You need to change your focus. Try focusing less on the problem...when you focus on "the problem", the problem only gets bigger. You need to focus on the solution.  

    The universe brought you 2 together then gave you 2 amazing children. It's your duty to work at this and make it work. 

     

  22. Steven1
    Steven1 avatar
    65 posts
    7 December 2015 in reply to Brother of Love

    Hello everyone. It has been quite a while since I posted here. I would love to be telling you that my wife and I now have an amazing sex life and things have sorted themselves out but that is not the case. 

    Yesterday we were having a nice cuddle in bed in the afternoon and the kids were asleep. I touched my wife and her response was "what are you doing?" That made me feel humiliated and hurt. I don't know how it has come to this.

  23. Simona
    Simona avatar
    1043 posts
    7 December 2015 in reply to Steven1

    hello steven  : ) maybe she just couldn't switch off mummy mode and was  worried about being interrupted/sprung.    or maybe she was just plain tired and happy to lie back in your embrace because I know how much I loved those lazy afternoon siestas when I felt sapped dry. I was just happy to lie there and not move   

    parenthood changes people - it can bring out our very best and our very worst and those first couple of teething years are the hardest.  it can certainly be testing and all the emotions that go with it - not easy to switch off.   sorry to hear you are still frustrated and hurting but you WERE cuddling in the marital bed and that makes me think that you two are still capable of closeness and that there is love  : )

     

     

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Jacko777
    Valued Contributor
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    Jacko777 avatar
    781 posts
    8 December 2015 in reply to Simona

    Hi Steven1,

    Maybe one day you will be telling us about your amazing sex life, not too much detail, and when it happens I will know it's because YOU persisted. I understand you feel hurt, I really do. However, you have to remind yourself that this rejection is a reflection of your wife, not you. If she has a challenge with intimacy then you are allowed to communicate about it, work together to find a course of recovery, try to drop the emotion out for a while...this is not about you, this is about your wife's inability to be close to you and she deserves compassion. 

    Jack

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Steven1
    Steven1 avatar
    65 posts
    8 December 2015 in reply to Jacko777
    Thanks very much simona and Jacko your comments are very helpful. I know I am over sensitive and get carried away with this. I have to stop because I am getting myself all worked up and depressed when I just need to 're focus and be supportive. Sorry for all my complaining! I struggle with balanced thinking. 
  26. sye
    sye avatar
    8 posts
    12 December 2015

    Steven, I didn't know I had a twin. You're not alone mate. I have tried and tried and discussed and tried and discussed and counselled and am at wits end. I have resigned myself to a sexless marriage. I love my wife more than anything in the world and, I have a fantastic relationship, but, the sex aspect is a non event. I dont initiate sex any more as I get rejected and it hurts me to my core. I sometimes get teased and she tells me we will be intimate and touches me and then it comes to the end of the day and she is too tired, sick, unwell, the road is too black etc.

    I am not perfect either, i suffer terribly from depression and have unsuccessfully attempted suicide so my medication doesn't help with my ability to sustain, however, my drive is still there and is getting stronger as i get older.

    Unfortunately she is terribly insecure as well, is OCD and is terrified I will leave her. I love her so much though. Each time she rings me up if I don't say I love you when I hang up she will call back to check. We used to have amazing sex when we were younger, but, in later years its just disappeared (I swear its that wedding cake).

    As her parents are not really a great example she has learnt from them, i don't reckon her father has had sex in probably 20 years. Myself I will stay in my relationship till my children are older in the hope I can find someone in later days or that maybe my sex drive has disappeared. Either that or I will be successful when I try again. Or go and live on my own with cats.

    Sincerely, I hope it gets better for you. I gave up. I cannot handle the rejection any more, hurts too much, so I try to avoid the drive and keep myself busy.

     

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Steven1
    Steven1 avatar
    65 posts
    14 December 2015 in reply to sye

    Hello sye. I am really sorry to hear about your situation. Thanks very much for sharing with me. Just wondering if you have children and if so was that when your sex life changed? 

    Our sex life has never been the same since we had the kids. I also felt used by my wife because when we were trying to have a baby she was more than happy to have intercourse but once she conceived then it disappeared again. 

    I have had a vasectomy a few months ago as we decided no more children. I thought maybe not having to worry about contraception might help things a bit but it has made no difference.

  28. sye
    sye avatar
    8 posts
    14 December 2015 in reply to Steven1

    just know that you are not alone mate. us guys joke about it to cover up the hurt, but, it still remains. yep, sure do have kids, but its not that either, it was there well before then. should have known better, nothing like life experience hey and 20/20.

    yep also vasectomised as well. didn't help a bit in my case either. 

    you know i think in all this she is stressed beyond belief, i don't appreciate it because my stresses are out there in my world where her stresses are within 4 walls. but how much can you help someone - a person wants to have to help themselves and if they don't recognise it as a problem they won't do shit. 

    sure we discuss it and it might be ok for a week or two then its back to the same. if only i could get rid of the urge then things would be fine, like turn it off. then no problems.

    surely there has to be a better way. part of me has given up on the whole idea though and is just paving the road to misery, ie: nothing more than an ATM, go to work to fund other peoples party.

  29. Apollo Black
    Apollo Black avatar
    401 posts
    17 December 2015 in reply to sye

    Hi everyone  

    I'm in another sexless marriage. It's not just that though, it's any intimacy. It's what helps you run. It helps you get through the day. It's a compliment, the random hand on the shoulder, a cheeky grin, and of course sexual intimacy (of any kind). Like everyone, I don't have the answer. I just keep looking

    We have a 4 year old. Intimacy ceased at pregnancy. My wife had severe post natal depression, we both had it I helped as best I could. Things are better now in that regard but they're not the same I don't expect it to be. I do know that somehow we need to adapt together and not separately.

     We had sex a few times after 2 years of abstinence but it's been off totally for around 8 months now. She gets angry when I bring it up. Counseling (individually) hasn't helped. I suppose I'm weak because I don't like conflict but when you're afraid of a violent emotional response, then you tend to avoid bringing it up too often. Even talking around intimacy leads to the same place. I have made it pretty clear that's it's not just sex, it's about all the other intimate things I mentioned above so I am trying to communicate. I've asked what I can do for her and what her needs are - but the response is that it's just her. She doesn't feel like it at all. Hormone imbalance is definitely an issue, but medically there's nothing that can be done. 

    I read "The 5 Love Languages". I'm trying to speak my wife's language and go outside my comfort zone. I'm going to comitt to it for 6 months, If I can. Problem is, it's a viscous circle. You think you try, you lose hope, you get depressed, you get frustrated, you get angry and you stop trying. So you start again and on and on it goes.    

    There are so many posts I can relate to here. I didn't know where to start, but I really wanted to contribute. I feel for you guys and the poor lady whose partner left and wanted to come back but it wasn't right and she feels lost. I just want to be happy. I want my wife to be happy and I want our child to grow up happy with two happy parents. I don't want him to have divorced parents. So I'm going to give my all, if I can.  

    I registered after seeing some comments about vasectomy, as I'm at the point of "what more can I do? Is it because she's afraid of getting pregnant? I'll have a vasectomy". - You know what, I don't think it will make a difference. 

     I'm sorry this wasn't an answer Steve.  It's another story just like yours. Hang in there man you're not alone. 

    3 people found this helpful
  30. Jacko777
    Valued Contributor
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    Jacko777 avatar
    781 posts
    17 December 2015 in reply to Apollo Black

    Welcome to the forums Sye & Apollo Black. I am sorry we all have to face this challenge and I am so glad you fellas talk openly about this and have taken the time to share...and care, thanks so much for your contribution and I hope for better days for all of you.

    We all have the same problem but I bet the causes are quite different. The thing for me that I CAN control, is my self and my response to this situation. It helps me to control my reactions, be aware of why I react the way I do. I try to reduce my emotion surrounding rejection and lack of intimacy, of course I am concerned that I do not receive the intimacy I desire but if I am overly emotional in my reaction then I think I have lost on two fronts.

    So it is in my best interest to conserve my energy, energy I need to perform in the positive parts of my life. It takes practice and yep, I still get pretty damn sad and confused some times. I try to be aware of my choices, I always have a choice, I can stay in my relationship and calmly (!) try to work on the challenge, or I can leave and perhaps I will find that intimacy some where else. So I am aware I am making a choice, I live it. I won't let this one part of my life take over everything, there is more to me and my relationship than just this one issue.

    I try to be true to my self...it's not easy. I avoid being intimate myself some times because I don't like rejection, but that aint' right! Sure enough she says 'you're not intimate either'. (face palm) 

    It has helped me to reassign values in intimacy. I see how difficult it can be for my partner to partake in certain forms of intimacy, that she tries at all is amazing and shows how much she wants to make things right. We can work out from the best bits, nurture what we have, give love often and live in the moment, we have the opportunity in every moment to try and move forward. 

    Jack

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