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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Not in a good space

Topic: Not in a good space

  1. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    17 December 2019 in reply to blondguy

    Paul you never ramble lol. You're such a positive uplifting force on the forums. I hope your sister is able to get some help, though, yes, the first step is acknowledgement.

    I'm in a rough patch on my journey and there is comfort in knowing that you understand. For now, I just need to sit with it.

    Thanks for being here, Katy

  2. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    17 December 2019 in reply to Purple4

    Deb, thanks for saying so, and right back at you xx

    Katy

  3. iamanxiety
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    17 December 2019 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    I have seen you have been busy on the forum, it's good to see you sharing with others.

    is there any improvement on your end,I'm hoping it's a yes but here to listen either way.

    Andrew
  4. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    9 January 2020
    Dunno if anyone is listening but need to share as I have no-one to talk to IRL. So... my partner came back. Said he wanted to treat me nicely. Said let's try for another baby. Said he wanted us to grow old together. That really didn't last very long, and he broke up with me again. Stating again, it was my anxiety. But this time also making me feel bad that he'd given up his other relationship to get back with me. I shouldn't have taken him back, no, but I did, and it hurts. Hurts that he said things he didn't mean. Hurts that he has feelings for someone else. Hurts that he didn't try harder, and again, made me feel less than, because I have a mental illness. It's like he thinks I've chosen this. I don't know why anyone would. I feel sad, useless and dumb :(
  5. iamanxiety
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    11 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    I was just thinking about you actually. it sounds like you have just gone through an emotional roller coaster. I can imagine how tough it all must feel like going through this again.

    I have a feeling your ex has his own issues. he left the relationship and now came back. he must be conflicted with his original decision. he has some feeling for someone else but still feelings for you.

    have you made any decisions about your relationship with him. if you decided you are done with him you could concentrate all your effort in yourself and beginning to heal.

    I can only imagine this recent even has sent you backwards mentally.

    wishing all the best

    Andrew
  6. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    12 January 2020 in reply to iamanxiety

    Hi Andrew

    Yeah, I thought I was done. I'd just started to feel better and along he came and rained on my parade. Although, obviously I have to accept responsibility for my part in that. Given that the final words he wanted to share with me, were his regrets about giving up his other relationship, I am fully done now. What a shitty thing to say, in my opinion.

    Yes, back to working on me and my journey to wellness. Speaking of... you've been missed around here. How are things with you?

    Katy

  7. iamanxiety
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    12 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    that's a good thing to hear you have made a decision about the relationship. indisnisivness would have made all this much harder in my opinion, now you can focus on you and have a clear goal.

    I've been through a roller coaster myself. my MI just keeps evolving from severe anxiety to not caring. I must admit I am not at the point I was a few months ago where I was thinking about ending it all.

    it's funny but I like seeing you on the forum, it feels like jumping into an old friend. pity it is under these circumstances.

    keep us posted on your journey.

    Andrew
  8. blondguy
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    12 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy

    Im sorry for you have been going through....as if you would 'choose' to have this awful condition....grr

    iamanxiety is spot on he mentioned 'I have a feeling your ex has his own issues' From what you have posted Andrew is spot on. I dont blame you for being human and feeling sad. I remembered when you started to post with us...There is nothing dumb or useless about you at all Katy. You are a strong and independent person!

    I posted a reply to you on the other thread about GP assistance on the 11th re physical symptoms of anxiety

    my kind thoughts always Katy

    Paul

  9. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    13 January 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul

    Thanks so much for your support here and your kind words. It is very much appreciated. And thanks also for highlighting your reply on the other thread which I'd missed.

    Katy

  10. smallwolf
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    13 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Sad to read about what your partner said to you.

    We know you did not choose a mental illness - like we wanted to happen! *sarcasm*

    I do not think any of it was your fault either. It was his actions and decisions - breaking up with his other partner, then asking you. You had no part in making him do those things. I also know that words hurt!

    I could tell you a story about what my psychiatrist told me once but might leave that for another time.

    Until then, sleep well and I will try to chat with you tomorrow.

    Tim

  11. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    13 January 2020 in reply to smallwolf
    I'm feeling really low tonight, so I appreciate reading this. Thankyou Tim
  12. OceanWhispers
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    13 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Sending you big hugs Katy xo
  13. Croix
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    13 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Dear Katy~

    I've gone to a fair number of threads recently and seen the for sale sign, I've learned this marks a post with empathy and common sense.

    Your ex BF has injured you -with malice - and like so many of us we blame ourselves for being injured.

    So I'll go along with your feeling sad, to have one's hopes dashed in that particular way is a cause for grief, natural, but not down to you. The right words casually said to someone who is vulnerable for them is cruel.

    Turning round and blaming you -"I left xxxx for you" is a typical way of getting out of responsibility -and control.

    The usual crap about 'old together, a baby to have together', etc are words to entice and control too.

    Then the appeal stops, control has been established so on to the next unfortunate person, with as I say a twist to make it your responsibility.

    Having an anxiety condition is not a bar to deep and joyous relationships. I've PTSD, bouts of depression and constant anxiety, yet I married 20+ years ago, I did not even have a job, and we are still together, still in love. My partner supports me, gives me perspective, and I think I support her too.

    If we are going to talk dumb, it is he who qualifies, not you. Throwing away a rich and loving relationship, unable to participate. If it was not for the cruelty I'd feel sorry for him

    Useless? We've covered that, your posts are anything but useless, they really do help others, and that is not confined to those you are posting to, but the vast majority you never know are there (except by web stats) as they read but do not post.

    What can you do? I don't know specificaly, but try for something each day you can look forward to and enjoy. I use books, different half-read books for different situations, all remove me from the now and its hassles and hurts.

    So suggestions?

    You are valued and respected here, and I suspect that can be/is the case in the outside world

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  14. iamanxiety
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    14 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    how are you doing. I've had some trouble posting but wanted to check on how you are

    Andrew
  15. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    14 January 2020 in reply to OceanWhispers
    Thankyou! x
  16. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    14 January 2020 in reply to Croix

    Croix

    I truly appreciate the time you took to reply to me. I'm so happy to hear you consider it possible to be in a loving relationship even with mental health issues, and that you're proof of that. I always thought if I was loved and supported in the right way, that things would be ok.

    Thanks very much for your kind words. I feel blessed to be part of such a great supportive community.

    Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    14 January 2020 in reply to iamanxiety

    Hi Andrew

    Yes, I seem to have missed your post on the 12th, sorry about that, not sure what happened. Always good to hear from you too :)

    What a bummer that things are a bit up and down for you, although great that you're still better than before. Are you trying anything new? I'm annoyed that I wasted my last psych appointment talking about how to improve my relationship with my man, when the trying was all one-sided. Now I have another 6 week wait to see her again *sigh*

    Well it's been a week since I got dumped again, and I saw my ex for the first time today, just driving past. But it didn't make my heart race with emotion, and I didn't wonder where he was going or what he was doing, so I feel like that's a good sign. I mean, I'm still pretty fragile and I hit quite a low yesterday, but I'm hopeful I can start focusing on me, not him and the hurt he caused.

    Thanks for your care and support, Katy

  18. iamanxiety
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    14 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    that is a good sign that you copped with it well. I remember similer situations where my mind would get the better of me and get a lot of intrusive thoughts.

    so far I'm trying to force myself to do things I don't want to do. such as training and eating well ,also limiting contact with relationships that aren't positive. slowly trying to build myself back up.

    all the best
    Andrew
  19. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    14 January 2020 in reply to iamanxiety

    Hey Andrew

    Yes, my mind often gets the better of me. It's definitely something I'm working on. Yoga helps with that.

    I think the steps you're taking all sound very sensible. I really hope they keep you on track. Stay in touch hey? :)

    Katy

  20. smallwolf
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    14 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    I know what you mean when you say your mind gets the better of you. And of course will try to keep in touch. we all need each other sometimes.
    1 person found this helpful
  21. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    15 January 2020
    and today I hate myself and want to climb in the bin. not really ok right now
  22. OceanWhispers
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    15 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Not very helpful but I feel the same and would join you in the bin. Sending huge hugs xx
  23. iamanxiety
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    15 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    hey Katy,

    what's going on. anything happen to make you feel like this or just one if those nights that things just way on you.

    I'll keep checking the forum for your reply
  24. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    17 January 2020
    Thanks guys. Guess i"m still on the rollercoaster. I think i'm going ok and next minute we're in freefall. Sigh...
  25. iamanxiety
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    17 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    it's tough when your doing well then suddenly go backwards. I guess I'm the same ,deppresion and anxiety are always lurking but as I get better it takes more for them to take over and I deal with them better .

    what are you filling most of your days with. is there anything to break up the roller coaster
  26. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    17 January 2020 in reply to iamanxiety

    On rubbish days I lack the motivation to do much at all, which isn't helping. I've been pushing myself to go to yoga twice a week, and I enjoy it while I'm there. But apart from that it's a slog to put one foot in front the other. I'm sure doing nothing isn't helpful either.

    Always happy to hear you are keeping up momentum though. It makes me feel hopeful!

  27. iamanxiety
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    17 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    I feel you. i dont want to do anything or see anyone but I know this will slow recovery and make things worse.

    I need to force myself out and am trying to create a routine. it does help but it's tought to do.

    I still get bad morning anxiety which makes it hard to start the day.

    hope you can push through

    Andrew
  28. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    18 January 2020 in reply to iamanxiety

    Hey Andrew

    Thanks for your support, again :) You're absolutely right. We just have to keep forcing ourselves to do what we need to do, when we're able of course.

    I wonder if you could try a 5 minute morning meditation?

    Katy

  29. iamanxiety
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    18 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    that's a good idea but I think my mind is racing to much to calm it down ,I guess that's what the meditation is for lol. I will probably need to try it later in the day to get good at it first. I found getting up straight away ,shower and shave then run errands usually works. if I stay home and mope it can go for hours .

    I guess physical activity,structure and distraction work, sometimes it's hard to do it even this I know it will work.

    hope you find what works for you. try everything I guess

    Andrew
  30. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    20 January 2020 in reply to iamanxiety

    I just cannot keep my shit together at the moment. Just keep falling in the depression pit.

    I wish I could see my therapist more than six weekly. I'm really struggling to hold it together :( I'm so tired

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