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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Not in a good space

Topic: Not in a good space

  1. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    11081 posts
    20 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Dear Katy~

    I'm sure by now you know the standard answers to someone when their depression is worse, so I'll not insult you by repeating them

    Length of time between visits -and a far too limited number anyway on a MH plan are very common problems many face.

    One thing you may not have considered (my apologies if you have) is the Mindspot Clinic, a government backed facility:

    https://mindspot.org.au/

    which assesses (and provides a report for your GP to see if you want) and then offers free self-paced courses (with homework) under the supervision of qualified therapists. You can even talk with or email them as you do a course. While they are limited into talking about the course nevertheless they can be very helpful. Can I suggest you have a read though their site and see if there is anything that might fill the gaps?

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    20 January 2020

    Hi Katy,

    I was felling pretty low tonight and was thumbing through the posts to see if there were any suggestions to lift my mood. I'm so very sorry to hear of your losses. I too often wake up in the morning and wonder what I really have to contribute to society and life in general. It's so very difficult to deal with sadness and loss, and a feeling of guilt like I do on a daily basis, but somehow I try and find a way to get through the day. Sometime it works, more often than not it doesn't. My counsellor is great, and after an hour's session with him I feel reasonably good. Then I have the cold hard reality that it's probably another few weeks of dealing with my depression and anxiety on my own so before too long I hit rock bottom.

    I try to manage my dark moods (and believe me they get pretty dark), with daily walks along with some occasional voluntary work. It lifts me that I can contribute back into the community. The walks sometimes clear my mind.

    Anyway, sorry for my ramble, but I thought I'd comment on this forum and say that you're not alone. It lifts me that there's so many understanding people here. Over the past few months following my mental illness being at its worst, I've discovered who are and aren't my friends. I've been accused of playing the sympathy card and looking for people to feel sorry for me, but while it's broken my heart to do so, I need to move on from those sorts of people.

    Take care and hugs from me.

  3. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    21 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    is there anything you can do in the meantime to get you through.

    it's frustrating when you want some relief emediadtley and need to wait for appointments .

    can you try a helpline or call to see if any appointments are available sooner.

    hope some others have some better advise

    Andrew
  4. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    22 January 2020

    croix - thankyou so much, something for the in-between spaces is just what I need.

    Junior412 - sorry you're also struggling :( But a message of support is never a ramble. I appreciate knowing that someone out there understands what I'm feeling, and I could really go a hug - so thanks so much.

    Andrew - you've been such a great support to me, thankyou. Hope you're doing ok.

  5. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    22 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    Hope all is well with you. Thanks for your reply - yes we have our bad days, but if we can all help each other in some way in this forum well then its a bonus. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, everyones story is different but at the end of the day we all seek support and comfort, and even if its a simple "hi" or "hang in there," then it goes a long way to helping. I see my psychologist on an infrequent basis as he's close to retirement, but he's always said to me that his door is always open if I need him.

    I'm unsure if you have friends you confide in, or a local support group that can help you cope with your maternal loss and relationship breakdown, but I can see you have some good people here who are keen to listen and help - I'm here if you wish to unload as well. No one should ever have to be alone in fighting their mental battles. Hearing others stories here has made me realise that I'm not in this alone, there's plenty of others suffering the same problems as you and me. If we can all help each other here through talking, it's beneficial for everyone.

    Keep well, and more hugs here if you need a top up.

    Simon

  6. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    23 January 2020 in reply to Junior412

    Hi Simon,

    Thanks for more hugs - always welcome! No, I don't have anyone (literally) to seek support from, so these forums have been much needed during this time. I do have my gp and psychologist, but that's a different kind of support and requires appointments. Hopefully you get what I mean there. It's definitely nice to have people here with lived experience, to share and lend support.

    I keep thinking when enough time has passed I'll be ok with what I've been through. I'm not too sure if that's the case, but I'm hopeful.

    I did do a search to see if you had put a post up that I could support you on, but I couldn't find anything, so I'm sorry if you have and I've missed it. I'm happy to listen and be here for you too if there's anything you do want to share. Hope today is a good day for you. Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    23 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    Hope you’re having a good day. I struggled a bit last night and only fell asleep from 6am for a couple of hours, so battling a bit today - I’ll survive.

    To answer your query, no I didn’t have my own post on these forums. I had a bad day the other day and decided to browse through forums looking for help. I never thought I’d end up being the one offering advice or help others, but as you said if we can help each other here it can only be a positive. Exchanging our battles can help us feel better by offering support. Professional support can only offer so much, and as I walk out of the appointment I feel very alone again.

    You’re probably right in what you said, maybe time will heal what we go through, for you I’m guessing things are understandably raw on both fronts. I’m glad you replied to me when I initially wrote, it’s lifted my mood somewhat that other people go though the same daily battles, despite our situations being different.

    Although I’m not an expert on helping people in this capacity, I hope I can continue to support and assist you as you try to heal.

    More hugs,

    Simon

  8. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    23 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    I know what you mean when you say hopefully enough time will go past and you will be ok with what has happened. in part this is true. I used to live by time heals all and in most cases it does or it lessons the blow.

    in my many years of dealing with deppresion I'm of the opinion we need to actively heal ourselves. I can see you are actively taking some steps to improve such as seeing a counselor.

    fit in as much as you can handle and hopefully you will reap the benefits.

    I'm coming out of my second major depressive episode and am constantly learning new coping skills. for me waiting to get better doesn't work ,I need to actively make it better.

    hope I made sense .

    all the best Andrew. oh and hugs I know you like them lol
  9. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    23 January 2020

    Hi Katy and everyone else here who commented. Nice to talk to you again.

    I'm sorry that you and others here are feeling so down, lost and struggling. I know how you all feel. And I'm sorry that you didn't find Suicide Call Back Service helpful. With mental health, professionals and websites like that, it's different for everyone and I suppose it varies with who you talk to, the time and day and whatnot.

    That's like me with eHeadspace - every time I go on there they've never treated me with respect, they've always been rude. It was even worse when I went to my local Headspace Centre for a group (I don't even know what that was for, I got nothing out of it) and to see a Psychologist (that was all free through a Mental Health Care Plan). The manager, Psychologist and group members all made fun of my mental illnesses, so that was traumatic for me and still is. I made a complaint and the manager lost her job, thank goodness.

    I told my Psychiatrist this and all of the other stuff about how badly I've been treated by so called mental health "professionals", and he's disgusted in all of it, as am I, and my parents. My Psychiatrist seems to feel sorry for me. But I'm so thankful I found him, truly.

    I also called the local triage yesterday as my Psychiatrist and I discussed this could be an option, and I politely asked them over the phone if I could come in and get some support somehow. The guy on the phone there didn't say his name but he was so rude, refused to speak to me and help me, I don't know why. I felt so discriminated against with how I've been treated and still do, the same applies for how I can't study, work, join groups to meet people, nothing.

    So I'm struggling a lot. I've done everything I can, that's one reason I thought I'd sign up for these forums, because I chat on the web chat with Beyond Blue and Lifeline a bit, especially lately.

    Once again I'm sorry that you're struggling, and I hope that things improve for you and you can get support here and from professionals and websites like Lifeline if you're interested in any of that.

    Please take care and I hope that you're okay, I'll try and do my best to try and help in any way that I can, the same with everyone on these forums and everyone who commented.

    Much love and hugs, take care x

    PS - I posted another forum post, it should be in "Treatment and Professionals". It's nothing bad just some general questions, please check it out and reply if you can, although I'm not forcing you, sorry

    Tayla xo

  10. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    23 January 2020 in reply to Junior412

    Hi Simon - hope you've managed somewhat ok on very little sleep. I have insomnia most nights. I manage to fall asleep ok and then wake up and lie around for hours. It's awful hey? But I'm glad you're here on the forums. None of us are experts but there's certainly comfort in camaraderie.

    I'm counting down the days until I can see my psych again. I thought I was going ok with the whole ex thing, and had accepted things as they are and then my brain decides to replay every conversation we ever had and examine everything he ever said. It's gross, hurtful and pointless, but I feel like I've got no control over it. It just rambles on and on... So I'm trying to decide whether to ask for an earlier appointment or just let time pass.

    Anyway, hugs back at ya, thanks for being here :) Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    23 January 2020 in reply to iamanxiety

    Hi Andrew - yes I do like hugs lol, so thankyou :)

    And I agree with what you've said. I think with time, the pain I still feel over my losses will lessen naturally. But I'll still have poor mental health, and that's where I need to do the work. I need to keep doing the things that help, even when I don't want to, and I haven't been doing that. I skipped yoga the other night to stay in bed and eat cheezels, which doesn't help anything. I haven't even been walking my dog. So I do need to push myself as you're doing or I'll end up in a real hole again. Thanks for the reminder!

    Hugs to you (do you like hugs? lol). Katy

  12. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    23 January 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Tayla

    Lovely to see you joining in on the forum boards. It's been nice to see you chatting and supporting others when you're having a hard time. Thanks for commenting on my thread too. It's really nice to be able to be here for each other.

    Love and hugs right back, Katy

  13. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    23 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Thanks Katy, nice to see you joining here too, although you've probably been here for a while unlike me.

    It seems like a fun but friendly and supportive safe place so far here and I hope it stays that way in all of the threads. I'm glad it's moderated also.

    No worries at all for commenting on your thread. You seem lovely and I thank you for being nice to me and replying to me, I appreciate it and it means a lot.

    Thanks for your kind words. I've been trying to support myself and others the best I can and when I can. That's nice that you're doing the same also.

    Yes it has been nice to be there for each other, I hope we can help each other more on any of these BB Forum Threads, whatever they may be.

    If you have the time please comment on my thread I posted earlier if you haven't already, I'm so sorry to ask, I'm just curious about other people's answers, sorry that they're silly questions however.

    Hugs and love back to you once again xx

    Tayla xo

  14. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    23 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    Thanks for your hugs, although virtual are still much appreciated. A lot of blokes don't make mention that they like hugs, I'm not afraid to say that I do. Unfortunately few and far between these days. I must admit this forum really has helped lift my otherwise awful days, as we've mentioned before its uplifting to see us all support each other here with words of encouragement. All of a sudden to a certain extent I don't feel alone with everyones support. I'm glad to a limited extent that I along with others here can offer you some comfort.

    I hope you do get to see your psych sooner - it obviously helps you. If you don't succeed, we're all here for you to unload if you're struggling. I'm sure others here will agree,

    In regards to sleep, I am a shift worker and struggle at times to adjust to different times. I'm currently learning a new role and had to work night shift for the first time in 8 years. Like you when you're wide awake at night, my mind wanders in the dark of the room to the bad things of my past. Then I tend to scrutinise where I failed in life and wonder if I was really the cause of it all, and then the self blame game begins all over again. It's not pleasant. I've struggled with fatigue today, but buoyed by this forum thread and in particular your reply, as I no longer feel that I'm alone in my battle. Quite often as you've mentioned we feel we have no one, but I feel like I've made new friends who can brighten my dark days and I thank you all for that.

    Yes we have good days as time goes on and as your rawness heals, but we all fully understand here that there can be setbacks. Our brains do store bad memories and at times they can come back to haunt us. If you feel you need to unload we are always here for you.

    I'm unsure of where you are located in this big brown dry country, but I'm sure as well as psych help there may be specialists to help you with your maternal loss and help you cope, along with likeminded community support groups.

    You're not alone in striving to be happy.

    Have some more hugs.

    Simon

    PS Hi Andrew and Tayla, thanks for keeping Katy safe and being there for her.

    PPS A lazy night with cheezels rocks! Just need a good movie to watch while you're stuffing your face :-)

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    24 January 2020 in reply to Junior412

    Hi Simon

    Quick reply and hug from me. Hope today has been an ok one for you. Long day here (put on a happy face.. put on a happy face...) and I'm tired, have had a cry and need a cup of tea.

    Take care. Katy

  16. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    24 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy.

    By the sounds of things you didn't have a good day. Sometimes it's difficult to put on a smiley face when inside you're just not up to facing the day. Had a long day myself, learning this new position at work certainly is draining but rewarding at the same time, as I'm now in a supervisory role within the workplace helping out those less experienced. I'm tired as well, just arrived home and seen your message, so thought I'd drop a quick hi.

    Have an appointment with my psych tomorrow, hope it goes ok. With him close to retirement it will be difficult to find someone to start anew with, who's helped me as much as he did. I know there will be more tears tomorrow as more layers are peeled back but deep down I know it's for the better.

    Been thinking about what I can do to help you, it seems like I just waffle on when you're actually looking for someone to help you. I'll see what I can ask my psych tomorrow quickly to see what he suggests.

    What have you planned for the weekend? With my exercise routine which helps me both physically and mentally, I need to buy a new pair of runners. I hate shopping but will see what's on offer. Might buy some cheezels as well for tomorrow night!

    Take care and have another hug. Will be thinking of you and hope that you keep well.

    Simon

  17. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    25 January 2020 in reply to Junior412

    Hi Simon

    Apologies for my inadequate sooky post. Was really just drained. And yes, every day just seems hard at the moment and involves a fair bit of crying, but I guess that's just where I'm at. Please don't feel that you have to "do anything" to help me, company and care are really what I need at the moment. Just so I'm not alone here, because in real life I am very alone and that's a huge part of the problem.

    I hope your psych appointment goes well. I agree they are challenging. I always feel a sense of relief once I'm done at an appointment. Maybe your psych will be able to recommend someone for you? A sort of handover so you don't have to start from the beginning would be helpful. I've been with mine a decade now and I can't imagine not having her there for me.

    No plans here for the weekend, aside from watching more tennis. I skipped yoga again this morning, which is not good. I love it when I'm there but I find it hard to drag myself there which seems weird, knowing how much I like it. I dreamt I was running. Probably the codeine in my migraine pills. I'm not a runner at all. I've tried and I run out of breath and pass out. I'd love to run though as I've heard it's good for mental health.

    Well happy shopping (agreed, yuk!), and congrats on the new job role! Stay in touch, it's nice to have company.

    Hugs, Katy

  18. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    6286 posts
    25 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Walking can be good as well.

    As is spending time in nature. There is a botanical gardens near where I live. To walk on the grass, watch the wildlife!

    Do you go for anyone in the tennis?

    I watched some of the cricket last night, and the Federer match, and last episode of "The Witcher". I have to wait until next year for the next series :(

  19. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    25 January 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim :)

    I usually walk my dog a lot. My friend's mum said that bare feet in nature helps ground us. Botanic gardens sounds lovely.

    I'm a big Federer fan. The match last night was amazing! I do love a close game. I also like watching Nadal, Zverev and Djokovich, but I don't particularly enjoy the women's tennis. Be interesting to see who wins this year :)

    Well I told myself I wasn't going to be useless today. If I said that to my therapist she would ask me to clarify what useless means in this context. So I want today to do something that is helpful for my mental health. So I've got myself pretty and been to the shop. (There's something about being dumped that makes you feel ugly - is it just a chick thing?). And I'm going to work out how to write an affirmation so that I can put that into practice too. So 1 thing ticked off, and the other should be achievable.

    oooh and Rafa is about to start playing, so add in something just enjoyable to my day too. Do you cheer for anyone particular?

    Hope you're well Tim, thanks for popping by :)

    Katy

  20. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    25 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    Never any need to apologise. I never saw it as being "sooky." We all go through times feeling like you are right now, where you feel all hope is lost. Always keep in mind that I will be a source of company and support if you so wish. This is a two-way street, you have no idea how much communicating with you has cheered me up. Same here, I am very alone, but through these forums I feel there is a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.

    My psych appointment went well, each time I leave I am armed with more knowledge, and feel that my self-doubting questions are answered. He has agreed to see me away from his practice, so will be able to see hime for a while longer, and even if he does retire will ensure I will receive the best possible help. I'm glad that your long-serving psych helps you as well.

    In regards to my exercise, I don't run as such, I'm more of a Cliff Young than a Usain Bolt! There's nothing better than going for a walk with my favourite music on, or even just in peace and quiet. The shopping for shoes for exercise went well. I think I bought the right ones as they were fitted by a podiatrist.

    I'd better leave it there, thanks for getting back to me. Never think just because you're having a bad day, you can't stay in touch. My door is always open.

    Simon

  21. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    25 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi all,

    physical workouts really work it is some of the best medicine . I have always been an active person and it's amazing what a workout can do. I find any workout helps ,say a stroll or a good stretch but a work out that makes your heart pump and sweat really feels amazing. it is a shame getting myself to do it can be hard as my mental health tells me to do the opposite.

    it's not just a girl thing Katy lol. if I have a bad day where I get up and move straight to the lounge I look and feel awful. if I get up early shower shave and generally groom well I feel better. again my mind tells me who cares so I have to push through.

    Simon ,I would definatly ask your current pcsycoligist for a referral,he knows you and your needs so hopefully may help find a good fit for you.

    Andrew
  22. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    smallwolf avatar
    6286 posts
    25 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    My daughter (17) likes to do shopping therapy - does not have to buy anything but wander around the shops. A chick thing? Perhaps.

    On the tennis ... either Kyrios (spelling?) or Federer. One thing I cannot stand in the tennis is the grunting. So if the grunt while playing shots, I won't really go for them. Sorry Rafa.

    Do you celebrate wins? I cannot remember what I did but something had worked out so when I went to the shops I bought myself an ice coffee with ice cream. My little celebration.

  23. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    25 January 2020 in reply to smallwolf
    it's a nice feeling when you can take pleasure in little things ,like watching a tennis match . it sometimes is a struggle to get enjoyment in anything. sometimes the simple things work a treat.

    I just came back from Port Stevens. it was so good to just get some sun on the beach.

    Andrew
  24. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    25 January 2020 in reply to iamanxiety

    hey Andrew.

    you have the same first name as my Psychiatrist, ironic huh?

    I hope everyone's alright, I wasn't really sure what to comment back to everyone, sorry :(

    Tayla

  25. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    25 January 2020 in reply to Missing user
    Hi Tayla,

    that is my daughter's name lol.

    I'm ok , my symptoms usually get better as the day goes on. I can't work out why yet.

    hope your well,

    Andrew
    1 person found this helpful
  26. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    25 January 2020 in reply to iamanxiety

    Hey again Andrew, thanks for replying.

    Haha wow that is ironic, that's so cool!

    Sometimes my symptoms fluctuate. I can be happy then really depressed or the opposite in a matter of minutes, an hour, it depends. But I have Major Depressive Disorder amongst other things.

    I'm trying my best, I'll be OK. Thanks for your concern.

    I hope you're well too.

    Tayla

  27. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    25 January 2020

    Great Kyrgios match currently underway (no grunting).

    Simon, I had to google Cliff Young, but I'm glad I did. What a cool story. I'm happy to hear your therapist will continue seeing you and that you're finding it helpful. I find my therapist untangles things and makes sense of them for me. Perhaps it's the same for you? I think that's why I feel I need to go now. I haven't seen her since my partner broke up with me again, and I need to talk through how I feel about it.

    Andrew, I'm glad I made an effort to look nice today. It has done wonders for feeling good about myself, you're right :) And I agree about a good sweaty workout. I love to paddleboard until my arm muscles burn - when I can find the momentum to get myself there. Why is it we have so much trouble doing what's good for us? hmmm

    Tim, thanks for the reminder about rewarding ourselves. My therapist has mentioned this numerous times and I always forget to acknowledge when I've done well, or to reward myself.

    Tayla, thanks for being here. It sounds like you and Andrew have a connection there. It's ok too if you don't know what to say. It's nice to share our words and our space with others, even when we don't quite know what to say.

    Hope you're all doing ok. I'm feeling pretty ok today. There's been tears, but nice bits too. And I love that you've all been here to say hi. Hugs all round for those that want them. Kyrgios is two sets up, so back to the tennis for me. xxxx

  28. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    25 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hope everyone is having a good evening. I’m struggling a bit tonight. Might sleep it off and hopefully will start in the morning anew. Katy I hope you enjoyed the tennis, and everyone else here had a good day.
    Simon
  29. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    25 January 2020 in reply to Junior412

    Hey Simon

    Everything ok mate? Anything you want to talk about? Sending a giant squishy virtual hug.

    Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    26 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Katy,

    I’ll survive. Life goes on. Will sleep it off. Thanks for the virtual squishy hug.

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