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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Not in a good space

Topic: Not in a good space

  1. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    27 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    how did the dream affect you , was it vivid ,did the emotions carry on when you got up.

    I skipped the gym today but will definatly force myself tomorrow . my motivation is non existent but once I start training I actually enjoy it and the distraction. the good feelings carry on for the day.

    I really need to find a job, to much time on my hands is not healthy. distraction and routine can be really helpful if it's not to overwhelming

    hugs

    Andrew

  2. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    27 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Good morning lovely people,

    No subject here really, but just thought I’d wish everyone a great day, keep smiling and hold your heads high.

    We make a difference to each other, I’m glad to call you all my friends. Would be great to catch up one day and support each other in person.

    Hugs for everyone!

    Simon

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    27 January 2020

    hey everyone, I hope everybody's alright.

    Katy, I have PTSD myself. This is from being bullied my whole life online and in person, watching my Grandparents pass away, being mentally abused from a guy I've known since year 8 (2013 I think?) that I had a crush on and vice versa but never dated (long story). I have flashbacks and dreams, during the day and night. Then like in the movies, I wake up and think "was that real, is it real, is it going to happen, did it happen?" so in other words, lost from reality. I've been prescribed stuff for this but I haven't taken it because of a few reasons and my Psychiatrist said I can't take it with certain things, like my current meds, although I'll be switching at the start of Feb.

    I hope you're alright. We're here for you, I know how scary it is. You wake up like movies and TV shows and wake up screaming, sweating, crying and shaking. Well I do anyway, not so much screaming but in my dream maybe. I had this dream about my Nana (it was kind of a good dream) and I was crying in the dream then I woke up and was still crying so that was odd.

    Please take care Katy and everyone xxx

    Tayla xo

  4. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
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    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1676 posts
    28 January 2020
    More dreams. Woken up bummed out and looks like I have to try pick myself up again, so I don't go sneaking off down the very bad thoughts rabbit hole again. It's tiring...
  5. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    28 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    I'm sorry to hear that Katy.

    It is tiring, I understand with what I mentioned above.

    We're all here for you, please take care.

    Huge love and huge hugs.

    Tayla xxx

  6. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
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    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1676 posts
    28 January 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Awful isn't it Tayla? Sorry you've experienced the same.

    I'm still feeling low. Haven't managed to pick myself up very well today. I have yoga later, but I'm already wondering if I can force myself. Sigh...

    Hugs to anyone reading who wants/needs one. I could go one....

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    28 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hey Katy.

    Yeah it is awful, and thanks. Yoga sounds interesting, maybe one day I'll give that a go. You can do it at home right?

    I need a hug, every one else and you can have one too.

    Love and hugs as usual to you and everybody.

    Tayla xxx

  8. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    28 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    I know it's really hard but it's when you least want to do it that you need to do it.
    I know how hard it really is . it's easier to give advice than to take my own, lol

    Andrew
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    28 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi all,

    Katy, I'm sorry you're having flashbacks and sleepless nights accompanied by nightmares. I too have been diagnosed with PTSD. Before I did, I thought only soldiers at the battle front were diagnosed with it. My wonderful psych soon corrected me on that theory.

    One of the things I'm dealing with, is many years ago I was physically and verbally abused as a child by my father. For no reason he'd come home and bash the living suitcase out of me, and many times I'd bear the brunt to protect my little sister. When I left school and found work (which I still am working for the same employer many years later), his words when he pinned me down are still well and truly ingrained in my mind - "you'll always be a nobody." Every time I progress through the ranks in my job, I should feel proud of what I've achieved, but my mind still goes back to that moment he pinned me down on the floor and screamed out those words. I still smell his breath and see his eyes searing through me. So yes Katy and Tayla I well and truly hear what you say. That's what's also keeping me awake at night as well. The sweat and tossing and turning during the night and the headaches I wake up with are a constant legacy of my struggle that I feel I now share with you guys.

    I know it's hard to pick up from that, but as we've grown to know each other, hopefully we realise that we are a special group of people, who if we can't receive immediate professional help can come here for a source of comfort and healing. I can't reinforce enough of that importance. We are here for each other.

    Hugs to you all, if we ever met I think we'd hug so tight that we'd never let go. Like the rest of you I could really go one right now.

    Love and hugs to you all.

    Simon

    2 people found this helpful
  10. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    28 January 2020 in reply to Junior412

    Wow I'm so very sorry to hear that Simon.

    No one deserves that and I'm super sorry you went through that, aswell as many others, and that you and others are struggling on these forums.

    I wish I could help more, I feel bad. I'm sorry

    Tayla

  11. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    28 January 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Tayla,

    Never feel bad, and never feel sorry you "can't help more." As I've said in earlier posts you guys mean the world to me, I've finally found people who go through the same miserable daily grid as I do. You're a source of strength and happiness of which you'll never believe. I'm here for you as much as I know you're here for me.

    More hugs and kisses of support for you girl.

    Simon xx

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1676 posts
    28 January 2020 in reply to Junior412

    Simon and Tayla

    Thanks for sharing your stories here. It's very brave of you to share, and I hope in a way it's also cathartic. You're both carrying a lot and your pain is understandable. I hope eventually we all find the peace we're looking for in our lives. But you're absolutely right, for now, it's nice to be able to lean on each other for support.

    I don't have PTSD, so I don't know what that's like. I've just been trying not to think about my ex, but I seem to dream about him instead, which upsets me when I wake up, and I find it hard to move on from that. It's a lesser trauma than yours, but traumatic nonetheless. I'm trying to move on...

    I took your advice Andrew and went to yoga. You said "it's when you least want to do it that you need to do it", which is funny because my yoga teacher said exactly the same when I told her I didn't want to do one of the yoga poses. Thanks for the little boot up the bum ;)

    Hugs all round, and thanks for being here and being great people!

    Oh, and a quote for today - "A broken crayon still colours" (I'd like to say that to my ex, while giving him the finger sign lol)

    1 person found this helpful
  13. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    28 January 2020 in reply to Junior412
    thanks for sharing Simon. I was touched by your story.

    Hi Katy. glad you went . did you notice you felt a little better afterwards.

    I need to take my own advise. I spent the week busy and it helped having some structure although it gets exhausting pretending all the time. to say I woke up at sunrise and just stayed in bed wich is really unheaunheallthy. I'm so eaxausted I'm struggling to do anything today

    hope you are all having a better time.

    love the quote Katy
  14. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
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    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1676 posts
    29 January 2020 in reply to iamanxiety

    Morning Andrew

    It does get tiring to pretend all the time, so take it easy on yourself today. How you feeling about your upcoming work trial? Structure in the days is definitely helpful. I'm looking forward to uni starting in a month.

    And yes, super glad I went to yoga last night. I always enjoy it, it's just hard getting myself there.

    Hope your day improves :) Hugs

  15. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    29 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    it's been a really tough day. I woke up at sunrise after some uncomfortable vivid dreams. I stayed in bed which I know is not good for me. I can't go back to sleep as my mind races with negative intrusive thoughts . got out of bed and sat on the shower floor. deppresing know lol.

    I'm dressed now and I msged a friend to go to gym soon. I'm hoping I will feel a little better afterwards. I will make sure I squeeze in a fast run and sweat it out.

    I have a lot of self doubt, it's been a year since I last worked. I have been spending the last few days practicing on my computer to refresh my mind. the architectural program I use is really complicated but in a way it's good because I can get lost in it and is a great distraction. I wake up everyday and start to think of excuses not to go but eventually I talk my self into going. I won't put to much pressure on myself, if I get it great,if not it was a stepping stone to recovery. I wasn't that long ago that I was not leaving the house and was going to check myself into a hospital.

    what are you planning to study. Uni would be great for the social interaction, distraction and structure.

    hope your day is going well

    Andrew
  16. Paw Prints
    Valued Contributor
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    Paw Prints avatar
    1843 posts
    29 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy,

    Well done going to yoga. That took strength. Andrew hit the nail on its head "it's when you least want to do it that you need to do it". I think I need to stick notes with this message all over the house to remind me.

    When you dream of your ex & wake upset, do you have anything you can do to break the thought cycle. Some people find keeping a notebook by their bed & writing down what is distressing them on one page & then writing down positives on the opposite page can help them lessen the distress. Other people do mindfulness exercises or physical exercise. I have found concentrating on giving my dog a full health check helps. (yes it is an odd solution, but it works for me, he sleeps on my bed). So don't be afraid to look out of the box for what might work for you.

    I liked your quote (and the finger) 😊

    Huggily hugs

    Paws

  17. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
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    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1676 posts
    30 January 2020 in reply to iamanxiety

    Hey Andrew, sorry you had a tough day yesterday! I hope today's looking a little brighter for you. Check in and say hi if you feel up to it :)

    How did the gym sesh go? You're lucky you have someone to go with. I imagine that helps with the motivation.

    Yeah it's hard being out of work for that long. But I think that's a good way to look at it, that trying for a job is a step to recovery. I've actually applied for two jobs in the last couple of months. It was scary even applying. I didn't get either of them, and that's perfectly ok, because applying is a step in itself. I'm not sure (at all!!!!) that I'm job ready. Just trying to push myself forward a bit. So I hear ya!

    I'm actually going into my final year of uni this year. I study online though so there's not that face to face interaction, but yes there is still distraction and structure, which I'm looking forward to. Life's very purposeless at the moment and that's no good for anyone.

    Katy

  18. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
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    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1676 posts
    30 January 2020 in reply to Paw Prints

    Hi Paws

    Sorry you've had a bit of a down period too. Some days really are just 'no thanks'. It is what it is. But I'm glad to see you back. And yes, I've often thought of sticking all sorts of sticky notes over the place, like 'breathe' lol

    Well I didn't dream of my ex last night. I dreamt about Buddy Franklin who I think is a footballer? Maybe I need to find a book about what dreams mean? But in all seriousness, thankyou for the advice. I decided yesterday thanks to reading someone else's post on here, that I'm still in a grief period. So my head is all over the place and I just have to find a way to deal with the different emotions that are coming up. The first two weeks were sort of angry and not missing my ex, and now lately it's been tears and missing him. Which also feels like a betrayal of myself, because he was really unkind to me and doesn't deserve to be missed. It's all a bit confusing and yuk. And here come more tears... ugggh

    Thanks for more hugs. I love hugs. Hope today's ok for you x

    Katy

  19. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    30 January 2020

    Hi everyone.

    Sorry I haven't been here for a bit, needed a bit of a break.

    Hope everyone's alright. Love and hugs to everybody.

    Tayla x

    1 person found this helpful
  20. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    30 January 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katy,

    yes it is a big step even applying when you've in a poor state of mind. I found even turning my computer on was giving me crippling anxiety. I guess baby steps has got me to a point where I'm going to interviews and now a trial.

    gym was good ,always is once I go .

    glad you are finishing your course I'm sure it will feel like a great accomplishment. I too studied online . it worked out well for me but a class structure would have been good for the social contact.

    anyway I start this new job tomorrow. trying not to put to much pressure on myself . I really went to the interview just using it as a stepping stone but disaster he liked me lol so I'm getting a trial

    all the best

    Andrew
  21. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    30 January 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Tayla,
    Hope you're well. No need to apologise for anything, we all need a break from everything at times. No matter what you're going through, even though you needed time away from here, we're always going to be here for you. I know I certainly will be here any time 24/7 for you, along with everyone else here. I know our other wonderful friends will be supportive for you in some form of capacity despite their own issues.

    I've had a few problems sleeping myself, still waking up halfway through the night in a sweat, nightmares of being a failure and not being accepted as a person. Funny thing is that when I go to work in my new role, as soon as I arrive people flock to me, not just to seek professional work-related advice from me, but also to seek help to support them morally outside of work in whatever they struggle with. So, I reinforce to you and my new found friends Katy, Andrew and Paws and or course you Tayla, I'm here for you through thick and thin. Don't ever think any issue is too trivial here.

    I'm glad you guys are getting out and looking for jobs, studying and everything else, I'm proud of you that you can try to get out there and forge a life for yourselves. I can relate to hiding in a bedroom in the dark for days on end and hoping everything goes away. If there's anything I can do there i'll back you 110%.

    Katy, I'll be in Perth at the end of March for 4 days. Tayla, if we can work something out we'll catch up as well. Andrew if you need help mate I'll try my best for you as well.

    Love and hugs for all or you, my special friends here. You don't realise what you all mean to me.
    Simon


    1 person found this helpful
  22. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
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    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1676 posts
    30 January 2020

    Tayla - big squeezies hugs! We all need a time out sometimes. Go easy on yourself x

    Andrew - I'm super excited for you for tomorrow. That's excellent and you go easy on yourself too. Definitely not a disaster hahah. Check in when you're ready and let us know how it went. And don't forget to breeeeeaaaathe :)

    Simon - sorry you're still struggling with sleep. That must make the days more challenging. But well done for recognising how much you have to contribute. That's amazing :) Not sure we're able to meet up in person, as there's no facility to allow that to happen, and it's probably for the best. Makes the forums a safe space, as much as it might be nice to support each other in real life.

    We can all continue to chat here for as long as everyone needs mutual support and a kind ear to listen. Kind thoughts always, Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  23. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    30 January 2020 in reply to Junior412
    hey Simon,

    nice to hear you are well regarded in your workplace. must be a nice feeling to give back and assist others.

    shame you are having bad dreams. I can relate ,I've been having them every night lately. but my sleep is improving some so I need to look at the positives I guess

    Andrew
  24. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    31 January 2020

    Hey everyone. My apologies for just replying now, just had a crappy few days, especially today. You can blame my GP for NOT caring at all and NOT doing her job. I took my frustration out and expressed my concerns and she didn't care either.

    Simon - thank you very much for your kind words, everything means a lot. You all help me too even if it's not much, it's still a little. I understand that everyone has their own things to deal with, but I think it's great that we all try to support each other despite all of that. Sorry to hear that you've also been struggling with sleep, I know what it's like, I have insomnia and whatnot (have for years even before taking any meds), plus the PTSD stuff (some days it's not there at all, other days it's pretty bad). Yeah I'm a homebody too mostly, I mean I do leave the house but still. Sounds nice that you'll be in Perth, I'm in Regional VIC.

    Katy - thanks for your words also. I'm so frustrated with all this stuff. My GP doesn't care about me at all, and I mean that. I have no idea why. She doesn't want to do anything for me. How did she even become a Doctor anyway? Makes me wonder & I find it disgusting, it's discrimination really.

    Anyway, I hope everyone's OK. I'm always here for everybody too, thank you all for your kind words and thoughts, it means a lot. I'm sorry for just replying now.

    Much love, big kisses and big hugs to all of you.

    Tayla x

  25. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    3 February 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Hi all,

    Hope everyone is well. Sorry I haven’t been here for a while, just been feeling a bit flat about life, the usual lack of sleep and of course the heavy emotional and physical feeling that goes with it. Thanks for your kind words Tayla, I’m glad what minimal assistance I can offer to you right now is a help. Believe me, your comments lift my spirits too.

    Today I’m catching up with a friend who I haven’t seen in a while. He’s part of a social group I was involved in, going to the AFL every weekend, until I started going downhill with my anxiety and depression. He’s one of the few who actually want to understand what I’m going through, whereas some people within the group have canned me for “feeling sorry for myself,” and the one that really hurts, “you’re just playing the sympathy card.” Every day those comments are engrained in my mind. I’m hoping my open and honest talk with him today will be spread to the others, but if they still carry on about it I’ll just weed them out of my life as well. At times when I feel really bad I think they may be right, but as we all know it’s debilitating, both mentally and physically. This exhausts me at times, which I’m sure all you wonderful people can relate to.

    Tayla, I spend a lot of time growing up around the Ballarat area, and still spend a lot of my time there as I do/did some voluntary work there, although not as much as I used to while I go through my bad days.

    So guys, hang in there, there was an old song from my birthplace which I listen to when I feel down. One of the lyrics is: “at the end of the storm, there’s a golden sky.” Look for that golden sky my friends.

    Hugs and best wishes,

    Simon

    3 people found this helpful
  26. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    3 February 2020 in reply to Junior412

    Hi Simon.

    No worries at all that you haven't been on here, I and others understand. My apologies for not being on here much either though, I check the forums just don't reply sometimes because I'm not sure what to say or don't get the chance or something. But I'm still here & I care about everyone & I'll do my best to support them.

    I'm sorry to hear about your friend, but at least you caught up with them I suppose, & I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible mentally & physically, I know how you feel.

    I've only been to Ballarat twice - once for a school excursion to Sovereign Hill when I was 12 (which I miss, that was fun) & once for a funeral a few years ago.

    Nice quote also. & you're welcome for the kind words, I'm glad I can support you, thank you for supporting me also. Means a lot.

    Hugs,

    Tayla

  27. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
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    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1676 posts
    3 February 2020

    Hi Simon

    It's hard when people don't get it. There's so many out there that don't. I hope your talk went well with your friend today. It's interesting that people are so supportive with the people in their lives, but only in regard to the things they want to be supportive about. If you care about someone, and something is difficult for them, then that's valid regardless of what it is. I've had to cut people out of my life too over the years, so I understand that sometimes it's important for our wellbeing.

    Agree with Tayla about the quote - it's lovely. I rely on positive quotes a lot these days.

    Take care all. Katy

  28. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    4 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    just saw your badge, congratulations . I can see you've been busy helping others. it's amazing that sharing your knowledge even though it may be quite negative can be thearapudic.

    hope you've been ok

    Andrew
  29. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11398 posts
    4 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy

    Congratulations on being a Valued Contributor on the Beyond Blue forums :-)

    You provide many people with such wonderful support through your own life experience and knowledge

    my kindest thoughts and appreciation always x

    Paul

  30. Jules292
    Jules292 avatar
    39 posts
    4 February 2020

    I too am feeling very low and unable to move forward, I am trying to pull myself out of it. But keep feeling this inner sadness that will not go away. Sometimes I think it’s just the way I am, it feels as though I’m always putting on a facade and always put others needs before my own. Like I’m not worthy to feel happy, I don’t deserve it!

    No one gets it, even my neighbour had a random dig at me this morning about my watch?? No need to say anything but she couldn’t help herself, bang, had to knock me down. I would have loved to have a go back but I hold my tongue so as not to cause a rift. I feel though, that by not saying anything I then reinforce to myself that I am worthless.

    Really struggling at the moment!!

    Jules292

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