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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Not in a good space

Topic: Not in a good space

  1. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    5 February 2020 in reply to Jules292

    Hi Jules292

    So sorry things are tough for you at the moment. This seems to be a fairly common experience for people who struggle with their mental health - a feeling of worthlessness. I certainly feel it most acutely on my "down days". And yes, I think a lot of the time how we allow others to treat us is a reflection of how we feel we deserve to be treated.

    Maybe something small you could do for yourself is to think about how to respond to criticism from others in a way that's non-confrontational but allows you to feel a bit better about yourself. Perhaps it would sound like "that's ok, I like my watch" or some such. Or perhaps it's not something you say out loud at all, but something you say to yourself in your head, like "isn't it great that I have the self-awareness to not say things that are hurtful to others. I like that about me". Anyway, just some ideas to think about.

    You're certainly not worthless. We all deserve to be happy, I just think some of us have to work harder to get there x

    My kindest thoughts, and happy to chat if you'd like to. Katy

  2. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    5 February 2020
    ** and thanks so much Andrew and Paul :) I'm very appreciative of this space, and it's nice to be able to chat with others. Hope you're both doing ok xx
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Paw Prints
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    5 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy,

    You are still grieving lass, so you will have days like yesterday where the tears just flow. That is perfectly natural & to be expected and accepted for what it is. I wish I could have been there in real life to give you a shoulder to cry on. If you want to talk or you want someone to just sit quietly with you I am here.

    Gentlest of hugs

    Paws

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    5 February 2020

    Hi everyone.

    Sorry for not being on here. Been busy & stressed today, & only got home earlier.

    I hope everyone's alright. Congrats on becoming a Valued Contributor Katy, well deserved.

    Love & hugs all around,

    Tayla

  5. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    5 February 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Tayla,

    Sorry to hear of your battles. To be honest I’ve hardly been here myself as I am being snowed under with work, and with that when I’m home alone I struggle with unwinding after the craziness of work.

    I hope you’re doing ok, I’m always here if you want a listening ear. Remember, we’re here for each other. No matter how little you feel you contribute to myself and others here, I check in each day to see how my friends are travelling. You’re all always in my thoughts. How’s the search for work? How’s your issues with your GP? I hope you find a replacement GP if this one is causing problems.

    I travel around regional Victoria a fair bit, so you never know, we may bump into each other down the track!

    If you want the full song to the one I quoted, it’s called “You’ll Never Walk Alone.” I’ve listened to this song for many years and the lyrics ring clear to me whenever I feel down. Please feel free to share this song whenever you are having a bad day.

    Hugs, love and kisses,

    Simon

  6. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    6 February 2020

    Hi all.

    Had a bad day again today. I'm sorry that I haven't been here. I feel like I've failed the forums, but I care about everyone & try to support everybody as much as I can. Just going through a lot & feel so alone.

    Love & hugs to everyone though.

    Simon, the search for work & GP stuff is terrible like I expected. Who cares anymore, I don't. I give up. I'll give the song a listen, thanks. Hugs & kisses back.

    Tayla

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    6 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    I have only now found your threat. You have had too much loss dear lady!

    I just wrote quite a long reply, but I had a computer glitch and accidentally deleted it! So all I am going to say now is that you and others (Hi Paws!) have been so kind to me on my thread, that I hope I can offer whatever support I can offer back to you in return.

    You sound like such a lovely person, be gentle with yourself and expect the bad days, especially when things are still so raw. I will talk more another time... I just wanted to let you know I am sorry, and do care, and will come by if that's OK to see how you are...

    Sam of course sends furry hugs, and I send mine. Again, be gentle with yourself. Hugs dear lady.

  8. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    6 February 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Tayla,

    Don’t give up girl. You have failed absolutely no one here. We are all here for you, to support in any way we can. I can’t emphasise how much hearing from you lifts my day. Is there any way that you can find another GP, can your psych help? We all have bad days, believe me I have had that many of late I’ve lost count. Hearing from special people like you and others here have given me hope.

    Who cares - I do and so do Katy, Andrew and others. I’m certainly always here. Are you alone - the answer is no. While you stay with us here you’ll never be alone.

    I travel around regional Victoria a lot, when I feel low I get in the car and drive to wherever I feel like. I love taking photography in remote areas and enjoying the countryside. Very mind clearing.

    Hang in there Tayls, (if I can call you that), my door is certainly open.

    Hugs, kisses and love

    Simon

  9. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    7 February 2020 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi again Katy,

    I wanted to ask what courses are you doing for your social work degree this year? Your final year should be the most interesting subjects! Do let me know, either here or on my thread - I'd love to know what the subjects are that you're doing, I'm genuinely interested having done social anthropology - they're not unrelated subjects!

    Hope you have an OK day today. Lots of hugs from me and Sam of course! xx

  10. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    7 February 2020 in reply to Hanna3
    Oops sorry for the typo - thread, not threat!
  11. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    7 February 2020

    Feeling crappy lately, sorry everyone.

    Tayla

  12. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    1676 posts
    7 February 2020
    Hanna and Paws, thankyou! I do still have a lot of down days or down moments. I'm getting better at accepting them and just going with it. It feels less about the fella and more about the bubba now, so I think I didn't get to grieve properly for her, with everything going on with him. I could say it wasn't fair, but life isn't. I think we all know that. Thanks for the support and hugs xx
    1 person found this helpful
  13. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    1676 posts
    7 February 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Hey Tayla (Hi Simon and anyone else visiting)

    Anything you want to talk about? I had a look on your thread but didn't see anything. Sorry you're feeling down...

  14. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    7 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy. Congrats on becoming a Valued Contributor.

    It's just stuff with my GP. She sent a letter to my Psychiatrist (it's on my file on the website I do Telehealth on for my Psychiatrist), & it sounded rude & sarcastic.

    Some of the stuff she wrote made me sound like the bad one. She says I haven't done anything to help myself as in getting a job, meeting people, etc. all of that is a complete lie because I've done everything I can, & I've told her this.

    Then she says that I don't know the difference between Psychiatrists & Psychologists, but I do. I told her that my Psychiatrist gives me therapy & Medicare pays for it (I digitally sign a form after every session with my Psychiatrist). My Psychiatrist even said himself, word for word - "I want to help you & give you therapy myself, not just prescribe you medication". I told her this.

    She also wrote that i said she doesn't communicate with my Psychiatrist, which she should be doing by law. I have to go in there to see my GP just to say the stuff that's written on my reports. She doesn't even know the meds I'm taking. But of course she doesn't say anything about herself. She makes me look like the bad one.

    I've already been scared that my Psychiatrist doesn't want to see me anymore although he's never said that's to me or her, now I feel like that even more. I feel like he'll be annoyed & not like me anymore. I've always been nice to him because he's always been nice to me.

    She also wrote in the letter that I just want to see my Psychiatrist, no one else. That makes me sound like I'm trying to make him uncomfortable. I mean it in a way that he's the only therapist who has ever been nice to me & helped me, so I'm thankful & I want to keep seeing him without being a burden like I already feel.

    I guess I'll find out when I see my Psychiatrist again on Feb 18. As for my GP, I guess I'll cancel the appointments with her. My parents & I are looking into going to a whole new doctor's clinic, it's 30 mins away but there's MANY more doctors, a bigger place & they actually have people with qualifications & a few doctors that focus on mental health.

    Love & hugs to you & everyone.

    Tayla

  15. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    7 February 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Hey Tayla

    For a start you should never feel like a burden to a professional who's job it is to help you. Sometimes I feel like I should ask my psychologist about her life, and then I remember she's getting paid to listen to me. It's literally meant to be a one-sided relationship. I can't see any reason why he wouldn't want to continue seeing you, and I doubt what your gp said will have any bearing on that either. I'm sorry it's such a long time between sessions and you need to wait to find that out for yourself though.

    It sounds like a good idea to switch gp if you're able. Not all gp's are good with mental health. I had to try a few also. Once you've found a good one, they'll be a part of your support team, not someone that makes you feel bad about yourself or inadequate. So try not to let it get to you too much if you're able. You know what's the truth and what's not. Just focus on you and what you makes you happy, and look forward to seeing your psychiatrist.

    Did you end up getting that book he recommended? I wonder if you did and you found it helpful at all? I'm currently reading The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle and am really enjoying it.

    Hugs, Katy

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Hanna3
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    3628 posts
    8 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy, girl I think you are doing amazingly well. You're studying your university course. You're helping to support people on BB. You're getting out and about to the beach or the library etc and you met up with that lady who gave you the textbook. Give yourself a real pat on the back for managing so well after such losses as you have had.

    The rotten horrible days will happen, and I hope you always know to ring Lifeline or somewhere like that if you are feeling unable to cope - or vent on here which is what we're all here for. I know with those bad days it's just a matter of trying to hang on - by your fingernails sometimes.

    I think one day you will emerge from all this and realise that you can manage fine, that the hurt of losing your bub and your partner won't go away but you might find that you are content to stay single, or find a partner who is someone you can truly rely on. I remember reading a wonderful article once about what sort of man should a woman look for after a breakup/divorce, and the writer said "a man who is kind, a man who is kind, a man who is kind". Which is what you deserve dear lady.

    I have not been through losing a bub, but very young I had a tumour in my uterus and could never have children. When I was at the age when all my friends were having children it was awful. For years I couldn't bear to see pregnant women or babies, it just all brought back what I could never have. I remember sitting in my GP's surgery one day and just sobbing because every other woman I worked with was expecting a baby and I was the only one single and who could never have a child...

    So don't underestimate just how much you have gone through very recently, and just how amazing it is that you are managing with what you are doing - Uni, BB, getting around out and about, dragging yourself through the awful down days and then getting back up and trying again. Huge hugs OK because you really, really deserve them and need them.

    HUGS HUGS and the furry ones are from little Sam. xxx

    And come back and let me/us know if you need support/help/venting/whatever, OK? Hugs again. xx

    2 people found this helpful
  17. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    8 February 2020 in reply to Hanna3

    Hanna

    I really appreciate what you've written. I can't quite work out why it's so nice to hear people tell me that I'm managing ok, but it really is. So thankyou for saying so. I love the idea of a kind man. All I ever wanted was for my ex to be nice to me. I think my needs in that area are pretty simple.

    So, so sorry that you were unable to have children. I can't even imagine how tough that would have been for you.

    I've been thinking about acceptance a lot lately. I'm going to have a chat to my psychologist at my next appointment about it. I might even do some googling and see if I can find something helpful.

    Meanwhile, I've had a cry day. The sort of cry day where you get on with things, but silent tears just fall down your face as you go about your business. Crying in Bunnings.. crying while hanging the washing out... I'm getting used to crying a lot.

    Hugs back (yes I need hugs!). And thanks again for your kind words x

  18. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    8 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Crying is cathartic dear Katy - it's much worse to hold those feelings back inside. You've got to let them out. Plus remember, you've had a bookless day! That's pretty horrendous!

    I've had plenty of days like that, not over the same losses as yours of course, but enough to know that time, time, and more time, is what will help. You ARE doing well. Amazingly actually. That doesn't mean you aren't permitted to have absolutely awful, horrible, dreadful days. They're the days you hang on by your fingernails, at least that's what it used to feel like to me when I had/have them.

    Being childless is OK now - at age 45 I suddenly felt OK about it. I can enjoy babies and children now, although they still remind me of what I never had, but I've learnt to accept that that is how my life is. I was helped very much by a wonderful book about not being able to be a mother that I read years ago - all I can remember about it now is that it said there are many ways to nurture. So I've nurtured gardens, flower beds, friendships I hope - stray dogs, a duck once!

    You have to grieve, give yourself full permission to do that and feel horrible - but the moments and times when things feel better, moments when you feel happy or content or even just a bit, a tiny bit, more peaceful, will happen. HUGS from me and HUGS HUGS from Sam. Pats to Storm.

    And get to that library when it opens. Deal? xx HUG

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    9 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy, I'm sorry that I'm just seeing this & replying now.

    Thank you for your reassurance, I really hope he still wants to see me, & I hope he understands & listens to my side of the stuff with the GP, because that's the truth. I hope he doesn't agree with her & hate me.

    As for the book, I purchased it today, called Beating The Blues.

    I hope you're alright.

    Hi to you also Hanna.

    Love & hugs to you both & everyone else here.

    Tayla

  20. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    11 February 2020
    Absolutely no point wishing things were different, because things are just what they are. But I do anyway. And I feel so incredibly sad today. Gosh it hurts :(
  21. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    11 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    Thought after replying to you on my thread I'd check you on yours. You do sound down poor thing. Has anything in particular brought this on? You were very anxious about Uni starting...

    Anything you want to talk about love? Or just need someone to be here? I'm here and Sam's here with slightly damp furry hugs after a walk in the rain (that's rare for us here!).

    I'll come back and check on you OK? Anything you need to get out? Or I'll just come back and sit like Paws does! HUGS HUGS xxx

  22. Paw Prints
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    11 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy,

    Giving you a gentle hug lass. Grief is hard I've found. For you here & now it is still a raw open wound which hurts so much. You are possibly tired of people telling you this but.... wounds do heal with time.... the loss will always be remembered.... but without the intense pain & sadness you feel now.

    I know that doesn't really help in the here & now. I wonder if making something like a small memorial garden in a large pot (in case you move) might be something you could work on. Not just putting a couple of plants in....but making a miniature landscape.... filled with whimsical things....

    With something like that it will take time to plan, hunt for things you want to include & create it. It's a small way of working through your grief as you work to make something beautiful in memory of your bub.

    Lass if you need to talk, I'm happy to listen

    more hugs

    Paws

    1 person found this helpful
  23. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    11 February 2020 in reply to Junior412

    Hi Simon, I'm not sure if I replied to your comment, sorry.

    I have failed people here, including before. But thanks for your kind words.

    And no one cares at all, but thanks for that also.

    About finding a GP, I've been looking around. I don't even see the point of me seeing a GP anymore anyway. I give up with just everything.

    Yes you can call me Tayls, that's cute, thanks.

    Love and hugs back,

    Tayla

  24. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    11 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Katy, if I have things right, then you are suffering from a loss that doesn't get much talked about for some reason. Have you had people to talk to about your loss at all? Apart from your psychiatrist - have you been able to talk with other women about it who have suffered a similar loss? A nurse? A grief counsellor, chaplain, whoever?

    When I worked for an obstetrician years ago he used to sit with women who lost children due to stillbirth or miscarriage and cry with them. I think that was one of the best things he could have done. He really did care.

    I wish I could help... I can sit here and hold your hand while you cry …. just like he did - except I have to do it here... so I'm holding tight...OK? And you cry as much as you need... it's a huge loss. I am so so sorry.

    I'm still holding your hand OK? We do care xxx hugs hugs hugs hugs

  25. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    11 February 2020 in reply to Hanna3

    Yes. I think the problem is that the person who knew her name, and all the things I wanted to teach her, isn't here to share in the grief process with me. It's like she's a little secret. And I don't even want to share those things with anyone else anyway. So that's a mess.

    And today I caught up with a family friend this morning, and then had lunch with another friend, and I told them both I'm ok. But I'm not ok. So it's like this cognitive dissonance, and it was really uncomfortable (for me). And though I enjoyed the catch ups, I really had to come home and admit I'm not ok, and just cry.

    I don't really know what I need. I have talked to 3 other women who have experienced loss, and that was nice, to share. And I have my psych. But I don't know. Maybe it's just time. Maybe it just hurts, and it just needs to hurt for now.

    Thanks for caring. Both you and Paws.

  26. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    11 February 2020
    Does anyone want to talk with me?
    1 person found this helpful
  27. OceanWhispers
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    76 posts
    11 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    I'm sending you huge hugs and loads of love Katy xx
    1 person found this helpful
  28. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    11 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    OK I just read through what you've said twice, carefully, Katy. Hugs.

    Let me think on all that for a while. I understand the cognitive dissonance. I understand not wanting people to know things, and at the same time feeling alone with it all. And the loss of the person you should be sharing this all with.

    I need to think about it for a while. This is a difficult grief you have to bear. I will check back tomorrow. Meantime I am still (metaphorically at least) holding tight to you dear lady. And sitting with you. Here.

    You have courage in spades dear lady. I don't think you realize that. And your loss is huge and raw and complex.

    So I'm just going to sit and think for a while, and sit here with you. I hope that is OK.

    The lovely obstetrician I knew used to sit with people and cry with them. Then he would come back and go into his office and cry on his own. So I'm going to have a little private cry for/with you, and come back tomorrow.

    Small gentle hugs meanwhile. xx hugs

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Katyonthehamsterwheel
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    11 February 2020 in reply to Hanna3

    Thanks so much for caring, all of you x

    I need to give some thought to Paws' suggestion. One of the ladies I spoke to who had suffered a loss said the same thing, and I wasn't quite sure how my "special thing" would look, so I didn't do it. I did do something special for my ex/partner, that was intimate between him and bub, but I need a me thing. (I really wanted a tattoo funnily enough but I'm chicken. I've never had a tattoo before). I'm going to work on it.

    Thanks for holding space for me, and for nice hugs x

  30. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    12 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    I was going to get back to you later today (it's about 10am here now). I thought Paws' suggestion was really nice too. I'm glad you're giving something like that some thought. I understand about the tattoo I'm a wuss about getting one of those two - worry about infections etc etc! Anyway as I get older they're not a good look when your skin goes crinkly....!!

    I wanted to write properly and not in a rush over a late breakfast as I was thinking about you last night. So I'll get back to you later today. I think you are suffering a very lonely loss, your visits to your psych at six weeks apart are not supportive enough - you really need weekly or fortnightly for a while - and I was thinking of all the things you must be grieving.

    Something special to remember your little one by - I think would be a lovely idea. I'll return later, wanted to check in and send another hug your way. xx

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