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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Not in a good space

Topic: Not in a good space

  1. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    12 February 2020 in reply to Hanna3

    Hi Katy,

    I was thinking last night about your loss, and I am thinking it was a miscarriage, so forgive me if I have things wrong. Without having gone through it, I thought what I would be grieving for - the loss of the child within me, I'd grieve again at the time she would have been born, I'd grieve that I never got to raise my child, if a daughter that I never saw her grow up, how she would turn out to be, have the joys of having a daughter.

    Also that a baby once born or a child people understand your grief absolutely, but with a miscarriage I think they mostly don't unless they've been through one themselves. I tried to think through it - that she never took a breath, or knew life, or blame myself somehow for it all (quite wrongly), and that if I spoke to other people about it would they understand that she has a name, that I loved her, or will they not understand my grief.

    And the partner who could share this mourning with you isn't there. So you must feel so alone with it.

    I am trying not to say something that will make you feel upset or sad because I've put it wrongly. Please forgive me I I have. I fear I'm putting this clumsily and I mean not to. I'm trying to say that I realised just how much of a loss you have been through, and how difficult it must be for others to understand the depth of it.

    Paws is right when she says its time and time and more time will heal - not that you will ever forget your child and her loss, nor should you, and nor do you want to - but time will ease it eventually. I think the idea of something lovely that is between you and bub is a wonderful idea.

    I'm not sure what else to say except that we are here to offer whatever feeble support we can give you when you get the awful horrible days, and through all the rest as well. I think Uni will be good for you, and something along the lines of Paw's suggestion, whatever you decide to do that feels right for you.

    I am anxious none of this is helpful, or is less than helpful. I can only speak as someone who has grieved the non-existence of the children I longed to have. Yours is a different grief again. I have tried to think deeply about what it must mean for you. And all I can do now is send my love and hugs, and tell you you will get through this, you are being so strong, and have more courage than you know. And that it's absolutely OK to have the awful terrible days because that's a part of the grieving you need to do. Hugs, and more hugs. xx

  2. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1676 posts
    12 February 2020 in reply to Hanna3

    Hanna

    I wrote a reply and it got eaten by gremlins! erk

    I really appreciate you taking the time to try to understand my situation, and I feel you do. So you see it's complex, and at times the sheer weight of it has felt unbearable. Time, time, time and leaning on you all when I need to (thanks so so much!) has gotten me this far.

    Your post did prompt me to remember how understanding my son was, and what he said to me when I told him. It was beautiful. So that's something.

    Thankyou for being here for me x

  3. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    12 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    I'm sorry your reply got eaten!!!! That happens to me too...…

    I wasn't sure if my post was OK I was a bit worried I might be wrong or upset you - but I have (in my work) had to deal with a lady who suffered three stillbirths in a row (no known cause, labour was fine, each babe stillborn so something happening during the birth) - and I knew how important it was when talking to her to use their names - they were her sons. And I was thinking how few women you hear talking about a miscarriage they have suffered.

    Yes it's a complex grief for you to carry. I'm glad your son was so kind. So do know I am happy to listen anytime you need to talk about it - and I do understand your need for privacy about it too. Many hugs dear lady xx

    And on another note entirely - do let me know how you find the Randolf Stow - I've read Tourmaline and To The Islands and I find him rather unusual...

    And do let me know when you are starting Uni and how it goes, you know i'm interested! xxx hugs again

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    12 February 2020

    Hi everyone.

    I'm here if anyone wants to chat with me about whatever. If not then that's fine too I guess.

    Tayla

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    12 February 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Tayls, Katy and everyone else here.

    So sorry for my slackness and my absence here, I’ve just been snowed under with work to the extent I didn’t want to go near a keyboard and type. I feel I’ve probably let people down here in that regards, but I’m still here for those who want me to be.

    Katy, congrats on your promotion to valued contributor. You should be so proud to have opened up with your losses, and the fact that our chats have not only helped you but those who are here as well. I totally understand what you mean when you have those days where you feel so hopeless that all you want to do is curl up and cry - extra hugs for you.

    Tayls, my good friend. Despite my absence here, I’m here if you want to chat. That has never changed. Wish I knew where in regional Vic you are, as I’d love to be able to talk face to face, but here is fine. I hope you’re well and getting the help you truly deserve. The book you mentioned sounds interesting, would like to read it some time. Did you listen to the song I mentioned? Extra hugs for you as well if you want them.

    Take care everyone, be here for each other.

    Simon

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Paw Prints
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Paw Prints avatar
    1847 posts
    12 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy,

    Gentlest of hugs lass. My suggestion was just that, a suggestion only. It's quite ok to say that it is not something you would find helpful. A tattoo is a lovely idea, though like Hanna I'd be a wuss about getting one. Take your time lass, you have a memorial to your bub in your heart, only create another if or when it feels right for you.

    Huggily hugs

    Paws

    1 person found this helpful
  7. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11398 posts
    12 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy (and a wave to Hanna Tayla and Simon)

    I hope you are doing okay..I remember when you joined 445 posts ago! You are an asset to the forums providing the support you do to other members especially when you have been going through so much ...not that there is any high expectations of course

    There are so many caring members providing their heartfelt support here...wonderful thread Katy x

    Bear Hugs..(if thats okay!)

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1676 posts
    13 February 2020

    Yes Paul, you're quite right.

    I'm lucky to have had so many wonderful people pop by my thread. A huge thankyou to everyone for your support, hugs, presence, and kind suggestions which are very much appreciated - always x

    Sending big hugs right back to all of you!

    3 people found this helpful
  9. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    13 February 2020

    Hi Katy, just checking in to say hello and to see if you're alright.

    I'm here if you'd like to talk with me. I've just been trying to eventually catch up on all the threads I've commented on, so bare with me, sorry about that.

    PS - I'll reply to others at some point, sorry for taking so long everyone!

    Tayla

  10. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    13 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi all,

    Hope everyone is well. Had a really rough day at work today. Won't go into a lot of detail here, but it's left me saddened, angry and lost. Went for my afternoon walk and took out my frustrations on screaming my guts out and chucking my water bottle as far as I could into the river on the walking track I use daily. Cried all afternoon.

    Not looking for a lot here but just wanted to have a little "vent."

    Sorry guys.

    Simon

  11. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    13 February 2020 in reply to Junior412

    Hey Simon.

    I'm sorry to hear about your bad day. You don't need to be sorry about venting, we all need to vent about things sometimes. I'm here for you, I care.

    I hope you're alright and you feel better soon. If you'd like to talk about anything I'll listen.

    Walking can be therapeutic, I do that daily around a lake also. I hope that cleared your head a little, everyone has different coping mechanisms. As long as you're alright.

    Love and hugs, please take care and be safe. Anything you can do to try and relax? Watch funny videos, listen to relaxing music perhaps? Up to you. I'm here either way.

    Tayla x

  12. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    13 February 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Thanks Tayls,

    Im surprised at your quick response. It heartens me that someone did. I wish we could talk.

    Enjoy your night.

    Simon.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    13 February 2020 in reply to Junior412

    Hey Simon, you're more than welcome. I'm glad it heartened you, that makes me feel a bit better and smile a little, so thank you yourself. Of course we can talk. Enjoy your night also.

    Oh I'll also read and reply to your message above, I haven't got around to it yet, sorry!

    Love and hugs,

    Tayla (Tayls, that's cute, thanks!) x

  14. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    13 February 2020 in reply to Junior412

    Hey again Simon, just replying to your comment to me above.

    No need to apologise about not being on the forums, I understand. I get that way myself so it's alright. You haven't let anyone down, definitely not me anyway. I hope work is alright for you.

    Thank you once again for your kind words as usual, it truly means a lot and I really appreciate it. I feel the same way about you with all of the nice things you say to me. It make sure me feel better, even a little.

    I'm here for you aswell, thank you for being there for me in return too. I'd love to talk face to face with you aswell, along with some others on the forums. That would be cool!

    Thank you about saying I hope I get the help I truly deserve, I only have my Psychiatrist. He's great but I have to wait a while to see him, I see him on the 18th though. I'm too scared to ask him if I can see him more for sessions because I don't want to push things and be a burden and make him uncomfortable. I understand his busy work schedule and his personal life and I don't want to invade his privacy, I respect that. He's worth the wait. I just want him as my therapist no one else. I've been looking for new GPs, mine is awful.

    I'm waiting for the book to arrive in the mail, when I read it I'll let you know. I purchased it from Booktopia, it's called "Beating The Blues." No I haven't listened to that song yet but I will and I'll let you know my thoughts on it, thanks!

    Thanks for saying I'm a good friend of yours, you're a good friend of mine too and I appreciate you a lot. I'm glad we started talking on here. Thank you, truly.

    Lots of love and big hugs back, I hope you're alright. Love your good friend (you're my good friend too, I mean that),

    Tayls (Tayla) xx

  15. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1676 posts
    14 February 2020

    Today's google search:

    i hope i don't wake up tomorrow

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6825 posts
    14 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Hi Katyonthehamsterwheel,

    I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way today. The community is here for you - please feel free to tell us some more about what's happening for you today. Don't forget that there is always help available to you. I have sent you a message with some additional support.

    I hope you're feeling a bit better since you wrote this,

    Sophie
  17. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    14 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    hi Katy,

    I remember all to well sitting alone in my office googleing crazy things like that, it's a scary place . can you do any thing to break this train of thought. get up and out and possibly distract yourself .hopefully the intensity will pass if you occupied.

    Andrew
  18. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    14 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    I guess valentines day does not being up happy memories for us all. another day I will be glad when it is done personally
  19. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    14 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    I hope I didn't write the wrong thing on my thread to you, I was making a bit of a joke...

    I am sorry you are having a down day. I will come back later or on my thread if you want to talk at all, or just say how lousy you feel... I can sit with you a while and just be there, or chat or not. Hugs dear lady xxx

  20. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    14 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Katy, please don't feel like that. We want you here, and we want you to wake up tomorrow.

    I feel that way every day. But please be safe and please stay. We're here for you.

    Please take care and be OK. Take some time to yourself if you need.

    I hope you're alright. Reach out to Lifeline or some place like that if you feel comfortable?

    Love and hugs,

    Tayla

  21. Paw Prints
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Paw Prints avatar
    1847 posts
    14 February 2020 in reply to Hanna3

    Hello Katy,

    Lass you are not going through this alone. Let it out lass, have a cry, smash some crockery, whatever you need. I'm here for you if you want to talk or not. Please try & ring one of the helplines, even if you can't find the words for the tears, they will still listen & offer you the support you need.

    Sending you the gentlest of hugs & ahand to hold

    Paws

  22. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    14 February 2020 in reply to Hanna3
    Came back to check on you - dear lady Paws has put it better than I can. So sorry you are feeling so very bad. Gentle warm fluffy puppy hugs from Sam... you hang onto Storm and cry it out Katy dear... we're all thinking of you... hugs hugs hugs xxx
  23. iamanxiety
    iamanxiety avatar
    79 posts
    15 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel
    hi Katy,

    just thinking about you. come have a chat when you feel up to it . sorry my post are short and misspelled I'm using a cracked phone not my pc . time for an upgrade I think lol

    Andrew
  24. monkey_magic
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    monkey_magic avatar
    5168 posts
    15 February 2020 in reply to iamanxiety
    Hi Katyonthehamsterwheel,

    I've had some pretty horrendous Google searches myself.

    I hope you're feeling a little better if not that's ok too.

    Just wanted you to know I'm also here for you rain, hail or shine.

    We can't always have good days.

    I remember my dark days very well and had to journal and cry it out to get better.

    You're not alone.
    1 person found this helpful
  25. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    15 February 2020

    Are you alright Katy?

    Is everyone else alright too?

    I'm here for all of you if anyone needs it - someone to talk to about anything or just to listen. If anyone is interested.

    Love and hugs to all. I hope you're OK Katy, please take care of yourself.

    Tayla

  26. Paw Prints
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Paw Prints avatar
    1847 posts
    15 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hello Katy,

    Just popping in to let you know you're in my thoughts. Please don't feel you must reply.

    I'm sitting with you in spirit lass & giving you the gentlest of hugs.

    Paws

  27. Hanna3
    Hanna3 avatar
    3628 posts
    16 February 2020 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katy,

    Just wanted to say hello and thinking of you. No need for you to answer. But when I log onto BB and there are no messages that show a little hamster wheel, or Storm's happy face, the world feels a bit more lonely without you. You are missed! You help make the world a little brighter - your lovely nature shines through your comments here. Come back when you are up to it - I miss our chats about books or dogs or whatever! Gentle wishes... xxx

  28. Missing user
    Missing user avatar
    16 February 2020

    I hope you're alright Katy.

    Hanna and everyone else is right, and we're all thinking of you.

    It's OK if you need time to yourself and you don't feel like coming on the forums or have the time. Self care is important and it's not selfish, remember that, same with everyone here.

    Please just take care of yourself and be safe. I send my love and hugs, I hope you're OK.

    Love and hugs, and kind wishes.

    Tayla x

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    16 February 2020 in reply to Missing user

    Hi Katy, my good friend.

    I really hope you're ok. My heart sank when I read your post regarding your google search. I remember a few weeks ago when I began my journey on this thread, that my google search was similar to what you described. It brought me here. I'm so fortunate that I found you, and other wonderful people here. If it wasn't for people like you who've shone the light and guided they way with your kind words, thoughts and wishes, I don't know where I'd be now. Probably not typing you this message.

    I can only repeat what other wonderful people have said here, such as Hanna, Paws, Andrew and of course my beautiful friend Tayls, that we are all here for each other, and right now we're batting for you Katy. We respect your wish for some space right now, but be mindful that I and many others that love you are here waiting for you with open arms and wanting to help you. As I've said in the past, all of our situations are different, I can't even begin to comprehend what you've been through with your personal and physical losses, but I know I'll be here 24/7 for you. We've all learnt here that no matter how trivial we may think our day to day problems are here, we are all here to support one another. I've sought strength here from this threat, and I'm sure others will agree.

    Believe me, days on the calendar such as Valentines Day, Christmas Day, New Years Eve and even my own birthday are days I dread and try to hide from.

    My love and hugs go out to you, and others here who need it right now.

    Your friend and supporter,

    Simon

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Junior412
    Junior412 avatar
    37 posts
    16 February 2020 in reply to Junior412
    Gotta love spellcheck. I meant to say "I've sought strength here from this thread, not threat!
    1 person found this helpful

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