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Topic: Really struggling

  1. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    28 May 2019
    Hi All,

    This is the first time I have ever tried to use a forum. I simply don't know what else to do.

    Atm I have a lot of memories, images, voices from past experiences resurfacing. On top of work environment that can trigger these. I simply can not take it anymore and cope. All I want to do is make everything stop.

    I have been sitting with suicide for a while now, and I am tired of fighting it. I feel like I have exhausted all my options, I am wondering if anyone has any advice.

    I have started the process of seeking help, however it'll take months to organise. On top of this I can't exactly share what's going on etc.

    Sorry
  2. Grey's
    Grey's avatar
    12 posts
    28 May 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Hi Saree_p

    I'm sorry to hear your struggling at the moment I'm not doing that great myself. I wanted to reach out to you because i have the similar problems. What i've found helpful is keeping my mind busy doing stuff that makes you think about other things. Like I play word games it forces me to think about the words instead of the bad thoughts. I hope this helps a little and if you need to talk more people on the forum are great.

    Let me know how you go.

    Grey's

    5 people found this helpful
  3. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    28 May 2019 in reply to Grey's
    Thanks Grey's.

    I normally do, I am just getting to the point that I am so tired I am struggling.

    Is there something that helps u keep going?
  4. Grey's
    Grey's avatar
    12 posts
    28 May 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    I'm struggling with what gets me through at the moment. I'm not really sure whats keeping me going at the moment, i guess the thought of good stuff happening in the future. To be honest i've really been struggling with self harm thoughts and suicide thoughts over the past few days. But i guess we just have to keep pushing through I find going to work seems to help once i'm there but its a struggle to get there. Sorry i don't have any better answers you just have to keep trying and i find therapy helps.

    Grey's

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    28 May 2019 in reply to Grey's

    It's okay Grey's.

    And thanks :-)

    I hope we can both find a way through.

  6. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    29 May 2019 in reply to Saree_p
    Today has been shit.

    My purpose for existence and the one thing that has kept me going has been removed. I thought I would cope a lot better, but am not.

    Needless to say, the dark thoughts are there, worst than I thought possible. I simply do not know what to do. In between dissasociating, panic attacks, PTSD stuff, my purpose has been removed. Whats the fight for anymore?It's a battle between myself and my head. I know who is going to win this one out.
  7. blondguy
    Life Member
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    blondguy avatar
    11220 posts
    1 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Hi Saree

    I'm sorry to be a late poster in your thread.....You are in a lot of pain (anguish) and I understand what you are going through. Please dont 'fight' or 'battle' these thoughts/symptoms as it will only exacerbate your symptoms

    I was an idiot and didnt have regular therapy for 10 years thinking I could 'self heal'...It only made my anxiety worse. I thought that six monthly appointments were 'having' counseling....I was so wrong

    This is my 38th year with anxiety followed by clinical depression......and its a horrible place to be in even though in recovery and see my GP 4 weekly for a 'fine tune' as well as seeing my psychologist every quarter

    I really hope you can find some peace soon Saree

    you are not alone

    my kind thoughts

    Paul

  8. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    5771 posts
    1 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Hi Saree,

    Tagging your thread for now.

    One of your last posts in the other thread mentioned things that keep/kept you here. Some of those are things I identify with. Last Thu I was with my psychologist and had one on those breakthrough moments (I think). I am extremely self critical (and not used to self-compassion) for a number of reasons, but played that game of what you tell your younger self. I would find out that I think of myself as stupid, and that is a result of things from my school days. Despite that I have a Masters degree, started a BTh and now 1/2 through a counselling diploma. Part of this is to prove to myself and others that I am not stupid, plus I want to help others in a similar place to myself.

    Someone suggested I listen to Brene Brown. And I did. At one time she was looking for a therapist for herself. Her friends commented they would hate to her therapist. And again for myself, I can argue against myself quite well. So when it comes to self-compassion it feels forced for myself, and the mind can tell me not to believe it.

    Last bits on me... father, married, 2 teens and a cat and live in the city.

    The word in that post that interested me was vulnerability. I know that Brene wrote a book on this very topic. Now I won't ask you what terrifies you about it, but that would seem a tad early in our discussion. There is an ember inside you that has not gone out yet, and I hope that one day it will turn into fire so that your reasons to live return to you. If it is OK with you, I would like to chat with you about dreams, life and anything else that might come up. You story is worth telling and I am listening to you.

    Peace and comforting thoughts to you,

    Tim


    1 person found this helpful
  9. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    2 June 2019

    Hi Again,

    Thanks Paul, I am kind of completely over it at this point. Coffee with my family today made feel so much worse too.

    I came across Brene Brown a while ago myself - however, after you mentioned her yesterday, I did google and watch her. I sat and watched the Netflix special last night (instead of my impending assignment I just can't start) and I think it was the first time in ages I actually genuinely laughed.

    I will admit, I am the worst person for self-compassion. All I see is all that I could've done and what I haven't done. I do try to be ok with myself and do all that self-compassion stuff but then it just feels like an excuse and that really I should know and do better - if that makes any sense.

    Tim, I do not mind - at this point, I am happy to be guided in a conversation, I am aware I am not processing very well atm and may jump all over the place. the vulnerability is a heavy one lol, but I guess its the reason that people can not pick there is an issue - not even those I live with.

  10. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    2 June 2019

    So let me attempt to start


    Dreams

    Used to be - graduate from university with a PhD for neuro and clinical psychology. Set up services and I guess a ranch styled therapy centre specialising in teens with HFA and AS - extended to teens at 'risk'. The concept was a specific speciality I have done a lot of work in, but not to the exclusion of anyone. I never used to but got to envisioning sharing a life with someone, and a family. Owning/building a house with land, out in nature. Ultimately, I have seen what is wrong with the world and the pain it causes. I wanted to make a difference. I then realised that I was missing the human connection myself and wanted to share it with someone (thought that was my ex - long story lol).


    My life

    that is a can of worms if I am honest. It has been an extremely long journey and apparently I am still young. I defiantly don't feel it, and the exhaustion is there.
    I used to play four musical instruments (scholarship level, but dropped it all due to pressure and disapproval I wanted to follow academic pursuit). I played state level netball, enjoyed hockey for some time just for something different. I had an extensive library, slowly rebuilding it (despite my inability to currently read). I have multiple gaming consols (never have time, nor can I justify it).
    Currently - I relocated state, back to the family after relationship ended last year (this was a bad idea), I rent with a housemate who I support. I was studying my Master's in Social Work, but that has just been put on hold. I work in disability support, and I generally get landed with the "difficult clients". Not long ago I brought myself what I would deem a luxury car, but is probably modest by most standards - but for me, it was considered a dream car really.
    Ultimately everyday atm is filled with how much can I mask, how can remove or reduce the PTSD issues, and just trying to plan forward after everything has ended. I can't anymore I guess. The head in the sand approach I employed has ceased working.
    Is this kinda what you were asking? Sorry. Just started typing and yeah.

  11. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    5771 posts
    2 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Hi Saree_p,

    Just for reference, I see a psychologist periodically, and my conversation will generally go in different directions, getting part way through one story, the starting the next, and eventually getting back to the first (if I am lucky). It's a bit like a Billy Connolly show without the laughs, so if the conversation goes out somewhere then...

    It sounds like you have done a lot in your life so far - a PhD, now doing a Masters, and elite level sports. And I am guessing somewhere you would have to fit in work. And then there is your gaming consoles and car(s). Were these purchases part of that masking process of the PSTD issues? But you then said that you have no time to play the consoles.

    So with everything that did/do, I wonder if you had time to do things just for fun?

    Me... I am a software developer working from home for a company based overseas. Even though I am married, with kids, my day would start when I woke up and "ended" when it was time to make dinner, and if the phone rang after dinner, I would answer it phone. In short, there were no fun activities in my life. Even though I still in that role at the same place, I currently only work 4 days from an office I share with someone else. Working from home can be flexible, but over time it can be damaging to an individual. In my work, if customers had problems and support could not work it out, the issue would be given to me to resolve. At this stage the customer would also be agitated. While I was working, I was also doing 3-4 things at once. Like my dad, I was a workaholic but I was probably worse.

    I used to play MMOs, but like you have little time for that now. Plus there is also the that thing of rinse and repeat each level, just in a different setting/zone.

    Currently reading 3 books mainly cause I cannot decide which one to continue with. On the app I told you about I play the Sudoku games before bed as a way of relaxing. It also has word puzzles. Without that I used to wake up at 2am and think about work.

    Running out of space.

    So yes, what you wrote was sorta what I was asking, but did not expect you to do it so promptly. I generally throw out questions that remain unanswered. But that's cool.

    Consider this a connection in a virtual space?

    Tim

  12. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    2 June 2019 in reply to smallwolf
    Hi Tim,

    The dream was a PhD, haven't done - sorry to confuse. Should've done by now.

    I guess like you I don't do things for fun because can't seem to. I do exercise and try to keep physical health ok. Used to enjoy but don't anymore.
    Partly I think I simply do not enjoy things anymore - always struggled to anyways, just gotten 20 times worse.
    But I also know if I try to do things for me I feel guilty instantly.

    Car was an opportunity buy that my dad was kind of on at me about. I'm happy with it don't get me wrong. But yes, it was a mask. It was only a week later I was admitted for a severe PTSD episode. Literally lost 30 something hours I could not account for and didnt show for my responsibilities (out of character for me) so welfare check went out. Involuntary commitment n then fight for discharge - they wanted 3 months, I can't cope in hospitals. But yeah, now no help at all as CAT don't want to deal with me at all.
    Couldn't even make it in to my GP appointment last week. Just can't.
    But oh well. Back at work, masking, managing. Except for at night. I don't cope. Because a game between intellect and thoughts.

    Yeah I honestly am not reading atm, i should be, but yeah. Glad you are 😊

    Do you enjoy being with your family? Does it help?
  13. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    5771 posts
    2 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    The game between intellect and thoughts... Is that like you being able to logically answering a question and then thinking, "ummm, that's not quite right". There was one time I was with psychologist, and I mentioned the lyrics from a song, and she asked me if I thought I was deserving of forgiveness. Of course I answered YES, but then there was a pause and I said BUT, and we continued that conversation down the other road. The constant fight between the logical answer and what we might truly think is frustrating.

    On not reading... Can you listen to audio books? Was going to breakfast with someone last week and when we got into her car the audio book started playing (a little loudly!). I also convert pdf readings to mp3 so that I can listen to them on my phone.

    The questions you asked me ... Yes and No. Like today, after church someone asked me if I had ruffled some feathers in the LA group. I replied and said Yeah, and then explained what happened. To me there was or should have been no issue. But from there to the shops, I was fixating on why these people did not talk to me, who else did they tell? what did they say? being excluded! I felt that I could do no right because of the situation. Not sure if I was angry at the other persons, myself or both. But in these sorts of cases it is hard to the explain to the wife what I am feeling. Sometimes when I do explain some things, I don't really get any response, and I think that is cause they won't know how to respond (compared to my psych*). My wife also has a thyroid condition ...

    One thing my psych got me to do was related to walking. I have only been twice to the botanical gardens near my house, but it relaxing. While I might have my phone on me, there is no computer, no contact with staff, customers, family, etc.I can just walk around or sit on grass and watch the birds on the water. A time when I am truly at peace. My time.

    So my question to you...

    Do you know what it is that makes you feel guilty when you try to do something for yourself?

  14. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    2 June 2019 in reply to smallwolf
    Thanks Tim,

    Yeah your on the right path with fighting between intellect and internal. The fun one at night is literally sitting there and arguing with self about suicide.

    Audio books I have tried but struggled to keep focus. Maybe I should retry.
    I'm like either like a rabbit or sloth atm lol.

    Thyroid conditions can be tricky. Sorry congregation members are excluding you. Not a nice feeling i am sure.

    In answer to your question.... thought required here lol.
    Because it feels like a waste of time. Unless it's something I should be doing (work, study, exercise, obligations, eat), my time should be spent towards going somewhere- but where?
    I just don't feel I deserve the time.
    I really am struggling to explain, even with this non identifiable space. Sorry. I hate when I can explain what I mean.

    It's partly why I don't seek help, when I can articulate things I don't feel I need help and can fix it myself, but when I can't speak, I want to scream but literally can't even get words out. Irony much

    Sorry Tim
  15. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    2 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Hello Saree

    Just wanted to say thank you for sharing with Lilly. I am sorry you are going through such a horrible time much like Lilly.

    If you read my last post to Lilly you will see that I also really struggled with talking and expressing myself or even looking at people. Initially I tried group therapy, but found that too overwhelming.

    I understand you are waiting for support. I would encourage you to keep a journal in the meantime and consider taking this to the psychologist or counsellor so that you can get across what you are going through. I understand fully the frustration of not being able to speak because I have been there.

    I hope you will continue to find reasons to carry on. Help is out there. Stay safe & strong.

    Best wishes

    Jojo

  16. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    2 June 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    Hi Jojo,

    Thank you, I did. And thankyou to for replying to Lilly. I am sorry, I have not really replied to you directly - I struggle and compartmentalise. It is much easier for me to help someone, but I am aware I do not wish to add to someone else's plate, so I compartmentalise as much as I can (e.g. Lilly's feed is for Lilly).

    Thank you for your suggestion - can I please ask for your advice? I tend to find when I journal, I either have nothing to say or I go round and round in circles. Is there a way to keep this focused? In case you hadn't already guessed, on trouble is that I can literally write an essay (lol)

    Hope you are well Jojo

  17. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    2 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Hello Saree

    Don’t overthink journaling. Keep it simple it’s not much different to posting. You can stay focused by asking yourself a few relevant questions such as how you spent your day; what was positive; what was negative; rate your mood between 0&10; have a rant if you need to (but perhaps limit yourself to a maximum of a page a day rather than writing an essay!). You will soon find your rhythm.

    Good luck

    Jojo

  18. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    2 June 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    Thanks Jojo.

    I will do what I can. Unfortunately, tonight will not be the night to start (despite what I should do). I'll be honest it's not a good night.

    Thank you to both - I do apologise if I have wasted your time.

  19. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    2 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    You definitely have not wasted my time. I am always here to talk if and when you feel like it. Sorry you are having a terrible night. Remember you are not alone. Be gentle with yourself and stay safe.

    Try and put on your to do list for tomorrow to buy yourself a new journal and a spiffy pen to match.

    Wishing you well

    Jojo

  20. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    3 June 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    Thanks Jojo,

    I know I need to just make it through tonight, get to work for training, then work/sleepover and work - I have considered suicide during shifts, but the knowledge people are relying on me means I can not do it.

    But I also know that if I simply do not show, I will be missed but not irreplaceable lol.

    I do simply want to scream right now, I know I am nonverbal again - Jojo, how'd you get through this?

    Tim, I am so so sorry. This is what it distils down to, an intelligent person that can not change jack shit. I have an IQ of 156 (apparently), yet I can not stop this crap. Instead, I view it as a curse. I remember nearly everything and what I do not remember I am scared about. I get treated like an idiot becuase of struggles, and then shunned because too difficult.

    Both of you, what the f do I do? I have the means, the knowledge, and ability. I just know I am not supposed to - but why do we listen to that? I know intellectually this is supposed to pass, but I also know intellectually that it won't and it will get worse. I can't anymore, I just can't. What would you do?

  21. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    5771 posts
    3 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Hi Saree_p,

    As JoJo said, you are not wasting our time, so please do not feel you have to apologise. I hope the night went OK and today is a new day...

    You mentioned the arguing with yourself about suicide - for me and last year, this was when I needed to use that app I mentioned in the other thread. Sometimes it would take some time for a tool to work for me. One of the tools was a word search. I was somewhat disbelieving about when I first used it, and I did have to play it repeatedly but worked, and I worked out that you were only looking for positive words like

    yes, courage, compassion, etc.

    Not sure if you like that sort of thing? I know that some things/tools do not work for me.

    In your answer to my last question about feeling guilty, in your reply you mentioned that you felt your time should be spent moving somewhere. If I said to you that by doing something for yourself, like sitting in the botanical gardens, that time would be allowing yourself to heal (allowing your inner self to move forward)? (I know that for myself slowing down is hard, yet necessary.)

    Was there a time when you have allowed yourself to do something just for yourself?

    Peace and comforting thoughts,

    Tim

  22. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    3 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    Get a pillow and scream into it and when you are finished give it a few good punches too and let your frustration out. This really works and doesn’t hurt anyone! It’s such a release.

    If I were you I would go and talk to my GP or write down what you need to say and take it with you. It must be so hard trying to keep it all together. Take your mask off for your GP. Let your feelings out. It’s not healthy bottling everything up and pretending to everyone that things are okay.

    It doesn’t mean you will end up in hospital. It might mean you will get help sooner. Are you waiting to see a psychologist or counsellor?

    Stay safe & strong. My thoughts are with you.

    Jojo

  23. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    3 June 2019

    Hi Tim and Jojo,

    I am so sorry, I did mean to let you know that I made it through the night. Poor excuse I know, but I just could not get up this morning until I had to get up and get housemate to the doctors and to work. Slack I know.

    Jojo, I see a new GP tomorrow. I honestly have no idea how I will go or how much I will be able to divulge at all. I didn't really had a GP for a while, and the practice I was visiting was a waste of time. I honestly did not think I would make it through to the doctors appointment. Now that I have I am not sure I can do it.

    Tim - I am still trying with the app, sometimes it takes me a while to adjust. I honestly struggle with the concept you proposed. I'll try to elaborate, why is there something wrong with me that I have to do that? why can I not cope? why am I so useless? what is wrong with me! I have never done things for myself really - I always try to keep others happy etc

    Sorry guys, so sorry

  24. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    3 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    You don’t have to say sorry and you were not slack you had things to do which is good.

    I would strongly encourage you to keep the appointment with your GP tomorrow. Is there someone who could go along with you for support? I hate the waiting for an appointment and would advise taking something along to distract you such as your phone for games or plug into music to try and tune out where you are.

    I mentioned before it is worth writing down exactly what you want to say and take this with you. You only have to share as much as you feel comfortable with, but please try not to make out you are fine because clearly you are not. You desperately need support.

    Considering you have the strength to still go to work I have confidence in you to make this appointment tomorrow, although I realise it is a different kind of challenge.

    You can do it - what have you got to lose? Take care of yourself & stay safe. Wishing you well and will be thinking of you tomorrow.

    Jojo

  25. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    3 June 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    Thanks Jojo,

    It's where compartmentalised worlds are fine - Literally I ended up hospitalised and everyone was shocked because no one knew what was going on.

    Unfortunately there is no one I can take - Instead I will be supporting someone else tomorrow for work and then personally for an appointment they have, I then have a half hour turn around. Tomorrow will either go well or really badly. I obviously didn't manage to get a diary today, today did not go to plan at all.

    I do know I need help, but I do not know how to do the being honest etc without pulling the mask down. Pulling the mask down means a chaotic mess who should not be working, but I have already lost my study, if I loose work to I will literally have nothing left.

    I know it all sounds stupid and weird, guess just so good at the mask. It's hard to explain too. I am sorry.

    But you are right, I know its not good. I can't keep safe anymore - I do wonder how others can't see this. lol.

  26. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    293 posts
    3 June 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    Hi saree ,

    Good luck tomorrow with the gp. You are stronger than you realise.

    Lilly.

  27. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    1144 posts
    3 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    You mentioned somewhere you are very good at taking care of everyone else and I can see this is certainly true. However, there comes a time when you have to put yourself first - it is not selfish, but self care, especially considering what you are going through.

    There is no reason for you to go into hospital or give up work provided you can conduct yourself in a reasonable manner. That does not mean you are not allowed to be emotional. I have cried my eyes out at many a GP or psych appointment which was perfectly reasonable and healthy at that time, without being put in hospital. You are clearly willing to accept support which goes a long way in your favour.

    What do you expect from the GP? They are not mind readers so you will have to share something that is relevant to where you are at. I sense you are capable of finding a way to do this without losing the safety of the mask completely.

    Because it is the first appointment with this GP it is naturally a bit daunting, but most GPs realise new patients often feel a certain degree of anxiety and they will try to put you at ease.

    I hope you manage to make the appointment and I hope it goes well because something has to change for you Saree. You can do this, you can get over this hurdle.

    Take care & talk to you soon

    Jojo

  28. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    3 June 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    Thanks Lilly and Jojo.

    Jojo, I really don't know what to expect. I was doing ok, yeah suicidal but ok, and then PTSD symptoms went into overdrive, and anxiety/depression sky rocketed and the next thing I knew I was having full disassociation episodes triggered by flash backs, sounds, or just anything. I wound up being forcibly hospitalised due to not attending university (out of character) and then yeah. Long story short, the only way I could get out was if I agreed to follow up with CAT team and a treatment plan for trauma. However what has ended up happening is very different, and I sit in this fun little world of if I don't do anything it wont matter, but I was supposed to (and I keep my word as a rule), but if I don't keep my word does it really matter. So what do I expect, I really do not know anymore. I have felt so far beyond help and this recent experience further cemented that. But then I feel like a hypocrite and my logical side will argue all the valid reasons and this will help etc.

    Maybe that is the answer Jojo, I seek the answer of validation. One way or another.

    I know they are not mind readers, but I also have never really been honest or open with anyone about stuff. I think the most I have managed is a factual blurt like a chef reading an order docket. As soon as you mention truama history, it is like a frenzy day.

    I did have half a mind to take in the Involuntary Order that was written up so the GP could read through, but then know the judgement between the written version vs the person sitting in front of him.

    Sorry Jojo, I may have made a complete ramble of that, sorry. I guess I am scared. I a) do not really want to go or do this, but know I can not simply just keep going, but b) I am terrified of being left to my own devices to sort this out. So quite simply, if there is no real plan of action etc, I know I can not continue this way anymore.

    I honestly have half a mind to delete all that I have typed, but I won't - typing it has been the first thing that has calmed my anxiety slightly all day.

  29. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    5771 posts
    4 June 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Me again,

    I noticed from your last post that you wonder why people did not see what was happening. My answer to that is the we are good at wearing a mask, and if we are really down, others might not care (?) to ask, or don't know what to ask. There was a time recently when my father was so down that he figured he was better off dead. While I could see that things were not good for him, and we spoke about getting help, it was hard for him to open up. The day he told me, was the same day that he told the doctor, and mum was with him at the time. Later that day, mum commented to me that she did not know he was that bad. What you cannot see....

    You said that you would have problems being honest...In some ways you are being honest in what you put in your posts. While you won't go into any details, and that's OK, it sounds like you are wrestling with some big issues. And if you have high standards of yourself, and now see yourself as broken, then your other thoughts are natural. And I would ask you the question, that if you were to get help, why would you lose your job? You are smart, and I would guess good at your job? So...

    Brene Brown also spoke about vulnerability. But I think you might know that already. Her TED talk(s) are on YouTube if you are interested. Let me know what you think?

    Tim

  30. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    668 posts
    4 June 2019 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim,

    I am good at my job, hence why I still have it. I did take a massive step back career-wise when moved state, but I enjoy my work. The issue is it is demanding work that generally has the potential to set off a lot of PTSD issues.

    My boss was contacted upon my admission to hospital so it could be found out how I had broken down so quickly and badly - without my permission, I will add. However, because I kept everything hidden, no one knew there were issues - so this resulted in me being reined into the office upon my return. Whilst they never want me to go - I have been assured, the question of liability comes into play. They simply could not believe I could deal with what they deem a crisis situation literally 4 days before my admission, and then become such a mess. And the reality I live in a small community and word travels far, so how much am I going to damage the company.

    My work will work with me, but I reassured them everything was ok and I would flag issues if need be. I can't afford for anything less than I am 100% to get back to them really.

    I am as honest as I can be in my posts, I do not feel I need to keep a mask up - it is easier. I am not sure why. Every time I try to do this with actual people (as in visibly seen), my default is to hide it and be a bit of a jester. So I could try to do the breakdown in front of people, but unless its already occurred - which means I am not going anywhere and can not move. Then I can not seem to get the mask down.

    Thanks Tim, I did go down the rabbit whole with BB :-) I do tend to do that. She is amazing and right - I just do not know how to.

    Hopefully that all makes sense Tim

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