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Topic: Really struggling

  1. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    171 posts
    7 July 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    Dear saree,

    I was just thinking how cool Jojo and I would look in a speed boat. Wind in our hair , bouncing Across the waves . Like female bond agents . Not sure who will drive . I wonder if Jojo has a boat licence ?

    lilly 🌸

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    7 July 2019 in reply to Lilly99
    Wonderful friends,

    You made me laugh emensly Lilly. Thank you so so much. Xx

    I am actually feeling really scared and extremely down, struggling to mask big time.

    Bf is wonderful, just feel like a fraud.

    I am also scared that he only liked the manic version of me. I do need to get treatment. Just scared this will increase n be worse before I can.

    Thank you wonderful friends

    Lots of love,
    Saree
  3. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    171 posts
    7 July 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    Dear saree,

    Jojo and I could play mission impossible music . But our mission wouldn’t be impossible because we have girl power.

    There is everything to like about you Saree . People have to like the good and the bad anyway . None of us are perfect .

    Lilly 🌸

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Lilly99
    Lilly99 avatar
    171 posts
    7 July 2019 in reply to Lilly99

    p.s

    If I drive the boat please don’t tell Jojo that there are going to be ski ramps involved. It’s our secret .

    Thinking of you saree

    Lilly 🌺

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    8 July 2019 in reply to Lilly99
    Lilly,
    Thank you so much!

    Last night was ironically a wonderful night. My bf is amazing. We talked. I shared the history stuff, so he can understand family dynamics, and as we shared info I let him know about the current bipolar diagnosis that's undergoing. I thought it was only fair as he is quite serious about us, as am I. He asked questions, I gave him an out n said I'd understand completely, but said he'd be there.
    Don't think I stopped panicking, to which he made the statement, I want to be with you and all that that includes.
    This morning I got coffee'd and keyed. Plus desert he made for me to take to work.
    I've never ever ever been honest with anyone about stuff. My ex would've blamed me for everything and I'd be a nutcase.

    And this is the real shitty thing. Despite all this wonderful wonderful things, I still feel extremely low.

    I wasn't keen on treatment at all Jojo, I do enjoy the manic emensly. But then the current realisation of how it looks and then the lows that ruin the most wonderful things. Feel so guilty.

    Talking to dad yesterday for 5 mins, apparently he was extremely worried on friday, he said the rapid speed was extreme and it reminded him of times during my teens and over the years, he said it then always goes down hill and he had made the correlation between that and suicide attempts. Whilst dad might not be good at being there, he apparently observed more than I realised.

    Oh wonderful friends, I will be there till January, unless someone can take over the lease. I think the sad thing is he thinks this is how friends operate, yet clearly it's other shit. Think he is also really shitty at me for the manic state.

    I'm going to try and ring the GP as soon as they open and see if I can get in before working this arvo.

    Thank you for the support dear lovely friends. Xx

    Jojo, any wisdom you can give me please do as always - the concept of this diagnosis is scaring me.

    Lilly, I value you so much. It humour is very similar to mine xx

    Saree
  6. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    655 posts
    8 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    That’s wonderful news that you have been able to open up to your bf and he is so accepting. He sounds like he will be a good support for you. I am so happy for you.

    Did you manage to see your GP today?

    Hope your housemate gets over himself and stops being a pain. Enjoy your new relationship and try to ignore your housemate.

    Don’t get mad at me, but I still think you should keep the appointment with the CAT team - please reconsider. Hopefully they can recommend some appropriate medication to stabilise your moods.

    Take care xox

    Your friend Jojo 🌼

  7. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    8 July 2019 in reply to Jojo100
    Thanks Jojo,

    I guess I figured if its going where I think it is, everything needs to be on the table. Nothing sexual happened, but because we snuggled and I stayed the night, he woke each time I startled awake. It needs to be known and I can't hide it when that close. Plus I don't want to get close and be hurt. It just feels so right, except second voice kept questioning it all night.

    Snapped at housemate.

    Couldn't get into GP as she wasn't there today. Won't be able to get in around work now till Thursday or Friday. But then do I do CAT team at that point. Clconsidering how unhelpful CAT team have been i dont know whatll change. Might ring GP and try and book tomorrow.

    The whole purpose of CAT team was to manage etc, but honestly psychiatrist shouldve started something Wednesday, he only didn't because CAT were supposed to see me before Friday.

    Jojo, I think I'm swinging back into manic. Apparently speech is rapid again and I can't sit still. I am actually starting to feel scared. This has never ever happened. I don't think I have any control over it at all.

    Sorry Jojo,

    Thanks As always,
    Saree
  8. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    655 posts
    8 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    Try and do your exercises to burn up some of the energy you have and do things that tire you out so hopefully you will end up sleeping.

    Try your hardest to slow down and not talk excessively. Go back to your GP and let her know how things are now.

    Stay safe & calm

    With love your friend Jojo 🌼

  9. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    8 July 2019 in reply to Jojo100
    Will do what I can Jojo,

    Sleepover tonight at work so a little harder. Work straight through till tomorrow. Night/arvo.

    Will try and keep CAT appointment I think, just doubt it'll helpful at all...
    Thanks Jojo,
    Saree
  10. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    655 posts
    9 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    How are you going tonight? Did you manage to catch up with your GP?

    I am so glad you have your bf to support you with your mental health issues. That is gold. Friends can make a world of difference in our life.

    Hope you have better luck with the CAT team on Thursday xox

    With love your friend Jojo 🌼

  11. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    10 July 2019 in reply to Jojo100

    Sorry for tardy response Jojo.

    The night didn't go well at all. Haven't gotten into GP.

    Ended up in a massive fight with my sister last night. Guess wasn't really a fight, more a one-way blame session. Really wasn't good.

    Basically after dealing with mum and mum lying etc as she always does, meeting up with another bf. We went back to hers to discuss, and I thought why not mention about the bipolar as I don't notice the swings and they could probably watch out for them.

    a) got informed that everyone had suspected bipolar since I was 15-16, but apparently no one felt it was a good idea to get me help or support. Apparently, this was my fault cause I would never have listened.

    b) my sister got raped in grade 10 and blames me for not being able to tell anyone. She then preceded to tell me I needed to stop blaming mum (I don't blame mum, I just do not forgive her). I tried to explain this but she wouldn't listen, and I got yeah hammered. So I got up to leave etc, she ended up following me and yelling at me in the st. I left as soon as I could.

    So its affirmed where I stand in my family, removes false delusions of any help or support from them.

    I am upset at myself because I literally have stood there thinking you are giving me this about being raped once when you were a lot older, and running the comparisons. I got angry and upset. I hate myself so much right now.

    And to top it all off, I got home at 1 in the morning and Tinsel ran out the door. she hasn't come back either.

    Sorry dear friends,

    Saree

  12. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    655 posts
    10 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    Don’t hate yourself. I am so sorry about what happened with your family. It sounds to me like they are not capable of the support that you need or are looking for.

    I had a similar problem with my family. I asked them to contact mental health services on my behalf if they thought I was unwell. They failed to do so on a few occasions which caused me a lot of grief.

    Has your sister had counselling regarding the rape? It sounds like she needs it. Just remember it was not your fault, you are not to blame.

    Hope things go well with the CAT team tomorrow.

    Tinsel will come back when she’s hungry. Try not to worry. Be gentle with yourself and get some rest xox

    With love your friend Jojo 🌼

  13. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    655 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    Just wondering how you are feeling today.

    Did you see the CAT team?

    Hope things are going better for you than last night. Did Tinsel come back?

    Take good care of yourself xox

    With love your friend Jojo 🌼

  14. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Jojo100
    Hi Jojo,
    I did see the CAT Team. Feel so stupid atm. One of them hates me, it's clear. The other one was asking the stupid questions. I basically got in trouble by the one that hates me for being referred again. One was trying to be kind and compasionate, but obviously yeah. Feel like a waste of time and a problem.
    I left within 15 mins, basically ran out of there.
    They said they'd ring tomorrow after talking to psychiatrist. But basically have no idea what is going on. Over it Jojo.
    Tinsel came back last night.

    This arvo I am back to flipping between "manic" n tired/down. Not sure what's happening. But didn't and really couldn't talk to CAT team. Started having a few delusions today again.

    Bf birthday dinner tomorrow, collecting people from airport after work.

    I don't know Jojo.

    Sorry
  15. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    655 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    Don’t feel stupid- if anything feel angry at the CAT team for failing you yet again! I am amazed and really puzzled why they are not helping you. Well I hope they do follow through and contact you tomorrow after speaking to the psychiatrist.

    You probably need meds to steady the ship get you back on an even keel. Who has the authority to do that for you - is it just the psychiatrist or can the CAT team do that too?

    I am so glad Tinsel returned to you as that’s one less thing to worry about.

    Enjoy your bf’s dinner tomorrow night xox

    With love your friend Jojo 🌼

  16. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Jojo100
    Thanks Jojo,

    I meant the psychiatrist of the CAT Team, not the one I saw.
    I purely think they feel I am a waste of their time, some do some don't. But obviously I've done something somewhere, don't know what.
    The one who was slightly nicer shut down the other a few times, who kinda went on the attack.

    GP is on holidays.

    Not real sure what to do anymore. Feel quite alone with it all. And really don't want to drag anyone else down or into it. Not after Tuesday night.

    Sorry Jojo.

    Maybe the private psychiatrist got it wrong.
  17. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    655 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    I think you wish the private psychiatrist got it wrong. However, you mentioned your Dad noticed your behaviour at the party and your family have apparently suspected bipolar since you were a teenager. Also You have shared with me your rapid mood swings. So there is something there that needs to be addressed.

    Wait and see what the CAT team have to say tomorrow. (Cross everything 🤞🏻). I forgot to ask you did you ever get an MRI done?

    Can you share what has happened with your bf? He sounds like he would be very supportive.

    Stay safe & strong xox

    With love your friend Jojo 🌼

  18. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Jojo100
    I just feel so stupid again, always do after CAT team. It's like nothing is wrong and I am making it up. But I'm aware I don't want to be dealing with them when feeling good.

    No I haven't booked it in yet, procrastinating I guess.

    He is Jojo, and he knows about the psychiatrist appointment. But I am also a little scared to divulge too much atm. I really don't want to loose him, he has been calming me down a lot - he doesn't know this lol. Apparently I do similar for him, but I can't loose this. I just thought if I could get some stability and foundation with it, he'd know what to do. But cause no one can tell me I have no idea. No one has even told me which type it is or anything. I'm actually guessing they don't know what to do.

    Doubt the CAT psychiatrist will be much help. He bounced me out of his office last time. Yet again, feel like a pain. Did say today what would be the point, due to past time.... Jo (nicer CAT lady
  19. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    11 July 2019
    Promised me there was a point. It'd be helpful this time with medication that worked.

    I want to give up Jojo. I just want this to all go away.
  20. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    655 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    Sorry Saree this is not going to go away or disappear. However, I know how strong and resilient you are as you have been dealing with these symptoms for quite some time.

    The problem is they seem to be getting worse and are definitely not under control. You do need help and proper support which seems rather thin on the ground where you are!

    If I were you I would be putting in a complaint about the treatment you have received because it’s just not good enough. Makes my blood boil!

    Is your GP back next week?

    Take good care of yourself xox

    With love your friend Jojo 🌼

  21. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Jojo100
    Sorry Jojo,

    She is back week after. Appointment 25th, didn't push cause all seems to not be moving etc.

    Yeah well, it seemed like they wanted me to crash again so can commit me under mental health act. Jo made the comment if u keep going much longer you will crash and we will place you under mental health act and commit you for a long time. Not sure if was scare tactic or what.

    Thought about it Jojo, just not even sure how. Just wish someone would tell me what's going on and step me through it.

    Feel so lost Jojo.
  22. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    655 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    Is the appointment on the 25th with the psychologist?

    I don’t see how they can detain you under the mental health act if you present well. However, if you fall apart with the stress of everything then I suppose they might be able to, I don’t really know as I have never been in that position.

    Are you still okay to function at work?

    Your friend Jojo 🌼

  23. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Jojo100
    That was the point I think Jojo, Jo was an ex nurse at the hospital and remembered me from 12 years ago. She remembers the lows I had. Her point was I'd crash and it'd be extreme due to the prolonged high and they would be able to.
    I'm yet to go to hospital optionally.

    I'm functioning Jojo, struggling to stay focused, really flighty and people keep asking me to repeat myself. Right now. Probably not functioning but have to.
    Doing meds course, company paying for + being propositions to be team leader. No idea why. Apparently logical and neutral.
    Stressed about tomorrow and weekend.

    Jojo, why can't this just go away. I've been able to do well for periods of time. It's always been a struggle but isn't that life. Why so bad now?
  24. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Jojo100
    Sorry Jojo,
    Didn't answer your question.
    25th is GP.
    23rd is psychologist. But CAT team didn't want me seeing that one and honestly not sure the go now diagnosis has changed etc. But guess I won't know now
  25. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    655 posts
    11 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    I think things are probably bad now because you push yourself so hard with long shifts, very little sleep and sometimes you forget to eat. I don’t know how you keep going. I would say everything has just caught up with you. Much as you would like to be, you are not Wonderwoman!

    Try not to stress about tomorrow or the weekend. Are you worried about your bf’s birthday dinner? Or is it about the CAT team?

    Maybe once this busy roster is finished you could take some time off and voluntarily go into hospital get things sorted once and for all? I just worry you will crumble and end up being forced in under the mh act.

    I know you find hospital very unpleasant but at least you have some control if you are voluntary. Think about it. It will be a huge challenge and take courage, but I think you could handle it.

    Wishing you a good nights sleep 💤

    With love your friend Jojo 🌼

  26. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    12 July 2019 in reply to Jojo100
    Hi Jojo,

    Worried about both.

    I am crashing. Energy is going, feel panicked all the time.

    We will be picking up family member from airport etc, and dinner. It's gonna be a very full weekend.
    Have said I need to go home tomorrow night after work.

    No idea why feel so so panicky.

    Sorry Jojo.
  27. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    12 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p
    Just an update Jojo,

    Didn't speak to CAT team, just receptionist. Psychiatrist booked for Tuesday.

    Really feel like a burden.
  28. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    655 posts
    12 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    Well done for speaking to the receptionist and getting an appointment with the psychiatrist for Tuesday.

    Could you try some deep breathing for the feelings of panic you are having see if that helps?

    Do you know why you are worried about the birthday dinner? Is it because your not your bouncy self or are you just really tired? At least you have your bf for support. Let him know your fears, let him help.

    Take care & hope the dinner goes well.

    With love your friend Jojo 🌼

  29. Saree_p
    Saree_p avatar
    284 posts
    12 July 2019 in reply to Jojo100
    Sorry Jojo,
    Because exhausted. Struggling to mask.
    Managed. Very well apparently.

    I don't know Jojo, I'm sorry. Have been doing deep breathes. Just dreaded sense.

    Guess just make it to Tuesday and be patronized again.

    Sorry Jojo
  30. Jojo100
    Jojo100 avatar
    655 posts
    13 July 2019 in reply to Saree_p

    Dear Saree

    How are you feeling today?

    Glad you made it through the bday dinner. Are you managing to get any rest at all?

    What do you need from the psychiatrist on Tuesday?

    With love your friend Jojo 🌼

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