Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Topic: Sad musings

  1. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    23 November 2019 in reply to Birdy77
    Darling friend, beautiful b (and a wave to all),

    I’m holding my hand out to you. Would you like to share anything about what has been going?

    You sound very down and drained at the moment. I’m here listening, but I also understand if you want to sort things out yourself/let the cycle run its course or simply don’t need or want to talk about it right this minute. That’s all of course okay too.

    Whatever you need...I’m sitting quietly beside you & thinking about you...you have a friend in me is what I’m trying to say.

    Thankfully, I have the weekend to myself this week. A welcome change :)

    The art thing was good last week. It helped a lot in terms of coping with my own emotions, so I’m very grateful that I went.

    The week has gone by very quickly. It has been a rough week, but I’ve survived so many other ones...this is unfortunately just another one to get through.

    I think it’s very caring & wise that you check in with your parents about their plans for the future. It’s good to have those types of conversations, difficult as they may be...

    It made me feel really sad to hear about your worries for the future though. It must be scary to feel as though you don’t have a security blanket/safety net in years to come..

    Lovely friend, your little community sounds like a great idea. I know you were all joking, but I also think it wasn’t a complete “joke.” I actually think something like that could work beautifully. Seriously.

    We have a concept in many Asian cultures called “filial piety.” In many ways, things are changing because a lot of other cultural ideals are influencing/re-shaping what that means.

    But at its core, it’s about offspring’s “duty” to our parents. But in some cases that extends to other older relatives too, such as aunts, uncles, godparents, etc. That is especially the case if they don’t have children, their own children passed away or if their children live far away. But the extent that it’s executed does vary between individuals & between families....

    Traditionally, an important part of that duty is taking care of our elderly relatives. For that reason, nursing homes/aged care facilities are rare in my extended family’s countries of birth.

    I haven’t been getting into the choreography yet. Maybe later on, but not just yet...I’ll let you know how it goes, my friend...

    Will you be doing anything relaxing or making some time for self care to nurture your beautiful self this weekend?

    Thinking of you.

    With warmth, love and care xoxox
    1 person found this helpful
  2. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9807 posts
    24 November 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Hello Gentle Peppy, Sweety Tweety..waves Deebi..and everyone..🤗..

    I love the sound of your little community Birdie...Everyone looking out for everyone else...and living in peace and unison with some animals...self sufficient...It’s really a beautiful dream Birdy....

    Peppy...I’m pleased you had the weekend off work and had the two days for yourself to do what you desired to do.....I hope you really enjoyed them...and made time for you to do something special you wanted to do...for you...

    I think it’s beautiful the way different cultures look after their elderly parents, aunts,uncles, etc...It shows so much love and care within the family unit towards each other...I wish everyone would love their family members enough to not put them into a nursing home or aged care unit...

    Please take care of yourselves and be as gentle and kind to yourselves the way you would be towards each other...and your friends...

    Kind thoughts..with love and warm comforting hugs..💜🤗..

    Grandy....

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    25 November 2019 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi gorgeous Grandy (& a wave to all),

    How lovely is it to see you here. Thank you so much for visiting. I love seeing those angel wings :)

    Yes, it was nice to have the weekend off. Technically, I am meant to have weekends off work, but in practice, that just doesn’t always happen.

    I spent a day continuing to read about resilience, as that’s one of my recent fixations. Then I spent the other day with some of the new people in my life, which was nice.

    Yes, I agree that it’s interesting to learn about cultural similarities and differences. I think growing up in multiple cultures can give you an interesting perspective on things; a dual perspective of sorts.

    I suppose, as with all cultures, there are always pros and cons. Asian cultures tend to be more collectivist, as opposed to individualistic. So ideals, such as group harmony and putting the needs of the group (e.g. family and sometimes even the community) ahead of your own needs is considered very important.

    I try to adopt elements of both western and eastern ideals, but sometimes I do feel inner conflict. I suppose that’s a common struggle for us second generation Australians.

    I hope you have a lovely day, Grandy. Thank you again for your kind words of support.

    Love and care to you, angel wings xoxo

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    25 November 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Hello friend ❤ hi Grandy 🤗

    I'm so pleased to hear that you had the weekend to do as you liked - and that you spent some time reading and also caught up with some of your new friends. Sounds like a good mix.

    I am sorry to hear you had another rough week though my friend. I am always listening if you'd like to talk about anything.

    It's good that you often seem to have things planned around the end of the week to look forward to or to help sort through the difficulties of the week, like the art things and other things you attend. It sounds like a healthy strategy.

    I'd love to hear about the choreography when yiu get into it, and any other things you get up to.

    I like the respect that filial piety is based on. Disregard for the elderly is way too common.

    I do feel a sense of fear for the future, especially not having children of my own - a little community like i mentioned would be ideal in a lot of ways, and i agree that it can definitely work beautifully. Maybe one day it will become a reality, who knows.

    I had a nice weekend, didn't do much, revamped a section of veg patch, planted some seeds (silverbeet, beetroot, carrot), planted out some seedlings of zucchini, watched the corn and the asparagus grow before my very eyes! Chilled on the back deck with mrs b and the boys, that kind of thing.

    I hope you have a better week coming up my friend - i do worry about you having such a rough time so often.

    Thinking of you.

    🌻b xo

    Hugs to Grandy xo
    2 people found this helpful
  5. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    25 November 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

    I’m very happy to hear that you spent a relaxing weekend with your gorgeous family: mrs b & your boys. Quality family time :)

    It must have been very special to watch the corn & asparagus grow. I think you’re going to have a very colourful garden. I love hearing about your gardening progress, as I know how much peace and joy that brings you.

    I hope your little community, or something similar, becomes a reality for you. That would be something very special, and how magical would it be for your to be self sustaining...I recall that’s one of your long-term goals ;)

    Thank you, I think filial piety has its pros & cons (as with almost all things in life). But that’s a bit long winded to explain, so I’ll leave that one be.

    Thank you so very much for making time for me & for caring, lovely friend. Sadly, it’s just one of those situations where nothing can be done in a practical sense...but that’s okay, life is hard for everyone (not just me).

    Although, I figure if I can turn my pain into something meaningful (I’m not sure what yet and I don’t necessarily mean the arts either), that would help.

    Was it the world renowned psychologist & holocaust survivor, Victor Frankl, who once said that if we have a “why”, we can bear almost any “how”? I think it was him. Wise man.

    So I just need to figure out my “why?”or maybe I need to trial/experiment to figure out my “why.” Sometimes I wish the “answer” would magically appear before my eyes, but that’s just not how it works. I have to figure it out myself, because only I can answer that for myself...

    Do you have plans for the week? Family adventures? Gardening plans? I always love to hear about how things are going in your life, dear friend.

    Thank you for your friendship :)

    Much love xoxox

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    26 November 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Howdy Friend ❤

    I understand, some things just "are", and you don't necessarily feel like talking about them. I get it completely. But i am always listening if you ever feel like talking about any thing, big or little, that's going on in your life.

    Yes, to find meaning amongst the difficulties and struggles of our life can give us a reason for enduring them. Awesome quote by an inspiring man. You will find your why, or your whys, even if they change a hundred times during your life.

    I can imagine filial piety would have its fair share of cons as well as pros! I'm sure you probably have plenty of examples, and feel free to muse if you want to.

    I reckon we might have recently been dealing with an example of a con (although a different culture, being south american, i feel it might be a little similar in some ways) with a substantial debt that mrs b's mother left behind.

    For decades, she would send money "back home" to siblings, aunts, uncles, at the expense of mrs b and her sister's upbringing (her family of origin before her offspring). I understand this concept, and she was brought up to feel this was the right thing to do.

    Meanwhile, she put mrs b last in a lot of ways during mrs b's formative years, especially when golden boy came along.

    But who has to deal with the debt that has been racked up from the loans taken out to "send home " all this time? We do! But we're end of the line, have no contact with these people etc. Annoying!

    Anyway, i wonder if you feel that this might kind of relate?

    I bought a crepe myrtle to plant in the front yard, so I'm hoping to pop that in some time this week and start a new garden bed out there, but it's really hot and very windy here, so it won't be today. I have just finished creating a little courtyard on the south side of the house, which I'm really happy with, it is now a really nice place to sit as there's an old magnolia tree there and it's cool and shady.

    That's about the extent of my exciting news for now.

    I hope you have had a good day today, and can relax a bit this evening, do you have any plans this week for events or socialising?

    Love,

    🌻b xo
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    26 November 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

    Thank you, as always, for your caring & supportive words. Thank you for making time for me. I’m very blessed by your friendship :)

    I agree that filial piety is both a beautiful, but loaded & heavy concept. It really just depends on the family & context, I suppose...

    It sounds as though mrs b was sidelined & chosen last a lot growing up. I imagine that would have hurt your beloved a lot. But now she has you, as you have her, & that’s very special ;)

    I would think maybe there would have even been some (understandable) feelings of resentment & bitterness, mixed with grief & loss towards her mum. A painful combination of feelings, but human & real....

    Not that I know much about South American culture, but I take it that family of origin is very important? In that sense, you’re right, it’s similar to many eastern cultures in that respect..

    Her mum’s debt sounds very stressful for you & mrs b to have to pay off. That’s a very heavy burden. I can sense your justifiable & understandable feelings of injustice, resentment & anger...maybe it’s almost like paying off a stranger’s debt. Very frustrating...

    I think, for me, it’s that feeling of inner conflict that I struggle with. Being torn between multiple ways of thinking at times..

    A sense of loyalty/duty towards the older family members sometimes clashes with my tendency to analyse & reflect. So I pick my battles. I let some things slide, & only stand my ground on issues that I truly believe in. But that of course always results in me hearing a long sermon about filial piety.

    Group harmony or individual needs? Prioritising the group or prioritising the self? I think neither is better or worse; it’s just a matter of perspective...individualism & collectivism, & even within each, it’s a continuum. Degrees, not absolutes, in my opinion

    It has been a rough day, but I’ve survived it ;) I wanted to burst into tears at work, but held back. I might have a little cry tonight...

    I’ll be going out for dinner later this week, & working on the project with Community Guy & everyone else :)

    I can just picture your courtyard, & it will be particularly wonderful during the summer months. A place for the whole family to make cherished memories :)

    I think your myrtle & garden bed will be stunning additions. Your garden is going to look spectacular!

    How has your mood been this week & let me know about any future home/garden upgrades?

    Thinking of you...

    With love xoxox

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    30 November 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Hello my friend ❤

    I am just letting you know that i am here for you, sitting with you, always listening if you want to talk, sitting in support if you don't.

    I am so sorry you've been having rough days.

    Has there been any light shining through? How was your dinner/project organising with your new friends this week?

    I hope you have the weekend to rest and take care of yourself.

    I am here.

    With love,

    🌻b xo
    1 person found this helpful
  9. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    1 December 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

    Thank you for being here for me. That really means a lot for you to make time to check on me, & to offer to sit and/or listen...what a blessing is your friendship :)

    Sadly, some things/circumstances can’t be changed. There are things that can’t be undone, which leaves a heavy feeling.

    There are things that I wish that could be different, but literally cannot be changed...such is life sometimes, my friend...

    But what I can change & what I have the power to work on is myself. Not because anyone else is telling me to “change” this time, but because I want to...I suppose maybe the light is, if nothing else, I have some control over my own life.

    Sometimes I think it’s easy to point the finger & accuse others of various things, & while all that might be justified, I feel it can be very hypocritical if I don’t also take a good, hard look at myself in the mirror. Not in a self critical way, but in a realistic way...a growth mindset.

    Perhaps the following quotes sum it up better than I ever could:

    Real growth is when you start checking and correcting yourself. Instead of blaming others, you take your power back by being responsible for your own life.

    - unknown

    Emotional maturity is understanding you have some toxic traits too. It’s not always the other person.

    - unknown

    I‘m trying to be a better person these days...Is it working very well? Debatable, but I’m trying in my own mediocre & sometimes ineffective way...

    I really enjoyed the dinner, thank you. The food was decent, loved the drinks, but perhaps most importantly, I valued the company. One of our friends couldn’t make it, & to my surprise, I actually genuinely missed her presence.

    That speaks volumes. In the past, in my old circles, I almost never missed friends (because they were my Space Fillers & Void Fillers). What a difference discernment makes...

    Things are moving slowly with the community project. We will get there though...good news is Community Guy is doing a bit better these days, so he will be more involved soon :)

    I feel as though I’m constantly talking about me though...I imagine, amongst many things/struggles, your mil’s debt has been causing considerable stress.

    How are you feeling these days?

    How is your weekend going?

    If you don’t wish to answer, that’s okay. I understand & respect that, but just know you have a friend in me who cares. I’m thinking of you and your gorgeous family & sending warmth :)

    With love xoxox

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    1 December 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Hello Friend ❤

    I am so pleased to hear how much you enjoyed dinner with your new friends, & so wonderful that you genuinely missed the friend who couldn't come (you know what i mean by that). So nice to have made this connection and miss her as a person, nit just missing the social interaction for its own sake. Will you catch up again this week?

    It sounds like there's some really hard stuff going/gone on in your world, & I'm really sorry for that. So healthy and awesome for you to be using your experiences for your growth though. I love that about you, you are always so reflective about things that are going on, be it in your immediate life or the world at large.

    Definitely toxic dynamics and relationships can be very revealing about our own issues & shortcomings, they can be excellent lessons (but painful), if we're open to our own growth, which you clearly are. Go gently with it.

    I'm glad you're talking about your stuff - this is your space after all my friend!

    With mil's debt, we are not actually paying that off, we were going to but with some major issues going on with golden boy, we were worried he would get his hands on his father's $$ if we paid the debt. So we just rearranged fil's finances & fil is paying it off gradually in a way that golden boy can't leech off him. Big probs there, he's in police custody actually. Fun times!

    I wanted to mention something about the irony of "the importance of family of origin" but another time cos i think i might run out of space. I always seem to have a backlog of things to chat with you about!

    My weekend is going quietly - i had a day of taking things really easy yesterday, read a book, went for a nice walk, then we watched a movie with dinner (The Color Purple). Today I've been working in the garden this morning, just relaxing after brunch now, then back to it and maybe a trip to the beach this evening.

    I hope you are having a relaxing weekend & unwinding a bit.

    With love ❤

    🌻b xo

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    2 December 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

    What a lovely weekend you had. Very relaxing & self nurturing. I think your reading, gardening, movie night, etc were great ways to engage in self care, plus I’m happy that you spent quality time with mrs b :)

    On the less happy side of things, it sounds as though golden boy has gotten himself into legal troubles. It sounds serious....

    I imagine he’s causing considerable stress for multiple family members, including you & mrs b. I think it’s wise that you’ve set up your mil’s debt repayment in a way that means he won’t be able to dip into the finances...smart move...

    I’m curious about your thoughts on the irony of the importance of family of origin?

    Thank you, I didn’t see them again on the weekend. I’ll see them again this week though, which will be nice. We’re planning to go to an arts thing.

    I had some family commitments last weekend. I also have some this week...

    Thank you my friend, I think it’s my nature/temperament to reflect. That’s just how my brain works, I suppose...

    You know how I am. I tend to see most things in shades of grey, & sometimes even yellow & blue ;) Degrees & continuums...rarely “absolutes”

    I’m trying to learn to manage my unresolved issues/old wounds these days. There’s a reason why every ex of mine was emotionally unavailable, unreliable & had a lot of unresolved past trauma...

    The common denominator was me...while I didn’t directly cause their long standing issues, I certainly knew how to find and attract people with certain issues...

    None of them were “bad” people, but because they had so many of their own troubles, they couldn’t possibly be there for me or function healthily in a relationship. Same could be did about me.

    I don’t blame them, & I’m not angry at them for how things unfolded...those relationships were all doomed from the start.

    For my part, it’s my responsibility to deal with my own stuff. Just as it should have been their responsibility to deal with theirs. But us together? It was toxic...

    I’m trying to deal with me. I’ve promised myself no dating or relationships till I feel more stable...or else I’ll be this ball of toxicity..

    Thank you for your very encouraging words, & for being here for me. It really does mean a lot, especially when I know you have your own struggles & pain.

    Did you end up going to the beach, and how is your garden looking after an intense day of gardening on Sunday? You can talk about anything you like. Free rein ;)

    With love xoxox

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    8 December 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Hello my friend ❤

    I am so sorry i haven't come and replied earlier. Ihave been a bit of a mess this week. I feel like I've been spiralling down, and haven't felt on top of things at all. New week tomorrow, new leaf for me.

    I am wondering how your week has been - you said you had some family commitments, i hope that all went well. Did you have your catch up with your new friends and was the friend there that you missed last week?

    Your post made a lot of sense, and i can relate to relationships where we attract or seek out those with particular issues, based on our own old, unresolved stuff.

    Do you think sometimes (not always) it can be seen as our higher selves seeking out "teachers" (those challenging us) for us to learn the lessons we need to learn? Or are we trying to fill a hole or heal a wound that has been left there from our younger days?

    I think you should follow your heart about when is the right time to get back into dating or a relationship, but keep that heart open, just in case, please? Mrs b was not ready for me when we met, but I guess she must have kept the heart open at least ajar, thankfully. Because you just never know, my friend. You just never know .

    Love you.

    🌻b xo
    1 person found this helpful
  13. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    8 December 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

    There’s absolutely nothing to apologise for, dear friend. You take your time with things...it shows your beautiful nature that you’re here despite your own pain...thank you...

    Would you like to share what has been causing your spiral, dear friend?

    It makes me feel sad to hear how much you have been struggling...I know there’s little that I can say to help, but as always, I’m listening & you have a caring friend in me.

    I understand that you may not wish to elaborate, but if there’s anything you want to share, you know I’m here for you. I hope things improve next week...

    I think romantic love & relationships are so complex & diverse. Who knows what the future holds. I think it’s nice to be hopeful, but I also truly believe that not all of us will meet someone that we truly connect with, & even if that happens, things don’t always work out or you sometimes even end up with different people...I don’t think that’s an uncommon story...

    You & mrs b are lucky though :) I’m glad she kept a part of her heart open, & that you found each other. Also, that the two of you now seem to share the same vision for the future.

    What the two of you share is beautiful, romantic & special...but I also know that’s not on the cards for every person on this planet...

    That being said, thank you very much for your words of comfort. I know it comes from a place of love & caring, & for that, I’m blessed & grateful, my friend :)

    Do you think sometimes (not always) it can be seen as our higher selves seeking out "teachers" (those challenging us) for us to learn the lessons we need to learn? Or are we trying to fill a hole or heal a wound that has been left there from our younger days?

    My answer is I’m not sure but most likely a combo of things...

    Thank you, I think family commitments are just family commitments. I don’t necessarily always enjoy them but filial piety, duty, etc plays a role...

    I did see my new friends, which was nice. Sadly, the same friend was unable to make it, which was a bit of a shame. Hopefully next time though :)

    Do you have any self care plans for the upcoming week? Ways to help you turn over new leaf?

    Thank you for making time for me. It really does mean a lot. Sending love, comfort & friendship to you & your gorgeous family.

    Love you xoxox



    1 person found this helpful
  14. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    9 December 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Hello friend ❤

    I absolutely agree with you, that a long term relationship like i have found is not on everyone's horizons.

    I'm sorry if it seemed like that's what i was saying, but it's not what i meant. I kind of meant the opposite, like: keep open to the endless possibilities. I didn't meet mrs b until my early 30s, and up til then i had been in some other relationships, one of which was super toxic, another you could call unconventional, and when i met mrs b, i was thinking I'd probably go it alone from there on, like a few of my friends have done and are doing. Mrs b came out of the blue. I know there are all sorts of different ways of being - I just meant you never know what's around the corner.

    It's great that you get to meet up with your new friends so regularly. Was the arts thing good?

    I meant to say btw that i loved that quote you left about cooking for others as an act of love & nurturance. I really loved that. I did a bit of that yesterday, as mrs b & i had a rough day or so which culminated in an argument (family issues). Cooking for her & preparing food i recognised consciously yesterday as an act of healing & love, & thought of that quote you left. So thank you.

    I have not been taking great care of myself the last couple of weeks, reaching for the bottle as an escape from some anxiety etc. This time of year is hard. So anyway, I'm making some conscious steps to reset some bad habits & reintroduce some healthier ones. This mirning i got up half an hour earlier & did some tai chi out in the garden before starting my day. So that is one new leaf for today (also i loved your growth quotes from today).

    How have you been feeling, and do you have any nice plans for the week?

    With love,

    🌻b xo
    1 person found this helpful
  15. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    9 December 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

    I am listening & I am here for you. If there’s anything else that you want to share...I’m here, listening & caring..

    I’m sorry to hear that things have been so strained & rough at home. I remember that the Christmas period was a difficult time for you last year too...I feel for you, my friend...

    Also, I know arguments with loved ones tend to be very painful...it must hurt your heart to argue with Mrs b...

    Although I’m glad you were still able to show your love, as well as help yourself heal, through your cooking. I think it’s moving, & I’m very happy that the cooking quote resonated :)

    I think it shows your resilience & determination when you made the decision to get up earlier to practice tai chi. A new week, a new leaf. Well done, dear friend...I feel very proud of you :)

    Sigh, I understand the lure of the bottle. You reach for your bottle because of your spiral & anxiety, I reach for it because of pain. No wisdom from me, just understanding & empathy, my friend. I get it...

    I completely agree with you that the future is unknown, & yes, we don’t know what will be around the corner. What an unexpected & beautiful blessing was & is Mrs b :)

    I think it’s not easy for love and the right circumstances and sharing common long-term goals to align...it doesn’t always happen, but it seems to have aligned for you & your beloved, & that is its own kind of wonderful ;)

    It has been a rough time for me. Just carrying around pain. Grief, heartbreak & other unresolved issues...the past has a stranglehold of sorts on me.

    When you grew up a certain way, it changes the way that you see the world...there’s a void in me. This insatiable hunger or heaviness...my heart often feels permanently broken...

    Also, not having really learnt to effectively self soothe or manage my own emotions, I’m now trying to teach myself but don’t always do it very well...

    Thank you, I enjoyed the arts event, & may have had a few too many drinks. The friendships have been nourishing, & I met some interesting people too. But I also know that there’s a part of me that likes being around others to avoid dealing with me sometimes...

    I know it’s early days get, but have you noticed a difference in mood by practising tai chi again? Let me know how it goes...

    Do you have any plans for the week, my friend?

    I hope you’re being extra kind to yourself during this difficult time...

    I’m thinking of you & sending warmth and care...

    With love xoxox

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    15 December 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Dear lovely friend ❤

    Your pain and sadness was palpable in your latest post. That heaviness in your broken heart, i could feel it as i read your words.

    I can imagine that carrying around that heaviness is very, very tiring. You are really brave and amazing the way you keep living your life, going to work, taking care of yourself, supporting your family & fulfilling the obligations there, making time for friends & doing soul-nourishing things each week with your arts events & community project, & supporting so many here on the forums on a regular basis. What a wonderwoman!

    But i can hear your pain and your sadness. I am always listening to you when and if you would like to unburden any of that sadness here.

    The way you described the past having a stranglehold on you really resonated with me. I can relate to that feeling very much, and you have described it perfectly. Do you have any particular strategies to self soothe that you are working on?

    I find this time of year really hard, it used to be such a fun time, and now there are big gaping holes - they tend to feel so huge with raw edges at this time of year. You know that love we were talking about a while back, which has nowhere to go anymore? So we channel it elsewhere? Those big absences are almost tangible for me during this season.

    My tai chi has felt really nice, and i think it has helped me, starting the day feeling grounded, and pulled-together if that makes sense. I had a much better week this week, went out on Friday night for drinks at the neighbours house which was fun, had a dance 😀

    How has your week and weekend been my friend?

    Thank you for your love and friendship. It means a lot to me.

    With my love,

    🌻b xoxo
    1 person found this helpful
  17. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    16 December 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

    Thank you for your loving words of encouragement & warmth, beautiful friend :)

    Thank you for making the choice to consistently be here for me.

    For making time for me.

    For being so uplifting & nurturing.

    For trying to understand me, even if I don’t always make it easy.

    Most importantly, thank you for being my friend.

    I know I’ve said this at least a million times, but friendship isn’t a pure coincidence, it’s an active choice & it’s time & effort...like most things in life. So thank you for choosing to be my friend, again & again :)

    This time of year sounds awful for you. I feel your sense of longing, loneliness & heartache. Perhaps even grief & loss. An emptiness...someone or something who “should” be here but is not...

    You’re a gorgeous soul with so much to give...but as you said, you don’t know where to put that love, & I feel your pain, dear friend...

    On self soothing, I love to wrap a big blanket around myself. A literal cocoon. Turn off the main lights & leave only fairy lights on & listen to music.

    Otherwise, I find most creative media to be helpful. I channel some of it into art & dance. Dance is an excellent outlet for pain...whole stories can be told that way.

    That said, I also gravitate towards wilder things that happen in big cities. It’s a way for me to drown out the pain. Loud noise and chaos is comforting for me, because it deafens the pain...too much quiet & the pain becomes too loud.

    What about you, my friend? How do you self soothe?

    Would you like to share more about why this time of year is so painful for you? No pressure though...always listening though...

    I imagine tai chi is one of them. It makes me so happy to hear that it’s nourishing you. Also, drinks on Friday sounds as though it was just what your soul needed. Dancing too? A winner of a night ;)

    Last week was an emotional week. Some issues in the family, which hasn’t been so great. Luckily my colleagues managed to make me laugh.

    I already have met the love of my life (or one of them anyway as I don’t think there’s only 1 person out there...7+ billion people). Met him about 5 years ago.

    I don’t want to get into it but we want different things in life. Irreconcilable differences. Love isn’t always enough...

    So...I meant it when I said elsewhere that I don’t believe we all necessarily end up with the one/s we love the most. But life goes on...such is life...

    I’m thinking of you & sending warmth...

    With love,

    Pepper xoxox

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Moonstruck
    Moonstruck avatar
    3842 posts
    16 December 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Dear Peppermint....you said something that is so true...but few realise it until later in life. In fact they go through years thinking just the opposite...but "Love isn't always enough"....you are right my friend.

    You asked if we wanted to share why this time of year is so painful for us? I posted (probably too much) my pain on my thread "Christmas - with Anxiety/Depression".....with some also in another "Christmas 2019 ...what are you up to? " in the Social section.

    I can't go deeply into the reasons why it's so painful, dredging up horrible memories...it's like PTSD symptoms. My children (now grown up) and I suffer every year...no-one understands.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    16 December 2019 in reply to Moonstruck

    Hi lovely Moon (& a wave to all),

    What can I say, lovely Moon? Thank you very much for understanding...

    Romantic love is hard. It’s really hard.

    Meeting a Great Love but for things to not work out is its own kind of pain...it’s like dangling a carrot stick in front of you, but it’s not yours to keep...not really...

    See, the thing is I think it’s not just about love, it’s circumstances, it’s timing, it’s long-term goals aligning...its so many things.

    Then there are people who meet their great loves when they’re already in other relationships, like my relative that I mentioned to you...granted, he ended up with his Love, but it came at a huge cost.

    For the lucky ones, if love and compatible circumstances and common future goals all align, they have a good shot. Even then, there are no guarantees, but at least there is a lot of hope under those conditions...

    Christmas sounds painful for you & your children...it sounds as though it’s a very re-traumatising time for you. I’ll have a read through the Christmas threads that you mentioned...

    In the mean time, I’m thinking of you and your children during this difficult time of year

    Love xoxo

  20. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    17 December 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Hello lovely friend ❤

    So sorry to hear you had a difficult week - family issues can feel ever-present at times, i can empathise and i really hope things calm down in sine way for you soon. You have people who care deeply just a click away, here on the forums if ever you need to offload, need a listening ear, or some comfort. And i am always here for you.

    Thank you for sharing a little piece of your journey of the heart. I can well understand what you have mentioned and i really feel for you and the complex feelings that are maybe entangled there.

    I have one, maybe two of those stories in my life. One is fresher, i met the most gorgeous man very shortly before i met mrs b. I fell hard. For various reasons it wasn't going to work out for us, and he was with someone else, the stars were never aligned for him and me. Who knows what's in the future, but for now i know i love and commit to mrs b, and without diminishing that love, i still have strong feelings of care for my guy. There is another older story too, but without going in into it, i want you to see that i do understand.

    Moon has said that her story about why this time is so hard is too painful to share, and i completely understand that. I feel that way as well. It feels so raw that if i start talking about it, i wont be able to contain the hurt. When it already hurts so much. I might say more.

    Re: self soothing - i loved picturing the blanky cocoon with fairy lights and music. I love fairy lights and soft lighting of any kind, lamps, candles. Main lights can be so blaring. Is there any particular music you are loving at the moment?

    And yes i can totally understand the call of chaos and noise in the city. I sought that very thing, periodically, until quite recently. I used to be drawn to the wildness, the loud music, the vibrating dancefloors, the lights, the darkness, the unpredictability. I felt it had a cleansing quality to it, whuch feels invigorating. But definitely also for me a distraction to what's going on inside.

    My soothing strategies at the moment lean more towards the beach, the garden, cooking, tai chi ... grounding activities at a slower pace i guess.

    Speaking of the rewards of slow living - i have my first cucumbers forming now, having planted a tiny seed weeks and weeks ago. Also, very excited to see the tiniest baby mandarines growing for the first time on the tree!

    Love,

    🌻b xo

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    17 December 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

    Thank you so very much for choosing to be here. I really do mean that, lovely friend. I’m grateful & blessed :)

    Your pain around this time of year sounds absolutely heart wrenching. I imagine there’s a certain fragility around it.

    It’s okay, my friend, you don’t have to talk about it...I get that some things might be too painful & raw to discuss...you take gentle care of yourself...if you ever feel like talking though, but no pressure, I care very much.

    Thank you for empathising. I love chaos. Yes, I absolutely do use it to drown out the pain, but I also genuinely love it too. I hold that contradiction...

    Your grounding activities sound wonderful for you. I suppose the important part is it speaks to you. I know how much you’re nurtured when you nurture your garden. Precious moments...

    Congratulations on your baby cucumber & baby mandarins. It must feel so rewarding to watch things grow, & to know that you did it! You’ll be able to experiment with so many fruits/veggies in your garden.

    Thank you for understanding & opening up a little, my friend. It must have been heartbreaking to have loved someone who was with someone else. I feel that kind of love can be very painful...

    I think that your love & commitment to Mrs b is warmth. You two have something that you understand & that she understands... I think there’s a certain tenderness & beauty where you can hold space to care about your guy, without it diminishing your love for Mrs b :)

    Sigh, I think that there’s a good chance that I’ll always love him more. It’s possible to be with 1 person, but your heart still loves another more...

    That sometimes maybe people end up with their 2nd or 3rd or whatever choice, because loneliness has us chasing/accepting someone we don’t love that much (& being forced to accept reality). By “we”, I really mean “I” & “me”...I don’t mean this is your situation at all, but this is exactly the kind of thing I do...I’m talking about me.

    He’s going to be a hard act to follow. I don’t think anyone in my personal life has come even remotely close, whether it’s other exes, friends, acquaintances, colleagues, etc...there’s just something about him...

    He gets me, & he has a certain brilliance...

    But it doesn’t matter. Love isn’t always enough...if it was enough, I wouldn’t be writing this.

    I have been listening to Someone Like You, Adele (laughs).

    On a more interesting note, what are your plans for the week?

    Thinking of you.

    With love xoxox

    1 person found this helpful
  22. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    17 December 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Hi gorgeous friend,

    Is this part of the heaviness/brokenheartedness that you carry around every day? I imagine it would make up a part of it at least.

    Before i met my guy, i had reached a point where i thought i might go it alone through my 30s and beyond. Met him, fell hard, but knew that being with him would completely not work and would end in many many tears if we tried. I let any hope of a relationship go, without relinquishing my live for him.

    Then i met mrs b, and fell for her. It was rocky at the start (very) but eventually it all started to make sense between us, and we started creating our love.Years later, my guy contacted saying he was ready for me. Arrgh! What the??

    Do you dream about your man? I dream about both of mine, frequently.

    Do you hold out hope for anything in the future or is it an impossibility?

    Only answer if you want to, just ignore otherwise, totally understand.

    Ha ha, listening to Someone Like You by Adele. That is funny (and sad). Fittingly, Something Just Like This (The Chainsmokers/Coldplay) has been on my playlist today. True story.

    Love you

    🌻b xo



    1 person found this helpful
  23. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    17 December 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Darling friend/beautiful b,

    In the foreseeable future, it’s an impossibility. We want different things in life, & sadly, it’s not something that we can compromise on.

    I don’t dream about him, but I do think about him.

    Sometimes I feel hearts do their own thing. It must have been painful letting go of someone that you loved so deeply.

    Missing or grieving someone who is still very much of this world is its own kind of pain...his timing was way off. I can only imagine the feelings of torment & pain when he contacted you again...but by then you had Mrs b...

    I think something beautiful has been nurtured by you & Mrs b. You built a life together, & have clearly overcome many obstacles. I recall you have called her your soulmate multiple times...

    Something Just Like This? I wonder if you found that life & love, as per that song, in what you have built with Mrs b?

    Dare I ask...don’t worry, no need to answer me if you don’t with to ;)

    But I did realise something today when I was reading about a social enterprise that is turning used plastic bottle caps into prosthetic limbs...you know what?

    If all else fails, I can channel some of my pain into something much more constructive than a literal cocoon, Someone Like You & fairy lights...I don’t mean necessarily that enterprise, but I mean contributing to something beyond my own immediate struggles & immediate world.

    As for any future relationships (not any time soon as I’m rather attached to my blanket cocoon), this sums it up.

    I think of it as romantic realism:

    My desires in relationships have changed over time. I no longer want someone who promises to always love me & never leave me. I need someone who understand sometimes life happens & things don’t always work out...

    I need to be able to go 5 hours without talking to you or feeling lost or incomplete. I am complete without you. But with you, I want to be so much stronger with you. I want us to grow together & help each other grow individually.

    I don’t need you, but I want you. And this may not work out, but the fact that you understand all of this & this is how our relationship works, makes me think we’ve got a really good shot.

    - unknown

    Or perhaps more succinctly, I suppose they quote can be summed up as saying I will try my best for as long as I’m committed to a relationship. But that I cannot truthfully promise “forever”, because things/circumstances/people change. But while it lasts, let’s do our best :)

    Love you too xoxox

    1 person found this helpful
  24. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    24 December 2019 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Hello lovely friend ❤

    I have no doubt that you will channel your love into something bigger beyond your adele/fairylights/blanky cocoon. You already are, just by being you - your care and compassion that you show to people who come to bb is an example. You are a passionate, intensely smart and creative person and i have the feeling that you bring that to all you do.

    I can understand the thoughts and feelings behind that quote you shared. None of us know what is around the corner and circumstances, feelings everything can change.

    How has your week/weekend been?

    We're staying home tomorrow, we are surrounded by fire and they keep having to close the highway, it's too risky that we'll get stranded if we travel so we called the whole thing off! Yippee!!

    My brain has turned to mush. But i will come back and talk to you soon. I am always listening and interested in what's going on for you.

    Love xoxoxo

    🌻b xo

    1 person found this helpful
  25. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    26 December 2019 in reply to Birdy77

    Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

    Thank you, lovely friend, for your very supportive, loving & encouraging words.

    It means a lot that you choose to make time for me, even when you have your own troubles. Thank you so very much, dear friend :)

    I can hear your relief that you didn’t have to visit certain people on Christmas Day. That side of things worked out for you ;)

    But I do worry about how close you are to the bushfires. How has the fire situation for you been the past couple of days, my friend?

    You sound maybe tired or drained. How have you been feeling?

    I know sometimes words don’t come easily when you have things going on in your life, but you have a friend in me if you ever feel like chatting (no pressure but just know that I care a lot).

    My week has gone quickly. I spent the 24th & 25th with various family members. Then I mostly just did light chores today, which was tedious & dull.

    I have plans later this week with some friends for a belated celebration with them. I’m trying to figure out what to food to bring. Either something that I will buy or something very easy (& fast) to make.

    I have been thinking about the year ahead. 2020. I want to make some changes in my life. Figuring out how to become the person that I want to be. I think that side of me was always there; it’s just a matter of bringing it to the forefront.

    I am never going to fit the mould of a lot of norms...all the supposed “shoulds”...but maybe that’s okay...maybe I have something different to offer.

    It’s not necessarily better or worse, but just a little different. Not sure what it is yet, but it’s something that I’m working out & working on...

    Recently, I realised that I felt most like myself when I was taking a stand for something (offline)...something bigger than me & bigger than the people in my immediate world. By challenging others through taking a stand for something bigger, I felt a spark. Something that I hadn’t felt in a long time.

    Something is stirring...not sure what it is yet. Not even sure what I’m doing (laughs), but I believe it’s a process that is starting to take shape.

    I’m thinking of you & your beautiful family and sending warmth. How is your week looking, my friend?

    With love xoxox

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    2 January 2020 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Hello my friend ❤

    I likd hearing about things stirring for you, and that you are looking towards different things for 2020 and making some changes that are meaningful for you.

    I will come back and talk more with you, i just wanted to check in.

    We've had no power and no phone connection since Tuesday. The fires have been devastating around us. We are ok.

    How are things with you? Are you able to have a nice break from work?

    Love 🌻b xoxo
    1 person found this helpful
  27. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    2 January 2020 in reply to Birdy77

    Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

    It’s so good to hear from you. I’m very, very relieved that you’re okay, but the devastation near you sounds alarming and frightening.

    I know there might be roadblocks and things like that, but do you think maybe you would consider evacuating for your safety if you got the chance? E.g. staying with friends who live in a low risk fire area for a while.

    It’s just that you sound as though you might be in a high risk area...maybe evacuation might be something for you and your family’s safety. You’re all precious and I want you to all be as safe as possible.

    Thank you, yes, I have some time off work. Thankfully, we have the annual office shutdown that happens during the Christmas/NY period, as is the case with many offices ;)

    It has been rough, but I had the most incredible, and unexpected, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. I was celebrating with some of my friends for the NYE countdown to 1 Jan 2020. We then continued that celebration well into 1 Jan...

    It was really special to be able to share that experience with kind and inspiring people. Sharing experiences/regularly spending time together is my dominant love language after all, even if it’s platonic love :)

    It has been rough, but I’m looking forward to 2020. A new decade. A new era. Change is on my mind.

    I also realised that I’ve always been subconsciously searching for role models to show me what living a non-traditional life looks. It’s because I really struggle to relate to people who pursue more traditional lifestyles and have more traditional mindsets.

    But that’s okay...they can live their lives and I can live mine.

    Someone recently said, people don’t know how things could be done until they see it. So maybe I can be that person.

    Maybe I can show people around me what it looks like to thrive when you don’t want to follow more traditional paths in life. To show them that it’s possible and that there are many alternative paths to meaning...

    Here’s to 2020, and the tone that I wish to set for the new decade can be summed up in Ariana Grande’s Dangerous Woman :)

    Here is to change. Change is going to happen because I’m going to make it happen.

    What are your plans for the week, lovely friend?

    I’m here if you ever wish to chat, light or serious and everything in between. Free rein, as always.

    With love and wishing you and your family safety most importantly xoxox

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    2 January 2020 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Hello Friend ❤

    You sound pumped, ready for change ... "Locked and loaded, completely focused"!
    You go girl. Blaze your trail. Write your own story. Be exactly who You are ❤

    So happy to hear that you had an amazing time with your friends ringing in the new year! So unexpected, so extra special. What a wonderful way to start the fresh decade! With inspiring people - your tribe maybe.We sat out on the front porch in the dark (no streetlights, no houselights, no stars or moon because of the smoke, just candles in jars) and watched firetrucks race by. An eerie NYE.

    Thank you for your care and concern. We are in no immediate danger right now. All day the traffic has been crawling north, tourists have pretty much been ordered to get out of here. Now the roads are clogged and even if we wanted to leave, they have just had to close the highway again, so we're trapped anyway. Worse comes to worst, we head to the ocean.

    I am relieved to have just heard from my nephew who lives nearby but in a much worse affected town, we lost touch when the phones and power went down. So many have lost everything - 90 homes lost in a nearby village. Scary times my friend.

    Had to bury one of my beloved hens a few days ago 😔 i held her and talked to her as she passed, i hope she enjoyed her life here.

    I am sorry to hear you have had a rough time leading up to your wonderful night. I am always listening if you want to unburden.

    I don't have any plans for the next little while, feels chaotic around here. Just taking it day by day.

    So happy to hear your awesome mindset for the new year.

    Let your light shine 🌠

    🌻b xo

    1 person found this helpful
  29. Peppermintbach
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Peppermintbach avatar
    4566 posts
    2 January 2020 in reply to Birdy77

    Darling friend/beautiful b,

    I’m very, very sorry for the loss of your hen. I know how heartbroken you must be...you’ve always had and have so much love and compassion to give.

    I bet her life with you was incredible. Living under your love and care, she couldn’t have asked for more, my friend...

    Things sound very serious where you are. What an eerie NY for you...NY or not, what is happening is heartbreaking. So much loss...

    I’m really glad your nephew is okay, and that you were finally able to make contact with him. Waiting must have been excruciating though; the uncertainty and fear of it all...I can only imagine your relief...

    I’m sure you’re aware of this anyway, but maybe keep an eye and ear out for any announcements about roads re-opening during the night/morning?

    You’re probably doing this anyway, but maybe also have your bags packed and everything ready. So if there is an opportunity to evacuate, you just need to grab your boys & hens, & you & mrs b would be set to go?

    Sorry, I don’t mean to be bossy, but I’ve read about the warning to evacuate high risk areas in your state before this Saturday (I’ve heard about high temperatures, amongst many things)...

    Please be safe, my friend. I really want you & your family to be okay...

    I know there’s nothing that I can do, but I’m holding my hand out to you in comfort. Each time, I gaze up into the sky, I try to ask that you & your family will be okay...I did that today. Not sure who I was talking to...the universe maybe...

    Thank you, as always, for your love and support. It moves me that, despite everything, you’re still checking in on me. You’re a very good friend...

    Yes to new beginnings in 2020, my friend. I’m thinking of you and sending love...

    Much love and sending blessings of safety and protection your way xoxox

    1 person found this helpful
  30. Birdy77
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Birdy77 avatar
    2299 posts
    9 January 2020 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Hello my friend ❤

    I just wanted to send you a short message to let you know that we are ok for now

    I can't manage much more than that at the moment, i am feeling very drained.

    We are preparing for a tough day tomorrow with the weather, but hopefully not as bad as last Saturday. That day was truly terrifying.

    Thank you for your friendship and support.

    Hopefully talk soon.

    Take care of you.

    Love,

    🌻b xo
    1 person found this helpful

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up