Darling friend/beautiful b,

I’m so relieved to hear from you. I have been very worried. I can’t even imagine how traumatic and frightening last Saturday must have been...I’m so thankful that you’re okay for now...

I hope that you and your family get through Friday. I’m with you in spirit, my friend.

Take your time with posts and replies. The most important thing now is your own mental health and safety...take good care of yourself, my friend...

Love, hugs and the biggest blessings of safety and protection to you and your family.

Pepper xoxox

Thank you so much darl ❤

I would have messaged you earlier, but our power and phone connections have either been down or intermittent since NYE.

I don't think tomorrow will be as bad as last Saturday, but they are saying be prepared for it to be. So we are.

It's just such a terrible time for so many 😔 we've been lucky so far, so many aroubd us have lost every earthly possession.

Thank you as always for your love and care, and for being with us in spirit tomorrow.

Thanks also from mrs b, she said to say.

And the boys, they said to say.

And the chooks (they said to say).

😘

Love,

🌻b xoxo

Darling friend/beautiful b,

Again, so relieved you’re okay for now, and trying to remain hopeful for tomorrow. Please tell mrs b & your boys & your hens that I said hello :)

I have colleagues with loved ones who live in bush fire affected areas who have been so stressed & worried...I could see the worry on their faces, even when they were outwardly smiling this week...

I can’t even imagine how traumatic and painful it must be to lose everything. It’s really heartbreaking...it saddens me, but also reminds me that those of us who are relatively unaffected have immense power to help out.

I suppose my way of coping is partly to try to stay informed & to try to help out. I have been reading about ways that we can all help out, & I have been trying to do my small part to share that information & encourage everyone that I know to contribute/help out in any way that they can e.g. donations, sharing information, etc.

It’s not much individually for most people, but you know: the cumulative effect is powerful (& sorely needed right now). I truly believe that.

I really hope that you, your loving family and home remain safe tomorrow.

In some eastern cultures, we call on our ancestors for protection, in times of need & distress...

I‘m not a very spiritual person, but if it helps, I have been asking my ancestors to help keep you, mrs b, your boys, your hens and your nephew safe tomorrow.

Much love and endless safety blessings for the rest of summer,

Pepper xoxox

❤ thank you Pepper ❤

❤ thank you ❤

xoxo

Stay safe, my friend. Stay safe.

Look after yourselves...

Sending love, hope and more blessings of protection to all of you xoxox

Hello Beautiful Friend ❤

I have come by tonight to see how you are.

How are things in your world?

How are you feeling?

Are you taking good care of yourself?

Are you tuning in to what you need and giving yourself those things?

I think of you, and i care for you a lot.

With love,

🌻 me xoxo

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

How lovely to see you here. What a blessing. A very warm hug of comfort and love from me to you.

Thank you so much for being here. That means a lot, especially when I know how hard things have been for you, my friend.

I have been struggling. Although I try not to focus so much on the struggle itself these days, & more on developing my capacity to cope during adversity. Accepting & learning how to cope better with the ebb & flow ;)

You once shared this:

True strength is not
found in the stone
but in the water
that shaped the stone.

- L. R. Knost


Now, if water isn’t the greatest example of ebb & flow, I don’t know what is (laughs). If I can get a firm grasp of that one day, that really will be quite the day...

The spiritual connection between nature & life is such an important part of many eastern philosophies. I’m speaking very broadly here...obviously I know those philosophies are more complex than that.

Anyway, a spiritual connection with nature was a big part of my upbringing (or if only I had paid more attention). It was a big part of my heritage...

A spiritual connection that was not about “consuming” or trying to “own” or take from nature, or looking at nature in terms of what it could do for me. But more about feeling a connection to it...a respect for it...

Now, if only I can figure out how to tap more into that intrinsic/tacit knowledge somehow...

Sorry, not sure if I’m making much sense right now...

How have things been for you, lovely friend?

I think about you often, send my blessings and care very much about how you are doing.

Sending hope, encouragement, comfort & much love to you & your family xoxox

Hello beautiful friend ❤

I loved reading your post and hearing how you are taking care of yourself through allowing all those feelings to have their time & space.

I love how you are practicing things that have been part of your upbringing and heritage. So many life lessons can drawn from nature, it contains many powerful spiritual metaphors.

Speaking of, i really like your new profile pic.

I am sad to hear that you have been struggling. I have been sending you positive vibes, even though i have not posted very much the last while. But perhaps these difficult, heavy feelings of yours just need their time for now.

I hope you read the danielle koepke words (thank you xo) you posted yesterday (?) and hear them ring true in your heart as well ❤

Even though i havent been able to post, i think of you so often, and always want the very best for you. Please know that i hold you dear in my heart and my silence does not reflect absence of care in any way. I hope you know that is true.

I am feeling incredibly drained. During the high stress period we've had over the summer, on top of that (or maybe exacerbated by it) mrs b and i hit a really rocky patch and that has just been the biggest added emotional strain. We have had big talks, and many tears, and we're going to be ok, but with everything else going on, it's been a bit exhausting. I am tired.

Hey, how's your repertoire of plant-based-domestic-goddess-creations-in-30-minutes-or-less coming along? 😃

(I accidentally created a delicious and speedy shortcut to gozleme heaven if you want to be in on my secret. 5 minutes max.)


Lots of love ❤

🌻b xoxo

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

You sound so tired. Your spirit sounds weary. Gentle hugs & a nourishing cup of herbal tea from me...

Summer must have been (& must still be) so difficult, dear friend.The sheer emotional & physical toll of it all.

No wonder you’re feeling drained....the unpredictability, fear & devastation...

On top of that, the rocky patch with mrs b would have been rough. That would have been very painful...hitting those patches with loved ones is never easy or pleasant, my friend.

I’m happy you seem to have talked things through & let some of your feelings out. I hope it all works out for both of you :)

Lovely friend, I know you care. Thank you for the loving reassurance and reminder, my friend. The positive vibes have been gratefully accepted (thank you) & I’m sending some of hope & comfort in return...

I just didn’t want to complain/carry on too much about my own life when I knew you had the wildfires, amongst other things, to contend with...gentle hugs...

Yes, I agree nature has a lot to teach us about life...

A couple of days after I mentioned how it would be “quite the day” if I was able to truly grasp what ebb & flow meant in life...that same week, I finally understood something.

I have had a loose understanding of ebb & flow for some time. I let my emotions run its natural course (or as much as I can)...but it wasn’t till last week that I felt a moment of genuine peace for the 1st time in my whole life.

It was a different feeling to joy, elation or excitement. I felt grounded. Both feet on the ground. But of course, just like everything else, even feelings of peace come & go.

Letting go of my need to control my own emotions has been key to a certain freedom. The struggles are still there & the pain is still there, but my perspective has shifted...

Thank you, I like my new profile pic too. Just water: nature’s best teacher of ebb & flow. Of Impermanence.

Your 5 min gozleme is impressive! I would I love in on your secret recipe?

I have mostly just been making salads (easy & fast). I keep promising myself that I’ll be more adventurous, but I’m usually not in the mood to cook after work.

I was thinking of making plant based sushi & pasta last week, but somehow that “became” a salad (laughs).

I think of you, care deeply about you & really hope things start improving for you soon. That you’ll be back on track with mrs b. That you’ll continue to see more signs of hope.

How has your week been so far?

With love xoxox

Hi gorgeous friend ❤

That is so wonderful to hear of your experience of peace as you loosened the reins of trying to control all the emotions.

As you say, that feeling (of peace) will come and go as well, because it's all impermament right?

What a breakthrough moment! Loved hearing about that, my friend.

I've been trying to practice a similar thing for a while, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. That big thing of accepting life "just as it is" rather than struggling against it or craving a different feeling.

Accepting and owning the hard feelings, letting them have the airspace they need. Without wishing them away. It's a big challenge. I usually just want to feel better. Which i guess is human nature.

Hmmmm ....

Hey and you can "carry on" just as much as you need to - it's not carry-on in the least. I always am interested in what is going on for you, (no matter what is going on fir me) and this space here is for you to talk about your feelings, your hopes and dreams and fears and difficulties. To safely unburden yourself even just a smidgen.

Always listening to and caring about you.

It's the season for lovely fresh salads anyway, and so healthy. You will get there with other recipes, i know whipping up a storm in the kitchen isn't exactly your fave activity, especially after a long day at work.

Quick 5 min gozleme: are you familiar with mountain bread? Those flat square wraps that are super thin like a crepe? Lay one of those flat on your benchtop, sprinkle it with shredded vegan cheese, then chopped baby spinach, bit of salt and pepper (Pepper xo) then sprinkle with nooch (nutritional yeast). Roll it up like a swiss roll. Heat up a little olive oil in a frypan and put your roll in that, turning it over maybe after 1 minute and onto the other side, until the wrap is nicely browned and the insides are melty and delish. Slice into 4 or so pieces or just eat like a wrap. So quick and so yummy scrummy.

How is your week so far? I woke at 4 am with high anxiety, my mind just really went to town. I feel a bit better now.

Much love,

🌻b xo

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

A grateful thank you for making time for me. This is especially despite your own vast pain & struggles. That means a lot, dear friend...

Despite everything, you’re still choosing to be here for me. I think that speaks volumes about your beautiful, loving & generous nature...thank you.

Your reassurance is heartfelt & compassionate. I understand what you’re saying, & I’m touched & grateful.

But it’s just that I feel in times like now, I should be supporting you, & less so the other way around. That said, I’m thankful for your presence here & for your continued love & support, lovely friend.

Your very early wake up must have been hard this morning. You sounded as though you were really struggling... your mind must have been feeling so unsettled, worried & scattered. I imagine that your anxiety must have been, at least in part, to do with some of your recent trauma & other struggles...gentle hugs...

I’m glad you’re feeling a little more settled now though. That you’re getting temporary relief.

I know that you may/may not wish to share your feelings right now. But just know if you ever want to unload anything, I’m here listening...no obligation or pressure though. You have a friend in me is all I’m saying ;)

Yes, even peaceful feelings are impermanent... I think it’s inspiring & moving that you’ve been practising sitting with your emotions :)

I completely agree that most of us just want to feel better, & that it’s human & normal to want that. But at the same time, I think it’s that same human nature that can backfire if we try to speed up the “feeling better” process prematurely...a time & a place for everything...

It has been a rough time, my friend, for various reasons. Someone I loved passed away early this year, so that has been an adjustment & process...

Work is stressful, & I often feel the signs of a headache as soon as I enter the office (laughs). But the presence of friends, both offline & online, is something that I’m grateful for :)

Yes, I’m familiar with mountain bread. Thank you, that is an impressive & creative shortcut recipe! Love it. It sounds delicious & doable (even for me).

How is your week looking? Do you have any recipes you plan to test, or good books on your reading list, my friend?

With gratitude...always caring about you & sending you well wishes of safety & comfort.

Thank you for choosing to be my friend...you’re in my thoughts & heart.

Much love to you xoxox

My beautiful friend,

I am so very sorry to hear that someone you loved passed away very recently.

I am sitting here with you and am listening carefully to you if you would like to talk about any of your feelings.

If you don't, i will sit here in the silence with you.

It is very recent and raw for you beautiful friend, no wonder you are having plenty of opportunity to practice the ebb and flow as you negotiate all these feelings and emotions.

Please know that i am here for you, that i am thinking of you, and am holding you very much in my heart right now.

Your friend,
🌻b xo

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you for holding space for my feelings, my friend. For being here, for listening & caring.

In a way, it’s okay. It’s still hard but acceptance comes easier to me these days than it once did...

If water is one of the greatest teachers of impermanence, human passing is also a great teacher... of both permanence and impermanence...

We held the ffuneral, but I want to also have my own private ceremony. Maybe I’ll buy flowers or something. Not sure yet, but I’ll figure something out...

I’m sad, but I also accept that sadness. After all, why fight it? That never does me any favours in the long-run...

I don’t necessarily want to feel better, but I also don’t want to feel worse. I just want to feel what I need to feel in any given moment in time. That is where I need to be...

Again, thank you for being here. I know that you care very much, & that means so much, dear friend. I’m blessed. Really and truly.

But I also want to hear what is going on with you. To know what is going on in your world...

Whether it’s your feelings, your cooking, your books, your family, anything you wish to discuss, etc...how is birdy doing?

With love & in friendship xoxox

Hey gorgeous friend,

It's absolutely the best thing for you to do, let yourself be right in whatever sadness/numbness/disbelief/brokenness/anger/acceptance-feelings, allow yourself to just let them run their course.

As you wisely said, there is no use to fighting them. They need to be felt, and felt fully.

Just be really gentle with yourself as you go through whatever spectrum of emotions that present themselves.

I think it's a really beautiful idea to have some sort of personal and private ceremony. Something that is personally meaningful to you and the one you loved and still love. I think it can be an important step.

I am thinking of you very much and, in spirit, sitting with you in your sadness and pain.

In a book i was reading yesterday or the day before there was this description of a physical manifestation of emotional pain or grief, and i foubd it really poignant, but decided that i would remember what page it was on and didn't mark it down. I am going to try find it and share it with you, it was only a few words, but i could relate to it, and sometimes it's conforting having words written by another to know your experience is understood.

The 5 min gozleme (or "The Speedy Gozleme" as it has become known in our household) is sooo doable-by-Pepper. You wont be disappointed. You can prepare it beforehand, pop them in the fridge ready to whack in the frypan when hungry.

I am reading a novel called Where'd you go Bernadette, which i am finding very readable and entertaining, it's a light read, I'm enjoying having a few laughs from it. I am looking forward to a re-reading a book a read years ago called Inglorious, i came across a copy at an op shop, i remember it being funny but dark, it will be interesting to see of i enjoy it this time round, you know how where you're at in life can affect your take on things? Are you reading anything at the moment?

My tomatoes copped a hammering in the latest massive rains, but the zucchinis have loved it and are growing like Triffids along the fence. I finally opened the spiralizer i purchased, and made zucchetti or zuchuccine or whatever, it was pretty yum, cooked up in olive oil garlic and chilli.

How are you feeling today?

Much love ❤

🌻b xo

"Pain, like a pinecone unfolding, seemed to blossom beneath her breastbone."

(In the novel Olive Kitteridge by Elizabeth Strout)

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you so very much for being with me & sitting with me, my friend. Being here with me means a lot, so I’m grateful & blessed.

Yes, feelings, so many feelings...sigh.

I think difficult emotions always finds a way out eventually. It’s just matter of when...weeks, months or years later. Your feelings will find you.

I’m intrigued by that excerpt about the physical manifestation of emotional pain. It clearly moved you...those painful emotions lodged in your heart & body that someone else finally found words for...as you said, there’s comfort in mutual understanding.

I’m happy that you’re getting lots of reading done. I recall you’re an avid reader :)

Where’d you go Bernadette sounds like it’s bringing some much needed laughter & light into your life. For that, I’m happy...

Yes, it will be interesting to see how you feel when you read Inglorious again. I completely agree that our interpretation, relatability & enjoyment levels of books can change. A book that we once related to deeply can later leave us feeling disconnected (& vice versa).

Your zucchinis are doing well, but I’m sorry about your tomatoes. Yum, I love zucchini pasta! I think sometimes the simplest pastas are the tastiest.

I’ll have to give the Speedy Gozleme a go some time. Easy & tasty!

Sigh, my heart just feels broken. I think the best way to describe is there’s a new crack in my heart.

Sometimes I wish that I could hug my heart. Seeing as I can’t do that, I put one hand over it & apply light pressure. It’s comforting...

Today, I spent a few hours feeling slightly disoriented & scattered. Physically present, but emotionally vacant. Dazed.

I was very tempted to walk into a bookshop today & demand all their books on grief & loss, as though there is a “cure.” I didn’t do it though.

Sigh, I know it doesn’t work like that. It’s something you work through. No overnight cures or magical remedies...

I finished reading a book called Rabbits for Food a couple of weeks ago. It’s a little sad & a little dark. It’s about a woman who is admitted into a psychiatric ward. There are some sharp observations about people, family & relationships in the book. I really enjoyed it.

How have you been holding up this weekend, my friend?

I know you’ve been feeling very drained & have, no doubt, been processing other emotions too. I hope reading, cooking & your zucchini harvest has comforted your weary heart a bit...

Thinking of you & sending love & care xoxox

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

I just saw your post with the quote from that book:

Pain, like a pinecone unfolding, seemed to blossom beneath her breastbone.

That is perfect.

Yes, that is what grief feels like to me.

Thank you...

For that quote...

For making time for me, despite your own pain...

For going to the effort of finding that line in a book....

For being my friend...

Just thank you...

I love that quote...it really is perfect. Just what I needed. Thank you.

With love xoxox

Hello beautiful friend,

I understand exactly what you mean when you said you felt disoriented and scattered, physically present but emotionally vacant. You described that very well. I wonder if that happens sometimes as a mode of survival. When it has all been too painful, a way of giving ourselves a break, in a way.

I saw you post that you got through the day yesterday, and that in itself is a huge feat. Well done.

Just get through this moment.

Then this one.

Then this one.

Keep breathing in and out.

Hold your hand to your heart as much as you need to.

It's amazing how holding your hand to your heart really can feel comforting, sort of holding the pieces together so they don't shatter all over the floor or something. I guess it's a bit like the principle of applying pressure to a wound, to slow the bleeding and aid the healing, keeping the torn parts held together so they can knit themselves back together again.

Is it a doona day? Can you snuggle down with a movie or a book, or some colouring, or some sketching?

Rabbits for Food sounds very interesting, i looked it up, they don't have it at my library, but i found a 2nd hand copy on World Of Books this morning, so i bought it. I am looking forward to that, it sounds really good.

Where'd you go Bernadette was really good for the first 2/3, then kind of fell flat for me, but it was generally just a light and fun satire, sometimes something light is just what we need.

My weekend is going ok, very quiet. It's raining, so i might start a new book. I have a big eggplant i need to ise soon, so i might make imam bayildi this afternoon, and bake some bread - yes i think that sounds good, it sounds comforting to me, maybe shift some feelings of stuckness I've been having this morning (groundhog day style).

Thinking of you.

Love ❤

🌻b xo

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you, as always, for you deep caring, empathy, insight & warmth. Your support & friendship means a lot to me.

I care about you very much & always want good things to happen to you...always wishing you well from my heart...

You sound a little flat, my friend. I get a feeling that maybe under the “stuckness” is emotional & physical exhaustion. Perhaps even some confusion too.

You’ve been through so much recently...accumulated troubles. I’m thinking of you & sending my blessings
& well wishes...

I think you’re right that sometimes emotional disconnection is a form of self preservation. Temporary respite &/or to stop us from being consumed by difficult emotions...

Your pressure to a wound analogy really resonated with me. Thank you, my friend. What you said was beautiful...achingly comforting.

I didn’t have a doona day. I spent most of my Sunday with friends, but in an emotionally absent way. Disconnected & vacant.

I was speaking, they were speaking, things were happening, there was movement...but I mostly just felt detached.

At sunset, I looked up at the sky & witnessed majestic rings of pink. Normally, that would have elicited an emotional response in me. But yesterday? Nothing.

Sunday felt very surreal. I felt as though I was in a waking dream.

I think that I have been living life as though I was on a scale. A scale that I kept balanced, regardless of my struggles.

But my scale had always been precariously balanced. Fragile. Recent events finally tipped the scale.

I hope you enjoy Rabbits for Food :) It’s a shame your library doesn’t have it, but I’m glad you found a copy anyway. It’s a little dark, & the protagonist isn’t a happy person, but hopefully you still get something out of it.

But other times, a light read is just what our hearts need. Where’d you go Bernadette sounds as though it did the trick, or for 2/3 of the way ;)

I looked up imam biyaldi & it looks delicious! But more importantly, I hope making it brought you some comfort, & shook off a little of that Groundhog Day, feeling.

Did you end up making imam biyaldi & baking bread?

Also, did you end up starting a new book?

I care about you very much. I’m here for you if you ever want to talk about anything. It can be lighthearted or it can be very serious (or a combination). As I often say, you have a friend in me. I mean that. I really do, my friend.

Hugs, love and comfort to your beautiful self xoxox

Hello gorgeous friend,

It is absolutely perfectly natural for you to ferl the way you did yesterday when you were out with your friends.

To be there, but not totally "be there" is totally normal. Your heart and mind are working on a different plane right now.

I am glad you went out with your friends, just to allow that little outlet of normality or something. But i am not surprised that you were elsewhere in reality.

Even seeing that beautiful spectacle of the pink rings in the sky - with no emotional response. You're in survival mode right now. But you recognised it was there, which is positive, but i think you're busy processing a lot of stuff right now and there's limited energy for other things.

It's absolutely ok and natural, and i hope you can keep the reins really loose for a while to come.

Being accustomed to keeping things in precise and precarious balance, it must feel strange - but this is how it is right now, and you will see this through.

The lessons you have been learning and the practice at reslience over the last year have been leading you up to this. You have your own back here ❤.

I did make the imam bayildi and i made a baguette to go with it, i think the process and the baking helped my feelings yesterday. I didn't feel on top of the world, i mean, it wasn't revolutionary, but it simultaneously gave me some peace and some firward movement and sort of shifted some irritation or something.

You are absolutely right, I'm as flat as a tack at the moment. Tired of a lot of stuff, and feel like I'm going in circles.

I treasure your friendship very, very much, thank you for always being there and being such a beautiful support. Really.

Much love ❤

🌻b xo

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you so much for your presence, deep empathy & caring. Your friendship is something that I never take for granted...

Maybe, as awful as it feels, this stuck/flat feeling is where you need to be right now. Perhaps it’s what you need to go through in order to feel driven enough to propel yourself forward in the future...

I’m not saying you need to make major changes/plans right now. But maybe this will all make sense to you in the future...

I think you’re possibly using most of your energy to readjust to “normalcy” after a period of heightened stress & fear. I think that would be emotionally taxing, hence your flat feeling. You’re tired.

I’m so glad cooking helped ground you, & gave you feelings of accomplishment & movement.

I believe in you, my friend. You’ll find your way again when you’re ready :)

You’re right, I completely agree with your wisdom that this disconnected state is also part of the process.

This morning, I felt a stirring. The disconnection has receded a little & some of the sadness is re-surfacing.
It’s okay, emotions shift & drift. I just want to flow with it.

I found a book called The Printed Letter Bookshop. It seems heartwarming & hopeful, with some sadness. When I opened it, the 1st 4 pages were dedicated entirely to accolades/rave reviews, so that’s a good sign ;)

I’m also on the lookout for a nice teapot set. I think that I want to get into brewing tea as a grounding tool.

I’m seeing friends this week again. Sometimes I’m tempted to cancel, but I limit that.

I try to follow through if I agree/commit. If I don’t/can’t go then I say “no” from the start to avoid giving people false hope.

I have unintentionally hurt people (offline) before by shutting them out, so I’m trying not to do it again. I know that I’m hurting, but just because I’m hurting, it doesn’t mean that I can ignore other people’s feelings. They matter.

Besides, as you wisely said, seeing them helps me too. It gives me a sense of “normalcy”, social/emotional support & it stops me from self isolating :)

I’ve been through grief before. But as you recognised, I have more tools in my coping box. I feel more reflective & accepting this time.

My friend, how have you been finding the week so far?

I think of you & thank you for being here. I too treasure your friendship.

Thank you for being this compassionate, kind hearted, insightful, intelligent &, deeply nurturing person :)

Much love & friendship xoxox

Hello beautiful friend,

It is so wonderful to have you as a friend! What a beautful post, i have read it ninerous times.

I am glad that you recognised the resurfacing of some feelings of sadness, and allowing them their space.

I am sitting here with you in your sadness.

I think it's so healthy of you to push yourself at times to meet up with your friends as i can completely relate and understand the inclination towards self-isolation.

You are negotiating this difficult time with a lot of poise.

It's ok if that poise becomes unstuck at times too, don't forget.

I think treating yourself to a lovely new teapot set sounds just the thing. I love that grounding act of preparing, brewing, pouring, sipping. I know you've talked before how that is part of your heritage, tea ceremonies, and i think it's a beautiful, mindful, peaceful action of self-care.

You've inspired me too, to use that as a grounding tool,
i don't do it often enough, thank you.

I looked up The Printed Letter Bookshop, it sounds good, gotta love when the first few pages are filled with hood reviews! It's not at my library, and it's not on World of Books yet (looks pretty new so might take a while to go 2nd hand), but I'll keep my eye out for it, I've put it on my 'to read' list on the Goodreads app.

Your reflections on my state of flatness are completely spot on, and thank you very much, reading what you said about a readjustmemt period after this time of heightened anxiety and fear is just what i needed to hear and acknowledge.

You are a wise and precious friend ❤

How are you feeling tonight? I hope you are putting aside some time to take care of you.

Oh, also, did you get to see Joaquin Phoenix's Oscar acceptance speech on youtube or whatevs? So beautiful 🥰

Love ❤

🌻b xo

You know how much i love it when i make typos! Brilliant 👍👍👍

There are quite a few in the latest, but i must say, i enjoyed the word "ninerous" - and although i meant "numerous", i reckon ninerous is pretty awesome. Like, nine or so times, right? Trademark please!!

xo

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

I’m glad you could relate to some of my words...so much that you read it ninerous times! 9th time is the charm. I better make good use of that word before your trademark is approved ;)

But your reading prowess aside, I’m glad my words resonated. I know that this readjustment period is rough...change can take an emotional toll, so no wonder you’re feeling flat & listless now, lovely friend.

You’ll get there though, my friend...gradually & gently.

It means a lot that you’re sitting with me, keeping me company & letting me feel my own emotions. Your presence & patience is a blessing.

Thank you so much, I probably do need a reminder that it’s sometimes okay if my poise/relative composure comes unstuck...in some ways, I can be hard on myself.

I know life goes on. The world keeps spinning, so I must move with it. No one will look after me if I crumble, so I feel that I have to keep it together.

I agree the whole art of tea can be a very grounding ritual :) I would love to hear how you go with it.

What teas do you like?

I’m hoping to find a set that includes 4 tiny cups. Ones where you can you down your tea in 3-5 sips.

I find part-floral teas soothing, as I enjoy watching the buds expand once it’s immersed in water. Rose buds, ones specifically grown for safe human consumption, are great a addition to peppermint teas. Chrysanthemum is pretty too, but slightly bland in flavour.

The Printed Letter Bookshop was a 2019 publication, so you’re right, it’s fairly new. Hopefully you’ll find a copy some time this year :)

Last night was tolerable, despite some lows. I felt a few pangs in my heart, so I gently held both hands to my heart to try to self sooth. Self nurturing...

I looked up Joaquin Phoenix’s acceptance speech. Thank you.

He quoted his brother:

Run to the rescue with love & peace will follow.

That gave me pause...

I imagine some of his words about our treatment of sentient animals really hit home. You have an unmistakable capacity to love & feel deep compassion.

It’s your empathy & love that makes you so strong. I think it’s in everything you do, even if you’re not always consciously aware of it.

Your advocacy for animal rights. Cooking as an act of love. The tenderness with which you treat your boys & chooks. Etc. It’s in all that you do. You live it.

How have things been for you the past couple of days, my friend?

Thinking of you & always sending my blessings, warmth and much love xoxox

Hello my beautiful friend,

Thank you so much for the gorgeous things you said. You are so encouraging and uplifting. I was feeling really crapola earlier, so i read your message ninerous times ❤ and it helped 😃 thank you.

Such a beautiful speech by Joaquin. I love the way he uses his standing & status to be a voice for those who don't have one. He does it regularly, i love the way he has challenged actors etc to re-wear their clothing at awards, not catch private jets to ceremonies etc. He has done a lot for bringing climate justice & compassion for animals into the popular consciousness.

Tea. I enjoy ninerous different teas (😊), i like pretty much any herbal teas, eg. My regulars are peppermint (😃xo), lemon, lemon verbena and chammomile (i grow all of these so they're always at hand), i like ginger, i like licorice & fennel teas (are we up to 9 yet?).. i love the idea of watching the rosebuds expand in the hot water, that adds an extra sensory experience to it i should try that. I have never ever tried Chrysanthemum tea, would you recommend?

Speaking of flowers, you asked if sunflowers are my fave. I would have to say no, because they just don't last very long! Theyre fun to grow, but once they flower, they're there for maybe a week and then, goodbye. I looked up the dahlia you mentioned that you love, was it black satin (?), absolutely gorgeous. I might look out for a tuber some time for my garden. I have a few dahlias growing, 2 that i really like because they have dark, almost black foliage which is quite a striking feature, one is called yellow hammer i think, one is bishop of llandaff, i love them also because they flower for months & months & provide pollen for the bees for ages. But what is my favourite flower? I don't know!

I love the idea of a set with 4 tiny cups, it makes the whole pouring ceremony more frequent right? I like that. I hope you find the perfect set! I love looking for vintage cups plates. I found a set of Italian amber tumblers with decanter at an op shop recently that we now use for wine.

I will definitely keep an eye out for the Printed Letter Bookshop. Let me know how you enjoy it. I started Inglorious and i think i am going to enjoy it again. Her state of mind is not very good, maybe it's helping me feel less alone?!

How have you been feeling the last couple of days?

Sorry this post is boring, I'm just not firing on all the cylinders today. Thanks for being here, talking to you has helped me feel better.

Love ❤

🌻b xo

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

My lovely friend, I feel your struggle. I’m holding your struggles close to my heart.

I’m paying attention & listening if you want to share what is troubling you. But, of course, no pressure...you know I’m here ;)

Your post is not boring at all. I enjoy getting to know the different facets of you. It makes you Who You Are.

Please don’t think it has to be a great insight or sharp observation. As much as I value that, I’m also interested in the other parts of you too :)

Your gardening. Your cooking. Your reading. Your op shop visits. Your interests & passions. Your family. Etc. It all matters.

I looked up the synopsis of Inglorious, & it does sound like the protagonist is about to unravel. She seems really lost & unsure. I’ve read some reviews that suggests she’s struggling with existential questions.

I wonder, which aspect of the book do you personally relate to?

I agree it’s great that Joaquin Phoenix is using his status to bring awareness to causes that matter to him. Sadly, private jets generate a disproportionally high levels of greenhouse gas.

Your gardening skills are impressive! I love peppermint (laughs) & chamomile tea. Lemon is soothing with ginger.

You seem to prefer stronger flavours. But chrysanthemum tea has a more subtle flavour, so I would suggest pairing it with something else to give it more flavour. Maybe something sweet?

Laughs, it looks like sunflowers could be the floral world’s impermanence teacher then. Yes, black satin is one of my favourite flowers :)

I looked up Bishop Of Llandaff & yellow hammer, & I must agree that the foliage is striking. Absolutely gorgeous.

The small cups are traditional, & you’re right, it increases the tea pouring frequency :) Those Amber tumblers sound stunning. I wonder what is the story behind preloved items.

I’ve been feeling very sad the past couple of days. I turned to alcohol last night, as it was particularly rough. I had a good cry as well.

I’ve just been emotional. I realise it’s a fine line between “function” & collapse, & it’s sometimes the small daily things we do that makes all the difference...

Washing & cleansing my face each morning. Doing my hair. Putting on makeup. Eating breakfast. Spending time outdoors during the day. Etc. Performing mundane daily life actions sometimes holds the key..

I’m sending you support & comfort, my friend.

Do you have any self nurturing activities for tonight or tomorrow?

With love xoxox

Hello beautiful friend,

I too am here paying attention to you and listening always.

I am wondering how you are feeling today, & hoping that you are just going with it, whatever it is that needs to be felt right now.

I completely understand turning to the alcohol, i have been as well. I've been using it as a crutch lately, admittedly, i keep telling myself that this is the day i won't do that, but i fail each time.

Do you have a social weekend happening or are you taking some time to be alone? I hope you do whatever you feel is right for you. Whatever you decide is absolutely ok.

I like the way you described the little daily routines that have been getting you through, from one moment to the next. I can relate to that a lot, bringing yourself down to this very task right here, it can divert our thoughts for a while from the bigger problems that might be lurking, while we really focus on the tasks at hand. Plus it is taking care of ourselves, one tiny step at a time.

I am going to look out for Chrysanthemum tea, just to try it. I shall report back.

Yes i often wonder about the stories behind preloved/second-hand items. I found at the op shop a set of Irish linen napkins with tablecloth, fully wrapped in their original packaging (little pins holding them in place to the cardboard), it would have been at least from the 60s, such a shame nobody used it all that time. You know how people sometimes (especially older generations i think) saved things for special occasions, & then maybe they just get stored at the back of the cupboard. An amazing find for me also was a Susie Cooper coffee set all immaculately boxed and in mint condition, i looked the collection up online and it's a 1930s collection. I love stuff like that.

I have started renovating a whole section of the garden, mostly vegetable patch, it is good, hard work, & i always feel mentally better after having a nice dig in the garden.

I am making ravioli tonight, well, i am using wonton wrappers, but i have made the filling, it's roast pumpkin and tofu-ricotta with spinach and toasted pine nuts 🤞🤞🤞it's a bit of a test recipe so we shall see!

How about you, have you taken some time for some self-care today?

Thank you for saying my ramblings weren't boring. I love hearing about all your stuff as well, your interests and passions and anything at all, i enjoy learning about the different facets of you.

Thinking of you, and sending love ❤

🌻b xo

Darling friend/beautiful b (& a wave to all),

Thank you so much for being here. For caring, your warmth, & your time. Your friendship is a gift :)

I feel your hurt & struggle. I know the lure of alcohol. The pull can be strong, & it can be hard to resist when we are really hurting...gentle hugs...

What has personally helped me is I try not to keep much alcohol at home. I find once I’m home, I usually can’t be bothered going out to buy more alcohol. So if I have keep small amounts, I end up drinking less, as it’s less “accessible.”

Learning to sit with difficult emotions has helped me too. I’ve found that the better I am at confronting my own pain, the less I turn to alcohol. That’s not to say that I don’t drink, but I just do it less...

That said, I know it’s hard. Really hard. I know you’re floundering & hurting. I’m holding my hand out to you, & sitting by your side to offer some quiet company, my friend...

I’m happy you have been able to spend time in your garden. I know that is your sanctuary. I think it feeds your spirit, & especially lately, you need that nourishment.

What will you be growing in your renovated veggie patch?

I think you’re so creative & adventurous with your cooking. Your ravioli with wonton wrappers sounds very tasty! How was it?

Yes, op shops & flea markets can be treasure troves of rich histories. The Irish linen napkins & tablecloth, & Susie Cooper coffee set were incredible finds! I can imagine your joy when you found them.

I went out with friends, & we let loose on the dance floor. I also saw another friend for an art thing this week.

I’m very grateful for them. Not just for the social aspect, but because I know they have my back. I have people that I can count on, & that is not to be taken for granted

Regularly spending time with friends is part of my self care ;)

I’m very intrigued by Inglorious. I hope you’re enjoying the re-reading. I’ve found a copy at a library, so I’ll see how that goes.

When I was reading Rabbits for Food, it captured one (fictional) woman’s struggles with herself. She’s pretty abrasive, & offends people wherever she goes. To the point of alienating many members of her own family.

It’s hard to know which part of her harsh words is “her”, & which part is a reflection of her mental health struggles. Either way, you can tell she’s hurting

Let me know how you find the chrysanthemum tea.

How is your emotional life- how have you been feeling this weekend?

With warmth & love xoxox

Hello beautiful friend.

I have been writing you a big reply fkr theast 20 minutes and then i accidentally navigated away from the page and i lost the whole thing.

I'll write again later, I'm disappointed.

❤ xo

Happy Sunday beautiful friend ❤

I am so happy to hear that you went out dancing with your friends!  It sounds like it might have been just what you needed.  Letting loose on the dancefloor can really help shift emotions sometimes,  but importantly also, it's just So Much Fun.

I miss going out dancing regularly with friends - we all live far apart now, & there are babies/children as well.  As you now, our kitchen becomes The Club for us & occasionally our neighbours.  It's been a while though.  (Mardi gras is coming up though, that's a good excuse for a party right?).

It is so good that you have found this tribe of yours. That spending time with them is part of your self-care routine.  Knowing they have your back is a huge blessing in life,  i am so pleased for you.

How was the art thing with yiur other friend?

Oh definitely, skeletal stocks of alchohol is a brilliant strategy. I am the same, if it's not here, at hand, i won't go out especially to get it. There was a delivery from Goodwill Wine a few days ago though, so ...
y  e  a  h .....

You found Inglorious!  Cool! I am only 40 pages in, but am enjoying it. 

I like the dark comedy of it. She is pretty much unravelling, & sometimes i feel like i am too!  She makes these awesome to-do lists (this won't spoil anything), like:

1. Clean the bath
2. Read the complete works of Proust,  Shakespeare & the rest
3. Buy spaghetti
4. Distinguish the various philosophies of The Way
5. Get a job
6. Pinpoint the meaning of life

I find it cleverly dark, humorous & philosophical.

I have decided to focus on growing garlics & greens for a while. When i first made this veg patch, i planted roses and dahlias in the middle to attract bees & to have a bit of a french potager feel. Now that it's more established, i need more room for the veg, & it's turned into a complete makeover. I will leave the zucchinis, pumpkins, melons, eggplants that are growing for now, & i pulled all the carrots yesterday,  but then I'm just going to focus on spinach, silverbeet, herbs, lettuce varieties, bok choy etc and garlics.

I have heen feeling good today and yesterday, but Friday i was a wreck.  I am taking it day by day.  I have talked too much.

Love ❤

🌻b  xo