Hi beautiful friend,
Here is my hand, take hold. I will sit with you in your sadness. You sound flat and maybe drained. I want you to know you are in my heart and thoughts. I know you are hurting.
No, that does not sound silly in the slightest. You can take as much time as you want or need. When it feels right, that is the time that it will be right. Not to say that you will want to do it this way, but you could also do a series of small things/honourings/offerings/ceremonials, that add up to a whole, over time, or tell a story of sorts. If that makes sense.
I did something similar when i had to say goodbye to my closest friend a few years ago. I couldn't seem to conjure the perfect offering, so i did it in small acts, each i tried to make as perfect as i could. Examples were: a weeping cherry blossom i planted in a special place; a piece of art i created; a small private ceremony at a favourite lookout.
I couldn't seem to create the perfection i wanted in a big "ceremony", so broke it down. It helped me, & maybe in some ways it eased my anguish by allowing myself to do it bit by bit. Doing it all at once may have felt too big, too final, i don't know. I was a mess at the time - i guess i could only cope with breaking down the enormity of the pain i felt saying goodbye, into smaller sections or something like that.
I thought i would share that in case it helped you in some way.
There is no hurry, no matter what or how you decide to do it.
I agree that subjecting yourself to poverty (à la Rosa!) would not be a perfect plan. Building your creative/artistic portfolio and skills sounds nurturing, fulfilling and achievable. It's a good goal. Now that you've decided not to go to Paris, you could divert some of the $ you were going to spend doing that, towards your creative endeavours.
How lovely to have the visit to your friend to look forward to, after not seeing her for so long, i am happy to hear that you have that on your horizon.
Hmm, when Rosa goes to visit the couple in the country, i found it such an arresting juxtaposition of their jolly, "delightful", wholesome rural life against Rosa's solitary, intensely private turmoil. I was expecting her to be embraced in this nurturing loveliness, cared & fawned over - but the scene at the dinner table just showed their ignorance i think, the way they told of Grace & Liam's visit, so insensitive! " 'They say you were depressive, overbearing, self-obsessed,' said Will. He was so natirally congenial that he smiled as he said it." They live in a different universe!!
What did you find sinister about the scene? I felt my anguish for her escalating so much, because i had anticipated that getaway as being a reprieve for Rosa, somewhere she could catch her breath, the poor darling.
I have just read the NYE dinner party scene with Bunny &Albie's awful "friends" at The Red Monkey. Oh Em Gee-ness. These people! The convo about the "tradizionale" vs "condimentos" balsamic vinegar And Trudy stoops to using the commercial grade to make her salad dressing at home ("Oh Trudy, how could you?!") 😂 & then Bunny "wonders how much longer she can sit at a table with 5 people engaged in passionate discourse about balsamic vinegar, the answer to which turns out to be three seconds." I don't blame her.
Great, let me know when you get a copy of Come To The Edge, we can read it together.
Do you have any books lined up on your To-Read list?
I think i might be running out of room here, but i will tell you that i achieved 2 small things off my list today which were anxiety bugs for me 👍(i didn't unearth the TEMP though 👎)
Character counter doesn't work, so, better go for now.