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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

Topic: Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

  1. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    426 posts
    21 October 2020
    It's also important to note just how bad it is. It doesn't function properly when I tried to have sex. Now I had to have surgery on it and it still is playing up and it hasn't settled down. My self esteem is at an all time low
  2. james1
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    27 October 2020 in reply to Azzdog

    Hello Aaron,

    I'm sorry to hear you need to have surgery to have it function properly. I can only imagine the various feelings you may have about that, and it sounds like your self esteem has taken a real toll.

    I hope you can recover from this in the knowledge that any physical challenges, or even mental challenges, you face are not strange or uncommon. The pain you feel is something shared by many men whether they need surgery or not, and the hardest part is learning how to accept ourselves because, frankly, others will never judge us as harshly as ourselves.

    James

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  3. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    426 posts
    17 December 2020

    Hey,

    So it has been a while. I think this year has been so intense that I haven't felt the need, or more importantly, felt up to coming on here. I do feel like I get stuck from time to time having high expectations with this forum.

    So it is Christmas. Hard to believe I actually once enjoyed this time of the year. I used to get so excited by the entire season. The decorations, the Christmas carols, and the presents (obviously). Now I am so exhausted by the season and can't wait for it to finish.

    It's the advertising and the marketing that really gets me down. It is a time for families. It is a time for loved ones. I still feel like I am a long way away from that. It really frustrates and scares me.

    I understand this year has been tough for all. I am not denying that or undermining it. I can only truly express how I feel and this is what I am doing now.

    Recovering from a circumcision has not been fun. One of the tougher things I have had to go through. It almost destroyed my confidence and self esteem. But, without jinxing it, I think I am in the clear now which is a good feeling to have.

    I have been feeling a lot more stable but prone to feeling isolated, confused, ugly and unloveable. I really feel like I am completely misunderstood being a sensitive soul. Makes it harder to connect because it takes longer to connect with me than someone who just wants instant gratification.

    Also had my graduation ceremony last Monday. I now have a Master of Secondary Teaching. I'm still trying to process the Bachelor of Arts from two years ago.

    I have no idea what purpose this post serves. I have a lot on my mind but I don't know how to articulate it. Maybe I'll try again tomorrow. For now, I feel like I am an island unto myself. Drifting through life while others seem to have and get the experiences I want with no bother.

  4. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8755 posts
    18 December 2020 in reply to Azzdog

    Hi Azzdog,

    Congratulations on receiving your Master of Secondary Teaching.

    Sorry to read it has been such a hard year for you and this time of year is making you feel exhausted. There can be so many expectations and desires we long to have filled, then throw in the pressure of Christmas and all it can represent and we feel we don't have and the negatives can multiply.

    Is there anything you are looking forward to in the next few days? Are you making any plans for next year? I am considering changes I can make myself to enhance my own life experiences.

    This has been one crazy year hasn't it! I'm learning to be more adaptable to changes and to try be more accepting.

    I don't have any answers for you Azzdog, just wanted to let you know someone is listening to what you are saying.

    Cheers from Dools

  5. Azzdog
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    426 posts
    18 December 2020 in reply to Doolhof

    Hey Dools,

    Nice to hear from you. It has been a while. And thank you! That means a lot.

    I have actually been doing somethings to keep myself busy. I managed to finish my resume and I am going to apply for a few things. One of those things is that I am applying for a tutoring role to work in schools to help kids who have fallen behind because of COVID.

    I have also started a meetup group for musicians which had its inaugural meetup last week. We are planning to do one next week too. I have also been trying to eat a bit better which, I guess, is a new years resolution haha

  6. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5765 posts
    18 December 2020 in reply to Azzdog

    hi Aaron.

    long time no see. Sorry I missed your post the other night. Last night I went to a blue Christmas service - not everyone enjoys the Christmas period.

    Congrats on getting your Masters.

    And it has been a pretty horrid year! I don't know what effect everything with Covid might have had on you, but that thrown on top on everything you were dealing with would be difficult.

    I have probable told you this previously but it s something that has really helped me out... sometimes when we try to climb up to the top of the mountain we have to go down to valleys and from there we can a better path to the top.

    Now, honestly speaking, I don't know if I will ever get to the top. At least I can find some solace in knowing that when I am feeling down there is a point, somewhere in the future when I will start to go up again.

    Knowing how much you dislike this time of the year, I will say this... I hope you will be able to find some time when you can enjoy being you.

    Tim

  7. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8755 posts
    19 December 2020 in reply to Azzdog

    Hi Azzdog,

    I really like your idea of wanting to help out in schools. Students of all ages have had it really tough this year. I am sure there are some who have managed to adapt and have done very well, no doubt others have struggled with the disruptions and changes to their learning patterns.

    Years ago I helped out at school listening to children read, I enjoyed that. I have also helped out with breakfast clubs, that was a lot of fun. I'm not sure if our local schools do that. May be something I could consider again next year.

    The meet up group for musicians sound interesting. I'm thankful this year I managed to stay in touch with a group of ladies who do crafts. I have been inspired by them and the interaction and creating has been beneficial to my mental health.

    My new psychologist is telling me to try and just live one moment at a time and one day at a time. I feel we sometimes need a little forward planning as well. I like Tim's analogy of the mountain.

    Good to have a chat with you Azzdog. It is wonderful you have some plans and prospects.

    Cheers for now from Dools

  8. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8755 posts
    19 December 2020 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi Tim,

    I really like your analogy of the mountain top experience. Me, I am trying to enjoy the view along the way and take breaks when needed.

    Lately I have been doing some sewing, it has been good therapy. At first my frazzled brain couldn't work out how to even thread the machine! I have been making a few simple items family and friends will receive for gifts.

    As others have mentioned, it is important to be with people all through the year when we can, to show kindness and care as well as hospitality when possible and welcoming people. I am going to try and do more of that next year.

    Wishing you days of peace and wonderful glimpses of mountain tops, even if that is from the valley floor where it is cool and calming!

    Cheers to you and all the best for the rest of December from Dools

  9. james1
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    23 December 2020 in reply to Azzdog

    Hello Aaron,

    I can understand how you feel about Christmas. Personally, Christmas is either amazing or terrible, depending on whether I am in a relationship or not. As you said, it's a time to spend with family and loved ones, and I'm not particularly close to family. So if I don't speak to you before Christmas, I hope this year's Christmas is okay and you can find something small to enjoy amidst all the hoohah. I'll certainly be trying to limit the amount of time I spend doing Christmassy things, and maximising the time spent with my dog.

    Congratulations on the masters! I'm glad you've been able to keep yourself busy with things, and I hope your work and meetup initiatives go well.

    James

  10. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    426 posts
    24 December 2020

    Hey everyone,

    First of all I hope you all (James, Dools and Tim) have a lovely Christmas and a Happy New Year. We survived one of the worst years I can think of. So I think we should all get a present just for that 😂

    I think I will be able to enjoy Christmas a lot more than last year. Christmas, last year, was during the peak of me trying to understand why my relationship was breaking down and trying to process everything. This year I feel free of all those obligations so it will be nice to catch up with the family and try to end this miserable year on a reasonable note.

    Oh yeah I remember doing a breakfast club at school Dools! That was so much fun though I don't know if schools do that anymore. I haven't heard anything about it on my placements.

    I do like the analogy of the mountain too Tim. I wonder if actually never reaching the peak is a silver lining. It means that you always feel like something better is about to come along. Hopefully it never overwhelms you or anything but after reaching the peak there really is nowhere else to go.

    Thank you James! I appreciate it. I too will be spending a lot of my Christmas with my two dogs. For the older one, this may be her last Christmas.

  11. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5765 posts
    24 December 2020 in reply to Azzdog
    And merry Christmas to you Aaron.

    I think it can be or is the silver lining. On the journey, I am up from where I started and the height and width of the mountain is whatever it is.... Not a mountain by name but of my imagination.
  12. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8755 posts
    25 December 2020 in reply to Azzdog

    Hi Aaron and to all reading,

    Wishing you a Christmas Day that is okay. It may be a bit like Tim's mountain! You can see in the distance what you would like to happen, you just might not be able to get there so being content with where you are at can help with feeling at peace within.

    I've been stressing about working Christmas Day and realise that has taken away from the joy I could have been experiencing these last couple of days. I have also been sharing my stressed attitude with others so hope i have ruined their Christmas experience!

    So I am off to work soon. For now I am sitting in a quiet house. I'd like to phone someone to have a chat with them and to wish them a Merry Christmas and have them wish me the same. Maybe I will find the cat and chat to her!

    I'm going to try to enjoy the day!

    Cheers to you Aaron and to All from Dools

  13. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    426 posts
    27 December 2020

    Hey everyone,

    Had a bit of a rough day again. The whole "I may never have another relationship" really hit hard today. Went to the MCG today and saw some people in relationships which hit hard.

    I also had another painful moment when I looked in the mirror for the first time in ages. I realised that I am very overweight and am ashamed of how bad I've let it get. I am trying online dating but since I look overweight, and I have seen the scales too, I don't have the courage to put a picture (or pictures up).

    I feel defeated at the moment

  14. james1
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    30 December 2020 in reply to Azzdog

    Hey Aaron,

    Were you at the MCG for the Boxing Day test? That was a disappointing game :(.

    Sorry to hear how you feel like you may never have another relationship again, and that you feel ashamed of your weight. I know how hard it's been for you over the years and it's been very much related to these two topics. I guess there's not much more to say that you don't already know, but I hope you can look back at the year and find some good things among the more challenging times.

    My ex and I broke up early this year and it's been challenging getting through this holiday period, especially since she's been dating and has a new boyfriend, while I'm on my own struggling to get a date. The dates I've been on haven't come through in the end. At times I wonder if there's something wrong with me and I can't honestly say that I've dispelled those thoughts. Instead, I try to just look at it on a moment by moment basis. If I have the dog (we share him), I try to spend time with him. If I don't, I try to do things that have nothing to do with relationships because that just makes me feel worse about myself, and I'm quite sensitive at the moment.

    I dunno. I think there's a time and place to reflect on myself and think about my future, and a time and place to distract from it all. I hope you're doing okay today.

    James

  15. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    2 January 2021 in reply to Azzdog

    Hi Aaron and happy new year - here's to a better one hey?

    IT's been a while since I was on this forum too so I have decided to make a come back and see how things are - including your thread

    Sounds like you've been through a hell of a lot. The relationships thing hit me hard yesterday as well. I've close to given up on improving my health - of course that was hard during 2019 as my main form of exercise was shut due to covid. Once gyms opened again I never really got back into it. I find it boring, but I digress.

    I am now of the opinion that onling dating and apps that are geared around it are fake by default. My new mission/modus operandi is try to and move into the real world asap. If someone says I am being too quick then so be it, but humans aren't wired for online interaction only. We need real world interactions. So therefore I made the conclusion that this is my new approach to online dating apps. That of course is if I am not ghosted - something I will now no longer stand. I'm really over that. The entire game is rigged I think.

    In terms of study - well done on completing your masters. That's a hell of an achievement and you should be proud. I am looking at going back to study sometime soon to boost my employablity and move to a better job. at the moment my job is a test on everything I have - patience, attitude, morale and mental health. But I know that if i quit then I'll be stuck in a situation I was in say 18 months ago when I didn't have a job at all. I have to keep pushing myself and maybe this explains my lax attitude towards my health aye? Fair to say I am also a bit embarassed by my job because many people think I study law (which I considered but have since done away with due to the cost - it would breach the 100K limit on HECS debt which I have already made up through my other degree I finished in 2018). I think I'd be a good lawyer - based on some of the people I have seen at work lol.... but again I am talking about myself too much. I hope you have some level of familiarity with the themes of what I'm saying though mate.

    Take care and chat soon

    - Hams

  16. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    426 posts
    5 January 2021

    Hey James and Mitch,

    Yeah I was at the boxing day test. It was a pretty disappointing game but we were outplayed from the outset. We need to get our batting in order as our bowling does too much work. Honestly it was just nice to be at the MCG again. It was the first time in 2020 that I was able to go.

    I actually spent New Year's Eve reflecting on the year that has passed. Managing to complete my masters, learning some valuable interpersonal skills that I can take into 2021 and future relationships. I do feel like 2020 was not a waste but a valuable year where I learnt some priceless skills.

    I am sorry to hear that your relationship ended James and that she has found someone else. If it is any consolation at all I am going through the exact same thing. Found out a few weeks ago my ex is in another relationship. I find it really frustrating that people like her can easily find other relationships really easily. Online dating has been really painful as of late and it has been dragging me down a lot.

    I try and spend time with my dog too. She is a lot of fun and can help distract me from all the crap.

    I pretty much agree with you on online dating Mitch. The approach to get it offline as quickly as possible is a great idea. It is actually something I've been trying but, at the moment, to no avail. Being ghosted is something I have had to go through quite a lot at the moment. It really is deflating and demoralising.

    I am not so certain that it is rigged. I just feel the whole concept of dating is really distorted and we don't get a full picture of it in mainstream culture. It is often seen as a process that, with a little bit of work, will pay off. However, for people like us, it is a painful and arduous process where the amount of hard work we put in has very little to no payoff. I mean I don't think this would change anything but having different perspectives on this in mainstream society would be a nice change of pace.

    Thank you my dude! It was challenging but somehow I managed to graduate despite 2020 being a complete write-off. I really hope that things work out with your future plans. Hopefully this year will allow you to be able to spend more time on mental health. That is 100% a priority and can affect other aspects of your life. You have always struck me as someone who is constantly trying to think of how to better yourself. I hope I am not wrong as I find that inspiring.

    Talk soon

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  17. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
    8755 posts
    6 January 2021 in reply to Azzdog

    Hi Aaron, James Mitch and All reading,

    It may not be very appropriate to wish you a Happy New Year as life has been tough on many fronts for so many people. So maybe, "hope you can make the most out of each day" may be more appropriate. That is going to be my motto for a while.

    Relationships in general can be difficult, if you are in one or not there seems to be issues one way or another unless you find a perfect match! Not sure that happens too often.

    Aaron, how did it feel at the MCG with restrictions? Did it feel weird or different? We used to go there a couple of times a year for footy or the cricket from S.A. I remember the feel of the crowd on a Boxing Day match, it was so alive!

    Wish I had the words to share to encourage you all in regards to meeting new people and forming relationships. I'm in a relationship and guess there are times I take it for granted and wish I was elsewhere! Maybe I need to be more aware of what I do have!

    Cheers to you all from Dools

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  18. james1
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    17 January 2021 in reply to Azzdog

    Hey Aaron,

    I'm glad you got to get out! I managed to watch Pippin the musical before all our cases popped up again in Sydney, so I was pretty happy to get out for a night.

    I'm pleased to hear that you were able to reflect a bit on NYE and find that 2020 wasn't a waste. I think it can be really easy to fall into the trap of seeing just the negative things that happened, when actually we learn a lot every single year. Taking time to reflect on that is really great, because you can feel just a little bit better about it and also because it can help some of those lessons sink in better.

    Dools, I hope you are having a good start to the year!

    James

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  19. Azzdog
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    426 posts
    2 June 2021

    Hey everyone,

    Long time no chat. I thought I'd check in again as life has gotten to me again.

    I didn't say anything earlier this year but I was in another relationship. It was with a friend of mine. To cut a long story short it didn't work out but good news is that we are still friends and working on that at the moment.

    To put simply, I had really distressed at the moment right now because lockdown is in place again in Melbourne. I am really over it now. It is getting in the way of developing more skills in my career, continuing on with my music group, and developing more social skills. This can't keep going on as it is going, if it hasn't already, to cause a massive mental health crisis.

    Another issue is that my lack of intimacy is really destroying me right now. The fact I am unable to be able to have sex right now after all the work I have done on myself is bringing me down a lot. I feel like I am back where I was in 2018. I have gone through so much over the past five years and I am still no closer to being able to have sex, or a healthy sex life. I haven't felt this low in a long, long time.

  20. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
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    3 June 2021 in reply to Azzdog

    hi Aaron, long time no hear. Good to get an update from you. I did hear about the lockdown when it all started and then today I think it has been extended? Either way, it really sucks there is no reprieve from this. From when I started responded to you here, I also see a number of the changes that can be considered as improvements - music, another relationship,

    I am not sure what I could say about the issues with intimacy and I am sure you have looked into this with experts. And with all the work you have done the feeling of not moving forward. :( ... Not sure if you remember the story I mentioned about the sheep in the paddock and from my own situations is that change is possible. I still have many other things to work on, but one fix is a start.

  21. Doolhof
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    Doolhof avatar
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    4 June 2021 in reply to Azzdog

    HI Azzdog,

    Just dropping by to say Hi. Wish I had some answers for you. Those lock downs are necessary but so darn hard to take all the time I am sure. The uncertainty must be difficult for many people to cope with.

    It is frustrating when we feel like we have made an achievement then we feel like we are slipping into a set back again. People tell us to just get on with life, to move on, to just do something.

    Some days it is hard to do anything let alone something that will help! I get that! I hope you are somehow able to find some ways to move forward. When you find out the way to do, let us all in on the secret!

    Hope the lock downs end soon! Regards from Dools

  22. james1
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    7 June 2021 in reply to Azzdog

    Hey Aaron,

    It's nice to hear from you, but I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling really low again. it's a shame that relationship didn't work out, but at least you've found a way forward even if that wasn't what you'd hoped for originally.

    It sounds really tough to feel like you're back where you started, or at least no closer to having a healthy sex life after all the work you've put in. I feel really similarly every time I'm back to being single, and it really sets me back mentally because it feels like nothing I do really matters and I have no control over my own life. I imagine the lockdowns and the pressure that puts on the other parts of your life just make it all a bit overwhelming.

    Hopefully the lock down ends soon so you can at least keep going with some of the progress you've made in your career and social skills. Until then, it's worth remembering that your progress hasn't gone backwards there and you can pick it back up later.

    James

  23. HamSolo01
    HamSolo01 avatar
    820 posts
    7 June 2021 in reply to Azzdog

    Hey Azzdog.

    Good to hear from you mate.

    Life has a way of doing these things hey?

    I have no words of wisdom my friend. I can only lend me sympathies.

    the whole realm of sex and intimacy seems like an unknown - but perhaps these two things are different .

    I would submit that our modern ethos around these two things confuses them as the same.

    Lately I have been thinking about it a lot. Its so empty.

    Anyway. I hope you're well mate despite what's happening

    You have our ears here

  24. Azzdog
    Azzdog avatar
    426 posts
    9 June 2021

    Hi all,

    Thank you to all that replied. It is good to hear from you all and I hope you are all doing well.

    Hey Tim, the good news here in Victoria is that lockdown will be over and we will return to some degree of normality. Friday is when we return to face to face classes which is a relief. Zoom classes are not fun and it is practically impossible to form any kind of connection with the kids. It's okay about the intimacy. There really isn't a simple answer and if there was I would be laughing lol. I am in the process of finding a new psychologist as I have finished with my previous one. It is exhausting but hopefully I will be able to find another one soon.

    Hi Dools, I don't know if this is an earth shattering secret but I do have one way that keeps me grounded. If I am having a bad day I try to make sure that I do at least one thing that's in line with my values and where I want to go with my life. It is not much but it does go a long way.

    Hey James, it was a shame the relationship didn't work out but the good news is that we are still friends. I think it would have been an absolute tragedy if it had ended the friendship. I do feel you about feeling like being back at the start and not having control over your life. I am feeling like that at the moment. But, as a I said to Dools, I am trying to look at least one positive that I did every day to keep myself on track.

    Hey Mitch, thats all good mate. It's one of those things that just has to resolve itself at some point right? As long as we keep doing the work and keep moving forward (and all other related cliches lol). I still think (not that this is a particularly helpful thought) that society just takes it all for granted. It makes vulnerable people like us feel inadequate.

  25. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5765 posts
    9 June 2021 in reply to Azzdog

    Hi Aaron,

    Firstly I want to compliment you on the way you seem to be handling yourself these days. It seems like you have come a long way from when you were first here.

    I hear you about zoom classes. Daughter was at uni for a couple of weeks and some of the lecturers could hardly be heard and that was with volume turned right up!

    Good luck with finding a new psychologist. And good to hear about the lockdown.

  26. james1
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    12 June 2021 in reply to Azzdog

    Hey Aaron,

    Ah, I'm glad to hear you were still able to stay in touch. It sounds like that's a really important friendship to you.

    Looking at one positive every day is a great way to just get by, day by day, when life's tough. As Tim said, you've come a long way since we first started chatting way back when. It's easy to forget that, and sometimes it feels like we're right back where we started, but you've been making lots of little small steps over this time.

    Anyway, nice to hear from you again. Best of luck finding a new psychologist!

    James

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