Hi DB, Butterfly Wings (SN), GG, Mathy and all readers;

What warm, caring and supportive posts by Butterfly Wings (SN) and GG. Beautiful...

Sorry, I’ll be back later with a longer post. In a bit or a rush now.

Soul hugs to all,

Pepper xoxo

Hey loves yes they're beautiful soul touchers aye Peps, missed you hope you not worse 🤗

So glad to be part of tbis friendship & support group here & others here bb, LOT of time for

Ditto lot going on atm today chokka & nxt few days

2.5brs sleep last night had sp.needs tt, can catch 1 hr if happens before MH visit then coffee couple lovely friends then more sleep hoping & back here tonight

Something amazing happened just what needed so bad. See how she blows. Blown away biggly

Grandy im touched you coming here as with the other magics. Care DEEPLY bout yaz all

Spent an age early morning posting dunno why but not goin tbrough it said but all good.

V.busy today & nxt couple too sooo need to recover & sleep but holding really well, thx deeply for heart replies, although i do have to think bout beasties talk part too i knows right cause couple things i need to work on with posts but good for learning, v.hard changing life habits moreso budging block of cement in head. Grandy you articulate beautifully all of you actually

See you later xx

Soz tablet playing up cant get new sentences down to next line can on pc.

Thankyou xx truly girls, self doubt will take longer but all part of learning & getting beast under wraps

I WILL get there just not overnight like all of us.

Will try get to yaz tonite

So appreciated 🤗🤗🤗

Hi lovely DB and all,

It certainly has been a very intense few days for you. This cycle sounds very emotionally charged.

Take your time with posts and replies. There’s no rush. Just when you’re feeling up to it. Your health comes first.

I think GG and Butterfly Wings have pretty much said it all. Like both of them plus many others here, I also admire your determination and ability to track/self assess your mood.

The lack of sleep must be making things harder for you...2.5 hours isn’t much, I don’t think.

As an aside, and maybe it’s not relevant, but I wonder if you’re fighting your emotions a little too much. Maybe if you just let the emotions “flow” (i.e. run its course) without necessarily analysing or giving it too much attention...just riding out the wave of emotion (as opposed to swimming against the emotional tide), I wonder if it would be a tiny bit less distressing that way.

Anyway, that might not apply to you plus I don’t have bipolar so you probably shouldn’t take my suggestions too seriously. Just sharing my thoughts, that’s all....

Aw, thank you so much for caring and asking about me. I really appreciate it. You’re a very wonderful friend to so many people here (including me).

I’m holding up as best I can. I might write a little on my own thread as I don’t want to sidetrack this conversation too much.

Also, loving all the soul hugs. Here’s one from me to you :)

Pepper xoxo

Hello pepper,

you are right DB should take it easy and not post if not up it it, I agree with you pepper that db is such a special person and friend, very caring as you are to hun.

I'm sorry pepper that your struggling a bit today, it must be the day for it.. I also posted on my thread not wanting to pull anyone down here.

Hope your day picks up and you feel better later on, remember, hope is always here, find it hang on to it and hope tomorrow is a better day,

Take care of yourselves, DB, Pepper, SN and everyone reading.

kindness only 🦋🦋🤗🌈🌈🤗

GG

And thankyou lovely darling lady another strong support,we're a good bunch looking out for eachother aye.xx

You say you dont know what to say but your posts never fail to have care, support & substance, you've listened & learnt here well. Tools for survival our strength.

I know because of that you WILL get hold of them by the b.ouncy things 😉 Truth

Told you before seen steel in you

You're all bloody magic. Thanks for being here & know i for you all too 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗

Grandy answered you in Peps reply back a bit xx

afternoon DB

how did your BBQ go last night?

and i agree, please only post when your up for it, theres no pressure at all. we all know you care but we also have offline commitments xox

Hugs to you to Grand and Pepper xoxo Sitting here with you all, in hopes that will bring even a little bit of light for you xox

Hello DB,SN,Pepper, and everyone else reading,

just popped in to say hello, take good care of yourselves, Love sitting with you SN,DB,Pepper, today taking a few hugs if I can I'm in need of them today.

Hugs I took I will replace 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗 🦋🦋🌈🌈.hugs that are given are good to receive. 🦋

GG

Hey lovelies and all lovelies listening (if lol)

Grandy you're such a cutey mwah's (kisses) & you too take good care our lady, you're so lovable
In case you didn't see I replied in Peps reply back a few somewhere.
Best for tomoz hun, wrote in other thread too. Thoughts (( soul hugs ))

Starts: Thanks always to you too darling, and for asking bout BBQ was good, shame none of the tt mob turned up but know a few there.
Something amazing happened after BBQ won't detail yet but WOW!!!

Thanks also as said to Grandy & goes for Peps, Mathy, ( you ok I hope hun) ROCKSTAR (never far from my thoughts good good lady) and other caring people that have been here for support esp you guys in other threads, much appreciation as well as for the people you all are. Beautiful souls xx

TT Xmas party tomoz morning/lunch oops bed time but had a couple more hrs sleep before, Pizza was suggested, 2nd attempt at rounding up a few regulars so that'll be good and more sleep to catch up on return. Has to be sporadic, atm yeah r/l busy as but great.

Thanks good people

Hi DB and all,

I’m glad the BBQ ended on such a good note. It must have been pretty exciting...

I think it’s fantastic that you’re leading such an active offline social life. Pizza tomorrow sounds great. I hope you enjoy the party and that many people show up.

I know Starwolf is never far from your mind (and always in your heart). You know that quote about how some people come into our lives and we are never the same again? I think that applies in this case as she had (has) such a profound impact on you. What a beautiful friendship you have with her :)

Aw GG, thank you for the lovely message. I agree with DB and Butterfly Wings (SN) that you’re a very caring and warm person. It sounds like you’re doing it tough too and that yesterday was difficult for you.

I would also like to offer some hugs to you (only if you’re comfortable with them, GG). Yes, we can all sit together for company and support. I like the sound of that :)

Thanks Wings, Sitting with you too...

Soul hugs to all,

Pepper xoxo

Hello Db,SN,Pepper,

Thank you all for your kind words,

Survival..being in a better place, beginning to ask myself, is there are better place and WHERE IS IT, how far away is it.?

I hope you all have a peaceful day with positivity in your thoughts. Just wanted you to all know I'm thinking of you all today,

Be kind to yourselves,

Kind thoughts and sending healing powers you way, oh and hugs. 🤗🤗🤗.

GG.

Hey lovelies

Re TT Xmas party tomoz morning/lunch (Pizza) yeah good on me, it's next week stuff it REALLY needed sleep in "but wait there's more" lol, the poor chooky rang today & along the way I thought it is today I said thanks etc, feel stink but I DEFINATELY said to the bloke when I ordered it's on the 12th a couple of times, remember checking calendar and writing down, but she'd started them. She was good but hard convincing her cause of our call that I was truthing, credit to the poor devo'd chooky she was good .... daghhh Pretty sure she believes me but one of those times when it looks like you're BS-ing but not.

Had a couple of games with seniors (separate day to one I usually go) so that was good. Bummed but what can ya do. Would have honored it if I wasn't positive I did say to the guy the right date. Thank god for small mercies, not a hope of paying it off in a hurry. Bust, too much fun but trying not to stress, survived as a gambler can now too.

Peps yeah VERY happy but time will tell now. Nice memories if nothing else. REALLY GOOD ONES, I think it'll continue. Tricky one but good. Sorry I'm usually easy to be open but for now for reasons (not mine) yeah yeah raving on.
Thanks as always for beautiful caring posts xx

Grandy I'm sure I've been in your thread haven't I, what's it called hun, couldn't find it and it's not bumped up & you said somewhere you posted in it recently, wanna be there for you too

Startsy thanks for your beautiful sitting with us hoping for light, you're a beautiful girl xx
You all are, not just words. Truth

Maths (hoping you're afk (away from keyboard) busy not unwell xx

Care bout yaz (souls)

BP day 30

Been in recovery for about wk & halfish.

Before start of cycle heavy down day pulled through but rough. (unusual to be so heavy before, use to be in retrospect but not maybe that low usually)
Some days fought off crap thoughts (useless ones, nothing to be able to deal with or change just trying to pull me down) with Hard self talk, worked, maybe over a couple hrs.
One day was on way to walk to town sitting & HEAVY down (deep close to wanting to leave type) but pulled our quickly, lasted about 4 minutes, would have stayed there if hadn't challenged it by being aware 'IT's the beast and can't remember what else but got out VICTORY!!!!

Realised recently this hasn't taken yrs to tackle, well it has because I wasn't working on it all like these days more so. When I managed to pull down the mania which also didn't take long at all to manage surprisingly although had many super highs since but didn't remember to do the meditation thing often but must have eventually to continue to bring them down.
So lately been concentrating on the downs, WOW what a buzz, getting there. Man it's amazing.

Long way to go with other aspects of the beast like self worth, liking myself way more now ..."are we there yet" nah but happy to be getting there.
Learning to handle tiredness a lot more, boyo this one was a doozy for lack of as always but this ranked highly amongst them. Pushed the envelope a bit this one, partly because of new found ways of coping, to trial & error, and always the nature of it anyway, that may not change by the sounds.

I"m accepting now through hearing more form WK & Doc that it'll always be there but I'll be in full control over it. YEAH MAN! WOW mammoth to get hold of.

Rare the tiredness being so extreme that I get very dry in mouth, tongue, Doc said ? dehydration, could be but I do drink lot of water usually, have had times of mouth ulcers through sheer deep exhaustion, these days I don't hit the wall as such & then it'd keep pushing. But close to full exhaustion.

Was very social this one, and here too, distraction been good, mood tried today after getting up from sleep to pull me but here's helped, migrainy family head not helping issue. Think from neck they reckon but don't know for sure, had brain scan, YES HAVE ONE, yehaaa for that and no bads.

Only one other slight mania amongst coming down. Tiredness can bring it on too

Maybe over w/e if no social might be outta this one.

HI DB,

Wowie Zowie that’s a hell of a ride you’ve been/are on.

I’m impressed that you’re posting and coherent, that’s a majorly achievement, I feel. I know zilch about BP mind you, so don’t take me too seriously :)

One thing I do know from my MH struggles is that sleep is a massive regulator of mood. I have known one person who is BP, in fact had a relationship with them, many moons ago. I’m wondering if a part of taming IT is getting to a point where enforcing sleep structure is a part of the taming plan.

I dunno, I know that when I hit the wall and get depressed, all I want to do is sleep or pull the doona over my head. But it must be different for you, because when mania hits, I guess you can’t/don’t sleep? Or struggle to sleep?

Probably haven’t been much use, but I’m trying to work some of this out, so I tend to ask questions 😞

Anyways, big, bold hugs to you, cheers M :)

Good cya Maths missed you ☺ have you been ok. How are you going with your issues? Here or your thread Im easy, sshhh dont tell anyone 😲

Yeah ive noticed too sleep/depression linked my theory's most at the least MH/illness depression's present.

Thats right re sleep structure, Very big mountain to conquer, will but take lot of work, mania charges up the brain, boundless energy, thoughts speed up, zoom, got them bit tamed, its amazing to experience. You know how our brains continuosly think, add vroooom! & we can keep up with it. Completely zoned in.Lights go on, before in type 1 it was like a super sonic jet plane speed.

ditto questions I want to understand others probs.

Was going to ask you & plz dont if you feel it could be detrimental to your MH & progress but would you be interested in posting how PTSD affects you in "Your mental Illness..what goes on. Eventually I'll get stuff from net but good from people personally too.

Takes power of Goliath to be coherent, one post one night took literally hrs stoked though kept at it & won. Most take while anyway

Thx I can't yet articulate well in any circumstances mostly, concentration's always been poor exacerbated in BP

So much more to it, working on improvement reading here. Always been major frustration

How was it for you both in relationship?

Everything you say is helpful & valid Maths, appreciate you. Good value 🤗

Tc

Hey DB,

Quick reply:

Melatonin - is good for regulating sleep - google “Melatonin sleep” - it’s not a drug.

When the spirit (and mood) moves you, do the research, hugs M :)

Hi DB and Hello all. Thread..Alone,depressed,sad..will get back later..

GG

Hi DB, GG, Mathy, Butterfly Wings (SN) and all;

As is often the case with you, you seem to be getting on top of your BP cycles. The latest down sounds as though it was a very deep low but I’m glad you managed to tame the black dog.

I hope you get some rest because, as you said, you’re pretty tired. The mania seems to have taken its toll on your energy reserves.

Thanks for the lovely words to me as well :) Always appreciated.

Soul hugs to all,

Pepper xoxo

Maths Thx hun, I think we make it don't we in the body? malfunctions with stress but just trying to remember facts.
I"ve put that on notes on PC so will suss sometime. Some over the counter, even natural can have adverse reactions with meds so I'd check it first but interested. Cheers. Sure you'll be enjoying your cricket :) Cya in your Cricket tragics thread, loven it :D

Grandy my sweet, got there, thought I had been, glad you mentioned it. Lovely to see such a tribe looking out for you, more reason to like yourself hun, OH you're lovable. Believe that if nothing else sweet thang :)

Pepsims :) As always you're very appreciated with ongoing support, thankyou darlin, yeah the extreme tiredness bordering exhaustion at times, always use to hit the wall but now days got it too completely stuffed occassionally hit the wall so happy with that so far, yeah takes an age catching up. Partly my fault too going to bed too late but other stuff going on too all good though
You're welcome darlin, honestly I don't say what I don't mean. Bout time you started believing what we see in you aye girl xx

Love to you all (( free today only ))

BP day 32

Partly my fault staying up too long but consistent the amount of catching up even if I went to bed earlier which usually do on down side eventually.
Catching up, very tired but physically ok & have energy

Emotional today, little cry haven't been much lately when beasty's tried to pull me down, getting stronger there too, being aware it's "IT" & determined not to go there anymore. Had a gut full, over it, which isn't a bad thing, helps with resolve. Haven't mastered it all yet so ok to have some moments as long as not letting them take me furthur. Trouble is crying makes ya feel so washed out but guess we are anyway at that point. Someone once said on other BB forums (Big brother) there's chemicals in tears is why. Cool huh

Last couple days when the nasties attack thought, challenging it by thinking why? If it's rubbish I can dismiss it & by then it's choofed off. Our thoughts last as long as we make them, our minds don't stop.

Gotta bus today with good driver friend, final MRI on back I think or neck, both behaving as they should.

Seems to be the more breakthrough sleep often it hits hard but to be contradictary ? sp, hard before & during too, so maybe it's just any time but tiredness a biggy for me and some others too but more say they don't have depression with tiredness so could be a MI issue. Dunno

LOL started a few mania energy/motivation jobbies, oops haven't finished most but got stuff done.
Dishes stayed stacked & rinsed several days, I try not to stress about housework, seen people that do and thought nah, not worth it. Got them done last couple days, was really nice though :)

Realised recently that there's big anxiety involved during BP cycles, asked Doc if it's adrenalin which he said is for as we know instant (brain block) but the feeling's the same in chest as adrenalin, not disagreeing with him because that's right but ? undiscovered yet possibility, or ?other chemicals kicks in for survival to lift up when we're down, some logic there but don't know only theories. Maybe stress is the feeling that adrenalin also brings on?

Hi DB,

As always, you seem so self aware when it comes to your BP cycles. It probably resonates with a lot of people who also have BP and read your posts.

Yes, I agree that tears serve a function as does laughter; I feel they both have a role to play in our wellbeing.

The anxiety seems frustrating and maybe a little unnerving. I’m glad you’re asking your GP questions and making the most of your professional support team.

Hopefully you manage to get some more sleep over the next couple of days.

You’re always so generous and kind with your comments. Thank you....

Warm soul hugs and thanks for the “free” dose of love...

Pepper xoxo

:) haha welcome for the freebie Pepsyhun, lol, maybe time to settle that overdue bill? Hey a chooks gotta make a living :D

Thanks as always Peps you really are an outstanding chooky, so supportive, so much care, you are sooo appreciated by many.

Yes good point about laughter too being a great stress release, saw something on TV re that and it's a definite esp that deep guttural stuff, great feeling isn't it.

The anxiety I don't usually suffer in "Normal" times so can accept and work on it, found the hard & deep breathing helped a lot actually

Yeah happy to have 3 days coming depending if anything comes up to pretty much except for part of tomoz sleep all day or most of. Have too, got a big next few weeks coming up too, good but don't want to be blagghhh around people

Back atcha hun ((( souls )))

Dear Rock/Starwolf

I so hope you're in recovery and have been the care & respect you so much deserve.
I feel guilty I haven't been mentioning you as much here but know most of the time "IT" with quotes is memory of you, we saw a lot in the same mindset. I love & miss you more than you could know, appreciate & have learnt so much from you. We were friends Rock. xx THANKYOU for everything. Hope you can see you're still spoken about and missed by many. "Thanks to Starwolf thread" & others haven't seen it, I know Wilma1 happy birthdayed you haven't got back to her yet. You make a difference.

Need to talk Rock, I met a bloke other day, was so happy, we really clicked, talked laughed 8 hrs, sooo much in common, even a kiwi same age, born same hospital, he lived 13 km away, poor guy lost his wife to cancer about 5 mths ago. Got on so well, hugged, held hands, affection I so crave. He said I'd blown him away couple of times, a really nice guy, decent, was even gunna wait, a first for me.

SHIT ALWAYS HAPPENS WHEN YOU'RE AT YOUR FRIGGEN LOWEST, repeatedly this happens but then not surprising I have these mongrels so bloody often lifes gotta throw the crap too. I was soooo bloody happy. He's lovely but it's not gunna happen. I get he's not ready, thought that a lot, but doesn't do anything for ya self esteem. Can't snag the singles, married only want one thing. JOY!!!!!!

Gunna drink tonight. Can't afford to, broke as, payday today, I've stuffed everything.

OVER IT!!!!! ...for now & will get over it. Just a bump beasty ...just a bump. You're losing your power, our time to shine

O Demon O Demon
You think you're so strong
"IT"s you I must fight
to prove you wrong

O Beasty O Beasty

You've had me before
you may have me now
But I"ll get back up
and show others how

Rest assured O beasty Mutt
I may be down, but not goin out
One thing in mind I have so clear
Is when I die, you won't be there

Daghhh that'll do











but you're really not strong

you need our weakest
when you come out to play
But I'll have you one day
for you must know, it's my plight

Hi DB,

I never had the honour to have a conversation with Starwolf but I read through this thread, I can understand how much and why you are missing her so much. What an extraordinary person she was, such knowledge and insight, so much care and love I read in her words to you, and you reply with the same care and love. Do you know DB, when I write the word it, not the beast [IT] but just normal everyday it, I think of Starwolf, she has touched my heart also.

DB, I am so sorry to read about not ready yet, it's not you honey, had you met him maybe a year later it might have worked out for you, my heart is aching for you, I've never known what's it like to be loved, never will experience love, but I can imagine, DB, I really hope you find love again, because you have a lot of love to give.

Yep crap happens a lot but worse when your down,

please be kind to yourself, have a drink by all means, to relax, to saviour the taste, but drink in a good mindset...please not out of dissapointment, it will only end up with regrets, I have drunk when dissapointed with myself, believe me it makes your thought dark the next day.. drinking when the beast is in us, that's what he wants, easier to take you down when low and drunk...be strong honey, be strong. so worried about you after reading this post.

Great poem DB, yes get yourself up and show us how. he had you before, won't have you again, concerned about you DB.

If I wrote that post and was hurting that badly, what would you say to me, DB, whatever you would say to me write it down on paper, then read it, then listen, then consume it. Hope your ok,

Caring for you DB.

GG🤗🤗🤗🤗🦋🦋🦋🦋🌈🌈🌈🌈.

I dont have much to add to Grands post but im pretty concerned too DB

Ihope your ok ❤

Hello DB,

Just checked and discovered that you haven't visited here yet.

Im concerned about you, I hope your feeling ok, Be strong, be safe, know that I care as the other do.

Thinking of you, DB.

GG🤗🤗🤗

Thx xx

Figure I at least owe yous my last post for a while. Still listening & keeping an eye on yaz
Hurts when people blurt out I talk so much, people are intolerant of it, get why. Lot to say not good at it, listen too but ya don't hear that. I do have a lot of like/love.
I say don't worry about that, worry when I'm quiet.
Quiet atm. Not suicidal, it fleeted but for now not an option.

Hurting hard, On phone last night was going in deeper. He's absolutely not a mongrel, opposite a really nice guy. Didn't lead me on I know he felt same or close . He's in a really hard place atm, understand he's not ready, but we clicked so well, I did say not to say anything for ? future but if he did feel something like I know he did wouldn't he have said that before I said don't, maybe not dunno
Small time but amazing. A chook new her late husband of 45 yrs for 11 days or less. Felt similar. We're both vulnerable moreso on his part, doesn't change our click

Standing by initial phone call I want to be there for him with grieving if he wants. We spoke easily about our late partners, so good being able to & not thinking people must be sick of hearing
Door to door elderly lady non stop re late partner, realised he was her life, of course she would & now know it's cause we need to keep them alive in a sense

WHEN I get through can see strong friendship We talk openly & honestly laugh a lot, said just wish it wasn't me falling deeply for some people M/F friends/intimate. Gunna learn to close my heart. Being passionate's a curse. Most people hold back then ease in. They've got it right.
Open heart hurts constantly in every way Friggen over this shit!! Sorry trying not to swear as much

Any other time I'd hold hope & not give up. What's the point. Nah goin to give up. Learning already going to step back till I get past this unless he needs support

OF COURSE beasty hits in lowest times but happy handled a few rough downs that would usually have taken me deeper & stayed

Saw challenges but could have worked through. No biggies.

xx

my dearest DB

things are sounding really tough atm. soul hugs coming your way and lot of them!

you dont talk to much, i love what you have to say. ALL OF IT. i really hope you dont close your heart DB. you have such kindness and compassion in there but it does allow people to take advantage of that but i love your big heart and i hope you dont let others ruin it and harden your heart so to speak

i dont have much advice on relationships as i struggle with those too but im hearing you

love and hugs xoxox

Hello DB,

Talk to much, what a gift you have there, without talking we don't get to know people, holds us back to much, I wish I had the gift of the gab. (so to speak).

I can hear the hurt your feeling in your words, I'm sorry your hurting.

Your new friend sounds like a nice person, loosing his wife only 5 months ago, he would be still grieving and hurting, I think it's wonderful that you clicked and you had such a wonderful conversation together, being there for him when he needed someone to talk to, I think is a start to a beautiful friendship.

DB, you are both vulnerable atm, I don't think he would have mentioned the future at this early stage, holding hands, hugs, building friendships, talking about your late partners and talking easily, laughing, getting along, enjoying yourselves with each other, You never know, where friendships lead to. But for now be there for him, when he needs you, form a close friendship with him, he might need need extra time as he would be still grieving. Don't close your heart up if you can help it, be true to yourself, you both clicked so something there, enjoy the friendship first, get to know each other.

Look who's talking now, me, someone who's never known what friendship and love is all about.

DB, if I said anything wrong, forgive me, It's just that I'm feeling your pain and want to try and comfort you. Knowing me, I said something wrong.

I'm a bit scared to post this, but I will, just know that I care.

kind thought,

GG.

Hey DB,

Yes if you have anxiety, it will feel like Adrenalin - bit like you avoided a car accident - deep breathing good for that, but I’m a bit pot calling kettle black, anxiety still sinks me a bit :)

Having spent quite a few days, beating the beast away with a big stick, and WINNING, you’ve taken a step backward, it seems 😔

It’s lovely that you’ve met this guy and you are maybe “simpatico”. As you have noted, you will/can be good friends - fantastic!

At the risk of offending you. Get back to defeating IT, that’s a personal mission, I’m not sure that you can incorporate a relationship into that process - do you understand what I’m saying? I’d hate for you to fail, given how far and, well done you are on this journey :)

Haven’t got a sparrow story, they’ve left home (still) ....

I think I’m going to have to find something else for you to smile at 🤣

Big hugs to you DB - finish your journey, if things with the guy are meant to be, then they will happen, M xx

Hey DB

How are you holding up?