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Forums / Long term support over the journey / Surviving: Being in a better place

Topic: Surviving: Being in a better place

  1. demonblaster
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    10 December 2017 in reply to startingnew

    ? TRIGGERS.

    Thanks seems so hollow but if you guys weren't here & Rocks not 🤔😢 she was a constant like yous, GOD ROCK what's going on darl are you ok? & Peps...your support &friendship means the world. Truly thankyou in everyway girls & Rock you mean so much. 💖 to so many

    There's so much I want to reply to you all but for now just need to talk thankyou & sorry.

    You each have have moved me 😚🤗

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  2. Ggrand
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    10 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello DB,

    Awe, DB, you have nothing to be sorry about, , look after yourself first and take all the time you need to get well..

    love & care for for you

    🦋🌈❤️🤗🤗

    GG.

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  3. demonblaster
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    10 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    BP/Status DAY 32

    Another all niter last night ok but went into tiny mania again, outta tiredness & pulling up, upset rah rah balance is a biggy to work out, had some grogs wanted to get drunk night before, stupid to do but couldnt be bothered walking & $ but neighbour visited so had drinks with her last night more $ cant afford trying not to stress but really struggling but survived as gambler can now too

    Yes agree Starts talking better than not. Thx asking honey ☺ xx

    Rare but dont really feel like going too deep atm but working through & ok, still talking laughing but hurting hard DAMN IT, said most in other posts here & know only short time but that connection was very strong. You don't have to have long with some people for quality.

    I WILL get back up & through this, harder being through down side of BP but got caught completely off guard, I know he did too. Yes Grandy if a year later & no way you could ever say the wrong thing precious. God you're so lovable xx you all rock seriously lovely good people

    What does caught flat footed mean? And caught foot behind or something, cant think of exact last wording

    You're awesome Maths xx thankyou too

    We got eachother SHIT!! This SUX I really do empathize & get it but still kicks like a bloody muel. Really fell for him. Not bloody fair!!!

    Daghhh that'll do for now.

    Thx for time

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  4. demonblaster
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    10 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hey Grandy im going bed completely zapped, hope you get good sleep hun xx

    Been keeping eye on you all

    Sleep well, hey they say even if you don't sleep your body still getting rest laying down, i know the head thoughts but what about after every rot one only think of your rainbow or butterfly whichever you like more, let them absorb or fly away taking stress with it. Kinda mind tricks more sorta meditation

    Peace beautiful soul xx

    Deep care always 🤗🤗

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  5. Peppermintbach
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    10 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi lovely DB, GG, Butterfly, Mathy and all;

    Firstly, for everyone who likes hugs, let’s start with a big group soul hug...

    What an emotional time it has been for you, DB. i feel for you...

    This man left quite an impression on you. The connection you felt must have been very special. Alas, timing sometimes isn’t always in one’s favour...sighs.

    Maybe as GG and Mathy have suggested, you could try to just make the most of his company for now and not look too far ahead into the future. Granted, I realise it’s easier in theory than in practise. The heart often has a “mind” of its own after all...

    I know you’re missing Starwolf. You have so much to say to her. So much you want to share with her. You really connected with her and that’s priceless.

    Hey, no pressure to post or get too deep. Just whatever you’re comfortable with at any given point in time.

    I hope you sleep well tonight.

    More Soul hugs,

    Pepper xoxo

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  6. demonblaster
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    11 December 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Thx hun and again all. Very appreciated

    Short time but QUALITY!! Shame unfortunate timing also for headspace but getting there :)

    Ya know they say now days grieving has 5 stages, what you don't really here is the gambit of other emotions & of course BP on top but still all that goes on with/out MI
    It's still fresh enough to understand where the poor guy is atm. Cruel/hard to go through for anyone grieving

    Good sleep, not enough, lol other wise I'd cry :) this took about 30/40 mins. Yeah more sleep normally takes a while but ...sigh ....type, proof delete :D, so ok mostly as long as no other doozies land.

    Finally got sorted for Xmas tt Pizza lunch tomoz. That'll be good, lovely mostly the people that play here & these social times usually go well

    bbl with more input on other threads & you lovelies too :) Been listening & thoughts. True.

    thx again for time & listening, caring all of you xx

    Acronym meanings... thread in Depression ( I think)

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  7. Peppermintbach
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    11 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi wonderful DB and all;

    Yes, you need to cry, let it out about this man. It’s horrible when timing isn’t always the best as Mathy mentioned (or was it someone else? Sorry, I’m so forgetful).I hear you, my friend...

    Your Xmas lunch today sounds like fun and you seem to be looking forward to it. I know you’re a very social person so hopefully the lunch helps lift your spirit a little.

    Thanks for the care and thoughts. All gratefully received.

    Soul hugs,

    Pepper xoxo

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  8. demonblaster
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    12 December 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    As always your compassion & support so appreciated Peps darlin

    Bloody shame but nothing I can do & coming to terms phew, really hurt but also hard headspace that was coping with but struggling all the same, wayyy better than usual deep dark lows but as we know makes coping with life's ouches harder.

    You beautiful people here supporting & talking to lot of friends too helped a lot. Happy it didnt keep me down, getting stronger & have taken from it to try & close heart bit, not lose care for people just protect myself more & enjoy & remember the happiness i had, as someone today said it could hapoen again & as one of you darlings said think Maths it wasn't meant, I too was thinking that.

    Pizza was good day, good food, after initial quietness, a couple of us keeping convo flowing soon everyone started chatting & enjoyed their time.

    Had time with very good friend after, planned, loved her the second she spoke, so good catching up.

    Had big talk release to MH support worker awesome bloke, we get on v.well he was good to give his time on day off (gets it on lou but didn't have to imo) helped no end & rang today to check. Lovely

    Shame when I sorted this pizza day forgot id miss the fortnightly bbq's they have, everyone enjoys them but good day though.

    Got couple more hrs sleep tonight with sleepers goin bed again soon

    Concerned as you said out of care for you girl.

    Xxxxx

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  9. Peppermintbach
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    12 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi Caring DB and all,

    Yes, acceptance is generally not easy. Not easy at all. It must be very painful.

    You have a beautiful heart. You care deeply and love deeply. Sadly, that also means hurting deeply too sometimes.

    I am glad the pizza party went well and it sounds like you had a good time with some friendly people. Also quality time with your good friend must have been nice too.

    That MH support worker sounds like an angel...goes above and beyond. What a lovely person.

    Thank you, DB. I know you care and caring means a lot to me.

    Soul hugs,

    Pepper xoxo

  10. demonblaster
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    13 December 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Status:

    Really doing it hard today intermittently but pushed through, seriously EVERYTHING on PC that I had to do wouldn't work or slowed me down, Yeah mood has a lot to do with it but it was all happening anyway, but did something else temporarily & went back to them & bloody presto!

    "IT"s trying it's hardest to get me, and is at times, but I know it's extreme tiredness, normal with BP though pushed envelope at times, also consistent with mania but could have gone to bed.

    tt tonight, got a few things done that have been nagging and dragging me down, you just know you have to do things but finding the volition to's antoher story.

    Many things I've been obliged to do that stole chances of sleep even if for just a couple hrs like later in eve/night last night had a couple got back up only cause of needing tea with meds otherwise would have slept through.

    I feel there's just sooo much to work through, BP side of it going well, still rough but getting there, it's the other shit to get through, working & getting there with self esteem but long way to go, being too senisitive, one stuffin comment sticks for a life time, hurts, GOD ENOUGH already, being so full on, again like trying to stop a tsunami with your hands, talking too much, frustration not being able to articulate, yeah Peps being passionate and caring hurts too.

    Crying, that's ok, I know it'll come good, just feeling so overwhelmed atm.

    Texted support Angel said don't worry ringing back (don't wanna take too much of his time, others need him too) he did ring back, told him he's a lifeline.

    Anxiety definately in BP for me anyway but usually not in between I don't think. IT's tiredness and undealt with depression I think brings on anxiety.

    All through this I've felt stength there and know I'll get through but this is good but hard too, I"m so scared now of going back into the deeps. OVer it

    Gotta go

    Thanks Peps x
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  11. Peppermintbach
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    13 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi lovely DB,

    Our beautiful, caring friend. My heart aches for you. You seem so overwhelmed and perhaps even heart broken.

    Everything sometimes happens at the same time, doesn’t it? Sighs. Rhetorical...

    I know you’re doing it tough and hurting yet trying so hard to put one foot in front of the other. How resilient and determined, you are...

    I agree that crying can be important and part of the healing. Sometimes we just need to let out the pain in salt water form. Salt water can be so healing...tears, the ocean...I just had a little cry myself. Didn’t last very long. Now I just feel a little numb. Lol.

    Anyway, my love and care to you.

    Pepper xoxo

  12. demonblaster
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    13 December 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach

    Peps a friend spoke from heart saying thanks for always being there for her, thats how Rock was/is & you too. I'm soo grateful to you & the girls.

    The last 4 yrs have seen happiness but lot of hard times, lot of hurt, getting/got through physical mental hards, like everyone but sure does hit in batches

    And RockStar, so glad for our time but/and being in limbo SUX...poor thing cant imagine but it's bad for sure her being away so long😢

    Bit (not too bad) shitty tonight with a couple, HATE being like that, rarely am,try so hard not to let it out on others (have, live with guilt) If nothing else I'm not a bach ☺, but made it very clear, spoke calmly but direct eye contact but the dont cross me tone ..."not tonight".. like him a lot, he had me in more tears in heavy grieving & let his rot on me at poker when use to go & couple others, got on great with everyone else, even they like me pffttt, was still heavy grieving & BP on top, unbelievable. Fought back but controlled, They don't know my temper but did hard talk few times controlled.Lucky them💣😲😨😤

    Sigh the robot wasnt set up as id asked then wasnt working. Bout 30 mins to realise young fella didnt put connection in, yay,wasnt angry with him.

    Another irritates me at times but let it pass, but gave a bit to him back too, try to be tolerant of people but cheered up, all good no prolonged grief, we all get along as long as some shut it lol, apologised to him but said it sometimes comes across derogatory

    Going to bed soon.

    Just friggen over this but getting there which great BUT!!!!!

    Not exactly bad mood as such, dont really have them more bad headspace intermittently.

    Thx listening being there

    Mine will pass not a friggen second too soon either lol

    It's you Starts & Grandy Im worried about, esp you, you're sliding Peps.

    Maths you know I rate you highly too, seen you're strength though know you're doing it hard too.

    Nigh nite, may not be here too much but will bit esp other thread & be listening when can, big month ahead

    Always close by for you girls

    Xxxx

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  13. Peppermintbach
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    13 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hi wonderful DB,

    Thank you, and back at you. I, along with so many others, are grateful for you too. You still find it within yourself to reach out to friends when you’re struggling; you’re a beautiful person. Thanks for caring...

    It seems like the couple really tested your patience last night. To your credit, I’m glad you kept your cool and managed to keep a level head despite the anger. It must have been hard so well done...

    I think a lot of things were getting to you last night. What a rough night...I guess with the way people were acting, BP cycle, etc that it all got a bit much.

    Thanks for the heads up. It’s appreciated. I guess only do what you can with the posting :) December sounds like a hectic month for you.

    Love,

    Pepper xoxo

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  14. demonblaster
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    14 December 2017 in reply to Peppermintbach
    Thanks Peps :)

    Read this before meant to do a thumbs up although we don't know who does it I usually do.

    bbl hun
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  15. demonblaster
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    14 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    BP day 36

    Haggard but mostly been holding very well. Cracks started bit at tt last night, day was rough, EVERYTHING I tried to do, either going wrong/not working, most was head space & poor concentration.Pushing through got jobbies done, 20 times longer.Frustrating but learning more how to deal with max stress. Usually can. Lot of practice with excruciating back pain over yrs & recent neck & mental pain

    Distraction happened, went back to what I couldn't do & it worked

    Usually mania about a week or bit more, good but not great & mixed episodes pffttt partly self inflicted contributing for way longer recovery, usually up to 2-4 wks. Nearly 5 now, probs be closer to 6

    Yesterday & tt bad day, pulled up later.Don't usually let it get on top but the one's I had a word with did deserve though on good terms with. Pffftt. Don't like being like that apologised & talked where needed.

    Migraine family headaches last about 2/3 days on average seem to be common in BP? when sleep does happen heads in awkward position? being comatosed not moving much
    Will ask pain specialist in new year if coming from neck. MRI confirmed a brain & no tumours

    lol 3rd MRI for neck/back today,neck one there's a mirror so you can see them thought nah closed my eyes, bloke said I was one of the best they've had most people struggle with not moving head or swallowing, I replied probably cause I was asleep most of the time :D. Rarely fall asleep unless consciously doing so apart from bed, usually wake almost instantly, this was like coming outta anesthesia, took about 15 minutes, by the time I got to friend was nearly awake

    Longer recovery tho consistent with coming down

    Probs be ok by now, pushed boundaries tho consistent with mania.
    Soo much to try and get a grip on HAVE TO can't not work through it, otherwise it'll take me too, way tooo much tooo often, manias under control mostly tho more work needed, it's the downs, too stuffin deep. This one easier, self talk & strategies. LOT of people contact may have helped. One before not as much and got through so hopeful next one works too.
    Time'll tell. Perseverance
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  16. Mathy
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    14 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Doing really well DB - keep it up.

    Reading your post, I thought of how elite sports people train - pushing the boundaries, but carefully. That’s what you’re doing, but with your mind (and probably your body too).

    Don’t know how much you’re into sport, but I’m always in awe of elite athletes. They train on the edge all the time - just one small stumble away from a disaster - that being they get injured/sick.

    What you’re doing is very similar, hats off to you lovely, bestest, cheers M :)

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  17. Ggrand
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    14 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello DB,

    I admire your strength and perseverance....

    GG.

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  18. Peppermintbach
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    14 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi DB and all,

    I liked how Mathy compared your disciplined approach to elite athletes. A good comparison and very fitting in many ways.

    It looks like you’re working very hard to manage the mania. I have no idea what mania is like personally but it’s great that you’re strategies are helping you.

    The back/neck pain sounds horrendous. I hope they get to the bottom of it with the MRI and find ways to help relieve some of that pain. I find it impressive that you still lead such an active social life, volunteer, etc despite the physical pain.

    Yesterday sounds like it tested you with multiple challenges. Rough day indeed. It must be so frustrating on those days but your determination to get through them is commendable :)

    love and admiration,

    Pepper xoxo

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  19. demonblaster
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    15 December 2017 in reply to Mathy

    Thankyou all of you. Not sure when but hope to get back to reply

    Read & really do aporeciate all of your support

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  20. demonblaster
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    15 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    BP day 37

    Will be ok but having some more hell moments moreso than overall down. Pulled out jesus its heavy. Scared of going back there which is helping but its trying

    Like a strong wave goes down from head with untold pain at least these last 2 cycles ive got it not staying. Have things to do, a needed distraction. Dangerous alone quiet time

    Just remembered to not acknowledge how its making me feel couldnt think of some of coping techniques just then but did use some. Must write them down

    At least thinking is bit easier today, not when going down

    Everytime in cycles looking after myself like appointments, buses, phone calls,forget to eat but do later 5 secs away from not being able to. Mammoth pushing through the thick heavy ?..denseness, hard to explain, in the heads nearly impossible. Get stuff done but only just. Takes so much effort & time. God its so bloody hard. Talking clearly remembering, listening you feel like a fool but mostly use to that now.

    Rearranged plans to get tonne of sleep today,went back bed a.m drifting off sounded like jackhammer in room, they were doing something to verandah railing not for long ignored drifted off again heard bloke talking to his work mate got fright, thought he was talking to me, kinda went into dream got up, got couple hrs sarvo.Looking forward to finally catching up & be stuffin normal again.

    Went deep enough to start thinking wrong thoughts but need to not even think of going there.

    Looked around (SW-ROCK 💖) helped & thought about good things ahead & I guess mainly that I can't do this anymore (mutt pain) realised I was going with the beast so they helped.

    Headache coming back..brat, means more sleepy pills yeah really need to be more tired but either that or more later & longer to get rid of from experience

    I can't describe properly the pain & other crap that goes on. Few reasons think not sure (in other thread said have by mistake meant to say think i have other stuff going on too) or they dont which i know anyway explain enough in varied BP research. They kinda skim over basics.

    HAVE to keep at this

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  21. Mathy
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    15 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hang in there babe, you’re fighting the good fight, look after yourself,

    big massive hugs, sleep well, rest and recuperate, cheers M xx

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  22. demonblaster
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    15 December 2017 in reply to Mathy
    Thx Maths, yeah gunna get some more sleep today for a while then got lot of happenings over next month ish

    How are you going? Do wonder xx
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  23. demonblaster
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    15 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster
    BP day 38

    longer, usually within 3/4 wks, partly my fault not going to bed & the other mind that wants us to go against logic. Also as mentioned part of mania. Major to pull back.

    On waking this morning after last night beating the beasts downs, thought do I wanna do this anymore.It's such incredibly hard bloody work, so damned powerful but then first post I looked at here was Grandy's who's in the hole where my head was taking me, only difference is I managed to pull out, haven't been able to in the past.

    So thought she's and other beautiful people here in this or similar all the time, at least mine passes eventually, doesn't make it easier because there's not usually a half way, it's extreme &very deep, last night & this morning had me thinking wrong thoughts & that's with my resolve to get through.

    So going to Grandy's changed them. Life throws goods too. If I hadn't seen that not sure think I would have done some hard talk & got out but even the fact they're still there isn't good but I'm ok no plans. I'd be going against "mission" (Maths) here to help people too and try and get this bs.

    Want to go more into other stuff that goes on, for release and often with writing can come realisations or epiphanies but hard too cause releasing more vulnerabilities, considered doing it today but not strong enough again yet and nearly started to cry again which is ok but need to avoid going down, fragile throughout entire cycle.

    If I can pull through this without much more down attempts from the head which it's having a good shot at now then I"ll say another win overall, but won't realistically know until the next few more cycles.
    Most people Psychiatrist said have 1-2 every 1-2 yrs, I'm having majors 8/10 a year but this being longer dunno what's ahead they often come at a steady pace, wondering if he got the maths right tho or that he's going by different ? word arghhh. Way more than a rapid cycler tho, each one's like recovering from a train running over you, going through mania tho magic, like a tornado in your head, trying to hold onto sanity's not an easy task during these but mostly I'm rational fortunately so in cycles still have that.

    Not wanting to leave just have to learn to not allow beast rubbish thoughts
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  24. Ggrand
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    16 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello DB,

    I know you said not to come here, but..I want to, helps me by helping others, gets my mind away from me.

    just one thing I want to say.

    The mind is the most powerful part of our make up. It can take us down (trying to suck us in you,me,others. nearly succeeded with me, I'd say I was maybe mere minutes away from no return.

    our mind can also lift us up, hard yeah DB, but harder to stay down. You told me this a while back, "I'm listening", and I'm trusting you. The road/path/ to go back up, wow it's an incredibly steep, high, hard mountain. Rocky as hell.

    I will take the hard road up just a step at a time, maybe 3 steps up then 2 steps backwards, but I will do it, might take me a while this time. I'm exhausted as I can hear you are🦋🌈

    Do you know why? DB, Do you know why I'm talking the turn at my crossroads up.? "Up being towards some normality, maybe a bit of peace as well, down being hell. Well it's because of you, my dear lady. (and others). You give me strength to find hope..I hope that I can give you some of mine. ( my supply is depleating, but while I have even 1% of strength left, I have 1% of hope and that 1% of hope is huge, it's , well, it's a seed, if we nourish it with better thought it will continue to grow. ).. no one and I mean no one has ever cared about me, ever, I'm finding this hard to accept that people do care about me. Who am I anyway?

    I just had to talk to you, these words are what I'm saying to myself now, out loud to try to lift my soul just a little.

    Thanks for listening and thank you for being you.

    kindness only,

    GG.

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  25. demonblaster
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    16 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand
    You move me Grandy ((( souls )))

    In the hell hole you're in & you give to others like you do & you wonder why we love and care so much about you. ONE of my missions with you PEPS & STARTS is to help you see why you all should like yourselves. Beasty & mongrels in life knock us down but it's your friends, real ones like here that speak the truth, not them.

    Something I've been forgetting to but meaning to say to you all, I think I've heard you all say you do read back, might not work for you now with so little energy but later when you pick up what about reading back your own posts I guess in a sorta mindfulness way think if you're someone else reading it what would you like about what & how they are. Apart from what we're telling you & how many care so much about you will help you see just how truly worthy you are. You're biggest strength is in you've come out of all your rot still a beautiful person, you could've been sour, nasty, vindictive, yuk, but nooo way, opposite.

    Thankyou G yeah I remember saying that, love that you do, touches me & what you've said

    Feeling better now, walked, (haven't done biggly one's get too knocked up with cycle but have done some) finished pressing jobby, thinking bit clearer and mood not attacking too much.

    Had argument with sorta friend at his shop today, which I understand if readers think yeah she was in a foul other day but wasn't the case, that's rare, if I can see where I was wrong straight away admit it but did the right thing by the bloke and he went off and wouldn't friggen LISTEN to what I was trying to tell him, wasn't gunna take that so we did it in two sections lol and think finally I got through to him and boomer didn't go off as such or swear one word, stuck to the right points tho was angry with him. He approached and said sorry and we hugged, glad it didn't end bad, as I said and think this got through he was letting his stress out on me in anger, no no no chum, won't take & don't deserve crap. I spoke with respect he didn't. If I was not dead tired would have had the same argument to his reaction. He's a good bloke & we/I have been very good customers, he even threatened to not cook again for me, put him straight on a few needed things but yeah we're ok.

    Hun I think you might now have your reason to go on, not letting them take you further.

    Loved hearing your steel xxx
    3 people found this helpful
  26. demonblaster
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    17 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    BP 39

    Bad start yesterday picked up through day

    Usually need days wks non stop day night sleeping to recover, circumstances, commitments involving being around people which usually pull up around cant be avoided, woke up today average just need hundred (exaggerated but would do) more hrs & be ok, not happening, went right down this morning with someones stress, it affects people around them, wasn't there fault, they've got health issues too spoke gently carefully no agro but damage done to me not them, been in past lot of pain & rejection from them love there but cant forget. Had LOT rejection in life but do have lot love/like too, helps with liking yourself, getting there long way to go, too long

    Crying quietly.

    Had couple sorta sleepers, hard sleeping elsewhere got bit bugger all last night.

    I know when few more decent sleeps happen be good again

    Feel like theres so much work to be done, havent gone into much with psych been mainly talking bout BP & being used & wrecking my bloody life dont see her often

    If I was religious i'd say the devils in me but not in bad way as in being a cow to others. Just been at me lifetime. Its soo deep, not as bad this & last am making progress but pains so ....intense

    Again had fleeting thoughts but cant do it to so many that itd hurt & because of late partner & sister who gave everything they had. Also wanna beat the bastard its had/having me all life & so much more often since partner passed. While with him in hell holes suffered it but didnt have thoughts.before yes & after

    Been holding up mostly well but how long do ya have to & how beeping often

    I'll be ok just HAVE to get this sooner than later & making amazing progress but of course it doesnt give up easily. Ive come so far with self hate-ish wear heart on sleeve, the smallest things stab can never forget HATE being so damned SENSITIVE. Not painting good picture of myself, really have come long way & not long ago couldnt say this, I'm likeable/lovable but theres always dorks somewhere around being talker & extrovert you open personality up & dahhh just feeling pretty friggen shit atm.

    Better than usual just need ton more sleep this is better than normal but soo over this shit.

    Lot ghosts where I am atm (partner) but moreso mood (low not cranky)

    Listening mostly atm here may occasionally post dunno when back

    1 person found this helpful
  27. Ggrand
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    18 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello DB,

    {{really huge soul hugs hun}}.

    Hold hands with me and we can do this together, to hard on our own.

    I can feel your anguish and pain so easily, so very sorry you are soo doing it hard. So wished I could help you, wished I could be there with you, so you don't have to do it alone.. You can beat him, I know you can.

    It takes strength and courage. Yes courage because so easy just to go with [it]. Hard as hell staying with beast, and even harder hell going against [it]. Fight DB, you are strong.

    Take all the time you need to get well, Don't cut corners please. Look after you. you are such a kind,compassionate,gentle, person. The beast feeds on these good qualities, I'm sure of it. Hardly you see or hear of a narcissist being trapped by the beast. So darn unfair.

    Sorry I just can't talk any more, but just remember I love you and others, heaps of others care deeply for you, and love you as well.

    kindness only.

    Grandy..

    2 people found this helpful
  28. Ggrand
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    18 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Oh yeah, I meant to say, let me know if I'm intruding or annoying you......"just a feeling I have", Ugh, my thoughts are all screwed up.

    GG.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. demonblaster
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    18 December 2017 in reply to Ggrand

    Grandy thankyou sweety lady yeah lets do this together

    I love you too & hate where you are, mine at least passes. Atm i too cant talk too much emotion in public place, probs start crying again

    t

    Thank god MI support worker GOLD rang back straight away hid from most family talked vented cried my heart out to him, ended up needing more sleepers checked with chemist & doc but probs not advisable so many but desparate

    Just found out recent unbearable ruptured disc in neck (3 times,3rd less but rough needing heavies pain relief) my GP's booked me to see asap neurosurgeon, YIKES, they triage (prioritise) gold coast, big triggers Late partner 7 mths chemo, not stressing BUT clearly they're seeing stuff in CT & MRI that's urgent very early Jan couldnt put it off till later, saw pain specialist recently said too risky ? Death,paralysis,stroke if they nick certain part amongst other possibilities

    if the pain was like 1st time a mth or 2nd bit less but friggen rough too know nerve was hugely affected id run for scalpel 3rd time rough but could hold off for while pain relief

    gtg

    2 people found this helpful
  30. Peppermintbach
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    18 December 2017 in reply to demonblaster

    Hello beautiful DB (with a wave to GG, Butterfly Wings, Mathy and all);

    Most importantly, I want to give you a big, squishy and overly affectionate soul hug.

    A mega soul hug...the first of its kind (lol).

    Your emotions and cycles must deplete so much of your inner resources yet you are so intent on overcoming it. Talk about inner “steel.”

    I am glad GG has been giving you a gentle hand and ear with your struggles. So many of us can empathise with the lure of the siren call; I’m relieved they were fleeting but it’s still worrying that you’re having those thoughts.

    I wonder how you would feel about having various helpline numbers saved on speed dial on your phone (if you haven’t already)...just in case. That way, if you ever feel like acting on any thoughts, those numbers would be easily accessible to you.

    The ruptured neck disc sounds excrutiating. I cringe just imagining how painful it must be for you...as Butterfly Wings said elsewhere, physical and psychological pain are often intertwined. I feel she has a point...it must be so difficult for you...

    Like GG and others, I think you’re caring, loyal, resilient and deeply passionate and compassionate.

    Please keep holding on...

    Gentle and easy does it...

    Many hands are reaching out for yours and many shoulders are offering you a place to shed your tears on...

    (More) mega soul hugs,

    Pepper xoxo

    2 people found this helpful

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