Star I can't tell you enough how much of a rock you've been/are for me here. From my heart I deeply thankyou so much you've stuck with me throughout from day dot on this thread. Please believe me when I say you're making such a difference. Support, knowledge, wisdom,depth, caring the list goes on. Not to mention your time too. xx

Yeah today better than yesterday and the worst ones thanks :) not there yet but so glad this mutt does recede ... till the next time.
The inbetweens, "normals" if not for them this would be a different story. Way too heavy. First psyhciatrist said the brain wants more of the highs sooo true anyone would.Utter bliss. Don't know the words to express enough how good you feel including type 2 which these days I'm moreso just to a lesser degree which is more controllable though I still am pumped talk more louder etc

Type 2 is slightly elevated mood, mmmm more than slightly but yeah not the super highs it also has more severe depression than type 1 from research & experience with both.

Atm and I really need to change this thinking if I got sick as in a crap illness that'll do for an excuse.

Something I read here on BB a few times helped as a lot does is that we're still here so we've survived/or maybe surviving Black times. Gold

just working out how to deal with the extreme deeps slowly getting there, must do a getting through list which is growing.

How's your Kidneys and have you started the new job yet, how's that going if so.
I would like to hear how things are for you too :)
Think about your remedial work, talk about brave, would be a hard job but rewarding. Lot of compassion you clearly have with animals & people.

Liking reincarnation losing personality and keeping what we've learnt, seems to me more logical than other theories but each to their own of course. I think we need a belief to get us through the tough times that probs safe to say everyone at some time/s experience.

I think we live heaven and hell on earth (evident for everyone I imagine)

yeah have said to some If we do reincarnate don't wanna come back with this rot.

Maybe Jehovas Witnesses are onto something that we're reaching for perfection, which could back up reincarnation and what you were saying. Interesting btw thx. I don't know about the world ending soon tho but could happen. Very few of us have 6th sense to degree of knowing ahead yet we all have the 6th some naturally works others maybe don't realise

Hugs back :) Good ones

Recovering but slowly (isn't recovery ALWAYS too slow ?). Thank you for asking. Still dragging myself through chores at home and duties at work. Better but still feeling blah. I try to keep focused on the "better" part.

Working with rogue animals can be a hazard, depending on whether one is equipped for it or not. Due to total lack of human communication at home and the presence of animals all around, both domesticated and wild, I learned to understand and communicate with all sorts of beasts at an early age. Due to circumstances, I was more like one of them than like my "fellow" humans. Survival dictated that I also became very observant...so I was a good student in inter species communication. It is something that happens mostly mind to mind. It is part of what makes birds change the order of in flight formations simultaneously and without missing a beat. Or panicky herds stampede without colliding with each other.

In many ways and in spite of technological advances, we smart humans have lost our roots...and the plot. And so the ape became stupid. A lifetime of working with animals and their human handlers/minders has largely contributed to this personal slant on "evolution" :-)

lost post arghhh, Karma AGAIN laughing at chooky Sez one time, really biting me lol.

yw Star :) Yeah unfortunately a lot does frustratingly take a while to mend, imagine you were in a lot of pain with kidneys poor thing, so good you're on the mend. I imagine you have no choice with the animals to keep plodding on, if you can try not to overdo to hinder recovery.

That's just sooo bloody wrong not having any human communication, geez Star thank god you had the animals that don't judge, ignore, put ya down, crap on basically & they as we have our strongest need to give and be loved.
That's amazing about the mind connection and thx interesting about why birdies and herds not banging into eachother.

Yeah it amazes me, we're sposed to be the highest intelligence here yet we still haven't learnt to get on with eachother, getting there I like to think but shame it's so slow and such pain in the meantime, there'd be way less depression and MI I reckon if we respected & were nicer to eachother

Glad you're opening up more, I'm here for you & others no matter how low I am ok, I mean it,don't ever feel you have to hold back. Truth

I'm ok around people happy, but alone pffftttt but need that time to work through this too, otherwise distraction which definately helps but doesn't get to the root to work on.

Just saw today here on site a download that didn't do it to my phone but I'll try again Beyond now, to put in place reasons not to make the wrong choice, might help. First in Australia like it. Good on them. PC said it worked, it lied :)

Bit better today but far from yet, still sooo tired and still pretty average, how much how long can we endure this but between times I'm determined to win. Getting the energy and volition to move to allow distractions mega
God ya go low beyond, hells at times like last few days a walk in the park but best word for it.

Thanks for being around Star, keep getting better, that's an order :)

xx

Aaargh, don't get me started about vanishing posts...between them and NBN often dropping out in mid-word, it can make writing very frustrating.

Although there are bits and pieces of my past experiences scattered all over the forums, my only reason to talk about them is to let people know where I come from...or answer questions.To me, it is now all small talk. I am no longer triggered by any of it and have managed to shelve most issues. The past cannot be changed but my present attitude towards it has...many years ago. As far as I am concerned, scars only show where I've been. They don't determine where I'm going. So I'm here to focus on those whose wounds are still festering and continuing to hurt.

Kudos for distracting yourself. There IS a lot of Life happening outside mental conditions. But we often fail to notice and participate because inner issues keep us trapped in our heads. Your feet are on the right track. And your heart is definitely in the right place.

The BeyondNow plan is/has been a buoy in the storm for many people. I hope you can download it. Computers being modeled on the human brain, it is little wonder that they can cause so much grief and malfunction so often :-)

I hope today treats you with the kindness you so much deserve.

Thanks Star, so proud of you making it through to the other better side and good on you wanting to help others as you certainly do. I too wanna help people but just have to get through as you have and slay the beast in the process.

Few tears today morning but mainly extremely stuffed but have so much bits to do which I can't get out of but hopefully tomoz when I get home and Sun can work on catching up, big week ahead too but that's ok, out amongst it which is good.

Going to have to work hard and think my little head off in the good times how to get through the roughs cause damn they're deep.

Psych tomoz thank god, she'll be glad to see my back lol

Stoked it did (Beyond Now) download just didn't know where it landed but sorted that and got it on one of the home screens and been thinking today what I wanna add to it, like there's an edit as well.
Prob is when I'm in the low lows nothing really means much but I guess still being here as they've said here and having gotten through them is what I need to remember.

Ok gotta choof

Thanks again Star :)

Take good care and keep mending. Say hello to your animals for me, I'm game with this distance lol

IF I remember to bold anything amongst vents that's consistent with thread "surving being in a better place". Working through this I'm determined to beat depression in contradiction to that I HAVE to take suicide possibility outta the equation. Sh's me that it's an option again but it's soo often takes ya to hell and beyond but at least it's not a probability said to psych (sooo good) I'm more often supporting & wanna help people here so If I can work out why I don't wanna see others make the ultimate choice then may help me too to permanently delete that option too.

Hurting peoples one strong reason. If we're lucky enough to have love in our lives, someone dying hurts like hell but when they do it by ending their lives, maybe it hurts more cause they're was possibility of hope to work through and out.
People dying that don't want to: Seems so unfair to take our lives when we have a choice and they didn't.
We only get one chance at this life: Not religious but have theories. I think we continue, our souls are us and bodies transport thru life & time.I'm SURE one of our reasons here is to learn,main probs becoming better people & not so sure we don't continue with our issues until resolved, I wanna sort it this time, not carry them on to next life or if not die happy & on top.
Happiness and pleasure: safe to say everyone's had happiness & pleasure, when depressed we don't see or feel it. It's not always bad and goods are achievable. Most situations, there's hope. Things we like/love get buried but they're still there or in our memories.

Told Psych it's frustrating but getting close to working some stuff out. I like thinking. When I'm trying to work on the head at times possibly when in mania must take notice actually, probs is cause in those times the mind's completely open to ideas and thoughts.Over time I've got super rapid to still fast thinking but lessened the speed to a flood not a tsunami. Fortunately I'm still rational during cycles.
So I start working out coping strategies almost come to an answer then like a curtain comes down & shuts it off. Possibly excitement which is consistent with BP. Just have to keep at it. There's a reason for everything, I wanna know what they are.

Hey Chooky; I'm sorry I haven't visited in a while...

It seems you're doin' the doin' which is great! I've read thru to the top of the page, so anything prior to that is lost for me I'm afraid. Apologies...

I read your words and cringed at what you have to contend with. It's reminiscent of past days for me. The other similarity though, is consistently trying to fix ourselves. Some might think it was obsessive, and it was. I needed to be told to rest and give my poor brain a break. (Got that on here. Hey Star!!)

However...by concentrating on me, and staying away from triggering people and activities, I gave myself time to self assess in creative ways too. I 'used' my family and friends as guinea pigs which ended up being really successful.

Learning to communicate in different ways were my main objectives. Being reactive was the first to be dealt with. I stood back, (mainly because I had anxiety so bad in their presence, I couldn't talk anyway)

Listening gave me more insight than expected; learned heaps! It also made me realise that when 'I' over talk, that's what I sound like. Ha ha

Wouldn't it be great if we could edit our words prior to saying them like on here? God...I've thought that so many times.

Reading about your thoughts on suicide doesn't trigger, but you write so 'matter of fact'. I don't know what to make of this.

Scares me a little I guess. That's how I was when I self admitted to the psych ward. I don't want to project my stuff onto you. Just letting you know there's some stuff of mine in your words.

So, life's what we make it yeah? Very true Chooky.

Star...I laughed my head off when I read this; 'And so the ape became stupid' It's so you! And; so correct! Bah ha ha ha...ahh!!! Sigh...you're a legend!

Take care lovelies...

Sez xo

Hey chooky you've been missed, haven't seen you not just here, no pressure there either hun very grateful to you and Star, yous are both Stars in my eyes xx and wondered if you're ok.

Hun, wanna be clear here have said to Star & they've explained as I've seen here and there in posts, not promise Star stalking lol I just as chooky (Sarah, Sez) noticed here as yous do don't like to see threads with not many replies so also go to them and of course others that I may be able to contribute help or support in some way hopefully so where I was going chooky, go for your life talk your stuff if you want to, I'm here for anyone too, seriously, tho I care and do think about peoples crap no triggers or downs just hate how people can be towards eachother but that's not anything new

True we're looking for ways to survive and get on top aye, which if we don't as we know we'll sink furthur. Matter of necessity, ditto we need time alone to think, while I had beautiful partner I did but not enough, never had ending thoughts while with him.

We have a lot of similarities ya know, I listen but also clearly talk a lot too but wanna learn to listen better.
Hear ya re communicating better, proof reading is good, lol you wouldn't believe how long some of my posts take to post.
I'm learning slowly esp from how you guys (champs) & others communicate too.

Realisation knew everyone wants to be heard at some time anyway but we're on so many levels not good at communicating, if we could not listen to tone, which doubt if I'll ever get there, that speaks volumes and what they're saying not how as in articulating cause I think minority are good at that.

Sweet sorry you've been doin it hard, thought so from an earlier post why you were away a bit.
The good thing is we've got the desire not to let the beast get us, we WANT to get on top & I do believe this can be beaten. It's just so damned low Sez, beyond hell, like being broken into a hundred pieces at its worst, if they weren't so often I probs be thinking differently, but atm not wanting to leave yet, & only good possibility not probability and MUST work hard on choofing that option. The mutts had me all life, if not something else that's I think gone, but remember very young having extreme lows same as BP lows.

Thanks girl good to see you xx

Bear with me guys :) Notes, working through

Strength; Why? .. a reason for EVERYTHING, wanna know then can work on em

Strength; Understanding depression (the beast) POWERFUL. EVERY way it can pull us down & hurt it does
Depression; Low self esteem, sensitive, biggies for pain, memory strong on pain, uses pain as weapon

Strength; Liking ourselves Essential for shield, confidence
Our entire lives & time here, every second is with ourselves no one else.

Depression/Strength; If we feel hurt or defend ourselves then ? we do like ourselves, work more on it. Majority of us have goods in spades, search & reiterate.

Strength; Improving on bad points

Depression; separate entity? (external/internal force? chemicals (few saying not known fully yet)

Depression; so powerful.. why???
Strength; NO ONE wants to feel this way. how to apply strength
Strength); Wanting to (believing) can get on top

Strength/Depression pushing through non motivation. Sense of achievement/win

Strength; Distraction resting mind that never stops working, temporary freedom from pain

Strength; Thinking it out. Why down, how to fix

Strength; Accepting what can't be changed, HOW!!!

Depression/Strength; Ruminative thinking, why, how to stop. Are we sposed to come to some resolve or let demons rest

Strength/Depression; Acknowledgeing but not sliding with it ( taking self pity out, takes us furthur & deeper down) ? probs mindfulness

Strength/Depression; Reasons to live had me/us most/parts of our lives, not wanting to lose to it again. Wanna die on top and happy, beat the mutt. If we believe, half way there.

Strength; Goals to work towards, achieve

Strength; Reasons to continue (have them handy all times)

Strength; Emotional control. (WHOPPER)

Strength; releasing stress VITAL, it manifests

Strength; Communicating: support, understanding, education

Strength: getting help
Helping ourselves

Strength; how to handle pain. Emotional control

Strength; Survival, our most powerful inbuilt tool

Strength; Mindfulness learn&practice

Strength; Meditation practice

Strength; Non depressed times work on it all

Strength; List of pleasures in life, good mems, what would give us pleasure if we could do it

Strength; Knowledge; Research, people have it at bay, some on top, must be some that have beaten it completely

Strength; Research depression
Chemicals

Strength; Depression; work on taking suicide outta options. We need to win.

We can get this, believe

Majority have goods in spades...that sure includes YOU.

I found your reference to seeing depression as outside entity interesting. Considering the cocktail of electro-chemical reactions as IT instead of I played a major role in helping me dissociate from it. The less I identified with it, the easier it became for the real I to become stronger and resurface from the emotional rubble.

Star if you knew what a dif you being here for me.
Thought was goin back up but just heard have to come up with $500 more bloody bond money, if they'd said a few mths or yr ago could have.Survived compulsive gambling (kicked it 13 yrs ago) it'll work out but set me off.
Still trying to recover from hell with nerve causing sweet BA sleep & 3 doses of mania (shorties) all takes it's toll. Ok around people Usual happy self but atm bawling head off. SOOOOOO sick of BLOOODY CRYING.

Above & what I say to people here is on the right track I think but how the hell do ya put it into practice.

Rarely come outta BP without major depression the others mild which for an average person is probs OMG what's going on.

Told Doc yesday magic bloke where I'm at a good possibility.

The lows, hells a word it's beyond there. Like your broken into 100 pieces, the mongrel beast gets hold of EVERYTHING that's ever hurt & slams without pause. Said here through the worst of grieving with BP on top which equates to heavy grieving without other stress on it very nearly took me to the edge again, got scared, got help. It brings it all up again and again like it's fresh all over. I miss him and think all the time & between can cope. BP slammed throughout & still is
Tears flooding but not overly depressed, not to the level it takes ya, but can't shake the wrong choice thoughts, I don't wanna give in to the MUTT again but IT does & soo damned powerful.

Edited beyond now, the top reason I don't wanna hurt people, have started talking to few some I can't they've lost too many & besty lost her son same yr as my darling, to soften the blow if it does happen and I'll say goodbye if time comes. Only still possibility.
Ya know the ones that think they can't help or don't know what to say, they're the ones that have by what they've said.

Star I'm at the point if I get the big C or something else horrible that'll do for an excuse

Avoided this but for survival gunna have to dump on certain friends if they're up for it in the worst times, can't keep going like this without help in those times. Held off all this time cause it's sooo heavy & WILL pull em down. Drowning.
Might put a time frame on how much longer I'm prepared to battle this, am learning but gotta be now not later

Sorry for downs & thankyou what you said :)
How's job kidneys & you

so looks like going into another cycle that'll be the 4th this episode. Past experience that hasn't happened for ages which use to be the bigger ones it'l be a higher mania. Superb, can handle but not the other end ...YET. last 4ish nights awake early as, and the depression & from everything else. Haven't had these early signs for ages.I'ts the only reason apart from pain that I don't sleep unless in a cycle
Eyes are feeling like glass & heavy but couldn't get back to sleep, sooo tired. On the huge ones (type 1's) eyes use to at times feel like there was sand in them. Roar with exhaustion.

Can't yet see a balance to reach cause to avoid going deeper into down ya work on pulling up for me it's around people talking, laughing, convo etc, but it's taking me back into cycles by the looks & what Doc said what's gone on recently with pain, pain relief, whacked sleep etc it's thrown system into disorder, downs no dif to usual mostly.

Concluded but still very reluctant gunna have to ask some friends if I can call on them and completely shed in the extreme times, just wanna be able to release completely cry talk & be hugged biggly. Tho I talk about BP a lot avoid doing this it'll really pull them down but absolutely can't see any other way, it's also distraction after releasing, can usually pull up with it (distraction) temporarily anyway. It's about survival & this place ya go is so frightening where ya go. You get desparate. This is survival.

Crying, nice change.

This mutts had me all life, remember as a child couple of times having this same deep depression on occasion.
Don't want it to take me again but damn it's powerful but then so am I just have to keep learning how to be.

Thanks to beyond Now I"m editing and thinking.
Top reasons to stay.
1) Don't wanna hurt people (a lot
2) Partner, sil (sis in law & others don't have a choice leaving, wanted to live
3) Like helping people (volunteer with special needs tt (table tennis, they'd be hurt hard too
4) IT (beast wins again. Don't wanna die this way
5) believe it can be beaten. Can help others when I do
6) unknown future
7) It passes

Added some now, trouble is in lows none of this except hurting people really gets through.

At least I've got here to vent too

Thx listening
6) Hope

Just look at it this way, DB. Would it be fair to deny your friends an opportunity to support you ? These are words constantly repeated by suicide victims' loved ones : IF ONLY they'd shared their pain with us...we could have done/said something to help ease their suffering. Why did they turn away from us instead ? Why were we thought unworthy of their trust ?

Your friends deserve your trust as much as you deserve their support. Love and pain are closely related, just because we feel for our loved ones. A fact of Life. Unavoidable. You need to shed some of the overload weighing you down.

There's always a gap between intellectual understanding and feeling something deep enough in your bones to be able to act on it. This gap between what we think should be right and what we can actually do is another stressor to be ditched. Another unavoidable part of the process. Please keep in mind that IT thrives on stress. Replacing "should", "must", "ought to" with "I'd rather", "it would be better if" means ditching demands with preferences. Being more flexible, preferences are not such big deal if they don't happen.

When nagging thoughts came to plague me, I cultivated the habit of feeling the out breath act as a plunger, to push thoughts down from head to toes and eject them underground via the soles of the feet. Sure, they come back but the action can be repeated too. With persistence, I found that offending thoughts eventually did calm down and recurred less often. Visualization works best if it involves other senses too. This must be done as soon as negativity rears its head, not after we've already been swept by its undertow.

I'm with you re money worries. I'm broke, just forked out car rego, received a hefty winter power bill and just learned my rates have gone up. Installment strategies will need to be worked out. Did you know that Lifeline has free advisors who can approach creditors re payment plans ? You did so well, ditching gambling. You don't need that extra stressor right now. There are other ways. Approaching charities if stuck is one of them.

You are doing well with distraction. Too much thought churning only leads to being swamped by our problems, struggles and flaws.

Ahh Star my rock if it wasn't for you and Chooky yeah I'd probs still post but would feel so alone here, you're a rock I can't thank you enough & knowing that you've got them at a "heel" makes it more, words where are they.
Thankyou from deep I won't forget

Few tears but not many atm, got psych related help visit today, weekly so that's at least a good.

Feeling a bit too good considering the past nearly two mths but with luck maybe this mania won't happen, if I remember it'd take a 2/3 days to come on after the whacked sleep. Time will tell just need to spend the next 2/3 days sleeping if I can but am feeling a bit of energy, which isn't in this sit a good thing indicating it's coming on again, ups fine and manageable it's the other end for me. Have the downs before which I did have badly other day but for me (usually others from research it's worse before) is on the coming down side.

Yeah started thinking what you've said in past and previous post about trying to curb it before it comes on hard which I'll start working on, learning so much here and in head.

Phoo asked chooky (still not sure if in denial or not re in love but we do have a solid good friendship growing stronger and our time's soo good, she does see me as good friend, not open like me with saying stuff like that but asked one day and definate YES) if I can lean on her and said it's heavy as and will others if I ask that they can say no. I KNOW if I can take the mask off, not saying I'm false, not at all, am genuine but in hard times ya pull up so not to pull others down put on a good face but what I need (Jeez this brings out the waterworks aye) is to be able to let out the raw deep pain with someone & let the uncontrollable sobbing heart wrenching crying happen and tell em how it is exactly but as I said to her if I saw a friend that way I'd be devastated & sooo worried. She said she doesn't know cause she wouldn't know what to say and I think another friend who was there for me other day same situation will say same, has in past.
Honestly I don't know if I can do this to people but GOD I can't see any other ways to get through this in those times, (mop please). Btw really good what you said first two paragraphs, the rest too but you are right

There's about 7 that I wanna ask Docs fine about it but booked heavily so dunno, and the other friends not sure if I can go there with them tho few of have said they're there if I need them. Want face to face which difficult.

Thankyou rock

Star being broke's the pits, no security constant nagging worry aye. One thing I learnt from gambling thanks to time is somehow we always get through and look back. Seems things bundle don't they, tho I'd rather have all at once which is crap than spread out over a long period.

Was starting to think along same lines bout must, have to, etc cause it adds pressure. Thanks I'll work at that.

Tried sleep after psych visit which was good, she's a great chooky helps
Got some but very interrupted, brains not in normal mode, the amount I've had over such a long period and how I felt often I shoulda passed out. Nah.

Pretty down again, GOD will the day come that I don't friggen cry. SOOO over this sh.
Need to work out if suicide's still an option in "normal" pffttt times. That'll be a biggy if it's not cause then I can be aware which it probs is the beast doin it's bit, so need to put IT in a chained box far away.

Ya know when someone here's down and/or suicidal my natural instinct is to wanna help them get back up.
Chooky (? in love) said why? I said there's hope, she said use that. Gold. Didn't think to say I know how low they are to be even considering.

I'm not intending yet, hating that the mutts back in mind as an option. I do believe & you're one of many that's proof it can be controlled if not beaten. I'm determined until it gets it's grip. I have learnt which is very hard to do is try not to go with self pity, acknowledgeing yes but it slides from there.

The places ya go are frightening aye desparation kicks in hard which i guess is survival just thought.

I feel soo alone, yet have a lot of love. At least starting to like myself more, not there fully but a start anyway

Could you plz tell me more about the Electro magnetism Star. I'm better learning this way than reading it up but wanna one day too. Any info you have about depression if ok thx

I know we have to push through and it's been rewarding doing so but between cycles I think the head just needs to chill, recover there's nothing, the only times I have motivation is in mania. Think if I can learn to push through maybe it'll settle. Balance. Tho mostly sticking with walking. Not much lately, mostly so stuffed can't get mojo and need to rest up but goin tomoz no matter what hope.

I'll try that releasing the thoughts

Hope you're doin ok, health recovering better. Are you happy? work?

Thx listening & time :)

Brain mechanics and related electro-magnetic reactions causing emotions is too complex a subject to take on here. Too time and characters consuming, not practical.

As mentioned before, NIMH-Brain basics explains it all in simple terms and allows for further research in whatever direction you choose to. Like with all machinery, learning the mechanics means we're better equipped when it comes to fixing malfunctions.

How am I ? Thank you for asking. I am going through one of those phases when everything that could possibly go wrong does. Being in charge of my emotions, instead of being controlled by them allows me to muddle through, one step at a time, without worrying about the rest. Saving energy. I've had a lot of practice over the years... :-)

Ok Star yeah I wanna look up stuff and learn more and I WILL, just have so much trouble doing things.

Agree totally it's about emotional control that I'm tooooo slowwwlyyyyy working on but at least am making some excuse pun :) head way.

Bumma that we get rammed with heaps in one hit, good on you having control, mammoth. Hope & sounds like you'll hack it all but sorry you've got grief going on.

Woke up today first time in last few wks feeling quite good, could be mania starting or coming out other side, nearly had some tears but managed to stem, (emotional control). Started thinking about combatting the beast but something goes on that blocks it but I"m VERY stubborn so will keep at it. Probs the beast not wanting good outcomes. Getting more sleep helps no end too. Long way off but good.

Walked hills again yesterday and excercises for neck helped too.

In process of giving up durries (Joy) but having more money & better health will be fantastic. Have no choice, they've killed me financially, pffftttt.

Thanks as always for reply & time

Take good care :)

Yeah well at least there was happiness for a short time & there will be again, had another knock this morning, can't really go into it here, I'm not a bad person at all, opposite but is Karma & deserved, doesn't do anything for self esteem though.

Possibility I'm gunna have to move near or distant future, couple of reasons looking that way, but not stressing too much although have been here longest I've lived anywhere in Oz or anywhere full stop apart from living at home with parents as a youngy, fully secure & safe here but OK with change, though have a fair few friends here and around but where are they, can stay anytime with a few, know there's love but people are so busy with their own lives. Also hard cause here the longest we (late beautiful partner) lived anywhere as a couple, would feel like I'm leaving him behind, but not cause still will have things that we got together and his chair etc

Apart from hurting people, somethings at least stopping me make the choice, need to work out what it is so I can reinforce at times like now. Not liking it's becoming more and more an option.

Lonely not alone as I thought, but have love which is a lot more than many have.
Frigged if I know atm but really need to get on top of this rot. Gunna crash (sleep) soon maybe that'll help.

Over these deep downs & this isn't the worst of, but will get through sometime, until the next I guess.

There is strength though otherwise I'd just do it so survivals still strong enough for now.

Don't wanna be whinging all the time either but it's an outlet at least, still can't although thinking lot what you said Star about telling people exactly how it is. I encourage others to yet don't practice what I preach.

Walked, talked, rang few not home or busy visited one friend, still pretty bloody average.

On saying all this I DO believe we all have it in us to get through.

Friggen over it atm though

Sorry for constant negative sh

I hate that leaving's an option again, it's ok to cry its an outlet, in that case I should be on top of the world God knows there's been a lot.

Was waiting for takeaway, hate crying in public too but ya just can't hold the suckers back, turned & looked at a lovely quiet elderly couple eating their food in perfect harmony. Ageing would be such a hard thing, the body & mind goes into fail in so many areas, pain,loss, closer to leaving which most don't want

It made me cry more but thought those lovely people don't wanna die.

Hate that I'm entertaining this way too often, still have survival happening, need to concentrate on that more I guess

Not sure where to turn, how to hack anymore. Getting too much too often

Hey DB, no reason to apologize for the way you feel. Kudos instead for using this outlet. That's what it's here for.

To some extent we're all guilty of not taking a leaf out of our own book. It is emotions that keep us from doing so. Where others are concerned, we can see things more objectively because we are emotionally detached from he situation.

Reading through this thread, what jumps at me is the constant fight and struggle involved. No wonder you are feeling exhausted. But how can waging war against the electro-chemical swings in your brain stop them happening ? At the best, coping strategies can help manage them when they happen but do they suppress the next round ?

Have you considered acceptance as alternative ? Acceptance doesn't mean giving up. Far from it. It means pausing to view the issue from a different angle. We're all different but acceptance is what saved my own skin. Acceptance that struggling against something I couldn't change only served to exhaust myself into desperation. With desperation came thoughts of desperate measures. It was time for a different approach.

Learning as much as I could about the "enemy" allowed me to stop banging my head against a brick wall, pause and consider...a formidable weapon. The more I understood what it was made of, the better equipped I became to escape its control. The more I considered IT as object under observation instead of an enemy to fight, the less personal it became. Objective research put emotions on hold. A welcome reprieve. "Befriending the enemy" can give us sway over it. Navigating the forums shows that acceptance has been a huge step towards recovery for many. I am not the exception.

Perhaps it is not for you. But I hope it will at least provide food for thought. A change of perspective can change everything. It could help give yourself the break you so much deserve.

As always thanks Star for talking to me.

With help of psych something I've always known but didn't acknowledge as such till she said recently, I need people. The other thing is I'm desparately lonely, thought alone cause can walk down street & see & talk to several people sometimes I know or strangers, as said I have lot of love but they're all doing their stuff.
It's not the case but it seems like everyone's got someone, wether be kids, family, partner etc.

Had 4 hr sleep, nothing much has changed, earlier today went to special needs tt (Table tennis) soooo tired but made a pledge this yr wouldn't miss any times with them that I love, really doing something for people that need help & encouragement, support, beautiful people. I started & organises tt in my area. Happy around others but doesn't change coming home empty.

Other thing is all my life I've had as one psych said lack of volition, yeah at least I walk but believe in this art & can't get the push to do stuff, sit and watch tv mainly. Bus at times, good being around people, meet em. Made some new friends, one that passed recently & the other that I'm not sure how I feel about her.
Had organised to see Grow group but didn't hear from them but that's ok sort that later.

Sooo yeah heard around here about accepting and befriending the enemy but not sure how, it's hurting me like sh constantly dragging me down to places that are too hard to hack.
Have got that NIMH on sticky notes here to look up, just gotta get the oomph to look it up. Pathetic this lack of, pisses me off.

I'm open to nearly anything to help Star, seriously sinking & not sure how much longer I can breath, feeling like I've exhausted all avenues & stubborn as not to take more meds which many would say if they can fix why not but to me it's a bandaid, I need to adress the root prob. I'm still on some but reduced, the down stuff only worked a short while anyway so choofed them, without Docs say cause I'd accidentally missed a couple of nights no side effects & downs were returning as hard as usual.The ups I've managed to get a grip on moreso than the meds but doing most through Doc.

This isn't a life, I'm usually happy around people and well liked, not alone times. Hurting like hell.
Even starting to like myself more, but being dumped again doesn't help self esteem either

Yes, I get the being alone stuff. It has been my lot too for many years. I felt most alone whenever I had someone by my side. Being who I am either keeps people at bay or attracts those in need of being looked after. I have accepted that.

I too would like someone to hold my hand but since I will not settle for anything other than unconditional love, I have long stopped hoping for the needle in the haystack. At my age, it would be unrealistic. Learning to go through Life alone hasn't been easy. It still isn't, though I have had good training in this since birth. But so it goes, being alone doesn't make my existence meaningless.

As for meds, it is a personal choice. As mind and body adjust, what worked initially often needs to be changed or dosage tweaked. Talking to many high functioning people with BP seems to indicate most require the help of mood stabilizers to live a fulfilling life, from metropolitan cab driver to business executive.

Being dumped doesn't mean you are at fault. It is often a simple matter of incompatibility, sometimes chemistry. Many who clicked initially end up growing apart. No one is to blame, that's just the way it is. No reason why self-esteem should suffer. Good on you for organizing table tennis in your area and mingling with the crowd. You say you are well liked... isn't being likeable a boost to your self esteem ?

I noticed you have been posting a storm around the forums. Rest assured your contribution is very much appreciated. A big thank you.

Nah not easy is it, bloody awful being lonely makes ya feel empty unworthy but it's not the bloody case is it! That'd be ITBeast...beastIT....? doin it's thang. Good at it's job, we've just gotta be better aye Star.

How are you overall?

Yeah from start I've been more supporting here than vents but when it's rough it's rough so come here.
Thanks I like helping people as you do too :)

Hope you believe how grateful I am for you RockStar, (bet you're too modest to take that :) can easily see why people would lean on you, I've seen bits of your life, JEEZ!!! Raw deal. You've got your demons at a heel. Surviver KUDOS you're an inspiration
Deepest gratitude Star ya don't forget this stuff.
(beautiful hug) xx Affectionate, sue me lol good luck with that ;)

In mania tools for success surface, motivation, energy, ideas, belief, confidence, drive, BA sleep but ya can get a lot done I reckon cause the mind knows it doesn't last too long but ya can make it longer
We've probs all got those too Part of strength I'd say

That's right about dumping, this one's bit complicated for here but yeah self esteem hit but getting stronger so hacking ok, bit miffed tho :)
Unconditional love started low self esteem healing immensely & yeah realising that people like/love me helped no end way to go but good progress, recent realisation. Loves our ultimate need
Unconditional comes in time, partner said once Love grows, truth.

HARD AS step, got script for anti depressants may not use em & don't have to stay on them, see if I pull outta this soon. Had good day today, V.good Doc, magic bloke, boomer time with beautiful friend & saw others, I like people, not all the time lol

Chooky from MH tomoz she's great too

Yeah getting outta this back up
Hope so don't wanna go more pills but at least can be tempory & there if it gets too hard. These take about 4 wks to kick in I think We'll see

Hope you have a good sleep :) HUG

Nah, I wouldn't sue you over a hug (thanks for the laugh). That's another thing I have learned to accept -even enjoy- no matter who gives it as long as it is heartfelt.

You are right, love can grow. It can also wither and die.

It is a relief to read that you have a top GP...a terrific asset to have on your side. As for the meds, it is good to have them on hand. Whether you use them or not, you're in control. The choice is yours. The problem with ADs is that their effect is not instant so some persistence is needed. Also, stopping abruptly can have disastrous effects but I guess all that has been discussed with your prescribing doctor. If they can bring some measure of relief to those horrible down times and allow you to get on with life, then it will be a positive step. Sometimes chemical imbalances in the brain need to be chemically corrected. Just like a shot of insulin is necessary routine for diabetic people. Not ideal but...this is an imperfect world. Quality of Life is the priority.

I had an inner chuckle at your mention of a rock star. I was very much into that lifestyle in my youth. This is if you leave the sex part out of the equation (never saw what the big deal was about these brief moments of bliss, may it be with males or females). So I still see myself as an aged rock chick...some things fall by the way side as we go, others stick around. Choices, I guess.

Sending a hug back your way.

Yeah the hugs always heartfelt Rockstar :D

Haven't got the AD's yet and yeah take about 4 ish wks to kick in, yikes but can go off em but yeah some not quickly. Like I don't have to stay on them.

Been doing untold sleeping lately, most of the days, helping & giving up durries so not awake to hang for them.
Buying the odd one of people.

Coming out the other side, phew. Was a long one again, rough but good to be here not there.

Off for walk in tic and shoulder excercises, like them, wow one's really hard can only do 10 at a time

Ok Rocken chick :D take good care and as always thanks so much for being here for me ((( xx ))) & reciprocated too anytime

Thank you for sharing the good news. Catching up with much needed sleep sure does help. No wonder deprivation is used as a form of torture...

Good on you for sticking with exercise. Though I agree that motivation doesn't always come easy. As usual, it's that first step that's the most difficult. Living with a pack of active dogs often forces me out the gate...whether I like it or not. Fortunately, those outings usually catch my interest as we go. 5minutes into it, I'm usually glad I got a move on. Even if the last hour was spent trying hard to ignore the K9s glaring alternatively at their harness then at me. So intense it can penetrate the most reluctant back...

Welcome back to a better space.

Enjoy.

Sorry took ages to get back, been listening from Ph: takes ages and working out how to log on and off was driving me nuts.

Yeah thx Star, back to normal, gotta yuk cold now but feeling ok.

I bet the dogs keep you active lol, you wouldn't have a lot of choice I imagine.

Jeez all I'm doing these days is sleeping but that's ok, kills time and giving up durries so takes a few cravings away.

Hope you're well Star, how is your health now?

xx & big hugs :)

Well done for working out the login rigmarole. It would take me months and I would probably end up needing outside help ! Older generations are nostalgic for simpler times when things were either on or off. When it didn't take jumping through that many hoops to get things done...and even more to get them undone.

With all you've been through recently, needing to sleep it off is no surprise. Kudos for giving up the durries habit. You are doing well. Always good to see proactive people doing it for themselves. It shows your courage and determination.

Yes, getting out of a warm bed when it is -7 or 8C outside is not easy. Fortunately, the dogs also tend to sleep a bit longer while in winter mode. But it is still hard to be woken up by a dog flicking your eyelids open with its tongue. Done gently but still feels forceful !!!

Feeling better now that I have taken my health back in my own hands (I was given the wrong antibiotics !). Thank you for asking.

Fingers crossed this much needed R & R will help you get rid of your cold ASAP.

Jeez glad ur on right track now health Rock star :)

yikes need to teach dogs how to read time oh & Soo cold Arghh lol

Had looksy other day at brain mechanics yeah easy to understand as you said

Thx as always being there Rock xx

At times the silence is deafening isn't it Star.

God I miss him. love him so much RIP baby xxx

Grieving is tough, isn't it ? It never ends. All we can do is learn to cope and live with it. Eventually. Moving on through changes is one of Life's lessons. Not the easiest to absorb and proceed. Like Life itself, everything and everyone we hold dear is on loan. The more privileged we are to share a great connection and a terrific stretch of the journey, the harder the loss hits us.

The good thing is, we have choices re what we make of it all. The way I see it is that Life can be compared to a book or a movie. It is an unfolding story that inevitably comes to an end. The plot of a book, the scenario of a movie often acquire a life of their own as they are being written. The finished product is often different from what was initially on the author's and director's mind. But they go along with those changes. It doesn't stop them producing a masterpiece that will touch others and leave a long-lasting imprint.

Yes, the silence...I have a different relationship with it. Sometimes, a hush comes over the bush, no birdsong or animal noises, no wind to rustle leaves. Just pure silence. I become absorbed in it, dissolve in it. I no longer exist. There's only peace. A tendency of mine for spontaneous meditation...and a great way to recharge the internal battery.

Occasionally, I do miss a human voice but I have heard so much  in my life that it is usually short-lived :-)

Sure, I'm a jaded old fart...but all in all not an unhappy one.

I don't particularly like talking about myself. But sometimes, it helps reveal to someone else a different perspective, hopefully a less painful way to view their troubles. One of the many things these forums are meant to do.

How is your weekend shaping up ?