" I analysed myself almost to a standstill. Is this me or this the bipolar?"
Part of what is going on now, especially on a few 'issues' that I have trouble explaining, or even taking full responsibility for :( how do you accept your past actions, not knowing what state you were in, how much control you really had, and accept some really poor outcomes, without hating yourself so much that it really hurts. I don't do anger, not something I'm good at. I'm usually self confident, plow ahead, keep busy, or alternatively go into avoidance behavior. I don't get angry, don't like it, but all I do lately is get really angry at myself, and then fill with self hatred. It's paralyzing.
Have I led the psychiatrist into this, I've read to much, was I looking for an excuse, to help dilute my responsibility. It can't really be Bipolar. I've certainly got problems, something going on. But sometimes I'm perfectly fine, I can pretend, or I forget any issues, I get on with life. Bipolar is a serious issue, but I've got enough chronic health issues I get to deal with, Psoriasis, Psoriatic Arthritis. Woe is me huh.
But I'm still functioning, I'm a senior manager, leading people, I go to work each day, and yes it's a massive struggle, but if I was truely Bipolar, that couldn't work could it? Or am I just waiting for someone to say - "well yes it can, it just mean's you're strong and amazing and tough". I don't know.
I've also just completed my first ever full running marathon on the weekend. I'd worked all year for this (loved my 'manic' running, hey lets go for a run, at least 20km, at 10pm at night, because I need to!), and 2 weeks ago I nearly called it all off.(there I am, trying label behavior, stupid labels, aren't all runners just like this anyway?).
I should be celebrating, proud, but I feel angry, I've hurt people I love, I've lost my way. Today feels like a shitty black hole. I would normally go for a run right now, but that doesn't work when you're legs are still having trouble with stairs, and had about 6 hours sleep in the last 3 days.
So I come here and rant. I've had enough reading, TMI, I don't know what applies. I don't feel like I'm serious enough to fit Bipolar, I feel like a fraud, riding on the coat tails of a serious condition.
I'm going back to eating 10 choc Freddos for lunch and blame it on the mood stabilisers, no doing their job today huh.
And in the background of my head "just pull yourself together, you're a smart guy, get on with it".