Hi MallowPuff - I know what you're saying mate.

First, yes it is possible to be high functioning, hold down a high pressure job etc and be bipolar. I did and I know others who do.

LIke other mental illnesses, bipolar is on a spectrum. Some of us (especially bipolar 2) have a much milder version than others (especially bipolar 1). There is also a form of bipolar disorder called cyclothymia which is milder still (in which your moods go up and down but you don't get the extreme highs or lows).

As for accepting things we 've done or believed or trouble we caused in the past, I don't have any real answers (I'm working on it with my psych). All I can say is that it's very hard to come to terms with, but somehow we have to aim for a point where we just look forward and try not to stay in the past (yeah, I'm not there yet).

DId you know that studies have shown bipolar people often have higher than average intelligence and are very creative? And do you know that in the majority of cases bipolar is genetic? Our brains just work differently.

I hope this is helpful Mallow. Here anytime if you want to keep talking.

Cheers

Kaz

Thanks Kazzl.....

yes, the spectrum was mentioned, and I'm not sure where I fit... or how, or what it really means....

but I guess we just keep going huh, keep working it out.....there just seems so much time in between appointments, coping, struggling, riding the waves :)

thanks for listening, replying back... and for other that also follow this thread...

I'm off to bed, and we will see what tomorrow brings, and what version of chocolate biscuit we find in the morning.

Night all.

Morning Mallow, hope you slept well.

Yes, we do just keep going - that's the best thing we can do. But we also need to take good care of ourselves. If you've been reading around you've probably seen this but thought I'd mention it anyway ... it's important that we maintain healthy habits that help keep us stable. Eat well, stay hydrated (especially important with mood stabilisers), keep the booze to a minimum, try to get a good sleep routine going, same times each day, and exercise.

I know how frustrating it is waiting between appointments and waiting for drugs to kick in. Where are you up to with drug treatment? Have you just started? It can take a while, and there might be some side effects (minimal in my case fortunately).

I found everything seemed to intensify for a while when I started on medication, but it did settle down in time.

Hope your day is a good one mate.

Kaz

Hi again all,

3 weeks into treatment, and appointment with psychiatrist next week to review. Side effects have been annoying. I dropped from 120kg in 2011, down to a sprightly 76kg last month.... in 3 weeks I've added 5kg :( bam! Half because I've been eating carbs and chocolate like an animal, but I expect based on reading up that the medication is a strong contributor to that. Scares me, as I don't want to be that big again..

i can feel the difference on the medication, in that it's put a ceiling on my highs, and when it's at full strength, approx 45 mins after taking a dose, I function pretty 'normally', and feel pretty level. But then it wears off, and particularly in the morning or if I miss a dose, I get back the racing thought, irritability, anxiety, can't sit still, and a bunch of other things (hyper sexuality is in there)... no where near as bad as a few weeks ago, but it's like the engine is running just above idle :) getting the occasional rev.

routine is a challenge, sleep is a challenge, exercise not so :) it's 2am, feeling great, just cleaned the kitchen, hung out the washing, took out the rubbish, cleaned the stove, and I'll be up at 6:30, and on a work call at 7:00am..

i am pretty crap in the morning though, just the getting out of bed part.... don't want to get up and face the day usually... but once im up and had brekky, full steam ahead!

Hiya Mallow, it's early days mate. I remember thinking the medication wasn't doing anything for me during the first month or so. It was, but as with you, as soon as it wore off I'd be back to the racing thoughts, aggitation etc. It has to build up to a therapeutic level over time. I also found each time the dose was increased I'd get side effects but they only lasted a couple of days then settled.

Hang in there mate, it's worth waiting for.

The weight gain is a real bugger. I know many bipolar people who have put on weight quickly, and I certainly have. The drugs make me hungry, not just 'oh I feel like a snack' but the actual physical pang of hunger. Not sure what to do about it. Like you I don't want to put weight on (I'm already a woman of substance haha). If you come across any tips, or know anything from being an athlete, I'd be grateful to hear it.

Hope you have a good day today Mallow. Be nice to yourself.

Cheers

Kaz

Evening, and an update!

Got through another week, and doing okayish. Some key stressors in life have started to settle, and I've decided I'd like to challenge my diagnosis, and even more so, the medication I've been put on. Too much reading on the nasty issues of scaling up the medication, let alone the challenges getting off it. And the weight, one of my biggest problems :(

Reading more and started on a mood journal, as well as non medication alternatives to coping, particularly re the anxiety, racing thoughts, and being more conscious of my actions... And sleep, getting back into a regular sleep pattern!

I have a follow-up appointment with my Psychiatrist on Tuesday, shall be interesting. I've also deferred my next psychologist, feeling too much like a play toy for medical practitioners at the moment, and certainly the bank balance is in a very bad state.

Good news is my wife and I are in much better shape, and I've been able to tell her all my plans, and been quite open at what/where I want to go next. She seems mostly open, as long as we keep a close eye on things, and we keep talking. We have quite a few things to sort through, including some infidelity on my behalf. I've got to the point of mostly working out that the infidelity was some stupid poor coping decisions around my relationship at home (over a long period) and with life in general, and not something that fits into a bipolar behavior. Apart from the massive hole I've driven into my wife's heart/life/head, we've spent a lot of time discussing things we've parked and avoided for many years, on both sides.. and we've almost started afresh on quite a few fronts. Hard work, stressful, but we've made more progress in the past 3 weeks, than we have for 5+ years.

But it's the weekend, and I had a good run on Friday post marathon, which gave me a lift, knowing I could still happily run (have had a few friends do a marathon, and not run few months... scared me a bit, don't think I could cope without running lol).

Enjoy the weekend all.... MP!

Morning psychiatrist appointment, she was really good, particularly when I informed her I didn't like my mood stabilisers, and stopped them last week with a view to manage things without medication, and the hope that the settling down of some recent stressors and getting off anti-depressants should give me more of an idea of what I can cope with...

I challenged the diagnosis too, was quite a good chat, she is still convinced.... I sort of used the hammer/everything is a nail argument :)

Hiya Mallow, good to know your stressors have settled. I hope it all goes well without medication - I'll be keen to know how it's going. Will you be drug-free then? I'd love that but don't think it's possible for me.

I've had a reminder that I'm still a bit fragile. I started yesterday morning feeling great, then my brand new computer carked it (operating system got stuck in a restart loop) and I lost it. Went into a shaking, crying rage that felt like it would rip me apart. I wanted to throw things and smash things (fortunately I didn't). When I came out of it I went down, flat as a tack and teary. I'm still really flat this morning.

I'd been going so well, thought I was over the anger of losing my job, but this has set me back. I know I just have to take it back to the shop, but I've got files on there I need and it seems an impossible task to do anything. I hate the world again, and I hate knowing I'm still fragile.

Kaz

Ahh bugger..... I work in IT :) IT Director..... have you turned it off and on again? (Hope you chuckled)...

re your laptop, do you have another computer and can download a bootable USB stick of any Linux OS and then you may be able to at least boot and copy off your files..If you're lucky enough to have a Mac, find someone else with a Mac, and download the El Capitan installer, put it on a USB stick and boot your mac off that, and you can see your whole Hard disk and use the mac (assume hard disk is okay).

But yeh, that really sucks...

Re me, im taking the approach that if I go on medication, I'm not expecting i will be coming off it any time soon, so let's try without it first... I had the medication close at hand though, one of the agreements with the doc. I had the same issue with my psoriasis/psoriatic arthritis. Went on some new medication, got better, took myself off it, and the arthritis all came back :( so now PBS sponsors me about $2000 per month... hooray taxes and PBS.

It was a little worrying that the doc wanted to check if I had private health insurance in case of hospitalisation required. I put it down to worst case planning, not a bad thing :)

I'm also off to get an MRI, as I challenged the late in life diagnosis and no family history. Let's go look at my brain!

How it's going though is hard to tell, I just feel weird, super attentive/aware/cautious, what is 'normal' me, what is hyper me? Am I just excited? Am I just normal confident me, or is that not normal.... argh... thought I got to a place in life that I had mostly worked myself out, and it's sort of gone of the rails a little.

As for you, I am grateful to have you and this forum to waffle in, and so thank-you :) I hope the flatness doesn't hang around for long, pump up the music and open all the doors me windows at home and enjoy :) or if it's raining, go for a walk in the rain, I love running in the rain... usually there is no one else out and about and the streets are all yours. and it's just so liberating. it's just water :)

But welcome back to the online world, hope the computer gets fixed soon! I'd normally offer to meet and help you, I love to help! But that's part of what got me into trouble, striking up emotionally charged friendships with women, because you are all so gorgeous and and caring, and huggable! So no direct contact, just the safety of a public forum (and the ability to have others contribute too)

Cheers

marathon Mallowpuff!

In for the long haul

Hey Mallow, what a lovely post! Thank you, that did lift my spirits. 😄

And yes I did chuckle at 'switch it off and on again'. I loved the IT Crowd, great show. Well, the great great news it, it seems to have fixed itself. I held the off switch down for about 5 minutes out of desperation and the start up screen came up and a thing that said the update was completed. What bloody update? I neither know nor care but whatever it was it took 24 hours! Anyways, it then started going through its start thingy and next thing I know it's working! And it still is!

So, I'm still jangled and washed out but very glad I didn't smash it when I wanted to.

I like your approach Mallow - and yes it is very hard to come off drugs once you've been on them a while. So it's definitely worthwhile finding out if you can get by without them, with help at hand if you can't.

I talked with my psych last time about the 'what's me and what's bipolar'. She helped me see it's all me, just different aspects of me or my mind. It's hard to stop thinking that way though. I don't want to be defined by my condition, yet I see clearly now how it affects me and has in the past. Hard to reconcile sometimes ...

Anyways, eyes front and onwards my friend. We can do this ... whatever this is. 😊

Cheers

Kaz (hug)

Got a quote on an MRI, $310 to start, and if they get a little excited and need to add contrast, put on another $75 to that. The kicker, no medicare or private rebate...

So no funky big magnets for me!

I looked up all the medicare rebates, and there are only specific conditions upon which medicare rebates apply... But I'm not sure how they line those items up as such...

Hiya Mallow - yep, I'm learning too what an expensive business it is having a wonky brain. Between doctors, psychs, drugs and blood tests I reckon I'm keeping the economy going.

Hope you had a good day mate despite the lack of funky big magnets.

Cheers

Kaz

xx

It's oh so quiet.... at least on this thread...

Busy weekend... sleep is still a problem. Too much stuff to do :) but I got a sleep in over the weekend, have cut back on the running. But going to bed at 1am this morning, to be woken up by a work incident at 5am doesn't help..

But I'm feeling okay, weird and troubled, but okay. Or maybe even it's more that I feel I can manage the mild highs I have, or is that just normal me? I have a tenancy to overthink things, and I've always been full of energy at times. Spoke to my parents about it this weekend, and they sort of thought it was just me being me.

Theory is that after leaving a very stressful job last year (laying people off for 12 months, winding down my teams, running the place into the ground), going into a new job I've never really 'clicked' with and struggled with massive anxiety/confidence issues, a troubled friendship that fell apart, and then an infidelity, and now my wife having to deal with all that.... Who wouldn't feel all over the place? Isn't this just a regular mid-life crisis hey? maybe I just need to go buy that Harley Davidson (and if I did, would that just be a bipolar self-fulfilling prophecy, dang, can't go buy that bike with the money I don't have... will just have to be content with my new ipad mini lol).

Maybe it's all just in my head *chuckle*.... sigh, poor dad joke...

I say buy the Harley anyway Mallow 😀 Bipolar or not, we're all entitled to a mid life crisis. I bought a red convertible when I had mine (true - sadly my then husband pranged it).

You know, being diagnosed doesn't make you any different to what you've always been. It just gives you a context for troubling behavioural things and, in particular, otherwise inexplicable depression. But, I know, there's the label to contend with and all the associated stigma.

Seems to me your main focus now is to see how you get on without medication. Focus on that, don't tie yourself in knots over the diagnosis. I so hope it works for you and wish you every strength mate.

Cheers

Kaz

Hi Mallow and Kazz,

It has been quite on this thread. Congrats on conquering 42.1 km Mallow , I've done 3 but my running days are long gone. I used to cycle but haven't cycled since August last year when I become unwell. January 1 2017 is when I plan to get back on the pushy. Been making radical diet choices lately in an effort to loose weight gained due to lack of excercising and side effects of the meds.

As Kazz states it's just a label. In the year since my diagnosis I've tried a couple of cocktail of meds, seen so many Psychs and now doing other theraphy in an concerted effort to get well if that's possible. It's a daily battle and I must admit it's getting easier.Lots of support here:)

cheers Len

Hey Len, Kaz,

nice to hear from you Len, and I hope to catch up to you on the marathon count! one day... The weight issue is one of my fears, and I put a bit too much emphasis on it probably. But coming down from 115-120kg to 76 kg in 5 years, I'm not wanting to go back up!

But it's been a rough (long) weekend, and I think I need to reconsider the medication.... Haven't been back to my psychologist either in a few weeks, sort of been avoiding her. Mostly since she informed me she wanted me on mood stabilisers so she could actually get somewhere with me, and because I don't want to see her face when I told her I took myself off them... I think I can do this... (throw me some more motivational quotes and block of chocolates, we can do this!).. I've also been really good... staying away from the alcohol! but sleep... is still all over the shop...

My wife though is struggling a bit with me, and although supportive of my no-medication attempt to get through this, she's also petrified I'll go off the rails, either up (risky behavior) or down (there be dragons)... Although the down side was worse when I was on anti-depressants, and I'm well off them now :)

So we'll see what the next few days bring. Not long to the weekend...

Hiya Len - good to see you mate! How's things? I'd like to hear about these radical diet choices, especially if they work - I really have to Do Something about this weight gain.

Hi Mallow, hope you're OK today.

Cheers

Kaz

Friday... TGIF!

Booked in for a follow-up with my lovely psychologist next week. Sort of had to after counselling my wife to go and see someone for her challenges (mostly of my creation), and she aptly called out my hypocrisy :) I've also stopped reading up on Bipolar for the moment, and am listening to a couple of counselling podcasts on infidelity, and I'm learning a whole lot more of how I've really really hurt someone I love :( so much I had no idea of what the impact was... but also some points to let me know what we are going through, and how we are handling (and so many of the good things we are doing!) is 'normal'. So overall it's hard work, but it's been great to be on the same page as my wife, helping me understand what is going on.. *heart sinks*

But I'm still powering through. But work has been super stressful this week, not helping.. other than fueling my anxiety (or is it hypomania, or just stress, or irritability, or, or, or )..

Speaking of! Kaz, and news/plans/hopes on the employment front? and what industry/role do you work in? or are you planning a change.... I'm trying to work out what's next for a possibly burnt out IT guy. Trying to work out if it is just the current job/company I'm in, or lingering pain from my last job. Or would I just re-engage with my CIO like aspirations are the right company, or do I need to see what skills I have to totally shift into a new area (really really really tempting!).

And Len, can you get back into running? have you seen The Oatmeal comics, my favourite. Look up 'the Blerch'. I've spent the last 18 months trying to outrun the Blerch. I thought the Blerch for me was my 115kg self, and my desire to eat everything. I think I've found a new Blerch, and it and I have just got far too close lately, and boy am I now feeding it rather than running away. We're spending some quality time together. You need to know the beast to properly look after it yes? :)

Happy Friday all. Tonight I strap some wheels to my feet and skate, some of the best therapy around. Near effortless, self propulsion, round and round in a rink, to (mostly) dance music... the rest of the world does not exist!

Hi Mallow - sorry it's taken a while to reply. I forgot to post that I'll be off the forum for a week or so while my daughter is visiting from overseas.

Hope you're going OK this week.

Cheers

Kaz

Hi Mallow and Kazz,

glad to hear things are on the improve. Enjoy the time with your daughter Kazz families are everything. Mallow I'd love to run again. Had a hip resurface op 3 years ago and years of long distant running on hard surfaces are to blame. Back in the days of running lots and running hard. Nowadays I think there is so much info out there and short sharp interval training is the go. If running long distances rocks your boat my friend do it while you can.

very soon I will be back on my road bike. Cleaned it and my cycling gear the other day. Haven't ridden since April last year and ever so glad that I didn't sell it when I was at my lowest.They were dark days and I wouldn't have trusted myself at all out there. It will be a big step when I do but excercise, any excercise, even a short walk releases all those beautiful endorphins. Have a good one folks,

cheers Len

One of my assets is being decisive. Except when it comes to diets and my eating habits...there is no discipline there.

So on my 60th birthday earlier this year I decided I would no longer worrying about my weight...why? Because I've worried all my life and that worry hadn't resulted in a good result.

So while I'll watch what I eat and get some exercise in, I've removed a factor that could end in a stroke if I kept stewing over my weight.

It was time to move on from that line of thought.

Tony WK

Morning....

tough week... Man flu.. struggling. Finally booked into re-engage with my psychologist (made the booking last week), and was sort of looking forward to it tonight, and the poor thing is also ill, and I've been pushed to next week.. not good....

and Len, yup, something in the back of my mind, running as far and as often as I can, while I can.... just not so much in the last few weeks though...

WK, an taking your comments on weight as input to the many things swirling in my head :) hoping it reduces the worry for you too! Have to remember that weight is not so much the issue as is being overall healthy and active!

So I'm going back onto the medication. Running out of puff trying to be 'normal' and it's probably not actually effective. This week has also been so up and down it has really been a challenge. I was 'managing' okay I thought until I hit man flu, and then it sort of stopped my in my tracks for a couple of days. Sleeping 4 hrs a night probably wasn't helping recovery either... So I am enjoying a better sleep on the mood stabilisers... still have to try to get to bed earlier, but working on that...

Nearly the weekend again, nearly better (man flu).. hoping to get a weekend this time after losing most of last weekend to man flu!!

and Kaz, hope the daughter visit is going well! Enjoy!

WK,

you make so much sense. I do profess to fussing about my weight which over the years has done my head in. I've made some drastic changes, not eating red meat, potatoes, bread, skipping meals and eating only when hungry. I've lost little weight and realise that if we're to eat more frequent as in 5 small meals, I'd provably kick start my metabolism and loose weight a bit more sensibly.

MallowPuff I used to get colds and feel run down pardon the pun post my marathons. They take so much out of you and it's important to take it easy so you can bounce back better for the next one. It's been 17 years since I ran that distance so my advice might be old hat lol.

i actually fired up my spin bike yesterday. Took it very easy, but it was great to feel the blood pumping and my heart pounding out of my chest.With some weather in the 30s (yay and about bloody time we had some sunny wether) I plan to don the Lycra and hit the road. So much has changed this year, I'm getting my mojo back . Amazing what the right meds, medical intervention, supportive family and great support here on BB from some beautiful , special people. It just goes to show what a bit of tenacity will do. I see the quack tomorow regarding my 6 month follow up post DVT. I know following the scan the other day something is slightly ammiss but will soldier on.

Kazz, haven't forgotten about you my friend, hope you had some magic quality time with your daughter,

cheers all

Hiya Len and Mallow - how are you guys?

Mallow I hope your manflu's gone, terrible thing manflu. Great to hear you're back on your bike Len - are you enjoying it?

I'm in a bit of a hypo state at the moment - head's all over the place wanting to play instead of focussing. Not sleeping, can't settle, racing thoughts ... and I bought seven pairs of shoes yesterday. It made perfect sense at the time (still does) they were all less than half price. But today I realise I probably didn't need them all ... 😊 You know what it's like right?

Anyways, the reason I bought so many shoes (well, my rationale anyways) is that I will need them for my ... wait for it ... NEW JOB!! Yes, I have got me a job, just a casual position at this stage, which is what I wanted because I'll be studying next year. I'm now a mental health peer support worker. How very bloody cool is that! F- the public service, I'm gonna do something I actually care deeply about. Not sure yet when I start, but I can't wait!

Meanwhile, daughter's visit has been interesting. Not as much fun as I'd hoped, but that's the way of it.

Anyways, hope you are all feeling OK and enjoying the sunshine!

Cheers

Kaz

Congratulations Kaz,

see one door shuts another one opens. Fantastic news on the job front well done.Makes perfect sense to me as well. You can wear a different pair every day. Half price as well and there's nothing like a bit of retail theraphy. F the public service as well. My sons 21 birthday today so proud as punch. It's a warm one here today 31 degrees. It's come out of nowhere and 22 tomorrow. Typical of the weather this year bit like me all over the place lol. Actually doing ok.My course ,meds and one on ones seems to be working. Living "normally " if such a thing for me exists. Having been on the bike yet. Today was supposed to be the day buts its way to Hot. The specialist on Monday advised me that my main artery in my leg is still blocked but the other veins are working and he's happy. I'm also to ride with caution as if I have a fall I will bleed out.its like riding without a helmet. My reckoning is that if I fall or collide with a car will come off second best anyway. Have always been a defensive cyclist anyway. It's all good though. I m still here.i m rapt for you Kazz following your passion and following a career choice much more befitting. Hope it's sunny in your neck of the woods

cheers Len

Hiya Len - thanks mate. It's always good to talk with you. Yes I'm chuffed about the job.

Hahah, I thought you'd understand about the 'retail therapy'. Hey, I know someone who bought the entire contents of a small shop when he was manic, and someone else who bought a boat. At least my shoes fit in the wardrobe. 😄

I'm still a bit jangled tonight - had a meeting this afternoon about something important to me, now of course I'm turning it over and over, reliving it, did I say the right things, why did I say that, why didn't I say this ... exhausting. There's no consequence regardless, so I wish my brain would just shut up for a while.

I'm sad too because my daughter's going back. Sigh.

Glad you've got such good weather Len. Ours is good too at the moment. Perfect gardening weather. Did you have a party for your son? 21 eh? Make you feel old? Haha. My eldest is 30 and youngest 27.

Now about this cycling ... newly trained first aider needs to know - do you know what to do if you're injured? And, did you know you can get an app on your phone that will connect you with the emergency services and provide GPS locational data and such? A good thing if you're going far or riding in unfamiliar places.

Have good night mate, chat soon I hope.

Cheers

Kaz

Hey Len,

Enjoy the ride, and stay safe :) gotta drag my bike out and enjoy the wind in the hair too, now the weather is improving...

Kaz,

Congrats on the job, and the celebratory shoes! Need to go factory outlet shopping myself for some new runners ;) tempting...

and me, no more man flu, back on meds, psychiatrist appt next Tuesday...

Hiya Mallow - I'm glad to hear the manflu's gone. I had a dose of it ealier in the year (I'm sure it was your actual manflu, caught from my hubby) and it laid me flatter than flat. Horrible thing.

How are the meds treating you so far? Mine took quite a while to settle, both with efficacy and side effects - worth it once they kick in though.

And how are you feeling about seeing the psych? Hope it goes well and he/she is a good one.

Factory outlet shopping - oooohhhhh. I want. 😄 Sadly, I think I've done my dash with manic shopping for a while. Think hubby's coming with me next time haha.

Thanks for the congrats on the job. I'm still home waiting impatiently for a start date.

It's hot like almost summer hot today. The rampaging bamboo in my backyard has doubled in height overnight (true!), so time to attack it again.

Have a good day Mallow, you too Len mate.

Cheers

Kaz

So, after the hypo buzz comes the inevitable crash. Sigh. At least it's predictable.