Hey Kazzl,

Hope the dip is short lived..... took your lead last night... crappy day... stopped by DFO, Nike had 40% off everything :) tried on 5 pairs of new runners, went to buy two, settled on the Fluor green ones :) happy days... took them for a run this morning,.,, I now have 15 pairs at home to choose from :) watch out Imelda...

Other than that.... I think my head is going to explode...

Hi Mallow - I like your style with the runners. Fluro green is excellent. 😄

Just wanted to let you folks know I'm going AWOL for a while. Need to lick some wounds. The job offer has been withdrawn and I'm gobsmacked.

It was a peer support position with a large NSW-based not-for-profit. They offered it to me about two weeks ago. Then, apparently it had to be processed by their HR people and they decided my degree isn't relevant and I have no experience. Well, that was clear in my application, and at interview, and when it was offered. And qualifications weren't required. No idea why they let it go this far. I suspect their HR didn't like the b word.

Still, if this is their level of professionalism, I'd rather know how they operate now than after committing to them. One off the list.

See you later guys. Take care, and enjoy the runners Mallow.

Kaz

xx

Hey Kaz,

That is disappointing - I get it too.

Thats happened once before and it did actually feel like a 'loss', that I had to go through a grieving process, to get it all out my system.

The fact of the matter is...its their loss, but I know that may seem far from what you think at the moment.

I just want you to know, that I think that you are an absolute blessing here on these forums - I love your quirky sense of humour, and careful, thoughtful words that you have sent me, on my posts.

Bless you big time sister.

Big squishy hugs from me and the wolf!

We are here for you...and trust me, I do get it, so take all the time you need to process this!

MuchMuchMuchMuchLove

Kaitoa&Bundy

OK, right, well, that made me cry and smile at the same time. 😊

Thanks Kaitoa (and Bundy) - means more than I can say. Big squishy hugs to you too lovely fella and doggie.

xx

Awww No!

As SourceSheild said above, their loss, and certainly you've got the right logic in that if they stuff you around at this point, it's good to know before you jump into the role and possibly jump into a poor workplace/experience.

But I know logic doesn't stop how it feels (been working off pure logic, suppressing feelings since forever).

Lick your wounds gently :) look after yourself. I always look at the stories of big successful people that get knocked back, often, and go onto something so much bigger (like it feeds their will/desire/determination). Like Jack Ma, now worth $28billion, and taking on Amazon and Ebay. Took 4 years to get his equivilent of HSC/VCE, and then couldn't get a job... from Wikipedia..

"After graduation, Ma applied for 30 different jobs and got rejected by all." I went for a job with the police; they said, 'you're no good,'" Mr. Ma told Rose. "I even went to KFC when it came to my city. Twenty-four people went for the job. Twenty-three were accepted. I was the only guy ...". In addition he applied 10 times for Harvard and got rejected"

As for me, I'm off to the Dr psych tomorrow to hopefully get some more serious meds. I need to sort myself out so I can help/support my family, stop being pig headed and selfish etc. Trying to find what was the 'usual' me... which seems to be lost in a fog of crapola... Have found my mood stabilisers quiet the mind a bit and allow me to focus, but not all the time (on a low dose), and sometimes they really make the angry/irritable :( So sometimes they make everything feel nearly normal, and others, like I'm going absolutely crazy...

Hope you don't go too far Kazzl.... I always look forward to your replies... considered feedback. I know we've only just met on here, but it's really nice to know you're there, and willing to chip in. Even though I feel I can only offer a glimpse of what's going on in my head on here, you're there... and that's awesome. It helps...

Go put those new shoes on, and go strut somewhere, own it... be the boss :)

MuchLove Kaz!

Also - on a more practical note...and I know youre going AWOL for a bit, but when youre ready - Have you checked out EthicalJobs.com?

As it sounds they list work in all sorts of fields, but especially those that deal with social change, peer-support etc etc etc...if you havent, and when youre ready to start looking again, this could be a site for you to subscribe to, and look for work that best suit your career needs and wants - just a thought.

You take good care of you now.

PeaceOut

Oh Kaz that is SO disappointing.

It is a completely reasonable response to feel lousy and frustrated right now.

How dare they!

That really worries me too! i.e.: do I disclose or not disclose.

Employment is one area of life where there is still so much work to do with regards to mental health.

When the economy is sluggish they can afford to be picky and do ridiculous things like this. What a waste of money, why put you through it.

A similar thing happened to someone I used to know in the APS. Got offered the job, quit the crappy job, 2 weeks later got a call "there's been an employment freeze by the government, sorry there is no position after all!"

So unfair.

xxx

Morning,

Back from the docs..Time to up the medication and try to try to rediscover the non hypomanic MallowPuff :) the mood stabiliser I am on, at the dose I was on was a temporary anxiety treatment at best, but since I am tolerating this okay, we are getting all serious and upping the stakes.

Pdoc part proposed me to have a week or two off work and jump up the dose, but since I've pretty much used too much leave, we are going to step it up over the next month or so.... sort of kicking myself for trying to go it alone for a few weeks, but guess you gotta try yeh? I'm still standing ;)

Back to psychologist tomorrow, then off to the bank to re mortgage the house to pay for all this special attention 😂😂

Kazz,

what a bunch of tosses that mob were. Take care and thinking of you. Keep on keeping on, one foot in front of the other and you can do it in any pair of shoes you choose,

mega hugs Len

Good morning all - so I pop on to see how Mallow's appointment went and here you all are! Goodness! (In every sense.) Thank you so much Kaitoa, Corny, Wishful, Mallow and Len - what a fine bunch you are. I feel like I've been encircled by kindness. Thank you.

Kaitoa - thanks for the reminder of ethicaljobs.com, a very good site. I'll check it today. Big cuddle for Bundy (and you).

Corny hun - I'm a bit biased about the disclosure thing at the moment. I could just be being paranoid, but I don't think I'll be totally open from now on (I would have thought it wouldn't be a problem for a mental health peer support position ... sigh).

Wishful my lovely - I intend to find a reason to wear every one of my new shoes! (I do love how you all seem to understand the shoe thing. 😄)

I'm still a bit wobbly but trying to focus on weeding - in my mind every weed I pull out is a nasty, cruel or stupid person that the world could do without. And the really big ones are Donald Trump.

How's your garden going Len? Is it hot down your way - we've suddenly skipped spring and gone into low 30s. After so much rain, the weeds love it.

Mallow mate, it sounds like things are progressing as they should. I remember being at your stage, starting to up the dosage and being impatient and thinking it wasn't working properly. Then, suddenly it was. And don't kick yourself about trying to go drug-free. I admire you for testing it - now you have a baseline so to speak that you can compare against. I'd love to go drug-free but like you I need to earn a living and stay married.

One thing I can tell you is that once you get the dosage right and settled in, you will feel immensely better. It's not a cure of course - I'm still up and down but it's very different going up and down from a regular position of stability than just freewheeling.

Hope the psych appointment goes well today mate.

Love to all

Kaz

xxxxx

Hi Kaz,

Youre very welcome.

Glad to be of assistance...anytime!

Take all the time you need with the 'weeding'...get 'em all out!

MuchLove&Support

Morning all,

Hoping that the weed pulling is going well Kaz :) thinking of you! And hello all others and the rest of the web :)

What a difference a day or two makes. Yesterday I felt a kind of control and calm I haven't felt in a long while.... or can't remember when. Everything (ie my mind) has slowed down. The hamster on the wheel in my head has reduced to a nice stroll, and isn't going 100 miles an hour!

So I then went to the psychologist, and she was thrilled. So much so, that after asking me a bunch of questions, and finding a very different response, probably both in physical appearance/behaviour and the content of my verbal response, that she recommended not to make a follow up appointment! She pushed me to follow-through on some relationship counselling with my wife, and that she was happy I was heading towards stable, and needed to now move on to repairing my marriage. She also explained that the last few weeks was more about keeping an eye on me, trying to decide whether to hospitalise me, rather than actually treat me as such. So it was a little sad/confusing after I left.... she said that she was there if I needed anything, but I feel a little cut loose... going from being annoyed at all the doctor visits and how much it all cost, and time it takes... today I'm feeling a little alone.

I have a psychiatrist appt in 3 weeks, so is that who I am primarily working with? Is that who now helps me to not just give me my medication, but help adjust my life/skills/etc to cope/manage/love with bipolar? I've read articles on mood diaries, mindfulness, understanding triggers, managing stress, etc... what do I need to do?

Where's the roadmap, what's next....

confused but medicated Mallow.....

Hiya Mallow - how are you today mate?

I understand why you might feel a bit adrift after your psych appointment. At least you know she's ethical and not just after fees.

As for what's next, I think that will become apparent. Just live day to day, take notice of how you're feeling and especially notice what triggers you. I kept a mood diary for a few weeks - nothing extensive, just 'up', 'steady', 'down', 'really down' etc - so I could track patterns. When I started on medication I was pretty much on a weekly cycle and by the time I stopped the mood diary I was steady most of the time.

I think managing stress is really important. Maybe try and build some times into your day to consciously relax and be calm. I haven't really got the hang of mindfulness - I only seem to remember I should practice it when my head hamster is full tilt and I have absolutely no chance haha. I used to find just closing my door, and closing my eyes for a short time helpful during the day. Listening to calming music helps me too.

I guess one way at look at this stage Mallow is that you're not on your own - you have your doc, family and us - but you are now at a point where you need to manage things yourself and try to make them work for you.

Once we're stable we all have different things we need to focus on (anger for me, perhaps relationship things for you). But we can, and we do. I am so glad to hear things have slowed for you and you're feeling more in control. It's nice when that happens. 😄

Cheers mate.

Kaz

***Sorry, dont mean to interrupt but - Head Hamster - that just made me laugh!***

Thanks for that, Kaz!

MuchLove&Laughter

We have to give MallowPuff credit for that one Kaitoa - it's a beauty eh? Absolutely perfect description of a racing, hypomanic mind.

So Mallow my mate, you have contributed to the nomenclature of bipolar. Well done. 😄 And I intend to borrow it as if it were your pen.

xx

...hide your pens...

The FETH-Meister is about!

hehehe ... so many pens, so few hands for them to FETH into. Sigh.

Kaz,

Your plight with the job really peeved me.

Both of my siblings lived in Canberra for over a decade and the younger one in particular still knows a lot of people down there. One mate that comes to mind is very successful in the not for profit sector and I will ask her if she has any full sick connex to any community based alcohol rehabilitation services or the like, where you're lovely self could shine with all of your direct lived experience and intelligence.

I don't know what the employment situation is like down there at the moment, and if it is as appalling as other non-major city centres, but it will not hurt me to ask the question.

So I will do just that and ask!

Oh Corny, you are a sweetheart! Thank you, that's very kind, and I'll never say no to a lead of course! Alcohol rehab is definitely an area I'd like to work in, and addiction treatment and recovery will be included in the studies I'll do next year.

Cheers possum, and big hugs.

xx

How are my bipolar buddies?

Mallow I hope you haven't melted into mush-mallow in the heat. How's things?

Len are you OK mate?

And other buddies and friends - hiya!

I'm mostly good at the moment, though I had a lost day today. Not depressed, not even flat, but no energy, fuzzy head and lots of CBA (can't be arsed). I have these days now and then - don't know if I'm just lazy or if the medications zap me out sometimes.

Do you have days like this when there's nothing wrong but nothing really right either?

Hugs guys

Kaz

Big Hugs Kaz!

I find that CBA sneaks up on me, when I least expect it.

I'm having a complete CBA moment, right now, TBH.

I've just scoffed 1/2 litre of Candy Cane Ice cream.

...and, I'm still scoffing!.

CBA <- I like it!

MuchLove

Kaitoa

Ooohhh, I like ice cream! Never had candy cane kind though ... must seek it out. I had a creme caramel tonight. After a sanger for dinner because I CBA cooking. Glad I'm not the only one Kaitoa. And it doesn't cause any harm eh? See, maybe I'm improving. There was a time I'd have been very hard on myself after a day doing nothing.

Actually, I did do something! I read more of a book I'm wading through - Change your thinking, by Dr Sarah Edelman. Very good and readable CBT textbook - looong though.

Cheers gorgeous

Kaz

Dear Kaz,

I completely agree.

I used to 'punish' myself in some way, for doing 'nothing' too.

What I've come to remember is that these 'disorders' etc, that we have lived with, for however long we have lived with them...some of us, all our life...they take a lot out of us.

Somedays, I'm so whacked out and flat.

I wish, I wish, I wish...I wasn't like that, because I'm also very ambitious, but I've had to come to accept that this 'healing process', looks different on all of us, and that process needs whatever 'time' and 'space' that it needs to do it's thing!.

Somedays, I feel like I can barely move.

Other days, I'm off like a rocket.

There is light and goodness in both sides, right?

But, these diagnosis's, and 'disorders', and 'labels', can be so exhausting some days.

Holistically exhausting.

I totally relate to CBA.

It's just about making your life, work for you, in the best possible way.

With whatever cards you've been dealt.

Make the most of that hand.

We've all done so well with what we've been dealt!.

This is why it's wise to have our 'practise' in place, whatever that is for you.

Seeing a psych or therapist once a week, practising mindfulness every other day, eating well (without being obsessive), having loving connections with family and friends and community etc...this can all be part of one's practise, after all the CBA is done.

I've come to recognise that I have to have some form of routine in my life.

It's really good for me, otherwise, I just get too distracted too easily.

I have studies to finish.

I have books to write.

I have a man to marry!.

But, one must remember that whatever it is that we have lived with, the 'disorders' etc, also need some our our time as well.

That's why including "doing nothing", and CBA is a great addition to one's practise!.

So thanks for that, Kaz!

Instead of Nikes "Do It!" ad, ours will be - "Do Nothing" brought to you by CBA!.

I'll look up that book, sounds good!.

MuchLove

Kaitoa

HI everyone
I myself do not have bipolar, but my mum and brother both do. Actually I have quiet a strong family history of bipolar on my mums side. Her sister has it, my grandmother and maybe even before that. Both my aunty and grandmother suffered from alcoholism, my aunty recovered, my grandmother didn't.

I am here because I was wondering what hypomania is? I have read up on it, but I am having trouble understanding the difference between hypomania and mania. I know mania is more up, but I am still struggling to get it (maybe an example may help). I am always worried I will develop bipolar, or whether it is something you always have. Maybe its like a switch. I have GAD and I remember having it as a child but I assume it is possible to get signs and symptoms of bipolar later in life. I worry that my pressure of speach and fast thoughts could be a hypomania or if it could be anxiety? I was told I had ADHD when I was a kid, but again that could have been anxiety misdiagnosed. Its hard to tell, but all I know is I did not respond well to ADHD medication as a kid and I turned into a zombie so never would consider taking that again. I feel my moods go up and down and sometimes I feel excited over silly things, but I don't know if this is normal or not. I wouldn't say I am ever completely manic (I've seen manic in my mum) and I'm probably over exaggerating my moods a lot. I also have terrible PMS (yes diagnosed by a dr) so I do notice it does correspond with that a little. I don't know. I am just worrying for the sake of worrying I guess. Stupid anxiety does this to me sometimes. I feel anxious about my family history sometimes and think I'm doomed.

Hope everyone is well.

Hi MsPurple, welcome!

Even though hypomania and mania are often used interchangeably, in clinical terms, from what I understand, there is a real difference. Mania is most commonly a symptom of bipolar disorder type 1, the more severe condition, and is differentiated from hypo and bipolar 2, by the pressence of delusions, losing touch with reality and hallucinations - psychotic states. At this stage people often need hospitalisation. People with bipolar 1 experience the symptoms of hypomania too, which can escalate into mania and psychosis.

Hypomania can manifest in some or all of these - highly elevated mood, very high energy and activity, increased risk taking, a tendency to addiction, racing mind, periods of sleeplessness, unrealistic ideas or plans, difficulty concentrating or focussing, overspending, also talking very fast and incessantly.

In some people too it can take the form of explosive anger, fixating on someone or something that has upset you, rage and tears that are disproportionate to the event that set them off.

A lot of people know when they're getting hypo, they can feel it building. Your mind becomes kind of fractured and you can't concentrate. It gets busy, racing with impulses to 'play' or talk incessantly. That's a good hypo. For me at least, a bad hypo can come on suddenly, sparked by anger.

According to the Black Dog Institute there is a 10 percent chance that a child of a bipolar parent will also have bipolar. So there's a 90 percent chance you won't. That said, it is genetic and does seem to run in families.

Can it develop later in life? Yes. At least it is not uncommon for it to be diagnosed later in life, often after years of being treated for something else, most commonly depression. (After all, we are more likely to go to the doctor when we're depressed than when we're feeling unusually up). And it's common for it to be masked by things like addictions (in my case alcoholism).

Recent theories also suggest that people who have a genetic predisposition might go through life quite normally until it is 'triggered' by a highly stressful event. And a series of stressful events can 'develop' it.

The good news hun is that despite your history, there's every chance you won't develop it. But if you do, it is very treatable with appropriate medication, and good self-care. Talking therapy with a psych that understands bipolar also helps you develop strategies to cope with episodes.

Hope that helps

Cheers

Kaz

Hello Kazz,

supposed to be Summer and I've the heater on and it's raining and ever so windy out there. I do so hate the wind. Hope it's better in your neck of the woods. I'm having a bit of CBA myself. Couple of very early nights and a bit of self medication. Taking the break I need I guess. I try and ride my bike at least twice a week or walk the dog or do something physical most days. Still not eating red meat, potatoes and bread which is starting to reflect on the scales.One more week of Dbt then it's the Xmas break. I've managed to attend all 12 weekly sessions and my one on ones so that's a big tick for me.

Kazz that sounds like interesting reading I must admit I struggle with the stuff I get with my course but I continue to learn and it's helping. How are those new shoes going.?Doing anymore retail theraphy? I've a harmonica on the bench gathering dust lol. One day I will get back into it. Gees I hope this weather warms up and we have some consistent warm to hot days. Nothing to drastic . I'd be happy for run of endless mid twenties and no wind, sheer bliss with the sun on your back as you potter around.

Kazz it's good to see you being kind to yourself after a day of doing very little. I too used to beat myself after such a day. I'm learning to be kind to myself, finding the middle ground and not going to the extremes. I still have my days, sometimes a run of them when I've been slammed but thankfully not as often. I hope you are having a good one my friend,

hugs Len

Morning all.....

still about and certainly not melting down here in Melbourne with some left over weird spring. Certainly not summer here yet!

lovely to see you cheery Kaz, and for a regular high achiever, always busy, CBA can be both a great relief and a torture at the same time! Think of the white rabbit, always flustered and needing to be somewhere/doing something.

But I have some of my own progress.... and in many good ways. Has been a couple of weeks on mood stabilisers, and it has been so different. I am now semi productive at work, I am not a scared little puppy inside, with a big strong (draining) mask out front. The hamster and I have made friends, and I am able to read books again, or at least a few pages before distraction hits :)

My family have commented that I have been happy :) heck I thought as a hypo I was happy, but more scared, nervous, weird happy I think.

Ms purple, as a newly diagnosed and medicated Bipolar Bunny, with no family history, expect for past medicated depression, hypermania in me is racing thoughts, little sleep (ie 4 hours a night), running 60+ kms a week, roller coaster emotions,racing mind (I thought that was just normal me) off/on irritability, being over exuberant at social events (ie embarrassing, no alcohol required), and the little spoken about hypersexuality...

one theory on me is medical induced issues, as I've been on all sorts of nasty meds since 25 for a chronic condition, including nasty stuff used in chemo.

I am still not totally convinced of my diagnosis lol, still coming back to that river in Africa, but the medication has been magic.

Also although DSM IV and V are quite specific on point of diagnosis,from my reading it really does seem to be a broad spectrum, which manifests itself differently in everyone. For me, much of my teen years look to be a mild, productive hypermania. It's just when it goes past a threshold and becomes an issue, and for me, I guess one I lost control of (I thought I was in full control! )

But welcome to the chat Purple...

Len, dust off that harmonica for Christmas :) I've got a couple of guitars I need to dust off and get back to learning guitar... truthfully, I have 6 guitars and two amps... but can only play a few chords poorly... one of my phases a couple of years ago :) (see analysing everything now!)

happy Friday all

Oohhh goody! My fellas are back! Hiya Len and Mallow, and Kaitoa of course - you are always welcome here my friend.

It's helpful to know that CBA is a common thing haha. And I agree with Kaitoa that with all we've been through and go through, no wonder we sometimes CBA. In fact, I think we should take an executive decision that doing nothing occasionally is a valid form of therapy. Hey, there's an idea for a book!

Len it sounds like you're doing good stuff for yourself mate. Sorry to hear the sun's a bit elusive. We've finally got proper sunshine and heat here and, like you, I love the feel of it on my skin. My war on weeds continues but I'm finally winning. Hubby's been building a path, walls and garden beds so soon I will get to do what he calls 'proper lady gardening' and plant. Can't wait!

Mallow I'm so glad to hear the drugs are working for you. Isn't it a relief when they kick in! Take care though, it's easy when you start feeling so much better and normal to think there's nothing really wrong and decide you don't need them. Aparently a lot of us do that ... and end up suicidal or in hospital or such. (I did that with antidepressants once ... very bad idea.)

So, between us we have one harmonica, nine guitars (I have three, with one amp) and two ukuleles, and I sing. We need a drummer and a bass player. Kaitoa, I know you sing too, do you play? MsPurple?

Guess we need a song or two as well .... suggestions?

I'll ponder this while I pull out more weeds. Great to see you guys. Take care and enjoy yourselves.

Kaz

xxxx

Kaitoa, just read your post again. I think you're spot on. Living with a disorder is exhausting, and people who don't live with a disorder don't understand that. And even we forget sometimes.

I have jokingly said I could sleep for Australia, and I know I'm extremely fortunate that I can sleep, I only have trouble if the head hamster is full tilt, or if I'm really distressed.

My doctor always tells me to not sleep too much, especially during the day, but I find it healing, especially if I'm depressed. It feels like it gives my mind time to work on stuff without me having to get involved. And anyways, it's nice. An upside of being unemployed. 😄

Cheers

Kaz

xxx