Well done on reaching out. It's hard to be connected with a church when they don't really understand (or try to).
The below is a reflection of my own personal experience, and may not reflect yours so apologies of I'm off on the wrong track! Please disregard what is irrelevant or uninteresting!
We had a similar issue as a family and have also struggled to find friends.
I hoped the people at my church would understand our predicament (we were in a cult prior). I realised they have very little experience outside the church and had actually led rather sheltered lives. The reality was I think they didn't know what to do with me, because I was stuck between moving out of a cult, trying to adopt their theology, while also not trusting the institution. They didn't know how to talk to me, because they couldn't relate, and I can't blame them for that.
I was excluded from events too and I'm still not sure why. I always tried to be inclusive, happy, caring and fun. I just don't think their experiences and ours really gelled.
I found the manipulation to be suffocating, and detrimental to my own mental health. I've since left that church and have found it difficult to find another. I think my trust has gone, but still haven't given up faith!
One thing that worked for me during this was finding hobbies, crafts, local community centres, sports and friendship outside of church. While some are not particularly close friends, there is the ability to hang out with them and they actually seek to enjoy my company. I only have a couple of people I have D&Ms with, and they are really family. I have one hobby which is a place to go and have fun with people I normally wouldn't and the other is for my career development (while still gaining friendships).
Looking back I wonder if I expected too much from them, when really multiple networks can work together to fill all my needs.
There is definitely hope out there. It just may take a while to find a place you feel you truly belong. I'm sure you and your wife find a place/s that accepts and cherished you for who you are.