When I thought the single parenthood will only impact on young children, I’m totally wrong when my Mom keep giving me stress on my growth and new established family. My Mom is a very good mom, after the divorce with my father, she raised up me alone and send me to overseas to study. I’m a lucky child because though my parents have been divorced, they did that peacefully, both of them still love me and support me emotionally and financially. However, my mom loves to give comment on my life plan, marriage and the way of raising up my own child. She is always anxious especially after menopause (she’s been diagnosed with psychasthenia and anxiety) She does not allow my father to visit me with his new wife. She is not happy with my husband. And she is angry with me about the way I raising up my own child. I tried my best not to quarrel with her as it will hurt her feeling, after all she is my mom and I know the reason that she become unhappy and negative about things is because she has been alone for so many years that she is lack of love and safety. But if I do not do as she commend she will threat me with cutting off her relationship with me. Now I have just given birth of my baby girl, my father and his wife want to visit us, my mom is so angry to hear about this and thread me again that if they stay with me she will cut off her relationship with me. I am very stressful after given birth and this thing driving me even more crazy that sometimes I cry with no reason. What shall I do? I don’t want to hurt both my mom and father’s feeling as both of them loves me so much.

Gillian,

Welcome to the forum. Thanks for sharing your story. This is a safe, friendly, nonjudgmental and caring place.

You are a very caring and compassionate daughter but now you are a mother and a wife, so you have several roles. Your mother maybe worried that if you see your father you may stop seeing her. She may be scared of losing your love so she threatened not so see you.

Is it possible to reassure ear that you will see her and be there for her, but you need your dad too.

You need to look after yourself as you have just give birth and being stressed is not good for or your baby.

Is it possible for your dad to visit you without staying wth you?

You are very understanding about why your mum behaves as she does.

I am sure your mum is proud of you and wants the best for you and her grandchild but she is afraid she will be all alone.

If you look around the different topics you may find subjects that interest you.

Feel free to post here when you want to.

Enjoy your baby ,and congratulations.

Quirky

Hi Quirky,
Thank you for your prompt reply. If not talk here, I don’t know who could help me out of this situation. I will definitely consider your advice, but the thing is a bit messed up now and I am so lost and feeling guilty in this situation. My father and his wife are from overseas, and this is the first time they visit the newborn baby, both of them love us so much, i supposed to welcome them to visit me and my baby with a grateful heart. They were stayed with me for few days and then my mother find out the situation and sent out messages to me, my father and husband to express her anger. If I send my father out of my house, I’m afraid this will hurt his feeling, after all, he did nothing wrong. To be honest, he even cared about my mother so much even after their divorce, my father is a man and ex-husband with responsibility. Both of my parents are in their early 60s, they are not as strong and healthy as before, and I know that we are stay in different countries makes every visit count, not much time left to enjoy the family time with either of them. I have assured my mother that my love won’t decrease or change because of the visit from my father. And I’m settling her to be near my house in order to take care of her, and she will be stay near us from next year. But she refused to hear all these explanation and told me that she is very disappointing with me that she is no more my mother. Do you think because of her anxiety and unhealthy mental decease, she cannot understand what I’m talking about and feeling even more lonely than mental healthy people? Do you have any idea on how to commmunicate with her efficiently, especially when I’m suffering from after pregnancy blue that I do lost my temper unconsciously. I hate this feeling that I feel guilty to my parent when I stay or contact with another side. I hate myself of not making them happy and afraid that their health will get worse by not satisfying.

Hi Quirky,
Thank you for your prompt reply. I will consider your advice. The thing is a bit messed up and I am so lost in this situation. My father and his wife are from overseas, and this is the first time they visit the newborn baby, both of them love us so much, i supposed to welcome them to visit me and my baby with a grateful heart. They were stayed with me for few days and then my mother find out the situation and sent out messages to me, my father and husband to express her anger. If I send my father out of my house, I’m afraid this will hurt his feeling, after all, he did nothing wrong.Both of my parents are in their early 60s, they are not as strong and healthy as before, and I know that we are stay in different countries makes every visit count, not much time left to enjoy the family time with either of them. I have assured my mother that my love won’t decrease or change because of the visit from my father. And I’m settling her to be near my house in order to take care of her, and she will be stay near us since next year. But she refused to hear all these explanation and told me that she is very disappointing with me that she is no more my mother. Do you think because of her anxiety and unhealthy mental decease, she cannot understand what I’m talking about and feeling even more lonely than mental healthy people? Do you have any idea on how to commmunicate with her efficiently, especially when I’m suffering from after pregnancy blue that I do lost my temper unconsciously. I hate this feeling that I feel guilty to my parent when I stay or contact with another side. And I’m afraid their health situation will be worse when not happy and satisfying.

Dear Gillian01,

First of all, congratulations on your newborn baby! What a lovely and joyous time this must be for you and all the people in your life! One of the hardest things we have to do as adults and when we form our own relationships is 'cut the umbilical cord' with our own parents and redefine our relationship not on the basis of parent/child but on the basis of two equal adults. This is especially true when we become parents. The dynamics change and so they should! This is seldom an easy process but it is a 'process' and it takes time. Single parents have an even harder time to let go as for years all the effort and concentration in their lives was toward raising their child/dren and once they leave the nest, they may not have anyone else to direct their attention and affection. Indeed, there is a special bond between single parents and their children who often 'replace' emotionally the missing partner. It's good that you acknowledge that your mom has done so much for you and loves you. And it's also good that you love both your parents despite their own issues in their failed marriage and their current partner (in the case of your father). However, love is never an excuse for manipulation and threats and no parent should be putting their child in the predicament where they have to choose between them or the other parent. Your father has a right to visit and be part of the celebrations of this newborn and share your joy like your mother does. You are the mother now and you can decide what you like and don't like in your own home. And everyone must respect this if they want to be part of your beautiful family and life. Also, your husband of course should have a say in this and his feelings are equally important. Years ago when I got married I had to do the same with my own mother who was intervening and dictating our life. Parents need to be educated too and there are times when their teacher is their adult child. Family counselling and parents groups could provide support in this delicate situation but ultimately you and your husband will decide what you want and don't want in your marriage and your family and your home and others will have to learn to listen and respect your wishes. The fact that someone has a mental illness doesn't give them the right to destroy other people's relationships or control them. It could also be worthwhile to find some information about your mother's condition and what kind of supports she could access to help her. X