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Forums / Multicultural experiences / Ignorance is bliss

Topic: Ignorance is bliss

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Rammit
    Rammit avatar
    2 posts
    14 February 2018

    Salutations to my fellow unacquainted friends. I understand we all live in some sort of state of despair and we all attempt to help eachother, here I am today, beseeching you to assist my emptiness, my pain and suffering.

    I have Asian parents, parents who lived their life in a whole different learning environment, differing from the Australian curriculum. I for one, being commendable for their endurance, but the worst part is their lack of emotions they possess - making them less understandable of their children; me. They expect great fruition eversince they sent me to a private school, however, I understood their principles and decided to follow their steps. It didn't work out well, as I wasn't born a prodigy, no talents, nothing whatsoever. As a normal human being, I tried my hardest to earn the scores to their satisfaction, real hard, the effort was at its max. But the final realisation- the scores didn't reflect well on my parents, so I tried harder and harder until I was drained of motivation. I'm getting satisfactory levels, and I'm sure you are all squabbling about, "Some people are a lot worse than you," but that's not the point, because for a fact, I know their parents don't even care - being almost carefree, whilst I am always under dictation of my parents. They never really saw how much effort I put in, so now I stop attending school as I can no longer muster enough energy to go. It's a shame my school really looks at us as we are pawns for the bigger game, they informed my parents that I school concede my education as no certification of illness was found, yet, to them "depression" is not an illness. I had a talk with my mum, saying the pressure was immense and all the misdeeds you have done has caused my well being to deteriorate, and I thought they understood but they did not.

    On the other hand, my sister had a sufficient amount of talents, scoring an ATAR of 92 - for them it was trash. And now they are wagering me to get a better score. Studying hard is one thing but doing that whilst being depressed is going to be difficult.

    Going to school is a life long commitment and it's prevalent for people to lose their motivation, but I chose to stand my ground, I believe suicide is not the answer but that belief is slowly drifting away into the abyss. You people are now the foundation of my core, the people whom I can relate to. It is an honour to meet brave people who can voice their worries. Now, I feel a chunk of burden has been lifted off my back.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Rammit
    Rammit avatar
    2 posts
    14 February 2018
    For your information, I did not come from a wealthy family. My parents work, day and night, to fuel my education. I was doing fine just until I reached year 11, this year. My father was scammed a huge sum of money which is currently affecting us quite severely. He will need to appear in the magistrate's court for a trial as he cannot pay his debt. My brother in law has less than a year to live, the sad thing is that he is being dragged down by my father's debt.
    2 people found this helpful
  3. quirkywords
    Community Champion
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    quirkywords avatar
    14701 posts
    27 February 2018 in reply to Rammit

    Rammit,

    welcome to the forums. I am sorry it has taken so long to reply to your posts.

    Thanks for having the courage to post and let us know about your experiences.

    You have a lot of insight in your life and sound like a clever person.

    Parents can put pressure on their children when they work hard and want the best for them.

    Your father is having lots of problems and that would affect you too.

    That is hard when people don't understand that depression is like any other illness.

    You are very caring and supportive to your parents.

    Feel free to post when you feel like it.

    Quirky

    2 people found this helpful
  4. james1
    Multicultural Correspondent
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    james1 avatar
    3061 posts
    27 February 2018 in reply to Rammit

    Hi Rammit,

    I am also from an Asian background (my parents are Chinese but i was born here), and when I was in school my parents were very similar to how yours are now. I am 25 or 26 (I genuinely don't remember :/) now and I can say that I've managed to put that distance between me and them. That is not to say we are unfriendly, but simply that they cannot put that kind of pressure on me anymore.

    As you say, it is very difficult to study when you have that kind of pressure. Let alone to generally do things. My parents would berate me for being bad at sport, being bad at music, and just tell me I should quit and stop wasting their money and time which they worked so hard for.

    I don't really have any advice because I think every family is different, but it sounds like you have tried talking to your mum about this but it didn't seem to work in the end.

    Would you be comfortable telling us what you mean when you said you thought they understood but it doesn't seem like that is the case?

    James

    3 people found this helpful
  5. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    11068 posts
    28 February 2018 in reply to Rammit

    Dear Rammit~

    To want the best for ones children is natural. Love, duty, honor and obligation are desirable things. They are however two-way. For a child to feel love for and obey parents' wishes is a fine thing. The catch is that the parent's wishes cannot be blind. They to have to recognize the child's wishes and abilities too.

    Too many parents take the attitude that firstly they always know best and secondly if they have worked long and hard they have amassed a moral debt a child must pay in full. They present this as being for the child's own good. The truth is while their intentions at the start to see a child in a better place might have been entirely correct, now as the child is growing he or she cannot be regarded simply as an instrument of their wishes. The child is a human being who as he or she matures has likes, dislikes, abilities and an increasing ability to judge. There has to be a balance.

    To simply say I worked hard therefor you must continue on with my wishes is to make the child a sort of indentured servant. I guess in some cases the child has the aptitude and desire to do this and all is well. Sadly in others there can be a complete mismatch. Expectations can be completely unrealistic.

    In such circumstances the child will feel out of place, maybe a failure, maybe not doing there duty. If this goes on long enough either rebellion or depression and anxiety can be the result.

    Love should make both parents and children want the best for each other, it should not take away the basic right to be seen as a human being.

    You have tried to go down the path your parents set, and have gone as far as you can even though your talents did not run in that direction. You are now faced with the result, depression and a need for it all to stop. It is time this pressure ceased.

    So may I ask if you have been to a doctor and set out everything you feel? Being depressed, feeling everything is pointless and with your beliefs drifting into the abyss you need proper competent and understanding support.

    Is there anyone in your life, perhaps your sister, who understands and with whom you can talk? You need the perspective to understand these are not your failings.

    I do hope you will talk more here

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Donte'
    Multicultural Correspondent
    • Foundation members of our Multicultural Experiences section
    • Greece
    • LGBTI
    Donte' avatar
    845 posts
    28 February 2018 in reply to Rammit

    Hello Rammit and welcome to the multicultural experiences forum.

    Lovely way of expressing yourself and a clear indication of a deep understanding of the issues that are impacting on your mental health.

    Yes, we are all in the same boat. And we are all sharing with and listening to each other as it sometimes help to clear our minds, work things out and assist in the process of developing strategies to cope with life's challenges.

    Many parents tend to project their dreams and aspirations on their children. Many live through their children or want to prove to their peers that they succeeded as parents by showing off their kids as trophies. It is terrible and soul destroying. That kind of pressure surely impacts negatively on children. Often parents are in unhappy marriages and they put all their attention on their children to compensate for the loss they feel with their partners. We see it all too often and in every culture.

    As a parent of a 22yo who didn't want to study and kept dropping out of every course, I sat down with her one day and asked her what she'd like to do. She didn't know really. She just had no interests, no friends, no passions. I reassured her that 85% of the jobs we will have by 2030 haven't been created yet (that's a fact), so I wouldn't worry too much about all that right now. We have a whole lifetime to learn, study (if we wish), work etc. I have changed careers on numerous times and currently I am in the process of transitioning into a new field, and I'm middle aged!

    After a few discussions she decided that she wanted to have money to go out, buy clothes, go holidays etc., so I encouraged her to find a job and forget about the studies for the time being.

    You gotta do what makes you happy, not what makes your parents or other people happy. Anyway. Cut the long story short, she's been working full time the last two years, commenced studying pharmacy, got a loan, bought a car, pays me rent and her bills and food expenses and has become a self-reliant adult that I am proud of. It's not about me. It's about her and her life only. And she's not my property. I never wanted a carbon copy of me with the same values or beliefs etc. so I never put any pressure on her to achieve or be or do something, as I always believed that she already IS something! She's herself and there's no one like her. And she's worth it! At the end of the day you gotta do what's right for you. It's your life. It's your journey. :)

    1 person found this helpful

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