Welcome to the forums and well down for navigating your way here.
It takes a lot of courage to talk about self harm and suicide, I commend you for taking this step to seek support. You will always find support here, there are many people here on the forums that will read your thoughts and answer you.
I am so sorry that it has been a difficult time for you in your early teenage years and this caused you to self harm. It can be very stressful and an anxious time to feel lost and worried about the future but have you tried to think of what positive things you would like to have or do to move forward?
You say that for the last five years you haven't self harmed, it sounds like things were going well for you and you may have had some good, positive experiences.
Do you have any stories of things that were going well with you in this time? If so, how did you feel?
Ann, I think it would be good for you to see your GP who may be able to help you with your anxiety and stopping the thoughts. Would you like to talk to someone at Beyondblue? You can call anytime on 1300 224636.
It could help to talk to your mum, regardless of how hard you think she is, mum's still love their children unconditionally and I am sure that she would want to know if you were struggling so that she can help you.
Please keep talking to us here so that we can keep supporting you.