As a former private investigator I could find her easily but if she doesn't want me to find her then I'd be stalking her against her will.
In my life I make my own rules. This is where parent often don't take control of their own lives. A relationship is a two way affair, not only the child. As you have been a good parent I'm certain your daughter will be one day wanting to return to your life. It's so easy as I did 2 years ago to say "ok darling, love to have you back". But not if nothing is resolved and that includes everything on a list you have prepared. The alternative for me, sadly, is not having her coming and going all my life. I'm 61yo now, I don't want this trauma to continue again and again. It has to stop.
How do we cope?. Not well as said. But we all have our own way. Mine is poetry. I write about anything I grieve about. eg
This was written in 1996 after I left the family home due to me being abused
Bucket of love
Getting pushed out and I really had to leave
it doesn't really matter much, that's what I believe
Either way I hold a bucket to catch my tears that fall
for each time you looked for me and you yelled your loudest call.
But as I am not around when you trip and graze your knee
I hold that bucket really tight till the day you cry to me.
That day will surely come when the floodgates open wide
and you rest your head on mine where the tears of hurt subside.
Then I put that bucket under to collect those painful drops
any that miss the mark, I'll collect with a licking mop.
Finally I'll empty it all onto a flower seed
and watch it bloom so bright from trauma to a deed.
I cant mend your little heart except to collect your tears
and give you all the love I have that you missed in your younger years.
Those times you fell over crying when your leg was crook
I couldn't pick you up and hold you...but I cried in Hammersbrook....
Hammersbrook is not a town, I replaced the real town. You get the therapy with writing be it poetry or just writing. Even a story about the events so that one day your daughter might read it could let it all out.
My niece also isn't in my life. She joined a sect at 14yo (talk about brainwashing) and at 18yo I bought her a car then gave her away at her wedding. Then one day she disapproved of a minor matter and she be gone mainly because I'm not part of the "movement".
So you can see why the barriers have to be erected, to care for ourselves...not just accept them back. Everything is conditional.