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Topic: Who am I?

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. Chelsea95
    Chelsea95 avatar
    3 posts
    19 October 2018

    My mother’s family is from the UK and my father who I have never met nor have any knowledge about is Cambodian.

    I find it extremely hard to answer questions about my family and heritage when people ask about my father as I no nothing about him. It make feel so embarrassed as if it’s my fault he is not in my life and I know people judge me for not knowing. I always get the comments ‘surely you know something’ or ‘what do you mean you don’t know him’ which makes it worse. Even as a young child I can still remember sitting in class and the whole class room telling me I have to be adopted because my mums white and I’m not, I never even questioned my appearance or where I came from until that day.

    As I grow up it tends to affect me more and more, not only personally but my relationships too.

    I don’t know how to deal with the embarrassment of not knowing where i come from. Or how to handle people’s racism towards me until they see my mother because she’s white

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Quercus
    Champion Alumni
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    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Quercus avatar
    3546 posts
    19 October 2018 in reply to Chelsea95

    Hi Chelsea95 and welcome to the forums.

    It must be incredibly difficult to have to try deal with cruel comments from others when you already feel upset about not knowing your full history for yourself. If I may ask what approaches have you tried when this happens?

    Recently I joined an ancestry website to try find information about my biological family (Mum is adopted and doesn't want to even think about it). I'm searching for medical history but you are right there are always questions about who we are. It is ok to want to know because whoever your Father is you've inherited his genetic material. It IS important information.

    I paid to have a DNA test. It took about a month and it showed me any members on the website who were related to me and how closely. There were relatives from Dad's tree... But then others I have no idea how I'm related to. One is very closely related (haven't worked out yet how) and she replied to my email.

    I knew I needed the confimation from her about my autoimmune condition being present in her family (and it is). But I was surprised at how much the ethnicity results affected me. I've always been asked by strangers where do I come from because I don't "seem Australian". I found out (along with the expected UK, Scotland and Ireland results from Dad's side) there was also Sweden and Germany which were unexpected.

    I felt good. Never realised how much it irritated me not knowing when people hinted I didn't quite fit in. But it did.

    I don't exactly know what my point is. Perhaps it is simply to validate your need to know. I understand it and relate to it.

    Is your Mum able to answer any of your questions? I do understand how hard it is to ask especially if they want to ignore and bury the issue.

    Hope you continue to write and find some support here.

    Kindest,

    Nat

    My pount

  3. Blue Elmo
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Blue Elmo avatar
    11 posts
    12 July 2020 in reply to Chelsea95

    Hi Chelsea !

    I hope you are doing well and feeling better about things friend :) There is nothing you should be ashamed of or feel embarrassed about and I am so sorry that people in your past treated you differently. It is nobodies business to pry and judge you about your family and background. Additionally, the racism and prejudice you have faced is so uncalled for and you deserve to be treated better than that. Stay strong friend.

    I personally believe that you can choose your family, and build and focus on those people who you love you, support you, and genuinely care for you. I understand its not the same thing as replacing your parents, but you are your own person with your own identity, and who that is becomes something you get to decide.

    Good luck, and I hope things get better for you

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