I'm a 37 year old mixed race male where unfortunately my mothers Philippine genes left a stronger mark on my looks than my white Dads genes did.

Theres a saying that 'we can't help what we are attracted to' and in my case that is white girls; those of English, Scottish and Irish descent. Blondes, redheads and blue eyes do it for me.

My misfortune with women has plagued me my entire life. No girlfriends through high school. I couldn't even get any of my female peers to partner up with me to do the Deb in year 10 or the year 11 formal or year 12 valedictory. I had to miss out or just go alone. I did hear that they all rejected me because apparently I would have spoilt the photos of their special night...I tend to agree now. I'd turn myself down if I could too lol. After high school I did TAFE for 4 years and same thing again; no interest in my whatsoever despite my attempts and advances.

I didn't kiss or hug my first girl until I was 33. We met at church. An unrewarding relationship stumbled along for 3 painful unrewarding years. We never had sex...I wanted to but she declined. Towards the end the kissing stopped as well because apparently I made her sick...glandular fever or something. So I'm still a virgin and a loser because of it.

I've had no luck at singles events, speed dating, online dating which I've spent a small fortune on. No one is interested or replies unless they are a scammer. I've lost money to that as well...perhaps I care to much.

I don't know what to do. It gets me down quite badly not being good enough for anyone. It gives me a headache every day of my life. My zest for life has dried up. The days where I don't have work it is a battle to even get out of bed.

This isn't how I imagined my life would turn out. I'm not a bad person and I haven't done anyone any wrong. But the nightmare is real. I don't see a way forward apart from undergoing plastic surgery which will be very expensive.

I've done the psychologists via the mental health care plan, antidepressant medication, hypnotism (didn't work but I went along with it because I felt bad for the practitioner), life coaching which was very expensive, love coaching in Melbourne, reading a lot of self help books and more. Does anyone suggest what I should do?

Thanks.

Hi AJH and it' great you found your way on here and made your first post and that took courage so welcome to the forums.This is a great place with non judgemental people on here.

I really understand how you feel about finding it so difficult to find and date woman.I was 30 before I dated my first girl.I didn't talk to any during high school or in TAFE.I didn't think I was good enough and that I was ugly and that girls didn't like me.I was a virgin to I was in my 30s and have 2 kids now.It was something I thought would never happen.Today everyone seems to meet online but that can be a bit of a minefield.Joining a club of something that you are intereted in can getting you meeting people.I want to say you are definitely not a loser and you sound like a really nice guy.I know you have tried different ways of meeting girls and you are not having much succss but you never know you might meet some one when you least expect to.I did.

Take care,

Mark.

Hi AJH,

I'm really glad that you posted because you are definitely not alone in how you feel. Finding someone to date can be so challenging, even at the best of times! I know many people personally who I'm friends with who haven't had a boyfriend before or dated and they are close to 30. Have you tried any hobby groups for people who are likeminded? Sometimes meeting someone while doing an activity you like can be an organic way of meeting someone i.e. video games, martial arts, art, etc.

We're here for you!

Hi, welcome

If you don't like your own personality how can someone else?

The fact is a happy joyous personality attracts everyone. I don't believe your Filipino appearance has anything to do with it. I've seen the most unattractive guys get the most gorgeous of ladies.

We can't change our personalities but we can loosen up a bit and open up with ourselves to be more , well, more of a chatterbox. People enjoy talkers especially those that ask them questions about their life- that's the key- show interest and don't talk about yourself unless asked.

My daughter married a great guy she met online. Don't give up and use just one online service.

TonyWK

Hello!

I just have a quick story for you. Last week I was sitting in the park before work enjoying the view, and a young man passed by and gave me "the nod" of respect and a quick smile. The kind of acknowledgement that says, I see you, we have similarity of experience, I am not a threat. It's an acknowledgement that occurs between non-white people (when you feel like a minority) that utterly warms the heart and tends to pop up out of the blue when you least expect it. I gave him my best grin and said "Hello!" because I was delighted by encountering a friendly stranger.

This young man was born in the Philippines and adopted as a child into a white family. They were great, but he still has a lot of trouble connecting properly and finding his own place in life where he is comfortable and secure. I know these things because he after a few steps he turned around and came to sit down beside me, with a some random explanation as to why he was sitting there. But I think in hindsight it was obvious why he was drawn to me. I do the same thing occasionally and have met some fantastic people this way. Real moments. I am quite a bit older so there was no "relationship" expectation, but the connection was amazing.

We had a very honest and deep conversation about our experiences and traded a few tips for coping. In this moment, neither of us were able to maintain our sense of "otherness", we were far more focussed on how to navigate and enjoy the lives we are both so grateful to have.

I think, to find your people, you need to get on with being ok with who you are, and don't be afraid to approach those you are drawn to. Not to seek something, but in mutual reciprocity, sharing of experience. I don't know about white ladies, they are hard work for me as a straight black female who would only seek friendship with them. I do know there is a multitude of gorgeous delightful people in all colors, shapes and sizes. Take an extra step for the ones that make you feel like being yourself is not only ok, it's a requirement. You might find someone like that who you happen to walk past every day.

I suppose I am reiterating other posters in saying that your perspective of yourself, if it feels limiting, just let it go. Be your own cheerleader if you can, and consider who you are trying to attract, how and whether your current approach is sustainable or could do with a bit of freshness and joy.

Warm regards,
Robyn

Hi AJH. How are things going for you at the moment?

What sort of things do you enjoy doing? Fishing? Board games? Sport? Are there any groups or social outings you could attend?

Things that happened to me at high school and earlier can have an negative effect on us. or so my experience tells me. I am guess that knock backs would reinforce the comments you received at high school.

May I also ask where does emotional and intellectual connection fit in? At one time I would likely to have had a similar selection criteria and yet the person that became my GF and then wife looks totally different.

Heyy buddy. One thing to remember. No every one hates you. There will be some who like you. If some girl doesn't like you because of your skin colour or ancestry, doesn't matter. Perhaps, someone else will do the same to her. But try to forget it. Stay strong.

Hello again, buddy. I just forgot to add. You have stated that you wanted to have sex with this girl from church. Probably not the best thing to do, she could be religious. It's best not to make the other person do something they don't want to do. Wish you all the best in life!

What you're attracted to isn't what you'll necessarily wed. Sometimes what you don't want is what you end up choosing! :-D

A White female close friend of mine wasn't interested in marrying, especially not a Taiwanese guy, despite loving the country, the culture, the food, & having lots of Taiwanese friends. To my unending amusement she eventually wed one. He declared his interest - completely blindsiding her as he didn't fit her 'husband list' (it was more an I don't want XYZ list). They were good friends & had been for some time, but she'd never thought of him as more than that, & it forced her to do some serious thinking.

So how's that relevant? If you're hunting for a girl then you might be scaring them off. Instead look for female friends & see where things progress. If you & they have mutual interests then irrespective of whether the relationship progresses to courting, you already have a relationship to enjoy.

As regards virgin, don't be ashamed - be proud of it!!! The fact is it doesn't take effort to lose your virginity with sex being a 'service' you can lawfully purchase, TV pushing the myth that 'everybody is doing it,' & so many folk acting like animals in heat because it feels good in the moment or peer pressure. Once you lose your virginity you can never get it back. I'm not sure what your church teaches, but celibacy until marriage is the norm for those based on Biblical teaching. They may also emphasise that your virginity is a gift you should reserve for your wife, & she for you. (That's obviously not always possible). On that note, have you ever considered discussing some of your struggles with your pastor or priest? You definitely aren't alone, & there's a good chance there will be others in a similar situation at your church.

Regarding not hugging or kissing girls until age 33, so what? Some guys will never lay a hand on a girl - at least not in that fashion. Of those, some are content to never marry, others would like to but likely can't for assorted personal reasons. (In my own case I was hugged once by a girl in high school but I'm not a naturally tactile person so my physical contact is limited).

At the end of the day you mustn't judge yourself on the basis of whether you're good enough for anyone. That's setting yourself up for trouble. You're making their judgement the basis of your self worth, & that's dangerous.

To summarise - stop worrying about what you might be missing out on, instead focus on enjoying what you have