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conflicted

Kara01
Community Member

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

211 Replies 211

Kara01
Community Member

Good morning Jo & Lillylane.

I have made a very big decision this week I have decided that I will no longer be identifying as my old male self anymore. I will still need to present in public for awhile as my former male self but from now on I only identify as Kara to everyone I know in our community.

I have recently met a wonderful trans woman who reached out to me after reading some comments I posted in a group that I am a member of about needing to meet with other trans women.

She made contact with me and we spent 3 hours on the phone talking about everything that I have to look forward to as I transition, but she also explained in detail all of the difficulties I would face.

We now talk daily about all of the day to day conflicts that I am dealing with while wait for my first appointments to begin.

She runs a group that get together every month where she and other trans women meet up and talk about anything that they feel like, she wants me to be a part of her group.

This week she put me in contact with a beautiful cross dresser who helps trans women find their style by taking them shopping for clothes etc he is even helping me out with my first wig.

When we agreed to meet up he arranged for me to meet the most wonderful trans woman I have meet she is based in WA and does corporate training and seminars about diversity and inclusion in the work place.

The way she embraced me and spoke with me gave me so much joy we spent 6 hours together talking sharing experiences that were very personal. I was disappointed when we had to wrap things up because it was 10 o'clock and she had a seminar the next morning before flying back to WA. The best news is that she we have now become friends and will be keeping in contact as she regularly flies to Adelaide with work.

Unfortunately things aren't good at home I have just about come to the conclusion that there wont be a future of any kind because a few harsh words have been exchanged and I am being told that I am being selfish for making it all about my happiness and not caring about what it's doing to others that are affected.

You both have read all of my posts and know that's not true, every step of the way I have talked about nothing else but worrying how much it would hurt my family. I am over it I will be supportive helpful and still talk with her but not loosing any sleep over it as it's her choice I am trying as hard as I can to navigate through this but once again no support from family.

Kara

Jo8049
Community Member

Hi Kara , still here with you . A very active emotional rollercoaster now . I get that , remember "as much good rest as possible " . This journey can be so very exhausting .

One strategy I developed , to survive my childhood and it has helped me so much and to survive , " the glass must always be half full " ( never let it be half empty . )

Another strategy from mid 40's to this day is " procrastination " ! If not sure put a decision off as long as possible . ( works very well for me ! Used to jump in boots and all before . Mostly better result if let the dust settle )

Our journeys differ in that I have had a solitary life with few close people in it . Much simpler in many ways I think . Was my lot rather than decision .

Take care , enjoy the ride and lots of rest , lol Jo&LD

Lillylane
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Kara and Jo,

Kara, it’s brilliant to hear about the trans woman you’ve met doing seminars and training in diversity and inclusion. Please, please ask her to come to Qld! 🙂

I actually have some news about my partner. She’s been very nervous about coming out to her boss. So she contacted the free confidential counselling service (her work provides).

When it comes time to meet with and tell the boss, the counsellor suggested that my partner bring the HR diversity officer with her to the meeting.

I think it’s a great idea and my partner feels less vulnerable about it now. She knows and trusts the diversity officer well.

I’m sorry Kara, to hear it’s been tense at home. It’s a lot of added stress and I wish family was easier to deal with.

Thanks Jo for your insight and wonderful caring advice!

love to you both,

Lillylane

Kara01
Community Member

Hi Jo and Lillylane, it's been a hell of the a week lots of highs and lows. Still think I came out in front for a change no matter what happened at home. I now will build a better support network from within the community I am now a part of. No judgement just support and love and heaps of compassion as all of the women I have brought into my life are fully transitioned or working towards it.

Lillylane I will ask Alyce what regions she works in as I know she does SA, WA & NT.

Lillylane I am so happy for both you and your partner that she has that level of support when she presents at work for the first time. I have the same level of fear and I don't know if Shine provide anything like that. I might have to reach out to my group and see what their advice is as all of them have full time jobs from many different fields.

Last night was very hurtful because my wife said things I never expected to hear from her, last night I felt like she hated me for everything I have done and that cuts deep.

She made me feel my life was worth nothing.

I have reflected on everything and I know that's not correct I can't make her come along, if she wants to she will.

I felt that last night any love that may have existed went out the window.

Sorry about this but this is now reality and I won't repeat what was said to painful hear it again.

Well only 21 sleeps to first appointment.

I know that your partner doesn't know me nor has she ever spoken to me but but please give her my best wishes for her new beginning.

Kara

Jo8049
Community Member

Hi Kara , still with you . Sorry that you have the pain generated by discussion with your wife . Not sure about others journeys but for me when Jo was born that was happening and that's how it was . The alternative doesn't warrant thinking about .

For those near to you it would I guess be a shock ( as after so many years hiding ourselves we become experts at that ) and then to comprehend any of it must take so much energy and time . It takes an amazing human to understand trans ( Lilylane and a few others I know here ). I personally think we would be better off in many ways as a third gender .

Its hard to stop completely when asleep so watch that , as fatigue is not at all good . I am an expert at fatigue and it can be dangerous ! Please watch that one .

Lilylane , it would be huge revealing at work , your a legend for supporting your partner xxx to you both . I have pulled right back with work as am to anxious out there . ( pilot car contractor ) have only one customer now ( old school , Akubra country ) and told him a couple of weeks ago . Its all good but the anxiety building up to that was huge . I don't work in a group situation as such so was ok for me. .

Lol to all , Jo&LD

Kara01
Community Member

Hi Jo and Lillylane as I wrote earlier things aren't what foolishly hoped that they would be at home. I am getting over it as it seems now I am leading a separate life we still co-exists but we talk about family issue non transition related and get on okay at that level.

I now seem to have the freedom to explore new relationships within the community as I continue to reach out and find my new family as the old one seems to have once again drifted away, no ongoing contact as my family seems more interested in supporting my wife and not me. I can live with that as her mental and physical health need that support.

All I seem to need to do to keep the peace at home is not talk about my transition unless asked about it and in public don't present in anyway as female.

I have found ways around this as I need to feel female as I no longer identify as my old male self. When I get introduced within the community now it's always as Kara. I feel so much better since making this decision after being challenged by one of friends. Though I am conflicted because how I feel and and how I look are two very different thing and growing more uncomfortable everyday. I wear painted toenails and knickers and it helps me cope.

Lillylane this is a link regarding what we talked about the other day my friend doesn't look after QLD but it is a national programme. If the link gets removed we may need to find another way to get the information to you.

If this does get removed I have a new FACEBOOK page I created so that I make contact with new members of the community without my other friends knowing and I get the information to you that way or maybe through email.

hhtp://www.prideinclusionsprograms.com.au/

Sometime thing taken down because it's against the rules.

I will keep you all updated on things as they happen I am hopefully meeting some new friends this weekend for a lunch at one of the women's home which is good to feel that they can invite me someone they don't know and only based on other community members opinions that I am good person and that they would enjoy meeting me.

Kara

Lillylane
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Kara, thanks for the pride inclusion programs link. My partner passes on her appreciation.

lillylane

Kara01
Community Member

Hi Lillylane I have a real quick question after your partner came out which name did you use when speaking with her, this is before completion of her transition and presenting to others or just in public with you?

I am coming out tonight to my children and introducing myself as Kara a transgender woman, I have also told my wife but she wants to know what to call me, Kara or my old male name.

Any help would be appreciated.

Love Kara

Lillylane
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
Hi Kara!

To answer your question: I used her female name. She let us know when to start using it (at home).

Outside the home, around people that didn’t know, we would switch to her old name if we really had to. It was a bit awkward switching between names for a while, but we knew it would be.

Now that she’s not hiding her transition, it’s much easier and she uses her female name everywhere except at work.

I guess it comes down to personal decision?

I’ll be thinking of you 🙂

Love
Lillylane

Kara01
Community Member

HI lillylane, thank you for the information. Last night I came out to my adult children and it was a very emotional and tearful event.

I had very low expectations but my children absolutely amazed me with the love and support that they should me it was overwhelming.

My wife chose not to be there when I told them but she spoke with them while I was out of the house.

I did speak with one of my girlfriend's last afterwards and did discuss the name issue.

What I decided to do is for now as there are no outward physical changes I am still living with my male name as it's easier for them.

Once the physical changes become obvious that is when we talk about it again.

The only medication I am right now is T blockers.

Did you ever find any support groups for partners of transgender women, my wife is trying to find out if there any I have a couple of leads I am following from the community.

Once again it's a pity that we aren't closer so that my wife could talk with you as she is trying to support me but is struggling. At least we are having conversations about the future and my transition journey which is a positive.

Maybe with the children on board it might help her.

Kara