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My dealings with the health system, is it tailored more for female support? *Trigger warning - suicidal thoughts*

DeltaJ
Community Member
Hi there,
I wasn’t sure which forum to post this on,
I haven't frequented the forums for quite some time. I went through a couple of years of severe anxiety and depression some years back, and had support on here at the time. I've been muddling along ok since, with occasional times with mild A&D.
I find as I'm getting older, my medical support needs are increasing too. (I'm a 60 male, long time divorced and recently retired, living on my own in a regional area).
I’ve always had considerable trouble with finding a GP who is willing to give me the focus needed to address my medical concerns. It’s been more than 30 years since I’ve had one I could call, “my GP”. I know there is a stereotype of males choosing to ignore health issues, but I’ve never been like that…quite the opposite, if only I could get the attention of the health system like I see the women I know, expect. I’ve started to get annoyed, and feeling like I have to wait until it is serious enough that I won’t be disregarded for people who are really sick.
Whenever I’ve mentioned the topic to people I know, they think I’m being defeatist, but I point out that I’m only feeling that way from my own experiences over the years. I’ve been told to just stand up and “insist” I get some attention. Apart from not being able to do that, I am also conscious these days that with the security issues in hospitals and clinics, that as a male, my insistence may be taken the wrong way, so I just accept it, as I am so afraid of the slightest verbal conflict. I fear I may just become another failed statistic of the health system.
I'm a male who is historically a bit short on assertiveness, and with all the media attention on how bad men are to women as a general rule, find it hard to reconcile with myself that I even belong in this world now, just because of my gender. I’m probably being irrational about it, but I haven’t been able to invalidate those feelings in the highly charged social atmosphere these days, and increasingly my already lack of assertiveness when seeking medical support is amplifying this.
I’ve talked to men who acknowledge they are taken more seriously when visiting the GP with the support of their female partners. My last severe anxiety attack was actually brought on by my dealings with the health system, and seems as if when I really need the support it in fact, makes things worse.
I don’t really know what to do, as the very suggestion “to seek professional advice” causes me great anxiety!
17 Replies 17

DeltaJ
Community Member
Hi Irene,

Thank you for your thoughtful and detailed reply. I didn’t reply immediately as I was waiting to feel a little better. I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with your health issues for so long. I think one of the guilts which plagues me, is that there are always people out there who have a harder lot than me, so I feel I don’t have as much right to access health services, as at this stage nothing I have is life threatening or prevents me from doing most things I need to do, (other than the emotional handicap!)
I am well resourced with coping material, but when feeling down, don’t have the same motivation to implement it. I did do a 6 week Mindspot online course in the past, which helped at the time. Trouble is, when I need support, I’m always pointed to so much reading and information to consume, it’s the last thing I feel like doing. It’s talking to real people which helps the most.
Anyway, today was a milestone for me on the health services front. I had to see a local nurse for my regular immune drug injection, and spilt out some of my troubles. There is a new GP whom is highly regarded for his approach to patients like me, so I have a double appointment next week to hopefully move forward.

DeltaJ
Community Member
So my dealings with primary care health has deteriorated since my last post. I have had one health issue for some time needing attention of which I struggled to get GP appointments. The trouble is in my area, there are only locums who visit for a couple of weeks, sometimes the appointment availability is up to a month, and the couple of permanents that are here, I can’t get in to see.
I now have something which requires urgent elective surgery, so I’m finally privileged enough to gain access to the hospital system, but for a lot of reasons I’m thrust into the depths of depression and severe anxiety. I have no one to talk to about it.
I went to the pre op appointment, and was so stressed didn’t absorb most of what they told me, and couldn’t remember the questions I had to ask.
This was on Christmas Eve, so spent Christmas Day pacing the house in tears on my own totally absorbed in my grief. I’m still feeling teary.

I haven’t had anything near surgery for over 35 years, and I’m particularly worried about being in my home on my own immediately after. Though they offer some home care, I’m warned it is a minimum, and am advised to have family or friends around. Not going to happen!

I’ve also been having thoughts as to whether if I will myself before surgery, maybe I won’t wake up after the anaesthetic, but I feel guilty for feeling this way, as I don’t want to put health workers through that trauma.
I have been thinking about taking my life on and off fairly regularly for the past year or so. I even have a plan worked out. I think when I’m really down, the only things which have stopped me, are the fear of failure and ending up a vegetable, or getting trapped in the health system if I’m found. Anyone who knows me would be shocked I feel that way, as I can’t live without order in my life, which doesn’t fit the stereotype of depression. I can’t directly talk about it to anyone know, as I have hinted at how I feel, and their reaction leaves me feeling guilty for mentioning it. Even though I’m good at opening my heart to most people in conversation, this is one aspect I can’t talk about.

When I feel down and angry, I wouldn't even want my family and friends to know why I took my life, the world can keep guessing 😞

I stay at home on my own, when feeling like this. I know this is the opposite of what I should be doing, but all my own safeguards, which I know I should practice, when in this mood, I just don’t want to try or help myself.

To the outside world, I “present” well, openly talking about the future, and looking like I’m in control of my life, but with a niggle deep down that I may not be around for much longer, as all the things which have traditionally interested me, don’t seem to really matter in the big picture.

I thought I would write this, as I have no one, now or in the future to tell this to anyway,

Hi Chris,

We are so sorry to hear that things have deteriorated. We can understand why all of this stress struggle would leave you teary and down. We are concerned that you have mentioned you have a suicide plan. We are trying to get in touch with you privately to check in and offer some support.

We are glad that you feel comfortable enough here to talk about these thoughts and feelings. It's important to speak about it, and really tough when you don't feel you can open up to family and friends. It sounds like you have thought about what you 'should' be doing when you are feeling really down like this - have you considered making a safety plan? You can tailor it to what is realistic for what may be helpful to you personally. You may find this page helpful - “BeyondNow suicide safety planning” - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

However, if at any time you become unable to stop yourself from acting on these thoughts, this is an emergency and you need to contact 000 (triple zero).

Something that may help you when you are feeling absorbed in these thoughts in getting in contact with MensLine. MensLine Australia is a free 24/7 telephone and online counselling service for men with emotional health and relationship concerns. You can contact them on 1300 78 99 78 or https://mensline.org.au/ Thanks for reaching out here today Chris. We hope that you can find something today to help bring you some comfort and peace.
 

DeltaJ
Community Member

Hi Sophie,

thank you for your reply, and I'm in awe at your dedication!

I did have a chat with someone. They only called to determine if my plan was imminent, (not yet), but didn't have a long time to chat understandably. I have embarrassed myself with what I have said, and I seem to have a unique set problems which is not worth mentioning. I'm sorry for taking up the time. I don't seem to ever learn from my mistakes when I feel bad, and despite the advice I must keep my problems to myself,

I have no more say 😞

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Chris~

You said " I must keep my problems to myself". I'm afraid this exactly the wrong path to choose, I should know, I did it for years and it is only due to circumstances I did not take my life, though I tried more than once.

Getting the right medical team together to actually help can be difficult, but as I understand it you can still get tele-health most places and that vastly opens up the possibilities. I think you may even be able to get psychiatrists and GPs that way, however you would have to check for yourself, I'd not like to steer you wrong.

Having professionals you can get on with and have trust in can be fluked, but often takes a degree of searching on your part. Worth it though.

If you are offered any home help can I suggest you take it, even if it means you have to say you changed your mind. Not only is it an actual physical help but establishes a routine and also is another person to talk with (some are very nice and go beyond what htey strictly have to do.)

Just staying on the line or in a surgery to establish if you are at imminent risk and then finishing right there is not a help (or that's how I feel). That is not offering anything really, that is of use.

Can I ask what it is about family or any freinds you might have that makes you put on this mask of being OK and not saying how things are? That was one of my mistakes. A mask feeds on itself, gets stronger a and makes one feel very isolated.

With cats, yes they are fussy about their staff, I have one (Sumo Cat) supervising me right at the moment on his usual blanket.

I hope you do have more to say:)

Croix

.

Mishmo
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Dearest Chris,

I feel your pain. I can not know exactly your thoughts or emotions... but know a stranger truly sympathies and cares, as I understand the emotions, anxieties, fears, etc.

Never feel like you can not talk about your emotions/feelings/thoughts/beliefs. I feel this way also very frequently, and find it hard to open up and express myself. But I love being the listener and the shoulder to cry on for all. I suffer many issues myself and have the mpst understanding compassion for all, including urself. I am new here and felt compelled by your story to reply and let you know you are NOT ALONE!
These forums are amazing and I am glad to have found it. Reading about others troubles, thoughts, resolutions etc is helpful for myself to know I too am not alone in these troubles I seem to suffer.
Enough about me... i am not one to talk much about myself. But always here to listen and be of comfort to anyone needing it.

Never feel like you MUST keep your troubles to yourself, especially if it is causing you any grief. Finding the right person/place to vent and express emotions is vital for most. Speak/Express (or in my case rambling is my best attribute, sorry, hence i normally keep to myself also) But I do have a few in my life that enjoy my rambling jumbled vents of what i concider very important at the time haha.

Ok as I ramble now... I hope you find comfort and support in someone or something (my something, is my cat)

Stay strong (as can be)
I hope things get better, even for a small reprieve.

Reach out any time, am a good listener.

TC, from ME 🙂 just a random stranger who cares!! x

DeltaJ
Community Member
Thank you to both of you for your kind words. I just am finding talking to people with text just not having me feel any better, and it takes a huge amount of mental energy to type and read, and what I need is real people to talk to.
I have been in a pretty bad way over the past couple of weeks. I was admitted for my surgery, which went well, but my recovery has not been going that well. My stay was a little longer in hospital than normal for my simple op.
Once I was discharged, I was dumped at home on my own now, and the promise of health services support has not really eventuated. I needed meals for the first few days, as I was unable to cook. Unfortunately this was not available to me, and I just made it through by the skin of my teeth due to the generosity of a person I hardly know.

My recovery from the anaesthetic was slow, and I have not been sleeping well since, as I wake with panic attacks every night with the moment the nurses were shaking me to come back.
I have been on extremely strong painkillers, which have knocked me out, and finally I’m off most of these now. I’m sitting at home day after day on my own, very little interest in doing anything, with the occasional contact of a concerned friend, but my depression after the surgery, along with a few other side medical problems have me as low as ever, not wanting to face this sort of future. It’s all very well to contact someone if I feel I am in danger. But to me, getting real about this, when I feel that way, I don’t want anyone to save me from the fate, and I won't tell anyone.

Sorry, I thought that I would get the mental energy together to send a reply, but it’s not a very nice one 😞

Hi Chris,

You've been through so much lately with the surgery and slow recovery - we can hear that you're feeling exhausted and depressed. Please know that even in the darkest of times, there is always hope. This is a really dark time for you, but things can always improve.

We are concerned about you and will be in touch with you privately to check in on your safety today and offer some support.

It's really important that if you become unable to stop yourself from acting on thoughts of suicide, this is an emergency and you need to contact 000 (triple zero).

It sounds like you're feeling really low energy at the moment, and perhaps the best you can do for today is just to try and distract yourself from these thoughts. We hope you can find something to distract yourself today, like watching a tv series or reading a book. In difficult periods it can sometimes be best just to take it one day at a time.

Thanks for reaching out here today and letting us know how you're going.