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conflicted

Kara01
Community Member

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

211 Replies 211

Lillylane
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

hi Kara,

I’m just catching up with posts 🙂

Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot to be able to talk to others who understand the complexity of relationships.

I have my fingers crossed for you when it comes time to talk to your children and grandchildren. You’ve laid wonderful groundwork though having talked with your wife and sisters already and it sounds like there is progress there which I’m so happy to hear. You are doing amazing Kara.

It’s taken my partner and I a couple of years to get where we are in terms of peace and we still have disagreements and misunderstandings at times but we muddle through. We don’t really know what our future looks like but we are ok with that.

Our daughters are twins and were toddlers at the time my partner explained to them that she is actually a she. They were completely accepting and adapted well - little kids have such open hearts. One of them was a bit teary, but after being reassured that my partner was not going anywhere she realised she was not loosing anyone.

They are proud of having two mums. One of them told me they are ‘extra lucky’! They are aware that other families have a mum and dad, or a dad and dad or just a mum etc.

It’s great to hear you’ve made contact with support groups as well.

Big hugs!

Lillylane

Jo8049
Community Member

Hi Kara , it is great to hear that you can have face to face with others and family ( so very important to not be alone )👍. Sadly lacking out here and one of the two most important things for us remote folk . The other being accurate up to date information on services available . Is on the net but well hidden in many instances .

The word closure hit me in the face !

Thank you Lilylane , your posts have helped me also as does Kara's 👍

Thank you all and happy day xx

Jo

Kara01
Community Member

Hi Jo and Lillylane I would like to say that even though we haven't met face to face I feel a very strong bond between us and I feel like we have been friends for a long time because of the love and caring we have shown for each other.

I do look forward to hearing from both of you all the time because of the support ,advice and genuine care for each other that we all have shared, even though our lives have take different paths those paths have crossed over many times.

I am definitely in a much better place than I was many many weeks ago and both of you have played a big in getting me to where I am today.

I do feel for Jo as it must be very difficult try access the help that is more available in the city and easier to access. I wish it could be much easier for you because it does worry me at times.

Lillylane I hope you have access to some support to help you through all of the challenges and changes that are still ahead for you and your partner. I again wish that I could provide face to face support for you even though we are opposite sides of the process I feel your pain as I see it in my own wife's face at different times.

I have been very fortunate recently that i have been give access to the wonderful people in our community who still amaze every time that I make contact with them, the love compassion and understanding that they keep showing to a complete stranger just blows me away.

I feel now with the support from both of you and the improvement between myself and my sisters and wife things will hopefully continue to improve. I also have the support of Shine, Kindred Spirits and Diverse-City from a professional point of view I feel stronger than before.

One of the challenges going forward with my wife will be establishing boundaries about what she will and won't accept from me. I am nowhere ready to present as female even within my home but it's just a few small things that I need to allow me to feel comfortable with myself. I want to able to do my nails for just when I am at home not to wear in public it just makes me feel good about myself when I am alone I will paint them but remove the polish before she comes home.

Please all stay safe and take care until next time.

Kara

Jo8049
Community Member

Thank you Kara ( heartfelt ) , and Lilylane to . ( hugs any where needed ).

Jo&LD

Kara01
Community Member

Hi Jo and Lillylane hope both of you well.

Not a lot been happening for me what about you?

I did visit a new venue and met the owners on Tuesday night, it's a safe meeting place for our community to catch up at it's like a café / restaurant and entertainment venue.

A fantastic married couple run it felt very welcome and respected. They listened to my story and talked me through many different changes that I have ahead of me. They said once again that I am very brave as they said it's much harder to come out as transgender than it was for them to come out as gay.

They have offered to help me meet some of the transgender women who go so I can talk face to face women who have lived what I am about experience.

They invited me to attend a dinner tonight that is being held after LGBTI conference wanted to go but felt it was too soon and didn't wanted upset my wife as might have felt I am a banding her for new people from our community. So I passed but did really want to go as it was mainly going to transgender women in attendance.

28 days to go before my first appointment with Shine.

Talk soon

 

Kara

Lillylane
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Kara and Jo,

Kara, it’s great to hear about the venue you visited with such kind and welcoming owners. I really wish we had something like that for my partner in our area!!

She’s made some great transgender friends through Twitter, and they’ve been wonderful for advice during her transition. I’ve enjoyed meeting a couple of them who have visited in person.

It’s very sensitive and thoughtful of you thinking of your wife too, Kara. In time hopefully, as you both get to know what you need for support, there will be that understanding when it comes to attending meet ups etc

Hope you are going well too, Jo!

Lillylane xx

Jo8049
Community Member

Hi Kara , that is all good news ! Lilylanes perspective is great to .

Sometimes the self and the journey can sort of engulf you . Your well grounded looking after your wife ❤ and family as you are!

I hope you find a few friends at the meeting place . Not sure why exactly but when I finally met trans lady and felt immediately comfortable that there was a change in everything ? Helps with confidence . Am finding confidence is a hard one !

Lol Kara & Lilylane Jo

Kara01
Community Member

Hi Jo and Lillylane, hope you both are doing okay.

My journey is going in a lot of different directions at the moment as I try to find my place in our community.

I am meeting with another group tomorrow afternoon who I have been told have a large group of transgender women in it so hopefully might get to meet some more people to talk with.

Had a bad day yesterday as my GD hit me hard and I needed to step away from my work for awhile to gather myself and stop crying. It was so disappointing because I hadn't broken down for weeks, which I suppose was a positive.

I reached out to my on line groups and once again was blown away by the amount of support, love & concern I received from people who I have never met or spoken to. Our community is something special as I have never come across so many wonderful people.

Every time something like this happens I fall more in love with our community.

The only other thing I was a bit disappointed about was the women who I was supposed to meet up with the other week who cancelled because of illness popped up in my Facebook feed with a updated image about a make over she had just had.

I thought that she looked very nice and just commented complementing how good she looked.

A few minutes later she replied and asked how I was doing which I replied great and also said again how nice she looked and it was good that she was feeling much better. I asked if she would still like to meet sometime to have a chat.

Well that was the end of the conversation and haven't heard from her since, I think that this didn't help my GD and most probably played on my mind Friday leading in my attack.

Jo I am also not a confidant person and struggle with new people until I get to know them, once I get to know people that I connect with they usually friends for life. Which is how I feel about you and Lillylane.

I am trying to find new friends as I have concerns about the high cost that my transition will cost me.

I had my eyebrows shaped for the first time today, exciting.

I had a piece of advice yesterday from someone who I respect and trust and she told me I will soon learn who my true friends are and I should treasure them as they will be my best allies. These friends may not be people I know now as I may find them during my journey. She also said that I had to be sure that this is what I truly want need to make my life whole. There will be huge sacrifices and gains as that I cannot envisage.

Looking forward to our next chat.

Kara

Jo8049
Community Member

Hi Kara , things can be very intense at times and we cannot a lot of the time get the self to take a rest so we can breathe . I don't think it is selfish but just what is happening in our lives ( journey /true self ) is so huge .

Have a look at beginning page of this forum and open "questioning my sexuality " by IAMTHEONE . Towards the end of thread is several posts by " therising " in one they talk of the circle . It might ring some bells and help . In the TRC the second last post there by "Aaronsis" has a paragraph to me about the ( deadname ) and that relationship I have had with ( deadname ) . I have found that very helpful and others view of things teaches you to have a much wider field of perception . Sometimes I get stuck with one perception when there are usually many .

Hope that is a bit helpful , get rest!

Jo

Kara01
Community Member

Hi Jo and Lillylane, hope you are both well.

Had a great day yesterday I got a message from a transgender woman who's a part of one of my groups wanting to have a chat as she had seen a couple of my posts.

We got on the phone and just hit it off immediately and talked for 3 hours. Long story short we are planning on catching up this week for a face to face chat. She has also asked me to join her group with her friends so I can meet others and be apart of their group as she felt something special while we were talking and thought I would be a good fit for the group.

She gave me so much useful information about what lies ahead for me and all of the mental and physical changes to come. It was the first time anyone has taken the time to provide me this type of detailed information.

So it was a great way finish off a shitty week with work pressure and GD playing up on Friday.

Still counting down the days until first appointment with Shine next month.

That's all from me for now talk soon.

Kara