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conflicted

Kara01
Community Member

Hi I am at a very difficult time in my life as I want start a discussion with wife about transitioning to a woman.

I have always felt female and wanted to be female but in my generation this would never have been accepted or respected.

I have been married to a wonderful woman for 39 years and I do love her and my children and grandchildren.

I desperately don't want to hurt anyone but I am struggling more than ever with my identity and I don't know how much longer that I can keep my secret from everyone.

Everyday I feel I am just lying to myself and I don't know how much longer I can do this for.

Every time I see a woman of my age I just ask myself why couldn't it have been me that was born female and not trapped in my male body.

I am very concerned about my current state of mind as I can only think about this issue and nothing else.

I started to cross dress from a very early age and only ever felt a complete person when I was dressed in women's clothes.

I am desperate to try and move on with my life but am terrified of the damage that I will cause to my family.

211 Replies 211

Jo8049
Community Member

Hi Kara & Lilylane , glad Kara that you are recognising gd and hitting back .

I had to work on Monday as the deadname . Quite interesting reaction as am only Jo now . Will have to do that a bit I think out here ( Akubra country ) , not ideal but at present want to keep that work ? Had been stressing over telling my only customer ( nowdays ) about Jo ( I look very different now ) and did so yesterday when dropping of an invoice . He is very old school , all was good ! Great relief .

Lilylane , how long did voice training take ?

Take care and thank you for discussion , I hope I help to ! xx

Lol , Jo

Kara01
Community Member

Hi Lillylane, please keep me posted with how things go with your partner not only because it might help me but also because I want both of you to be happy.

Voice training has been a big thing that I have worried about and will be looking into this in greater detail as things develop with my transition.

Facial hair now that's a big thing I made contact with a wonderful beautician that I found who looks after a lot of LGBTIQA people and she has been wonderful very caring and sensitive to my transition, have a had a couple break downs when talking with her.

The direction we went with was electrolysis she told me its the best treatment as laser wouldn't work on my hair colour. I have been having weekly treatments now since I came out, its slow and can be very painful especially on the top lip but am very happy with the results so far. Full effect won't be achieved for most probably 12 months but will improve once I start HRT.

Still working very hard on my physical and mental health so I can be as prepared as I can be once my transition starts. I have lost 13kgs so far with 20kgs to go. Looking forward to my first counselling session next month to support my physical changes.

I have managed to get my wife to open up a bit and talk to me about my GD she's trying to understand the hell I have lived with for most of my life I have even talked to her about what happened on Monday which is progress.

One thing took me by surprise is that she said why didn't I do it 20 years ago and she couldn't understand why I would continue to suffer for so long. I tried to explain to her it was about other events in my life but she should understand why I didn't do the right thing by myself.

Trying to cope with the GD panic attack and hopefully not to frequent but Shine says there will be more to come.

I am meeting up with a women tomorrow after work who I met on line who is currently well into her transition just to talk somethings over face to face with some whose living what I am about the experience.

She also is being treated by Shine hopefully lots of information to share about her journey that might help me.

Take care will talk again soon.

Kara

Kara01
Community Member

Hi Jo hope that your well, sorry to hear about having use your dead name but I do understand that we all still need to earn an income and I guess even though we don't want to we need compromise a little bit to survive.

Voice training also a concern for me and will be looking into it soon.

People can surprise you sometimes with their reaction when you come out never really know.

Have had a few little wins with my wife as she is slowly starting to talk to me about my GD she gets it but doesn't really understand the pain and suffering and why I lived with it for so long. Still unsure about the future.

Am meeting up tomorrow after work with a woman who's transitioning through Shine so hopefully lots of new information.

Will talk again soon.

Kara

Lillylane
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Kara and Jo,

Voice training was over a few months, maybe about 4 sessions? We live in a regional town so my partner had to travel a couple of hours to go to the first appointment. Then the pandemic hit so they became phone appointments. The focus was on generating the sound from up in the nasal area (rather than down from the throat). It was actually quite amazing how quickly this made a difference to her voice.

It’s been an emotional day for me. My partner has stopped wearing her wedding ring because it is very obviously a ‘man’s ring’. So I have stopped wearing mine too.

She has suggested we get different rings that signify being in each other’s life. But not wedding rings. I think it’s a good idea.

Got a bit stressed over something at work today and I couldn’t stop the tears flowing. I feel a lot of pressure trying to work out what the right thing to do is, as a partner and a parent of small kids. It’s not always easy or clear-cut.

Good to hear you and your wife still keep up the communication.

Best wishes always,

Lillylane

Lillylane
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Kara, I meant to ask - how did it go meeting the woman who is transitioning through Shine?
Take care,
Lillylane

Jo8049
Community Member

Hi Lilylane , taking off of rings hit me squarely in the heart ( big tears here ) . You and partner are very very brave . What a huge commitment you two have to each other . This is beautiful !!!

Thanks for info on voice training , my lovely doctor is seeing whats available out here that's not to expensive .

Lol to you both very brave people , hugs ( if and when required ). xxx

Jo

Jo8049
Community Member

Hi Kara , how are you ? Do let us know ( if you want to ) how chat with trans lady went ? Hope you were comfortable with her so chat could pick its own course .

Lol and stay warm , take care ( hugs when required )

Jo x

Kara01
Community Member

Hi Jo hope that you are well. Unfortunately the visit didn't go ahead because on Wednesday night she let me that she couldn't as she was sick. I said we would try to reschedule again when she was better.

Today I met with two of the most amazing women you could ever hope to meet. I spent all afternoon with the founders of Kindred Spirits it's run by Gail & Lisette Claremont-Goulet. They took the time and trouble to talk to me about everything that I had experienced and what is in front of me. I walked away feeling very very happy indeed with all of the conversations we had. I am planning on catching up with them in a few weeks time so i can meet more of the people from their group.

Next Tuesday I am going to another support group venue called Diverse-City which Gail suggested that might be a better fit for me where I am right now.

Have also been able to open up some better communication with my sisters and wife after all of them met up recently to talk over the changes that are coming and what it means for them.

So lots of good news this week.

Take care

Kara

Kara01
Community Member

Hi lillylane hope you both are well.

Unfortunately the meeting never happened as she took ill on Wednesday and had to cancel, will try again when she is better.

It must have been tough dealing with the emotion about the wedding rings as I understand the meaning behind them.

I do also understand about beginning with new symbols of commitment and also it's the closure of the old life you had together and hopefully what is ahead but do see how the emotions would flow for you.

It must make the situation very complicated when you have small children in the picture I depending on their it will be very confusing for them.

Mine are all adults still wont be easy to deal but I do have 3 grandchildren which will be complicated as two of them are boys 12 & 9 my granddaughter is only 3 so less of a problem.

I don't have to worry these symbols as my wife and I had our wedding rings melted down and remade into a ring for daughter for her 21st birthday.

I think you are both very brave for what you have been through and are still together I am still hopeful for my relationships as I have managed to get the communication lines open with my wife and sisters.

Big hugs as this all I can offer from Adelaide.

If you check out the reply that I sent to Jo about what has happened today and what is happening next week you will see that I am slowly trying find my place in the community.

Will keep in contact when there is new information comes available.

Kara

Lillylane
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Jo,

Thanks for your lovely hugs and kindness! Very much appreciated.

Great to hear you have a good GP and hope there is a voice training option available that suits. Keep us posted how it goes xx

lillylane